Scanner : New York City

On Getting Mistaken for a Prostitute

Colleen Kane — Fri, 01 May 2009 20:33:00 GMT

You know you are not rocking a good fashion look if you get propositioned by a potential john, when you were not out looking for that kind of freelance work.

But in the case of one superstar, it isn't all that surprising. She didn't really even seem to mind as she recounted the tale to David Letterman this week, although at the time, she did threaten to shoot the john when he was too persistent.

And that little lady was...

It was 1968, and Dolly Parton and a friend were staying at a cheap hotel in Times Square, which back then was the old seedy Times Square.

"That's where all the prostitutes run and they ran in pairs for safety and we looked like we might be them. I still had the big hair, looking trashy like I do," she told Letterman.

But her admirer refused to believe she was not a lady of the night.

"We were just country girls and our daddies had given us both a gun when we left home ... I said, 'Look, if you touch me one more time, I'm gonna shoot you,'" she said.

And to add insult to injury, when they got back to their hotel, they'd been locked out because management thought they were turning tricks.

"I didn't come back here for years and years," she said.

Related:

Hey Fellas, You Might Have A Shot With Dolly Parton

Dolly Parton for Vice President!

Girl Crush of the Day: Dolly Parton

Sloppy Seconds: Elisha Cuthbert Survives Harrowing Hit-And-Run

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 22:36:00 GMT

In Iraq, they have shoe-throwers. In America, egg-tossers.

Jenna Haze was named the porn performer of the year. [NSFW]

Heidi Klum is pregnant with that ba(l)d singer's fourth child.

Elisha Cuthbert survived a hit-and-run driver, thanks to her training for 24. A crazy New York driver (sorry for the double negative) nearly ran her down one recent evening, but she survived by jumping onto the hood. Actually, her story is kind of confusing, mainly because no one seems to know where these out-of-context quotes came from.

The Pay It Forward movement has taken over a couple of Alabama coffee shops.

Maybe it is possible to die of a broken heart: a couple married for over 67 years end up dying just a few hours apart.

Here's proof the right-wingers are completely insane. (We don't have anybody this nutty on our side.)

And Bruno edited itself down to an R-rating. Yay for Unrated DVDs!

Sloppy Seconds: Angelina Jolie Pregnant Again

Smile, or You'll Get Divorced

Sloppy Seconds: Hand Jobs Involving the Mouth

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 22:08:00 GMT

The teabagging hilarity continues: this roundup of great tea puns is well worth checking out.

While we're at it, here's another made-up Fox News "scandal."

An obviously crazy man bit off his own penis in our old neighborhood of Ft. Greene, Brooklyn.

Everyone should rent the original UK version of State of Play before the American version comes along tomorrow and bores everyone to death.

Tennessee schools hate on the gays by blocking websites favorable to their cause.

A Baptist preacher, who kind of looks like Luke Wilson, was beaten and tased multiple times by the border patrol for refusing to open his trunk.

Kari Ferrell, the Utah hipster-grifter, is taking New York City by storm with her awful tattoos and creepy promises to give guys hand jobs with her mouth. Wha?

Is this the end of Rolling Stone Magazine?

President Obama released all those pesky interrogation memos from the Bush administration. Of course, nothing will ever come of this.

Brad Garrett yelled at paparazzi about "turbans" and is now accused of making racial slurs.

Related:

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Mile High Club Lovers Take Sex Life to the Fast Lane

CW11 The Only News Outlet To Fall For An April Fool's Prank

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 14:32:00 GMT

Last night, the CW11 in New York City reported that the group Improv Everywhere had staged one of their pranks on an unsuspecting grieving family. That's right, the CW11 actually believed that doing this on April Fool's Day meant these crazy kooks just showed up at somebody's funeral and messed with them.

This clip has to be seen to be believed. Check out more about the stunt here.

Hey, At Least the Sex Industry Is Still Hiring

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 18:54:00 GMT

Laid-off bankers, waiters, bloggers, and other local degenerates are scouring Craig's List in search of Rent Money-- that down and dirty gig that will let them coast through this Great Depression in style.

The only thing they're finding are these ads from the sex industry, which itself is keeping Craig's List's sales department profitable...

Look good in latex? Join an extraordinary profession…

Reply to: job-tms4n-1099293875@craigslist.org
Date: 2009-03-30, 2:29PM EDT

We are seeking attractive, creative, college-aged females to join our team on NYCs most exclusive fetish and BDSM websites as webcam performance artists. This is a great opportunity for people who want to learn more about fetish and BDSM lifestyles. We do our best create a collaborative and educational environment where expressive and creative people can flourish. As a web cam dominatrix you will have potential to earn up to $90 an hour in a safe, clean and inspiring environment. Under some conditions we can offer a base pay to make sure you make money even if you don’t land any web cam sessions. If you think you have what it takes to be an online dominatrix and want to explore your wild side please contact us to set up an interview....

