Scanner : Daniel Craig

Sloppy Seconds: No Bullet-Proof Bras For You

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 07 May 2009 22:36:00 GMT

Check out this badass panda ripping some guy's jacket right off his back.

The days of pervy conservatives keeping an eye out for Splash Mountain topless photos are over. Flash away!

What do we think of this list of the Top 10 reasons men don't want sex? (We thought all ten would be "They're not attracted to you.")

Heidi Montag says she'll stay married to Spencer Brat forever. We give it six months, or one more season.

Mia Farrow is still going strong with her hunger strike, which is now at Day 11.

NYC teens are furious Bristol Palin, the "hypocrite," is in town promoting abstinence, which she had said was "unrealistic."

Screengrab picked the ten worst movies of all time-- and almost none of them were on MST3K.

"There is no such thing as a bullet-proof bra!"

Don't forget: passport rules for Mexico and Canada go into effect at the end of the month, not that anyone can afford a vacation these days.

And Will Smith wants to play a black James Bond. Great, just what we need-- pass over Idris Elba for a Hollywood action star-- that's just what the franchise needs.

Sloppy Seconds: These Boobs Are Made of Magic

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 07 May 2009 00:20:00 GMT

You may need to right-click these links to open them in a new tab/window.

Here's your Fark-ready story of the day: the speed camera guy was caught speeding!

As if Michael Jackson doesn't have enough problems, he's being sued by a former publicist for $44 million.

The world just discovered that kids are inspired to have sex after watching TV.

Your headline of the day: "Q: What do you do when your little girl is playing with her brother's penis?"

These boobs can do magical tricks.

Wouldn't it be amazing if Stringer Bell became James Bond after Daniel Craig.

Bristol Palin thinks abstinence works. Just when we were beginning to think she was intelligent.

And Kiefer Sutherland had a fight. Unfortunately, it wasn't for 24.

Top 5 Sex Scenes Involving Lingerie

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 20:38:00 GMT

Every guy has a childhood story about finding the nudie mags under their friend's dad's bed. Ours involves raiding our best friend's father's Playboy collection, dating back to the mid-sixties, and going over centerfolds ranging from famous rock groupie Bebe Buell to Vicki Iovine, wife of the great record producer Jimmy Iovine.

But we always got bored with the nude women posing in the same exact way. We ended up digging to the bottom for the Victoria's Secret catalog with Elle MacPherson on the cover. To us, the tease was better than the full monty.

With that in mind, here are Five of our Favorite Sex Scenes Featuring Lingerie...

5. Gia. This first surfaced on the internet entitled "Banned Lingerie Commercial." Yeah, right-- even lingerie commericals aren't this hot. Should this automatically be #1 on any list of anything, including lists that have nothing to do with sex? Yes. Are we too lazy to move it to the bottom of this post? Indeed.

4. Two Days in the Valley. Skip to 0:22 to the part where James Spader finally shuts up when Charlize and her long, long, long legs enter the bedroom... and then they both don't shut up. Ever.

3. Mutual Needs. Is this a porno? Rochelle Swanson's in it, so it must be... but who's complaining? If you have five minutes to kill today, this is how you should spend it.

2. Layer Cake. Skip to 1:30 to build on the hotness. Thinking that this PG-13 movie would be lacking in uncomfortable sex scenes, we decided a Daniel Craig action movie might be a good choice for a post-Thanksgiving dinner. Whoops. Sienna Miller here explains why she is able to hypnotize men into leaving their wives-- she just pops in a DVD of this scene:

1. El Beso del Sueno. Maribel Verdu from Y Tu Mama Tambien and... some old guy... in what was obviously her audition for the famous blockbuster Alfonse Cuaron film. Did that movie top this one in her terms of hotness? Of course... but don't miss the close up of Verdu's panties... Cuaron didn't think of that.

Bonus: Lori Loughlin from Full House in what may or may not be lingerie (or is a simple dress?) from Suckers.

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While You Were Sleeping: The Black James Bond?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 07 Nov 2008 15:43:00 GMT

What do you Republicans out there think of this site, called Rebuild the Party, which looks at various ways the GOP can get back on track?

Full-length feature films, albeit with a couple of ads here and there, will be streaming via YouTube soon. Say goodbye to $15 movies, guys...

Check out why Melissa Etheridge is our absolute hero today...

Okay. So Prop 8 passed. Alright, I get it. 51% of you think that I am a second class citizen. Alright then. So my wife, uh I mean, roommate? Girlfriend? Special lady friend? You are gonna have to help me here because I am not sure what to call her now. Anyways, she and I are not allowed the same right under the state constitution as any other citizen. Okay, so I am taking that to mean I do not have to pay my state taxes because I am not a full citizen. I mean that would just be wrong, to make someone pay taxes and not give them the same rights, sounds sort of like that taxation without representation thing from the history books.

