Scanner : Chelsea clinton

While You Were Sleeping: Britney's In Prison

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 13:08:00 GMT

If you're going to bribe a cop, it's wise to aim higher than $17.

One of our strange/secret crushes, Chelsea Clinton, has gotten engaged.

Great, another reason for Nascar fans to hate Obama: this April Fool's Day prank made it seem like Obama wanted to pull millions from Nascar to punish car companies.

Another day and more rumors that Britney Spears feels like she's "in prison" and wants out of this arrangment with her father.

Our worst fear came true, and then turned out to be a gag: Heidi Montang told people she was pregnant, but thankfully it was only an April 1st thing. There's still time to sterilize the cast of The Hills.

If your attempt to rob a liquor store fails, please don't cry about it. No one made you do it...

Natalie Cole's fans are so crazy about her, they're even willing to give up their kidneys...

Coldplay, Bjork, Kid Rock, and Trent Reznor punk'd their fans yesterday.

David Cook canceled two shows due to a family crisis-- at last, entertainment news that probably isn't a joke!

Chelsea Clinton: No Comment On Barack

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 18 Jun 2008 18:36:00 GMT

We were involved in our first paparazzi chase on Monday night on the way to our birthday dinner, when TMZ's cameraman almost knocked us over to get video footage of Chelsea Clinton talking about her mother's rival...

We can't embed the video (fucking TMZ), but the point isn't the video. It's 42 seconds and Chelsea uncomfortably tries to avoid commenting on Barack Obama. What, you can't say, "while I wish my mother had won, I'm behind Senator Obama 111%?"

By the way, we can tell you that everybody-- and we do mean everybody-- on the streets of New York's Soho neighborhood stopped and stared as the parade of photographers raced after, encircled, and lunged at Chelsea Clinton, while TMZ's guy kept asking her whether she'd support Obama. We hadn't seen a spectacle like that since Sean Fucking Connery sat by a window eating Japanese food in a restaurant on the Upper East Side. He literally stopped traffic.

Anyway, it was a nice birthday present to myself-- after all, everyone knows I have a thing for Chelsea (see below.) Let's just hope she stops avoiding supporting Obama (which her parents will probably do) and do what needs to be done for the country: get a Democrat, any Democrat, into the White House.

Previously: I Hate Myself For Loving You, Chelsea Clinton

Sloppy Seconds: Pretty Young Things

Emily Farris — Mon, 21 Apr 2008 21:33:00 GMT

Chelsea Clinton can't get enough of the gays. And apparently, they can't get enough of her. [Queerty]

Suri Cruise is two-years-old. And still so fucking cute. We just want to squeeze her! [People]

If you are a pedophile, you might enjoy these "sexy" pictures of Miley Cyrus. [JustJared]

The other U.S. American Miss South Carolina will work for the John McCain campaign and like such as. [Wonkette]

We still have our high school class ring somewhere. Do you? What's that all about, anyway? [Neatorama]

Wired reports from the FIRST Robotics Championship. [Wired]

Ever wonder about the origins of Harrison Ford's kind-of dorky earring? Us neither, but you might be interested to know it involved Jimmy Buffet and drunk lunch. [Yahoo!]

When we first learned that Harry Potter star Emma Watson would replace Scarlett Johansson in a Napoleon biopic, we thought about doing a Who Would You Rather? But then we remembered that Emma was just a baby. Turns out she's 18 now. God, they grow up so fast. So, uh, who would you rather? No. Sorry. That's still kind-of wrong. [People]

While You Were Sleeping: Chelsea Clinton Got Down With the Gays, Dressed Inappropriately

Emily Farris — Mon, 14 Apr 2008 15:46:00 GMT

New mom and adopted daughter of Lionel Richie, Nicole Richie, visited her birth mother. [FameCrawler]

Former Britney fling and paparazzo, Adnan Ghalib, was stabbed but is apparently just fine. [JFX]

Britney ran her Mercedes into a Nissan. [US Weekly]

Cate Blanchett popped out her third son. [People]

We read this headline and thought J.K. Rowling was going to get all dressed up as one of her Harry Potter characters. [People]

Chelsea Clinton attended a Red Dress Party, a drag event in Oregon to help raise money to fight HIV/AIDS. Attendees were required to wear a red dress, but it looks like Chelsea just swung by The Gap on her way to the party and picked up a t-shirt. Maybe she's just wearing leggings on bottom? Here's hoping! [Queerty]

This Week in Gayness: E-Harmony Doesn't Want You

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 14:04:00 GMT

Two lesbian mothers are fighting over custody of thier child; one of them is using an anti-gay law to skewer the court's favor.

This, plus Ewan McGregor, Dita Von Teese, Sally Kern, the anti-gay t-shirt case heads to the Supreme Court, and more... after the jump...

Basically, one woman, Therese Leach, who is not the biological mother of "her" son, is arguing in an Ohio court that a 2001 court-approved agreement between her and her son's mother should be upheld, regardless of the fact that the state passed an anti-gay marriage amendment in January 2005. Lamda Legal, who is defending Ms. Leach, argues that the agreement should not be invalidated merely because gays are not allowed to marry in Ohio. We say to anti-gay activists: "Is this what you intended when your bigoted law was passed? Taxpayer dollars going to waste over a silly fight like this?"

