Scanner : President

French President Names Woman To Cabinet Because She's Hot

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 13:45:00 GMT

French President Nicholas Sarkozy is about to lose his justice minister, the controversial Rachida Dati, who will leave a giant hole in the daily tabloids when she departs in June. (Dati, as you may recall, became a single mother at 42 and then caused an uproar when she attended a cabinet meeting five days later.)

Sarkozy realized France loves its female politicians, particularly much-discussed, attractive ones. So, his next Cabinet minister is going to be Christine Kelly, a woman "known for appearing in her bikini and appearing on TV..."

According to the Telegraph, Kelly was chosen because:

"Mr Sarkozy is hugely impressed that she is not only attractive, but in touch with the modern world,' said a source in the governing UMP party. Ed. Note: Notice he mentioned her looks first...

Yep, those are pretty much the extent of her qualifications, at least according to that story. Sarkozy is well on his way to becoming the next Silvio Berlusconi.

More about Kelly here, if the translation works.

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Famous Last Words

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 17:20:00 GMT

Why is it that celebrities are able to muster more creative energy than they've had in years to consistently utter their unforgettable last words?

Take, for example, the curious case of Dylan Thomas, poet, raconteur, and mainly raconteur who drank himself to death via shots of whiskey at New York City's White Horse Tavern before staggering back to the Chelsea Hotel, more than a dozen blocks later, and collapsing in its now-famous lobby. His immortal last words?

"Eighteen whiskeys... that must be some sort of a record."

Of course, the reason that all these famous last words are so, well, famous is that they are exaggerated and that the circumstances surrounding them are mostly unsubstantiated myths.

Here's what really happened to Dylan Thomas... according to Wikipedia, of course:

Thomas.. said that we was feeling awful and asked to take a "rain-check". He did however accompany Liz to the White Horse for a few beers. Feeling sick he again returned to the hotel.

[Dr.] Feltenstein came to see him three times that day, on the third call prescribing morphine. This seriously affected Dylan's breathing. At midnight on November 4/5, his breathing became more difficult and his face turned blue.

By 1:58 am Thomas had been admitted to the emergency ward at nearby St Vincent’s, by which time he was profoundly comatose. The doctors on duty found bronchitis in all parts of his bronchial tree, both left and right sides. An X-ray showed pneumonia... and Thomas died on November 9.

Here's where the myths started:

During an incident on 3 November 1953, Thomas returned to the Chelsea Hotel in New York, from the White Horse Tavern and exclaimed, "I've had eighteen straight whiskies, I think that is a record." However, the barman and the owner of the pub who served Thomas at the time, later told Ruthven Todd, that Thomas couldn't have imbibed more than half that amount, after Todd decided to find out.

Despite shattering that myth, here's a set of famous last words that have stood the test of time. If we're half this witty when the time comes, we must've done something right in life:

Friends applaud, the comedy is finished.
-Beethoven, died in 1827

I should never have switched from Scotch to Martinis.
-Bogart, 1957

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
-Pancho Villa, 1923
I know you have come to kill me. Shoot, coward. You are only going to kill a man.
-Ernesto "Che" Guevara, 1967
How were the receipts today at Madison Square Garden?
-P.T. Barnum, 1891
Codeine . . . bourbon.
-Tallulah Bankhead, 1968
Either that wallpaper goes, or I do.
-Oscar Wilde, 1900

But our favorite famous last words are those of former US President John Adams, who died on July 4, 1826. His bitter rivalry with Thomas Jefferson (the POTUS #3 to his POTUS #2) continued to his dying day, upon which Adams muttered, "And Thomas Jefferson still survives." As it turns out, Jefferson had actually died earlier that day, but Adams did not learn this before passing on.

Jefferson's last words? "Is it the Fourth?"

Related:

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Who Would You Rather: Founding Fathers Edition

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The Very Best Thing About This Inauguration...

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 20 Jan 2009 15:18:00 GMT

When the inaugural ceremonies kicked off on Sunday, HBO was there to document the whole thing, live. We saw Bruce and Pete Seeger, Beyonce and Bono, a bunch of Hollywood celebrities and even Joe Biden's million-dollar smile.

We saw everything, that is, except the one thing we really, really wanted to see...

This speech by the Right Reverend Gene V. Robinson. The Right Rev. of New Hampshire, according to his Wikipedia page, "is best-known for being the first openly gay, non-celibate priest to be ordained a bishop in a major Christian denomination believing in the historic episcopate." He is a member of the Episcopal Church of the United States and Obama's choosing him to lead Sunday's opening invocation was overshadowed by his pick of Rick Warren, the anti-gay crusader, to kick off the inauguration itself.

Here is the speech that HBO cut off, for reasons that are still unclear. It's really worth an entire post by itself.

