Scanner : Pope Benedict

Paraguay Has Its Very Own Bill Clinton-Style Sex Scandal

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 13:53:00 GMT

This post marks the first time we've ever linked to Al Jazeera, at least that I can recall. Not that we're afraid of what Sean Hannity and his McCarthyite followers might say.

Rather, the famed Arabic news service is rarely one to break major sex scandals... until now. And we're glad we didn't miss this one like Fox News already has, because it has three classic scandal plot points...

1) Fernando Lugo, the President of Paraguay, has admitted to fathering a child out of wedlock with Viviana Carrillo, who was not even his girlfriend at the time.

2) The boy is almost two, making the woman 24 and and Lugo 55 at the time of conception.

3) Lugo was technically still a Roman Catholic bishop at the time he knocked up the young woman. He was staying with her at her godmother's house when their sexual relationship began, culminating in the birth of the boy almost a year before he won the Presidency. So, he didn't knock anybody up while in office (that we know of), but don't forget that the Pope had actually turned down his request be relieved of the vows of celibacy-- even after the boy's birth. (Pope Benedict eventually gave in.)

This all only came to light when the woman was forced to file a paternity suit against the Paraguayan President-- he thought he could pull a John Edwards up until the last minute. More via Al Jazeera.

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Put a Hat on It

Colleen Kane — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 19:33:00 GMT

A big pope hat.

After the hubbub over the pope's recent assertion that condom usage would complicate the fight against AIDS in Africa, Pope condoms now exist.

That is all.

Sloppy Seconds: The Pope Spreads a Little AIDS With His Gospel

Pope Makes Insane Gay Metaphor

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Commies, Conflict & Condoms Outside Notre-Dame

Colleen Kane — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 17:15:00 GMT

On Tuesday in Africa, Pope Benedict reiterated the Catholic church's stance against condoms when he claimed they were complicating the fight against AIDS. (??!!) His statements were denounced from all sides in France, including by the Foreign Minister Bernard Kouchner, who called them "the opposite of tolerance and understanding." Cut to Sunday Mass at Paris' Notre-Dame, where 57 percent of Parisians now disapprove of Pope Benedict. Some of those Commie types showed their displeasure. Add in counter-protesters, and injury and arrests ensued.

A "die-in" was staged (video here) in front of Notre-Dame by Act-Up and AIDS awareness protesters. Their signs depicted the pope and called him an assasin, and they threw down condoms on the square as worshippers left Sunday mass. About 20 young counter-protesters held signs reading "leave my Pope alone." The protest resulted in one injury and four arrests.

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Pope Makes Insane Gay Metaphor

Scanner Matt — Mon, 22 Dec 2008 17:00:00 GMT

Pope Benedict, not to be confused with The Evil Emperor from Star Wars, has come up with a rather strange metaphor. We'll set it up for you like that discontinued analogy section of the SATs:

(Remember, the symbol ":" translates to "is to" and the symbol "::" translates to "as".)

Preserving bigoted religious behavior : saving the whales :: "saving humanity from homosexual or transsexual behavior" :

a.) "understanding the unspoken don't ask don't tell rule for priests"
b.) "wearing funny hats not only on your head"
c.) "saving the rainforest from destruction"
d.) "pretending you turned wine into blood then drinking it"

The answer is c.

Okay, our analogy doesn't completely make logical sense, but you get the point.

Reuters reports:

Pope Benedict said on Monday that saving humanity from homosexual or transsexual behavior was just as important as saving the rainforest from destruction.

"(The Church) should also protect man from the destruction of himself. A sort of ecology of man is needed," the pontiff said in a holiday address to the Curia, the Vatican's central administration.

"The tropical forests do deserve our protection. But man, as a creature, does not deserve any less."

The Catholic Church teaches that while homosexuality is not sinful, homosexual acts are.

Remember when church folk were against interracial marriage?

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Surprise! Which Event Will Enhance Australia's Sex Industry?

Nicole Pasulka — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 18:12:00 GMT

According to this article:

A report by Industry analysts IBISWorld predicted the 2008-09 financial year would see strong growth for brothels, strip clubs and prostitutes, primarily on the back of a marked increase in tourism levels to Sydney as a result of...

Here's a clue, it's not the annual Masturbate-a-thon.

It's the Catholic Church's World Youth Day!

When contacted for comment, "Ramada Khawley, function manager for strip clubs such as Men's Gallery and Pure Platinum, said she was not expecting an upswing in trading."

"We're not making any special preparations for World Youth Day," she said.

"But we'll keep a table reserved for the Pope."

Next To Pope's Whole Hitler Youth Thing, Passover Diss No Big Deal

Katie Halper — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 19:45:00 GMT

Looks like sex abuse victims aren't the only people who have issues with the Pope. Sometimes I, Scanner Katie, don't understand my Semitic brothers and sisters. Apparently some of them were upset that the Pope didn't pencil in any Jew-Pope meet-ups during his trip to the U.S. So Ratzinger added them in and agreed to address some synagogues. Then some Jews got annoyed because his Friday night visit doesn't really jive with their Shabbat schedule. And, as if this wasn't bad enough, tomorrow Passover starts, which makes Pope Jew quality time impossible. What I don't get is why Jews are freaking out over not getting QT with a Pope who was in Hitler Youth.

Yes, the Pope joined the Hitler Youth movement. Now, I'm not a historical revisionist and I don't blame Ratzinger for not joining the German resistance. I can't say that I would have risked my life at age 14 and refused to join Hitler's compulsory youth movement. (I mean, I'm Jewish, so I wouldn't have had to make that difficult choice-- thank God for small favors.) But I was surprised that the Pope's Nazi past wasn't a bigger deal for the Vatican or the Jews, who are getting so upset about the Pope's tour. I guess I thought the Vatican, which doesn't have the most stellar Holocaust record in the first place. would have chosen one of the 17 Papal candidates whose resume didn't include Hitler Youth activities. But in all fairness, as the Pope explains, he never so much as lifted a gun because of his "infected finger," an excuse which makes Clinton's "I didn't inhale" disclaimer seem totally legitimate.

Papal Visit Gets Its First Great Sex Abuse Joke

Bryan Christian — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 17:12:00 GMT

Weirdly, Wonkette didn't actually make it; they just caught it.