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As If I Haven't Pissed Off EVERY Christian Reader of This Site...

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 12 May 2009 19:13:00 GMT

In no way is this an attempt to alienate our Christian readers.

This falls under "Today in WTF," in the sense that we don't entirely appreciate the sentiment of this, the Inflatable Jesus Sex Doll. In fact, my gut reaction is that it goes far beyond satire and into pointless offensiveness-- which I'm guilty of on a daily basis, but that's another post.

I warn Christian readers that you are going to hate this thing-- but, as with the racist Obama cookies and other insulting garbage we've posted, just because it's here, it doesn't mean anyone condones it:

If the photo is too small to read all the fine print, click on it for a new tab/window and enlarge it there.

The comments on this site which rightly calls this goofy flyer "sacrilegious," make it almost worth having witnessed those images:

If this doll charged by the hour would it be a ” Profit-stitute? “
Oh cum all ye faithful
I am not usually such a prude, but this totally crosses the line. I mean the “suck your own D” and “check out my a**hole” poses are just gross.
WOW , simply WOW, too bad it wasnt a mohammad doll though because then when philly gets wrecked we couldve been rid of the phillies and eagles
Before you get to hell, I will have warmed up the sauna for you.

It should be pointed out that a search for the company that supposedly manufactures this only turns up more copies of this photo. Oh well...

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Apparently, Florida Doesn't Want You to Learn How to Have Great Sex

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 16:52:00 GMT

A few weeks back (or thereabouts), we told you about the Melbourne, Florida church that rocked the conservative community by promoting a new series of sex workshops.

Unsurprisingly, most everyone in the area has decided that this is their cross to bear and each of them, individually, will try to prevent Christians from getting nailed properly...

The New Hope Baptist Church has been hosting its "risque" series at Sherwood Elementary School, but the local yokels aren't sure what to make of it:

Brevard Public School District's risk-management department has threatened to boot New Hope Church out of Sherwood...
Church leaders mailed 25,000 fliers, asking residents "Is Your Sex Life A Bore?" The three-week program kicked off inside the school auditorium. Pastor Bruce Cadle had said the Christian church has been "shamefully silent" on the taboo topic.

Mark Langdorf, the director of risk management, says the mailers generated complaints, were not appropriate for elementary school children and shouldn't be used to advertise the sermon in the school.

Langdorf says the church's lease contract is under review.

Of course, the lousy Associated Press didn't bother to get a quote from the Church itself. Here's what they have to say on the subject:

Is your sex life a bore? A chore? Feeling like you want more? Is sex supposed to leave you feeling guilty? Frustrated? Insecure? Empty? It’s supposed to be fun, right? So why does it seem like everyone else is having all the fun? Why are men and women’s desires so different? So incompatible?

Discover answers to all these questions and more at Great Sex For You, a new teaching series at New Hope Church beginning this Sunday at 11am. You’ll learn how to have the Great Sex that God created you to enjoy! You’ll discover how to find the right partner, how to affair proof your marriage, how to fan the flames of romance, and how to ensure that your marriage and love life gets better year after year. Don’t miss this life-changing message!

The Great Sex that God created us to enjoy? This is about the only workshop that could ever get us to willingly attend church services. Oh, and free Krispy Kreme doesn't hurt either...

Via the Church's website.

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Emily Farris — Thu, 23 Apr 2009 22:32:00 GMT

Waterboarding: Bad. Waterboarding Sean Hannity? Eh. For charity? Ahhh, maybe?No. No. Waterboarding is bad. [Huffington Post]

Vice, most recent employer of the Hipster Grifter, has launched a new series on the Vice Broadcasting System called "Beyond the Pages of Vice." It's basically filming them working on their articles, and the first is a look at the, uh, dangers of mixing aerosol hairspray and fire. No word yet on whether or not the Hipster Grifter or her boobs will make an appearance in future episodes. [VBS]

We were just thinking about switching to a bra without underwires, because, well, we don't have much to hold up. But not now. A Detroit woman's underwire actually deflected a bullet! [2News]

Miley Cyrus may be a bratty little Southerner who loves little baby Jesus, but she also loves the gays (her new fanbase?). [AfterEllen]

Last year, when FHM named Megan Fox "Sexiest Woman in the World," we were all "WTF?", the 'W' standing for "who," of course. We're singing the same song for this year's winner Cheryl Cole. May she find the same, uh, fame as Fox in the coming year. [FHM]

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Jesus Died For Somebody's Sins, But Not Mine

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 18:26:00 GMT

This video has been making the rounds today. We love it because we love anything that exposes religion for the ridiculous waste of time we know it to be.

