Scanner : Republican

Ex-Mayor in Michigan Arrested For Having Sex in the Street

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 07 May 2009 17:42:00 GMT

Kim Capello, a 56-year-old man who used to be the Mayor pro term of Novi, just outside of Detroit, was arrested last month for indecent exposure.

While it's always news when a politician is arrested for whipping out his boner (Kim is currently the Oakland County Commissioner-- see above), there is more to this story than simple indecency...

On the morning of April 18th, police respond to a complaint about two people getting randy against a wall near a strip of bars and restaurants in town. Upon arriving, the cops found Capello and a 37-year-old woman having sex in the middle of the sidewalk, with pedestrians passing by and presumably fleeing in horror. It should also be noted that Capello is Republican family man-- he has been married for 21 years to his law partner wife, with whom he shares an office, according to the local news. The couple also have three kids.

Strangely enough, the woman has not been charged with any crime, while her lover faces up to three months in jail when he appears in court next month.

Via ClickOnDetroit.

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Candidate for Gov. of GA Admits to Having Sex... with a Mule

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AZ Gov. Candidate Posts Topless Photo of His Roommate on Flickr

Nevada Governor's Sex Scandal May Top Eliot Spitzer's

AZ Gov. Candidate Posts Topless Photo of His Roommate on Flickr

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 07 May 2009 16:33:00 GMT

John Paul Mitchell, 30, teaches yoga and is studying for his doctorate at the University of Sedona. He is not your typical Republican candidate, particularly since he is running against a newly-ascended state leader, Jan Brewer, who took over for Democrat Janet Napolitano when Napolitano accepted a cabinet post. He also isn't your typical politician-- he maintains a Flickr account, which he updates with campaign and personal photos on the same page.

Normally, this would be no big deal... until a photo of a topless woman appeared on the page.

Mitchell claims that the photo, which was deleted before we could at least see it and tell you what it looked like, is of Mitchell's female roommate. The candidate, who has a girlfriend, says the flatmates share an account on the site and that she posted it and meant to make it private, but forgot to. Or something. It all sounds a bit suspicious-- too many lapses in judgment for that to happen. Obviously, it sounds like he took an illicit picture of his roommate, a woman he admits to sleeping with in the past, and posted it to what he thought was a private, blocked-off area of his Flickr account. Not saying she didn't consent, but that's possible.

In any case, he had to play damage control in the news media all day yesterday:

Why would she post topless photos to the Flickr account?

Because she has hundreds of photographs on there. She uploads pictures from family gatherings, to vacations, to self-taken pictures. What she does in the privacy of our home or elsewhere is her personal business.

Again, the picture was meant to be flagged as private and not viewable by the public.

Why do you have a shared account?

Because I initially set it up for my use, but later allowed her to use the Flickr account to have an online storage space for her photography.

Did you and the woman ever date or have a romantic relationship?

Yes, at one point, we were involved romantically. However, we made a mutual agreement that it was best we remain only friends. Our friendship is going on its sixth year and we consider each other best friends.

At this point, the woman has yet to speak out. One has to wonder what her take on all this is-- is she embarrassed into silence or being asked by the candidate not to comment, for fear of keeping the story going? Or is she secretly furious about the photo ending up on his Flickr account? His account, by the way, can be seen here.

Via AZ Central.

Related:

Candidate for Gov. of GA Admits to Having Sex... with a Mule

Politician Probably Should've Taken Down Scandalous Facebook Profile First

Hey Ireland: Good Luck Stopping Internet Porn

Nevada Governor's Sex Scandal May Top Eliot Spitzer's

Top 10 Dumbest Anti-Obama Signs

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 21:48:00 GMT

How did we narrow this list of dozens, perhaps hundreds of examples of conservative stupidity down to a mere 10 photographs, you ask?

The long answer is that we had a seizure from the Flickr slideshow overload, then a fit of hysterics for twenty minutes, followed by the realization that scary people cannot be reasoned with, even by good work and actual progress, and decided to call it a day with these ten (frightening) images...

With lots and lots of therapy, honey.

We weren't aware small children paid taxes unless corporate America's dreams came true and indentured servitude and child labor have returned.

If you mean in "an arbitrarily-priced future-debt sort of way," maybe. We wonder what that debt would like like after another four years of Bush Administration economics.

What an oxymoran: "speak for yourself" (pro-First Amendment!) and "America is a Christian nation" (anti-First Amendment!)

Right-- because the new face of an Aryan national movement would logically be... a half-black man.

Why did we assume the previous photo would be the worst they could do? Nope. There's a man with a sign who believes rich people paying 3% more in taxes and giving tax cuts to the middle class is equivalent to murdering six million people. How do we know we're on the right side of history? Because this type of person will always be on the other.

If you're like all the previous entrants and find that the facts don't support your idiotic views, you can always try to win by confusion and incoherence.

These Republicans are so confused at what the message is for the Fox-led Tea Parties that they bring all sorts of contradictory signs ("POOP!") to the protest and obscure each other's words. Even the ones we can read don't make a lot of sense. FAIL.

And finally, a sign so stupid it will make even a reasonable Obama hater laugh...

Wow. How effective, sir. We humbly beg your forgiveness for voting for this very BAD man.

By the way, the Huffington Post has several of these in its own Top 10 list of the most offensive tea party protest signs, but we don't think this sign is all that offensive (except to your intelligence.) So, without further ado, our Honorable Mention:

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Nevada Governor's Sex Scandal May Top Eliot Spitzer's

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 13:50:00 GMT

Jim Gibbons, Republican Governor of Nevada and accused sexual assailant, is one helluva piece of work. We've previously told you about Gibbons and an incident involving a waitress who claims she was assaulted and told to "shut up" by the Governor one night in a parking garage, although no charges were filed.

