Scanner : Democrats

While You Were Sleeping: Clit-Pumpin' Glory

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 14:42:00 GMT

An 83-year-old woman in Hungary warms our hearts by continuing to work in her chosen career: crime.

Amy Fisher is going on that rumored stripping tour.

There's a penis in Grand Theft Auto IV! Guess they have to do something to offset the rampant exploitation of women.

Funniest headline of the day: "'Clinton Lays Out Broad Asian Agenda'. This headline makes sense no matter how you arrange the words."

Try the clit pump-nasal spray combo for mind-blowing female orgasms!

How can you not love Sam Donaldson after this clip from a Wonkette/Gawker interview he did?

Jane's Addiction is back... and Nine Inch Nails says goodbye.

The Democrats in Congress are enjoying a rare boom in popularity thanks to the stimulus.

Check out the hamburger dress. Actually, don't bother.

Yay for Dita Von Teese, who insists she'd chose her stripping career over a man any day.

You should read this MTV story about the Lily Allen-Perez Hilton Twitter spat only because it's hilariously sad.

Related:

Eternal Hardons Landing Men in ER

Bedpost Beta Will Make You Feel Like The Slut You Really Are

No Foreplay For You

I Hate Myself For Loving You: Lily Allen

Pic via Drunken Stepfather

Scanner's Woman of the Year: You Decide

Emily Farris — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 19:43:00 GMT

GOP Vice Presidential Nominee Sarah Palin vs. Eliot Spitzer's High Class Call Girl Ashley Alexandra Dupre

No, this is not a Who Would You Rather? (though, who would you rather?). It's just us asking you to help decide who should be Scanner's Woman of the Year. We had an easy time with Scanner's Man of the Year, and his penis, but we'll tell you all about that tomorrow.

Woman of the year was a little more difficult. There were two women who brought us more laughter, tears and page views than any other females all year. Now it's up to you to decide which lovely lady will be awarded this top honor.

The winner gets, at the very least, an open love letter and photo essay from Scanner Emily.

Related:

Who Would You Rather: Nude Sarah Palin vs. Nude Sarah Palin...

Top 5 Rumors We'd Like to Start About Sarah Palin... But Won't

Loving, Naked Tributes to Sarah Palin Just Keep on Coming

Ashley Alexandra Dupre Did Exactly What We Told Her Not to Do

Who Would You Rather? Ashley Alexandra Dupre vs. "Kristen"

An Open Letter to Ashley Alexandra Dupre: We're Gonna Write a Book!

Is this guy the Barack Obama of the GOP? Um, no.

Scanner Matt — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 22:23:00 GMT

With the Republican Party in crisis many are looking for a new leader to win them back the throne in 2012 (does anyone really believe it will be Sarah Palin?). Thirty-six-year-old Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal (short listed as a McCain VP nominee before the barracuda graced our lives) just might be the guy. He's surrounded by presidential buzz and—let's be honest—it wouldn't hurt the GOP if their conventions looked a little less like white supremacist rallies.

Piyush “Bobby” Jindal picked up his Anglo nickname from The Brady Bunch. Yes, that Bobby, seriously, which he commonly uses as his first name. He at first appears to be a very intelligent individual; he was a Rhodes Scholar at Oxford.

But here’s the thing. He’s crazy.

Jindal supports teaching intelligent design in public schools.

He voted to make the Patriot Act permanent.

He’s a hardcore-let’s-flip-Roe-v.-Wade pro-lifer.

He’s against stem cell research.

Not only does he staunchly support “traditional marriage,” he opposes civil unions.

He supported a constitutional amendment to ban flag burning.

He’s against universal health care.

Watch out for this guy in 2012. He's sure to make an appearance.

Related:

Is The GOP Over Yet? A New Poll Seems To Think So...

The Election Is Over... And Now The Truth Comes Out

Photo/Wikipedia

Does that Womb Broom Belong to a Porn Star or a Politician?

Emily Farris — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 20:17:00 GMT

Porn stars and politicians have two things in common. 1. They know how to rock mustaches. 2. They get paid to screw us (sorry, but they do).

But can you tell the difference between a porn star and a politician based on his lip service?

The folks at 23/6 want to know if you can. Unfortunately we can't embed their video Guess the stache-Democrat or Porn Star? here. But you should go play. Now.

I Hate Myself for Loving You: "Men in Trees"

"Pinups" Issue No. 5 Gets a 10

Crush of the Week: Vivienne Westwood's Bear

Retired NYPD Officer Has Mustache of the Year

There's a Mustache Party and You're All Invited

Mustaches For Kids NY Was a Big Success!

[Image]

While You Were Sleeping: The Jennifer Hudson Horror Story Continues

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 13:08:00 GMT

Just before we wrapped up for the day on Friday, we heard about a man accusing the NYPD of sexually assaulting him by sticking a walkie-talkie up his ass. We're not sure we buy the guy's story, but he did end up in the hospital after being arrested, so that may mean something's up.

Democratic Congressman Tim Mahoney is so scared for his political future, he backed out of a debate with his Republican opponent with barely any notice. Meanwhile, we applaud his wife for sticking up for herself by filing for divorce from this pig.

In a bizarre turn of events, Amy Poehler didn't show up for her Saturday Night Live scenes this weekened, although she gave a fairly reasonably explanation:

[H]er former co-stars were celebrating when the show was aired on Saturday night, telling a cheering crowd: "Amy Poehler is not here tonight because she is having a baby."
Poehler won't return to SNL after her maternity leave - she is planning a spin-off series to the hit U.S. version of The Office.

Aw, man... it's a case of "poof and she's gone." The show won't be the same without you, Amy.

Meet us in St. Louis: "Sex, Politics, and You," an art exhibit, has set up shop in Missouri.

A sixteen-year-old boy asked the Times if they thought it was "unhealthy" that he wants to try on his Mom's lyrca leggings.

What not to do if you are afraid to get married: set a hotel on fire so you can ruin the ceremony. (By the way, his reason for not getting married? He already is married... to somebody else.)

"I thought if I set a fire I wouldn't have to go through with the wedding," the Yomiuri quoted him as telling police.

Guests at the hotel were evacuated and no one was injured when he set the fire in the early hours of Sunday morning at the resort hotel... west of Tokyo.
Tatsuhiko Kawata and his fiancee had been set to get married before 80 guests. He was arrested after suddenly cancelling the event and behaving suspiciously, the Yomiuri said.

And Jennifer Hudson's sister has pleaded for the safety of her son after Jennifer's mother and brother were murdered in their Illinois home. Jennifer, meanwhile, has offered $100,000 as a reward for the boy's safe return.

