Scanner : President Bush

Scanner Colleen's Encounters of the Presidential Kind

Colleen Kane — Mon, 16 Feb 2009 15:00:00 GMT

My fellow Americans, I have only had one Presidential-themed encounter personally, but I'm going to share my mom's anecdote and my dad's half-one as well. It's a Kanes' Brushes With Presidential Fame Extravaganza.

Picture it: Central Jersey, nineteen eighty something. My moms was driving along route 287 when a high-end foreign car (she forgets the make now, but guesses BMW) took a swerve towards my mom's mustard-colored Volvo station wagon. Mom looked over at the driver, who was rummaging for something on the dashboard, and was startled to recognize one of the most iconic faces of her lifetime looking back.

It was Jackie O! She lived in some ritzy part of the Jerse at the time, possibly Pluckemin, although that factoid is now hazy in my parents' memories as well. They met eyes, and Jackie did a little "oops, sorry" wave. Then my mom and John John's mom happened to get off at the same exit, and happened to end up at the same strip mall. (Nobody was stalking anybody, so lay off.) Jackie was heading to the dry cleaners, noticed my mom's car as the one she'd swerved at earlier, and waved over to her. She was maybe not the greatest driver, but no one could deny the lady's grace.

It must have been the early 80s, because I was young enough that I didn't know who Jackie O was, but I remember how thrilled my mom was telling the story to everyone. Another time, my dad stood behind Jackie on line when she was buying cigarettes, but he didn't get any Presidential waves. I did though, years later. Here's my encounter, as told when I was interviewed on Gothamist.

A few days after September 11th, a few friends and I made it into the sealed-off downtown area to try to volunteer at one of the hospitals. We ended up sitting in a waiting room for hours, not being of any help to anyone. The whole front glass wall of the waiting room was covered with missing-person fliers. While waiting there I saw, on the fuzzy local TV news (all the TV towers had been knocked out, remember) President Bush boarding a small plane to come to New York. That’s right, that goon is President, I was reminded again. Finally we gave up waiting around to help and headed out. I peeled a scrap of paper from a car that was covered in that damp, gray-white dust that was made up of the collapsed buildings and humanity and planes. It said “Appendix,” and I kept it in my pocket. As we walked uptown we were stopped by a cop, on a corner across the street from City Hall. All pedestrian traffic was stopped on all corners at that intersection, though we weren’t told why. Finally a succession of black SUVs and other Secret Service vehicles with tinted glass came around the corner heading down to Ground Zero…it was the Presidential motorcade. New Yorkers on each corner of the intersection stood silent as the motorcade slowly proceeded by, then we saw President Bush’s grinning monkey face at one window, and he waved and gave us the thumbs up. The fucking thumbs up?! Was he joking? Nobody waved back, cheered, booed, or said much of anything, really. It was just like, Holy shit; that was the President. It was just another odd sight to an already stunned populace at one of the most unreal times ever.

Kind of a bum note to end on...but then just remember OBAMA!

USA!

Happy Presidents' Day, everyone.

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George W. Bush Attacks Our Vaginas

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 18:11:00 GMT

Gore Vidal predicted more than five years ago that George W. Bush would leave office the most hated President in history, and he was unfortunately right. (We would've been satisfied if Bush had simply been voted out in 2004 by any margin.) And it seems George is more than happy to accommodate this prophecy, regarding his legacy as little more than a few good days and some more money for his ultra-rich friends.

With his latest move, W. has now made it easier for you to be denied contraception...

Bush has now imposed a 127-page rule preventing any health care provider from being fired for refusing a patient medical care on religious grounds. Well, that's just great-- a rule that's supposed to let doctors and nurses avoid participating in abortions (hey, dumbass-- there's already a law for that, so that's not what this is about!) is actually a rule that will allow providers to avoid giving women access to contraceptives, ostensibly to keep them from having gay premarital ass sex... or something.

We all know what this is really about:

1) Preventing people from obtaining the pill from pharmacies

2) Preventing lesbians from conceiving

3) Preventing rape victims and others from receiving the morning after pill

4) Preventing women in danger of dying in childbirth from having abortions... and on and on and on.

If doctors are allowed to refuse to do anything "morally objectionable," does this mean a doctor could refuse to treat a gay man who has been the victim of an attack?

Barack Obama, are you reading this? What are you going to do, on your first day in office, after signing the bailout? We hope it's shooting down this order before it has time to do any real damage...

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While You Were Sleeping: Female Charles Manson on the Loose

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 14:58:00 GMT

Here's the strangest story you'll read all day: a man faces five years in an Arizona jail for being an illegal immigrant, which was proved in part by his handwriting sample.

