Scanner : Breakup of the Week

While You Were Sleeping: Foxy Brown Joins The Nipple Slip Parade

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 13:12:00 GMT

Charley Pride: country music legend and our Hero of the Day, no question.

This man's stripper addiction costs him pretty much his entire salary. Dude, you can rent a harem in most countries, including the US, every night of the week, for what you're throwing away in English pounds.

Spencer Tunick won't be showing naked Irish people to Ireland after all.

This is a tragic(ally hilarious?) tale of Mile High Club action gone wrong.

Don't text while driving-- it can cost you years of prison time.

Google Voice is coming to the iPhone. In other news, Scanner Brian may be coming to the iPhone today...

We told you about how meddling Puritan Republicans basically banned porn at Maryland State schools. Thankfully, the students aren't giving up
so easily...

Did Sam and Lindsay really break up this time? And does this mean this is the last time we'll ever have to mention their names in writing?

And Foxy Brown slipped a nip in concert. That is all you need to know.

Website Stockpiles Your Worst In-Flight Experiences

Skinny Blonde Beer As Misogynist As It Is Gimmicky

While You Were Sleeping: Britain's Next Topless Model

Ryanair Stewardess Wants You to Join Her Mile High Club

Sloppy Seconds: Gwyneth Paltrow Has a Cure for Joaquin Phoenix

While You Were Sleeping: Joining the Mile High Club

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 13:08:00 GMT

Forty million people tuned in to watch Obama's press conference. Yes, but what does it mean?

We're not sure what to say about the bank robber who rammed his getaway car into another car, fled, took a bus, taxi, and a ride from his sister, and was finally apprehened at home with a paltry four grand when he was forced to call 9-1-1. It turns out that he'd arrived home to find his roommate dead of an apparent suicide.

Oh no! A Three Stooges movie now?! Make it stop... and tell these actors we now officially hate them: Sean Penn, Jim Carrey, and Benicio del Toro.

These defense lawyers for Phil Spector would crack us up if they weren't helping psycho get away with second-degree murder.

Would you eat a 4,800 calorie burger? Would anyone?

Remember the guy who was busted in the act of having sex with a car wash vaccuum cleaner? Yeah, a mere 90 days for scarring those witnesses for life.

Skype is #1 in the world-- take that, AT&T.

A GOP whip chose the whip Britney Spears used onstage.

Chicago's St. Patrick's Day Parade is no more.

It's week 915 of the tabloids pretending Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are breaking up. But, for the first time ever, people are starting to believe it might be true.

And singer Elvis Crespo joined the Mile High Club... or so says this woman, who complained about it.

Jennifer Aniston Finally Speaks Out About Brad Pitt

Britney Spears Suffers From A Vagina Slip

"You'll Still Pay Money To Come See Me"

While You Were Sleeping: If Even Apple Is In Trouble

While You Were Sleeping: Jen and John Redux

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 13:08:00 GMT

The Iraqi shoe thrower was sentenced to three years in prison. Come on, even if this happened in Texas while Bush was Governor, he probably wouldn't have received such a lengthy prison term.

Radiohead to a vindictive Miley Cyrus: shut up and "grow up."

This mama monkey in Thailand shows her incredibly cute lil' monkey offspring how to floss with human hair. And they say evolution is a myth.

Howard K. Stern and Anna Nicole Smith's doctor were charged with being complete assholes to her, basically helping her die young.

A great many teens appear to blame Rihanna for Chris Brown going medieval on her. Where does this kind of thinking come from? The parents?

Ashley Alexandra Dupree is getting spiritual advice from... Russell Simmons? Not that we're against it, but we're hoping he's advising her to abandon her singing career.

It seems John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston have broken up again. Moving along...

And Will Ferrel will broadcast his Broadway show on HBO at 9pm EST on Saturday.

While You Were Sleeping: The Wrestler And That Video Game

Sloppy Seconds: Women Know When Men Are Turned On

Crush of the Week: Carrie Brownstein

Top 10 Breakup Songs

Woman's Husband and Stepfather Arrested For Blackmailing Her with a Sex Tape

Top 10 Breakup Songs

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 19:22:00 GMT

We gave you a partial day off yesterday to help you (us) recover from Valentine's Day. Were there any casualties on the field?