No sex or contact (everything is done online) and nudity not required but you should have an interest in S&M and be comfortable with your body. ...you can work from home or we can provide you space. No experience necessary -- we will handle training. Please reply via email with a brief introduction regarding your interests phone number and a photo....

Yes, we see these all the time-- but they're not usually the majority of the ads on Craig's List. (That would be sneaky posts by the Air National Guard.)

Male female models for Indian boutique - (Midtown West)
NBC/Casting-Looking 4 FUN NY,NJ, families w/kids-FREE TRIP/HUGE PRIZE - (Greater NY,NJ,Conn, Philly Area)
Bikini Babe Wanted to be Next Online Viral Star!! -
ADULT RETAIL STORE - (CONNECTICUT)
Wallpaper Magazine - Editorial/Art Project Seeks Interesting Subjects -
Looking for creative confident women - (Manhattan)
Make $5,000/mo ANONYMOUSLY in adult industry sales - (Midtown)

And that's just New York.

DANCERS / WAITRESSES -
Sell adult ent. on the Net! ---- 8 000/month -
DANCERS WANTED- ADULT ENT INDUSTRY -

Phone Girls Wanted-Adult Ent. -
Freelance Blogger - (Las Vegas)

If you land one of these jobs, we want our 10%-- Vegas Mafia-style. Hey, we need the money as much as the rest of ya's...

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When You Care Enough to Give Your Dog $1,300 Fake Testicles (During a Recession)

While You Were Sleeping: Is Lindsay Lohan's Career Over?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 13:08:00 GMT

The New York Times just figured out that the sexting craze means some teens will go to jail.

This Rob Schneider interview may be the best thing we've read all week. Yeah, we know-- Rob Schneider...

Apple is preparing to raise iTunes download prices to $1.29. We suspect this might have something to do with preparing people for the high price Beatles downloads will be.

An eye for an eye is about to be taken literally in-- you called it-- Iran.

Nice try, IBM-- you want to lay off American workers, outsource to India, and collect stimulus dollars? Hell no.

Four women who dressed as stewardesses and volunteered in the New York City subways to help people get around have been asked to stop by the MTA. As if the MTA is flush for cash and can themselves pay people to provide that service. Morons.

New York finally began the process of fixing the evil/horrible Rockefeller Drug Laws.

Our hero David Byrne has officially ruled out ever playing with the Talking Heads again. Asshole.

Bruce Springsteen saved the famous Glastonbury summer music festival. Angel.

Lindsay Lohan's only unreleased film (at present) is going straight to DVD.

And a schoolteacher showed up drunk to class, blackmailed her students into bumping and grinding with her, then later passed out by a swimming pool.

Teacher In Lesbian Sex Scandal Story Not Helping

Younger Men Say "Do Not Want" To Older Women?

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 17:16:00 GMT

The Boston Globe has a story today about a woman who has been failing to successfully organize speed dating events pairing "older" women and "younger" men. The men, it seems, won't even register in numbers great enough to prevent her service from automatically canceling it.

As our resident expert on dating older women, I can safely say that the myth that Demi-Ashton relationships are on the way out can be easily disproved...

First, let's address this chunk of text:

Sure, Demi Moore broke a mold, and I know a few couples - family members and friends of friends - who represent the highly publicized demographic of older women and younger men, but the dating industry will tell you that for the most part that demographic is a myth. Men still seek younger women, especially as those men get older themselves.
"It's the general rules, what happens when people hook up and go into a relationship," said Mark Brooks, an online dating industry consultant who runs Online Personals Watch. "With men dating women, it tends to be up to six years younger but it will only be up to two years older."
And why is that?
"Guys tend to have unrealistic expectations," said Brooks, who bragged that he is one of the mythical Ashton Kutcher-types (he recently dated someone nine years older than him). "Most men are too busy looking at magazines and not busy enough looking in the mirror."

Wait, guys tend to have unrealistic expectations? From looking at magazines?! Please, both sexes have this problem and it greatly affects everything about our relationships. But we're getting off topic...

While it's true that, the older we get, the more likely we are to seek out younger people to reinvigorate ourselves and blah blah blah. However, I started dating older women by default-- in NYC, my first two dozen dates in my "age range" were demanding, had unrealistic expectations, and/or had nothing interesting to say. (In their defense, I was probably wrong about a good many of them, but I digress.) Meanwhile, although the majority of women in New York are interesting, attractive, and intelligent, the ones I tended to come across had longtime boyfriends, guys who snapped them up in college and have been hanging on for dear life.

(Or maybe we're just into them because we want what we can't have. Maybe.)

After putting in a few years trying to pick up and date women in their 20s and having things never work out, I found I more often ended up in relationships with beautiful, passionate, and energetic single women in their 30s and even 40s while I was in my early- and mid-20s. I would gladly date an "older woman" again. Because while some guys may be so superficial as to not even bother with a wonderful woman older than them, there are plenty of others out there who find that, as Lou Reed says about relationships, they're "like a good wine/[they're] better as [they] get older."

Via the Boston Globe.