Okay, cool I don't mean to get too personal here but there is a lot I can do with the extra half a million dollars that I will be keeping instead of handing it over to the state of California.

Could this be the beginning of a new era of protest not seen since Vietnam or, better yet, pre-1776? Let's hope so-- these people need a wakeup call and if taxes is the issue that does it, so be it.

Will an anti-war Senator take over where Joe Biden leaves off? Because we could get behind that...

For those of you who enjoyed the widely-panned first one, Kim Cattrall wants you to know the sequel, which she is all but promising, is going to be a classic.

Daniel Craig thinks the next, or some future James Bond, could be, um, "coloured." We never thought of it before-- but now that we have, there are plenty of great actors out there that would fit that description.

The Election Is Over... And Now The Truth Comes Out

Today It's Porn Vs. Halloween For Kevin Smith

Sloppy Seconds: Phillies Fan Gives Her Team A Big Boost

While You Were Sleeping: Jennifer Aniston's Big News

How The World Watches Porn Now

Cosmo Names The Sexiest Man In the Universe...

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 16:01:00 GMT

It's a known fact that men get better with age. That goes a long way toward explaining why two dudes in their mid-forties topped Cosmopolitan's poll of The World's Sexiest Men. But only one... can be #1....

First: it should be noted before we get started that this appears to be a British survey... does that change your prediction? (Not for us, but it certainly explains the presence of Pierce Brosnan and the members of Take That.)

And the winner is...

Ladies and dudes who enjoy the male form, what do you think of their pick, as well as runner-up George Clooney (47!) and the other 23 choices...?

1 Johnny Depp, 45
2 George Clooney, 47
3 Jake Gyllenhaal, 27
4 Daniel Craig, 40
5 Brad Pitt, 44
6 James McAvoy, 29
7 JustinTimberlake, 27
8 Will Smith, 40
9 David Beckham, 33
10 Wentworth Miller, 36
11 Christian Bale, 34
12 Jonathan Rhys Meyers, 31
13 Take That: Gary Barlow, 37, Mark Owen, 36, Howard Donald, 40 and Jason Orange, 38
14 Ashton Kutcher, 30
15 Dermot O''Leary, 35
16 David Tennant, 37
17 Patrick Dempsey, 42
18 Clive Owen, 44
19 Pierce Brosnan, 55
20 Mark Ronson, 33
21 Gordon Ramsay, 41
22 Russell Brand, 33
23 Pharrell Williams, 35
24 Ryan Reynolds, 31
25 Olivier Martinez, 42

Related:

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Does Esquire Magazine Hate Johnny Depp Or Something?

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Halloween Contest: Horror Movie Victims You'd Like to F*ck

Crushes of the Week: Johnny/Jude/Colin to replace Heath in Unfinished Role

Regarding Matt Damon: We See Your "Meh," Nicole, and Raise You an "Eff Yeah"

Man Buys Camera On Ebay, Finds Treasure Trove Of MI6 Secret Documents

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 13:44:00 GMT

It's a situation we've all fantasized or feared: we buy a camera for a mere thirty bills on Ebay and it turns out the camera is formerly the property of a secret agent... is he going to come kill you or ask politely for his memory card back?

- An anonymous bidder ended up with a still SLR camera for a mere 17 English quid, then checked to see what the previous owner had left behind...
- A document marked "top secret" that detailed an MI6 encrypted computer system
- Pictures of rocket launchers and missiles
- A hand-drawn graphic revealing links between active al-Qaeda cells, including names and occupations of suspected terrorists
- Information about Abdul al-Hadi al-Iraqi, one of al-Qaeda’s highest-ranking lieutenants, who was captured by the CIA in 2007 and is currently being held at Gitmo. [Tech-Ex]

If we had found this, we would have immediately sent it back to the guy saying that we couldn't figure out how to turn it on, then promptly change our address and move all our relatives out of the country. Luckily, this story has a happy ending... so far...

Turns out, the police didn't believe our hero, turning him away...

Yet within days Special Branch, the team of specialist anti-terror officers based in every county force, descended on his humble terraced home.
They took away the camera and the family’s PC and spent £1,000 replacing them.
Officers banned the shocked family from talking to the media.

Guess the one-grand wasn't enough to cover those expenses (only a thousand?) Apparently, the Sun in the UK pays a whole lot better for info than MI6 pays for desktop computers...