If so, then it's true... breakup season has begun... and with it comes a playlist to help you make it through the night...

10. Bob Marley & The Wailers - No Woman, No Cry. Bob Marley's anthemic reggae single from 1974 was actually (allegedly) written by a guy who worked at a local soup kitchen. Either that or Marley wanted to ensure the guy received enough in royalties to keep his charitable organization alive. In any case, it's impossible to not be uplifted by this chorus-- although many have often tried to interpret it. "Does it mean because he has a woman, he isn't crying or what?" Choice lyrics: "My feet is my only carriage/So I've got to push on through/But while I'm gone, I mean: Everything's gonna be all right!" Mood: Ready to embrace life again.

9. Fleetwood Mac - Go Your Own Way. From 1977's smash Rumours album, this is the only song on our list written as a breakup song from one band member to another-- in this case, from Buckingham to Nicks. Strangely enough, Nicks knew the song was about her and agreed to sing it... although she asked Lindsay to remove the choice line "Packing up, shacking up is all you want to do" because she never cheated on him. He disagreed or at least didn't want to remove it and the song stands as is. Mood: Venting, prone to leaving epic voice mails.

8. Elvis Presley - Heartbreak Hotel. The biggest song of 1956 is still a great breakup song more than four decades later. It's combo of somber lyrics and an infectuous melody is the perfect combination when you're in the mood for a sympathetic soul and inspiration to go forward. And, of course, it's always worth a listen in any situation. Choice lyrics: All of them, but particularly the opening: "Well, since my baby left me, I found a new place to dwell/Its down at the end of lonely street/At heartbreak hotel." Mood: Lonely, in need of a lift.

7. Alanis Morrisette - You Ought Know. We never liked this or any of her songs, especially after we learned "You Oughta Know" is about that douche from that awful Full House show, but you can't argue with the anger here. Or those choice lyrics: "Would she go down on you in a theater?" Sadly, she will not. Mood: If you're the breaker-upper and you're not sure the switch was the best move.

6. Ani DiFranco - Untouchable Face. Maybe it's because of who we hung out with and where we grew up, but it seemed like every girl we went to high school with popped this in their CD player and hit repeat when they got dumped. Those choice lyrics "fuck you in your untouchable face/fuck you for existing in the first place" may have had something to do with it. Mood: Angry, wishing you weren't still in love.

5. Joni Mitchell - Both Sides Now. Mitchell's classic folk tune from the late sixties is often interpreted as reflections by a narrator who has seen the two viewpoints of everything in life, but particularly love. At first, she sees love as a fairytale and isn't prepared for the reality, that not everything will be perfect. Once she's reconciled to this, the narrator is finally able to take on a relationship full prepared. Choice lyrics: "I've looked at love from both sides now/From give and take, and still somehow/It's loves illusions I recall/I really don't know love at all." Also: "Tears and fears and feeling proud/To say I love you right out loud." Mood: Reflective and ready.

4. Paul Simon - 50 Ways To Leave Your Lover. Not all breakup songs have to be from the point-of-view of a lover. Remember, your friends can hate your ex's, too. Choice lyrics: "Just slip out the back, Jack/Make a new plan, Stan/Don't need to be coy, Roy/Just get yourself free." Mood: Glad you listened to your friends in getting out of that one by the skin of your teeth.

3. Bob Dylan - Tangled Up in Blue. During the mid-seventies, while undergoing a rough period in the relationship with his wife, Dylan lived in New York City and began studying painting. His new-found love of art and his relationship weigh in equally on his 1974 album Blood on the Tracks, which depicts a series of breakups in its songs, all with nonlinear narratives and unfinished portraits of the characters. The obvious example is, of course, Tangled Up In Blue, which shifts back and forth through time, ending with the immortal final stanza and its memorable lyric "Now I'm going back to her again/I got to get to her somehow" and the last lines "We always did feel the same/We just saw it from a different point of view/Tangled up in blue." Thanks to these pleas, he was able to get his relationship going for three more years until he blew it for the last time. Choice lyrics: "And when finally the bottom fell out/I became withdrawn/The only thing I knew how to do/Was to keep on keepin' on like a bird that flew/Tangled up in blue." Mood: Devastated.