Welcome to Washington! The fun is about to begin, but first, please
join me in pausing for a moment, to ask God's blessing upon our nation
and our next president.

O God of our many understandings, we pray that you will…

Bless us with tears – for a world in which over a billion people exist
on less than a dollar a day, where young women from many lands are
beaten and raped for wanting an education, and thousands die daily
from malnutrition, malaria, and AIDS.

Bless us with anger – at discrimination, at home and abroad, against
refugees and immigrants, women, people of color, gay, lesbian,
bisexual and transgender people.

Bless us with discomfort – at the easy, simplistic "answers" we've
preferred to hear from our politicians, instead of the truth, about
ourselves and the world, which we need to face if we are going to rise
to the challenges of the future.

Bless us with patience – and the knowledge that none of what ails us
will be "fixed" anytime soon, and the understanding that our new
president is a human being, not a messiah.

Bless us with humility – open to understanding that our own needs must
always be balanced with those of the world.

Bless us with freedom from mere tolerance – replacing it with a
genuine respect and warm embrace of our differences, and an
understanding that in our diversity, we are stronger.

Bless us with compassion and generosity – remembering that every
religion's God judges us by the way we care for the most vulnerable in
the human community, whether across town or across the world.

And God, we give you thanks for your child Barack, as he assumes the
office of President of the United States.

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Who Wants Spam Sushi? Barack Obama Does...

Scanner Matt — Mon, 22 Dec 2008 19:00:00 GMT

Is this a local delicacy or a bad habit?

According to a New York Times pool report covering Obama's recent vacation in Hawaii, the president-elect likes the stuff.

As for Mr. Obama and his group, a snack bar clerk later confirmed that he purchased two hot dogs, two spam musubi, two passion orange sodas, one Powerade and one coke, for a tab of $17.75. The spam musubi, a local luncheon specialty, consists of spam and a fried egg on a bed of rice, all held together with a dried seaweed wrap.

Hungry? Here's how you make it:

Related:

Is this guy the Barack Obama of the GOP? Um, no.

Drug Charges

**Bush: "People Voted For Barack Obama Because of Me" No sh*t!**

[image]

Is this guy the Barack Obama of the GOP? Um, no.

Scanner Matt — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 22:23:00 GMT

With the Republican Party in crisis many are looking for a new leader to win them back the throne in 2012 (does anyone really believe it will be Sarah Palin?). Thirty-six-year-old Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal (short listed as a McCain VP nominee before the barracuda graced our lives) just might be the guy. He's surrounded by presidential buzz and—let's be honest—it wouldn't hurt the GOP if their conventions looked a little less like white supremacist rallies.

Piyush “Bobby” Jindal picked up his Anglo nickname from The Brady Bunch. Yes, that Bobby, seriously, which he commonly uses as his first name. He at first appears to be a very intelligent individual; he was a Rhodes Scholar at Oxford.

But here’s the thing. He’s crazy.

Jindal supports teaching intelligent design in public schools.

He voted to make the Patriot Act permanent.

He’s a hardcore-let’s-flip-Roe-v.-Wade pro-lifer.

He’s against stem cell research.

Not only does he staunchly support “traditional marriage,” he opposes civil unions.

He supported a constitutional amendment to ban flag burning.

He’s against universal health care.

Watch out for this guy in 2012. He's sure to make an appearance.

Related:

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The Election Is Over... And Now The Truth Comes Out

Photo/Wikipedia

Who Will Be Time's Person of the Year?

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 15:29:00 GMT

As the magazine industry fades into complete irrelevance, Time will try to carry on their century-old tradition of giving dictators and mongrels some free publicity, thanks to their Person of the Year competition.

The internet, for possibly the first time ever, actually cares who wins this contest: mainly because as of eight o'clock this morning, Eastern Time, Sarah Palin and Barack Obama were neck and neck...

Since then, the word got out on the pro-Obama sites. One headline went: "Are we really going to let Sarah Palin win Time's Person of the Year?" Apparently, it motivated the hell out of people-- here are the totals as of 10:10am:

With a reversal like that, Palin's chances can't be good for 2012. With the public that fearful of a Sarah Presidency, she could end up throwing a Republican primary to the consensus candidate-- Mitt Romney? Alan Keyes? Okay, we're kidding about Alan Keyes, maybe.

See the rankings and vote at Time.com.

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The Onion Called It Seven Years Ago...

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 19:56:00 GMT

First, they predicted the emergence of Joe the Plumber in a story published in the nineties. Then, they perfectly encapsulated the Bush Administration... just days into W's first term.

The story went on to "quote" Bush on his administration's support for nation building, something Bush the Candidate had said he was against.

