Scanner : Marilyn Monore

"Hey, Wanna Meet Me For Some Hotel Sex?"

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 21:53:00 GMT

Picture this: you're a fourteen-year-old boy, and for some reason your parents think it's appropriate for you to own a cellular telephone. More importantly, you have given the number out to an assortment of people, including your friends, strange girls from around the area, your teacher, and, one would hope, your family.

One night, you start to get racy text messages from someone claiming to be a hot girl your age. Somehow, the texter manages to convince you that you are in a hotel and waiting for you to come by for some hot sexy time. You get to the hotel on the double, open the door, and...

Now, at what point do you realize the "teenage girl" you've gone to meet is, in actuality, your 49-year-old 8th grade English instructor? Before or... after you have sex with her?

Gaaahhh!

Rosanna Brown, 49, a teacher at Pastor Elementary School in south Phoenix is charged with having sex with a 14-year-old boy.

The teacher is now in jail. Investigators say she sent text messages to the boy from her cell phone posing as a teenage girl to lure him to a hotel, where they had sex. [AZ Family]

"Oh, wait, you're not a hot 14-year-old girl from class who has a completely different phone number than the one you've been texting me from. But hey, you want to bone me, so... what the hell!"

Today in Teacher Sex: Louisiana and New York Pervs Reach New Heights

This Week in Hot for Teacher News: Another Sexy Teacher Gets Sexy With a Student

The 50 Sexiest Movies of All-Time: 50-41

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 18:41:00 GMT

This summer, we gave you the 50 Sexiest Albums of All-Time in an effort to help the music industry's sluggish sales numbers. Now, we present an even sexier compendium-- complete with a few NSFW scenes to warm up your November afternoon-- as well as background and trivia and everything else that we can think of to convince you to rent these the next time you want to seduce somebody...

The 50 Sexiest Movies of All Time: 50-41

50. The Seven Year Itch. Backstory: What more do you need than this, Marilyn Monroe's famous subway grate encounter? Trivia: It has the Joe DiMaggio Seal of Disapproval-- the scene was so sexy, her husband (that guy from the Mrs. Robinson song) fled and never came back. Irnoically, the skirt blowing up? Deleted from the movie itself. Luckily, the rest of the film is brimming with unconsummated sexuality.

49. Casablanca. Backstory: Not even the sexiest movie from 1943, this earns its place here for the most romantic scene in movie history, in our opinion. Watching Bogie decide to do the right thing and send the love of his life off on a plane with her husband is so damn manly of him that, at the mere reminder of this moment, our gonads hang in shame. Trivia: The original ending came very closed to being changed thank to the Allied invasion of Casablanca just before the film was to be released.

48. Cruel Intentions. Backstory: Is it wrong to choose this over Les Liaisons Dangereuses, its predecessor? No, for while Liaisons did have a notable sex scene featuring the breasts of Uma Thurman, it also featured the tongue of John Malkovich and didn't really capture our (sexual) interest throughout. Oddly enough, the sinister and more overt incestuous teasing Sarah Michelle Gellar puts Ryan Phillipe through kept us glued to this otherwise merely grade-B adaptation of the famed French novel. Trivia: The sequel was originally planned as a TV series called Manchester Prep; here's how bad it was: when Fox decided it was too risque for their radical right-wing mindsets, the producers simply slapped the first three episodes together, added a nude scene, and released it straight to video. Yep, it's that good... [NSFW naughtiness starting after the 40-second mark.]

47. Midnight Cowboy. Backstory: If you're over the age of 12, you've hopefully done your civic duty and watched the only (then-)rated X movie to win Best Picture. If you haven't, stop reading and add it to your queue at once. If you've already seen it, then you know the hilarious sex scenes and sexual tension between Jon Voight and Dustin Hoffman are only two of the reasons it helped to usher in a new dawn of gritty Hollywood filmmaking. Trivia: The film's famous party scene includes actual Warhol Superstars and the script was written by the great blacklisted writer Waldo Salt.

46. Flashdance. Backstory: While dancing in a lousy Pittsburgh bar and dreaming of studying at a nearby conservatory, Jennifer Beals meets the owner of a steel mill, where she also works. The two gradually fall in love... and yeah, you read Cinderella? You're tired of bad 80s music? Then you don't need this film. What you do need is this clip below... Trivia: The script was co-written by Joe Eszterhas, who went on to pen Showgirls and Basic Instinct.

45. Body Heat. Backstory: Hey, remember when Kathleen Turner used to be hot? We don't either-- although many people swear by the steamy Southern tale of murder, betrayal, and other cliched Hollywood plot twists. Trivia: Who cares about trivia? Watch this scene of unrestrained animal lust, which almost makes you forget it involves William Hurt and Kathleen Turner. [NSFW almost immediately.]