Agree or disagree, you have to wonder why Jesus didn't turn deserts into fertile farm land. Or why God is such a jackass with an amusing accent. (By the way, another Biblical highlight from today's blogs.)

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Gah! Don't Let Your Kids Play With Satan's Testicles!

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 13:11:00 GMT

Forgive us for an Easter Bunny photo so frightening, your future grandchild will be traumatized in perpetuity. We were forced to show it due to the seriousness of this situation, in order to draw your attention, much as Strollerderby dramatically alerted us, to What Is REALLY Happening Here In US Americans. Sunday is Easter Bunny Hunting Day, and there will be eggs in your yard, eggs in your trees, eggs in your pants. But did you know these eggs are really... Satan's schweddy balls?

Thank Christ Landover Baptist is on the case and we have their full, dramatic warning for you here...

Are Your Children Playing With Lucifer’s Testicles? is a Christian Bible-based tome that “teaches parents how to easily explain to their children that Easter (as it is celebrated by the Unsaved) has absolutely nothing to do with Jesus Christ but is actually a holiday celebrating lewd and sexually explicit pagan rituals of fertility.”

"Easter Eggs are one of the wiliest tools of the Devil," Daniel Cameroon, the writer of the book declares. "Pagan kids didn't have anything to do on Easter Sunday because their mommies and daddies were stuck in a false temple all day, naked and writhing around with their neighbors in Satanic orgies of the flesh. You see, parents had to come up with a way to occupy their children while they were away from home, praying and fornicating under the altar of Satan. And since they didn't have babysitters back then, they gave their kids eggs to play with and sometimes paint.” He continues to state, "But the reason they chose eggs had nothing to do with any sort of fertility or fertilizers (as some misguided Christian historians would have you believe). Nope, it was because of Lucifer's testicles! Glory to God!”

Strollerderby actually has the damn gall to ask if their readers think Louis Safer's nutsack has been inexpertly hidden in their yards by Hungover Dad. Listen up, SunnyChanel-- if that's your Christian name-- these eggs are indeed the work of the devil. Nothing this delicious could be good for America's decent folk. Leave them in my yard and I will take care of those chocolate salty balls. Amen.

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Christians Retaliate Against Atheists With Even Lamer Ad Campaign

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 05 Feb 2009 18:02:00 GMT

Last month's story about the atheism bus and subway ad campaign is far and away the most-visited post we've ever run. Fools on both sides of the aisle are still debating the merits of the anti-God argument and every other aspect of the article. As of now, there are more than 80 comments (hey, that's a lot for us) and no end to the debate in sight.

Now, comes word that the Christians are striking back publicly, with their own counter-campaign to the counter-campaign...

After more than 150 complaints about the above-pictured slogan from whiners who had no problem with the original campaign, a pro-Christian God-loving and in-your-face bus ad, the Christians decided that public momentum was on their side. They've decided to strike back with this new marketing strategy: a bus ad.

"There definitely is a God. So join the Christian Party and enjoy your life."

Wow-- what, was "I know you are, but what am I?" already taken? Golf clap for creativity, guys, just taking the original slogan and changing the words to fit your own opinion. That kind of thinking is why Democrats gave it up to loser candidates like George Bush and Saxby Chambliss. ("No, terrorists are not going to kill you" "no, we will not raise taxes on the middle class," "no, John Kerry is not Herman Munster," etc.)

Then again, this is all just preaching to the choir-- almost literally. No one will be persuaded by either of these arguments, but it was admittedly refreshing to see an ad that didn't use scare tactics (that means you, "show up to church or God will punish you" billboards in the American South) to express a religious message.

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All Aboard the Atheism Bus

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 20:34:00 GMT

The biggest story in Britain right now is the "Atheism Bus" campaign, which involves the rental of 800 billboard-size spaces on the sides of London's double deckers. The backers raised more than $200,000, most of it in just four days, and are now moving in to subway advertising, which we were lucky enough to get a full preview of.