Related:

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Here's A Kind of Teacher Sex Story We've Never Seen Before...

5 Women Who Look Better With Age

5 Men Who Look Better With Age

Let's Settle This Ridiculous First-Date Pay Debate Once And For All

Hair Has Hair Down Thare

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 15:06:00 GMT

That's the cast of the musical "Hair," which was performed free in Central Park last summer and is enjoying a revival right now on Broadway.

While the show is expected to be a success and has been generating decent buzz, the gossip rags have found a way to bash it in their own special way: by mocking the cast for perceived hangups about the show's full-frontal nudity...

The always-professional Post reports:

IT'S the real thing when it comes to the full-frontal nudity in the revival of "Hair." A rumor floating around Broadway was that the actresses playing the unshaven '60s hippies in the rock musical were being fitted with pubic hairpieces so they wouldn't have to give up their Brazilian waxes. But a rep for the show, which opens Tuesday at the Al Hirschfeld Theatre, says all hair will be strictly home grown. "It's all natural. There are no merkins in the show at all," he laughed. [NY Post]

Jezebel mocks Murdoch's goons right back:

So gross: The cast of Hair may not have as much of the titular item as they're supposed to… especially down there. Rumors floating around the revival allude to the fact that many of the women in the cast are going to be wearing merkins (seriously, Google that shit) so they won't have to give up their wax/shave schedule. Broadway is disgusting, y'all. [Jezebel]

We don't care, we'll go see it, merkins or muffins...

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New Jersey Contemplates Ban on Brazilian Wax

Otto, the Gay Zombie Flick on DVD Today

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O No! O Magazine's Warning to Waxers

While You Were Sleeping: Drunk Breastfeeding

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 13:08:00 GMT

David Letterman finally married his girlfriend of more than 20 years, with a decent story to boot.

See, this is why we love the city.

Yeah, we were wondering about that: John Mayer seems to be on the Twitter thing all the time. Turns out, it's the reason he got dumped by Jennifer Aniston.

A woman was arrested in her wedding dress for drunk driving.

A man and a woman were arrested after the woman was discovered breastfeeding while drunk off her ass. Oh yeah, and the cops also found poison and other harmful materials in the baby's room. God bless Florida.

It has long baffled us that, hardcore Republican or not, women are able to watch Bill O'Reilly after reading something like this.

Anne Hathaway is confirmed to play Judy Garland. But can she sing?

Remember how we thought M.I.A.'s kid's name might be dumb? And then how we turned out to be wrong about that name? Turns out we weren't all that wrong after all.

A Best Buy customer actually thought their "new" DVD player was new. Imagine that! Oh, and it had a XXX porn disc inside.

And Katy Perry and Josh Groban are dating. This is the last time we will ever mention these two, we swear...

6 Tips on Cheating And Getting Away with It

Live Blogging SXSWi: Sexual Exploitation and Self

Sloppy Seconds: Tyra's Abusive Relationship

Scanner Book Club: The Forbidden Apple

Emily Farris — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 19:02:00 GMT

The Scanner crew is at South by Southwest eating—and apparently drinking—too much this week. So forgive us for putting up press releases in lieu of writing every once in a while. But you know we have more important things to do, including chasing down bearded men. If we weren't here, though, we imagine we'd be at home curled up with the new book The Forbidden Apple: A Century of Sex & Sin in New York City.

For those interested in the sexual history of New York City, Ig Publishing is happy to announce the publication of The Forbidden Apple: A Century of Sex & Sin in New York City, by Kat Long. The first-ever comprehensive sexual history of New York City, The Forbidden Apple shows how many of this country’s most important sexual trends got their start in New York, and also demonstrates how the repressive forces of morality and decency have waged war against the forces of sexual liberation and freedom throughout the city’s history.
“Kat Long has provided a fascinating overview of sex in New York City since the Civil War. Everything you always wanted to know—and a lot you would never have suspected!”—Kevin Baker, author of Strivers Row, Paradise Alley and Dreamland
“Kat Long's The Forbidden Apple is a fast-paced and vivid overview documenting the conflicts between evangelical moralists and defenders of sexual expression, commercial and otherwise. Anyone interested in New York City or sex will have to pick this up.”—Timothy Gilfoyle, author, City of Eros and A Pickpocket’s Tale
The book has already received great write-ups in The Village Voice and The New York Press, and will be reviewed in The New York Times Book Review on April 5.
And, for those who like your sex live and in-person, please join us on Thursday, April 2^nd at 6:30PM as Kat discusses her book and NYC sex, past, present and future at The Tenement Museum, 108 Orchard Street, New York, 212-982-8420. Kat will be interviewed by Kevin Baker.

Related:

Scanner Book Club: Gays, Handjobs and Super Pokes

Scanner Book Club: Hiding in Hip Hop

Scanner Book Club: George Michael Autobiography

While You Were Sleeping: Ashton Kutcher Needs To Shaddup

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 13:08:00 GMT

London is never going to get rid of MJ-- the King of Pop That Was Almost Good Twenty Years Ago added 17 new shows.