Now, the juicy details of the Gibbons family divorce are burning up the wire...

Mrs. Dawn Gibbons was sick of Gibbons and his philandering, although it was the Governor who filed for divorce last spring. Nonetheless, she has a bone to pick with him about his affairs with two specific women, although more infidelities are alleged.

1) One woman received approximately 860 texts from Gibbons's state-issued cell. When this information first came to light, Romeo was forced to reimburse $130. According to USA Today, Gibbons denies these were love notes.

2) As depicted in the photograph above, the Love Gov. is alleged to have snatched up a colleague's ex-wife: specifically the ex-wife of Reno's Mayor, who happens to be Leslie Durant, a former Playboy bunny and, we believe, Miss September 1989, something not reported in the mainstream media. (See here for a blog that discusses their relationship and outs her as 9/89's girl.) UPDATE: It has come to our attention that someone other than a Leslie Durant was Miss September that year, although there is a variety of evidence Leslie Durant (probably under her maiden name) appeared in Playboy that month.

Let us remind everyone that it's better to break up with someone than to cheat on them and try to get away with it. Gibbons hasn't learned that lesson from Bill Clinton or Spitzer, apparently.

Jersey Girl's Torrid Love Affair With An Eighth Grader

Married British Barrister Billed Client For Sex

Cloris Leachman Won't Wait For Her Entree, Wants You Now

Rumormongering: Rihanna Gave Chris Brown Herpes

While You Were Sleeping: Foxy Brown Joins The Nipple Slip Parade

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 13:12:00 GMT

Charley Pride: country music legend and our Hero of the Day, no question.

This man's stripper addiction costs him pretty much his entire salary. Dude, you can rent a harem in most countries, including the US, every night of the week, for what you're throwing away in English pounds.

Spencer Tunick won't be showing naked Irish people to Ireland after all.

This is a tragic(ally hilarious?) tale of Mile High Club action gone wrong.

Don't text while driving-- it can cost you years of prison time.

Google Voice is coming to the iPhone. In other news, Scanner Brian may be coming to the iPhone today...

We told you about how meddling Puritan Republicans basically banned porn at Maryland State schools. Thankfully, the students aren't giving up
so easily...

Did Sam and Lindsay really break up this time? And does this mean this is the last time we'll ever have to mention their names in writing?

And Foxy Brown slipped a nip in concert. That is all you need to know.

Website Stockpiles Your Worst In-Flight Experiences

Skinny Blonde Beer As Misogynist As It Is Gimmicky

While You Were Sleeping: Britain's Next Topless Model

Ryanair Stewardess Wants You to Join Her Mile High Club

Sloppy Seconds: Gwyneth Paltrow Has a Cure for Joaquin Phoenix

College Students in Maryland Barred From Ever Seeing Porn

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 16:15:00 GMT

Right-wing politicians, who only seem to care about freedom when it involves grandstanding patriotism or a shot at an NRA endorsement, will do whatever it takes to stop pornography from being shown to anyone, including adults.

So, we're not the least bit surprised that Republican State Senator Andrew Harris in Baltimore County threatened to basically destroy the University of Maryland if he did not get his way on a screening of "Pirates 2: Stagnetti's Revenge." Harris put forward an amendment that said any state school showing porn would lose its funding. Basically, this would've ended the university's $424 million deal if they were to carry on with this weekend's screening, which was almost sold out. Of course, Harris didn't say how he was prove in a court of law that something was "pornography"-- perhaps the "I know it when I see it" argument?

By the way, the school wasn't even hosting the event-- the student union was... and they were paying for it through ticket sales... so none of the state funding was even involved.

According to the Washington Post, there was an amusing twist in the debate:

While another senator was pressing Harris about why his amendment did not apply to double-X or single-X films, Senate President Thomas V. Mike Miller Jr. (D-Calvert) noticed that a group of third-graders had arrived to watch the action from the Senate gallery.

"Can we move to another amendment?" Miller said. And then: "We welcome the students from Plum Point Elementary School."

As debate on the other issue wrapped up, he told the children: "We're waiting for you to leave the room. We've got to talk about bad stuff."

Later, another senator was citing research that pornography makes men more angry at women who flirt but refuse to have sex. A group from Hollywood Elementary School in St. Mary's County then arrived. [Washington Post]

Representatives from the University, at that point, announced they were canceling the screening. We want to be mad at them, but pornography is not exactly high on our list of "free speech vehicles to defend to the death..."

P.S. Check out a censored Keira Knightley-Pirates-inspired porn comic here.

This Week in Gayness: Sacha Baron Cohen's Gay Sex

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 15:59:00 GMT

Is Republican hypocrite Newt Gingrich practicing "gay fascism?"

The Freedom to Marry bill, which would finally bring same-sex marriage to Vermont, was greenlit by the legislature and will likely pass. However, it faces a veto from the state's Governor.

Newsweek asks: "Is gay the new black?" We ask, "What took you so long, Newsweek?"

eHarmony "comes out of the closet" to announce their new gay matchmaking service, Compatible Partners.

Kanye West asks us to never question his manhood. No, the other manhood, silly.

An Australian Catholic priest has been banished from the church for blessing gay couples.

We mentioned in an earlier post that Bruno has received an NC-17 rating after its initial showing at the MPAA. Here's why:

Ratings officials are reportedly concerned over several sexually explicit scenes, including one where Cohen's character engages in what appears to be anal sex with another man. Confirming the rating, a spokesperson for movie studio Universal adds, "On its first submission the film did not receive an R (less restrictive rating), but it is far too early to say that there is any struggle to get there as the process is only at its inception."

