Scanner : Lost

Who Would You Rather: Kate vs. Juliet?

Emily Farris — Thu, 14 May 2009 22:06:00 GMT

Okay, we don't want to give up too much about last night's LOST season finale (but hello! Jacob! WTF?!?!), but after watching Sawyer's breakdown, we have to ask, who would you rather, Kate or Juliet?

Related:

Who Would You Rather: Nancy Grace vs. Rachael Ray?

Who Would You Rather: Jon Favreau vs. Jon Favreau?

Who Would You Rather, Celebrity Chef Edition: Gordon Ramsay vs. Bobby Flay?

The 10 Best Things About the New Star Trek

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 13 May 2009 18:58:00 GMT

Haven't seen the new Star Trek yet? You are not alone... in the universe! Ha... is joke.

Seriously, this might end up being the first film in ages to actually draw in significant repeat business-- Trekkies are over the moon, film buffs are racing at warp speed to get home and blog, and we've run out of bad puns already. In other words, don't be left out this weekend...

10. This could be the Star Trek film that breaks the Oscar curse. The series is 0 for 10, mainly in sound and effects categories, and has never been nominated in a category bigger than cinematography. But we would not be surprised, given the quality of movies released this year, that Star Trek pics up nods in screenplay, effects, and even acting categories. You heard it here first.

9. Leonard Nimoy's cameo gives the movie great dramatic weight-- unlike 99.9% of all prequel cameos. Most of the time, when you bring back the star of a film's previous series, it results in mockery and cinematic travesty. For example, Sean Connery's return as James Bond nearly ruined the series, even more so than the casting of Timothy Dalton. Thankfully, this Star Trek is more, say, Diamonds Are Forever than Never Say Never Again.

8. It finally launched little known film director J.J. Abrams's career. Abrams, you probably didn't know, has spent years slumming it as the #1 producer of network television.

7. If this guy hates it, it must be good. The self-described Trekkie fails to see what's great about the movie-- it's Star Trek without all the hokey sci-fi goofing around that turned off so many casual viewers.

6. It makes us want to go watch the first four movies again. (Although, of course, nothing can make us want to watch any of the others.) That's the big difference with this and the Star Wars prequels-- it actually belongs in the series canon.

5. Because J.J. chose quality over a gimmick. Bill Shatner has made no bones (no pun intended) about his disdain for the filmmakers. We see his point-- Nimoy gets a huge supporting role, while Shatner doesn't even merit a walk-on. But Abrams & co. were right to leave that rumored cameo unfilmed-- the scene that would kind-of work, initially slated to follow the climax, could easily have stalled the movie's dramatic momentum and might have sent people out of the theater shaking their heads at the inappropriate side-tracking. Abrams made the very wise decision to not risk the movie's tension-- and it was clearly the right decision.

4. Because it will launch the career of a great young actor, Chris Pine. When we first saw trailers for the film, we kept saying, "Man, the new Kirk looks like a poor man's Ryan Reynolds." And saying someone is anything like Ryan Reynolds is a huge insult where we come from. That "annoying-looking pretty boy model," Chris Pine, turns in he year's best breakthrough performance-- are you listening, MTV?

3. All the ladies agree: Zachary Quinto is the thinking woman's sex symbol for the 21st Century. Spock, as Quinto plays him, is transformed into a studly romantic brainiac badass. Who could've predicted that?

2. This weekend, it will likely become the highest-grossing Tyler Perry movie of all time. Yes-- he's in two scenes and since no one knew he was in the film when it first opened, there were whispers all around: "Hot damn-- is that Madea?"

1. It's just that damn entertaining. We watched the film with a mild fan and two people who had very little interest in the movie-- and all enjoyed it tremendously. They agreed with this reviewer that Star Trek jump-starts a series that had been "mined to exhaustion." Best of all, this weekend, it goes up against Angels and Demons, the sequel to The Da Vinci Code, giving you yet another reason to help keep this atop the box office...

The Hottest Unknown Women Of Star Trek

"I Broke My Dick And It Made Shatner A Star"

While You Were Sleeping: Mel Gibson Is In Trouble Now

Food We'd Like to F*ck: Ace of Cakes' LOST Cake

Emily Farris — Thu, 23 Apr 2009 20:25:00 GMT

To celebrate (what we assume is the taping of) LOST's 100th episode, the folks at ABC brought in the pros from Ace of Cakes to make the sweet cake pictured above. But perhaps more exciting are the Dharma beer cupcakes, "chugged" by Sawyer. Well, that and the obligatory Juliette's-boobs-next-to-the-cake shot.

Is it just us or does she look really good dirty?