Via the Sun.

Related:

New Gemma Arterton Sex Scene Steams Us Up For Bond 22

While You Were Sleeping: Don't Drink The Drinking Water, People

James Bond Isn't the Only Gay British Special Agent

Newly Released Files Reveal: Julia Child Was A Spy!

New Gemma Arterton Sex Scene Steams Us Up For Bond 22

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 15 Sep 2008 19:41:00 GMT

Gemma Arterton may not be the sexiest but she is inarguably the cutest Bond Girl ever cast. We were already dying to see Bond 22 (aka "Quantum of Solace"-- ugh, come on, what is it, directed by George Lucas?) without her involvement and now, with her casting and the following screencaps and sex scene clip from her latest film, we're positively foaming at the mouth...

Exclusive full-length version of the scene below. If that's down for any reason, you can watch another, lower-quality version here.

Above is a screenshot from the minute-long sex fest. Here's Gemma in bed with that dude from the BBC version of The Office, who is the luckiest nebbish alive:

The hell with that... back to the sex scene.

Related:

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Jamie Bell's First Sex Scene Marred By Boner

We Boiled Mena Suvari's Sex Movie Down To Its Most Watchable Moments

While You Were Sleeping: All The Harry Potter Kids Are Getting Naked

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New Bond Movie Should Have Stuck With "Bond 22"

James Bond Isn't the Only Gay British Special Agent

Nicole Pasulka — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 16:57:00 GMT

We told you a minute ago that in the upcoming James Bond movie Daniel Craig will get into some hot man-on-man action, and it turns out the secret agent's gayness may have some real life models. According to the Associated Press Britain's domestic spy agency also known as M15 is on the hunt for gay recruits.

Garry Hindle, the head of security and counterintelligence at the Royal United Services Institute for Defense and Security Studies, said MI5's inclusion in the gay and lesbian job guide is about inclusion, but it's also about image.

"They're trying to portray themselves as an open, inclusive organization that's working for the good of the community," Hindle said. But "it does need diverse members of society to be able to access the diverse members of society that they may have interest in."

Right so they're looking for gay recruits to promote the "image" of themselves as open and, most importantly, because gay recruits will help them spy on gay people. Brilliant!

This Week In Gayness: Doctors Shocked To Learn They Can't Reject Gay Patients

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 14:51:00 GMT

Is anyone surprised to learn that a conservative "family values" champion has completely misconstrued the truth in print? Johnathan Trapp suggests on the Concerned Women For America website (although, of course, not being of the womanly persuasion is no "strike one" on an anti-feminist site for women) that the rights of priests and others are being violated because gay marriages are being "forced" upon them. Never mind that even those who haven't even read about California's new law can probably guess that no one in the United States is forced to wed any couple if they don't want to...

This whole anti-gay = anti-McDonald's movement has grown more insane than we thought it ever could be...

Guess why Westboro Baptist Church, our top pick for the site of the next nuclear missile tests, is calling John Edwards a "fag enabler":

Westboro Baptist Church (WBC), the anti-gay Christian organisation, has voiced the opinion that John Edwards is "cursed" by God.

Edwards... has been part of the campaign to end the U.S. military's "don't ask, don't tell" policy...

The WBC claimed on Saturday 16th that Edwards is a "fag enabler", who attacked the WBC for "preaching God's holy truth about fags."

Ah, history lessons: some Germans vandalized an ode to homosexual victims of the Holocaust.

McCain danced around gay marriage, while Obama ~~hopefully lied~~ reiterated his opposition to it.

Wait, someone would dedicate their life and career to giving medical help and advice, thus saving lives and contributing to the greater humanity... but would actually refuse to treat a person who happens to be gay? Normally, we're very worried about how few Americans are going into the medical profession, but we'd totally advocate stripping these people of their licenses...

California doctors who have religious objections to gays and lesbians must nevertheless treat them the same as any other patient or find a colleague in the office who will do so, the state Supreme Court ruled unanimously Monday. [San Francisco Chronicle]

And finally... will there be a gay James Bond?

Related:

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Anti-Gay Alabama Attorney General Busted in Bed With A Man?

This Week in Gayness: Virginia Accidentally Marries Gay Men

Newly Released Files Reveal: Julia Child Was A Spy!

Crush of the Week: Gemma Arterton, James Bond's Rebound Girl

Newly Released Files Reveal: Julia Child Was A Spy!

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 14:35:00 GMT

The National Archives has just released contents of this country's WWII-era OSS files. The OSS, you may remember, started as the Office of Strategic Services and eventually morphed into that Alias show. Several celebrity names were mentioned in the documents, the most interesting being your favorite kook in the kitchen...