As we already knew, the scientific community pretty much unanimously agrees the "ex-gay" thing is fake:

The American Medical Association stated, "Most of the emotional disturbance experienced by gay men and lesbians around their sexual identity is ... due more to a sense of alienation in an unaccepting environment. For this reason, aversion therapy ... is no longer recommended."

The American Academy of Pediatrics warned, "Therapy directed at specifically changing sexual orientation is contraindicated, since it can provoke guilt and anxiety while having little or no potential for achieving changes in orientation."

This Week in Gayness: Aubrey O'Day May Be Gay

This Week In Gayness: America vs. Fred Phelps

Moran Stirring Up Controversy By Suggesting We Need To Get Rid Of Obama

Italian Porn Star Strips at the Milan Stock Exchange

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 22:19:00 GMT

Man, porn stars are all over the media today. Just head back to the homepage and scroll down-- even Kim Kardashian makes an appearance!

22-year-old Sicilian actress Laura Perego trumps them all-- "walked into the stock market in a black coat which she took off to reveal her body painted in the colours of the Italian flag, naked apart for some tiny underwear," according to the Associated Press.

She accused the government of incompetence in its financial dealings and of leaving Italians with nothing but their underwear after taxes are taken out. Man, this is the spokesperson Michael Steele has been dying for. Fox News is sure to interview her any day now.

Of course, the "family values" motto the Republicans stand behind doesn't really jibe with these pics:

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While You Were Sleeping: Principal Walks In At The Wrong Moment

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 13:08:00 GMT

Rush Limbaugh is at it again: he's predicting Ted Kennedy is going to die soon.

This cat amuses the bejesus out of our stupid asses.

M.I.A. denied naming her baby Ickitt... but hasn't convinced us of this yet because she won't say what she did name the lil' thang.

Questions remain: will Specter switch to the Democrats? Will Howard Dean join the Cabinet? And is Al Franken ever going to be named Senator?

Moby says what we're all thinking: the weather is too harsh up here in the winter and it's time to migrate elsewhere... at least from October through May.

Wanna be Bruce Lee?

Live in Sweden and want to hire a teenage babysitter? You might reconsider that after reading this.

Rihanna is trying to focus on "new music," which is easy when your boyfriend/husband is busy with the trial for beating you up, spends his nights drinking illegally, and has a soon-to-be-condemned album of his own to work on.

And a school principal in Arizona is gouging his eyes out after walking in a student getting it on with a teacher.

Sloppy Seconds: What Will Rihanna Say to Chris Brown?

While You Were Sleeping: Oscar Upsets?

Barack Obama's "Gay Sex Scandal" Is The Gift That Keeps On Giving

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 16:28:00 GMT

...for liberals.

Because the "Barack Obama is gay" narrative is entirely the work one deranged and entirely unlikeable character, he can only embolden Democrats with his bizarre and unbelievable claims...

Larry Sinclair, the same transparent wacko whose story of doing cocaine off the cock of Barack, has apparently returned to save the Globe from plummeting newsstand sales. "Well, what have we got? There's nothing going on right now, so let's recycle the Obama Is Gay story-- just don't mention Sinclair on the cover, so everyone will think these are new allegations from someone actually slightly believable." Or something like that.

It turns out Sinclair is putting out a book, according to his frightening and laughable website. (Why is his shirt on backwards on the homepage, for starters?) Here's the Globe's obnoxious tease for the issue:

PRESIDENT Barack Obama is caught up in a new gay sex and drug scandal - and his loving wife is heartbroken, sources tell GLOBE in a blockbuster world exclusive. Find out all the details of the letter Michelle Obama received from the MAN who claims to be her husband's lover - and how America's devastated First Lady is fighting back against a shocking new tell-all book. It's must reading!

If Michelle Obama were devastated by these allegations, she would have been over them this summer, as they are nothing knew. Nonetheless, check out the desperate right-wing kooks that come out to support Sinclair. These are the same people that thought illegal wiretapping, war crimes, the pointless deaths of thousands of American troops, rumors of W's people having wacked W's mistress (we're not making that up), and Dick Cheney's shooting of a hunting partner were all nothing to cry about over the past eight years. Oh, but one guy without a shred of proof that he had gay sex with the black Democrat in the White House... the outrage!

-Congratulations to you and my thanks to the Globe. I appreciate the magazine for their consistency in taking and printing updates on your narrative and the constant endeavor to expose the truth about Barack Obama.
-Heee heeee!!! America's "First Lady," is heartbroken! Well, diddums! She must have known about the book quite some time ago, though I guess she was hoping that if there were enough threats to Larry, the book would disappear. Well, Mrs Oscammer, why not invest in a few cardigans to cover those arms of yours because with any luck you'll be out in the cold before too long!
-Since Senator Byrd is criticizing our "king scum", I wonder if he will just suddenly die? Supposedly in the future, we will not have the freedom of speech to criticize him.bkw
-Rock on Larry !! I hope mo hits the wall and explodes with barry soetoro right behind her ! They are nothing but crap on the face of the earth !

The more these twits carry on, the better it makes Obama look. Read more, if you can stomach it, at Larry Sinclair's blog.

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While You Were Sleeping: Paula Deen Moons Her Audience

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 14:08:00 GMT

Memo to Citibank employees: if you receive a letter requesting $27 million for the Bank of Ethiopia, check to make sure it wasn't posted in Nigeria.

The GOP attacked Obama on the stimulus... but this guy couldn't name a single piece of "pork," not even a general category.

You have to wait till the end of this Walker: Texas Ranger clip for the payoff-- and it's laugh-out-loud, knee-slappin' good times...