“I think it’s dreadful,” said Sandra Lafaire, 76, a tourist from Los Angeles, who said she believed in God and still enjoyed her life, thank you very much. “Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but I don’t like it in my face.” But Sarah Hall, 28, a visitor from Australia, said she was happy to see such a robust example of freedom of speech. “Whatever floats your boat,” she said. [NY Times]

(Of course, Lafaire wasn't asked if she minded having the other, pro-Christianity signs in her face.)

That's the bus ad, obviously. Here are three of the four or five subway posters that are about to launch:

Meanwhile, activists all over the world have taken up the call and people in other countries should expect to see atheist messages on public transit as early as Monday. Meanwhile, claiming the ads "discriminate" against religious people (again, that didn't stop them from running pro-religious ads), a Tasmanian transportation company withdrew plans to allow for a similar campaign, and is now facing a lawsuit to reverse that decision.

Australian partners, unsurprisingly, also face tremendous public opposition to their plan:

They hoped to put adverts on the back of buses with slogans stating "atheism – celebrate reason" or "atheism - sleep in on Sunday mornings".
But the proposed campaign was rejected by APN Outdoor, the country's biggest outdoor advertising company.
David Nicholls, president of the Atheist Foundation of Australia, said: "I am flabbergasted. This is extremely disappointing and a severe blow to freedom of expression in Australia. [Telegraph]

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Now Sweden Has Its Very Own Orgasm Church

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 16:46:00 GMT

A Swedish court handed down a decision last week acknowledging that The Madonna of Orgasm Church (the other Madonna) had a right to registration as a faith organization, which, according to news reports, is some sort of slap in the face to Christians...

Originally, the Legal, Financial and Administrative Services Agency (Kammarkollegiet) had refused the church’s registration application on the grounds that its name may offend Christians.

What, because of the word Madonna? Man, those freaks need to get over themselves.

According to the Skånska Dagbladet newspaper, the idea for the church came to Bebeacua, who is the church’s self-appointed cardinal, after a painting of his entitled 'The Madonna of Orgasm' sparked protests requiring police action during the 1992 World’s Fair in Seville, Spain.

“The orgasm is God, the orgasm should be worshiped,” Bebeacua told the Kvällsposten newspaper.

“The orgasm is the ultimate feeling of lust, it shouldn’t be limited to ejaculation. You can reach it through art or by looking at a landscape and thinking ‘Wow!’”

Bebeacua says his church has a few hundred followers, but we beg to differ: it's more like hundreds of millions, all of whom would probably welcome climaxing via landscape, if only we could figure out how the hell that's going to happen...

Via the Local.

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Priest, During Confession: "Hey, You Wanna Go Back To My Place?"

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 31 Oct 2008 19:36:00 GMT

A priest in Queens is being sued by a woman he picked up while she was confessing... in his confession booth.

If you think that's choice, wait'll you hear what he did that made her decide to sue his dumb ass...

According to CBS TV in New York, Reverend Elvis (seriously) Elan was preachin' and consolin' at the Our Lady of the Snows Church in Glen Oaks, which is in the borough of Queens, when a woman going through a painful divorce took confession with him.

Laufer says his client, Judith Rodriguez-Lytwyn was vulnerable when she walked into the confessional where Elano allegedly told her, "Your presence struck me like a thunderbolt."

He was so thunderstruck, it seemed, they began having sex and even seeing each other for dinner before the sex. The outrage! Seriously, that's how his flock sees it:

"I can't believe it. You know it knocks me for a loop," said Dan Torpey, one of the church's parishioners. Added parishioner Viola Czajkowski: "I don't see how a priest who took vows could possibly do something like this and have mass every day while this was going on."

Right, but how surprised would you be if Judith turned out to be Jeremy, a seven-year-old choir boy? And, what, this guy should control his sexual urges, as promised? We thought as much. Meanwhile, Rev. Elvis and Judy dated for several months... until...

...her lover sent an e-mail indicating the presence of a sexually transmitted disease he may have gotten from another woman.

Whoops. Reverend Elvis, The Ladykillin' Priest. The rights have probably been snatched up already, with Ron Howard to direct. It'll do 40 mil opening weekend...

Read the rest here. (P.S. Is anyone surprised that the Catholic Church transfered but did not discipline this creep?)