During the 40-minute speech, Bush also promised to bring an end to the severe war drought that plagued the nation under Clinton, assuring citizens that the U.S. will engage in at least one Gulf War-level armed conflict in the next four years.

In a high-profile story today that was picked up by CNN, MSNBC, and various other outlets, Joe Garden, an Onion editor and our pick to replace Conan O'Brien when Conan takes over the Tonight Show, had this to say:

Writers at the satirical paper still speak reverentially of the story, in which Bush promises to take the country into a deep recession, worsen the environment and "end the severe war drought that plagued the nation under Clinton."
"Wow, was that prescient," marvels Joe Garden, the Onion's features editor.
"We get asked a lot if we secretly want Republicans to win since there's so much more material," [assistant editor Megan Ganz] says. "The thing is, we always say, we have to live in the country, too. And also, when stuff is really going bad, it's harder to make jokes." [CNN]

Check out the original story here.

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Playboy's Presidential Sex Quiz A Welcome Distraction From Boring Obama Stories

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 18:40:00 GMT

The first U.S. president known to have been caught cheating on his wife was James Garfield. After finding out about the smutty letters he had written to an 18 year-old New York woman named Calhoun, his wife accused him of:

A. “abusing the executive privilege”
B. “sloppy penmanship, atrocious grammar and poor syntax”
C. “lawless passion”
D. “getting jiggy with that tenement trash”

And so it begins, Playboy's excellent time-waster on sex and the Presidents of the United States... find out the answer to this and several other quiz questions, after the jump...

TMI, Gennifer, TMI! Oh wait, this is William J. Clinton we're talking about here... do continue...

“I’ve had more women by accident than he’s had on purpose.”

A. George W. Bush about his dad
B. George H.W. Bush about his son
C. Lyndon Johnson about JFK
D. Franklin D. Roosevelt about Hitler

“Are you prepared for the storm of lovemaking with which you will be assailed?”

A. Martin Van Buren to a stranger in the next toilet stall
B. John F. Kennedy to Marilyn Monroe
C. Woodrow Wilson to Ellen Wilson
D. George Washington to Martha Washington

Check out the rest here... and let us know how you did... and by the way, if you didn't know the identity of the President rumored to have a four-year gay relationship (Abraham Lincoln), we don't even know what to say...

Let's Take A Look-See At The Ol' Electoral Map...

While You Were Sleeping: Posing Nude For Fun Or Charity

Hey Rev. Jeremiah Wright: Your Sex Scandal Is Not Helping

Swedish Hockey Fans Bombard Player With Dildo Parade

The John Edwards Affair And Love Child Scandal: The Sequel

Let's Take A Look-See At The Ol' Electoral Map...

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 13:45:00 GMT

While it's still possible that the McCain-Obama race could end in an electoral college tie, it's much more likely that the race will go solidly for one ticket or the other. However, as Andy Sullivan puts it at Reuters:

If McCain wins Virginia, New Hampshire, Florida and Ohio but loses Pennsylvania, Colorado, New Mexico and Iowa to Obama, both candidates could end up with 269 electoral votes.

When put that way, it seems much more realistic that the election won't be decided by voters. (He's winning in Florida, Virginia, and Ohio in most polls, and New Hampshire is very close, and he'll likely lose all four of those states the scenario requires him to lose.) But before you get all freaked out about Dick Cheney or Nancy Pelosi becoming President-By-Default or something, here's what it really looks like is gonna happen... if the election were today...

From Politico:

On "Fox News Sunday," President Bush's former top political adviser, Karl Rove, said he now projects Obama would win 273 electoral votes–enough to take the White House—and has a chance at 102 more. Just two weeks ago, Rove had the two campaigns virtually tied. [Politico]

From Electoral Vote:

Obama 329 McCain 194 Ties 15 [obviously, this is bad for McCain, but in almost all swing states, the race could presumably swing McCain's way over the next 28 days]

Even worse for McCain is this somewhat curious site 270towin, which says that Obama only needs to pick up 10 more electoral votes to be unbeatable, while McCain-Palin need:

107 [and consider the following states "must win"] FL,OH,NC,VA,IN,MO,CO

To further confuse you, here's what many consider the definitive polling map these days, via Real Clear Politics:

Obama/Biden 264
192 Solid 72 Leaning
McCain/Palin 163
158 Solid 5 Leaning
Toss Up 111

Obviously, we're not going to give McCain all 111 of those votes just for the sake of argument... since nothing short of a gay sex scandal can send them careening the Republican's way that fast...

Looks like it's time for McCain to unleash the hounds... or something brilliant and similar soon... as in, yesterday.

Any ideas for what McCain should do now?

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BREAKING: John McCain Suspends His Campaign

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 24 Sep 2008 20:16:00 GMT

Without warning, Senator John McCain, the Presidential nominee for the Republican Party, told the media he is suspending his campaign because of the country's major financial crisis...