Related:

Jennifer Hudson Looking Hot on Her New Album Cover

Today in WTF: Ex-Candidate For Kentucky Gov. Arrested For Sex Offenses After Obvious Joke

British Airways Invites You To Join The Mile High Club

That Sex Toy Is... Pooooisssoooon

Exposed: Joe the Plumber (Don't Worry, No Butt Crack Shots)

World's Greatest Mom Defends Daughter's Honor... Shotgun Style

While You Were Sleeping: Angelina Jolie's Breastfeeding Cover

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 13:08:00 GMT

Check out the strangely likable 105-year-old-virgin. And no, this is not a fictional sequel to the Steve Carell movie.

Did you hear about the Netflix moviewatching marathon? These sleep-deprived folks would like to tell you all about it in a compulsively readable photo essay.

A hip hop lover who played his music too loud paid a small fine rather than, as the judge offered, sitting down and listening to Bach and Beethoven. We wish they'd fine some of our neighbors for the same thing...

New polls released today show Democrats leading all over the country. One of those coming out ahead is comedian and Senate candidate Al Franken.

Britney Spears will "set the record straight" (while breaking the record for longest career from an untalented singer) in a new MTV doc.

Maybe Russia is an evil state after all.

A woman was busted for pouring hot water on her husband's crotch. Yowwch.

And the controversial "Angelina Jolie breastfeeding" W Magazine cover is no big deal at all. Take a look:

Via Mollygood.

Related:

While You Were Sleeping: Human Evolution Ended

Because It's Never Too Early to Start Thinking About Slutty Halloween Costumes

Have We Finally Found Stills from the Britney Spears Sex Tape?

The Amazing Disappearing-Reappearing Britney Spears Sex Tape

Top 5 Sex Scenes From Bad Movies

While You Were Sleeping: Mike Myers Is An Inglorious Bastard

Crush of the Week: David Kernell, The Palin Hacker

Emily Farris — Wed, 24 Sep 2008 21:06:00 GMT

Meet David Kernell, he's the son of Tennessee Democratic state representative Mike Kernell, a University of Tennessee student and the man (the boy?) accused of hacking Sarah Palin's Yahoo e-mail account last week.

He's also kind-of hunky.

We don't necessarily advocate computer hacking. After all, we wouldn't want to be hacked (lord knows after doing this job we have some scandalous shit cached here). But we do respect the kid's desire to be involved in the political process.

Imagine what the world would be like if all twenty year olds were this politically aware? The hacking incident did shed light on what many suspected, that Palin does a good job of mixing business with pleasure, as the Yahoo account was a personal one she used for Government business.

For that, David Kernell is our crush of the week.

Of course, considering we crushed on (and later went out with) the guy who got expelled for 90 days for selling acid in high school, it's no wonder we have a crush on lil' David Kernell.

[Wired: No Indictment Tuesday Against Palin Hacker]

Related:

Crush of the Week: Gitty Grunwald, Fighting An Hasidic Cult For Her Daughter

Crush of the Week: Jamie Clayton, The Hottest Transsexual

Crush of the Week: Ryan Gosling

Crush of the Week: Kate Middleton, Rollerskating Queen

While You Were Sleeping: Mark Foley's Replacement's Sex Scandal

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 23 Sep 2008 13:08:00 GMT

A homeless man in Florida was arrested for sleeping nude on the steps of a City Hall. Insult to injury: he was given $150 in bail which, obviously, he probably can't even pay.

Farm Aid 2008 is playing in a loop here. (The lineup: Neil Young, John Mellencamp, Willie Nelson, Dave Matthews, Kenny Chesney, Arlo Guthrie, Jerry Lee Lewis, The Pretenders, Jakob Dylan, and much more.)

How much would you pay for a date with this porn star?

This knife violence on Greyhounds in Canada fad? It shows no signs of stopping.

Dane Cook is the gift (of unintentional comedy) that keeps on giving. (A friend responds that we should start a letter writing campaign demanding Newswatch apologize for calling Cook a "funnyman.")

Disclaimer: the following story is only somewhat new and was ignored by almost every reputable media outlet. That being said, maybe there's something to it: Democratic Rep. Tim Mahoney, who replaced Mark Foley in Congress, is caught up in a scandal of his own... and, some conservatives say, a sex scandal to boot:

The Post reported that the house Mahoney lists as his primary residence and the address he uses on his voter registration card are not the same. The address on his voter I.D. is listed as a barn inside the district, the address he claims as his primary residence is outside the district. This is unusual in that it doesn’t look good to his constituents that he doesn’t live in the district he represents. However, it is apparently legal.

So... where's the sex?

The discrepancies in where Mahoney claims his primary residence and the address listed on his voter I.D. card (a barn) are supposedly due to the fact that Mahoney and his wife no longer share the same address.

Apparently, Tim Mahoney, through one of his consultants, has paid a former staffer, Trish Allen, $250,000 in hush money to keep a sexual harassment lawsuit brought by Mrs. Allen against Congressman Mahoney from the public view. [via]

Hey... Wanna Make Out? With A Thousand People?

The Josh Hartnett Sex Tape: At Least It Won't Be In Night Vision

Neil Young Announces Quite Possibly Greatest Concert Ever

LiLo Snubbed by Obama

Emily Farris — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 20:04:00 GMT

Lindsay Lohan has ben an outspoken critic of Republican vice-presidential nominee, Sarah Palin. She's also a big fan of Barack Obama. Unfortunately, the Obama camp doesn't share Lohan's sentiments.

After reaching out to the Democracts and offering her to help out the Obama-Biden ticket by hosting a series of parties to support the Democratic duo, a campaign staffer said Lohan ''is not exactly the kind of high-profile star who would be a positive for us.''

Ouch.

[SunTimes: Barack Obama campaign nixes Lindsay Lohan]

Related:

Lindsay Lohan Takes Time Out of Her Busy Day to Remind Us It's 9/11

Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson Would Like You to Know What They Think of Sarah Palin

Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson: "A Lovely Couple"

Samantha Ronson and Her Trusty Fingers Take Care of Lindsay Lohan

Everyone Attacks: Obama and Hillary

Sloppy Seconds: Barack Obama's Hip Hop Cameo

Scanner Highs and Lows: Even Sarah Palin's Breasts Want You to Vote for Barack Obama

You May Have Missed Michael McDonald at the DNC, But We Didn't (And Here's Why)

Emily Farris — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 17:58:00 GMT

Okay, "we" is a big word. It implies that the other Scanner bloggers, when watching the Democratic convention last week, noticed that in the background of a man being interviewed, Scanner Emily's long-time crush, Michael McDonald, was singing the praises of this great nation.

Just in case you missed him in all his silver-haired, baritone glory...

Now, why do we get so excited by Michael McDonald, you ask? According to a new study reported in the Proceedings of the Royal Society, Biological Sciences, by Prof Bereczkei of the Institute of Psychology, University of Pécs, Hungary (whew!), women are attracted to men who look like their fathers, just as men are attracted to women who look like their mothers.