2. Smokey Robinson & the Miracles - The Tracks of My Tears. This is the "I don't care about you" song that lets them know that, deep down, you really do care. If you see him with another girl, just remember that she's just his rebound babe and that the one he really wants is you... whenever you're ready to come back around. As Oliver Stone says over a scene featuring this tune on the Platoon DVD commentary: "Humanity is engraved in this music." Choice lyrics: "So take a good look at my face/You'll see my smile looks out of place/If you look closer it's easy to trace/The tracks of my tears." Mood: Not over you, leaving that door open, but on the rebound.

1. Gloria Gaynor - I Will Survive. It's hard to imagine that people have made breakup song lists that not only haven't placed this at #1, but have left them off entirely. At least they could've included that funkified Cake cover. Anyway, what can we say about this song that isn't obvious: it's a disco classic, it's a breakup song, and it's sappy and motivational. Choice lyrics: "Oh, as long as I know how to love I know I'll stay alive/I've got all my life to live/I've got all my love to give and I'll survive/I will survive." Mood: Tony Cliftonesque.

Honorable Mention: Hurt - Johnny Cash; The One I Love - r.e.m.; Hit the Road Jack - Ray Charles; Always on My Mind - Elvis Presley / Willie Nelson. What songs have gotten you through a bad breakup?

Playlist:

The Tracks Of My Tears [Single Version (Mono)]

Link to mp3 of Both Sides Now

Tangled Up In Blue

Go Your Own Way [LP Version]

50 Ways To Leave Your Lover [Album Version]

Related:

Top 10 Cover Songs of All-Time

Top 10 Sexiest Album Covers of All Time

Amazon Giving Away Lots of Great mp3's

While You Were Sleeping: Lindsay Lohan's Crushing News

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 14:02:00 GMT

The Black Crowes are taking recording back to the era of the basement-- the basement tapes, that is. They'll perform four sold-out concerts at Levon Helm's house and use them for their next record.

Watch Richard Simmons, our personal hero, attack a CNN interviewer's foot live on air.

A four-year-old boy named Nathan Beavers shot his eighteen-year-old male babysitter for...? Ha-- you guessed wrong-- Beavers shot the babysitter for stepping on his foot.

Gaza kids spoke out about how the violence has ruined their lives.

John Travolta's kid's death was caused by a seizure disorder. (Damn, all this sad news about children today-- if anyone hears about a kid sending his allowance to Darfur, let us know.)

Patricia Arquette is getting divorced. Rihanna is getting engaged. And, as we've already mentioned, Jennifer Love Hewitt isn't getting married...

...and Lindsay Lohan is allegedly done with Samantha Ronson. Think she got dumped?

Related:

Caption This: Lindsay Lohan's Boobs And Sam Ronson's Eyeline

Every Time Lindsay Lohan Has a Drink, Deborah Norville Gets a New Fur Coat

The Halo Wedding: More Pathetic Than the Second Life Divorce?

Hey, Cheap Rent! Oh, Wait... The Fine Print Is Pretty Insane...

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 14:45:00 GMT

How many of you would move to Manhattan if you landed an apartment for less than $3,000 a month? Now, how many of you would take the place if it was in the happening East Village for $325, rent stabilized?

Put your hands down, because as you may have suspected, this one's a ripoff even at those prices...

This is a post we came across on Craig's List (to our friends out there who are reading this-- no, we're not moving-- but Good God, if this had been for real, we would be breaking leases left and right to make it happen). (Emphasis added.)

$325 EAST VILLAGE- Controlled and large 3 bed (East Village) (map)

-Wow…I can’t believe I am doing this..But I am looking for someone to rent my rent controlled apartment. The monthly rent is extremely cheap and would be a dream for many people in this city. It is in the east village close to A and 3rd. I caught my wife in bed with our neighbor who is almost 20 years younger than her. She is refusing to move out and still seeing him when I am at work, on my bed…I need someone to move in and help me get her out. Man or woman. My plan is to act like we are a couple until she can’t take it anymore. I have done everything possible to try and get her out..But she is a scumbag….So we need to create some type of plan that would get her out..i would charge you very cheap and all you would have to do is act like we are dating. We might have to kiss if front her and make fake sounds when we are in the bedroom. Please respond with a detailed description of your plan to get her out and a little about your self. You could live there after she is out and unless we fall in love we don’t have to do anything else.