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Christian Nymphos: Giving It Up in the Name of Jesus

Nicole Pasulka — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 19:44:00 GMT

For the past two days we have been totally obsessed with the Christian Nymphos website. Yes, that's right it's a website about how to keep married sex "spicy, the way God intended it!" Christian Nymphos is written by Christian women with names like "PeppermintGirl," "CinnamonSticks" and "CuminGirl"--we've yet to determine whether that double entendre is intentional.

In other words, it really, truly, is a site for Christian nymphomaniacs, and it really, truly, does have advice on how to spice up your Christian sex life through things like role-playing which is totally OK for Christians to do, like, all the time!

The possibilities of role-playing are endless! The only thing that I would caution you about is fantasizing about sinful situations or acts. An example of something sinful would be you and your spouse fantasizing about having a threesome with another person. That just wouldn’t be healthy for your marriage at all.

But go ahead and buy some novelty handcuffs and play police together! Husbands, get some medieval costumes and play castle. Wives, purchase that cheerleader costume and then invite your hubby to play with your pom poms ;) Have fun with each other and celebrate this wonderful gift that God has given us as married couples!

And like any good website aimed at Christian nymphos, there's a lot of information on how Satan might be sneaking into your bedroom and poisoning all that otherwise healthy happy and near-constant sex with your husband:

As soon as my son was born, I lost my orgasm. It started with “Mom’s don’t have sex”, and even when I did have sex with my husband, it wasn’t gratifying or fulfilling….not because of anything he was doing, but because Satan would talk to me the entire time and convince me how much I didn’t like what I was doing. Notice, I didn’t say “when I did make love to my husband”….Satan had me convinced that it was just sex. That is so wrong!!

Playing cop and robber, OK. Menage a tois with Satan, not acceptable for Christian women, even Christian nymphos.

Isn't It Ironic? Jonas Brothes Lurve Britney Spears

Emily Farris — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 15:33:00 GMT

"Jonas Brothers' Wish Comes True: They Meet Britney Spears Backstage At The VMAs," read the MTV headline.

This makes us chuckle, you see, because just yesterday, we were discussing the Jonas Brothers' ~~chastity belts~~ purity rings.

And just yesterday, they were drooling all over Brit Baby and her "shimmery asymmetrical minidress."

The boys, dressed in suits, posed with a smiling multiple-VMA-winning Spears, who was decked out in a shimmery asymmetrical minidress, for a picture together backstage at the show.

The brothers, who didn't win any awards themselves, told UsMagazine.com before the awards show that they wanted to meet the one and only comeback kid.

"We really hope we get to meet her," Kevin Jonas told the site following their rehearsal of their new single, "Lovebug," on a New York City set at Paramount Studios for the VMAs, which aired live from Hollywood on Sunday. "That would be an honor," Kevin added. His brothers agreed.

Ummm, in this particular scenario, is it okay to make a blanket statement along the lines of "this is what's wrong with Christianity today?"

Previously:

Scanner Roundtable: Purity Rings

How Much Did Britney Pay MTV for her VMAs?

While You Were Sleeping: The Madonna-Guy Ritchie Separation

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 12:43:00 GMT

A teacher in Tennessee was fired by her school board, even after charges of child molestation were proven false, while a teacher in Georgia was arrested for stalking his underage girlfriend/ex-student by text.

Oh, and one more: a 26-year-old teacher in South Carolina was arrested for getting her students drunk after hours.

Ellen Degeneres and Portia de Rossi are now Mrs. and Mrs. Speaking of celebrity couplings, Hillary Duff refuses to be overshadowed by Lindsay Lohan and the rest of the young starlets...

Actress/singer Hillary Duff has sparked rumors she's taking her relationship with hockey star Mike Comrie to the next level, after she was photographed wearing a ring on her wedding finger.

Young evangelicals are not the hardliners their folks were, at least not when it comes to sexual politics.

The Top 10 places to nude up in Australia, as chosen by The Age.

A Belgian man reported his wife missing following a game of (naked) hide-and-seek in the woods.

James Franco researched his role as a New Orleans pro by hooking up with streetwalkers in Los Angeles.

Madonna and Guy Ritchie separated in 2003, according to the co-author of the singer's brothers new expose. The couple soon reunited and, says the star, are not breaking up... for the last time, okay?

