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Sloppy Seconds: The Hipster Grifter Speaks (And She Wants Money)

Emily Farris — Fri, 01 May 2009 23:16:00 GMT

We've heard all about Obama's first 100 days, but what about Hillary Clinton's? Turns out she hasn't had time to read a single book or even see a movie. [NYT]

Watch William Shatner watch the trailer for the Star Trek movie he's not in. [Vulture]

Miley Cyrus would like you to know she's totally not having sex with her 20-year-old boyfriend, telling the Daily Mail, “I want to keep my virginity until I marry. I was brought up in a Christian family.” Yeah, Miley, so were were. [FadedYouth]

Heroes star and Scanner Brian crush Hayden Panettiere is the latest young star to audition for the Footloose remake. [Us]

Kari Farrell, that f-ing nude, f-ing hipster grifter finally showed her face long enough to let the world know that Vice still owes her $200. [Gawker]

Meet the Hipster Grifter from ANIMALmagazine on Vimeo.

Look at This F-ing Nude Hipster Grifter

Look at This F-ing Email From This F-ing Nude Hipster Grifter

I Hate Myself for Loving You: Hayden Paniettiere

The Dark Knight Starting To Inspire Copycat Crazies

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 14:54:00 GMT

We're surprised it's taken this long for the world's bumbling criminals to fall in love with Heath Ledger's depiction of The Joker, perhaps one of the most memorable villains in Hollywood history.

First, a tragic example of someone who took the joke a little too far, followed by a more positive note...

Army Spc. Christopher Lanum, 25, a suspect in the stabbing of a fellow soldier, Spc. Mitchell Stone, at Fort Eustis, was killed hours after the attack when he pointed a loaded shotgun at police after a chase. He had reportedly painted his face and dressed to look like The Joker, the villain from Batman comics and the movie The Dark Knight.

Lanum was apparently obsessed with the villain, according to reports filed yesterday in U.S. District Court in Norfolk. The records stated that Patsy Montowski, Lanum's girlfriend, indicated that Lanum:
"said everything The Joker did he did for a reason, like killing people, and that he agreed with the philosophy of doing things for a reason." [SNAFU-ed]

Perhaps the most depressing part of the tale is their quote from Lanum's mother: "All I can tell you is that Christopher served 18 months in Iraq and he never came actually home to us."

Another young man adopted the movie character as his hero, with very different results:

"Some kid dressed up as the Joker was caught stealing movie posters from a theatre's lobby and was consequently arrested for it." Holy hooligans! Phony 'Joker' arrested in Michigan [Comcast.net]

The mugshot, seen here, is almost adorable.

Related:

Sloppy Seconds: What Will Rihanna Say to Chris Brown?

50 Cent Releases Sex Tape To Attack Rap Rival

Ex-Detroit Mayor Gets All Sexy With the Texts

And The Nominees Are... and Should've Been...

Sloppy Seconds: Women Know When Men Are Turned On

Brian Fairbanks — Sat, 21 Feb 2009 00:01:00 GMT

Life in prison for consensual sex with a 16-year-old boy? That's a big WTF.

North Dakota fired another salvo in the war against the morning after pill and other "abortions": they passed a law stating that life begins at conception.

Speaking of conception, it's the reason a big celebrity couple recently broke up...

Hayden Panettiere's relationship with Milo Ventimiglia apparently wasn't strong enough to survive the always-fun pregnancy scare. According to the Chicago Sun-Times, "The test proved negative but apparently caused friction that sparked the breakup." [The Superficial]

Here's a new way to keep paranoid tabs on your significant other: the Driving Activity Reporter, which tracks, maps, and saves your car's movement history.

Have you heard about the crazy cafeteria occupation at NYU? Two girls decided to take to the streets without their clothes on and Fleshbot has the pictures.

Rihanna has wisely decided to refrain from public comment about Chris Brown. Smart gal.