Right... you don't have to do anything else. Wow-- we knew that some people too breakups a little hard and rebounds with unwarranted seriousness, but Holy Christ-- this is worse than those ads that start "I'm a downtown businessman with no time for a girlfriend; so, if you want to be my roommate, I only have one requirement: wear this French maid outfit at all times..."

Via Craig's List.

Related:

Sloppy Seconds: The 69-Year-Old Pinup Dude

Vegas Is Boring, So Thank God Atlantic City's Still Sleazy...

Sex Shop Etiquette... From A $9-An-Hour Sex Shop Employee

News Anchor Fired After His Swingers Craigslist Ad Cracks Up The Office

Sloppy Seconds: Stripper Feels the Crunch

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 23:12:00 GMT

We just want to start out by saying you need to see the following three movies this weekend: Slumdog Millionaire, Milk, and The Wrestler, supposing they are out where you currently reside. Mickey Rourke's performance is one of the greatest so far this century, although Sean Penn is equally good on a more subtle level and could steal an Oscar from him, while Slumdog Millionaire is barely not cheeseball Bollywood/Hollywood, but the story hooks you almost instantly and the end-credit dance-off is the most eye popping in ages. Check out movie showtimes here.

In other news, we have a final result in the $54 million dry cleaning lawsuit...

Roy L. Pearson, the former administrative law judge who sued his dry cleaner for $54 million over a misplaced pair of pants, lost his final appeal in the District's highest court.
"Appellant failed to establish either that the Chungs' 'Satisfaction Guaranteed' and 'Same Day Service' signs constituted false or misleading statements, or that they lost his pants.

Next, we hope he gets sued (and loses again) over all this...

A stripper in Colorado has been making $18 a day thanks to the recession.

Want to have a day of hookey with your girl? Just call in anonymous threats to her school!

Wall-E seems to be benefitting the split votes among the critics, who can't decide on a favorite that any of them pick as their #1. Instead, they end up with everybody's second or third choice, the Pixar film that delighted audiences and baffled the gluttonous.

And Janet Jackson broke up with Jermaine Dupri, according to the tabloids.

While You Were Sleeping: Scrubs & Friends

48-Year-Old Carol Alt Finally Does Playboy

While You Were Sleeping: Khloe Kardashian Looks Weird Naked

Sloppy Seconds: the 69-Year-old Pinup Dude

Top 10 Celebrity Twitterers

While You Were Sleeping: Will Smith's Milestone

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 13:22:00 GMT

Poor Natalie Portman. She moved from New York to LA to be with Devendra Banhart, only to see the relationship fall apart.

Check out the full clip of John McCain turning Letterman down yesterday to "rush back to Washington"... and ending up on another CBS show.

We thought about not telling you about this one...

A man who woke up from a circumcision procedure to discover his penis had been cut off is suing doctors.
Philip Seaton went to be circumcised at a hospital in Louisville, Kentucky last October, but awoke to find his penis had been amputated.
He also said he has lost the enjoyment of life, according to the lawsuit.

Some of our readers don't enjoy the comedy of Wanda Sykes. They obviously didn't see her on Leno the other night.

Philadelphia exploded a suspicious package... of hot dogs.

The serial killer who bumped off approximately 23 people, many of them gay men, in the parishes of southern Louisiana was sentenced to eight consecutive life terms.

Can you believe that Will Smith turns 40 today?

And Jenna Jameson is pregnant with twins. And no, the father is not some random co-star, okay?

Teen Sex Most Popular In Kentucky... And Other Global Sex Trends

Ex-Candidate For Kentucky Gov. Arrested For Sex Offenses After Obvious Joke

This Week In Gayness: Discriminated By McDonald's

Who Would You Rather, Scarlett Johansson or Natalie Portman?