Britney's son is out of the hospital.

If these two end up on Hannah Montana, we might actually try to find out what channel that show's on...

Barack Obama's daughters, Sasha and Malia, have been invited to appear on Disney's "Hannah Montana" show, Billy Ray Cyrus told "Access Hollywood." [MTV News]

Ever wanted to check out Einstein's FBI file? All 1,400+ pages of it?

Republicans in Minnesota are willing to eat their own Secretary of State if he doesn't get on the Stop The Voting bandwagon.

The female Charles Manson is a manipulative socio/psychopath and she's on the loose.

Caption this photo of Barack Obama and President Bush.

And here's something you'll enjoy: the 20 Wildest Reactions to Obama's Victory.

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Playboy's Presidential Sex Quiz A Welcome Distraction From Boring Obama Stories

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 18:40:00 GMT

The first U.S. president known to have been caught cheating on his wife was James Garfield. After finding out about the smutty letters he had written to an 18 year-old New York woman named Calhoun, his wife accused him of:

A. “abusing the executive privilege”
B. “sloppy penmanship, atrocious grammar and poor syntax”
C. “lawless passion”
D. “getting jiggy with that tenement trash”

And so it begins, Playboy's excellent time-waster on sex and the Presidents of the United States... find out the answer to this and several other quiz questions, after the jump...

TMI, Gennifer, TMI! Oh wait, this is William J. Clinton we're talking about here... do continue...

“I’ve had more women by accident than he’s had on purpose.”

A. George W. Bush about his dad
B. George H.W. Bush about his son
C. Lyndon Johnson about JFK
D. Franklin D. Roosevelt about Hitler

“Are you prepared for the storm of lovemaking with which you will be assailed?”

A. Martin Van Buren to a stranger in the next toilet stall
B. John F. Kennedy to Marilyn Monroe
C. Woodrow Wilson to Ellen Wilson
D. George Washington to Martha Washington

Check out the rest here... and let us know how you did... and by the way, if you didn't know the identity of the President rumored to have a four-year gay relationship (Abraham Lincoln), we don't even know what to say...

Let's Take A Look-See At The Ol' Electoral Map...

While You Were Sleeping: Posing Nude For Fun Or Charity

Hey Rev. Jeremiah Wright: Your Sex Scandal Is Not Helping

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The John Edwards Affair And Love Child Scandal: The Sequel

"We Support George McCain For President"

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 16:32:00 GMT

For our last post about the RNC (thank The Lord Jesus That Watches Over Conservatives for that!), we wanted to show you a video that we think summarizes the feelings on the floor of the entire convention. Those feelings, conveniently, can be melted down to one line: some Republicans are staunch in their support of Bush and McCain, while others just wanted America to forget about Junior...

This video is one in which I, Scanner Brian, must, in the interest of full disclosure, admit I was participant (I got Dennis Hastert to say how much he loved Bush and McCain and to take a sticker-- he was by far the nicest GOP power player we met in the Twin Cities.)

We recommend watching it on YouTube in high quality, but it's not important. Anyway, don't miss the ending, in which Senator Norm Coleman is asked what his feelings are on the Bush legacy:

Q: I just want to know how you feel about the last eight years of George Bush.
A: Well, uh... bleheelyelylelyelyylellelelalalelela... [not an exact transcription]

Also, although it's not in this video, the woman who puts the sticker on her forehead was ultimately completely unable to say why she supported Bush (or McCain) and, in fact, called her husband on camera to ask him for her talking points. ("He says we don't believe in wealth redistribution." Genius.)

Via YouTube.

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Our Crazy RNC Photo Essay

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RNC Day Two: Eloquence No Substitution For A Record... Of Temper Tantrums

RNC Day One: Total Anarchy

George W. Bush: President of the Olympic Women

Nicole Pasulka — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 18:08:00 GMT

Bush visited some of the Olympic athletes yesterday. Appears he had a pretty good time--GRABBING ASS!

Don't believe us? Evidence below.

Is this guy even President anymore? It's like someone gave your drunk uncle a really swanky private plane and a visor.

China Rebrands With... Death Star 2.0?

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 14:04:00 GMT

China launched its plan for world domination on Friday with a swarm of drummers, dancers and flying levitating corporate logos meant to hypnotize every human on the planet.

Billed “One World, One Dream” by the time they beat us into submission with their 18000-strong storm trooper synchronized drumming, the planet was too enraptured to worry about the Death Star rising from the stadium depths.