All this iPhone app silliness shows that Apple is just as lame as any other company when it comes to letting their customers have freedom of speech.

Iron Man 2 will either be the best or the worst sequel in film history-- there can no longer be any in between. Yesterday, sources confirmed that Mickey Rourke and now Scarlett Johansson have signed on.

It's too bad we don't have Fidel Castro around to seize this bastard's assets.

Bad news, New York City. You might be getting a weiner for mayor.

This moron-- or is it genius?-- thinks a ringtone may psychologically cause a woman's breasts to grow... or something.

It's just part of Scientology's plan to use Katie Holmes in their brainwashing schemes: Mrs. Tom Cruise is launching her own clothing line for impressionable girls.

Ashton Kutcher said "fag," "gay," and the "N-word" in a single Twitter post and, obviously, came off like a complete moron.

Related:

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While You Were Sleeping: Blake Fielder-Civil's 16-Year-Old Girlfriend?

Michael Jackson Announces "Final Curtain Call" Before His Face Implodes

Sloppy Seconds: Chris Brown's Mystery Woman Revealed

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 21:58:00 GMT

Hillary Clinton told everyone about falling in love with Bill Clinton. Of course, they only want to hear about how she fell out of love with Bill Clinton.

By the way, where did Rielle Hunter get the name Frances Bean from?

Young women mistakenly think men want potential female partners to drink them under the table. Got that?

Is the future of the conservative movement this woman? Whatever it is, we're getting tired of hearing that its next round of leaders are all women. After all, every one of them turns out to be a porn star (Stormy Daniels, Sarah Palin, and this Russian woman-- just check out that tiny photo near the top.)

Sienna Miller and Keira Knightley will battle for the love of Dylan Thomas in a new film. Winner, no matter what the historical evidence: Knightley.

A guy claims he successfully shipped himself from NYC to Vegas. We'd almost care except... he's a magician.

It always surprises us to see people driving along without a care in the world when their cars are wobbling violently from a flat tire. Turns out, they're probably wasted.

Why has it taken Congress so long to do anything to protect whistleblowers? What year did the Pentagon Papers come out again?

And the other woman in the Chris Brown-Rihanna story is revealed to be... his manager. (He may have had an affair with her at 16, Rihanna may have hit first, and a million other drops of bullshit that don't change the fact that he needs prison time.)

Woman Leads Cops Right to Her Liaison with Previous Victim

The UK Babies Having Babies Plot Thickens

Keira Knightley's Latest Nude Scene Kinda Puts Us To Sleep

Germany's Biggest Sex Scandal Comes To A Stunning Conclusion

While You Were Sleeping: Sex Tape Blackmail

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 13:56:00 GMT

Spinal Tap confirmed they will play an acoustic tour that will hit Vancouver, Seattle, New York, and several other North American cities.

Eddie Murphy will finally get what he always wanted? No, not an Oscar-- it's the chance to play Richard Pryor.

Last year, we brought you the story of a man who had sex with a park bench... had his dick caught in that park bench, then went through four hours of hell as... okay, we'll stop there. Just read this Cracked list about having sex with inanimate objects.

Bartering is the new e-bay.

A guy who had sex with another man, whom he later discovered is a married father and decided to blackmail, has been sentenced to a mere four months in prison.

We were pretty sure this is a joke-- an airline considering charging passengers one euro for using the toilet-- but Strollerderby swears it ain't.

Blake Fielder-Civil's mom blames Amy Winehouse for her son's failing marriage. What about his introducing her to drugs, lady?

And Sharon Osbourne is being sued over that fight on Charm School, the only three minutes of that show anyone's ever sat through.

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Bearded Men On Craig's List: Or, How We'll Get Scanner Emily To Move Back To NYC

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 19:42:00 GMT

We're recovering from public nudity burnout after this morning's news and for some idiotic reason, decided that a sane refuge would be the Craig's List Missed Connection section.

Based on what we've come across in the w4m section, a mysterious brand of man has taken over the city of New Amsterdam...

...the beard-o. Jim James, pictured above, the lead singer of Kentucky rock band My Morning Jacket, is rumored to have made the city a second home. The hipsters in Williamsburg have all seemingly realized that, though they live in an urban area, the ladies will overlook the flannel shirts and generally disheveled appearance... as long as the dude's got a beard.

beardo stare - w4m (union pool)

ten thousand dollar stare, what was the even? giving someone "the look" for so long that they begin to fear for their life certainly works, but when you don't follow up with at least a half crack of a smile it still just leaves them fearing for their life.
let's do this rattlesnake dance, you angel.

ps. one hundred bones says your clothes smell like campfire.

When we read the part about one hundred bones, it kind of freaked us out. Maybe it's because we were listening to Warren Zevon's "Excitable Boy," with its deliberately goofy melody and the terrifying lines: "And he dug up her grave/and made a cage with her bones/excitable boy, they all said."