These activists, mainly Christians, should take the words of Wendy Gritter, director of the Christian group New Direction, to their ever-loving hearts:

"I believe we have a long way to go to eradicate hateful and homophobic environments and responses in the Christian community. We have a long way to go to demolish the pervasive hierarchy of sin. And we have a long way to go to counter-act the perpetual sense of shame that many experience due to the reality of their same-gender attraction." [Religious Left]

While we seriously doubt the Bush-approved Supreme Court will do a damn thing in the way of fighting these nutjobs if this case ever turns up on their docket, maybe the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals will see the light:

Attorneys for a student who was punished by Poway High School officials for wearing an anti-gay T-shirt to school are asking a federal appeals court to declare unconstitutional a school policy against offensive speech under which the student was punished. [Gay.blogspot.com]

The problem here is that, while big supporters of every aspect of free speech, in this case, schools are guaranteed by law (and many, many previous court rulings) the right to ask students to remove any items that are distracting to the learning environment. We wholeheartedly support that policy-- although in case like this, we're admittedly biased. (Let's fight these douche's any way we can.)

And although we support the gay community and its right to simply be left alone, we kind of relate to the issue here:

Gay naturists have been granted their own swimming sessions at a public baths – to the fury of families who also use the pool. Several parents have withdrawn their children from lessons there. The gay naturist group, Naked Swim, books the pool and saunas one night every week. [Gay News]

Remember when we said we could kind of relate? We were fucking with you. Would these same people, if faced with an all-black nude swimming session, raise such a fuss? (This is England, not Tennessee, mind you.)

A thousand people with too much time on their hands rallied for Supreme Assface Sally Kern this week. Forget Iran, our next war may be a civil one.

Anybody watch Australian Gladiators? You mean they're multiplying?

E-Harmony, as has been long rumored, hates LGBTs.

And Chelsea Clinton has been seen at various gay bars, courting the queer vote for her she-swears-she's-not-mama. Wouldn't that be great if Chelsea came out during the general election? McCain would win by 200 points.

Previously: Dita Von Teese and Ewan McGregor

Sloppy Seconds: What? You Didn't Know Barack Obama and Brad Pitt Were Cousins?

Emily Farris — Wed, 26 Mar 2008 21:41:00 GMT

Why pay thousands of dollars for a naked picture of French First Lady Carla Bruni when you can see it on The Internets for free?

Actress Kate Beckinsale would rather eat vagina than sushi. "At least a vagina would be warm."

Chelsea Clinton wants you to know that Monica Lewinsky is none of your business! So stop asking questions about it.

Also none of your business? The ending of the upcoming "Sex and the City" movie, at least until it hits theaters in the US, according to its star Sarah Jessica Parker.

Do you have a workplace bully? Or are you one? Workplace bullying might be worse than sexual harassment!

Someone with far too much time on his or her hands traced the Democratic candidates' ancestry and has decided that Barack Obama is related to Brad Pitt, The George Bushes, Gerald R. Ford, Lyndon B. Johnson, Harry S. Truman, and James Madison. And if Obama is related to Pitt, then Hillary Clinton has to be related to Angelina Jolie, Celine Dion, Alanis Morissette, Jack Kerouac and Camilla Parker-Bowles. Um, yeah.

Breakfast with Chelsea Apparently Not Enough to Close the Deal

Bryan Christian — Fri, 22 Feb 2008 13:00:00 GMT

Who'd have thought that 21-year old Jason Rae, a superdelegate from the state of Wisconsin, would be pledging his vote to Obama after an aggressive whirlwind courtship by the Clintons that included breakfast with Chelsea?

“The Democratic Party is fortunate to have two very talented individuals running for President this election,” said Rae in a statement released by the Obama campaign Thursday. “It is a difficult choice for anyone, but in the end, the choice for me has become clear. I am proudly supporting Senator Barack Obama."

OK, we're sorry. We know that people got in trouble recently for sexualizing Chelsea's role in the campaign, but come on! Not only did this guy let her attempt to charm him over morning coffee, but he got a personal call from Big Daddy Bill. This is like Penthouse Forums for Young Democrats -- he's practically in the family now -- and he's still voting Obama!

How do you suppose he broke the news to Chelsea? We bet she was texting him for days -- "Y R U so distant? -- before he finally called her.

Huh, what do you know. We make a joke about a guy not-really-breaking-up with Chelsea Clinton -- and now we kind of hate him on her behalf. Jerk!

MSNBC: Obama = Osama

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 20 Feb 2008 14:30:00 GMT

Barack Obama, known to Wonkettes as Barry Hussein (get it-- his middle name is the same as Saddam's last name), is up against the ignorance that brought us George Bush, chewing tobacc'a, and Pabst Blue Ribbon. In short, he is facing the American electorate in states long ignored by the thinkers and philosophers, and MSNBC is making sure to pander to them, jumping into the pig troughs and throwing the shit at each other to fill up every news hour.

