Scanner : Liars

While You Were Sleeping: Paul Newman’s Gay Affair

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 15 May 2009 14:02:00 GMT

Free mp3’s from the likes of She & Him, Robyn Hitchcock, and Shawn Mullins can be yours if you donate so much as one dollar to save Paste Magazine.

We really feel bad for this woman who cried in her mugshot photo, even though she put up an ad on an elevator wall offering sex for money and gave out her real phone number.

Tom Hanks is upset his Angels and Demons sex scene was cut for the PG-13 rating.

John Mayer sends text messages that say “I want to tuck you in” when he really means a word that starts with “f” instead of “t,” according to the ever-reliable New York Post.

Hey Brits– the best breasts are in Yorkshire.

Gerard Butler has been charged with beating up a pap.

Shanna Moakler asked Carrie Prejean to “stop lying.”

And a new book claims Paul Newman and James Dean slept together. That seems believable– if we were forced at gunpoint to have sex with another man, it would have to be one of these two in their prime.

Sloppy Seconds: Bobby Jindal Is A Big, Fat Liar

Emily Farris — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 22:05:00 GMT

Some whack job is in custody after mailing HIV-tainted blood to President Obama. [CNN]

As if you needed more reasons to have sex. [Physorg]

Oh no! Ed McMahon is hospitalized with pneumonia, and he's in serious condition. Can this poor guy not get a break? [Us]

It appears Jessica Capshaw will remain on the cast of "Grey's Anatomy" for at least the duration of the current season. And you know what that means: more hot, lesbian doctor action! [AfterEllen]

Hey, remember that heartwarming story about Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal standing shoulder to shoulder with a sheriff who was trying to rescue people during Hurricane Katrina? Yeah, turns out it was a big, fat lie. [TPMMuckraker]

[Image]

Woman Leads Cops Right to Her Liaison with Previous Victim

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 15:49:00 GMT

Sheila Langman may not be the most intelligent person.

She was arrested in October for having sex with a fifteen-year-old boy, pled not guilty, and is awaiting trial. That isn't why she's an idiot. We find her guilty of that charge because she couldn't resist a little V-Day affair with the same kid, even though she knew the police were monitoring her every move...

According to the Northwest Florida Daily News:

Sheila Langman, 38, was under GPS monitoring, according to the Santa Rosa County Sheriff's Office. At about 7:40 p.m. Friday, investigators say their alarm went off because she was near the boy's home.

Deputies tracked her and pulled her over on Misty Meadow Lane - about a mile from her own house on Parker Lake Circle - where they say the boy was in her car.

After her initial arrest in October, a judge ordered Langman, a former cheerleading coach, not to have any unsupervised contact with minors. And a perimeter around the boy's home was an "exclusionary zone" she wasn't allowed to enter.

Langman was originally arrested after a complaint was made to the Department of Children and Families, not necessarily by a family member. Police and prosecutors allege the cheerleading coach and her young man engaged in sex on multiple occasions last summer.

Oh, and in case you think this is a very, very sexy story for some bizarre reason (well, after all, the kid got in the car with her again last week), you might want to avoid seeing this mugshot.

Via NWFDailyNews.

Related:

Woman With the Best Perv Name Ever to Be Sentenced For, Well, Being a Perv

Hostel-Owning Perv Learns to Shut His Spy Hole

We Present... The Cougar Perv

While You Were Sleeping: Sarah Palin Is A Big, Whiny Phony

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 14:08:00 GMT

A teacher kissed his sixteen-year-old student three times, his wife found out, and he resigned his position. Then, whoops, it turned out he hadn't done anything illegal.

That investment adviser who tried to fake his own death via plane crash was caught in Florida.

Guess which television personality said this to Kate Winslet: "I love the fact that you have real breasts?" Conan? Bill O'Reilly? Sean Hannity?

Kate Winslet was on Oprah today, and Ms. Winfrey made a point of talking about the sexually explicit flick The Reader. "In all the scenes, your breasts do what real breasts do," Oprah mused.