L train making eyes and a laugh - w4m (brooklyn)

...Your beard was new, a month tops-- more like a shadow than a beard. ...I noticed you staring at me i think at Bedford. I stopped actually reading my magazine so i could see if you were still glancing at me at Graham. Surprisingly, you were still on the train at my stop at Myrtle-Wyckoff. we smiled and you watched me leave the train. I turned around twice and you were still looking. you seem fun. i liked your eyes. and i want to know how that book is. are you a Halsey stop guy? Want to go on a hike? I think my camelbak and your hiking boots will get us far enough in the treacherous terrain of Mccarren or Central or Prospect Park.

More choice beard sightings:

I was the brunette with my hair up in a bun, wearing a colorful yellow & pink scarf and long black coat, talking to my friend. you sat next to her and it seems like you kept looking over at us, maybe at me? you had a beard and a hearing aid, were in sneakers and carrying a sports bag. I think I've seen you on the train before.

You were the cute guy with the reddish-brown beard and a stocking hat (that looked like maybe a chicago or cleveland team??) who got on the F... I was the brown eyed brunette sitting a few seats away in a black peacoat and rain boots reading a magazine. We caught eyes when you got on and kept sneaking looks until I had to get off....

Piece of advice: if you aren't 100% sure which team it is your potential dude favors, best to refrain from even mentioning it. Haven't you people seen Diner?

Although all is not lost for you dudes without beards... as this lady suggests, you could always... grow one. (Otherwise, forget it.)

hey bud.. i was sitting to your left while you smoked a hookah at the bar... could not stop thinking about how sexy you'd be with some scruff or a full on beard. you have the hottest "bear" potential. hit me up!

Scanner Emily, better hurry back-- all these enterprising ladies are staking all the bearded territory...

Via Craig's List.

Did You Hear? The Beard is Back (File Under: No Sh*t, MSNBC)

Bearded Man of the Week: Justin Vernon

25-Year-Old Virgin Takes Us One Step Closer to Crazy Cat Lady Status

I Hate Myself For Loving You: Lily Allen

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 21:09:00 GMT

Lily Allen, I don't know your music. Lily Allen, I'm not even sure why you're famous-- I believe there were some hit singles a few years back and your most recent song is #1 in Britain right now. But #1 hits don't mean anything these days... you really need a good topless scandal... or a pregnancy... or a public spat with Elton John...

Okay, you've done all those things...

Your topless scandal was boring though, since you had died your hair a hideous blond tint. The fight with Elton John was in poor taste because you expressed your tacky love for cocaine. But all is forgiven, Lily Allen, because you have gone back to being incredibly hot.

Last night, Lilly performed at the Bowery Ballroom in New York City as part of one of those fake "secret shows" MySpace has been doing. (Remember MySpace? It was that thing that was hot that one time?) She wore a dress that revealed so little, even this pervy photographer for Brooklyn Vegan couldn't get a crotch shot. And that's just another reason for us to love her all the more...

Via BrooklynVegan.

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More Than a Woman: Real Dolls Galore

Emily Farris — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 18:41:00 GMT

Calling all real doll fans in the tri-state area: today Becky Yee's photo exhibit, More Than A Woman, opens at the HPGRP Gallery in New York City. The show focuses on a middle-aged computer engineer in Tokyo who is the self-procliamed 'world's largest collector of Dutch wives'—a nice term for sex dolls. The exhibit runs through March 15 and if you're free tonight, you can catch the opening reception from 6-8.

If we were still in New York, we'd certainly go see it even though—we know this is probably a very unpopular opinion around these parts—we've always been sort-of creeped out by real dolls. They might actually make sense for people with social anxiety, but it seems like a sad way to have the perfect woman who will never get fat, will fuck whenever you want and will never tell you that you need to clean that junk out from under your ball sack. Maybe we'd feel better if there were male real dolls (they'd always be hard and never have junk under their ball sacks!). But to each his (or her own). And in the spirit of that, we've compiled some of our favorite real doll shots after the jump.

[Image]

Related:

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Sex Doll Crimes Of Passion: One Man Just Can't Get Enough

Tickle Me Emo: Male Rocker RealDoll

"A Distinctly New York Kind Of Love" in Pictures

Emily Farris — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 15:56:00 GMT

What do you get when you put two couples and two cameras in one tiny New York City bedroom? "Pillow Talk," the latest project from husband and wife photography team Tribble and Mancendio.

James Frank Tribble and Tracey Manciendo told the New York Times that each wielding a camera, they "'dance' around their subjects, putting them at ease with constant banter and movement. As Ms. Mancenido explains, 'In every shoot, without fail, the sitter is drawn to one of us, and we use that as best we can to capture what we see.'"

[New York Times: In the Bedrooms]

Related:

Weddings From Hell: A Photo Essay

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Photo Essay: New Orleans Battles On

Ron Jeremy On Sex, His Grandma, and Why Porn Was Better in the 80s

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 05 Feb 2009 19:38:00 GMT

Ron Jeremy may have officially passed John Holmes as the greatest and most famous male porn star in history. If Time Magazine is catching on to the cultural phenomenon that is hipster Ron J worship, then maybe it's time to crown him...