As much as we'd like to debunk this "theory," let's do a little side-by-side comparison of Scanner Emily's dad (we'll call him Scanner Dave) and Michael McDonald, respectively:

Yikes! Anyone have the number for a good shrink in Brooklyn?

Related:

I Hate Myself for Loving You: Michael McDonald

Scanner Highs and Lows: Michael McDonald Still Hasn't Called

[Image]

Scanner Roundtable: What Did We Think About The DNC & Obama's Speech?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 20:01:00 GMT

According to the Huffington Post, Nielsen says that, in addition to the 80,000 people who saw the speech in person, 38 million people watched Obama the nomination last night on television, "more... than watched the Olympics opening ceremony in Beijing, the final American Idol or the Academy Awards this year."

Well, John McCain's nap could beat the Academy Awards any day, but the real question is: what did we think of the speech?

Early reports are glowing-- at least from the media. But they don't know a damn thing about the public, as evidenced by every story about the election up until Iowa, their wrong guesses on what Obama would say last night, etc. etc.

If you're like us and think the Democratic leadership is generally made up of whimps who have to play nice with a guy who doesn't play nice back, check out this relatively amusing (although pretty thin) John McCain Honorable Attack Generator.

Image via Code Pink.

Barack Obama Takes It to the Hole in a Pair of Very Short Shorts

Into The Wild: The Last of the Democratic Delegates

Classy Hillary Clinton Nominates Obama To The Tearful Strains Of Her Supporters' Hand Claps

Into The Wild: The Last of the Democratic Delegates

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 18:49:00 GMT

This post was written by Sean Flanagan, who is filling in this week...

Finally, after what feels like months of mud slinging back and forth, followed by weeks of uncertainty, Hillary Clinton last night released her diehard delegates into the wild...

Hillary Clinton, who once was the party's dream candidate, has lately been accused of being the kid on the playground that keeps trying a little too hard to be popular and then getting aggressive when they don't come out on top. But luckily, she triumphantly swept aside all that nasty pigeonholing and came out on top at the end of her '08 story.

"The story is that we are working as a team" - Berman

As promised, former President Clinton appeared Wednesday night, suddenly and strongly endorsing Obama as a man "ready for the job."

Though ever charming, Homeslice Bill could hardly get a word in edgewise over the constant cheers and cat calls. The delegates, Democratic wives and husbands, and platoons of Obama supporters fluttered around the convention like it was the last show of a great rock band.

Let's hope that's not the case... after all, there's always 2016. As for Obama/Biden '08, they leave unanswered questions in their wake:

1) Can Obama charge forward to deal with his own baggage?
2) Can Joe Biden make any more awkward references to Georgia? Hopefully, Obama won't hand him the microphone tonight.

Think of it this way - President Barack Obama is the living embodiment of the work, accomplishment and dreams of all of the great African-American men we still celebrate today: MLK, Malcom X, Frederick Douglas. If Barack Obama goes on to win, will he become our greatest black American?

Some great moments in time to consider:

MLK JR.'s Speech
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PbUtL_0vAJk

Sidney Poitier in Guess Whose Coming to Dinner
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=opuEwG0jCPA

Tracy Morgan Out Crazies Britney Spears
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2whjt_C_bP

NOTE: Opinions of our guest bloggers do not necessarily reflect the opinions of other Scanner bloggers, Nerve, or the world at large.

Related:

Freaky FAA Tapes Reveal Obama's Plane Nearly Crashed On July 7th

While You Were Sleeping: Colin Powell To Endorse?

Classy Hillary Clinton Nominates Obama To The Tearful Strains Of Her Supporters' Hand Claps

Hillary Clinton Strikes Back... Or Plays Nice... Tonight At The DNC

Scanner Roundtable: Who's Your VP?

While You Were Sleeping: Dancing With The B-Listers

Classy Hillary Clinton Nominates Obama To The Tearful Strains Of Her Supporters' Hand Claps

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 16:18:00 GMT

Madame Secretary... I move that the Convention suspend the rules...

With these words, a collective chill went up through the nation, especially those one or two million of us who care enough about the country to have seen it live. Meanwhile, the yakking heads at NBC couldn't shut up for two seconds to allow us to hear all of Nancy Pelosi's speech-- thankfully, some of us knew to watch PBS, where Walter Mondale weighed in immediately afterward and reminded us why 1984 was so much like "1984." Or something.

Anyway, the Democrats, with the possible exception of Joe Biden, who lost us about halfway through and then jarred us awake again with his clumsy wrapup, gave us something to remember last night with Beau (Joe, Jr.) Biden's introductory speech, Obama's surprise appearance on stage (it will be his only time inside the convention hall), and even John Kerry's where-was-this-guy-four-year's-ago fiery attack.

We'd like to know what you thought about last night and what you expect to see tonight, based on the following schedule:

7:00PM EDT
Rep. John Lewis, GA introduces Martin Luther King Tribute Video and Martin Luther King III

8:00PM EDT
Musical Performance [is this when will.i.am goes on? - Ed.}

9:55PM EDT
Sen. Dick Durbin, IL introduces Obama’s Video

10:00PM EDT
Obama Video
Obama Acceptance Speech (35 -40 minutes)
Fireworks
Barack, Michelle, VP, Mrs. VP all at podium

Related:

Hillary Clinton Strikes Back... Or Plays Nice... Tonight At The DNC

While You Were Sleeping: The New American Idol Judge

Freaky FAA Tapes Reveal Obama's Plane Nearly Crashed On July 7th

While You Were Sleeping: Colin Powell To Endorse?

GOP Senate Candidate's Son In Hot Water For Racist Facebook Profile

Hillary Clinton Strikes Back... Or Plays Nice... Tonight At The DNC

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 20:01:00 GMT

Hillary Clinton's return to the spotlight this evening will be met with the biggest cheers of the convention at least, one should expect, until Obama's speech on Thursday night...

Below, the full schedule for tonight's "show," plus: did the Dems blow it last night?

7:00PM EDT Economy – “Policy that got us where we are.”
Gov. Kathleen Sebelius, KS, convention co-chair, “GROWING THE ECONOMY”
Gov. Janet Napolitano, AZ, convention co-chair, “GROWING THE ECONOMY”

Gov. Ted Strickland (D) OH. “BUSH FAILED POLICIES”
Gov. Ed Rendell (D) PA. “BUSH FAILED POLICIES”

Gov. Deval Patrick (D) MA. “OBAMA’S ECONOMIC POLICIES”
Sen. Bob Casey Jr., PA. “OBAMA’S ECONOMIC POLICIES”

Gov. Brian Schweitzer (D) MT. “OBAMA ENERGY POLICY.”
Federico Pena, Fmr Energy Sec. “OBAMA ENERGY POLICY.”