Two stories left over from earlier this week: the New York Times says women know when men are turned on because the smell of the man's sweat will change.

And, in men, "the part of the brain associated with empathy for other peoples' emotions and wishes shut down after looking at [sexy bikini] pictures."

Top 5 Celebrities Who May Or May Not Be Attractive: Part One

While You Were Sleeping: The Rihanna Nightmare Continues

Heroes of the Day: Those Who Gave Money To Elderly Man With $3,000 Water Bill

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 21:38:00 GMT

In these trying economic times, even charities are suffering. Food banks are packed with starving, unemployed families while their stockpiles are depleted quickly and their donations plummet.

So, you'd be forgiven for thinking that an 84-year-old man, slapped with a $3,000 water bill, is going to be out of luck when asking people to help him out this holiday season...

Nope, they did, and in spades and droves and whatever you want to call it:

The Appleton, Wisconsin man has received $4,027 in donations to help offset the bill he received when he was away from home and his pipes cracked, allowing for tens of thousands of cubic feet of water to flood his meter. The organizers of the fundraising effort, which saw donations of $5 to $500, actually had to tell people not to continue donating and the stunned citizen, Norman Beckman, will donate the rest of the cash to an underfunded charity.

Related:

While You Were Sleeping: 93% Prefer Real Boobs

Hero of the Day: Girl Who Talked Her Way Out of a Kidnapping

Hero of the Day: Dad Who Killed A Sex Offender Turned Home Invader

While You Were Sleeping: The Cancer Scares

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 13:19:00 GMT

The Rolling Stones song "Satisfaction" technically saved one Englishman's life.

Jossip has a photo from the Ellen wedding.

Heidi Montag's new song "Overdosin'" was met by a steady stream of sales yesterday. Not really, it was made fun of mercilessly online:

Whoever wrote that song was overdosing on something.

overdosin' on stupidness

i agree this song and all of her other songs make me want to overdose too!! [Defamer]

Hayden Panettiere instructed her mom not to sell the star's panties online.

An 85-year-old woman apprehended a 17 year burglar, then made him call 911... at gunpoint.

Christina Applegate no longer has cancer, although Patrick Swayze, who still smokes, continues to battle it.

And the same idiot who sued nightclubs for discriminating against men with Ladies' Nights apparently didn't make enough money ripping off small businesses: he's now suing Columbia for teaching a history syllabus that blames men for the world's "ills."

UPDATE: Link fixed.

Related:

While You Were Sleeping: Who Looks Best In A Bikini?

I Hate Myself for Loving You: Hayden Paniettiere

Heidi Montag Endorses McCain; Alarmed GOPers Head For the Hills

While You Were Sleeping: The Madonna-Guy Ritchie Separation

Video of the Day: Triumph the Insult Comic Dog at Comic-Con

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 13:20:00 GMT

Comic Con has fallen into exactly the same trap as Sundance: a festival that was formerly to celebrate one, somewhat holy, cultish thing. At Sundance, it was the independent film roster, shown by their makers and a skeleton crew from the cast and production. At Comic Con, it used to be the fans meeting their heroes and that was that.

Now, they've both turned into little more than corporate mega-productions, advertising the next year's slate of garbage.

Thankfully, we have Triump the Insult Comic Dog to save us. Although he can often be a mean little bastard (or, shall we say, Robert Smigel can be a mean little bastard), Triumph is always worth checking out. Apparently, NBC.com has the full video of the speech seen towards the end of this clip. Let us know if you think it's worth watching-- we're too lazy to get around to it right now...

Related:

Conan O'Brien's Priest Stalker A Lot Creepier Than the Horny Manatee

Conan O'Brien: Funny "Ha Ha" or Funny "Please Stop"?

Funniest, Most Cringe-Worthy Video of the Day

Call Us When They Get To She-Hulk!