Related:

Crush of the Week: The Newest Couple on "Lost" (With Bonus Boob Talk)

LOST Producers Throw Us a Bone, Disney Takes it Away

**Food We'd Like to F*ck: Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Topped Cupcakes**

**Today in Food We'd Like to F*ck: The Hamburger Fatty Melt**

Marry, F*ck or Kill: Sexy Doctor Edition

Emily Farris — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 21:05:00 GMT

Sixteen million people watched the E.R. series finale last night. We were not among them, but if our Twitter feed is any indication, old-school fans were seriously missing sexy, sexy Dr. Ross, played many seasons ago by George Clooney. And that got us thinking about how glad we are to still have Lost's Matthew Shepherd in our lives. We thought we'd do a little "Who Would You Rather: Dr. Ross vs. Dr. Shepherd?" but then we remembered Dr. McDreamy, played by Patrick Dempsey on Grey's Anatomy. Ah! So many sexy doctors, so little time—the perfect situation for a very important decision: which TV doctor do you marry, which do you fuck and which do you DNR?

Only One Thing Matters on Wednesdays

Colleen Kane — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 23:41:00 GMT

LOST!

OMG!

Here's Josh Holloway's audition tape to play Sawyer. You'll see the character was all born already in the audition tape.

Related:

Crush of the Week: The Newest Couple on "Lost" (With Bonus Boob Talk)

Video of the Day: A LOST Sneak Peek

LOST Producers Throw Us a Bone, Disney Takes it Away

Bearded Man of the Week: Justin Vernon

Emily Farris — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 23:37:00 GMT

We've heard Bon Iver's "Skinny Love" played all over the place for the last six months or so, always thinking we were listening to TV on the Radio. We should know better, considering Kyp Malone of TVOTR used to be our upstairs neighbor. But, apparently living close to coolness does not make one cool.

After discovering that the man singing was Justin Vernon we set out to learn one thing: does he have a beard? You fucking bet he does.

Watch these videos and tell us you're not in love with him, too:

We totally want him to put a baby in us. But just one.

Related:

Bearded Man of the Week: Dr. Jack Shephard

Bearded Man of the Week: Joaquin Phoenix

Bearded Man of the Week: Sam Beam

Bearded Man of the Week: Prince William

Bearded Man of the Week: There Could Only Be One

Bearded Man of the Week: Zach Galifianakis

Top 5 Sex Scenes Starring Angelina Jolie

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 20:29:00 GMT

While compiling last week's Top 5 Sex Scenes From Action Movies, we started to realize 1) Angelina Jolie is in a boatload of action movies, 2) Angelina Jolie is naked in a boatload of action movies and 3) Angelina Jolie is naked in a boatload of movies...

5. The Good Shepherd. Angelina Jolie is the only total stranger we can think of who could somehow keep us turned on after demanding to know if we love her. Angie, please, we'd like you to learn our middle name and take a test on the Baltimore Colts first, okay?

4. Foxfire. This here's more of a slumber party sequence than a sex scene, but you won't be complaining. By the way, this is what every guy, aged 8 to 108, imagines women are doing when there are no boners around.

3. Original Sin. We're pretty sure Antonio Banderas does all these softcore porn flicks to get away from that nut Melanie Griffith, although it's hard to imagine any straight guy turning down a script that includes this scene. [By the way, for some reason the volume on this scene is much higher than our other clips. Sorry about that.]

2. Taking Lives. There are some technical problems with the sound in this vi-- oh, who's paying any attention to the bland dialogue and storyline of this movie anyway? Here are two sex scenes for the price of one. And ladies, that's your favorite up-and-comer Gerard Butler in the buff in scene two, which is actually (apparently) from Lara Croft: Tomb Raider.

1. Gia. It's possible you could get away with a Top 5 Sex Scenes Just From The TV Movie Gia, All Featuring Angelina Jolie list, especially if you include this as two separate sex scenes-- in the first, Angie has sex with a fence; in the second, she continues to nail the fence, while also including Lost's Elizabeth Mitchell in the action. Good Lord, it must be Friday...

You can check out more Jolie-Mitchell action from Gia in this clip.

Related:

From Porn Stars To Prostitutes... The Latest Ads

We Nominate... Marisa Tomei For Best Supporting Nipple Rings

Top 5 Sex Scenes From Action Movies

Top 5 Sex Scenes Set in the Great Outdoors

No, Wait, the Lithuanian Playboy Calendar Is What We Really Wanted

Bearded Man of the Week: Dr. Jack Shephard

Emily Farris — Thu, 22 Jan 2009 22:43:00 GMT

It's pretty obvious to everyone by this point that the LOST producers and writers have no idea what they're talking about. So we're not surprised that two of the producers last night called Dr. Jack Shephard's beard "gross." While we saw the beard in Season 4, it made a re-appearance in Season 5. And since stupid Ben Linus made Jack shave it off last night, we will honor the great beard that was, after the jump.

Yummy! Damn you, Benjamin Linus!

Related:

Bearded Man of the Week: Zach Galifianakis

Bearded Man of the Week: Sam Beam

Bearded Man of the Week: Joaquin Phoenix

Sloppy Seconds: Ever Wonder What Kind-of Idiot Falls for Nigerian Email Scams?