44. No Way Out. Backstory: Sean Young's character is so magnificiently attractive, not only does Kevin Costner risk life and life to sleep with her, but Gene Hackman ends up doing a terrible thing in rage because of her. (We won't say what it is, but here's a hint: they give it away on the back cover of the DVD, those idiots.) Trivia: This is the only film on this list that includes a sex scene in a movie vehicle. Also, nobody ever looked as good as Sean Young (!) does in that early party scene. Never ever. [NSFW almost immediately.]

43. Goldfinger. Backstory: It's fucking James Bond, yo, so there's your backstory. This is the one with Pussy Galore and all her hot young pilots, Shirley Eaton wearing only gold body paint, plus Sean Connery at his peak. Trivia: The Aston Martin spy car was introduced in this film and was such a successful inclusion it insured many films had donated product placements from them on.

42. Bound. Backstory: Jennifer Tilly and Gina Gershon make sex movie, yas. Trivia: This movie had a major cult following in the days before internet porn took off, and probably still does to this day. At one time, the phenomenon reached such a fever pitch, the following clip topped several Best Sex Scene Polls. The rest of the movie is pretty randy, too. [NSFW starting around the 4-minute mark.]

41. Bull Durham. Backstory: Who knew North Carolinans had such hot sex and great minor league sports teams? Trivia: The sex was so spectacular, Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon decided to keep it going in real life... and they still do, or so we're told. Also, if you look closely, the note that Costner sends over to Sarandon doesn't say “I want to make love to you.” It says, “Wanna fuck this time?” And one more: Kurt Russell, who played minor league ball at one time, was originally set to star. [NSFW starts after a few minutes, then continues through two consecutive sex scenes.]

To be continued... your suggestions, as always, are welcome in the comments section.

Top 5 Sex Scenes From TV Shows

Top 5 Lesbian Sex Scenes

Lizzy Caplan And Her HBO Porn Show Still Terrible, Terribly Hot

Hot Teacher Caught After Three-Year Affair With Female Student

Co-Ed Magazine Picks The 52 Best All-Natural Breasts...

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 09 Oct 2008 17:52:00 GMT

...in honor of Breast Cancer Awareness Month, of course. Gotta love the shameless ploy...

Here are our ten more-or-less SFW favorites... in no particular order, mind you.

Rosario Dawson

Scarlett Johansson

Monica Belluci

Elizabeth Hurley

Bridget Bardot

Salma Hayek

What, no America Ferrera?

Unfortunately, the 52 listed all big breasted babes. You know what they say about variety, guys: we could have used some smaller boobs on that survey. And another thing: we heard Keeley Hazell's boobs are, in fact, silicone, so we ruled her out even though Co-Ed included her (and at #2!) Read the rest of their list here, which contains NSFW images galore...

Related:

Motorcycle Party Features Screaming Orgasm Contest, Rampant Nudity [nsfw]

Coffee And Nuts Will Give You Manboobs

Pamela Anderson's Boobs Did Not Kill Hugh Hefner

Boobs for Barack

For Every Action, There Is An Equal And Opposite (Man Boob) Reaction...

Cooking With Your Balls

Perverted Massachusetts Democrat Must Worship JFK

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 09 Jun 2008 14:35:00 GMT

Marilyn Monroe serenading President Kennedy with a birthday song.

A rogue Massachusetts representative is refusing, despite repeated controversy, to resign his seat and has gone on a wild tear through the mean streets of Brookline. The men with the butterfly nets finally caught State Sen. Jim Marzilli this weekend, and sent him to McLean Hospital, where kooks like Sylvia Plath, James Taylor (who it was rumored wrote "Fire And Rain" here), and "A Beautiful Mind's" John Nash all stayed. His checkered past follows him nevertheless and even Teddy Kennedy is said to have cringed at these allegations...

Marzilli was arrested this week in Lowell on charges that include assault and lewd and lascivious conduct. Police said that in once incident the senator grabbed a woman by the crotch and then fled, with police following him on foot through the city.

Police said that at least five women have come forward with complaints, including one who said he followed her making obscene comments. Marzilli was released on $1,500 bail.

$1,500?! That's all? Damn... guess the Democrats still do have a stranglehold among the elitists and homeless people running rampant in the streets. (You know we're kidding, right? Okay, then.)

[The legislator] says he will not run for re-election but will not resign either. [UPI]

With all his money, why doesn't this limousine liberal buy the state constitution and change his job description to say "legislator fo' life"? In any case, we'll fill you in on the details of this emerging scandal...

Sloppy Seconds: Why Does Oprah Look So Scared?

Emily Farris — Fri, 02 May 2008 21:56:00 GMT

We're kind-of sad to report that the Marilyn Monroe sex tape has been "fully debunked" by the FBI, whatever that means. [Radar]

Maybe it's the band geek in us, but we got way too excited over this video of synchronized metronomes. [Didn'tYouHear?]

Uma Thurman's stalker says he "didn't mean to scare her." [Yahoo!]