Here are excerpts from the epic and exciting tale of one Ron Hyatt, some waiter dude from Queens who worked in the Catskills and has always had the world's worst mustache. Apparently, he has been in an adult film or two, and got his start by taking daguerreotypes of his wang and sending them to Playgirl by intercontinental pony express, which may have been illegal.

[When] people looked up R. Hyatt in Queens... they were getting my grandmother, Rose Hyatt, who lived downstairs. My poor grandmother was being woken up night and day, mostly by guys. Playgirl likes to think that their audience is mostly women, but no, no, the majority is gay. My poor grandma had to move.
I wasn't getting the liftoff as quickly as they did. It was embarrassing. It's funny because now, years later when I am not taking Viagra and the other guy does, I am still slow to the punch.
We were up in the Catskills, and I had a very good sex life, to the point where when I was once late to dinner and told the maitre d' I was with a girl. He said, and I remember his exact words, "Anybody else I would forgive but with you it's like brushing your teeth. You're late; you're being docked pay."
I just loved acting, doing dialogue. All my friends were still doing theater off-off-Broadway and I was doing film. Yes it's porn, but it still goes into theaters. They still had acting back then. They had big scripts. There were no videos back then, no DVDs, no Internet. I came at a time they called the Golden '80s.
Most of them had been to college. Some have come from broken homes, some from abusive homes. What I tell kids when I lecture in colleges is that porn is largely a microcosm of Hollywood itself. There were kids who wanted to do something goofy and crazy. Some were actors who wanted to go for an acting career, like me, and settled for this...
I just did [a porno] a few days ago, a benefit for a great New York director who has serious colon cancer. We all did a free porn film. I did a sex thing with a sweet girl named Candy, she's actually here because we did a scene and she is staying over. (Giggling in the background.)

Here's the rest.

Related:

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Krasinski and Fischer Sadly Opted Out of "The Office" Porn

In the Blink of a Young Girl's Eye: The Glory Days of Porn Posters

While You Were Sleeping: Lily Allen in the Fight of Her Life

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 14:08:00 GMT

Stephen Fry twittered about getting stuck in an elevator.

Here's a guide to touching boobs.

The latest "save the planet" theory? People should have more sex.

This jerk just won the right to attend a university even though he'd been banned from it for his disgusting feet stench. What, he couldn't just clean it up or cover the smell with super-awesome socks?

New York City is losing its loveable weirdos on an almost daily basis.

Thankfully, New York is still cool... in Legoland.

Zombies attacked Texas... now they're attacking Illinois!

Osama "Sam" Lufti is suing his former client, Britney Spears, and her wacky parents.

And Lily Allen learned that it's best not to even have a joke snowball fight with kids. The snowballs turned brutal and the cops were called in to arrest six children...

Today in WTF: Seductive Farting

20 Most Amazing Coincidences... or Hoaxes?

This Week in Gayness: The Homophobic Celebrity Ad You Missed

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 18:45:00 GMT

The vandalization of a gay youth center on Long Island is being investigated as a possible hate crime.

Fleshbot has TV's hottest girl-on-girl makeout moments.

Cops are cruising dudes at New York City sex shops. The undercovers are entrapping them for prostitution charges by mentioning that they will pay for sex, then waiting approximately two seconds before other cops jump the gay guys and arrest them.

A junkie is whining that gays adopted her kids.

Is it time to boycott Fedex?

Gay marriage is legal in Canada, but even that didn't stop a Manitoba doctor for refusing to even treat lesbians.

Meanwhile, in another part of Canada, an interesting decision on sperm donors.

ESPN produced an ad starring Shaquille O'Neal that will blow your mind, once you realize it was made in the 21st century.

And new Illinois Governor Patrick Quinn keeps looking better and better: turns out he's a big fan of the gays.

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Today in WTF: Seductive Farting

Today in WTF: Drunken Negro Face Obama Cookies

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 18:44:00 GMT

"My brother-in-law is Cuban, so there... I'm not racist."

FAIL.

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We Finally Found a Beard We Simply Cannot Endorse

Emily Farris — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 17:01:00 GMT

Did you ever think that we'd meet a beard we didn't love? Well, kids. Today we did.

We understand there are spiritual issues behind the length of this beard and by all means if you think God wants you to grow a beard, who are we to argue? But we just can't, er don't want to, imagine getting our feet all tangled up in this thing during sex:

via videosift.com

Bearded Men of the Week: Unshaven Bartenders in New York

I Hate Myself for Loving You: "Men in Trees"

Today in Teacher Sex: Louisiana and New York Pervs Reach New Heights

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 22 Jan 2009 18:36:00 GMT

Last year, there were well over four hundred reported cases of teachers having sex with underage students. So, it should come as no surprise that we're starting to get two of these creeptastic tales per day...