Emily Farris — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 00:28:00 GMT

Matthew Fox (a.k.a. hottie hot hot Dr. Jack Shephard) says it's "a relief" that LOST is finally coming to an end. While we agree that it would be nice to know what the-f the Black Smoke Monster is and where The Island went, we know we'll be lost without LOST. [Us]

As much as we're 'meh' about Will Smith, we have to agree with him: he does have the ears to play Barack Obama. [Daily Express]

Somebody did a study about Axe body spray, but we don't have the energy to sort out the results. [AdAge]

Would you like to know exactly where to find those jackasses who donated money to pass Prop8 live? Look no further. [eightmaps]

While we feel kind-of sorry for this kid who lost $150,000 of his parents' money to a Nigerian email scam we have to ask? Rly? Srsly? WTF? [Windsor Star]

Scanner Highs and Lows: In Which We Contemplate Tina Fey's Breasts

Emily Farris — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 23:57:00 GMT

To be fair, we also thought a lot about her scar and the rest of her body....

Highs:

We made some new friends.

We found lots and lots and lots of bearded men. All in one place.

But we still love this one.

We found the one guy in the world who didn't know what a "boner" was.

Our faith in humanity may wain, but our faith in cute animals never will.

Yes, rockstar babies are beautiful.

Our dad, and old people in general, are really, really, really cute.

We finally got a little bit of LOST.

And learned the origins of Tina Fey's scar.

Apparently we can get an abortion for Christmas ("No, Dad. The $400 will keep me up to date with all my girl check ups for four years.)

Did you hear the one about Anderson Cooper and Michael Phelps getting in the pool together?

Dita Von Teese in German Playboy.

Scanner Matt did not get any beard hair in any of his three turkeys.

Lows:

The world, including Tina Fey, made a big deal out of the fact that she used to be "fat." But hey, she had some knockers.

We're pretty sure these creamy cum crepes are for real. Somebody pass the gizz juice!

Eliot Spitzer got a blog job and didn't even consider writing for us. Jerk.

Grossgrossgrossgross.

Image via vanityfair.com

Video of the Day: A LOST Sneak Peek

Emily Farris — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 19:19:00 GMT

Mewhehahahaahooonh! That's the sound of us squealing with joy over the fact that someone released a two-minute sneak peek of the upcoming season of LOST (which doesn't premiere until January 21).

Two "lawyers" show up at Kate's door requesting a blood sample from her and Aaron. We're guessing it's Ben, using his power to make her run... because where is the one place she'll go where she'll never be found?

Anyway, clip after the jump.

Mewhehahahaahooonh!

Related:

"Lost" Writers Need Your Ideas. STAT!

Crush of the Week: The Newest Couple on "Lost" (With Bonus Boob Talk)

LOST Producers Throw Us a Bone, Disney Takes it Away

Video of the Day: Kate from "Lost" Is Looking to Meet Singles Just Like You

Happiness by the Numbers: Sex and TV

Emily Farris — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 16:52:00 GMT

We can pretty much all agree that the amount of sex you have often affects your happiness, but did you know that the amount of television you watch can also play a big role?

According to a new study, television can make you feel good in the short run but can contribute to longer-term unhappiness.

“These conflicting data suggest that TV may provide viewers with short-run pleasure, but at the expense of long-term malaise,” said Professor John Robinson. He also noted that earlier general satisfaction surveys also showed people rating TV below average as a significantly less satisfying free-time activity on the whole. “What viewers seem to be saying is that while TV in general is a waste of time and not particularly enjoyable, the shows I saw tonight were pretty good.”

Based on our own experiences, the short-term happiness the study alludes to is more of a distraction from long-term unhappiness.

According to the same study, "very happy" people had sex ten times more a year than unhappy people (who, we guess, must also watch a lot of TV).

When the hell does LOST come back on?

[By The Numbers: Study: Happy people watch less TV, have more sex]

Related:

ABC Chopped Down Scanner Emily's Happy Tree

Today in Disorders We'll Never Suffer From: Orthorexia

"Girlicious," Unfortunately Coming to a Television Near You

[Image]

LOST Producers Throw Us a Bone, Disney Takes it Away

Emily Farris — Thu, 23 Oct 2008 19:12:00 GMT

Apparently, yesterday promos for Season 5 of "LOST" were floating around on the interwebs... you know, the season we have to wait until NEXT YEAR for. But just as quickly as the promos arrived, they disappeared. Disney, being the greedy bastards they are, have apparently removed all traces of a "LOST" 2009 from the web—and before we even had a chance to see them! So, if anyone knows where we can catch even just a glimpse of Jack and Sun and Kate (even though we don't really like her, we miss her), do let us know in the comments section.