"I love the fact that you have real breasts," Oprah gushed to Kate... "God bless your real breasts." Kate, ever the good sport, said, "Thank you," and the audience burst into applause as the two women clasped hands in a real-breast-love-fest. [Jezebel]

Is this the first arrest via Facebook?

STD rates continue to climb, in spite of brave CNN's noble efforts to alert us.

The parents of Drew Peterson's girlfriend sound way too nonchalant about this. Whatever happened to a baseball bat and a loud "you stay away from my daughter, you hear?!"

Even pointing out what a lying idiot Sarah Palin is has become an utter waste of time, since she won't even acknowledge it when every one of her accusations turn out to be bullshit.

For a stupid Nike commercial masquerading as a YouTube video, this is pretty funny-- although we still could care less about Taylor Momsen, whoever that is. (To offset the fact that we're basically linking to an ad, you should buy Reebok or any other brand instead.)

Photo of Taylor Momsen via Gawker.

Dumbest Person Ever? Pregnant Woman Gives Birth on Rollercoaster

This Blog Has Been Rated NC-17

Chloe Sevigny Would Like More Topless Sex Scenes, Please

Scanner Emily vs. Sarah Palin

Emily Farris — Tue, 13 Jan 2009 21:41:00 GMT

Sarah Palin hates me. So much so that she recently slammed me (and a few of my friends and colleagues if I'm being honest here) in Esquire.

"Bored, anonymous, pathetic bloggers who lie annoy me….I'll tell you, yesterday the Anchorage Daily News, they called again to ask — double-, triple-, quadruple-check — who is Trig's real mom,” she said, in an interview to be published in the magazine’s March issue.

Perhaps she thinks "Emily Farris" is a pseudonym, or maybe she was alluding to the whole "Scanner Emily" thing, because the bored, pathetic, lying part is right on.

Let's take a little trip down memory lane to September 5, 2008:

Top 5 Rumors We'd Like to Start About Sarah Palin... But Won't

Or perhaps our September 2 story was more your style:

Real or Fake: Nude Sarah Palin Photo?

What about October 4?

Sarah Palin Was not the First Chick to Fire an Automatic Weapon in a Bikini

Hey, at least there was some truth in our coverage of the election on October 7:

Sarah Palin Proves that Sparkles are Just as Important as Foreign Policy Experience

[CNN Politicker: Palin slams 'bored, anonymous, pathetic bloggers who lie']

Frenchmen Either Have the Biggest Dicks... or Are the Biggest Liars

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 16:56:00 GMT

The French claim to have the biggest dongs in Europe, stretching them out to an average of 6.1 inches, according to a very questionable new study.

And no one's questioning it more than the Greeks... those poor, poor things...

The Institute of Condom Consultancy, which has long been developing a spray-on condom, released a report today that found that the French buy the biggest condoms, which could mean they have the biggest dicks or-- hello, ICC, you idiots-- the French a) buy condoms that are too big for their own penises or b) they are liars. Or they do have the biggest dicks-- who knows? The only thing we do know is that the men of Greece are ready for a violent takeover of the ICC building, wherever that is.

Greek men reported (yes, you could self-report this survey-- who, clocking in at under a foot, wouldn't add an inch or two?) a measly 1.2 inch average for their wangs. But forget that for a second-- check out a line we liberated from the press release:

The study was conducted in order to educate young people about the need for effective contraception.

How in the hell does it do that? Weirdos.

Related:

The Giant Penis Is Watching Over You

Scanner's Rules for Polar Bear Impregnation

Masterminds of Piss-Related Innovation and Design About to Become Convicts

Scanner Highs and Lows: Because We Have Nothing Better To Do on a Friday Night

Sloppy Seconds: Pete Wentz and His Penis (and His Wife!) Win the Weird Baby Name Game

Lost Your Penis in the Penal System? Washington State Has 300 G's For Ya

Burger King Wants You To Have $100... No, Seriously, Take The Money...

The Third And Final Debate... Here's Your Drinking Game!