Walter Mess, who handled covert OSS operations in Poland and North Africa, said he kept quiet for more than 50 years, only recently telling his wife of 62 years about his OSS activity.

"I was told to keep my mouth shut," said Mess, now 93 and living in Falls Church, Va.

The files provide new information even for those most familiar with the agency. Charles Pinck, president of the OSS Society created by former OSS agents and their relatives, said the nearly 24,000 employees included in the archives far exceed previous estimates of 13,000.

The newly released documents will clarify these and other issues, Cunliffe said.

"We're saying the OSS was a lot bigger than they were saying," he said.

Besides our man in North Africa, we have to thank Julia Child, movie star Sterling Hayden, historian Arthur Schlesinger, Jr., and thousands more:

Child's file shows that in her OSS application, she included a note expressing regret she left an earlier department store job hastily because she did not get along with her boss, said William Cunliffe, an archivist who has worked extensively with the OSS records at the National Archives.

The OSS files offer details about other agents, including Supreme Court Justice Arthur Goldberg, major league catcher Moe Berg... John Hemingway, son of author Ernest Hemingway; Kermit Roosevelt, son of President Theodore Roosevelt; and Miles Copeland, father of Stewart Copeland, drummer for the band The Police. [AP/Yahoo]

Unfortunately, the news stories don't relate exactly what Julia (and the others) did for the OSS? We'd love it if she turned out to have been a badass assassin like the Daniel Craig James Bond or a kickass cleaner/sweeper or whatever it's called-- you know, like the Julia Stiles character in the Bourne movies. Any ideas?

Related:

I Love Myself For Hating You: The Bourne Movies

Crush of the Week: Gemma Arterton, James Bond's Rebound Girl

Sloppy Seconds: Hillary Clinton's Latest Theory

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 21:00:00 GMT

Women in Nigeria are walking naked in the streets to protest the questionable circumstances surrounding a monarch's death.

Two wrestlers from the University of Nebraska are under investigation after it was reported they are both gay porn stars.

Some dudes in Sweden have lodged formal complaints against pharmacies that sell sex toys, complaining that most of these shops discriminate against men with their female-focused stock. Wait, they have sex toys in pharamacies over there? Hell, you can't even buy Plan B at pharmacies in the States!

Did John McCain copy his speech today from Wikipedia?

Salma Hayek is planning a wedding reality show. Judging by how few people cared about our post about her singledom, the show should do real fine...

Selma Blair thinks Americans are deluded.

Hillary's team's 845th theory as to why they lost: the media's lack of investigation into the Edwards affair rumors when they first surfaced.

And Daniel Craig may be getting married. Although since when does a man buying champagne mean he's getting married and not a very lucky, soon-to-be-drunk friend?

Related:

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Sloppy Seconds: It's Friday And Salma Hayek Is Single

Top 10 Things Younger Than John McCain

The Media Thinks It's Finally Figured Out Why Hillary Lost (Hint: It's Not The Media)

Scanner Highs And Lows: Sweden Or Sexism?

16 Year Old Boy Figures Out How To Rip Off Sex Offenders, Get Rich

Sloppy Seconds: Brad and Angelina and the French Brawl

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 21:41:00 GMT

Why is today the day that everyone is quitting on the B-list celebs? First, Kathy Griffin's assistant bailed on her, say she couldn't take it anymore. Now, Heather Mills' short-term and severely-suffering publicist has resigned after Mills called her "stupid."

Um, rejoice? Sean Combs is not getting married after all.

Nobody cares about the X-Files sequel?

Somebody named Daniel tried to sell two tickets to the Oscars on Craigslist, but Craig ratted him out. Craig... Daniel... Craig... Daniel... we wonder who the guilty party is?

A couple of "photographers" i.e. Peeping Toms with cameras and no sense of shame or privacy laws were beaten up by Brad and Angelina's bodyguards after being caught in full camouflage on the couple's French estate.

Robert Rodriguez and Rose McGowan are still together-- in fact, they may be bringing Red Sonja to movie theaters soon...

And best not to ask if a passenger in another car has any Grey Poupon: that person may be armed.

Sloppy Seconds: It's Friday, How About A "Love Vacation"?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 21:20:00 GMT

The woman accused of poisoning her Marine husband in order to obtain his $250K insurance policy and buy herself breast implants has been vindicated. [CNN]

Woah! Jay and Bey are gonna get an annulment? At a Barack Obama fundraiser the other night, Jay Z was on stage when the DJ put on his centuries-old duet with his new bride. Jay went crazy, it was reported.