The Paris Hiltonization of South Korean Weddings

Emily Farris — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 18:32:00 GMT

Sometimes we forget how lucky we are to live a place where class doesn't have a whole helluva lot to do with what we accomplish in life and love. We've all seen that cute, smart guy marry the stupid white-trash girl and we've seen the smart, successful woman marry the unemployed stoner. As Sarah Palin has shown us, you can do anything as long as you want it bad enough; it's the beauty of America.

Unfortunately, in many cultures, marriages are still arranged or lovers are only allowed to marry within their social class. In South Korea, "weddings have become symbols of greed and waste, as families try to outdo each other with extravagant offerings. Houses have replaced housewares, while fur coats are now standard presents for new mothers-in-law."

It hasn't always been like that in South Korea, though.

From 1961-1979 under the rule of Park Chung Hee, strict rules were laid down about how weddings could be celebrated. "The 'family ritual code' limited the number of guests at weddings, as well as the amount that could be spent. The law was liberalized in 1985, a few years before the military regime gave way to democracy, and that's when the spending spree started."

"It's become ridiculous," says Kyeyoung Park, an anthropology professor at UCLA. "Now it's all about who is winning the game." The race to the top has gripped South Korea's upwardly mobile and competitive society. For much of Korean history, two traditional values—Confucian moderation, and the need to gain face—balanced each other out, but today, the latter has acquired the upper hand. "Traditionally you would exchange gifts of clothes among the extended family," says Tony Michell, a business consultant who has lived in Seoul for decades. "These days, people are talking about apartments and cars."

So, if we move to South Korea and marry someone we don't love, do we get one of these? And a little dog, too?

That would be so sweet!

It'd be just our luck that we'd end up like Sun, from "LOST"—pre crash.

[Psychology Today: Global Psyche: The Dowry Dilemma]

Related:

South Korea's Mind-Blowing Adultery Saga Continues

Live from New York: Fey and Poehler do Palin and Clinton

[Image]

While You Were Sleeping: James Franco and Sean Penn Go At It

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 13:39:00 GMT

Doris Lessing, our Hero In Residence, on the teen pregnancy "craze": "I hear girls saying, 'Oh I'm not going to bring a child into this wicked world,' which means they are going to be pregnant next week."

Happy 47th to Barack Obama yesterday. Unfortunately, his staff lost their big present to him.

The Eva Mendes Calvin Klein ad has been banned from TV:

Creative director Fabien Baron was flabbergasted that Mendes' nipple flash was deemed unacceptable for Middle American sensibilities:

“You must be kidding me. This country really needs a new president — this country is so messed up,” said Baron. “It’s such a joke and it’s quite upsetting, frankly, how hypocritical this country has become. It’s OK for children to see people killed by guns? Spreading a little love right now would be a good idea.

The worst appears to be over for Morgan Freeman.

Iggy & The Stooges just had their gear stolen in Montreal. All of it.

"Lost" wants your babies.

And James Franco and Sean Penn make out in the new Gus Van Sant film, Milk, about the tragic life of San Francisco's legendary Harvey Milk. Here's how Franco describes the scene:

He tells USA Today newspaper, "We're sitting on the curb, kissing... and it's not stopping. A minute doesn't sound like a long time, but, in front of 200 people, it's a long time. He (Penn) had a beard and the beard is scraping me. Afterwards, we were like, 'All right, how are those (Oakland) Raiders....'"

And Franco reveals Penn made sure he kept things light on the set - in between takes: "He would always ask me if my girlfriend was the better kisser."

Related:

Doris Lessing Be Trippin'?

Crazy White Supremacists-- Gasp!-- Hate Obama

"Acting With James Franco" Comes Pretty Close to Making Us Cry

The MTV Movie Awards: More Entertaining Than We Wanted Them To Be

Morgan Freeman Seriously Injured In Major Car Accident

Sloppy Seconds: Poor Bernie Mac, Morgan Freeman, and... OJ?

The Wire: We Was Robbed (of an Emmy Nomination)

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 15:40:00 GMT

The Wire, the HBO series which some critics believe is the closest thing to Shakespeare we've ever come, has failed in its final attempt to capture a Best Drama Emmy nod.

The lucky ones (Damages, 30 Rock) and the losers (Grey's Anatomy, many more), below...

Best comedy series: 30 Rock, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Entourage, The Office, and Two And A Half Men.

Someday (television) historians will look back and say... what, no "Flight of the Conchords?" And Two And A Half Men? What the fuck is that show?

Best drama series: Boston Legal, Damages, Dexter, House, Lost, Mad Men

It's hard to argue with these choices, except for the fact that The Wire would mop the floor with these shows if anyone actually compared them.

Other nominations of note:

1) Alec Baldwin and Tony Shalhoub face off in the Best lead actor in a comedy department.

2) 30 Rock's seventeen Emmy nominations is a record for a comedy series. Yes, it's that damned good.

3) Mad Men received 16 (!) nods... a week ago, you couldn't find sixteen Emmy voters who had heard of the show, let alone seen it. Hype works, people...