Ah, young love: these days, it entails sex with your teacher dozens of times in several locations, including the parking lot of a K-Mart.

A man accidentally shot himself during a robbery attempt. He proceeded to lose the loot... and his pants.

Prince dedicated his secret Hollywood concert after the Oscars to Penelope Cruz.

Authorities busted 500 people and freed 48 child prostitutes in a major raid yesterday.

And, in perhaps one of the greatest YouTube moments so far, Paula Deen mooned her fans at the Miami Food and Wine Festival...

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While You Were Sleeping: Westboro Stoops To New Low, Falls On Its Face

While You Were Sleeping: The 10 Biggest Music Moneymakers

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 14:08:00 GMT

Twitter doomed the Republican takeover of Virginia. That's not an exaggeration.

Tom Cruise + Denzel Washington divided by David Cronenberg = The Matarese Circle.

We're not sure who Olivia Munn is, but we'll remember that name now...

A couple of pranksters hacked a Taco Bell drive through speaker and, of course, used it to shout a bunch of random obscenities.

This doesn't sound hot: Anne Hathaway in drag.

There are some surprise entrants in this year's list of the top 10 moneymakers in the music business. Madonna is #1, says Billboard (via Yahoo),

followed... by Bon Jovi with $157.2 million, Bruce Springsteen ($156.3 million), the Police ($110 million), Celine Dion ($99.2 million), Kenny Chesney ($90.8 million), Neil Diamond ($82.2 million), Rascall Flatts ($63.5 million), Jonas Brothers ($62.6 million) and Coldplay ($62.2 million).

The fact that Bon Jovi made more money than Bruce Springsteen says a lot about how bad this country's musical taste runs.

In other Madonna news, that ancient nude photo of her sold for 37 g's.

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This Week in Gayness: How to Tell Your Boyfriend Is Closeted

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 10 Feb 2009 15:12:00 GMT

When in doubt, blame Kenneth Starr. For everything, including bleach stains, if necessary.

Get involved each day of Freedom to Marry week.

Once again, meddling Senators are dooming New York's chances of gay marriage in 2009.

The same New York Times article linked above has been attacked by gay rights supports for "demonizing" their allies.

The Frisky has a list of 9 (alleged) signs your supposedly straight boyfriend is gay.

Even the Republicans in Hawaii are unanimously in favor of civil unions: the House just approved a bill giving same-sex couples the rights married couples have.

Supporters of a defeated hate crimes bill in Georgia aren't giving up.

Why does the right wing care so much that transsexuals have the option to select male or female on their Massachusetts drivers licenses?

Perez Hilton's Novelty Song

Homophobic Phelps Clan to Picket/Pick-On High School Students

This Week in Gayness: The Homophobic Celebrity Ad You Missed

While You Were Sleeping: Michael Phelps Caught on Tape

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 14:08:00 GMT

The Tom Cruise movie Valkyrie is doing well overseas-- hey, he has a career after all...

Judah Friedlander weighed in on the Super Bowl... before the game.

Barack Obama's brother was released from jail following a pot posession charge.

The latest victims in the newspaper crash: LA Times staffers.

The latest victims of Sarah Palin's constant white lies: Republicans.

Lisa Loeb is no longer a "#1 single."

This dumbass thinks someone will buy his 867-5309 number on ebay after telling the New York Times it gets hounded with prank calls.

The Transformers sequel had its trailer premiere during the Super Bowl.

Jennifer Hudson returned to the public eye for a dynamite performance of the National Anthem at the Super Bowl.

Michael Phelps was busted by photographer and eyewitnesses getting stoned via "a marijuana pipe" at a South Carolina college party.

And we finally found someone with a more bizarre life(style) than Britney Spears: her ex, the guy she just slapped with a restraining order, Adnan Ghalib.

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While You Were Sleeping: Getting Dumped On Facebook

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 26 Jan 2009 14:20:00 GMT

"Sexting" is so popular even the backwards-ass morons at the New York Post are becoming aware of it.

The Republicans are planning to use Obama's plans to close Guantanamo Bay against him, maybe even as their lead line of attack.

And your worst nightmare is about to come true: Absolutely Fabulous is being remade as an American show.

The Silver Jews broke up. And apparently, David Berman's Dad is a psycho.

30 Rock and Kate Winslet('s cleavage) continue to collect the top awards. By the way, aside from 30 Rock, it's difficult to agree with any of the Screen Actors Guild choices, at least not the ones listed here.

Meanwhile, Slumdog Millionaire is doing very well in wide release, including in places like Butte, MT and Columbia, SC.

This is an incredible and surprisingly touching story of a Nigerian Facebook scam.

And speaking of Facebook, Prince Harry's five-year relationship has ended. The Royal found out himself only after seeing it in his Facebook News feed. Ow.

Today in "How'd That Get Up There?"

If You're Going to Give A BJ In Public...

Today's Topless PETA Roundup

Scanner Roundtable: If Gay Marriage Is Legal, What About Polygamy?

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 22 Jan 2009 15:14:00 GMT

The question posed by our headline is the very question the United Provinces of Canadia is dealing with today, thanks to a case involving the practice that is heating up in the country's courts. Two men linked to Warren Jeffs, the nutso Utah sect leader, currently facing serious jail time, are each of accused of having multiple wives.

Their argument is simple...