8:00PM EDT
Women of the Senate
Sen. Chris Dodd, CT

9:00PM EDT
Al Gore
Libby Ledbetter

10:00PMEDT
Fmr. Gov. Mark Warner, VA. Keynote address
Senator Clinton Video
Clinton introduces her mother
Sen. Hillary Clinton, NY. “Headline Prime Time speaker”
Possible Obama remote live into convention

We're hoping they put Hillary on at a more reasonable time than indicated above (wouldn't it be better if by "Prime Time," they actually meant "we're going up against House reruns and another worthless America's Got Talent half-hour at 8 or 9pm") and that she hits McCain hard. Not on age, not on the Bush stuff, but on the shit that will stick: houses, the continued Republican incompetence on Iraq, the economy, Katrina, and on and on...

Hillary is out best hope to hammer away at McCain's surge (pun intended) in the polls, since, as it became very clear last night, the most aggressive politicking will have to wait until the RNC, where speakers are sure not to whimp out. (Ted Kennedy almost hit Bush on Iraq, but his words were something like "Obama will not try to bring our troops into a pointless war" instead of "John McCain wants another hundred years in Iraq-- this guy wouldn't know a failure if he was playing first base for the '86 Red Sox!" Or... um... whatever.)

Let us know what you thought of the DNC's opening night and what you hope to see tonight and beyond...

Related:

DNC Kicks Off Tonight With Ghosts Of Party Past

Who Would You Rather: House vs. McDreamy

If The Election Were Today... Round Two

The Wit and Wisdom of John McCain

Hillary Dresses Up As Stewardess, World Blocks Out Image

While You Were Sleeping: Colin Powell To Endorse?

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 13:19:00 GMT

Last night, Colin Powell denied he will endorse Barack Obama and speak at the Democratic National Convention.

Assuming he's not just stalling so an official announcement is given at a more effective time, one has to wonder what Fox News, which broke the "story," had intended. Are they trying to hurt Obama by bringing him up just to put him down? Is Powell really going to endorse McCain and, therefore, pulling the rug out from Obama will make Colin's vote more devastating?

Weekly Standard editor Bill Kristol told FOX News exclusively on Wednesday: “He may well give a speech at the Democratic convention explaining his endorsement of Obama.” Kristol, a FOX News contributor [cited] inside sources.

“This is not an absolute done deal, but these people are very confident that Powell will endorse Obama,” Kristol said, adding that he thinks Powell, a Republican, still has “a high respect” for John McCain, Obama’s Republican rival.
“I do not have time to waste on Bill Kristol’s musings,” Powell told ABC News. “I am not going to the convention. I have made this clear.” An endorsement by Powell could go a long way to attracting moderates and wayward Republicans to the presumptive Democratic presidential candidate. [Especially "terrorism and security voters. - Ed.]

How times have changed-- in Ohio in 2004, Democratic districts saw 10-hour long lines while Republicans waited an average of only a few minutes to vote; now, with Democrats controlling much of the government again:

Ohio has created a window in the election calendar that would allow residents instant gratification — register one minute, vote the next. It's also given the campaigns of Democrat Barack Obama and Republican John McCain a chance to bank thousands of first-time voters during that Sept. 30 to Oct. 6 window.

The move will benefit Obama, who enjoys a 2-to-1 lead over McCain among 18- to 34-year-olds, according to a Washington Post-ABC News poll released last month. If Obama's campaign were able to tap into college campuses with one-stop voting, it would add thousands of votes to his tally...

Can this "glitch" and a Powell endorsement help put Obama over the top? Perhaps not, but McCain can't be happy with either...

Via FoxNews and Yahoo!

Elizabeth Edwards: "I Stayed For The Kids"

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 13 Aug 2008 18:39:00 GMT

John Edwards, who is a no-good chauvinist who tried to shrug off (clearly) fathering his girlfriend's child as being okay because he "did not love her," at least told his wife about the affair before the press heard about it and her cancer had returned.

In a detailed story by People:

Elizabeth Edwards was furious and distraught about her husband's betrayal, but she decided to keep her marriage in tact, in large part, because of her terminal cancer and the prospect that her children will one day be motherless, those closest to her said. In 2007, doctors diagnosed Elizabeth with incurable cancer.

A friend of Elizabeth's is quoted as saying that the almost immediate reemergence of Mrs. Edwards's cancer kicked her feelings into high gear, and she was forced to confront her future and make a decision ASAP:

"She couldn't say, 'Well, maybe we'll work through this for years, or maybe we should separate for two years,' " said Hargrave McElroy, Elizabeth's friend. "(The cancer) forced her to choose whether to move forward."
"She was struggling with being out there," McElroy said. "She did strikingly less campaigning than she did" when Edwards was the 2004 Democratic vice presidential nominee.
"Part of the burden for Elizabeth had been the lie," McElroy said. "She anticipated the great relief the truth brings."
But John Edwards' public confession did not bring the relief that Elizabeth anticipated, the magazine reports.
The confession has been crushing to Elizabeth because of how badly her husband's image has been tarnished.

No wonder Elizabeth privately wanted Edwards to endorse Hillary Clinton: the two are practically on the exact same wavelength about their husbands...

[Via the NY Daily News.]

John Edwards Cops To Sexual Affair, But Says "He Did Not Love Her"

Dick Morris Calls Edwards Supporters Bigots

John Edwards' Love Child: Never Meant to Be

This Week In Gayness: My Boyfriend Won't Put Out

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 18:50:00 GMT

If your Dad is a fervent anti-homosexual zealot, best not to brag to his face about having come from the Pride parade.

What, you thought they'd let gay couples on the revamped "Newlywed Game"?

A woman who worked in the Georgia General Assembly claims to have been fired after telling her boss she was "going to live as a woman."

Guess which reality show host is joining the cast of "The L Word" for Season Six?

According to Michael Ausiello of EW.com's the Ausiello Files (Entertainment Weekly online) Elizabeth Berkley, who flirted with the L word during her Showgirls days, is joining the Showtime hit for a multi-episode arc. [Lesbiatopia]

Today is the day our do-nothing Democratic Congress will finally do something: they're planning to take a peek at "Don't Ask, Don't Tell."

Unsurprisingly, the Lesbos of Lesbos island lost their cast against the, um, lesbos of the world. Nice waste of paper, kids.

A Turkish honor killing (aka hate crime), in which a 26-year-old gay man was the victim, shows no signs of any future bright spots: apparently, as is the case in most honor killings, the family left their son's body to rot and the boyfriend has fled the country after warnings from his consulate.

In a Dear Mona column posted today on About.com, one guy asks "Mona" why his boyfriend can say "I still love you" while abstaining from sex and watching a steady stream of porno. Is it a porn addiction or the relationship itself that's the problem? Read the response here.