Male Mormon Missionaries Go Topless For The Hell Of It

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 15:02:00 GMT

Shocking-- men without their shirts on? And in the 21st Century? This is unprecedented, and certainly far to risque for a wall calendar... my God, what's next, Mormon Missionaries topless on a wall calendar?

That pretty much sums up the typical reaction of members of the Mormon church to Chad Hardy (with a name like that, can gay porn be far behind?), who is about to launch the second smash edition of "Men on A Mission 2009: Mormons Mxposed," which is apparently some sort of pun...

"It's progressive because they are daring to step outside of stereotype and an image that so many people hide behind."

Hardy says he's stepping up against the Mormon church. He says church leaders have asked him to stop production of the provocative pics.

Hardy says no can do -- he has business partners who are not of the Mormon faith.

Hardy, who is a sixth-generation Mormon, was banished from the faith on Sunday (how fitting), but appears unfazed by the insult. Certainly the third edition could then feature-- gasp-- almost naked dudes? Naw, we'll probably have to wait another hundred years for something of that magnitude...

More photos here, while the full story is here, via AZ Family.

It's Always the Unsuspecting Girls Who Turn Out to be Crazy Christians

Emily Farris — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 20:01:00 GMT

And by "unsuspecting" we mean skanky attention whores.

We don't really have anything against Christians. Or skanky attention whores for that matter. Without them, what would we write about? It's the combination of Christian and skanky attention whore that bothers us...

...which is why we're bothered by the fact that Heidi Montag — of The Hills and cat fight fame — wants to make a Christian album.

Montag, who apparently identifies as a "non-denominational Baptist," told Us "I have been the most religious person since I was 2 years old. I always felt this crazy connection to God."

The most religious person? That's, like, totally awesome. And by awesome we mean like God. Because God can help her out of sticky situations. When asked about the fact that she may or may not have spread sex tape rumors about Hills co-star Lauren Conrad, Montag replied, "God knows the truth in all of this, and at the end of the day, that is the only thing that matters. Jesus was persecuted, and I'm going to get persecuted, ya know?"

Wow, we can't believe we didn't see the similarities between Montag and Jesus before. We are not worthy, Heidi.

[Us: Heidi Montag: I Want to Record a Christian Album]

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Ted Haggard: Busting Out of the Spiritual Restoration Center

Emily Farris — Thu, 26 Jun 2008 21:02:00 GMT

Praise the sweet baby Jesus Lord! Ted Haggard has been cured of his gayness... or has wisened up to the fact that he can't be cured of it.

The AP reports that the former evangelical preacher who was forced out of his job after reports of his relationship with a gay prostitute has left the "spiritual restoration program," he attened after the scandal broke, but is not allowed to comment on why.

Under a severance deal that Ted Haggard reached with the church in 2006, he agreed to leave Colorado Springs and not talk about the scandal publicly. The deal expired at the end of 2007. New pastor Brady Boyd said Haggard was now free to live where he wanted and has returned to Colorado Springs.

"They have moved back and they live in the original house that they lived in for many years," Boyd said of Haggard and his wife, Gayle.

This makes us think of that movie with the terribly hot Clea DuVall and the not-so-hot Natasha Lyonne, "But I'm a Cheerleader," in which teenagers are sent away to a home to rid them of their homosexual tendencies.

[AP: Pastor: Haggard has left 'restoration program']

The Father-Daughter Purity Ball Is One Party Scanner Will Not Be Attending

Nicole Pasulka — Tue, 20 May 2008 20:00:00 GMT

This is the Father-Daughter Purity Ball in Colorado Springs where fathers pledge to "guard their daughters from what evangelicals consider a profoundly corrosive 'hook-up culture'" by escorting them to a formal function and talking endlessly about sex (Not having it--but still!).

Whether abstinence is real or make believe, we think it's creepy when fathers obsessively fixate on their daughters' virginity.

“Something I need from dad is affirmation, being told I’m beautiful,” said Jordyn Wilson, 19...“If we don’t get it from home, we will go out to the culture and get it from them.”

Really?! Cause what we need from our dads is help putting up shelves and a check at Christmas.

After all the sex and affirmation talk at dinner, the Father-Daughter Purity Ball got weirder.