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 15 Oct 2008 21:21:00 GMT

After the first two debates (and the letdown of a VP showdown), we don't blame you for falling asleep at the mere idea of watching tonight's final contest. (Mainly since it won't actually be a contest, just a 90-minute clusterfuck of boring vs. boring vs. boring questions. Or something.)

Thankfully, someone has come up with the only thing worth doing this evening: drinking "Fundamentally Strong Cocktails" and playing McLiar Bingo... with prizes like a pancake, a condom (which McCain isn't sure what do with), or a tax rebate check for seven cents, the best you can hope for under his tax plan...

Among the highlights from the Bingo Board:

-Troopergate report cleared Palin of any wrongdoing. (We don't Obama will go there, although this is an easy one to call his opponents on.)
-ACORN is committing voter fraud on behalf of Obama. (Every political campaign we've ever worked on has had some paid field worker turn in obviously false petitions or had someone write Mickey Mouse or Ben Dover on their voter registration forms.)
-Obama will increase spending by $900 billion. (See, this is how you win-- if McCain says this, plus four more lies that appear on your Bingo card, you win... again, probably a pancake or other fitting prize, but it's still nice to win, right?)

And don't forget the cocktails:

The Blackberry n' Soda

Because you need all the distractions you can get when you don't know what to do about the economy, so why not make something up, something technological and cool that you invented.

Fill glass with ice, 1/4-1/3 blackberry vodka, finish with club soda and maybe a squeeze of something naturally sour.

Via Pinocchio Politics.

Related:

Do Ten Shots Every Time Biden Mentions Indians And 7-11

It's Friday, And There's Just Too Much Good Stuff To Squeeze It All In

The 99 Most Degrading Sex Acts... There Has To Be One More, No?

McCain Sabotages His Own Attempt To Save The Nation

The Foo Fighters Would Like John McCain to Stop Comparing Himself to Kurt Cobain

CNN Discovers Why Men Cheat (Gasp! It's About Their Feelings)

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 14:50:00 GMT

Second only to the New York Times for being last to figure out what's going on Planet Earth, the Cable News Network is not exactly known for breaking cultural news or actually telling us anything we don't already know. So it's no surprise that they've taken to publishing Oprah.com's columns on their website in lieu of doing their own fact-finding...

...and the results are predictable.

Among the shock revelations:

"It's not about blaming the wife. It can't be. I mean, cheating is ridiculous. It's wrong. And you can't justify it,"

Okay so far...

What's the number one reason men cheat? Ninety-two percent of men said it wasn't primarily about the sex.
"The majority said it was an emotional disconnection, specifically a sense of feeling underappreciated. A lack of thoughtful gestures..."

Like BJ's and letting him film your threesome.

Josh says he cheated on his wife, Jennifer, because he felt underappreciated at home and started feeling insecure. "That insecurity was really the catalyst," he says. "I didn't feel comfortable going to the one person in the world I should be going to, which is my wife."

We're sorry, but you were insecure? And Oprah is letting this guy get a free ride?! We're sorely disappointed.

Men have a winning mentality.

Except when they're cheating losers.

"Does he have ownership in the team? It looks like that. But as long as they're in the game, even to the very end, they'll watch. Once it's a blowout and they know their team can't win, television goes off. And what a lot of men will say to me through this research is, 'I just felt like I couldn't win.'"

A sports metaphor for talking about men? Please, go on for a few more paragraphs like this, it isn't tiresome or cliche at all...

For the first five years of his marriage, AJ says things were rocky with his wife, Janet. "We got to the point where we were really living in separate parts of the house. I went downstairs every time I came home from work..."

The Oprah guru goes on to say AJ eventually cheated on his wife. Honestly, we're not sure the word "cheated" is appropriate, though technically correct, in this case. You were living in separate wings of the house? Unless AJ is a cover for "William J. Clinton," we're pretty sure this guy's marriage was going to end anyway...

But maybe you have a different opinion. Hating on CNN and this stupid story? Not debatable, sorry.