Not to be left out, global corporations will play a major role in the New World Order. Telecom giant AT&T is limiting communications, Google is censoring the Internet, and Nike will expand its program to enslave our young people. Nike has also struck a deal to finally outfit the global population with those silver jumpsuits we were promised so many decades ago.

Our world leaders were also on hand to grace China’s takeover. President Bush and others waved feebly to our nation’s young elites as they marched proudly to their doom dressed as, well, our nation’s young elites.

To ensure complete submission, event organizers even enlisted the Voice of God to give His blessing and reassure the masses of our Dear Leader’s Benevolence. It is hoped that with so much entertainment the world will not pay too much attention phase II of “One World One Dream", which began simultaneously with much less fanfare but just as many fireworks in Georgia.

With this New World Order in place China is also hoping to expand its prison, science and citizen disappearance programs, which in the least would give our local Bodies exhibit a little more variety.

Photo via Dead Spin.

-written by Byron Dafoe, who is filling in for Verena this week

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George W. Bush: Master of Disaster

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 12:50:00 GMT

Oh boy... all right, tell us... what did Turd Brain say this time?

The American leader, who has been condemned throughout his presidency for failing to tackle climate change, ended a private meeting with the words: "Goodbye from the world's biggest polluter."
He then punched the air while grinning widely, as the rest of those present including Gordon Brown and Nicolas Sarkozy looked on in shock.
Mr Bush, whose second and final term as President ends at the end of the year, then left the meeting at the Windsor Hotel in Hokkaido where the leaders of the world's richest nations had been discussing new targets to cut carbon emissions.

Ah, this guy is the Master of Satire. Oh wait, he wasn't being satirical-- he's just writing every Daily Show lead-in without even trying. Remember this classic, from '04?

One pictured Mr Bush looking under a piece of furniture in the Oval Office, at which the president remarked: "Those weapons of mass destruction have got to be here somewhere."
After another one, showing him scouring the corner of a room, Mr Bush said: "No, no weapons over there," he said.
And as a third picture, this time showing him leaning over, appeared on the screen the president was heard to say: "Maybe under here?"

Keep it up, Bushie, just don't tell a joke of this style ~~at a soldier's funeral~~ or anything. Whoops! [Blacked out by the Pentagon. - Ed.]

Via the Telegraph.

Yeah, Um, We'd Rather Not Read About Laura Bush And Oral Sex, Please

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 20:58:00 GMT

Can someone please read American Wife, the new Primary Colors-style fictionalized account of the life and marriage of First Lady Laura Bush, and let us know the juicy details? Because we'd rather not have to read anymore than we already did...

"He bent his head to kiss my sternum, my navel and belly … to open me up, and he brought his face in and was licking me, he was licking me firmly and repeatedly, and it seemed both difficult to believe (Charlie Blackwell’s face burrowed between my legs?) and also entirely inevitable: beyond logic and language and decorum…. His cheeks between my thighs, his bobbing head, and his earnest assiduous lapping—very quickly, it was too much to bear, and I gasped and cried out. It was like tremors, and I felt my thighs clenching around his head, and when he came up a few seconds later and kissed my forehead, I said, ‘I hope I didn’t suffocate you,’ and he said, ‘I can’t think of a better way to go."

Don't worry, it's not another one of those lovely Scooter Libby or Bill O'Reilly porn books, but... oh donkey spank, it's way worse:

[The] sex scenes, like the one of Bush — sorry, Charlie — finding himself between his wife’s legs. Reading it makes us very uncomfortable, because we like our president unethical and stupid, not horny and giving of himself.

We don't like our President at all, but that might be part of why we don't want to hear about his three-inch boners. Apparently, this is not even the least controversial aspect of Curtis Sittenfeld's book:

Her main character, Alice Blackwell, is a librarian whose husband Charlie finds himself manning the Oval Office. Blackwell learns her grandmother is a lesbian (this is taboo), kills her high school sweetheart at 16 (sort of like Laura did when she was involved in a fatal car accident), sleeps with his brother, finds herself in a family way, and aborts the fetus (this would anger pro-life types, like Laura Bush).

More via Radar/Jossip.

Old Woman Arrested For Linking McCain And Bush

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 18:57:00 GMT

Of course, she's not likely a supporter of both (or either), but Carol Kreck certainly hadn't done anything wrong when she reminded Bush supporters at a McCain event that the Senator is in many ways similar to the President.