The Media Thinks It's Finally Figured Out Why Hillary Lost (Hint: It's Not The Media)

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 14:56:00 GMT

It isn't because of this t-shirt.

It isn't because of the Bosnia thing or Obamania or sexism. It isn't because of Geraldine Ferraro or Bill Clinton's dong. It isn't even because she chose a Celine Dion song to bring us into the next four years...

Gail Sheehy's devastating attack on the Hillary Clinton campaign (more so than on Hillary herself-- the article is mostly about how infighting led eventually to the sinking of the ship) in this month's Vanity Fair rehashes many of the rough memories from the primary. For the first time, however, we were ready to read the why's and how's without punching ourselves in the face over the idiocy of Howard Wolfson and Mark Penn, et al...

Sheehy's Reasons Why Hillary Lost (with our notes):

1) Hillary surrounded herself with "brilliant, egocentric, hypercompetitive men." These men were in their 50's and 60's, whereas Obama's staff was younger and were internet-driven-- that is, they were more in touch with the movement.

2) Sheehy comments: "Perversely, in my view, Hillary's chief strategist proved to be an old-fashioned sexist. Penn did not appreciate the strength of her character as a woman." She goes on to note that they tried to make her tough (an attempt to appeal to right-wing-leaning folks who saw her as a liberal do-nothing), then violated a cardinal rule by using her as "her own attack dog, never an appealing role, and one that Senator Obama's surrogates played for him." Plus, "Hillary's loyalists repeatedly challenged Obama's manhood, openly proclaiming to reporters that she was the only candidate with the testicular fortitude to be president."

3) Penn advised Hillary to be "as likable as possible." Somehow, she went from being the most popular person in the party, maybe even more so than her husband, to a symbol of the old, tired guard, willing to attack members of her own party without mercy if it meant winning. "'Now the fun part starts,' she said nonchalantly in December '07, referring to the chance to attack Obama's character. It was a 'cringe moment' for her later pollster, Geoff Garin."

4) Bill Clinton's inability to stay in the background and let the Senator run her own campaign did not help, especially when he veered off message and/or said things that were offensive to black people. Once again, it was men that helped doom Hillary.

5) Sheehy points out Hillary's 20-point lead in October, yet fails to blame that kind of media hype for Hillary's loss. Most supporters agree that the whole "inevitability" angle, pounded into our heads by pundits in the months prior to Iowa, made her loss there a more stunning blow. Had it been presented as a neck-and-neck race, Obama's victory in the first caucus state would have been seen as a squeaker and he may have received a smaller national bounce from it, thus allowing Hillary to snatch up some of the states he eventually did. But maybe not.

6) "Such was the hubris of Hillary's team that they discounted Obama as a passing pop star to non-voters." They also apparently forgot that people still want to read news about Britney Spears, of all people, more than a decade after she first came onto the scene. Think about it.

7) Her campaign spent too much money in Iowa. It "cost Clinton almost $25 million. After that, the Clintons were gun-shy to caucuses." As Joe Trippi points out, this lead to "Obama's entire delegate advantage... [which] is from the caucus states that she didn't contest."

So, just to be clear: Hillary Clinton lost because she picked the wrong team and ran on their wishes, wishes that she run on experience and come off as more hard-line than her opponents, that she appear inevitable, tried and true. It's her fault for not forcing a change in direction and it's their fault for not convincing her it was needed.

They'll be arguing this one for the ages, but if Hillary wants another shot at this, she best look at her own (hiring) decisions and keep these mistakes in mind for the next four years...

Why Did Jesse Jackson Attack Obama?

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 14:16:00 GMT

Why did Jesse Jackson break the rules that you don't attack your party's nominee with a nasty remark about Barack Obama?

Turns out, he was merely venting during a commercial interruption that he thought wasn't being broadcast/recorded.

During a break from taping "Fox & Friends" on Sunday, a fellow guest asked Jackson about speeches on morality Obama has given at black churches. Jackson said at a news conference Wednesday that he responded that Obama's speeches can come off as speaking down to black people and that there were other important issues to be addressed, such as unemployment, the mortgage crisis and the number of blacks in prison.
In September, The State newspaper in South Carolina reported that Jackson had said Obama was "acting like he's white" in his response to the arrest of six black juveniles in Jena, La. Jackson disputed the quote.

While we agreed that Obama should have shown more guts during the days of the Jena Six, we know that Obama isn't going to make everyone happy. There will always be people who want him to do everything for the country and do it all at once. This is unrealistic-- he only has so much time to win over middle-class voters, the centrists who make up "the swing vote." He can't spend all his time talking about one group's problems or what he will do for that one group while in office. Jackson, who would've never made these comments on the record, knows this-- he immediately apologized and pledged his continuing, unwavering support for Obama '08.

The real question is whether this division in the black community will come to the surface-- will more prominent members accuse Obama of "talking white," etc., and turn off previously energized African-Americans? Most pundits argue that it's actually Jackson that looks bad, whereas Obama comes off like a weird cousin of Bill Clinton following Clinton's attacks on Sistah Souljah:

"It will, be damaging to Jesse Jackson, particularly among African-American who are not going to forget what he said. Barack Obama is a unique figure; he is an African-American candidate for president. But he doesn't come out of the civil rights movement like Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton. There could be some resentment because of that. Maybe they feel he should be more deferential to them, pay more respect to his elders" [CNN]

Via Hotline on Call and the AP.

If The Election Were Today... Round One

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 12:55:00 GMT

This will be the first in a series of periodic updates on the electoral college, the only "polls" that matter. (Don't listen to any idiot media person who says "Obama is leading by ###" because it's totally irrelevant and a blatant lie most of the time, since those numbers usually come from a survey of "registered, likely voters" across the nation, which is different from the electoral college. Got it?)

Anyway, let's look at who's really ahead right now...

Dick Morris, ex-Clinton kingmaker and now right-wing operative and FoxNews buffoon, is the country's most consistent pollmaster. Here's what he has to say about the race, as it stands today. (By the way, you don't have to read all this; just scan and jump to the bottom if you'd like.)