Via CNN Living.

Related:

While You Were Sleeping: Mike Myers Is An Inglorious Bastard

This Week In Gayness: Guys Making Out On CNN

CNN Hasn't Been Getting Many Second Dates

Ladies, If You're Not In The Mood, CNN Is Here To Save You...

The Veep Deba(cle): Why Everybody Loses

Sloppy Seconds: Demi Moore And Her Boob Squirt

What'll Happen To Sarah Palin?

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 02 Sep 2008 14:02:00 GMT

This is nothing against Sarah Palin-- after all, all GOP candidates are a little bit frightening, a little bit awesome in their determination and genuine will to make the world a better place-- but is she doomed?

No one here in Minneapolis is even talking about the convention. Every conversation at every restaurant in town is centered around one question: what's going to happen to Governor Palin, what with all these rumors and controversies that are swirling around her...

First, there was this e-mail, which we received from reader profrobert on Friday, alerting us to the possibility that Palin's fifth daughter, born less than five months ago, is not hers.

But what would be even more incredible is if it's NOT true: http://www.ktuu.com/global/story.asp?s=8194634

This means her water broke in Texas. She hung around to give a 30-minute speech. She then went to the airport and GOT ON A PLANE. TO ALASKA. I don't know where she was in Texas, but DFW-ANC non-stop is a seven-hour flight.

He makes a great point: who is this person who has her water break and then waits around not only to give a speech but for a plane to take her across most of the entire fucking continent. Her husband claims that a) they just wanted the baby to be 100% Alaskan and b) that his daughter's five month or so absence from school was the result of a bad case of mono. Suuuuuuure it was...

So, of course, the liberal blogosphere goes batshit over the story but no mainstream media outlet wants anything to do with it. Gustav sweeps Palin off the front pages, then the RNC delay further buries the rumors. Meanwhile, Palin is at a rally where she doesn't address the rumors but causes another stir by saying:

“Then we have our daughter Bristol, she’s on the bus with the newborn, and then we have our daughter Willow, who is here, and our youngest daughter Piper,” Ms. Palin said as she introduced her family. “On that bus we have our son, Trig, who is a beautiful baby boy we welcomed into the world just in April..."

Of course, Palin's phrasing would've been completely normal under any other circumstances. But conspiracy theorists flipped again, saying Palin wasn't even saying the words "her" and "baby" one after the other, implying that perhaps Palin is setting herself up to eventually confess to lying. Meanwhile, photos showing that Palin had no baby bump during her pregnancy were all deleted from the Governor's official websites. (We are trying our best to stay out of this, but must add that we defy anyone to locate photos of Palin in the nine months leading up to April 2008 in which she appears pregnant. As soon as an un-Photoshopped photo comes our way, we'll believe her version of the events.)

Then, the bigger story: Palin announces the same daughter is currently five month's pregnant, thus ruling out the possibility of Bristol having already given birth just a few months ago. And while we believe this, again, it doesn't rule out the possibility that Palin is lying: after all, no one is going to ask her to prove conception date. For all we know, she's really only a few months pregnant and that, by the time the baby's born, it will be too late for anyone to stop Palin from becoming Vice President because of the lie. (Side note: Bristol's boyfriend is a self-proclaimed "redneck" who says on his MySpace profile that he doesn't want kids. Wonderful.)

Meanwhile, the Troopergate story (as winking bloggers are referring to it), the mere mention of which earned us a drubbing from her supporters in a previous post, has knocked the pregnancy story off the front pages, albeit for a fairly innocus reason: Palin just now hired a lawyer to defend her in the two-month old investigation. Hmmm....

In any case, the liberal HuffPo has realized Palin is a weak spot on the ticket (we've heard that from numerous fence sitters among the Minneapolis public.) Here's what their front page looked like in the wee hours of this morning:

... TOP GOP GOVERNOR: I'VE HEARD NO DISCUSSION ABOUT REMOVING MS. PALIN FROM THE TICKET ...