Blackmore’s lawyer, Blair Suffredine, said during a telephone interview that marriage standards in Canada have changed.
“If (homosexuals) can marry, what is the reason that public policy says one person can’t marry more than one person?” said Suffredine, a former provincial lawmaker. Canada’s Parliament extended full marriage rights to same-sex couples in 2005. [Canoe]

Before you go and get all excited, remember this: we are creeped out by these Jeffian cultists as much as the next person, but should we promote gay marriage while also saying, "Oh, but yeah... we don't condone that totally medieval practice?" Are we any better than those wacko Republicans who claim gay marriage in America will open the floodgates for people to marry their pet snakes, underage relatives with eight heads, and horny lepers.

P.S. Ironically, it was one gay couple's battles with the legal system reminded them of what polygamists must go through, and that thinking led to their HBO series Big Love.

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Who Says Homosexuality and Polygamy Are The Same Thing?

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While You Were Sleeping: John Mayer vs. Jimmy Fallon?

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 14:08:00 GMT

The new Iron Man 2 rumors say that there may not be enough money to include Samuel L. Jackson. Then again, they are somehow able to afford Emily Blunt for a role.

We're a sucker for crazy bets like this: a Republican senator lost a gentlemanly bet on a college football game to a Democratic senator. His repentance? He had to serenade Florida politician Bill Nelson, a former astronaut, with Elton John's "Rocket Man."

The Ex-BART officer who shot and killed an unarmed man on recorded video was found...

The former transit police officer accused of shooting an unarmed man at a California train station went to Nevada with his family "to clear his mind" after receiving death threats, his lawyer said Wednesday.
The lawyer's comments came after Johannes Mehserle was arrested on a fugitive warrant in Nevada.
Leads led investigators to Johannes Mehserle, 27, in Zephyr Cove, Nevada, on Tuesday, authorities said. He was contacted through his attorney and then surrendered. [CNN]

The blogs are predicting Amy Poehler's new Office "spinoff" is actually a knockoff.

If you're going to start a brawl, you might not want to do so in a brothel, especially when you're off-duty police officers.

We care what these people think of the John Mayer TV show? We could care less about his pop records and personal life, but the VH-1 show was inspired-- we always thought he would be a great late night host.

Going to the inauguration? 20+ jumbotrons. 5,000 port-a-potties. 10,000 National Guard troops. And clearly not enough beer vendors.

And Washington state will allow teachers to have sex with their students, as long as the students are legal.

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Jennifer Aniston Does GQ...Naked

Sloppy Seconds: Kate Winslet's Secret

Did Obama Sell Out The Gays?

While You Were Sleeping: Tara Reid Back To The Booze

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 14:08:00 GMT

Guess who's to blame for the continued conflicted in Gaza? The United States, that's who-- they blocked a UN resolution calling for an end to the fighting. (Not that it would've done a damn thing to stop the assault.)

Have you been buying Pepsi from the Atlanta plant? (First of all-- why are you buying Pepsi?) It turns out they are using illegal Mexican Pepsi.

Marijuana has been decriminalized in ~~Drugachusetts~~ Massachusetts (for the most part) and cops are refusing to hand out tickets because the law is "poorly" written. Now, we've got it-- just start passing laws that sound like they're restricting drugs, but make them so ridiculous, no one can prosecute. This is how we'll sneak past those right-wing nuts who think the War on Drugs is working.

What kind of moron calls 911 to complain that she's driving drunk? A moron who, unlike most, at least knows that she needs help.

Click here to see men with wings fly around mountains. No stinkin' jetpacks for these dudes.

Tara Reid has already checked out of rehab after only three weeks. Think she's cured?

We're not really sure what's up with this case involving a 16-year-old girl accusing a guy of taking nude photos of her in the shower, and the guy's girlfriend, who claims she took the pictures and framed him for the crime.

Gosh darn it, Al Franken is officially the winner of the Minnesota Senate race. Until, of course, the Republicans sue the pants off the guy.

This invention will conserve water by recycling handwash as toilet water. It's better than you think.

And, as you probably know already, John Travolta's sixteen-year-old son died of a head injury incurred while suffering a seizure. Gawker, in a careful, roundabout way, considers Scientology at least partly to blame, saying Travola and wife Kelly Preston "privileged their adherence to Scientology over their devotion to their son."

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Three Men Jump 12-Year-Old Girl, Beat Her Up, Call Her A Hooker... Then Arrest Her

No, Wait, the Lithuanian Playboy Calendar Is What We Really Wanted

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This Blog Has Been Rated NC-17

RNC Candidate Produces "Barack the Magic Negro" Song

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 18:02:00 GMT

If you think the historic and decisive victory of Barack Obama has dealt a death blow to this country's racial intolerance, you're going to want to see this...

Chip Saltsman, the genius who turned Mike Huckabee's win in the Iowa caucus to a triumphant defeat down the road, is running to be the head of the Republican National Committee. Since, as is the case with Sarah Palin, the vilest candidate should win here and, with the unfunny "parody" song he handed out to colleagues at Christmas and the huge uproar over the weekend, we would peg him as the new front runner for the job.

Here's a video someone made set to the song. Our second favorite, way less amusing, is here. There's nothing to say here except these people are incredibly sad... just sad...

...with caveats: 1) The video opens with Paul Shanklin, an Al Sharpton impersonator (more like "mocker"), letting everyone know this is closed captioned for the "thinking impared." Yes, that's how he spelled it. Oh, and there are no captions in the video whatsoever. 2) Even if the rest of the ignorant lyrics fail to turn you off, just keep reminding yourself that Saltsman is white and the use of the word "Negro," his defenders argue, is completely acceptable because he's "being funny." 3) The smack-yourself-in-the-forehead break in the song, which either Saltsman or Shanklin use to claim that people vote for Obama because "this is about justice"-- as if those tens of millions of votes were all because people feel sorry for the Civil Rights Era (yeah, tell that to the Jesse Jackson '84 and '88 campaigns, and to George Bush, who would be relieved to know it had nothing to do with him.