Storming to the mic, he yelled: "Fuck that. Sorry Bey, but fuck that - let's play something else."

Beyonce allegedly, and quite correctly, took offense and stormed off the stage... but not before tripping and falling down a flight of stairs. (Kidding!) [The Mirror]

Without a doubt, the highlight of our year: David Byrne and Brian Eno are going to tour. Music's J.D. Salinger of live performance, Brian Fucking Eno. Can a "Talking Heads" reunion be too far off? [The Daily Swarm]

Scarlett Johnasson denies being a "brazen harlot." Some people don't know how to take a compliment. [Starpulse]

Scanner Exclusive: Amy Winehouse is working with "Back In Black" genius boy/producer Mark Ronson on the theme for "Quantum of Solace," the next Daniel Craig Bond movie, due this October. Since "Quantum of Solace" is even easier to rhyme with than "Octopussy," Winehouse announced her latest track will be called "My Blakey Breaky Out o' Jail With Some O' Diss Crazy Spy Shit."

And workers in Finland figured out what we Americans have known all along-- divorce is a great excuse to not show up for work. They're going to pass a law to institute mandatory "Love Vacations." In other news, Erica Jong is officially irrelevant. [New York Times]

Headlines of the Day:

1) Bloomberg: Next President Will Be "Adult" [via CNN]

2) Pope Meets With Many, Many Victims of Pedophile Priests [We're Gonna Need A Bigger Boat] [via Wonkette]

Photo: Vanity Fair

Starpulse's Celebs Who Should Go Nude: Who's Missing?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 21 Mar 2008 18:15:00 GMT

Eva Longoria's obvious. For those of you into that kind of thing, apparently Milo Ventimigla is on their list as well. But what about who was left to languish in the slums of decency?

The list, so far:

Jessica Alba

James Marsden

Eva Longoria

Jensen Ackles

Jessica Biel

Taye Diggs

Tricia Helfer

Milo Ventimiglia

Sharon Leal

Brad Pitt

...and who are they missing? We vote for Amy Adams, Scarlett Johansson, Thandie Newton, and Daniel Craig.

Who Would You Rather: Hillary or Barack?

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 06 Feb 2008 21:50:00 GMT

Well, since CNN can't decide who you'd rather, maybe you should tell them. This week's "Who Would You Rather" is between the guy who starred in that hot Obama Girl's video with his shirt off on the beach a la Daniel Craig vs. the woman who gave birth to Chelsea Clinton.

And don't let your political preferences decide who you would or would not rather. There are no write-in candidates. There are no provisional ballots-- just you, a voting booth, two names, and a lever. Which sounds like some weird sex game. So yank on that lever, folks, and tell us: Who. Would You...

Crush of the Week: Gemma Arterton, James Bond's Rebound Girl

Bryan Christian — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 20:00:00 GMT

Last year's Casino Royale was a mixed bag for us. Sure, it was great to see a little life breathed into the moribund, self-parodying Bond franchise. And yeah, the physical, self-inventing/self-hating spin on the role by Daniel Craig was pretty much flawless. But the best action sequences were in the first 15 minutes, and there was too much lovey-dovey stuff for our taste. And to be clear, what we mean by "too much lovey-dovey stuff" is that there were way too many chaste, longing kisses, and not enough getting it on. What is this, Brief Encounter? You got Mr. Hunk of Man Meat and Ms. You Know I'm The Only Thing You Remember About The Dreamers in the same movie and the closest thing we get to a shower scene is them, fully clothed and freaking out? We know, they had to give Bond a failed romance as a reason to be angry at women. Still.

So we are heartened to hear that the new Bond girl is a frightfully adorable young newcomer named Gemma Arterton who might be the perfect antithesis to Eva Green's rather cool portrayal of Vesper Lynd. According to Marie Claire UK, the 22-year-old graduate of RADA was picked out of a pool of 1,500 girls for the 22nd Bond installment because "[s]he has the modern look." Which we guess means she's a freaking cutie, since from the pictures we've seen, she's like a glossy, magical mix of Phoebe Cates and Lily Allen. But that don't mean she's gonna be another sickly sweet naif, a la Bibi Dahl, or anything. Just yesterday, The Guardian called her a "rising star" for a saucy stage turn in Love's Labours Lost and a much ballyhooed movie role as a prep school bad girl who gets involved in a drug heist while wearing a Sally Bowles haircut and a schoolgirl outfit. Fiesty and willing to indulge in fetish play? Vesper was classy and all, but seriously, we'd rather skip the relationship and get straight to the rebound sex, if you please.

And for that, Gemma Arterton is our Crush of the Week.