The geniuses who brought you the Pimped Out Chelsea Clinton and other insults directed at her parents, particularly by head jackass-of-all-trades Chris Matthews, have now done themselves one better. On Monday night's Hardball, Matthews was speaking of Senator Obama when a graphic of the other Muslim terrorist appeared (no, not Dennis Kucinich), Osama Bin Laden, that Crazy Liberal from the East:

The other classy American news institution, CNN, committed same error last year, in a way:

Mitt Romney made the same, um, "mistake" during his campaign when blurted out Senator "Osama" when he meant to say "that guy the leader of my party never bothered to catch before or after 9/11."

Yep, above's another winner, Senator Lindsay Graham of one of those Carolina states that still practices lynching and uses different water fountains for Jews and darkies, seen here at a McCain event. They love that alliteration shit-- I guess it's better than literacy, folks! Yuck yuck yuck.

Here are some more gems from the Scanner vaults... yes, we save everything... otherwise, it'll get buried by NBC and their lackeys in the MSM.

Who Would You Rather: Chelsea or McCain's Blogette?

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 13 Feb 2008 17:20:00 GMT

Because we're just not ready to let that old Chelsea joke die.

We'll admit, McCain is more desirable (ha, just reread that phrase again), but you know that, whether the Clinton campaign makes it to the White House, the speculation on Chelsea's own political career are soon to follow. So, it comes down to: Semi-decent blond with potential to be a First Daughter Meghan McCain vs. Former-possibly-future First Daughter who may one day be President herself Chelsea Clinton. (Yeah, no, we don't really see Miss Blogette running her own victorious White House campaign anytime in this millennium.)

On the Subject of Being "Pimped Out"

Emily Farris — Mon, 11 Feb 2008 19:02:00 GMT

OK, not so much the subject itself, but the semantics of the phrase.

Last Thursday, MNSBC anchor David Shuster said on the air, “Doesn’t it seem as if Chelsea is sort of being pimped out in some weird sort of way?” after she was recruited to make calls for her mother's campaign. Now the Clinton camp is throwing a huge fit and may pull out of an MSNBC debate scheduled for later this month.

On one hand, if we ("we" being everyone under the age of 30) didn't use "pimped out" to describe many things (cars, apartments, internships), then maybe it would be a bigger deal. It's not like Shuster was implying that the Clintons were sending Chelsea out to have sex in exchange for votes. In fact, we don't think we would have given it a second thought had we been watching the broadcast.

But on the other hand, as Tina Fey (Ms. Norbury) so famously said in Mean Girls, "You all have got to stop calling each other sluts and whores. It just makes it okay for guys to call you sluts and whores."

We're not in any way saying Chelsea brought this upon herself; it's highly possible she's never uttered that phrase in her life. But we (women, including Scanner Emily who has used "pimped out" to describe something as benign as Rice Krispies Treats) throw it around like it's no big deal. Like many words and phrases, it's lost its meaning. "Whoring" would have been much more offensive, we think.

Scanner verdict: While Shuster shouldn't have said what he did, the Clinton campaign is making way too big a deal out of it (identity politics, anyone?). And maybe that makes us bad feminists.

[Previously on Scanner: MSNBC: Chelsea Clinton Being "Pimped Out"]

Who Would You Rather: Hillary or Barack?

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 06 Feb 2008 21:50:00 GMT

Well, since CNN can't decide who you'd rather, maybe you should tell them. This week's "Who Would You Rather" is between the guy who starred in that hot Obama Girl's video with his shirt off on the beach a la Daniel Craig vs. the woman who gave birth to Chelsea Clinton.

And don't let your political preferences decide who you would or would not rather. There are no write-in candidates. There are no provisional ballots-- just you, a voting booth, two names, and a lever. Which sounds like some weird sex game. So yank on that lever, folks, and tell us: Who. Would You...

I Hate MySelf For Loving You: Chelsea Clinton

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 24 Jan 2008 19:48:00 GMT

Well, it's really "I Love Myself For Loving You: Chelsea Clinton." Just in case she reads this one day when we're going out.

Chelsea Clinton is really hot in person. I was at a party once and saw a dolled-up redhead in a slinky green dress, shuffling through the crowd with a decorated Marine on her arm. At the time, I was partly distracted by conversation with a very hot, spiky-haired Iraq war vet who was telling me about her taking a tank out for a spin and blasting some death metal into the Bagdad streets, just for laughs. She looked exactly like a girl I fell in love with in New Orleans on her last night before reporting for duty with the Army, and who I never heard from again after she went to Afghanistan.

The redhead came over to us and said a polite hello. When I realized it was Chelsea, my eyes nearly popped out of my head. And not because she's famous-- although that must have been what she she thought my reaction was due to-- but because she had changed so much... and for the better.

It also helps that I'm totally her type:

I should superimpose my face over his, like that candidate did in Texas. Then she'd see, then she'd see.... Okay, I'll stop now.

[Top Photo: Reuters; Bottom Photo: Dimitrios Kambouris, Wireimage.com]