4) The nominations of Damages and Mad Men for best drama is unprecedented: never before has any basic cable series competed in this category.

5) The Wire was nominated for best writing, which it may win on the sympathy factor.

6) Grey's Anatomy and Desperate Housewives were virtually shut out. (Grey's Anatomy got Sandra Oh a best supporting actress nod.)

The full list of nominations is here. Commentary here and here.

What Do We Think About Vanity Fair's Fake Celebrities?

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 13:58:00 GMT

Who are these nyphms, Vanity Fair, and why should we care about them?

Here's the abridged survey:

AMANDA SEYFRIED Age: 22. Hometown: Allentown, Pennsylvania. Breakthrough roles: Karen in Mean Girls, Sarah on HBO’s Big Love. Upcoming film: Mamma Mia!

What We Like About Her:

Jimmy Choo or Christian Louboutin? “Prada. I don’t have any, but they make a woman’s leg look fantastic.” Favorite designer? “Miu Miu. I can’t afford it, but I love it.” Who do you dream of working with one day? Michael Caine. Xbox, Wii, or PlayStation? “Wii, because of Guitar Hero.”

What Makes Us A Little Weary:

Favorite movie? “Romeo and Juliet with Claire Danes. She was the first girl I related to in some way.” Hybrid or Escalade? “Audi. Maybe I should drive a hybrid. I do have a shirt that says, ‘Go Green.’ ”

EMMA ROBERTS Age: 17. Hometown: Rhinebeck, New York. Breakthrough roles: Addie Singer on Nickelodeon’s Unfabulous, title role in Nancy Drew. Upcoming film: Wild Child. First “Hollywood” moment? “I guess after my television show started airing, and I would be walking around the mall or just out with friends, and girls would come up to me and be like, ‘Oh my God, we love your show, we love this!’ And I would look around still, and be like, ‘Are they really talking to me?’ ”

What We Like About Her:

Chuck Taylors or Nikes? Chuck Taylors. Favorite movie? Almost Famous. American Idol or Lost? “Lost! I’m a huge Lost fan.”

What Makes Us A Little Weary:

Number of shoes in your closet? “Probably a little under 50.” Style icon? “I love the way Mary-Kate and Ashley dress. I know that’s probably cliché to say.”

BLAKE LIVELY Age: 20. Hometown: Burbank, California. Breakthrough roles: Bridget in Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, Serena van der Woodsen in Gossip Girl. Upcoming film: Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2.

What We Like About Her:

First “Hollywood” moment? “I hope not ever.” Jimmy Choo or Christian Louboutin? “Jimmy Choo and Chanel. I can’t stand it: the security guards know me there.” Favorite guy’s guy? “I’m dating Brad Pitt.” Favorite girl’s girl? Angelina Jolie. Favorite snack? “Whatever’s greasier and cheesier the better.” Hybrid or Escalade? “Hybrid. Even if anybody picked the Escalade they wouldn’t say it, ‘cause it’d be, like, bombed.”

What Makes Us A Little Weary:

Favorite movie? Wizard of Oz, Moulin Rouge!, Romeo and Juliet.

KRISTEN STEWART Age: 18. Hometown: North Hollywood, California. Breakthrough roles: Jodie Foster’s daughter in Panic Room, Tracy in Into the Wild. Upcoming films: Twilight, Adventureland, and What Just Happened?

What We Like About Her:

Chuck Taylors or Nikes? Converse. Favorite designer? “Oh, I don’t know. Anything that’s beat up. I kind of like to look like a hobo.” Role model? Jodie Foster. BlackBerry or iPhone? “I’m getting a BlackBerry. I don’t even have an e-mail address. I just need a phone that’s not gonna break.” What’s on your iPod? Van Morrison, the Beatles, the Rolling Stones. Last book you read? Under the Banner of Heaven, by Jon Krakauer. Morning or evening? “I’m a night person. I mean, look at me.” Hybrid or Escalade? “A ‘95 Toyota Tacoma.”

What Makes Us A Little Weary (okay, this didn't really make us weary):

Boy crush? “My boyfriend, Michael Angarano!”

Obviously, Blake Lively is a celebrity and Scanner digs her bad attitude and sort-of just-out-of-an-angry-publicist's-reach no-bullshit way of conducting interviews (thank God, there may be hope for intelligent life to come out of this generation), but what about the rest of them? Is Vanity Fair just manufacturing fame or will these four go on to big things? (Don't forget that many of the Vanity Fair cover models, including Gretchen Mol, peaked with their VF covers and haven't been heard from since.)

Photo and interview via Vanity Fair.

Video of the Day: The World's Greatest Slip 'N Slide

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 16 Jun 2008 17:58:00 GMT

When was the last time you saw professional athletes laughing and enjoying themselves, putting on a real show for the fans that has nothing to do with how many home runs their muscles have earned them or how much better than Michael Jordan they think they are? (Yeah, we mean you, Kobe Bryant.)