'Fringe' Alaskan Secessionist Party: Palin Was A Member... Almost Recalled As Mayor... Directed Fundraising For Indicted Senator's 527... Troopergate Scandal... Calls Iraq A War For Oil... Admits She Hasn't 'Really Focused On Iraq'... Alaska National Guard General: Palin Plays No Role In National Defense... 17 Year-Old Daughter Pregnant...

Also, did you guys hear the Fox News commentator and others pick up the talking point that Palin has "national security experience" because Alaska is "so close to" Russia? What? That's like saying Scanner Nicole and I have foreign policy experience because we're located near Denmark.

All this adds up to one thing: Palin, as a VP candidate, is in trouble. The rumors we're hearing from reliable GOP sources center on two possibilities: 1) Palin may drop out, citing family commitments, and time this withdrawal so that McCain's second choice will be accepted without question by GOP leadership, for fear of losing the election if they don't immediately unite or 2) Palin will continue to cause McCain problems to the point where he will drop Palin himself, but in favor of a female candidate or even Joe Lieberman.

While both seem highly unlikely events, either of them is much less far-fetched now than they were even 24 hours ago...

We'll have more on this story during the next two days of convention coverage...

EXCLUSIVE: McCain-Palin Internal Talking Points Memo Leaked To Scanner

Scanner Roundtable: What Did We Think About The DNC & Obama's Speech?

RNC Day One: Total Anarchy

Scanner Highs And Lows: Michael Phelps Rules The Blog

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 21:55:00 GMT

We held onto the Olympics for dear life, we'll admit, but after this last look back at the week's highlights, it may be time to say adios...

...until next week, when more nude Olympians are sure to grace us with their leaked online photos... or maybe Republicans are caught with strippers...

HIGHS:

...since Democrats don't seem to enjoy them.

We have to hand it to John McCain for making it an historic election now, no matter who wins.

Enough about McCain, here's to a true hero: Michael Phelps, who is now spending his days giving kids swimming lessons, apparently.

Matthew McConaughey's mom is kind of a sexual hero, in a way. Really.

We're proud to have had a transgender Crush of the Week, although we're pretty sure she won't go out with us no matter how much we kiss her ass.

Eva Longoria Circa A Few Years Ago is kind of our runner-up Crush of the Week.

LOWS:

This post would've been called Last of the Nude Olympians... if they were actually Olympians.

Hopefully, Olympians won't have to stoop to making straight-to-DVD sex movies. Blurry sex tapes will do just fine, thanks.

If you were wondering why we enjoy photos of women athletes who have bodies like rocks (of Gibraltar), a reminder of a possible alternative.

So we've established Ms. Marsh is not among the sexy people... are you?

Seriously, we do wish Mulder luck in rehab, despite what you may think.

This guy is world's worst liar.

Something we can all argue about civilly: this show may or may not be terrible.

Speaking of lying, somebody lied to us when they said Toy Story was animated, damn it.

Controversial New Yorker Cover Even Dumber Than We First Thought

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 12:50:00 GMT

The New Yorker's cover this week is the most controversial topic to hit the political scene since Reverend Jeremiah Wright. The cover has been met with universal scorn on the blogs, while both campaigns gave statements condemning it...

David Remnick, the magazine's editor, has defended his choice against an overwhelming public outcry, claiming this is satire. Here's why we disagree with his choice to run it:

1) Remnick claims satirical privilege, as if that will stop the scrutiny. In any case, this isn't satire-- at least not satire that anyone with any brain cells would attempt to pass off as such. Satire is a picture of McCain groping his mistress (or a lobbyist?) while his wife robs her charity's medicine cabinet-- as since that's a true depiction with a satirical bent, you wouldn't be feeding a lie.

2) Remnick wants an "attack" on the "lies and misconceptions" about the Senator, but where in this entire picture do you see any lies being attacked, rather than perpetuated, unchecked? (If anything it's America that's being attacked, clearly by the Obama Family.) Now, is it the editor's fault most morons will see this cover and think, "So he is one of them Muslim terrorists"? No, but it's still his fault, especially as a self-proclaimed satirist, for not even trying to make them see the truth.

