Scanner : Eva Longoria

Sloppy Seconds: Giving Vibrators To Teenage Girls

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 22:31:00 GMT

Michael Lohan can't beat up any celebrities until his parole ends.

Mac users, rejoice: a compendium of shortcuts to the rescue.

You may be jealous over who Emily Blunt has shacked up with... we'll remain positive by saying he's at least cooler than Michael Buble...

A source tells the magazine, "They ordered room service, took long walks and spent every second together. John really cares for Emily - he totally fawns over her. And she's loving the attention. She's a down-to-earth girl, but it's nice to be treated so well."

It's John Krasinski, who is one of the few guys we wouldn't hate for getting to have breakfast in bed with Emily Blunt...

Carrie Fisher's mother Debbie Reynolds gave her and Carrie's grandmother vibrators for Christmas... when Carrie was 15... and other highlights from Fisher's latest memoir.

Eva Longoria's diet plan? Get rid of meat and stick with the fish.

We can do better than some of these Famous People's Personalized Credit Cards, can't we? Although we dig the Michael Vick one.

A hockey fight so brutal, we blew off some steam just watching it.

Lou Reed's Classic Example Of How To Give An Interview

Having Painful Sex? The Men of New Jersey Would Like To Help

Your Next Significant Other Should Be...

Hot or Not? Cindy Crawford at 42

Scanner Highs And Lows: Michael Phelps Rules The Blog

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 21:55:00 GMT

We held onto the Olympics for dear life, we'll admit, but after this last look back at the week's highlights, it may be time to say adios...

...until next week, when more nude Olympians are sure to grace us with their leaked online photos... or maybe Republicans are caught with strippers...

HIGHS:

...since Democrats don't seem to enjoy them.

We have to hand it to John McCain for making it an historic election now, no matter who wins.

Enough about McCain, here's to a true hero: Michael Phelps, who is now spending his days giving kids swimming lessons, apparently.

Matthew McConaughey's mom is kind of a sexual hero, in a way. Really.

We're proud to have had a transgender Crush of the Week, although we're pretty sure she won't go out with us no matter how much we kiss her ass.

Eva Longoria Circa A Few Years Ago is kind of our runner-up Crush of the Week.

LOWS:

This post would've been called Last of the Nude Olympians... if they were actually Olympians.

Hopefully, Olympians won't have to stoop to making straight-to-DVD sex movies. Blurry sex tapes will do just fine, thanks.

If you were wondering why we enjoy photos of women athletes who have bodies like rocks (of Gibraltar), a reminder of a possible alternative.

So we've established Ms. Marsh is not among the sexy people... are you?

Seriously, we do wish Mulder luck in rehab, despite what you may think.

This guy is world's worst liar.

Something we can all argue about civilly: this show may or may not be terrible.

Speaking of lying, somebody lied to us when they said Toy Story was animated, damn it.

Sloppy Seconds: Eva Longoria's Lingerie Past

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 21:01:00 GMT

Are you better off now than you were in 1999? We seriously doubt it, although this chart may make you think you're making the same money you were then: nice try, thanks for (not) factoring in cost of living increases, dumbasses.

Charlize Theron at the DNC: No, I won't get married.

Speaking of marriage: Are we upset or could we care less that this movie star got hitched?

Asia Argento has wed in Tuscany, Italy.
The actress married director Michele Civetta on Wednesday in a civil ceremony at the city hall in Arezzo. The 32-year-old daughter of Italian moviemaker Dario Argento was previously engaged to actors Michael Pitt and Vincent Gallo but she never married.

One million new bankruptcies have been filed this week. Just kidding, it was over the last 12 months. Phew!

What does a country gotta indict somebody for in order to get rid of him? Senator Ted Stevens won his primary yesterday.

Today in the Apocalypse: Rat meat is in high demand in Cambodia, thanks to the economy.

Awww, man... the nun beauty pageant has been canceled for the usual, predictable reasons.

You probably heard about Eva Longoria's early forays into lingerie. If that's your kind of thing, you'll definitely want to check out The Superficial's posting of seven-year-old photos, most of which have been virtually unseen, at least on the internet. Here (and above), a taste:

Related:

There She Is... The World's Most Beautiful Nun

Starpulse's Celebs Who Should Go Nude: Who's Missing?

Making Stripteases A Cinch: Dita Von Teese Shills For Wonderbra

While You Were Sleeping: The Pregnant Lady Lingerie Controversy

Scanner Highs And Lows: Battle of the Sexies

Eva Mendes: Too Hot For TV, Way Too Hot For Work

Top 5 Sex Scenes Involving Food

While You Were Sleeping: The Nightmare on Elm Street Remake

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 13:43:00 GMT

In a small area of North Texas, it is now legal for teachers to carry handguns on school property. Of course, students are still not allowed to defend themselves from caning, punching, or shooting that may come their way. Ah, justice...