At this point, it's unclear exactly what this entails. His campaign has yet to clarify whether or not this means he will make no public appearances, take no questions from the media, and run no TV ads. However, as of now, a few things have been made clear:

a) McCain wants to call off Friday's debate. (Why? Is he going to be working into the wee hours on legislation? Even so, the country won't buy it.)

b) This is not the first sign of trouble in the campaign this week. A story yesterday reported that reporters are calling McCain's bus "the No Talk Express" because of a sudden press silence. Palin, as well, has been avoiding reporters, even camera crews, on her various trips around the country and overseas. What is McCain up to?

c) Obama has just been handed either a) his own kryptonite or b) a huge bomb to drop on the McCain campaign. If he plays his cards right, the Democrat could paint McCain as a chicken, especially if he spreads the rumor that McCain's debate prep was so terrible he's actually just covering his own ass. If Obama drops the ball on this, however, McCain could easily paint Obama as more concerned with his silly little campaign than the very fate of our nation.

d) Ben Smith at Politico calls this latest move "a mark, most of all, that he doesn't like the way this campaign is going... [as t]he only thing that's changed in the last 48 hours is the public polling."

Obama is expected to make a statement soon, although all signs point to the possibility of his going after McCain and saying the debate is most definitely on... see MSNBC for more.

UPDATE: Obama says he's "inclined" to carry on with the debate. Also, the pundits are noting that McCain is asking for a "political free zone" until bailout legislation is signed, although, of course, it's in McCain's interest to stall the campaign while the latest momentum is clearly with Obama, especially when you consider the latest polls on which candidate is best ready to handle the economy.

While You Were Sleeping: Don't Drink The Drinking Water, People

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 12 Sep 2008 13:26:00 GMT

Poor Anne Hathaway, and we don't mean that in a mocking way: she had to hand over all the lovely jewels her ex gave her... because they were allegedly purchased with stolen funds. (We hate it when that happens.) Meanwhile, the suave gangster paramour of hers faces at least five years in prison and is still in jail, pending a million dollars' bond, and rumored to be working on a plea deal.

If you're a poll kind of person (we're kind of not), here are 19 new ones on the Presidential race. Quickly: McCain leads in Alabama, Georgia, Idaho, and Wyoming; Obama leads in Colorado, Michigan, and Pennsylvania; and they're tied in Nevada, North Carolina, and Ohio.

And who will be the surprise special guest during Michael Phelps' hosting of SNL this weekend?

According to People, Sen. Barack Obama will appear on Saturday Night Live this weekend. Olympic gold medalist Michael Phelps will be guest hosting the show.

Said an Obama spokesman: "The details of the sketch are still being worked out."

We hope it's funnier than the last one, which was super obvious and involved Halloween masks and his "surprise" appearance. Lame.

We're absolutely amazed that someone gave Mariah Carey another movie. Not that we don't like her or anything-- we're just stating the truth.

We still can't get over this story from yesterday's Sloppy Seconds (click here): Lauren Conrad has landed a book deal. Oh my God, what's next, a clothing line?!

And the scariest headline of the morning: Trace drugs found in water could affect 46 million

Headline that sounds scary but thankfully isn't: 9-Year-Old Girl Delivers Baby Brother

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College President Who Stopped Student From Drinking From Broken Keg Resigns

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 20:32:00 GMT

You know we're kidding when we used the words "stopped" and "broken" in that headline, right?

College President (not the student-elected kind) Robert Paxton was at a July 4th lake party when he was caught in the above photo helping a lovely young lass with her beverage:

"If you want to know the truth, the thing was broken," he said. "I never opened the tap on any keg."

Asked what he was doing with the keg suspended over the woman's open mouth, Paxton said: "Nothing. The thing didn't work. I was laughing at them. You know, if I was doing anything, I was grabbing it and trying to put it back down."

Uhhh... right. So that explains the fact that you are working the tap itself... how?

Wisely, Paxton decided not to fight the charges raised by his own Iowa Central Community College board and simply walked off the job, collecting hundreds of thousands of dollars on his way out. Amazingly, though, the story of how Paxton got a bunch of his underage son's friends drunk doesn't end there:

Paxton also denied that his 19-year-old son was drinking that day, yet police records show the young Paxton was picked up for a DUI charge later that evening. [DeadSpin]

Wow. This guy is the worst liar ever. Good riddance... after all, underage kids don't need you to help with their beer, creepy old dude.

Missouri Republican Resigns To Spend More Time With Family, Soon Gets Arrested For Sexually Assaulting 14-Year-Old

Are We Wrong To Post These Pics Of Shawn Johnson In A Bikini?