Over the weekend, the Texas Rangers faced the New York Mets at Shea Stadium, which is soon to be demolished. Unfortunately, the game, much like our Saturday and Sunday, got washed away. Thankfully, some Rangers players gave the long-suffering fans a treat when they turned the tarp-covered field into their very own gigantic slip 'n slide.

Sure, this is a trivial video and you only need to watch about thirty seconds to fully appreciate the story, but remember this: the notorious New York fans, in a rare display of national unity, actually chanted "Let's go, Rangers" as the players carried out their entertainment. Kinda warms the heart, doesn't it?

Lost: We Kind-Of Wish They'd Used These Alternate Endings

Emily Farris — Mon, 02 Jun 2008 18:42:00 GMT

VIA THE REMOTE ISLAND: Remember when we weren't too thrilled with the ending of Lost's season finale? Well, now it's even worse, 'cause we finally broke down and watched the two endings that they filmed but didn't use -- and they're both better than what we got. Maybe not in terms of overall plot cohesion -- but that's been a concern since when exactly?

While You Were Sleeping: The Scientologists Planned Their Invasion of New York

Emily Farris — Tue, 20 May 2008 14:41:00 GMT

Remember Silvio Berlusconi, the guy who hired the hot new Italian minister who was our Crush of the Week last week? Well, we now know she doesn't support "pointless" gay pride. If that means teddy bears (stuffed, not human) with nipple rings and rainbow t-shirts, we would almost get where she's coming from (because pierced teddy bears always freaked us out), but as a politician she probably shouldn't have said it out loud. Except it appears that's not what she meant at all. [Queerty]

Would you wear undewear-wear-wear-eh-eh-eh designed by Rihanna? [ICYDN]

If you look hard enough, you can see Angelina Jolie's nipple in this picture. [Fleshbot]

Oh Jesus, Pete Doherty has a son? Where is Sally Struthers when you need her? [GabbyBabble]

Only one cast member knows how LOST will end. We don't know if we want to know. Okay, we do, but we don't. Because we're a little disappointed with the way things are going lately. [Defamer]

Hide your babies (because they'll feel inadequate next to Suri) and your prescription drugs. Katie, Tom and Suri are headed for New York. That's right, Katie landed a role in Arthur Miller's "All My Sons" this fall and Tom is letting her do it. [Yahoo!]

Who Would You Rather?: Evangeline Lilly In A Manshirt or Tina Fey Scarfing A Sandwich

Bryan Christian — Fri, 02 May 2008 21:20:00 GMT

'Cause we're kind of torn. Click through for a pic of Ms. Lilly -- and make your voice be heard!

Sure, Evangeline Lilly's got some great stems on her. But dig how much Tina Fey's getting into that sandwich! It's obscene!

While You Were Sleeping: Michelle Rodriguez Talked About Her Vagina, Sex With Dogs

Emily Farris — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 13:13:00 GMT

The New York Times accidentally published a reporter's "terribly misspelled notes." But hey, we're lucky to get the first and last letter of a word down during a phone interview. Or ntes usuallly lok a lttl smthng ike this. [Wonkette]

Little Rudy Huxtable is going to play a hooker in the upcoming Tyler Perry movie. Remember when she rubbed cream on her chest to try and make her boobs come in? Yeah, where can we get some of that? [Yahoo!]

Pope Benedict XVI met with sex abuse victims. [NYT]

Some people have way too much time on their hands; we sometimes wish we were one of them. [Netorama]

We don't know if we've ever been more tempted to move back to the Midwest. A children's book explaining Mommy's plastic surgery? [Jezebel]

Another reason to move back to the Midwest would be experiencing shit like this first hand: an accidental pairing of a gun show billboard next to a gun safety PSA billboard. [Plog]

Michelle Rodriguez is as gay as Ashlee Simpson is pregnant: you may think you know, but she's not telling. And she'd like to let you (or us) know you're an asshole for even wondering. On people trying to "out her": "I picture them turning into pigs, slime coming out the side of their mouth, and I picture them jerking off. I don't answer those questions. I just keep it to myself and it's nobody's business. If I wanna fuck a girl, a boy, a dog—that's my business. That's why there's bathroom doors." Gee, she's about as fun as Ana Lucia. [GabbyBabble]

Sloppy Seconds: Sienna Miller Had a Bikini Malfunction, And We Have Pictures

Emily Farris — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 21:19:00 GMT

Christina Ricci is looking great, if a little too skinny, in the upcoming issue of Blackbook Magazine. [Pop on the Pop]

Aww. Geek love. Ain't it sweet? A programmer proposed to his girlfriend by reprogramming her favorite (cell phone?) game, Bejeweled, to actually do the asking once she reached a certain score. Score! [Yahoo!]