We Saw The Dark Knight In A Cavernous Movie Theater, During The Dead Of Night

Unfunny Hipster Who Couldn't Get Through "Weekend Update" Competently To Replace Conan O'F*cking Brien

Somebody Wants To Invade Our Vaginas

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 12:52:00 GMT

Woah! At the end of the day yesterday, we received this message from the John McCain satellite office at Cakebread (the man is rumored to have shadow offices everywhere, including at Katie Couric's house and the W.C. at the DNC.) Our minds were too blown to do anything about it at the time. What if it was true? The government killed people for publicizing less Top Secret information.

But here is, no doubt, irrefutable proof that Senator John McCain is going to invade our fucking vaginas. It's even in quotes, for God's sake, so it must be true.

Okay, that's about as far as we can stretch the joke. But y'all know McCain can keep it going, maybe make it part of his Iran warmongering speeches: "Iran, if you don't stop building those nukes, I'm going to personally invade all your vaginas." And so forth.

In unrelated news, McCain continued his sore loser tradition of trying to make everything look like it was his idea all along! Classic McCain moment from yesterday: Senator, are you upset that Europe and, in particular, Berlin are welcoming Barack Obama is a hero, the generation's greatest leader? Naw, I think I'll wait to speak in Germany until after I'm elected. Fair enough, but we can't help but think McCain is the kid who didn't get invited to your ninth birthday party and then acted like he wouldn't have gone even if he that invitation hadn't gotten "lost in the mail."

Step Brothers Will Be Terrible, Step Clones Would've Been Way Funnier

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 20:08:00 GMT

PosterBoyNYC is a Flickr photographer who, as you can see above, doctors those enormous and always obnoxious subway ads.

After the jump, a look at our favorite cut-and-paste jobs from this Urban Prankster...

There are plenty more, even a handful that are arguably better than all of the ones we've included above, at Flickr.

Via Urban Prankster.

Sloppy Seconds: Kelly Rowland's Booty Implants?

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 21:50:00 GMT

Break out the Big Suit: "Psycho Killer" is among the dozens of tracks on Rock Band 2. Also on there: a new Guns 'N Roses song, Sonic Youth, and more 70s craptastic rock.

A businessman in Florida is being chastised for putting up a billboard with the words "Don't Vote For A Democrat" accompanied by an image of the Twin Towers falling. The man, whose website has a $5 CD with a track entitled "The Republican Song," is only doing what the GOP did in 2004 by hosting their convention in New York City. Oh, right, that was pretty disgraceful, too...

Kristin Bell signed up for the third season of "Heroes." She said she's thrilled to be "electrocuting people again!"

Are Jenny Lewis and Conor Oberst together or something? Well, anyway, they're touring together later this year, following the release of the new Jenny Lewis solo album, which features an incredible all-star lineup.

A teen pregnancy movie played in Korea long before Ellen Page popped one out. The title? "Jeni, Juno."

Headline of the Day: Not News: Pizza place robbed. News: Robbed by your husband while you're working there. Fark: Your parents helped and it was their idea...

Society has grown too superficial, even for us, if anyone's resorting to getting ass implants to stay relevant. (By the way, we're not saying this story is true-- Kelly Rowland getting implants-- but we're worried it might be...)

Sloppy Seconds: American Apparel's Latest Porn Star Pick

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 20:46:00 GMT

Want an explanation of the finale of the Sopranos? Too bad, David Chase isn't going to make a movie, sources say.

The overhyped/underwhelming Christie Brinkley/Peter Cook divorce trial has ended in a settlement. Now, can Hollywood please send us a real scandal for a change?

Best or worst excuse ever? Check out France's First Lady, Carla Bruni, on why her belly appears to be growing...

The model-turned-songstress says she "would certainly like to be pregnant" but is not. If her tummy has grown, it is because she enjoys an occasional beer.

Perhaps they've finally discovered Nerve: according to the Washington Post, seniors are turned on and acting on it now more than ever.

American Apparel hired another porn star. Surprisingly, it's not Julia Allison.

