Scanner : Neil Young

Scanners in New Orleans at Jazz Fest

Colleen Kane — Mon, 04 May 2009 17:50:00 GMT

I like to take before and after photos on big days. I just returned from two such big days attending the last weekend of Jazz Fest in New Orleans, where Scanner Brian had been camped out in some tiny shack for the whole festival.

So here is our before shot, taken shortly before Neil Young's performance, which rocked in the free world. You will notice from reading my hat that it is HAMMER TIME. That circle in my hands is my ladylike Charles Rennie Mackintosh flask. Sneaking in on the left is a gal who gave a free Jazz Fest ticket to our friend Kara, who must have gotten at least a six pack's worth of free beers from strangers over the weekend, just by asking nicely.

Now just try to look at our after photos and not be disturbed.

There isn't an explanation, other than this Boy George-esque murderer mask was found in the side yard of the house where I stayed, and much merriment ensued while creeping out our friends and fellow Jazz Fest- goers on the street (see Scanner Brian, shouting at them, above, although it was New Orleans, so I don't think anyone was too fazed).

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Our Favorite Dumb Criminal: Burglar Leaves Sex Tape At the Scene

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 20:47:00 GMT

"...Oh Alabama, the devil fools with the best-laid plan..."

An as-yet-unidentified burglar, seen in this photo, obviously didn't have any Neil Young as the mood music on his sex tape. We know for a fact because the police have the sex tape and they're using it to publicly identify a local menace...

Police really want to nab this guy, thanks to his responsibility for at least a handful of the four than 50 car break-ins in just one precinct in Mobile in the last month. Sources say the dude bailed out of his stolen Ford Explorer, leaving behind iPods and ancient listening devices known as stereos, which ancient man is believed to have used before the advent of Napster.

"...Your SUV / has a wheel in the ditch / and a wheel on the track..."

Perhaps the only disappointing part of this story is that our sole glimpse into the sex tape is the photo above, which isn't exactly appealing, unless you like your men to look like gleeful stoners who are thinking of putting it in your butt. At least his teeth are all right and his mustache only fairly hideous. Also, he's probably the kind of guy who makes sure to do it doggystyle so he can stare into his own eyes in the bedroom mirror-- the cops say the video doesn't even feature his female partner's face, since it's mainly a self-portrait of a man enjoying sex.

Via AL.com.

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Happy Early 65th Birthday, Joni Mitchell

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 18:34:00 GMT

This is a great day for the peace movement that flowered (pun intended) in the 1960s. One person who must be thrilled at the prospect of an Obama presidency is the great Canadian singer-songwriter Joni Mitchell, one of our personal heroes, whose birthday is on Friday but is for some reason is celebrated in a story in today's Wall Street Journal.

Joni Mitchell fun facts, because they're easier to write than a full-on biography:

1) The CSNY cover of "Woodstock" was one of the biggest songs of the 1970s, with massive airplay throughout the early part of the decade, despite only reaching #11 on the charts. Camille Paglia wrote that the Mitchell-penned tune is "possibly the most popular and influential poem composed in English since Sylvia Plath's 'Daddy'."

2) The Clintons named Chelsea after the Joni Mitchell song "Chelsea Morning," which isn't all that memorable otherwise.

3) That Counting Crows song that tortured you for years about "paradise" and "parking lots?" That's "Big Yellow Taxi," see below.

4) "The Circle Game," which helped put her on the map, was inspired by Neil Young's "Sugar Mountain."

5) "Sex sells everything and sex kills," she sang in 1994. We have to disagree with at least part of that.

Here's a special playlist which we selected just for those of you who don't know what the hell we're talking about:

You Turn Me On I'm A Radio

Cactus Tree

The Circle Game

All I Want (Live LP Version)

Woodstock (Live LP Version)

Big Yellow Taxi

The album to get is Blue, which is one of the ten best English-language records ever, no question. All you'll need is a bottle of wine and a record player and you won't ever require anything else again...

Here's a story about Joni featuring an interview with David Crosby in today's WSJ.

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Top 10 Celebrities Who Are Probably Cool In Real Life

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 23 Sep 2008 19:21:00 GMT

Feel free to weigh in and add your own... especially if you can correct (or add) based on personal experience...

10. Neil Young-- because of-- or in spite of-- the fact that he is obsessed with model trains

9. Heidi Klum-- showing us her ass bruise yesterday is what got us thinking about this list in the first place

8. Anthony Bourdain-- the only man who works in a kitchen that we probably couldn't take in a fight... but he wouldn't start one with us... because he's cool like that

7. Simon Cowell-- once he steps out of character, he might be a pretty good wingman... same with Ryan Seacrest (just kidding!)