Speaking of Texas, a man who allegedly got naked and groped a four-year-old boy was almost immediately arrested and tasered by police. Now that's justice...

Wouldn't it be awesome if this guy played Freddy in the Nightmare on Elm Street remake? We mean-- wouldn't it be awesome if they didn't make it at all... but if they have to, wouldn't Billy Bob Thornton be a twisted, bizarre, possibly brilliant choice?

Lauren Conrad's clothing line has been dropped by Kitson.

Jerry Lewis claims the gun he was busted with at the airport was a telethon gift.

Oprah will be there for Obama at the convention.

And Eva Longoria still keeps in touch with her old Wendy's.

Thanks, Susan!

Another Woman We've Never Heard of Is Maxim's Hottest Woman in The World

Emily Farris — Wed, 14 May 2008 15:53:00 GMT

A few weeks back, Scanner Brian was perplexed by the fact that FHM had named a woman we'd never heard of as its sexiest woman in the world. This month, Maxim pulls the same trick (even though we have heard of her, but only from one of our own).

And the winner is...

Marisa Miller.

Should we know who she is? Probably. Do we? Only because of Scanner Bryan. Is she the hottest woman in the world? She's definitely hot, but enh.

Scanner Bryan, you're welcome to disagree. So are the folks at Maxim who say she "embodies the official return of the all-American supermodel... Not since Cindy Crawford ruled the catwalk has a pinup born and bred on U.S. soil so thoroughly captured the imagination of the American male."

Also on the list: Scarlett Johansson (No. 2), Jessica Biel (No. 3). And in the top 10: Sarah Michelle Gellar, Elisha Cuthbert, Eva Mendes, Christina Aguilera, Lindsay Lohan (who topped last year's list) and Ashley Tisdale.

How much do you think these women's publicists pay to get them on the list?

No, you know what? Fuck this list. We're taking nominations for Scanner's Hottest Women in the World in the comments section.

[People: Scarlett Johansson, Jessica Biel Make Maxim's Hot List]

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Starpulse's Celebs Who Should Go Nude: Who's Missing?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 21 Mar 2008 18:15:00 GMT

Eva Longoria's obvious. For those of you into that kind of thing, apparently Milo Ventimigla is on their list as well. But what about who was left to languish in the slums of decency?

The list, so far:

Jessica Alba

James Marsden

Eva Longoria

Jensen Ackles

Jessica Biel

Taye Diggs

Tricia Helfer

Milo Ventimiglia

Sharon Leal

Brad Pitt

...and who are they missing? We vote for Amy Adams, Scarlett Johansson, Thandie Newton, and Daniel Craig.

Jack Is Back (And Maybe A Little Too Late?)

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 03 Mar 2008 13:00:00 GMT

This excellent and attention-grabbing ad for Hillary Clinton's Presidential campaign was released over the weekend. But was it approved by the campaign? It does not have an FEC tag at the end, nor does it say anything about the message being endorsed by the Senator's committee. It will be interesting to see how this plays out in the media as the day unfolds.

In other celebrity political news, Hollywood actresses are spending more time in Texas than any sane person ever should...

Perhaps the actresses Melanie Griffith and Eva Longoria Parker will be more on message than [Jack Nicholson, says the New York Times.] They’re set to appear at a town hall event with Mrs. Clinton in Austin, Texas, on Monday night, the eve of the primary. The campaign will show the event live at its Web site, and 700 people are expected to be in the live audience.

All right, folks, it's time for a recap of celebrity endorsements:

HILLARY CLINTON:

Marla Maples, Jenna Jameson, Melanie Griffith, Eva Longoria, Paul Newman, Danny Devito, and Jerry Springer.

BARACK OBAMA:

Oprah Winfrey, Tom Hanks, Jamie Foxx, Robert De Niro, George Clooney, John Legend, Jessica Alba, and the rest of the cast of the will.i.am music videos.

We know we're missing some of the biggies. Who else?

In the meantime, check out this new video (are we done with Obama videos yet?) from will.i.am, with more A/B-list celebs superimposing themselves over Barack Obama's dignity:

At Least He's Not Doing Steroids.

April Peveteaux — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 23:00:00 GMT

After the swift, classy and believable denials from Tony Parker and Eva Longoria yesterday, we thought this whole thing might be over before it started. But not so fast deniers, some new text messages have shown up on X17 that could be evidence that Tony was slutting it up in P-town.

We’re not saying it’s true, but come on people, the French aren’t exactly known to poo-poo the extramarital fun times and it’s not like we don’t know of another idolized, beautiful TV star who got the short end of the Pitt. But the most convincing argument for Tony being a dog are some words from the wise, Tionna, “I think it's sad that your boyfriend is a cheater but as you know, he is an athlete and that is what comes with the territory (as some would like to say).” Some do say that, Tionna. Some do.