3) Remnick calls his cover "Colbert in print." Yeah, but when comedians goof on Obama, it's actually funny, dude. Tell me where the jokes are-- if this had said Republican National Committee Newsletter at the top and not The New Yorker, it wouldn't have been any less hysterical.

Yes, yes, we know-- this would technically almost sort of qualify it as satire. But we're not arguing definitions-- we're arguing stupidity, necessity, purpose, effectiveness of said satire, and message. On all those levels, this cover fails. As political hackwork for John McCain, this succeeds tremendously.

Lindsay Lohan: Lies My Father Told Me

Emily Farris — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 16:12:00 GMT

We've made fun of Lindsay Lohan in the past, but now we just feel sorry for her. Her family fucking sucks.

Not only is Lindsay's mom exploiting the family on reality TV, her dad — who has been in and out of jail and blabbed to the press once Lindsay finally found somebody to love — has proven himself to be an even bigger asshole than we could have possibly imagined.

Gawker somehow got their hands on a copy of a recent voicemail Michael Lohan left for Lindsay. In said voicemail we learn that Michael is a liar and that the timeline of his relationship with his daughter revolves around her movie roles.

Read the message after the jump.

Or listen to it here.

"I've been trying to reach you for a week now. I know that you were annoyed that I gave an interview and my need to comment about the people you are around, and obviously you took offense to it. Honey, I'm sorry. I am telling you, I just love you. And I promise you, I absolutely promise you, I will not mention your name in the press, at all, ever again.

One of the reasons why I got so concerned is because we used to talk all the time. We were always texting, and then the texting was sporadic. You weren't returning phonecalls, so I was concerned. Look, I love you honey. Please, please don't do this anymore. Pick up the phone and talk to me. Everything from now on is between you and me. And I promise you, I will not go back on it, I will not break my word...

I promise you, I'll keep questions out of the press, when it comes to you I promise. Just please, please, honey, call me or pick up the phone. You need to promise me.

Back when everything was going in the right direction, and so a lot of the same things happening and you end up very worried about it. (And the whole reason why), when how things were, (......) were together, when you were climbing, and Mean Girls and ever since Herbie, when I was out of your life, everything started to unwind—all these things didn't do well—and so on, so forth. And how people are blaming me because you're not getting roles or something? (End Of Message)

[Gawker: Papa Lohan's Voicemail Lies: 'Everything from now on is between you and me']

Related:

Michael Lohan Sells Out Lindsay Once Again

Michael Lohan: The Only Person on Earth Who Won't See Lindsay Lohan's Breasts

Lynne Spears Will Not Let Dina Lohan Out-Exploit Her

Is Lindsay Lohan Engaged?

Ali Lohan and Her Little Dog, Too

We Call BS On The Onion's Topless Cello Players Story

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 15:52:00 GMT

Yes, we know the Onion is not a genuine source of news. However, the A.V. New York page, which has listings, interviews, and reviews is a legitimate source of information. Which is why we were puzzled by their claim to having uncovered a "tradition of playing cello topless to whales"...

From the Onion (April 17 - 23, New York edition):

"Apparently there's a tradition of playing cello topless to whales among at least a few serious followers of the fine art of whale-song. It's probably not widespread, but it makes a lot of sense as a practice when you think about it."
-Andy Battaglia

Battaglia then goes on to announce a genuine event, the New York Public Library's symposium on whales, which took place on Saturday. But nowhere could we find any record of anyone ever playing the cello topless... to whales. Charlotte Moorman, pictured above, was famous (for about two minutes) for playing the cello topless in the City, so maybe Battaglia is confused. He certainly doesn't cite his sources-- then again, no one ever does at the Onion.

We're kidding-- although not about this story, mainly because we were looking forward to uncovering a whole host of Google Images of hot women cello players, topless, crying like Hayden Panettiere over their favorite sea creatures...