Karl Rove may be heading for another legal problem after her refused to testify in Congress. The Democrats could hold him in contempt, which is apparently a new thing for them.

Another country club is in trouble, this time in Phoenix, for refusing to separate the sexes. Alice Cooper allegedly had no problems eating his fried bat without any groupies present.

In a bid to offset the poor attention spans of most American TV viewers, NBC has decided it needs a webseries to introduce a new superhero to "Heroes," rather than try to work him in to the regular season. Check out the details here. Or ignore them and just stare at the above photo of Hayden, who has no part in the webisodes.

Don't forget, folks, tomorrow is Chick-Fil-A's free chicken dinner. There is a stipulation, though: you have to come dressed as a cow. We recommend the following outfit:

Thanks, Bianca!

Hero of the Day: NJ Citizen Traffic Cop

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 10 Jun 2008 21:19:00 GMT

Not this guy.

We were in the middle of beating the heat (sounds so dirty) by scarfing down buckets of Yolato gelato yesterday, when we happened to catch this guy on the five o'clock news...

It was on ABC 7 (NY/NJ/CT): a man in what appeared to be a wife beater t-shirt, directing traffic without being asked when the east coast heatwave knocked out area traffic lights. We wish we had a better picture than the one above, but ABC 7 apparently moved on to the latest triple murders and molesting teachers and the wonderful video is not on their website.

Reasons we love the lone man against the traffic guy (the closest America's going to come to the lone student against the tank in Tiananmen Square?):

1) He had absolutely no reason to help. It was hotter than an Eva Mendes-Scarlett Johansson sex tape yesterday and yet he stood out there in the bright sun, making sure other people made it home in one piece.

2) Could have been killed. After last week's story on the hit-and-run in Hartford, we're afraid to cross traffic, let alone stand in the middle of it.

3) Honking, middle fingers, and revving engines. There was no sound from the scene during ABC's broadcast, so who knows if drivers were polite. If they weren't, it may have gotten ugly out there. If it did, our loner only seemed more encouraged as the video guys on, excitedly waving and stopping, motioning and halting.

4) He's probably drunk. It's the middle of the day and he's walking around Northern New Jersey with just an undershirt and apparently has nowhere to be in a hurry? Yeah, he was blitzed out of his gourd. Nonetheless, bonus points for keeping it together.

And for that, he's our Hero of the Day. Every day.

PREVIOUS: Today in the Apocalypse: Hartford Hit and Run

Image via Flickr.

Why Hayden And I Broke Up: A Scanner Confession

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 09 Jun 2008 21:00:00 GMT

As many of you are aware, I, Scanner Brian have long been the amour of Hayden Panettiere, star of "Heroes" and many a male fantasy. I wanted you to be the first to know that I've decided to end my relationship with this young lady... and why...

Turns out that Hayden is taking a page from her "Heroes" (har har) Paris and LiLo and has gone completely off the rails, turning into a bonkers Star Magazine celebrity we've always feared she'd become...

"It's great to be single. It's great to have boyfriends. Or girlfriends. There are occasions when you kiss your best friend growing up, having fun and goofing about. Like perfecting your technique!"

She's a switch hitter it seems and I won't stand for it. PS Y'all know I'm kidding, right? But apparently, some people are indeed afraid that our favorite cheerleader is going by way of Lindsay... you know, joining Ellen's team? You get it?

"Answer Her F**king Question!"

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 18:44:00 GMT

Do you hate the Bush Administration? Do you enjoy watching war criminals squirm?

Then you'll really love the New Anonymous Hero, who went toe-to-toe with Walking Evil...

Elsinora: ..."the victim was bound or otherwise secured in a prone position; and water was forced through his mouth and nostrils into his lungs and stomach." One man, Yukio Asano, was sentenced to fifteen years hard labor by the allies for waterboarding American troops to obtain information. Since Yukio Asano was trying to get information to help defend his country--exactly what you, Mr. Ashcroft, say is acceptible for Americans to do--do you believe that his sentence was unjust? (boisterous applause and shouts of "Good question!")