Rumor: Obama About To Announce VP Choice

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 17:12:00 GMT

We are hearing stories that the state of Virginia held an emergency meeting because the whole state is about to be thrown into chaos following Obama's VP announcement...

A source inside the beltway informed me that high ranking officials throughout Virginia were recently summoned to the governor’s office for an emergency meeting which reportedly involved discussions on the line of succession if and when Kaine steps down to become Obama’s running mate.

The officials were mandated to leave an out-of-state conference and return to the state capitol in Richmond immediately.

Due to the confidential nature of the meeting, details are scarce but the source said that either Obama will choose Kaine, or Kaine was given the impression that he would be chosen.

Kaine, of course, says he couldn't believe he'd even be considered, "for a variety of reasons." Could the variety include the fact that Kaine dropped the ball when he gave the Democratic response to the 2006 State of the Union, which is the #1 Classic Example of Democrats being pitched an easy home run and bunting it down the third base line. The man is a Democrat in name only, brings nothing to the table except maybe a few thousands votes in Virginia (at best), and is next in line. He also long supported the Iraq War-- longer even than Hillary Clinton, who would somehow be a better choice.

Anyway, you can read more about the Kaine nod here or about his past here.

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If The Election Were Today... Round Two

Big Announcement: A New Presidential Candidate

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 12 Jun 2008 15:33:00 GMT

We wanted to make sure you were the first to know. Full story here.

All kidding aside, the real story is that the first cracks in the "Democratic year" story the media has been trumpeting finally appeared yesterday.

The Co-Chairs of University of Iowa Students for Hillary have just sent out a Facebook message imploring the group's members to vote for John McCain -- or, if that's too hard to stomach, presumptive Green Party nominee Cynthia McKinney.
"John McCain is an honorable man," the letter states. "He is good personal friends with Hillary Clinton. He is qualified to be president. We do not agree with him on everything, and this is why we urge you to strongly support Democrats up for re-election to congress."

We understand you're bitter, but don't go imitating these ill-informed fools. Being "qualified" for the job is utterly irrelevant to the task of being President-- most great Presidents would be canceled out by this stringent rule, while Dickhead Cheney would blow them all outta the water. "We do not agree with him on everything"-- no, morons, you don't agree with him on anything. That's why you support Hillary Clinton-- she's everything John McCain is not.

Meanwhile, two Democratic Congressman have refused to endorse Obama, one saying that Obama is "the most liberal Senator." Obviously, Ted Kennedy, Chuck Schumer, Barbara Boxer, and many other Senators died last night.

Please let these be the first and last signs of fracture... Barack Obama is a better candidate, a better campaigner, and although maybe not all that we want him to be, he is light years beyond the Neanderthal that is John McCain, who seems stuck with President Bush in Medieval Times.

Via Politico.

Perverted Massachusetts Democrat Must Worship JFK

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 09 Jun 2008 14:35:00 GMT

Marilyn Monroe serenading President Kennedy with a birthday song.

A rogue Massachusetts representative is refusing, despite repeated controversy, to resign his seat and has gone on a wild tear through the mean streets of Brookline. The men with the butterfly nets finally caught State Sen. Jim Marzilli this weekend, and sent him to McLean Hospital, where kooks like Sylvia Plath, James Taylor (who it was rumored wrote "Fire And Rain" here), and "A Beautiful Mind's" John Nash all stayed. His checkered past follows him nevertheless and even Teddy Kennedy is said to have cringed at these allegations...

Marzilli was arrested this week in Lowell on charges that include assault and lewd and lascivious conduct. Police said that in once incident the senator grabbed a woman by the crotch and then fled, with police following him on foot through the city.

Police said that at least five women have come forward with complaints, including one who said he followed her making obscene comments. Marzilli was released on $1,500 bail.

$1,500?! That's all? Damn... guess the Democrats still do have a stranglehold among the elitists and homeless people running rampant in the streets. (You know we're kidding, right? Okay, then.)

[The legislator] says he will not run for re-election but will not resign either. [UPI]

With all his money, why doesn't this limousine liberal buy the state constitution and change his job description to say "legislator fo' life"? In any case, we'll fill you in on the details of this emerging scandal...

The Top 10 Moments In the Career of Hillary Clinton

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 20:44:00 GMT

Not that we're saying it's over for her politically or anything. We'd fully encourage her to run for Governor of New York if David Paterson decides not to in two years. How hot would that be? "Governor Clinton-- The Sequel!"

10. Kept her job as a lawyer in spite of sexist criticism of how she and her then-Governor husband ran their family.

9. Played a key role in the end of Richard Nixon's Presidency as "a member of the impeachment inquiry staff, advising the House Committee on the Judiciary during" the Watergate hearings.