The elderly lady, who had said nothing and done nothing except wait in line for John McCain's Town Hall (i.e. Preaching To The Choir) was escorted off the premises and ticketed for trespassing, which carries an automatic court date. In the following YouTube video, taped during the incident, she merely wonders why any Republican who supports McCain would be so "offended" by the association. After all, the two politicians support each other and agree on almost all of the same issues, so what's the big deal? (Okay, okay, we know-- McCain doesn't want to "equal" the unpopular President, he just wants to piggyback on the 26% of the country, and mainly conservatives, who still support Bush. Who's to say this woman wasn't a Bush supporter who wanted to remind other Bush supporters that McCain will be just as conservative? Yes, yes, we know that's silly, but not as silly as the police charging her with a crime, right?)

Here's the vid:

Via ThinkProgress

Guess Which US President Is Getting a Sewage Treatment Plant Named After Him...

Nicole Pasulka — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 16:16:00 GMT

Hint: It's not Bill Clinton.

That's right, there's a campaign in San Francisco to rename the Oceanside Water Pollution Control Plant after George W. Bush when he leaves office. A group called the Presidential Memorial Committee of San Francisco is circulating a petition to have the issue voted on during November elections. The fact that people have taken the time to collect 12,00 signatures supporting this name change is a perfect reason to both love and hate San Francisco. But it seems like the treatment plant will be more socially and environmentally beneficial than its namesake ever was.

Bush: Me Like Book, Me Write Book

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 17 Jun 2008 15:50:00 GMT

See, no one is going to give this incompetent ass, a born follower, a high-powered position in the private sector when he's finally, finally out of office. Okay, maybe Halliburton will hook him up. In any case, he hemorrhages money like I'm hemorrhaging brain cells after a night of birthday drinking. George Bush knows he'll have to make a quick killing when he leaves the White House, or else he's going to end up a dopey old pauper like Harry Truman, who was so poor Congress made a law saying ex-Presidents were not allowed to be poor again.

"I seriously don't watch TV. You know, I watch sports, but I'd much rather read books. And I do. I read a lot," he said according to a transcript released by the White House.

Name one, dumbo, and "My Pet Goat" and the funny pages don't count. Curiously, George continues to press on with this fool's errand-- the writing of his memoirs, that is. You think it might sound something like a book (ghost)written by Rudy Guiliani? (Imagine Jon Stewart doing George Bush doing the audio book when you read the below...)

It was 9/11. September. September the 11th. It was a cold, cold day in New York. And DC. I had been on vacation, but don't tell anyone that. I was in a school. In Florida, showing off my communications skills. To all the kids. I wasn't worried. I knew everyone in my Administration. Was going after Osama Bin Laden. We were gonna catch him. And then the first ~~bombs~~ planes hit the Twelve Towers. And then I leaped in front of the one trying to blow up the White House, and I took it down with my bare hands. Amen.

In other words, it will be filled with choppy sentences, unfinished thoughts, grammatical and spelling mistakes, and incredible lies. But, of course, the media will champion it as some sort of "redemption" and call it a "heartwarming narrative." Whimps.

Via Yahoo!/Reuters.

Caption This: George Bush Chest Bump

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 20:00:00 GMT

George Bush gave a cadet a chest bump at a Colorado Air Force graduation ceremony last week. Hopefully, none of the AWOL President's ethics and commitment to this country will rub off...

Via Strollerderby and Profiles Blog.

Bush Obsessed With Waving His Magic Wand

Katie Halper — Fri, 02 May 2008 20:15:00 GMT

President Bush is displaying classic signs of ~~penis envy~~ magic wand envy. When asked about the rising price of gasoline at a press conference on Thursday, the President referred to his magic wand three times, saying "if there was a magic wand to wave, I’d be waving it, of course.... I think that if there was a magic wand, and say, okay, drop price, I’d do that. … But there is no magic wand to wave right now." Video after the jump.

Bush's obsession with waving his own wand is deep rooted and his belief that his magic wand would make him more potent can be traced back to 2005 when he exclaimed "I wish I could simply wave a magic wand and lower gas prices tomorrow; I’d do that." A year later, Bush said, "I wish I could just wave a magic wand and lower the price at the pump; I’d do that.” Conversely, when Bush's wand is present and displayed in a codpiece, as is the case when Bush wears his Mission Accomplished costume (shown above), the President displays confidence and comfort.

Anecdotal evidence suggests that Bush's magic wand envy may be endemic to the Bush Administration. Energy Secretary Samuel Bodman, for example, acknowledged the President's magic wand envy: "let me assure you that if the President had a magic wand that could lower prices, he would do it!” And Bodman seems to have caught his own case of wand envy: "I wish there was a magic wand that I could wave that would lower gas prices. But I can’t."