ASHCROFT: (angrily) Now, listen here. You're comparing apples and oranges, apples and oranges. We don't do anything like what you described.

Elsinora: I'm sorry, I was under the impression that we still use the method of putting a cloth over someone's face and pouring water down their throat...

ASHCROFT: (interrupting, red-faced, shouting) Pouring! Pouring! Did you hear what she said? "Putting a cloth over someone's face and pouring water on them." That's not what you said before! Read that again, what you said before!

ME: Sir, other reports of the time say...

ASHCROFT: (shouting) Read what you said before! (cries of "Answer her fucking question!" from the audience) Read it!

Ashcroft never did answer her question, preferring to storm out of the building. Not only this, but he avoided answering almost all the questions (as good Republicans are trained to do-- simply avoid debate and attack on trivial issues, such as the exact dates events occured, which have nothing to do with whether or not the US Government has authorized torture)...

For more on Daily Kossack Elsinora, a 21-year-old college student and our New Hero, check out her story and photos. You can also e-mail her your marriage proposals, congratulations, and whatnot.

Who The Hell? FHM's Sexiest Woman in The World

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 24 Apr 2008 16:00:00 GMT

Maybe we are falling behind, but we had only barely heard of FHM's #1 Sexiest Woman In The World before today's announcement. Does that make us bad bloggers... or heroic ones, since we did not have to subject you to our musings on her until now?

And the winner is...

Megan Fox!

Megan who? Apparently, she was in Transformers, which we still cannot believe was actually a theatrical motion picture and, even funnier, that thinking people actually paid up to $11 to see. We wouldn't be surprised if the new Indiana Jones movie bombs because it's too intelligent and doesn't have enough robotic explosions for people to shit their pants over.

But that's beside the point.

The point is: who the Christ is Megan Fox? We understand almost all the other entries on the list (#4 Elisha Cuthbert, #11 Hayden Panettiere, #20 Beyonce, etc.), although we're not sure why other guys continue to drool over boring chicks like Jessica Alba [#3} and Jessica Biel [#2], or anyone named Jessica, for that matter, without the last name of Lange. However, we would put in the earplugs and do Simpson in a heartbeat.)

Anyway, check out FHM's list, if the damn page ever loads...

Top Photo: FHM; Bottom Photo: GQ

I Hate Myself for Loving You: Hayden Paniettiere

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 19:44:00 GMT

We're going to try something different with this one: reasons why we love (and really get annoyed by) Heroes star Hayden Panettiere. The eighteen-year-old inspires love of the dirty, dirty variety in us, but there's a lot that pisses us off.

This one's all in pictures...

WE LOVE:

HATE:

In summation: we love Hayden (especially dressed as a Texas cowgirl-- damn, forget the cheerleader role and get her on "Friday Night Lights," stat!) And we gotta be hatin' at the same time (whether it's a seethrough dress we didn't want to see or holding hands with BFF Paris Hilton while Paris Hilton is between deepthroats on a lollipop. Yuck-- we feel terrible for the lollipop.)

As for blubbering over Flubber, we're a bit torn. Last week, we learned how hot PETA protestors could be-- activism is sexy but naked activists are sexier. It makes us realize how young and vulnerable she is that she can cry over spilled tuna, and that just kills our Scanner boners:

But it's always up to the readers to decide these anyway...

TV Gets Back to What It Does Best: Canceling Shows

Bryan Christian — Tue, 12 Feb 2008 19:06:00 GMT

Now that the Writer's Strike is over, it's time to figure out what shows are coming back and when. We got a couple of links to pages here and here with hints, and heard something on NPR yesterday, and while we haven't done a case-by-case comparison, we'll summarize what we know:

-- Lots of shows -- particularly sitcoms -- are going back into production now, and will be burning off already shot episodes or shooting a handful more to be shown through May or beyond. Big names include: 30 Rock, Battlestar Galactica, The Office, My Name is Earl, Lost, and a few other shows you probably first saw on iTunes.