6. Elvis Costello-- if you've seen him in concert recently, you know he still has the same energy and kickass attitude that seemed so fresh in 1976

5. Bill Clinton-- unless, of course, you have a busty blond with you, hanging out with Bill Clinton is rumored to be a great time, where dirty jokes are always welcome... as long as they don't involve "interns"

4. David Bowie-- then again, David Bowie could sneer at us and it would kind of awesome

3. Wanda Sykes-- now here's somebody who you actually wouldn't mind it if she were "on" all the damn time

2. The dudes from Flight of the Conchords

1. Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert (tie)-- this we know from reliably sources... and, because, if they weren't cool in real life, it would break out poor widdle liberal hearts...

Also, a good way to tell if a celebrity might be an all right person in real life is to scan through this page of stories from waiters all over the country. They weight on whether a celebrity was a great tipper (Bill Murray, Joe Pesci, Stevie Nicks) or one who ordered "many bottles of wine" and still stiffed the help (Don Henley, big surprise.)

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While You Were Sleeping: Mark Foley's Replacement's Sex Scandal

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 23 Sep 2008 13:08:00 GMT

A homeless man in Florida was arrested for sleeping nude on the steps of a City Hall. Insult to injury: he was given $150 in bail which, obviously, he probably can't even pay.

Farm Aid 2008 is playing in a loop here. (The lineup: Neil Young, John Mellencamp, Willie Nelson, Dave Matthews, Kenny Chesney, Arlo Guthrie, Jerry Lee Lewis, The Pretenders, Jakob Dylan, and much more.)

How much would you pay for a date with this porn star?

This knife violence on Greyhounds in Canada fad? It shows no signs of stopping.

Dane Cook is the gift (of unintentional comedy) that keeps on giving. (A friend responds that we should start a letter writing campaign demanding Newswatch apologize for calling Cook a "funnyman.")

Disclaimer: the following story is only somewhat new and was ignored by almost every reputable media outlet. That being said, maybe there's something to it: Democratic Rep. Tim Mahoney, who replaced Mark Foley in Congress, is caught up in a scandal of his own... and, some conservatives say, a sex scandal to boot:

The Post reported that the house Mahoney lists as his primary residence and the address he uses on his voter registration card are not the same. The address on his voter I.D. is listed as a barn inside the district, the address he claims as his primary residence is outside the district. This is unusual in that it doesn’t look good to his constituents that he doesn’t live in the district he represents. However, it is apparently legal.

So... where's the sex?

The discrepancies in where Mahoney claims his primary residence and the address listed on his voter I.D. card (a barn) are supposedly due to the fact that Mahoney and his wife no longer share the same address.

Apparently, Tim Mahoney, through one of his consultants, has paid a former staffer, Trish Allen, $250,000 in hush money to keep a sexual harassment lawsuit brought by Mrs. Allen against Congressman Mahoney from the public view. [via]

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Neil Young Announces Quite Possibly Greatest Concert Ever

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 14:35:00 GMT

There's a little man growing out of Neil Young's back!

We have to admit, some of us are huge Neil Young fans here at Scanner. (The former Scanner Bryan, now of The Remote Island, may be an even bigger fan, since he's going to buy that 27,000-BluRay DVD box set of Neil Young outtakes, which even we aren't going in for.)

We sat through hours and hours of Farm Aid for one "Heart of Gold." We traveled and waited for hours in the cold to see Neil do very few fan favorites in the middle of nowhere on his last tour. And we're coming back for more... especially if the rumors of the concert lineup he's set to announce turn out to be true...

Opening acts that could headline their own stadium shows? We're so there...

Choose your poison: Neil Young & Band plus Death Cab For Cutie in Kansas City... or Neil Young & Band Of Axe-Wielding Rockers plus Wilco at Madison Square Garden... for $75. On the floor. General admission, baby...