1) A 24-year-old male music teacher, who shuttles between private schools in the boroughs of Manhattan and Queens, was arraigned yesterday for some disturbing sex crimes. Like, this-guy's-going-to-die-in-prison creepy shit. Amos Duque is accused of "five counts of promoting a sexual performance by a child, five counts of possessing a sexual performance of a child, one count of second-degree sexual abuse and one count of endangering the welfare of a child."

Good Lord, we don't even want to know what he did to earn these distinctive charges:

[Duque] allegedly gave his cell phone to the 11-year-old student on Dec. 20, 2008, and persuaded him – allegedly by offering him money – to go into the bathroom and take pictures and make a video of his penis and then later, to allow him to see and touch his penis, according to the complaint. Duque also allegedly referred the boy to pornographic Web sites on the Internet. [MSNBC]

~~Douche~~ Duque faces seven years in prison, but he almost wasn't arrested at all. His victim kept it bottled up and may have suffered for years, perhaps decades, had a friend of his family not noticed something was wrong and got the child to spill the beans.

2) In Lousleazyanna, our favorite state, another 24-year-old teacher, this time a female, has been arrested for unlawful carnal knowledge-- and no, she didn't molest Sammy Hagar. The victim is a fifteen-year-old boy who may have actually been a willing participant. We say this only because of middle school staffer Kendra Hoffpauir's second charge: contributing to the delinquency of a minor. Correct us if we're wrong, but the charge can only be made if it was not a forced sexual encounter-- in other words, the boy would have to have been underage but also a willing participant. If she had been charged with sexual assault, then they would not have given her the second charge. No?

In any case, it doesn't really matter. The boy's parents found out (we always wonder how-- did the kid come home and tell them something horrible had happened to him or were the two caught in the act?) and the cops were called in.

Side note: We found out a little more about Miss Hoffpauir, thanks to social networking sites she belongs to. Hoffpauir is a 2006 graduate of a Baptist college and strongly supported Mike Huckabee in the primaries. Make of that what you will. Also, reports of this incident sparked a major outrage in the community, so much so that the local media grew concerned about a lynch mob or some renegade attack on the suspect.

I just wonder why the Leesville Leader pulled comment board for this article? When controversy errupts the Leader always yanks the boards, Its getting really old. Article had 6 comments this morning now they have completely removed all comments. Thanks Town Talk for putting the stories out and letting the people speak their minds. [Leader]

Another reader accused the Leader of allowing "Democrats" to "Sensor" the message board, which may be the only bright spot in this story...

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Sloppy Seconds: Kelis to Serve Up a Different Kind of Milkshake

Emily Farris — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 00:22:00 GMT

Yesterday, two birds took down a Kansas City man's ice cream. Today, an entire plane full of people, right into the Hudson River. [BBC]

A 19-year-old Wisconsin woman is facing charges after she got drunk and ran pantsless through an IHOP. Good thing there were never cops around all the times we ran half naked through fast food chains. [The Smoking Gun]

A man in Atlantic City is facing charges after he posed as a female veterinarian and doing all the things veterinarians do, except, we hope, fixing cats and dogs and other furries. [Press of Atlantic City]

And dumbass Johnny Knoxville is facing charges for allegedly taking a grenade into LAX. WTF, Johnny? [Yahoo!]

How excited are we for the "Gossip Girl" spin-off that will tell the story of Lily and Rufus? Very. Very excited. Srsly. XOXO. [Us]

Rappers Kelis and Nas are reportedly expexcting their first child. [MTV]

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Bearded Men of the Week: Unshaven Bartenders in New York

Emily Farris — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 23:57:00 GMT

Last month, a slew of New York City bartenders decided to grow out their beards, just for the hell of it. Well, that and to make us rethink our rule against dating bartenders. And our decision to leave to leave New York.

Glorious hairy pictures after the jump...

[Time Out New York: Bear market indeed: Unshaven bartenders face off]

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Hey, Cheap Rent! Oh, Wait... The Fine Print Is Pretty Insane...

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 14:45:00 GMT

How many of you would move to Manhattan if you landed an apartment for less than $3,000 a month? Now, how many of you would take the place if it was in the happening East Village for $325, rent stabilized?

Put your hands down, because as you may have suspected, this one's a ripoff even at those prices...

This is a post we came across on Craig's List (to our friends out there who are reading this-- no, we're not moving-- but Good God, if this had been for real, we would be breaking leases left and right to make it happen). (Emphasis added.)

$325 EAST VILLAGE- Controlled and large 3 bed (East Village) (map)

-Wow…I can’t believe I am doing this..But I am looking for someone to rent my rent controlled apartment. The monthly rent is extremely cheap and would be a dream for many people in this city. It is in the east village close to A and 3rd. I caught my wife in bed with our neighbor who is almost 20 years younger than her. She is refusing to move out and still seeing him when I am at work, on my bed…I need someone to move in and help me get her out. Man or woman. My plan is to act like we are a couple until she can’t take it anymore. I have done everything possible to try and get her out..But she is a scumbag….So we need to create some type of plan that would get her out..i would charge you very cheap and all you would have to do is act like we are dating. We might have to kiss if front her and make fake sounds when we are in the bedroom. Please respond with a detailed description of your plan to get her out and a little about your self. You could live there after she is out and unless we fall in love we don’t have to do anything else.