Paula Abdul thinks no one understands her. Um, she's right. [People]

But not to worry, her job is safe. [MTV]

Tom Cruise and Oprah revisited the whole jumping on the couch thing today and she confessed to him, "I was a little nervous coming up this morning, I have to admit, because you and I have not sat down for a real conversation since the sofa incident.". [Us Weekly]

Vintage Masturbation Material: Marilyn Monroe Sex Tape

Emily Farris — Mon, 14 Apr 2008 18:17:00 GMT

What's hotter than Lindsay Lohan doing Marilyn Monroe? Marilyn Monroe doing someone else. With her mouth. On tape. For 15 minutes.

That's right, somewhere there exists at least one copy of a Marilyn Monroe (oral) sex tape.

Memorabilia collector Keya Morgan said he recently arranged the sale of the silent, black-and-white film from the son of a dead FBI informant who possessed it to a wealthy Manhattan businessman who wants to protect Monroe's privacy.
Monroe is clothed and the man's head remains out of the frame for the entire 15 minutes of the film, said Morgan, who viewed the film.

Monroe was rumored to have had an affair with former U.S. President John F. Kennedy, and Morgan said former FBI director J. Edgar Hoover, a Kennedy rival, went to great lengths to try to prove it was Kennedy in the film.

One of Monroe's ex-husbands, the late baseball great Joe DiMaggio, once tried to buy it from the collector for $25,000 but "he would not part with it," according to declassified FBI files provided by Morgan.

So yeah, good luck getting your hands on it you clever Internets; apparently the tape will be kept private.

[Reuters: Marilyn Monroe sex film to be kept private]

Missing Video of the Day: Lindsay Lohan Sex Tape

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 21 Mar 2008 20:51:00 GMT

We're suprisingly still interested in seeing Lindsay Lohan have hot amateur sex, despite the off-putting details of her sex life and what parts we've already seen.

Unfortunately, this sex tape may turn out to fall by the way of the Kristin Davis one: a rumor or someone who looks like a starlett and is in fact a chubby phony. Calum Best himself laughed off rumors of a tape featuring him and LiLo:

[T]he 27-year-old's representative says, "Sorry to disappoint you, but it's not Calum in the tape." [Starpulse]

However, if you read further, it turns out he's only denying that it's him in the recording. Does that mean we'll one day see Lohan in the buff, dt'ing some other random douche and doing other inappropriate shit for a star of multiple Disney movies?

These are not, as previously reported, screencaps from the unreleased video, should it exist. The below pictures, however, are some shots to tide you over, you pervs:

Above Photo: Bert Stern

Previously: We're Done Thinking of Lindsay Lohan As Marilyn Monroe.

We're Done Thinking of Lindsay Lohan as Marilyn Monroe: UPDATED

Bryan Christian — Thu, 21 Feb 2008 13:00:00 GMT

There are new Lindsay-as-Marilyn shots, but before we get to that, can we confess something? We've been trying for days to get a deep thinkpiece out on these things. And you know what we just realized it all came down to?

MARILYN > LINDSAY

That's it, end of story. "Marilyn is greater than Lindsay." We had like hundreds of words on how out of her element Lindsay seemed in her shots (great rack or no), and what both actresses have meant to their respective eras, and the significance of the original "Last Sitting" series. All that stuff... Cameos by Hemingway, Chuck Close, Kate Moss, Ava Gardner, and Jessica Alba... Seriously, we'd put a lot of effort into collecting our thoughts on the subject in the last 48 hours or so. And that right there is basically all it comes down to. Maybe we should see it again just for emphasis?

MARILYN > LINDSAY

"Marilyn is greater than Lindsay." Well there you fucking go. How many goddamned ways can you say that? (Apparently a lot.)

Anyway, just because we've finally moved on to contemplating other naked women doesn't mean there aren't a few final bits of Lohan/Monroe business to attend to. New York has released outtakes from the photoshoot which we think are better than the originally published shots. (They're the last 5 shots in the slideshow here, our favorite is included below.) And Information Week is reporting that the rush to see LiLo's naked boobies crashed New York's servers, which is an honor that we're sure they'll invent a special Pulitzer for someday.

All right. Enough. Here's a pretty picture to see us out.

UPDATE: The Paper of Record has decided to get in on the fun, which is generally conclusive proof of the end of anything. Their conclusion? Well, it ain't LINDSAY > MARILYN.

Rumor: JFK Love Child Living in Vancouver

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 08 Feb 2008 20:15:00 GMT

Page Six ran a story yesterday about a "40-something" British Columbian man who is about to be exposed as JFK's illegitimate love child. He apparently bears a striking resemblance to the assassinated ladies man and is described as "tall [and] handsome."

The man, who so far has been respectfully unnamed, is believed to be the product of President Kennedy and a friend of LBJ's from the VP's good ol' Texas days. A Vanity Fair story, rumored to have been killed at the request of little brother Teddy, may still be in the works after all.

We're still holding out for a love child of JFK and Marilyn to turn up and be smokin' hot.