If the video gets pulled (it has been once already), please email us at scanner@nerve.com and we'll get another version up immediately.

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While You Were Sleeping: Full House Coming Back to TV?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 14:08:00 GMT

The dumbest (tabloid) question of the day: "Does a woman's short haircut mean she isn't interested in sex?"

Hitler was "the perfect boss," according to his maid. We'll, uh, refrain from wishing he was still of this world, thank you very much.

Keanu Reeves' agent must have a mortgage to pay off or something if he's actually considering this...

Movie executives at 20th Century Fox are reaching out to Keanu Reeves to reprise his Jack Traven character for a third Speed film, according to Internet reports.

That shy-weird-studly actor from Twilight is starring in a new movie with Matthew McNulty about the possibly nonfictional love affair between Salvador Dali and Federico Garcia Lorca. IMDB says it is "Rated R for sexual content, language and a brief disturbing image." Let us guess-- Robert Pattison's dong?

The worst show in television history (tied with about a hundred other sitcoms and America's Funniest Home Videos, of course) may make a return, thanks to its star, John Stamos:

Stamos is plotting to reunite at least some of the cast for a "semi-remake."

Cameron Bure tells OK! Magazine, "John has been working on a semi-remake of Full House. I know it would involve me and Jodie Sweeten. We would revive our characters, but today as young women."

Sarah Palin declined to be interviewed by Oprah Winfrey. Perhaps because Oprah would ask her if Africa was a country.

And Christian nutjob Rick Warren favors assassination. Thankfully, so far he's only named a foreign leader to his list.

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Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 04 Dec 2008 21:45:00 GMT

Roger Ebert ripped Ben Stein a new one again, and much more effectively this time, with a blog entitled "Win Ben Stein's Mind." As one commenter put it, " Should one win Ben Stein's mind, what would one do with it, since it is obviously useless as a functioning organ?"

Jon Hamm & Tina Fey? On 30 Rock, where the best celebrity couplings happen.

The first Best Movies Of The Year awards were given out by the National Board of Review... and the winners are:

Picture: Slumdog Millionaire
Director: David Fincher for ...Benjamin Button
Actress: Anne Hathaway for Rachel Getting Married
Actor: Clint Eastwood for Gran Torino
Supporting Actor: Josh Brolin for Milk
Supporting Actress: Penelope Cruz for Vicki Cristina Barcelona

The Frisky came out with their ten best male nude scenes list.

An idiot Republican congresswoman hung up on Obama (twice!) and Rahm Emanuel, just for laughs.

Kristin Stewart as Joan Jett. Yeah, we can picture that.

And Jeremy Piven may be getting married to John Cleese's daughter.

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While You Were Sleeping: The Gyllenhaal Divorce

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 14:01:00 GMT

This week, we're blogging from a quiet beach near Clearwater, Florida... so your news will be a bit more Southern and probably a lot weirder...

The government will finally bail out the public, thanks to up to $800 billion in money being directed toward allowing for more loans to consumers. Great, just what we need, more debt.

There's nothing worse than getting busted for being involved in prostitution and having your face plastered all over the local media. Actually, we take that back: there's nothing worse than getting busted for prostitution and having your face plastered all over the world, plus admit to dating a much, much older doorman who won the lottery and buys you expensive things. Yeah, that will go over well with your childhood community overseas.

Kristen Johnston, who took it off for-- what else-- PETA. And she, uh, mounted a house for the shoot...

Cancer is on the decline in the U.S. for the first time in our history. However, some naysayers are saying that the amount of people being screened has fallen as well...

We were a little surprised to see Republican Governor Charlie Crist talking "new taxes" in the paper here yesterday. Of course, the top story today? "Gov. Charlie Crist backs off both [tackling a foreclosure freeze and a cigarette tax] after talking to representatives of the banking and tobacco industries." What a whimp.

Even some elected officials were stumped by this challenging US history and government quiz.

One Florida neighborhood's concoction of choice this Thanksgiving? The Molotov cocktail, of course.

How great does Beyonce look as Etta James?

And Maggie and Jake Gyllenhaal's parents are involved in a nasty divorce after 32 years of marriage. Mom is about to go bankrupt thanks to Dad not paying his share of their bills... won't someone think of the children(s' careers)?

Some unlinked stories via The St. Petersburg Times.

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Controversial "Courting Condi" Cancelled By Cronies

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 14:54:00 GMT

The 2008 election year may have ended, but Bush & Co. aren't splayed out on the front steps of 1600 Pennsylvania, waiting for the Obamas to roll in.

Condoleezza Rice, for one, hasn't resorted to phoning it in. She shows up for work every day in classy Saks, brushes the Katrina victims aside, and strides through the front gate to the White House, where her boss, her hero, awaits with a non-alcoholic beer and a bag of pretzels. Together, they are Nixon and Kissinger, circa 1974, with the fireplace ablaze and the rocks in a glass of whiskey clattering back and forth, hashing out their escape plan.

Part of that plan is to ensure their legacy and making sure, for starters, that any revealing documentary films are dead in the water before they're even released...

We're not sure we buy the filmmakers claim that Karl Rove asked the Discovery Company to rescind its promise to fund the film or that the State Department had their hotel rooms bugged, but it may be true friends of or even Condoleezza Rice herself asked that Stanford University cancel an advance screening of "Courting Condi," a documentary following an actor-musician's quest to at least go on a date with Madame Secretary.

The Stanford Film Society (SFS) today cancelled a screening of a controversial documentary about Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, and a debate on whether Stanford University should welcome her back to its faculty when she leaves office in 2009.