Are Michael and Dinah Lohan officially the worst parents in the history of the world? [FameCrawler]

We're all for people voting, but if we hear one more word from The Hills' Heidi Montag about this election, we're moving to China. Especially since she's NOT EVEN REGISTERED TO VOTE. [MTV]

Oh sweet baby Jesus Christ Lord, no. Or, yes? Britney Spears may soon reveal her deepest, darkest thoughts via video blog. [StarPulse]

Could we be any more excited about the fact that both "LOST" and "Grey's Anatomy" will have two-hour season finales? Unfortunately, no, we're just that dorky. [StarPulse]

If Uma Thurman has low self-esteem, is there any hope for the rest of us? [Celebrity Smack]

Well, hey, at least The Daily Mail is good for one thing: star bikini malfunctions. But might we suggest some straps for Ms. Miller? Or maybe she'll start a new trend like when she wore black underwear over black pantyhose. Seriously, we've been seeing that everywhere. [The Daily Mail]

Video of the Day: Kate from "Lost" Is Looking to Meet Singles Just Like You

Bryan Christian — Fri, 28 Mar 2008 15:56:00 GMT

No lie, guys, we are so hurting for more episodes of Lost. We've kind of always felt that way -- like, even in the worst of the third season, we'd be all like "God, I could watch this all night." Sorry, "we." Anyway, hey, we're not mentioning this just to whine or screw with our collective tenses. We're making a piss poor excuse for posting a video of Evangeline Lilly that's been on Google Video for a long time, since all the way back in... let's see, what does the video's page say... Wha? 2002? But... Google Video was invented in 2005, and Lost started in 2004... Holy shit, that guy with the timewarp theory is totally right!!!

(Ha, we kid. We don't know what the deal is with the dates, but the video's real... unless all these Diggers work for Bad Robot or something. Which when you think about it... that'd be crazy... or... would it?)

Sloppy Seconds: Eva Mendes' New Underwear Modeling Gig

Emily Farris — Fri, 21 Mar 2008 21:46:00 GMT

An Australian man was gunned down in his driveway by a robot packing a .22 semi-automatic pistol. Don't worry, though, the robots aren't taking over the world just yet. The man built the robot and programmed it to kill him.

Hey kids, if you're going to smuggle pot across international borders, why not use soda cans or text books? You know, something the kids are into these days. We hear The Hills DVDs are all the rage. We once had a boyfriend get a shit-ton of pot through airport security tucked deep into a jar of Nutella. But cans of vegetables? Hominy at that? Industrial size cans of hominy?!

If you haven't watched last night's LOST yet, then you probably don't want to click this link to find out which character is gay, gay, gay.

Speaking of gay, if you have any potentially gay kids hanging around, Good Morning America producers want to get their hands on them. No, not like that, pervert! They just want to exploit the kids in the name of journalism.

We love The Internets and all, but proposing via Twitter? After being together for fifteen years? Maybe the couple should limit their sex life to instant messages and build robot babies and take virtual tours of places they'd like to vacation together. (Sorry, we're really worried we're beginning to exist only on online, so these things kind-of get to us.)

Eva Mendes is fresh out of rehab and will soon be modeling underwear for Calvin Klein. The sexy actress is already a spokesperson CK's fragrance line, but now she'll be half nekkid and smell good.

Image of Eva Mendes NOT modeling Calvin Klein underwear via chinadaily.com.cn

"Lost" Writers Need Your Ideas. STAT!

Emily Farris — Thu, 20 Mar 2008 16:15:00 GMT

Is Jin really dead or is he still on the Island? Does Ji Yeon really not belong to Jin after all? Because the time/space continuum was all fucked up and even though it looked like Sun was eight weeks pregnant on Juliette's ultrasound and they thought they'd been on the island more than eight weeks, maybe they actually hadn't? Because wouldn't she be dead right now if she'd conceived on the Island? Even if she got off?

And what the fuck is the four-toed statue? And the black smoke monster? And what does it have to do with time travel? And who is the guy on the ship with the big teeth and the wife beater? And why do I hate him so much?

Is it really 1988 on the Island? Is that why Locke can walk? Because the 2004 version of the passengers of flight Oceanic815 landed in the ocean while the 1988 version is on the Island, alive and still kicking? But how does that explain Aaron? Wouldn't Claire have gone back to being, like, four? Ah! Aaron? Fucking Kate! Ahhhhhhh!

Well, the writers of "Lost" seem to be just as lost as we are because they want you to upload your "video theories" to ABC.com. This is their super-clever, "interactive" way of asking you to do their job, because apparently, they've dug themselves a plot so deep, even they can't find their way out of it.

From ABC.com:

"What's happening to the survivors of Oceanic Flight 815? Who are the Others? What is the island and where is everybody? Tell us what you think! Upload your LOST video theory now!"

Hey, how about you tell us what you think, and we'll tell you if you're right? Eh?