STATE	VOTE	00, 04 RESULT	'08 PREDICTION
ALABAMA	EV 9	B,B	LEAN MCCAIN
ALASKA	EV 9	B,B	MCCAIN
ARIZONA	EV 10	B,B	MCCAIN
ARKANSAS	EV 6	B,B	LEAN MCCAIN
CALIFORNIA	EV 55	G,K	OBAMA
COLORADO	EV 9	B,B	TOSS UP
CONNECTICUT	EV 7	G,K	OBAMA
DELAWARE	EV 3	G,K	OBAMA
D.C.	EV 3	G,K	OBAMA
FLORIDA	EV 27	B,B	TOSS UP
GEORGIA	EV 15	B,B	LEAN MCCAIN
HAWAII	EV 4	G,B	LEAN OBAMA
IDAHO	EV 4	B,B	MCCAIN
ILLINOIS	EV 21	G,K	OBAMA
INDIANA	EV 11	B,B	MCCAIN
INDIANA	EV 11	B,B	MCCAIN
IOWA	EV 7	G,B	LEAN OBAMA
KANSAS	EV 6	B,B	MCCAIN
KENTUCKY	EV 8	B,B	MCCAIN
LOUISIANA	EV 9	B,B	MCCAIN
MAINE	EV 4	G,K	OBAMA
MARYLAND	EV 10	G,K	OBAMA
MASSACHUSETTS	EV 12	G,K	OBAMA
MICHIGAN	EV 17	G,K	LEAN OBAMA
MINNESOTA	EV 10	G,K	LEAN OBAMA
MISSISSIPPI	EV 6	B,B	LEAN MCCAIN
MISSOURI	EV 11	B,B	TOSS UP
MONTANA	EV 3	B,B	MCCAIN
NEBRASKA	EV 5	B,B	MCCAIN
NEVADA	EV 5	B,B	LEAN OBAMA
NEW HAMPSHIRE	EV 4	B,K	LEAN OBAMA
NEW JERSEY	EV 15	G,B	OBAMA
NEW MEXICO	EV 5	G,B	LEAN OBAMA
NEW YORK	EV 31	G,B	OBAMA
NORTH CAROLINA	EV 15	B,B	LEAN MCCAIN
NORTH DAKOTA	EV 3	B,B	MCCAIN
OHIO	EV 20	B,B	TOSS UP
OKLAHOMA	EV 7	B,B	MCCAIN
OREGON	EV 7	G,K	OBAMA
PENNSYLVANIA	EV 21	G,K	LEAN OBAMA
RHODE ISLAND	EV 4	G,K	OBAMA
SOUTH CAROLINA	EV 8	B,B	LEAN MCCAIN
SOUTH DAKOTA	EV 3	B,B	MCCAIN
TENNESSEE	EV 11	B,B	MCCAIN
TEXAS	EV 30	B,B	MCCAIN
UTAH	EV 5	B,B	MCCAIN
VERMONT	EV 3	G,K	OBAMA
VIRGINIA	EV 13	B,B	LEAN MCCAIN
WASHINGTON	EV 11	G,K	OBAMA
WEST VIRGINIA	EV 5	B,B	MCCAIN
WISCONSIN	EV 10	G,K	LEAN OBAMA
WYOMING	EV 3	B,B	MCCAIN

McCain Total = 202

LEAN MCAIN    = 72
MCCAIN          = 130

Obama Total = 269

OBAMA           = 186
LEAN OBAMA   = 83

TOSS UP      = 67

To make this easier, let's look at his "Toss Ups" and make some educated guesses to get our final tally.

COLORADO: Colorado is hosting the Democratic National Convention, which could both hurt and boost Obama's chances (for example, we recall a lot of Bush Republicans hating their candidate after their New York neighborhoods were turned upside down four years ago.) Nonetheless, let's give this one to Obama, since the state is moving toward the Democratic column in general. Obama +9.

FLORIDA: This one's easy, especially if McCain picks Governor Charlie Crist, as is our prediction. We give it to him anyway. McCain +27.

MISSOURI: McCain should win this one in a squeaker, although we'd love to see a competitive race in Missouri, which would give the state some much-needed financial attention. If the race were held today, we'd say: McCain +11.

OHIO: As in 2004, it's going to come down to Ohio. Obama and McCain both know this-- but how well do their campaigns? Kerry could've called in the UN Fraud Inspec-- nah, he wouldn't have the guts to do that, and it might've backfired. Anyway, we would put our money on Obama this time-- there is no Republican in power in the state that could send broken or insufficient numbers of voting machines to black (i.e. Democratic) neighborhoods to doom the Dem candidate. It's a popular Governor on the Blue Team this time around, and he'll make sure this fight is fair. That means Obama +20.

By this rationale:

MCCAIN WINS 240 ELECTORAL VOTES

OBAMA WINS 294 ELECTORAL VOTES

And if Ohio goes to McCain:

McCain wins 260 Electoral Votes

Obama wins 274 Electoral Votes

Wait, you're saying, I just contradicted myself. In a way, no-- as I said, it will come down to Ohio. Obama must win Ohio because he will most likely lose in at least one of the states we have given him. It's just too early in the race and he's coming off a huge bump in polling, following Hillary's withdrawal. In other words, bad news for McCain, although he knows that it's easier to pull ahead than to stay on top for four more months.

Via Dick Morris.

McCain Supporters Prove Idiots Continue To Procreate

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 17:52:00 GMT

Part of the problem is that you won't even be surprised what McCain Democrats are saying about Obama. Nonetheless, this stuff is still scary as hell...

Kirstie Hartle of Rome, N.Y., a registered Democrat who has never supported a Republican presidential candidate [said that] with Clinton out of the race, "I'm Republican all the way now."
She said she doesn't like Obama's name and thinks he has a questionable background. She also said she thought Obama was deceitful when he broke from his church after it hurt his campaign, and she doesn't trust him to handle the Iraq war.

"It sounds to me like a Middle Eastern type of name and whether or not he's born here in the United States, he doesn't seem like, to me, somebody who is trustworthy," Hartle said in a telephone interview. "You can't trust anybody these days, so who's to say he's not a terrorist and we just don't realize it yet?" [Right-- but, um, doesn't that mean McCain could also be a terrorist? Or maybe even... you?? Ed.]

When asked an open-ended question about the first words that come to mind about Obama, some former Clinton supporters used words like Muslim or terrorist. Those misconceptions have been fueled by Internet rumors that point out his name is Barack Hussein Obama but otherwise lie about his background.

"I refuse to vote for an Arab to be in my White House," said retired salesman Dean Johnson of Lanett, Ala. "That is the only factor. Otherwise, you couldn't break both my legs and make me vote for a Republican."

Never mind that John McCain, who was born in Panama, could arguably be deemed "unqualified" to be President based on this kind of logic, you readers know all this stuff is untrue, right? Barack Obama is from Hawaii, is not an Arab, Muslim, or anything else that racist, ignorant, bigoted, idiotic, right-wing Democrats (and Republicans) mislabel him as. And if he was, fuck you, John McCain is a Panamanian Vietnamese spy who staged the moon landing while pretending to be in a POW prison camp. So there.

Via the Associated Press.

Survey Says: Obama Wins By Millions Of Votes, Loses Anyway

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 14:46:00 GMT

Let's look at the rundown:

1) COLORADO: Obama 43, McCain 41, other 8, undecided 7.

2) GEORGIA: McCain 44, Obama 43, Barr 6, undecided 7. (Margin of error: +/- 5%)

3) OHIO: Obama 47, McCain 42.

4) PENNSYLVANIA: Obama 48, McCain 41.