Jenna Jameson: The Next PETA Pin-Up

"Paris Hilton's Vagina Bites Penguin" And Other Classic Celebrity Spam Headlines

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 16:17:00 GMT

Mainly because it's Friday and we're burnt out from a romantic concert by Dean & Britta last night, we found this Top 10 List of Celebrity Spam bizarrely hilarious...

10) Britney Spears Admits “My Vagina Made Me Shave My Head Bald”
9) Angelina Jolie’s Lips Explode
8) Sarah Jessica Parker Arrested For Gross Negligee
7) Britney Spears Shoots Down American Spy Satellite With Her Vagina
6) Angelina Jolie Set To Destroy Own Vagina
5) Britney Spears: “Yes, I tried to suck the shine off a bumper”
4) BREAKING NEWS: Mike Tyson To Fight Michael Jackson (oh, please, let this be true!)
3) LiLo heartbroken as Diana’s Butler beds Winehouse
2) Paris Hilton Becomes Nun
1) Aliens Deny Impregnating Paris Hilton

Also: Paris Hilton's Vagina Bites Penguin, Britney Spears Is Actually A Piece Of Broccoli, Britney Spears Applies For Barack Obama Masseuse Job, Britney Spears Recording New Album - Forgotten How To Sing (unfortunately, this one's probably not true), Paris Hilton Dogs Paris Hilton With Lawsuit, Britney Spears Not Bipolar - New World Order Conspiracy Afoot, Paris Hilton denies screwing Ron Paul, Paris Hilton: "I'm Still A Summer Virgin," and Aliens Kidnapped By Michael Jackson. (We're taking it they meant "Alien Babies...")

A couple of these were not celebrity-related, but too good to pass up. MSNBC: Couple Plans Breakup In 2009 and BREAKING NEWS: "I Ate All The Pies," Man Confesses.

Several of these are taken from this post.

Related:

Somebody Wants To Invade Our Vaginas

Top 10 Spam Euphemisms For Your Small Willy

Security Breach Means More Spam For Porn Customers

I Made It Into Spam; Now I Can Die A Happy Man

Top 10 Things Younger Than John McCain

Sloppy Seconds: Kate Beckinsale's Vagina Fear

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 21:13:00 GMT

The President of Pakistan resigned today following an emotional, hour-long speech recapping his life. Has George W. Bush ever given a speech, besides the State of the Union, that lasted more than eight seconds?

A woman recalls her nightmare date with the phony "Rockefeller" kidnapper. She knew he was a fake when she saw Post It notes all over his car reminding him of his different "life stories."

John Mayer spoke to TMZ about his relationship with Jennifer Aniston:

"There's no lying, there's no cheating, there's no nothing. People are different, people have different chemistry, different lives. You're either a cheater or you break up and I'm not the first one, I'm the second one. I ended a relationship to be alone, because I don't want to waste somebody's time if something's not right.
"Jennifer Aniston is the smartest, most sophisticated person I think I have ever met.
"I guarantee you there's 20 per cent of people on this street that are in a relationship they wish they could get out of and don't know how."

Laurence Fishburne will join CSI, as rumors previously suggested.

Just have colon surgery? Here, have some gum.

Wanted: women in Australia who do not consider themselves attractive.

What is up with the beer kegs in Iowa?

And Kate Beckinsale almost had a vagina slip, or she tells it:

"It was one of those nights when I wore a supertight dress that you couldn't have worn anything under, since it would have showed. The paparazzi were literally lowering their cameras like speculums when I got out of the car.

"On the way home, I said to my husband 'Darling, I think they might have gotten it.' And so when we pulled in I made him re-enact the thing with his camera - a sort of crime-scene run through. It appears I survived unscathed."

John Mayer And TMZ Make A Funny Video: "Do You Love Celebrities? I Sure Have."

Who Would You Rather: Jennifer Aniston vs. Jennifer Connelly

Kate Beckinsale Would Much Rather F*ck Than Cook

Sloppy Seconds: Stripper Shoots Boyfriend Over $150

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 13 Aug 2008 21:09:00 GMT

A top Superior Court official in Cobb County, Georgia resigned after the following allegations were made public:

Sex in a judge's chambers, trysts at local hotels during business hours, obscene phone calls to female workers and a desire to see lesbian sex are among the many accounts of what was going on... for the past two decades.