8. In 1968, at Wesleyan, Hillary "organized a two-day student strike and worked with Wellesley's black students to recruit more black students and faculty." It was a successful endeavor.

7. "Played a role in advocating for the establishment of the State Children's Health Insurance Program."

6. Not taking Bill Clinton's shit on Monica by letting him suffer after he embarrassed and humiliated her in front of the entire world.

5. Securing, with Rep. Pete King and others, a huge monetary boost for New York City following the 9/11 attacks.

4. Beat an incredibly well-funded New York and national Republican political machine to become the first First Lady ever elected to national or any office. If she never did anything else, before or since, it would still put her on an historical par with her President husband.

3. By all accounts, she won a marathon vodka-drinking contest while on a Congressional tour of Estonia. Her opponent? Senator John McCain.

2. Earning far more votes than any woman running for President ever dreamed of just a few short years ago. Shirley Chisholm is smiling down on her, for sure.

And the greatest moment (so far) in Hillary Clinton's storied career...

1. Her Wellesley's class's commencement speech. The address, which received a seven minute standing ovation and was the first commencement speech in the college's history to be made by a student, was gutsy, eloquent and passionate. It woke the country up, in much the same way Woodstock and the moon landing would again one month later, making the front page of Life on June 20, 1969. Very few people who heard it at the time did not agree the 22-year-old was destined for great things...

UPDATE: Relax, people, they're called typos. And they're what you get when you are writing leaning out a second story window, stealing internet, thanks to Time Warner having decided you don't exist anymore.

Sources: Clinton Will Drop Out This Week

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 16:51:00 GMT

Sources tell the New York Times and a variety of other media outlets that Hillary Clinton is gathering her troops (i.e. the donors, supporters, donors, donors, and donors who made up her stellar operation) for a final speech in New York tonight, sending herself off in head-held high triumph.

The general gist of these stories is that this will be a "farwell speech" to the campaign and that her withdrawal will "come later in the week" to save face and help bolster her 2012 chances or whatever it is she plans on doing next.

“The advisers said Clinton has made a strategic decision to not formally end her campaign, giving her leverage to negotiate with Obama on various matters including a possible vice presidential nomination for her. She also wants to press him on issues he should focus on in the fall, such as health care.” [Wonkette]

Most Clinton advisers recognize that it’s just about time for a unity event with Obama, but they say she’ll take a day or more to choreograph her exit. [Politico]

Obama will claim victory tonight, using top Senators and Representatives, following his expected gain in the delegate count following today's South Dakota and Montana primaries. The question is, when did Hillary decide to drop out and why, after deciding to, did she continue her campaign? Is she after the Vice Presidential nomination or something else?

Via the New York Times.

Hey, George Bush: This Is The Definition of "Appeaser," You Jackass

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 28 May 2008 16:50:00 GMT

George W. Bush is learning the hard way what the definition of "appeaser" is with all the controversey surrounding a new memoir by his former Press Secretary.

Among the many "startling" "revelations" (i.e. confirmation of the worst fears of anyone who has been paying attention for the last seven years):

Scott McClellan charges that Bush relied on “propaganda” to sell the war and that the [braindead] press corps was too easy on the administration during the run-up to the war. [See what we mean by putting "revelations" in mocking quotes?]

He admits that some of his own assertions from the briefing room podium turned out to be "badly misguided." [Ain't that the understatement of the new century.]

Two top aides held a secret West Wing meeting to get their story straight about the CIA leak case at a time when federal prosecutors were after them — and McClellan was continuing to defend them despite mounting evidence they had not given him all the facts.

Somebody call Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald and get this boy on the witness stand! Let's take down the whole administration while there's still time left to further ruin Bush's legacy.

More from Yahoo! News on the book, which is sure to be forgotten within days by the truth-seekers in the press corps.

Video of the Day: Leave John McCain Alone

Emily Farris — Tue, 27 May 2008 16:12:00 GMT

We can rattle off all kinds of reasons we believe John McCain shouldn't be president, but we're kind-of tired of the age discrimination (though we did get a chuckle out of Top 10 Things Younger Than John McCain — nylons, really?).

That said, we wouldn't be the serious investigative reporters you know us to be without reposting this 2000 interview clip that someone else found and posted on YouTube of McCain insinuating that by 2008 he should be shuffling off to the nursing home and not the White House.

Against Your Wil (Wheaton)

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 09 May 2008 21:00:00 GMT

Did you guys know that Wil Wheaton has a groovy and unsurprisingly well-written blog? (Full disclosure: Stand By Me is the greatest movie ever made.) Many people of all sorts of unknown backgrounds are aware of and have read this excellent blog. However, Wil Wheaton has made a grand faux pas that his readers may never forgive: reiterating some nasty rumors about Hillary Clinton.