The film’s director, Sebastian Doggart stated: “This has all the hallmarks of Rice’s cronies scaring the Stanford Film Society into pulling the screening.”

The movie, Courting Condi, is a documentary about Condoleezza Rice, charting her life and career from her birth in Alabama, through her time as Provost at Stanford, to her tenure as Secretary of State. Contributors include close friends of Rice, her top biographers Marcus Mabry and Glenn Kessler, and senior Republican politicians such as Brent Scowcroft and Lawrence Wilkerson... [it] is due for general release in February 2009.

We'd like to add that the film also co-stars Adrian Grenier and Steve Earle's music, plus its lead by the kid (now grown) who played Macaulay Culkin's demented brother in Home Alone.

The SFS at first offered no explanation for the cancelation; after some prying, the President claimed a Professor had asked to use the space and his agenda took priority. But the SFS added that they didn't think the post-screening debate would be balanced and that that fear factored in their decision. Doggart chalks all this up to a, well, not-so-vast right-wing conspiracy:

“Our documentary has seen these tactics of obstruction and intimidation before,” Doggart states. “Eighteen months ago, Discovery committed to financing $600,000 for the movie. One week before shooting, they pulled out. We subsequently learned that Karl Rove found out about the deal and advised the CEO of Discovery it would be bad for their ‘good relations with government’ to proceed. Discovery pulled out the next day, leading to legal wrangling and a final settlement of a $150,000 ‘kill loan’ from Discovery, and forcing us to make the film on a shoestring.”
Doggart continues: “The obstructive measures got worse. Her supporters did all they could to stop us securing archive materials of Rice’s time at both Denver University and Stanford. And then her agents raided our inn when we were filming in Washington DC.”

Here's the film's trailer. Tell me-- is this a documentary or more likely a mockumentary?

Via Courting Condi.

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Is The GOP Over Yet? A New Poll Seems To Think So...

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 21:06:00 GMT

More than six in ten Americans have an unfavorable view of the Grand Old Party, according to a Gallup poll released today.

But that's not even the worst part of the survey, which should have Republicans scrambling faster than the Dems did after getting trounced in 2004...

One thing the party has largely avoided, to much unity and success, is a clear image, set of goals, and ideology. Not so anymore, according to CNN's reading of the Gallup numbers:

As the debate rages within GOP ranks over where to take the party, the poll might offer some guidance.

Most Republicans — 59 percent — want the party to become more conservative, according to the poll. Another 28 percent want it to remain about the same ideologically, while only 12 percent would prefer to see the Republican Party become less conservative.

Independents are split on whether the party should track left or right: 35 percent of independent voters say the GOP should become more conservative, and 35 percent say less conservative.

Not only are independents evenly divided on what it would take to rope them into the fold, the party itself isn't holding it together either: while the country and the newest generation of voters want the country moving to the left on Iraq, gay marriage, healthcare, and so on, Republicans want to-- forgive the expression-- cling to guns and religion. (And making abortion a top issue, which won't go over well with us youth types, either...)

What do you think? Can the GOP bounce back? Will a faltering economy doom Democrats in 2010 and bring back a Republican movement?

Via CNN.

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If You're A Liberal And Terrified Your Vote Won't Count...

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 13:08:00 GMT

...you won't want to watch this... or read this horror story from West Virginia (who would've thought, just six months ago, West Virginia would be this fierce?)

1) The horror show... this is former NRCC head Tom Davis at the National Press Club, answering a question from the audience about whether the GOP is going to be up to their usual tricks this time around. Remember: this is a GOP-friendly reporter asking a fellow GOPer if the GOP is going to put the band back together, as it were. The response is the most frightening political thing we've seen since Wally O'Dell, the guy in charge of many of Ohio's voting machines in 2004, said he was "committed to delivering [the state's] electoral votes to George Bush."

Note that it isn't so much what he says but how he says it... and the almost sinister laugh from the room. It's the closest thing we've ever seen to the media admitting the GOP is disgracefully and possibly illegally purging voters.

2) In case you think we're exaggerating or even, somehow, imagining that this hasn't been going on for years, here's another classic example:

Virginia Matheney and Calvin Thomas said touch-screen machines in the county clerk's office in Ripley kept switching their votes from Democratic to Republican candidates.

"When I touched the screen for Barack Obama, the check mark moved from his box to the box indicating a vote for John McCain," said Matheney...

When she reported the problem, she said, the poll worker in charge "responded that everything was all right. It was just that the screen was sensitive and I was touching the screen too hard. She instructed me to use only my fingernail."

Even after she began using her fingernail, Matheney said, the problem persisted.

She isn't the only one. The Charleston Gazette has reported that West Virginia is experiencing these problems all over, with election officials attributing the malfunction to "shifting" that occasionally occurs in transporting the machines to the polling sites. No one, of course, had an explanation for why there were all changing only Democratic votes.

More here. Image via Mother Jones.

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Barack Obama vs. John McCain: The Dean Martin Roast Version

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 17 Oct 2008 15:19:00 GMT

Last night, John McCain and Barack Obama went to war on each other, Dean and Frank-style: via roast...

Believe it or not, the results were damned funny... even if it's painful to see McCain bury his face in his joke book, even during punchlines...

Our favorite part is when, in Part 1, the Mr. Burns-Bob Schieffer hybrid behind McCain puts a prune between his false teeth. Apparently, the food was too good to let go cold in honor of McCain.

1) McCain - Part 1

2) McCain - Part 2

3) Obama

Image via Amy's Robot.

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Republican Ex-Assemblyman, Tough On Sex Offenders, Busted For...

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 15 Oct 2008 14:12:00 GMT

Three guesses as to what Republican Chris Ortloff, a former member of the New York State Assembly, is facing life in prison for...