While You Were Sleeping: Somebody Had Her Hands All Over Our Man Ryan Gosling

Emily Farris — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 14:37:00 GMT

We finally listened to a track from Scarlett Johansson's Tom Waits cover album. It's actually not the worst thing we've ever heard, but we think with all that fancy production, we could do it, too. (Why are we so reluctant to think she's a good singer?) [Spinner]

Another Lohan is about to be unleashed on the world. [People]

President Bush has turned to Deal or No Deal for help with the federal budget. [Us Weekly]

Hey ladies, Kayne West is single again. [Us Weekly]

Is one of the Sex and the City characters going to kick the bucket in the upcoming movie? [Star]

Oh no she didn't! It is so going down, Kirsten Dunst. You and Ryan Gosling? Okay, we actually think you'd make a really cute couple if we didn't want him all to ourselves. [Gabby Babble]

MSNBC: Bush Signed Torture Memo

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 17:00:00 GMT

The evidence, which in an ideal world would end his Presidency, after the jump...

The short version? The White House has long denied Bush knew anything about the military's/CIA's policy of deliberately torturing and abusing inmates. Although that signature does not appear to say "George Bush," sources say it is his handwriting and that this is no fake.

UPDATE: Did anyone see Andrew Sullivan on TV last weekend? Well, he basically said that Bush administration officials should remain in the country, since war crimes charges are possible. And he's a gay Republican-- imagine what the Democrats will say on the Sunday shows.

George Bush Hit on A Gay Guy

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 30 Jan 2008 15:52:00 GMT

Apparently, there was only one thing worth paying attention to during Monday night's State of the Union speech, and not only did everyone outside the building miss it, but we're just hearing about it now.

According to the Boston Globe, when Herr Bush entered the lobby of the House of Representatives, openly gay Massachusetts Congressman Barney Frank was on the phone with his boyfriend. "Oh," said the unelected President, caressing the Congressman's shoulder, "Tell him I say hello."

Of course, Bush couldn't have known it was Frank's boyfriend... or did he? (Don't believe it? Then how did he know it was a guy? Hmm? Hmm?) Barney, never to let a good news story die, approached Bush following the droning 50-minute speech. You decide:

Frank sought out the president, who put his hand on the back of the congressman's head to hear him more clearly in the noisy, crowded room.

"Mr. President, by the way, the person I was talking to when you said to say hello was my boyfriend,'' Frank said he told the commander-in-chief.

"Well. I hope you said how open-minded I am,'' Frank said the president replied.
"I considered telling [the president] I wouldn't marry him,'' Frank said, "but then I thought, 'Nah.' ''

Don't Miss: The State of the Union Drinking Game!

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 28 Jan 2008 20:46:00 GMT

I love the crudely funny irony of a drinking game "celebrating" an assholic alcoholic. That's why the only way you can subject yourself to tonight's State of the Union and still survive to vote again, you need The State of the Union Drinking Game.

Among the highlights: if Bush references his plan for the Middle East (ha ha), you must "take a shot of whatever you were drinking during: the Road Map, Taba, Camp David, Wye River, [and] Oslo Accords." Every time the camera shows new Obama supporter Ted Kennedy, "drink until your liver cries." (Those of you who know me will remember I've gotten Ted Kennedy drunk... and my liver was crying just watching it.)

Bush goes on at 9, but don't miss the official response from the sexiest senior citizen in Kansas, who goes on immediately after. For her, you'll need to drink a shot "if she clicks her heels or says "There's no place like home" mid-response."

[Photo: AP]

Source: Bush Lied 47,519,848,857 Times About Iraq

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 23 Jan 2008 18:47:00 GMT

The Associated Press is reporting today on two studies by independent organizations that point to a multitude of lies spread by George W. Bush and his cohorts.

"In short, the Bush administration led the nation to war on the basis of erroneous information that it methodically propagated and that culminated in military action against Iraq," concludes the Fund for Independence in Journalism.

A better conclusion would be: really? Bush lied about Iraq? Hey, so I've got this great property in the Glengarry Highlands in Florida...

According to the study, Bush made at least 259 of the 935 documented false statements from Administration officials (and as President of the United States, these cannot be dismissed as "errors," these are called "war crimes.") In second place, Colin Powell, former Secretary of State and perennial do-gooder who later admitted he didn't believe half of what he was saying.

Is this going to change anyone's mind about the war, which is apparently going so much better now that there are only 14 survivors left in Iraq?

[Photo: Lawrence Jackson, Associated Press]