Neil Young - 2008 Tour Dates
Tue 10/14 - Saint Paul, MN Xcel Energy Center *
Thu 10/16 - Winnipeg, MB MTS Centre *
Sat 10/18 - Regina, SK Brandt Centre *
Sun 10/19 - Calgary, AB Pengrowth Saddledome *
Tue 10/21 - Everett, WA Comcast Arena At Everett Events Center *
Wed 10/22 - Vancouver, BC General Motors Place *
Wed 10/29 - San Diego, CA Cox Arena *
Thu 10/30 - Inglewood, CA The Forum *
Sat 11/01 - Reno, NV Reno Events Center *
Tue 11/04 - Kansas City, MO Sprint Center *
Wed 11/05 - Omaha, NE Qwest Center Omaha *
Sat 11/29 - Halifax, NS Halifax Metro Centre +
Mon 12/01 - Montreal, QC Bell Centre +
Tue 12/02 - Ottawa, ON Scotiabank Place +
Thu 12/04 - Toronto, ON Air Canada Centre +
Sun 12/07 - Auburn Hills, MI The Palace Of Auburn Hills +
Tue 12/09 - Rosemont, IL Allstate Arena ^
Fri 12/12 - Philadelphia, PA The Wachovia Spectrum +
Mon 12/15 - New York, NY Madison Square Garden Arena +

* Death Cab For Cutie and Everest will support dates from October 14 through November 5;

+ Wilco and Everest are on the bill for dates starting November 29 through the tour's conclusion,

^ with the exception of the December 9 Chicago date which will feature (TBD) and Everest in support.

Thanks to BrooklynVegan for the heads up.

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While You Were Sleeping: We'll Score Or Go Topless For You

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 21 Jul 2008 13:48:00 GMT

Don't you wish America's Next Top Models were making sex tapes, too?

Isn't this entrapment? An Ohio man came upon a topless woman in a park. The woman, noting that the park was empty, asked him to take out his dick. He obliged and was promptly arrested as part of a sting operation.

Did you hear about the naked airplane passenger?

An American Airlines flight from Boston to Los Angeles was diverted to Oklahoma City on Friday after a passenger stripped nude and later tried to open an emergency exit door before being subdued by members of a professional soccer team and others, the FBI said.

If you're going to kill yourself by jumping in front of a train, the least you could do is not traumatize the driver for life by staring into his eyes.

Neil Young talked about living with war (both the album and the state of being) on Charlie Rose. Not news, but you should check it out anyway.

More than 5,000 people donated to a guy running for office in nowhere Kansas after a cartoon about his candidacy took off on the internet. (To put things in perspective: he shattered previous records of only a few hundred people ever donating in such a race.)

An English footballer, scoreless since 2006, has vowed to score

five goals in this season’s push for promotion. If he is not successful then he and the rest of the United first team will get their kit off and pose for a topless calendar with the proceeds going to charity.

Topless soccer players? Come on, dudes... if you were serious, it would be a calendar with the full monty.

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Sloppy Seconds: Ben Affleck's "Big Regret" Involves JLo's Big Booty

Emily Farris — Mon, 12 May 2008 21:46:00 GMT

A biologist who discovered a new arachnid named the new species of trapdoor spider after his favorite musician. Ladies and gentlemen, meet Myrmekiaphila neilyoungi. [Yahoo!]

The View's Joy Behar wants to feel the knob, but draws the line at licking the knob. [Jezebel]

Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer are apparently "really into each other." [Us]

Little Matilda Rose Ledger looks more and more like her daddy everyday. We don't know if this will be a good thing when she's all grown up, but for now she's so freaking cute. [FameCrawler]

Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson are either engaged or they're not. [Hello!]

Tila Tequila is on the cover of "Blender" probably because her single "Stripper Friends" is a big hit with the kids these days? Oh wait, we've never heard it. [Hollywood Tuna]

Apparently Gwyneth Paltrow is "boring," but she looks hot on the cover of GQ, even if it is Photoshopped. [E!]

When talking about his past relationship with Jennifer Lopez, Ben Affleck said his "one big regret" was that he appeared the video for her single "Jenny From the Block" in which he rubbed suntan lotion on her booty. Funny, we imagine that would be most men's big goal. [GabbyBabble]

[Image]

Today in Bad-Assery: The Neil Young Archives, 1963-1972

Bryan Christian — Fri, 09 May 2008 13:54:00 GMT

It blows our mind that a guy whose records have always seemed so homemade would release his long-awaited archives on Blu-Ray, packing the release with crazy interactive menus and video, as this clip demonstrates. We're not complaining, y'understand. It ain't like we'll need a mind to put this shit in our Christmas wish list.

[via Rolling Stone]

Scanner : Neil Young

Scanners in New Orleans at Jazz Fest

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Neil Young Announces Quite Possibly Greatest Concert Ever

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Today in Bad-Assery: The Neil Young Archives, 1963-1972