From the WWdN blog (What Would Will Wheaton do? No, that's not right):

At times like these, when it would be easy to despair, I find comfort in humor, like this post I saw on Reddit this morning: Hillary Clinton: The Psycho Ex-Girlfriend of the Democratic Party.

Mr. Wheaton found this salacious gossip funny?! We frankly did not. No, we were too disturbed by the possibility that we might actually agree with this name-calling to laugh. Perhaps we might actually read this nastiness to find out what was so horrifying that Wil Wheatonites had to write him politely-worded hate mail?

It's 2:31 AM. The Democratic Party is sleeping peacefully when it hears its phone buzz on the night stand. It rolls over and sees "Hillary" on the caller ID. It pauses briefly, considering pushing "END" and not dealing with this shit tonight. The thought is appealing but the Democratic Party knows that if it doesn't take this call, another one is only minutes away.

DEMS: ...Hello?

Hillary: Hey baby.

DEMS: C'mon Hillary. Enough with this.

Hillary: Don't you get it? You NEED me.

DEMS: No, I don't. It was fun while it lasted but I'm with Barack now. I made my choice, it's done.

Hillary: You can't really mean that. How can you say that after all the good times we had?

DEMS: To be honest, I started hanging out with you because Bill's pretty awesome.

Hillary: But I'm just like Bill!

DEMS: No, you're not. Bill is charismatic, inspiring, and gets me really good weed.

Hillary: Fuck you. You're elitist!

DEMS: I'm going back to sleep.

Talk about a low blow... after all, this woman is going to President, as of January 2013, so we better be nice to her now... okay?

As for Wil, he appears to have triumphed and moved on to posting about Seattle Comic Cons, so we're not too worried about him... in fact, this post's orginal and completely tasteless title was to be "Triumph of the Wil." Too much?

Via Wil Wheaton's blog, WWdN: In Exile.

Photo courtesy of Austin's Alamo Drafthouse.

Obama Girl's New Crush

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 08 May 2008 16:37:00 GMT

We usually hate on Amber Lee Ettinger for using Barack Obama to get herself famous while not bothering to actually vote in the Democratic Primary.

Now we'll hate on her for making more videos that are not quite interesting but also not quite embarrassing enough to make fun of...

WARNING: This video contains the most uncomfortable use of the phrase "laying pipe" that you're ever likely to hear (and see):

Crazy Stalker Attacks Obama

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 02 Apr 2008 20:10:00 GMT

A disturbed man who claims he only wanted a picture with Barack Obama stalked the Senator throughout a day of campaigning in Philadelphia today. The man was eventually prevented from reaching the Democratic Presidential candidate by the Secret Service after the stalker confronted Obama three consecutive times.

Why the Secret Service didn't body slam this man on his second attempt to reach the very patient object of his desire is beyond our comprehension. Is it illegal to fuck up idiots who'd waste the free time of the future leader of the free world? And if it is illegal, I doubt anyone would bust them for sucker-punching this punk.

Here is the full, unedited video, which we cannot embed yet for some reason: ABC News. If you can't watch videos or can't understand what this shrill assmunch is going on about so passionately, read the full story here.

We braced ourselves throughout the entire video for a gun to come out and for a very, very horrible moment in history to occur. Why no one else sought fit to raise an alarm until many minutes in is unfathomable.

Crazy White Supremacists-- Gasp!-- Hate Obama

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 11 Mar 2008 16:30:00 GMT

No one, thankfully, but your offensive and indictment-worthy insult to the First Amendment is not helping.

Barack Obama, excellently code-named "Renegade" by the Secret Service, has received protection for more than ten months, according to Bloomberg, while his wife, Michelle, brilliantly code-named "Renaissance," has gotten the same coverage since the beginning of the year. We wonder if this has anything to do with bad omens like the horrible above shirt or all the white supremacist garbage online:

"Our world will become unbearable with him as President," wrote a typical poster on a white power Web site [according to Oliver Willis.] "Maybe there will be someone who would take [a] chance and do a Lincoln on him? Is that our only hope?"

This kind of hatred has got the electorate all stirred up, and we're not just talking about Doris Lessing. Oliver Willis reader James Clay Jensen responds to the KKK:

CALL ME YOU PIECE OF SHIT AND TELL ME WHEN AND WHERE. BUNCH OF FUCKIN PUSSIES.
435 752-0839

That guy's actually got the right idea. Let's tell those pieces of shit when and where: Send e-mails to the owners of Apollo Braun, sellers of the above-pictured violence-hungry sweatshirt.

[Image via racked.com]

And the Winner Is...

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 13:30:00 GMT

The votes are in and, despite what you may have read (including here on Scanner), Tuesday's Superness was not finished entirely until late last night, when the last of the returns from the Texas caucuses rolled in. The final winner may not be who you previously heard...