Each father and his daughter walked under the arch and knelt before the cross. Synthesized hymns played. The fathers sometimes held their daughters and whispered a short prayer, and then the girls each placed a white rose, representing purity, at the foot of the cross. Mr. Lee and Rachel walked away holding hands.

Oh man. Thanks so much, Dad, for pledgin' to never take us to this freak show.

Should Christian Science Monitor Be Fed To The Lions?

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 20 May 2008 15:21:00 GMT

Forgive the controversy-baiting title: it really is necessary to draw your attention to the most offensive article written this year in the English language.

The article, written under the name Shireen K. Burki for the always suspect Christian Science Monitor (hell, that's almost a triple negative), is so ghastly, so offensive, wrong, and off-base in its attacks on Barack Obama, that not only will Hillary supporters be outraged, McCain himself might end up weighing in on it... if he can locate his missing moral compass, that is...

Have you eaten today? Then don't read this excerpt:

Osama bin Laden must be chuckling in his safe house. After all, the 2008 campaign could very well give Al Qaeda the ultimate propaganda tool: President Barack Hussein Obama, Muslim apostate.
The fact that Senator Obama – the son of a Muslim father – insists he was never a Muslim before becoming Christian is irrelevant to bin Laden. In bin Laden's eyes, Obama is a murtad fitri, the worst type of apostate, because he was blessed by Allah to be born into the true faith of Islam.

We tried to stop reading-- but we were pretty sure this was weak satire that would get better over time. After all, doesn't someone have to actually believe in the religion they are born into to become an apostate? It's not converting, it's joining when one decides one would live to become a Christian, as his mother was. But that's obviously less objectionable than the rest of this complete nonsense:

According to Islamic jurisprudence, children of a Muslim father – even an apparently nonpracticing one, such as Obama's father, and irrespective of the mother's faith – are automatically Muslims. Most Muslims around the world agree: A child of a Muslim father is a Muslim. Period.

And I bet if you ask Christians around the world if, because Obama's mother was a Christian, he is automatically a Christian, they would agree: a child of a Christian mother is a Christian. Period.

People: how clear do we have to make this? Calling Obama a Muslim is a fear tactic, not the least because it's untrue but because its only purpose is to connect him to Bin Laden, which is disgusting, wrong, immoral, untrue, and pathetic. We stopped reading after the above paragraph because we don't need to hear anything further-- these people will contradict themselves and prove to be awful hypocrites and no one will call them out on it. "Obama's pastor is un-American!" and "Obama is a Muslim in disguise!" are statements that prove, if nothing else, at least one is automatically untrue-- after all, as the Christian Science Monitor proves, you can't have two religions... or change your mind about one.

Shireen K. Burki [who writes only to help incite religious warfare -Ed.] is an adjunct professor of political science at the University of Mary Washington, in Fredericksburg, Va. The daughter of a Muslim father and a Christian mother, she spent her childhood in Islamabad, Pakistan, where she studied Islam at school. [Christian Science Monitor]

You can tell her what you think of her at this e-mail.

Christians Having Better Sex Than You

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 16 Apr 2008 19:01:00 GMT

Don't you love the sacreligious pic, via PhotoDisc?

Created in 1997, the site covers topics like anal, oral and phone sex; masturbation and role-playing; fetishes; bonding; and spanking.

No, they're not talking about Nerve, silly. It's actually the website of Pastor Paul Byerly of Salem, OR, entitled TheMarriageBed.com. And it's just the latest sign that Christians are opening up to the idea of exploring sex and enjoying some hot anal action in the name of Lord Jesus...

Among the highlights of this astonishing article from ABC News (all right, we're grossly exaggerating):

On Pastor Paul and his wife Lori: "The couple talks openly about their inability to enjoy sex because of Lori's history of sex abuse and his involvement in pornography." Wait-- Pastor Paul was involved in pornos?! Please explain, ABC! (Alas, someone didn't do their follow-ups.)
These loveable old Christian weirdos even have some wit left in them at their age: "As pastor of the 15,600-member, nondenominational church -- one of the largest in the nation -- [Reverend Kerry Shook] recently delivered a popular sermon titled 'How to Make Your Marriage Sizzle.'" The witty part? "We were cooking beef burgundy with a reduction sauce." Get it? Sizzle fo' shizzle-- zing!
Shook: "One of the things we cover in scripture is how to meet each other's needs in bed." Damn! Who knew the Bible was dirtier than the Kama Sutra. (Proabably someone who's actually read it, unlike us.)
"Folks who are married and people of faith tend to have more sex, more often than people who are swingers." Sign us up for this crazy Christian nonsense if there is any proof whatsoever it'll work!
Dallas psychotherapist Melanie "is also critical of Christian attitudes toward premarital sex, which she argues encourages teens to marry young out of guilt. She also veers from the standard position on homosexuality." Is she single, perchance?