5) MICHIGAN: McCain 42, Obama 41.

6) WISCONSIN: Obama 49, McCain 41.

7) NEW HAMPSHIRE: McCain 45, Obama 43.

8) VIRGINIA: Tied at 44.

9) FLORIDA: McCain 47, Obama 42.

10) MISSOURI: Tied at 43.

Meanwhile, Politico has a scenario in which even, should these crazy numbers hold up (which they won't), McCain still takes it:

Here’s the scenario: Obama racks up huge margins among the increasingly affluent, highly educated and liberal coastal states, while a significant increase in turnout among black voters allows him to compete — but not to win — in the South. Meanwhile, McCain wins solidly Republican states such as Texas and Georgia by significantly smaller margins than Bush’s in 2004 and ekes out narrow victories in places such as North Carolina, which Bush won by 12 points but Rasmussen presently shows as a tossup, and Indiana, which Bush won by 21 points but McCain presently leads by just 11.

One possible result: Even as the national mood moves left, the 2004 map largely holds. Obama’s 32 new electoral votes from Nevada, New Mexico, Colorado and Virginia are offset by 21 new electoral votes for McCain in Michigan and New Hampshire — and despite a 2- or 3-point popular vote victory for Obama, America wakes up on Jan. 20 to a President McCain.

We at Scanner believe the Electoral College is unconstitutional (thanks to that vague old "All men are created equal" thing), but it's too late change it for 2008...

Chelsea Clinton: No Comment On Barack

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 18 Jun 2008 18:36:00 GMT

We were involved in our first paparazzi chase on Monday night on the way to our birthday dinner, when TMZ's cameraman almost knocked us over to get video footage of Chelsea Clinton talking about her mother's rival...

We can't embed the video (fucking TMZ), but the point isn't the video. It's 42 seconds and Chelsea uncomfortably tries to avoid commenting on Barack Obama. What, you can't say, "while I wish my mother had won, I'm behind Senator Obama 111%?"

By the way, we can tell you that everybody-- and we do mean everybody-- on the streets of New York's Soho neighborhood stopped and stared as the parade of photographers raced after, encircled, and lunged at Chelsea Clinton, while TMZ's guy kept asking her whether she'd support Obama. We hadn't seen a spectacle like that since Sean Fucking Connery sat by a window eating Japanese food in a restaurant on the Upper East Side. He literally stopped traffic.

Anyway, it was a nice birthday present to myself-- after all, everyone knows I have a thing for Chelsea (see below.) Let's just hope she stops avoiding supporting Obama (which her parents will probably do) and do what needs to be done for the country: get a Democrat, any Democrat, into the White House.

Previously: I Hate Myself For Loving You, Chelsea Clinton

Join The Progressive Book Club

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 17 Jun 2008 17:25:00 GMT

Dave Eggers, Barbara Kingsolver, Michael Chabon, and other liberal authors who don't write about politics have put together the latest nerd sensation.

The Progressive Book Club, which officially launched Monday, combines the offerings of a traditional book club with the interactive features of an online social network and the ideals of a grass-roots political party.

[The above authors] are among the editorial board members for the new club, which offers a selection of works each month, at discounts from 10 percent to 40 percent, and perhaps up to 80 percent. For most sales, the club will donate $2 on the member's behalf to a range of educational, environmental and other organizations.

We'd have suggested "The Book on Bush" by Eric Alterman and Mark Green, plus "Don't Think of An Elephant" by George Lakoff... but those are pretty dated titles. Sounds like they'll have political books by people like Joe Conason, plus books by the founders of the club and good books with at least some progressive content or message (Watership Down, etc.), with that $2 being the real "progressive part."

What would you recommend?

Via Yahoo! / Photo via Bloomberg

Fox Claims Child Prostitution Will Increase During Democratic Convention

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 17 Jun 2008 16:21:00 GMT

The village idiots running My Fox Colorado have taken the cake this time.

Seth Donovan, director of the Praxus project, said she "isn't sure," but she is concerned the upcoming convention is leading to an increase in pimps and escort services trying to turn kids into prostitutes."

There used to be three calls a month of kids being approached. "In the last two months it's jumped to ten to fifteen youth a month," Donovan says.

Los Angeles police say prostitution jumped there in 2000 when it held the DNC.

Of course, there is almost no mention of a little counter-event called the Republican National Convention: the only line about the RNC is at the very end of the article, and tries its damndest to disguise the fact that this is a partisan attack job on the Democrats in a big swing state. Nope, Fox News isn't interested in fair and balanced news, which would've meant more emphasis on the fact that all major American conventions boost the slave trade.

If Fox can get away with that kind of crap, then so maybe can we. Folks, you heard it here first: Gay Bathroom Sex Will Rise During The Republican National Convention. Hell, that's probably not even a rumor anymore...

Via MyFox.

What Obama And McCain Can Learn From 1884

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 10 Jun 2008 19:30:00 GMT

The Presidential election of 1884 was a huge turning point in American politics. Among its many highlights: the vaulting of Grover Cleveland to the White House, the first Democrat to assume that position since before the Civil War.

Most importantly, there are several eerie parallels between '84 and '08 (2008, that is) that should make Obama, McCain, and even Clinton stop to think...

At the beginning of the 1884 campaign cycle (which was mercifully shorter and without primaries back then), President Chester Arthur (remember him?) was looking to coast to an easy re-election victory. After all, he was a Republican President in an era of Lincoln worship. But, as the Republican National Convention approached in June of that year, another Republican leaped onto the national scene. His name was James G. Blaine and he had the support of delegates from major "swing states" like Pennsylvania and even Southern states the party never, ever won.

The problem was, Blaine's past and experience had been questioned and the faint whiff of scandal followed him throughout the campaign. At the convention, Congressman William McKinley from Ohio tried to keep order, while New York State Assemblyman Theodore Roosevelt waged an insurgent campaign on behalf of independent-minded Senator Edmunds of Vermont.

At the convention, Roosevelt's bitter battle nearly fractured the party-- one delegate commented he'd been at the birth and now the death of the Republican Party. In the end, James G. Blaine defeated the sitting President for the nomination-- something attempted disastrously in modern times by Reagan ('76) and Ted Kennedy ('80.) In this case, as in those, the Party ended up losing the Presidential election.

But here's where it gets interesting:

The Democrats chose relative longshot New York Governor Grover Cleveland to head their ticket. Immediately, Roosevelt and other Republican stalwarts spread the (true) rumor that Cleveland had father a child out of wedlock with a widow. (Cleveland was a bachelor at the time and married a 21-year old in the White House.) Miraculously, this curse did not work, particularly since Cleveland's campaign merely shrugged at the charges and moved on.