Right... you don't have to do anything else. Wow-- we knew that some people too breakups a little hard and rebounds with unwarranted seriousness, but Holy Christ-- this is worse than those ads that start "I'm a downtown businessman with no time for a girlfriend; so, if you want to be my roommate, I only have one requirement: wear this French maid outfit at all times..."

Via Craig's List.

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While You Were Sleeping: Adam Sandler Loses

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 14:08:00 GMT

Five banks were robbed on Monday in New York City. So far, no Depression-style Bonnie and Clyde types have emerged from these robberies or any others during the economic collapse.

Roland Burris, a former Attorney General, has been appointed as Obama's Illinois replacement in the Senate.

What is up with a country that starts putting diapers on its animals? Egypt, you have a lot of living to do.

Remember Tiffany Shepherd? She was the teacher who claimed to have been fired for having sexy pictures on her MySpace and a supposedly risque moonlighting gig. Now she's been arrested for harassing her ex's new girlfriend.

Never mind Jennifer Aniston, who took a backseat to a dog in that Marley movie anyway, Clint Eastwood and Tom Cruise were the surprise winners at the box office this weekend. The loser? Adam Sandler.

A soldier is suing the military for its "Christian bias."

Warner Brothers and Fox are unable to see eye to eye on the Watchmen movie, which means it may not be released any time soon.

And Iranian students, upset at Britain's support for Israel, stormed the UK's embassy in their country.

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While You Were Sleeping: Mexican Beauty Queen Stripped... Of Her Title

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 14:03:00 GMT

Players and connoisseurs of music, Thelonious Monk's advice on playing in his band is an essential look at a mad genius.

Never been kissed? These kooks hadn't either, so they decided to make out in public and then tell the Daily News their real names.

Courtney Love and the Kardashians are at war...

Courtney Love faces possible legal action after accusing socialite Kim Kardashian's brother Rob of punching one of her gay employees.
In an angry rant on her MySpace page written on Wednesday, Love alleged that Kardashian's brother Rob Jr. broke the nose of her employee while calling him a "faggot" in September.

Love writes: "Rob Jr. cold socked and punched my employee right in his face for no reason and broke his nose after my guy was hanging out with his pal Brody Jenner one night outside Hyde lounge."

Talk about adding insult to injury: not only is he named Mike Hunt, but the internet makes fun of his name when he's murdered.

At last, CNN does something good with its website: it reports on a 17-year-old Maryland kid who heard about violence against Sudanese women who go looking for firewood and decided to raise money to send them stoves.

The war between Lindsay Lohan and her father, and her father and Samantha Ronson, rages on.

A Mexican beauty queen lost her title after getting caught up in a drug sweep.

$100,000 worth of cashews were stolen in Sydney yesterday.

And rumors involving the possible engagement of Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen turn out to have been false (we think.)

Sloppy Seconds: Samantha Ronson Checks In, Then Out

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 22 Dec 2008 22:08:00 GMT

A man buried with his cellphone is still getting calls from his wife. For God's sake, leave the man be!

Cuba's youngest politician is a cutie-- not to diminish her intellect... or to mention her ability to throw us in prison and misplace the key.

Want to party with Michael Bay for $250? No? What about if we told you Megan Fox was going to be there?

Slashfilm has the details on Bay's party, meant to help the United Way: it will be held at on Saturday, December 27th at Bay’s Miami Beach home. Tickets are $250 per person, but for $500, VIPs can join Bay on a private rooftop lounge alongside Megan Fox, the clone of Scarlett Johansson, and probably a Dodge Viper, just because. Following the reception, "all guests will be invited to an after-party" so that Bay can get his swerve on at home without Miami blue-hairs swanning around.

Sam Ronson was hospitalized for depression and exhaustion (we believe this one since how else do you think life with Lindsay Lohan would go?)

What, doesn't your Mom have iTunes? 85% of tracks released in 2008 were never downloaded.

In 1939, you could feed nine kids for a single English pound per day, if you were as frugal as this woman.

Have you guys heard about the idiotic New York City Councilman, soon to be moving on to the state level, who slashed his girlfriend's face with broken glass? Now he's claiming that he tripped while bringing her a glass of water. Is that the modern day equivalent of "she fell down the stairs?" What's next-- "I thought it was a Wii Gun?"

And Barack Obama was rocking the toplessness today in Hawaii.

Surviving a Plane Crash, via Twitter

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You Missed Out on Santacon Again...

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 16:18:00 GMT

The first rule of Santacon is similar to that of Fight Club. So, instead of telling you all about the yearly, ultra-secret flash mob involving Santa impersonators in cities worldwide, we'll show you what it's like...

These two videos should tell the rest.

Via Santacon.com.

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