Okay, enough. Just read the damn thing-- although we've already spoiled all the best parts.

This Week in Gayness: E-Harmony Doesn't Want You

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 14:04:00 GMT

Two lesbian mothers are fighting over custody of thier child; one of them is using an anti-gay law to skewer the court's favor.

This, plus Ewan McGregor, Dita Von Teese, Sally Kern, the anti-gay t-shirt case heads to the Supreme Court, and more... after the jump...

Basically, one woman, Therese Leach, who is not the biological mother of "her" son, is arguing in an Ohio court that a 2001 court-approved agreement between her and her son's mother should be upheld, regardless of the fact that the state passed an anti-gay marriage amendment in January 2005. Lamda Legal, who is defending Ms. Leach, argues that the agreement should not be invalidated merely because gays are not allowed to marry in Ohio. We say to anti-gay activists: "Is this what you intended when your bigoted law was passed? Taxpayer dollars going to waste over a silly fight like this?"

These activists, mainly Christians, should take the words of Wendy Gritter, director of the Christian group New Direction, to their ever-loving hearts:

"I believe we have a long way to go to eradicate hateful and homophobic environments and responses in the Christian community. We have a long way to go to demolish the pervasive hierarchy of sin. And we have a long way to go to counter-act the perpetual sense of shame that many experience due to the reality of their same-gender attraction." [Religious Left]

While we seriously doubt the Bush-approved Supreme Court will do a damn thing in the way of fighting these nutjobs if this case ever turns up on their docket, maybe the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals will see the light:

Attorneys for a student who was punished by Poway High School officials for wearing an anti-gay T-shirt to school are asking a federal appeals court to declare unconstitutional a school policy against offensive speech under which the student was punished. [Gay.blogspot.com]

The problem here is that, while big supporters of every aspect of free speech, in this case, schools are guaranteed by law (and many, many previous court rulings) the right to ask students to remove any items that are distracting to the learning environment. We wholeheartedly support that policy-- although in case like this, we're admittedly biased. (Let's fight these douche's any way we can.)

And although we support the gay community and its right to simply be left alone, we kind of relate to the issue here:

Gay naturists have been granted their own swimming sessions at a public baths – to the fury of families who also use the pool. Several parents have withdrawn their children from lessons there. The gay naturist group, Naked Swim, books the pool and saunas one night every week. [Gay News]

Remember when we said we could kind of relate? We were fucking with you. Would these same people, if faced with an all-black nude swimming session, raise such a fuss? (This is England, not Tennessee, mind you.)

A thousand people with too much time on their hands rallied for Supreme Assface Sally Kern this week. Forget Iran, our next war may be a civil one.

Anybody watch Australian Gladiators? You mean they're multiplying?

E-Harmony, as has been long rumored, hates LGBTs.

And Chelsea Clinton has been seen at various gay bars, courting the queer vote for her she-swears-she's-not-mama. Wouldn't that be great if Chelsea came out during the general election? McCain would win by 200 points.

Previously: Dita Von Teese and Ewan McGregor

Top 10 Spam Euphemisms For Your Small Willy

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 31 Mar 2008 18:30:00 GMT

"Would you like to have a larger, fuller, stronger tool?"

We all love it when Gmail makes a funny and leaves some amusing spam in our inboxes. For no good reason, we've put together highlights of recent spam e-mails, which you must admit are getting more eye-catching as e-mail filters grow slightly more sophisticated.

E-mail Headline: "Amend Your Problem of Small Dimension" and "Huge and youwill newer hear the word NO (Enlarge your big daddy size)"

Spam opening lines: "The scooby snack teaches the tornado." "Now and then, a power drill pees on another spider."