-- Gossip Girl -- which all of us Scanner bloggers just realized means nothing to us but has a fairly dedicated following, we hear -- will return with new episodes aired through the summer, so just like we did with 90210 and The OC, expect us to "get way more into it than we thought" around June.

-- No 24 and no more Heroes, Life, Pushing Daisies, Dirty Sexy Money, Moonlight, Private Practice or Chuck for the year; they will likely all be relaunched or continued next fall.

-- Cancelled or iffy: Bionic Woman, Cane, Life is Wild (which, like... huh?), Friday Night Lights, Prison Break, One Tree Hill, Reaper, Back to You, and ER, which we imagine NBC has been looking for an excuse like this to unload since Noah Wyle left.

-- Producer Bill Lawrence is negotiating for time to wrap up Scrubs. Bill: let it go.

Heroes of the Week: "Safe Sex or No Sex!" Girls

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 08 Feb 2008 18:30:00 GMT

Feministing reports on the story of two 8th graders in St. Louis who were suspended from school after wearing T-shirts promoting safe sex that were, um, covered in Trojans. CNN has the video here.

We love the fact that these are not the typical, say, 80 pound cheerleader hottie types, smacking gum and saying, "Yeah, I dunno... like, I thought maybe if you're gonna have sex, you should have like, a jimmy hat on or something." And their Dad, a Gulf War vet, seems pretty relaxed about the whole thing. Our parents would have hung themselves out of embarrassment.

Congratulations "swendlick" On Making Us Feel Really Poor!

Bryan Christian — Tue, 04 Dec 2007 20:10:00 GMT

More Heroes news for you! (And we don't even like that show! OK, we kind of do.) Shortly after we appraised you of the $1,200 price tag on the official "Claire's Indestructible Crotch Costume," 3 high-rolling users who we assume to be Internet billionaire fanboy pervs fought like, well, probably like girls to lay claim to this sweat-stained piece of television herstory. The winning bid, made at 5 in the AM yesterday (sneaky!) by one "swendlick" was $5,200. Which, if you put that into real people money, is roughly the equivalent of "Holy Crap!"

Y'know, this reminds us of what Tiny Tim said at the end of A Christmas Carol: "Christ Almighty, if I paid that much for underwear, I'd better get to keep the girl!" So true, Tim, so true. Merry Christmas, you old Savings and Loan!

Spoiler Alert: "Heroes" Writers Must Have Struck, Like, 5 Seconds Early

Bryan Christian — Tue, 04 Dec 2007 12:00:00 GMT

You know what? If you're a villain on a show inspired by characters in comics, and after a long stretch of super-impotence, you finally scheme your way into getting your powers back in the final scene of the season and the first thing you do to test them out is levitate an opened spinach can into your hand and the camera pulls in to hear what you have to say about it: IF YOU DON'T SAY "I AM WHAT I AM" AND LAUGH MANIACALLY, YOU ARE A FUCKING DUMBASS!!!

Only 5 Days Left to Own Official Claire-from-"Heroes" Spandex

Bryan Christian — Wed, 28 Nov 2007 20:41:00 GMT

Hey, you! You got 120 hours, a couple grand to burn, and an obsessive preoccupation with Hayden Panettiere? We thought so. Then please to consider pointing your internet browser to the NBC Auction site, where one may currently find, at the modest price of $1,200, lot #599: an actual cheerleading costume worn by Heroes character Claire the Cheerleader on her indestructable and recently un-jailbait-y cheerleading-type body.

You know it's authentic because, er, they say so. And you know it's classy because they remembered to include a pic of the extra-snug shorts, replete with the slightest hint of official Heroes cameltoe.

Don't let sabre813 be the lucky fool, er, chump, er, perv, er, fella who pays 4 months rent for a piece of television history! Bid today!

[Via Defamer]