From an e-mail sent out by the Obama campaign just before midnight on Wednesday night:

Our projections show the most likely outcome of yesterday's elections will be that Hillary Clinton gained 187 delegates, and we gained 183.

That's a net gain of 4 delegates out of more than 370 delegates available from all the states that voted.

All that talk of Clinton victory and a huge surge of momentum... for a gain of four delegates? How does that stick in your craw, Chris Matthews?

Nonetheless, it's all about perception and based on that (perception, by the way, formed by the same media that want the story to go on as long as possible so they have good copy), the clear winner in Tuesday's election would then be the following candidate:

Seriously, though, we said the same thing yesterday about this only helping McCain pull away. And yes, Hillary Clinton clearly has the momentum on the Democratic side and for that she should really be pictured here. But, man... is it our imagination or was Johnny really not at all that un-good looking back in the 1870's?!

We might have to have a hot or not... or worse, a "Who Would You Rather: 1974 John McCain or 2008 Barack Obama?"

Everyone Attacks: Obama and Hillary

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 27 Feb 2008 19:44:00 GMT

The world is on the warpath against female politicians today. There's the Mayor in Oregon who was, um, "stripped" of her office (their words, not ours) after posing on a fire truck in her skivvies.

Last night, Tim Russert foolishly tried to mock Hillary for not knowing the name of Putin's successor-- foolish since nobody else knows it either. Apparently, the Cleveland debate came off as a bad Saturday Night Live sketch-- and that was just how the Clinton campaign saw it.

McCain's opening act kept referring to Barack Obama by his Wonkette name ("Hussein! Hussein! His name is HUSSEIN!") to the point where McCain had to take the stage and put the guy down with a bodyslam. And you thought the general election was going to be pretty?

In another sign the ugliness is still in full effect, a Pennsylvania man stabbed his brother-in-law during an argument over which Democrat they should support. Let's be glad that two states with very few gun owners (Texas, Ohio) are next on the docket. Oh. Right....

The web was abuzz with the rumor that President Clinton (the first one) said, "Vote for me" in a slip-of-the-tongue. That would have given Obama (and other detractors) a lotta ammo against the Family. Thankfully, it turned out to just be this realy confusing blog entry... and not too far from the truth.

Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton's campaign is going negative on Obama, which is helpful to both of them. Negative campaigning is an Election Year strategy staple of Bill's, lifted from the mind of Republican guru Dick Morris, and has always worked for his own Presidential campaigns. Obama, on the other side of the coin, needs to learn how to take the punches and go on the offensive himself, something he is reluctant to do because he made it this far while remaining positive and avoiding almost all wars of words or preemptive attacks. It remains to be seen whether a candidate can win a competitive primary while coasting through an opponent's barrage of negative attacks.

And for the first time in this election cycle, the people are giving in to the electability issue.

What does all this mean? All this infighting in the Democratic Party has let McCain take the national lead in both matchups (eight points over Clinton, four points over Obama.) Lefties should hope that whoever loses the contests on March 4th will drop out and instantly endorse their opponent. After all, if McCain's numbers go up in a week where he is accused on the front page of the New York Times of cheating on his wife, then we're all sinking in a big pile of horseshit...

Speaking of McCain's cheating, it at least got him one bit of good news: a Lindsay Lohan "endorsement."

[Photo: Dana Edelson for NBC -- how is it that Amy Poehler can make anybody look hot?!]

Developing: Will Ferrell For President

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 25 Jan 2008 14:30:00 GMT

In a potentially huge story we are baffled is not getting more traction, Politico.com reported last week that actor/drunky Will Ferrell is going to pick up where Stephen Colbert left off: he's going to run for President of the United States.

Ferrell will:

give a stump speech, take questions from the audience and even show some political commercials that should poke fun at the entire campaigning process.

Okay, yes, we're talking about a one-man show, to be performed on Broadway sometime in the weeks leading up to the November election. This is going to be the political event of the year, in any state, and it sounds like Ferrell is going to even allow audience participation:

Plans are still tentative, McKay says, but early ideas call for audience members — both planted actors and real-life ticket holders — to pose questions. Ferrell, who loves to ad-lib and got his showbiz start as a member of the Los Angeles improv group The Groundlings, is looking forward to having scripted and unscripted parts of the performance.

For more hilarity, check out the full Politico story.

[Photo: Associated Press]

Breaking: Dennis Kucinich Drops Out of Presidential Race

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 24 Jan 2008 21:37:00 GMT

It's not out on the wire yet, but the Cleveland Plain Dealer reported in the last few minutes that Dennis Kucinich said he will withdraw from the Presidential race tomorrow. More on the story here.