Meanwhile, Blaine was digging his political grave. A true October surprise-- on October 29th, exactly one week prior to the election, Blaine was in New York for a campaign event. According to historian Edmund Morris:

"[A] garrulous Presbyterian minister, with Blaine standing at his side, publicly accused the Democratic party of representing 'rum, Romanism, and rebellion.' The candidate, who was only half-listening, did not react... and therefore seemed to condone it. [The phrase was reported to] Cleveland headquarters, just one block away.
Within hours, it had been telegraphed to every Democratic newspaper in the country. Headlines and handbills amplified the insult a millionfold. Overnight, Blaine's support among anti-prohibitionists, Catholics, and Southerners shrank away...
Grover Cleveland became the nation's first Democratic President in a quarter of a century..."

If you haven't figured it out already, reverse the Party affiliations and you have the 2008 Presidential campaign, from one perspective, up until now. But there's more to it than that:

Meanwhile, future President Teddy Roosevelt was thinking beyond that year's election... to the next one. Despite being a staunch supporter of the reform candidate and a very vocal hater of all that his party's nominee stood for, nonetheless, Roosevelt campaigned for him. In the short run, he disgraced his good name among the press and members of his own party who had backed the Senator from Vermont. But Roosevelt was one shrewd young dude:

He did not realize his luck, but a Republican victory might have destroyed his chances of ever becoming President. The grateful Blaine would have offered him a government post... Roosevelt [would be] associated with the corrupt Old Guard...

...while, had he had backed the Democrat who ended up winning, he would have been resented by his own Party. In other words

a Republican defeat was the best thing that could have happened to Roosevelt in 1884.

Just 17 years later, Teddy would become the youngest-ever President of the United States. Hillary Clinton could learn a lot from her history book... and so could John McCain, if he plays his cards right... after all, all Obama haters still talk about is a controversial Christian pastor who insulted their patriotism and beliefs...

To be continued...

Hillary: Did She Or Didn't She?

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 09 Jun 2008 15:15:00 GMT

It seemed obvious to us that Hillary Clinton's endorsement of Barack Obama on Saturday was fairly solid and from the heart. Others are not at all convinced and smell trouble ahead...

Commenters on Digg and other blogs do not trust Hillary Clinton and so can never take her word at face value. Just because she dropped out, they say, doesn't mean she's given up. She suspended but did not terminate her campaign, which means she keeps her pledged delegates and takes them to the convention-- and she can still accept donations. Rumors are flying that Hillary (or even McCain) may have dirt on Obama and may bring it out just before the Denver coronation, hoping to derail Obama's nomination or at least throw the convention into chaos. McCain's motivation there would be obvious (he'd have a better chance of winning if the Democrats are in disarray), while Clinton's less so: could she use her supporters to make him look weak and thus throw the nomination her way or will she merely bargain with them for the VP shot?

We'll be mulling this question between now and then... because there probably won't be anything interesting until the August showdown...

Perverted Massachusetts Democrat Must Worship JFK

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 09 Jun 2008 14:35:00 GMT

Marilyn Monroe serenading President Kennedy with a birthday song.

A rogue Massachusetts representative is refusing, despite repeated controversy, to resign his seat and has gone on a wild tear through the mean streets of Brookline. The men with the butterfly nets finally caught State Sen. Jim Marzilli this weekend, and sent him to McLean Hospital, where kooks like Sylvia Plath, James Taylor (who it was rumored wrote "Fire And Rain" here), and "A Beautiful Mind's" John Nash all stayed. His checkered past follows him nevertheless and even Teddy Kennedy is said to have cringed at these allegations...

Marzilli was arrested this week in Lowell on charges that include assault and lewd and lascivious conduct. Police said that in once incident the senator grabbed a woman by the crotch and then fled, with police following him on foot through the city.

Police said that at least five women have come forward with complaints, including one who said he followed her making obscene comments. Marzilli was released on $1,500 bail.

$1,500?! That's all? Damn... guess the Democrats still do have a stranglehold among the elitists and homeless people running rampant in the streets. (You know we're kidding, right? Okay, then.)

[The legislator] says he will not run for re-election but will not resign either. [UPI]

With all his money, why doesn't this limousine liberal buy the state constitution and change his job description to say "legislator fo' life"? In any case, we'll fill you in on the details of this emerging scandal...

Top 5 Things McCain Should Do Now

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 18:00:00 GMT

John McCain, who will be President from 2009-2009, is running an insurgent campaign against the forces of Barack Hussein Obama, scion of the Royal Husseins of 9/11-loving Iraq. The man was "Rescue Dawn" before Herzog stole his life story. Hell, he was Chuck Norris before "Missing in Action," punk.

And that's why John McCain will destroy Barack with a IED strike on his anti-American church compound... or, at least, use this five tried and true Republican tactics to misinform the public and seize the election from the Democrats...

5. The Iraq War continues to fade from public view. It's already happening, thanks to a slew of positive news for the first time in our five year hostile takeover.

4. Cindy McCain is given her meds and locked in a dungeon in one of her 38 mansions, while Johnny and crew are out calling pauper Barack an "elitist trillionaire."

3. Play the race card against Obama. In fact, McCain is already taking the Bill Clinton-in-South-Carolina style of campaigning to heart.

2. Swift Boat the shit out of the Democrat. 2004 proved the media and the public are willing to let a group of Republican hacks and phonies run a decorated Veteran, whose story was backed by witnesses who were actually there, straight into the political ground. You don't think they're going to get away with it this time, with a guy whose patriotism, experience, and expertise has already been under heavy fire?

1. Pick Charlie Crist or any other swing state Governor to join the ticket. (Bonus points if the Obama picks a Democrat with high national negatives who will likely GOTV for the Republican base, such as... well, you know who.)

DISCLAIMER: Before anyone gets all uppity about this, especially #3, remember that we don't actually want McCain to do any of these things, but just that he will if he's going to win...

Previously: Top 5 Things Obama Should Do Now.

Obama: Let The Backlash Begin

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 15:51:00 GMT

As usual, the Democratic Party would rather lose than not have everything they've ever wanted in a candidate. Republicans get up earlier, are better at messaging, controlling the debate and the media, and know how to compromise. Which is why they have a strong independent candidate in John McCain, who will be tough for any opponent to defeat.

Meanwhile, the Democrats, long after Obama was the inevitable nominee, continued to vote for Hillary Clinton instead of rallying around the winner and shoring up his chances for the general. If the party members themselves are this disgruntled about their nominee, then how are they to win over independents and Republicans over the next five months?

Nope, a majority of Hillary Clinton supporters would rather, they say, vote for McCain than their second choice, who is just as good on every issue (if not better, especially if we're talking about Iraq) except for healthcare. Are they mad at some perceived injustice perpetuated by the Obama campaign? If not, there's really no reason to dislike the guy and not vote for him. He campaigned hard and well, and avoided sexist or other nasty attacks. So, why doesn't he deserve your vote?