We had to actually sign-up for an account at ABC.com and give them our address (though we gave a fake one) to get this information, but they've done a good job of covering their asses if that's what they're really up to.

We are pleased to hear from our visitors and welcome your comments regarding our products and services. Unfortunately, however, our long-standing company policy does not allow us to accept or consider unsolicited creative ideas, suggestions or materials. We hope you will understand that it is the intent of this policy to avoid the possibility of future misunderstandings when projects developed by us or under the direction of us might seem to others to be similar to their own creative work. Please do not send us any unsolicited materials such as ideas, concepts, pitches, suggestions, stories, screenplays, treatments, formats, artwork, photographs, drawings, videos, audiovisual works, musical compositions (including lyrics), sound recordings, program formats, characterizations and/or other similar materials ("Unsolicited Submissions").

Nope, just send your "theory."

Here's one theory we think is pretty likely, though it still doesn't answer all of our questions. Will anything, ever, answer all of our questions? What can explain the black smoke monster, the four-toed statue and the corroding wombs? And how can it all be wrapped up by 2010?

[ABC.com: Lost Theories: Upload Your Video!]

[Previously on Scanner: Video of the Day: What the F*ck Happens Next in LOST?]

Sloppy Seconds: Julianne Moore Calls Eliot Spitzer "A F*cking Embarrassment"

Emily Farris — Wed, 12 Mar 2008 21:27:00 GMT

Actress Julianne Moore is pissed about soon-to-be-former governor Eliot Spitzer's sex scandal, calling it "a fucking embarrassment." We wonder how much she donated to his campaign. We didn't donate any time or money to Eliot, so we're a little underwhelmed by the whole thing.

Holy shit. A recent study has found that one in four teenage girls has a sexual infection. This makes us feel either really old or really naive.

Ladies, just in case you were wondering where all the single guys are, here's a map with ratios of single women to single men... further evidence that if we don't want to turn into a Sex and the City character or a bag lady, we need to get the hell out of New York City.

Once your character dies on LOST, there's not much to do but move on to another career until everybody forgets that you're Charlie, from Drive Shaft.

Some crazy guys are trying to save Neverland Ranch before Michael Jackson's face implodes. Well, they're at least trying to save Neverland Ranch.

Crush of the Week: The Newest Couple on "Lost" (With Bonus Boob Talk)

Bryan Christian — Mon, 10 Mar 2008 21:00:00 GMT

Maybe you didn't see last week's episode of the best show ever set on an island not to feature Hervé Villechaize? Well, seeing as how we're trying to provide a spoiler-free experience here, you might wanna move along (or maybe come back after catching up). Otherwise, see ya after the jump.

Hooray to Jack and Juliet for finally getting a good liplock in at the end of last week's episode! We've long since lost interest in any Jack/Kate hookup happening. They're, like, practically exes already with all the ups and downs they've had, so it's hard to imagine them getting together and not having it be miserable and co-dependent, pretty much anything but hot (a theory bolstered by all the new flash-forwards). But Jack and Juliet! People that hot and that bossy should have been getting it on weeks ago! True, they're also not a particularly joyful couple, but hey, at least they have yet to be miserable over each other. And, as a couple, they make sense: she's already read his file -- something more than a few women wish they could say about their relationships -- and he's probably relieved at the prospect of hooking up with someone who he's not trying to fix. At least, not fix internally. If Juliet's got a problem that needs Jack's attention, his name is Ben, and pretty much everyone on that island wants that problem to go away.

Which, it should be said, doesn't give us much hope for them in the long-term. There's been no indication in the flash-forwards that Juliet makes it off the island, and Ben definitely seems the type to take Juliet out if he can't have her. But we're hoping that, for at least a few episodes anyway, we're gonna see them both grab a little bliss where they can. And that's long overdue for them both. And for that, they are our Crush of the Week.

And while we're on the subject, can we just ask: does anyone continue to be amazed by Elizabeth Mitchell's rack? It, like, comes out of nowhere sometimes and then we can't get it out of our minds.

Video of the Day: What the F*ck Happens Next in LOST?

Emily Farris — Fri, 07 Mar 2008 21:20:00 GMT

This makes us a little sad for the future of our new favorite ~~show~~ obesssion.

via videosift.com

Scanner Highs and Lows: We Like to Play Dress Up

Emily Farris — Fri, 08 Feb 2008 21:57:00 GMT

It's true, we like to put on high heels and feather boas and maybe, just maybe, we'll get dressed up to go to the theater.

HIghs:

We found a reason to maybe love theater again.

We voted. Did you?

Scanner Emily lived out her burlesque fantasy, and realized she does everything better in heels.

Yet another reason for us to run around in high heels.

Lows:

Bobby Tisdale learned he may be a little creepy. You know, in a good way.

LOST's Sawyer really let us down. Really.

These guys scared the hell out of all of us.

We recognized the one-year anniversary of Anna Nicole Smith's death.

[Image via risquebusiness.co.uk]