1) Ortloff served twenty years in the State Legislature before he was appointed to the parole board by Gov. George Pataki, a position he retains to this day.

2) Ortloff discovered the cursed internet, invented by his nemesis Al Gore, and decided he liked it. Well, he liked the part about being able to e-mail (what he thought were) 11 and 12-year-old sisters in hopes of arranging hotel sex.

3) The perv went to a hotel with "condoms, lubricants, a vibrator, and a camera" to capture the illicit sex with the underage girls. Of course, the underage girls were actually cops who were legally allowed to kick his door down and haul his ass downtown, which is exactly what they did.

4) Now Ortloff faces ten years to life in the slammer for his attempted night of sin. He's due back in court today for a bail hearing. Good luck with that-- see you at your first parole board hearing, dumbass!

Via Newsday.

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Debate #3: It's Better To Fade Away Than To Burn Out

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 13:22:00 GMT

Maybe it would be better if Cranky McCrankypants just disappeared for a while, and reemerged a few days (or even a week or two) from now to swoop in with some brilliant attack ad that's effective and actually warranted, unlike everything else he's been for months.

Seriously, think about it: it worked for him after his staff began bailing on him in the primary runup; then he did some soul searching, stripped everything away that wasn't working, and bit by bit, built himself back into a winner and took the New Hampshire primary like a force of nature.

Because this "transcript," our memory of tonight's debate, shows you why his recent strategy/tactics aren't working for him...

TRANSLATED TRANSCRIPT:

McCain: Thank you, my friends. My friends, my friends always say to me, "When the conversation gets rough, my friends, and there is no Republican talking point that can get you out of one of those pesky 'questions' asked by fascist scoundrels like Katie Couric and Tom Brokaw, just switch the subject back to 'energy independence,' and talk about how our country should have independence from oversight by nuclear regulatory committees. My friends, this is the only way."

Obama: I need to resp--

Brokaw: You're not allowed to respond.

Obama: But-- but--

Brokaw: Back to you McCain before Obama embarrasses himself by continuing to break the rules of the debate and look like the whiner Sean Hannity knows he is. Senator McCain, can you explain to me why the Keating Five scandal was once called your greatest error, to paraphrase you, and is now referred to you as total batshit crazy talk?

McCain: Well, my friends, the Keating Four were my friends. My friends, I want to talk to you about energy independence...

Obama: Tom, Tom! Can I--

Brokaw: Let's go to another totally boring, irrelevant, and uninspiring, vetted audience member to ask the next question...

And so on, until we all vote Bob Barr... because this kind of debate just bores us to tears...

-2:01am, after Scanner alumnus Bobby Tisdale's debate watch party & subsequent Scanner Emily-book-release-celebration drinks

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Top 5 Most Offensive Commericals We Can Think Of At The Moment

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 19:04:00 GMT

We've been so busy renting DVDs from a certain mail order/internet service that we haven't watched television, certainly not television with commercial interruption, for what seems like years now. So it's a very jarring experience to go over Scanner Emily's house, eat casseroles, and watch something from the modern era called The Biggest Loser and stare in mute agony at the barrage of filth and garbage that gets thrown back in our faces. By the advertisers, of course.

This got us thinking about how grateful we are not to see commericals, especially this atrocious fivesome, ever again. Here are five television ads someone hopefully got fired over...

5. "Racist" McDonald's African-themed commercial. 'Nuff said.

4. When the guy gets out of the car in the beginning of this Credit MacDaddy commercial, we were deathly afraid it would be a zombified Rick James.

3. Forget whether the makers and signer-offers of this ad should be fired, they should downright be imprisoned for exploiting our veterans for monetary gain. It's so bad, it'll almost make you forget about the Republican Party's exploitation of 9/11 victims for political gain... naw, not really...

2. This one's just probably offensive to our intelligence. Although we don't even want to think about the possible number of people who actually trusted that guy with their money.

1. The top ad here (Senator Chambliss' ad against then-incumbet Democratic Senator and Vietnam Vet Max Cleland), which famously linked a man who lost limbs for his country to Osama Bin Laden (and succeeded in defeating that man), is easily the most offensive commercial in human history. Here's a bonus... a commercial that's either a) extremely offensive or b) not offensive at all, depending on your point of view. Just staying neutral on this one, we have to admit it's hard to explain why this might be offensive. Maybe it's that it's not effective... or that it turns domestic violence into a Hollywood action sequence... or that it's just plain terrible and a waste of money better spent actually helping victims of spousal abuse.

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Hey Rev. Jeremiah Wright: Your Sex Scandal Is Not Helping

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 10 Sep 2008 15:39:00 GMT

Lemme get this straight, Reverend Jeremiah Wright: first, you give the Republicans the only real ammo they've ever had to go after Obama, who was supposed to be your friend, and then you made it worse by not shutting up about it and going away. You continued to give incendiary press conferences and even had to go after Obama to save face.

Now, what's this? A sex scandal? And in the most unholy of ways? Thanks a big whopping lot, jackass...

According to the New York Post and other sources, a woman named Elizabeth Payne is at the center of a love rectangle (hmm, that doesn't sound right), with the Wrong Reverend as the very public focal point:

1) 67-year-old Wright met 37-year-old Payne during the whole "Goddamn America" meltdown, when he was in Dallas visiting a protege, who was in charge of the church Payne worked at.

2) Payne was married. And so, of course, is Wright, who 20 years ago, snapped up a woman after his counseling of her marriage failed. Wow.

3) Payne was subsequently fired and divorced when allegations of her affair with Wright were made public. A lawsuit she filed to get her job back is pending...