Stereogum and Liars/Xiu Xiu/Final Fantasy Do Björk's "Post"

Bryan Christian — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 20:44:00 GMT

We dug the hell out of OKX, Stereogum's track-by-track cover tribute to Radiohead's OK Computer, but Drive XV (their take on REM's Automatic for the People) is taking a while to grow on us. It's not the bands they brought on to cover the songs, you understand, 'cause they're great; it's just, you know, we're still a little bitter about Monster or something.

Anyhow, maybe we'll ditch Drive XV for a while, because Stereogum's put a new cover tribute project out, and it's a doozy.

After discarding our release-date almanac, someone suggested Björk. It was late, and we don't remember who said what, but it was a great idea. Debut, her first post-Sugarcubes album came out in 1993, which could count for a nice and even 15 years in 2008, but Post was the obvious choice: It's a stronger album top to bottom -- a culmination of her work to that point. It includes any number of iconic tracks and due to the richness and variety of Björk's self-described "spastic" palette, an infinite number of interpretive possibilities.

Amen to that. Run don't walk to get downloads -- they tend to pull them down after a few weeks.

Shocker: Tom Cruise And Katie Holmes Marriage A Sham!

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 10 Mar 2008 15:00:00 GMT

A former member of the cult of Scientologists has outed Tom Cruise! Okay, not in that way... but tipster Marc Headley, formerly of L. Ron Hubbard's alternate universe, has been speaking to the press, confirming the rumors we know to be true about Tom's marriage to Katie Holmes...

[Scientology leader David] Miscavige assigned a high-ranking official with the order: 'Find a wife for Tom Cruise.' The official put out a casting call to female actresses, including Scientologists, saying, 'There's an upcoming Tom Cruise movie you might get a part in. Come for an audition.' But in the end no movie was made. They had to be single, they had to be pretty and in their 20s.

That's according to Marc Headley, the church's commercial-maker and possibly with an axe to grind, speaking to the admittedly very trustworthy News of the World, confirming the earlier rumors about Scarlett Johnasson's involvement in this whole affair. Johansson, like many of the other mail-order fiancees (Erika Christensen and Sofia Milo among them) showed up for a phony movie audition so they could be ogled by the androgynous Thomas Mapother the 4th.

When [Johansson] arrived at the audition address and found out it was the Scientology Center in Hollywood she freaked out and didn't do a tape... So they worked the audition tape on Katie, got her to L.A. and introduced her to Tom. The moment he meets her, he's enthralled with her and he told Miscavige later, 'I knew immediately she was the one.'"

Awwwwww... puke. Now, would someone please confirm Tom Cruise is in fact bisexual (at the least) so we can end his career already? Not because he's bisexual, but because he's a phony and a whimp for not being upfront about wanting to bone Rob Thomas. Enough of these people!

[Photo: AOL]

[Link via Starpulse]

Princeton Anti-Sex Crusader Obviously Confused About "Self-Abuse"

Bryan Christian — Wed, 19 Dec 2007 19:13:00 GMT

Over at Talking Points Memo, Josh Marshall relates the story of one Francisco Nava, a conservative junior at Princeton who made a name for himself in the school newspaper with an article entitled "Princeton's Latex Lies" (nice title!!!), wherein he claimed that a campus condom handout program was "tacit sponsorshp of hook-up sex."

Soon Nava [and others] began receiving a series of email death threats telling Nava, among other things, to "shut the f-ck up", that "you are not welcome here" and that "we will destroy you." [...] And the outrage only spiraled further out of control when Nava claimed that on Friday evening two pro-sex [!!!] advocates wearing black clothes and ski caps accosted Nava near campus and severely beat him...

... leaving his face badly bruised and swollen and the other campus conservatives up in arms.

No what do you suppose is gonna be the big twist ending of this little tale?

After finding discrepancies in Nava's account of the beating, Princeton Township detectives confronted Nava. And Nava admitted fabricating both the bogus assault and the campaign of pro-sex, anti-Anscombe Society death threats.

Oh, man, we totally thought he was gonna turn out to actually be a girl!