Spam offer comedy, yes: "I am interested in buying your {what you want to sale}. I will buy for FINAL ASKING price and late conditions,also I will like you to send pictruees of this items."

Spam makes up country names: "I am frank, son of governor of lagos state of Nig."

We once worked for a boss who received this message. No idea if it was a joke, spam, or an honest assessment of the sender's place in the world:

I am hoping you would send me a bunch of your music on CDs free of charge to cheer me up. I am attending a medical home church for those unable to attend large congregational churches --- I am allergic to poinsettias, most after shaves and perfumes.

Thank You

This one has to be seen in its original context. And, finally, our friend got this one a few weeks ago:

> From: [name withheld]
> Subject: WTF
>
> Why the hell does it take you so long to respond to emails?
>
> what's up with that? I heard we're neighbors. I heard you're pretty
> cool guy. I googled you -- you look cute, seem like a nice guy, so WTF? do you
> want to meet? Just lemme know....
>
> peace
> d

Whoops. Unfortunately, that one might be real.

By the way, how do you like our idea for a film composed entirely of dialogue lifted from spam and named after our favorite sender's nom de plume: Gayelord Oxtail?

This Week in Gayness: Gay Marriage Heats Up

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 20 Mar 2008 17:20:00 GMT

Sally Kern's son was arrested for oral sodomy in 1989. Nevertheless, he denied being a homosexual. Then someone realized he would've been twelve that year and now we're just all confused-- mainly about what oral sodomy is.

Richard the Lionheart had sex with men, but apparently was not a homosexual. We really don't know anything about how all this works, do we?

The nutty wife of a total nutjob Republican Senator wrote a hatemongering op-ed piece for the Christian Action League website. We didn't read it so you won't have to.

A lesbian is seeking to have her Massachusetts marriage annulled... in Missouri. No wonder on how many heads exploded in the Show Me State-- after all, these poor people are still trying to wrap their brains around "gay marriage" and now... "gay divorce!" Their Christian values must feel so violated.

Pennsylvania voted to ban gay marriage and civil unions this week... the Baltimore City Council heard this and passed a resolution in support of gay marriage. This shitstorm is about to heat up... stay tuned.

Vampire Lestat to Get Religion in the Near Future

Bryan Christian — Mon, 25 Feb 2008 17:00:00 GMT

Interview with the Vampire author Anne Rice's pants are totally on fire! Three years ago, she swore up and down that since she'd returned to the church -- oh, you didn't know? -- she'd never be able to write another one of those sinfully homoerotic bloodsucking romps. "I would be a fool for all eternity to turn my back on God like that," she said back then. And now? Well, maybe God's not reading so much these days?

In an interview with TIME, the best-selling author of Interview with the Vampire and The Queen of the Damned, has revealed that she plans to write one last book about Lestat, the feared, yet beloved, blood-sucking main character in her gothic novel series. "When I published my first book about the Lord I said I would never write about those characters again," Rice acknowledged. "But I have one more book that I would really like to write. It will be a story that I need to tell."

Actually, from what we can tell, Rice is going to attempt to meld her revived interest in religion with Lestat, who we understand was positively dreary with theological navelgazing in those last few books. So, there's no guarantee that we'll get any of the man-on-man longing or eroticized eviscerations of the original books. But maybe a cameo by Jesus Christ, Vampire Killer isn't out of the question?

On Our To-Do List: Charles Barkley

Katie Halper — Wed, 20 Feb 2008 20:07:00 GMT

We're totally, full-court press, crushing on Charles Barkley after hearing him slam the Christian Right for being fake and hypocritical on CNN. Like so many crushes, Charles had us at "[Conservative] Christians... they're not supposed to judge other people, but they're the most hypocritical judge of people we have in this country." And hearing Charles say "I feel very comfortable saying I'm pro-choice and I'm for gay marriage" made us feel very hot and bothered. In case you're reading this, Mr. Barkley, we just wanted to let you know that if you wanted to drive us to the basket, box us out or double team us, we wouldn't call a flagrant foul.

Until somebody can really answer the question WWJD, we'll just live by this golden rule: WWCBD ("What Would Charles Barkley Do"). Hopefully we are on his "Who Would Charles Barkley Do" List. But either way, Charles Barkley is on the top of our To-Do List.