A new study indicates the pill may lead women to make incorrect mating decisions. Hmm... no comment.

And Paris Hilton is being sued for

declining self-promotion for the first time in her life, TMZ reports that she's being sued for it:
Her 2006 "comedy" "National Lampoon's Pledge This!" was apparently so bad, even Paris wouldn't shill for it. Worldwide Entertainment Group says she got paid a mil — a mil, folks — to act in the movie and then push it on TV and radio. They say she didn't do the latter and so they're going after her in Federal court.

A stripper and another possible shooter wounded the stripper's (ex-)boyfriend over a whopping $150 debt.

Ha, ha: A judge in California allowed the state's colleges to deny entry to Christian students who learned about the Bible instead of evolution.

Obama supporter or just crazy idiot? An overzealous supporter sent Cindy McCain to the hospital today with a "crushing" handshake.

Wait, aren't Pam and Tommy Lee still together? Guess not.

And George W. Bush is sending US troops and sexy socialite Condi Rice to rescue Georgia from a ~~Soviet~~ Russian invasion.

NY Girl of My Dreams Is Back to Riding the 5 Train

Nicole Pasulka — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 17:44:00 GMT

So it seems young lover and NYGirlofMyDreams creator Patrick Moberg has parted ways with his dream girl Camille Hayton.

For those of you who just got to the party that is the Internet, last November bored New Yorkers fell in love with Patrick after seeing the website dedicated to the girl who'd stolen his heart on the 5 train. Because there really are only about 6 people in the world, readers tracked down Patrick's dream girl, aspiring actress and BlackBook intern Camille Hayton, within about 48 hours.

But the couple's relationship lasted only slightly longer. Yes, the pair have parted ways. According to Camille:

"I think the situation was so intense that it bonded us," she said, adding it "bonded us in a way that you could mistake, I guess, for being more romantic than it was. I don't know. But I wanted to give it a go so I didn't wonder what if, what if?"

Cheers, Patrick for taking a chance on love. Next time you see your dream girl on the train, be sure to forward us the link.

While You Were Sleeping: Anne Hathaway and the Cops

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 14:25:00 GMT

Arnold Schwarzenneger took 200,000 people hostage today. It sounds like one of his terrible movies from 1980s but actually, it's part of an ongoing budget crisis in California. Blah.

Headline of the Day: Alba Bans Honor From Acting. If you've ever seen Dark Angel, you will agree with us in saying she may have also banned Talent.

Who is Michelle Williams seeing now that the media won't pounce on her for it?

Michelle Williams has sparked rumours of a new romance with filmmaker Spike Jonze - six months after the death of her ex-fiance Heath Ledger.
The former Dawson's Creek star has been repeatedly spotted with Jonze, the ex-husband of Lost In Translation director Sofia Coppola, near his Manhattan apartment in recent weeks.
The pair first met in 2006 when Williams auditioned for Jonze's film adaptation of the classic children's story Where The Wild Things Are. She won a role, but later withdrew from the project.

Nope, nothing is sacred anymore: MTV is working on a remake of "The Rock Horror Picture Show."

Two Danish lesbians making more than $100K a year lost their lawsuit against the doctor who implanted one of them with two embryos instead of one, thus giving them twins and doubling the cost of child rearing expenses. Yep, they wanted the doctor to pay half their expenses. Apparently forever.

Anne Hathaway's journals may have been seized by the police in their ongoing prosecution of her ex-boyfriend. Unfortunately, this is not the plot of the next "Princess Diaries" movie...

And Lewis Black is, as usual, the go-to-guy for sane insanity in these, well, crazy times.

Sloppy Seconds: Is Hayden Engaged?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 20:09:00 GMT

A man in Atlantic City was arrested for merely "displaying" pornography in his car... including a naked barbie doll.

Local residents complained about "being exposed" to items in his car, which had been parked off an on, in the same lot for several weeks. The classic line:

"...The only thing that was found up front was a topless Barbie doll on the dashboard, two DVD's in the console, the rest of the stuff was in the back seat....the only way that anyone would know there was anything in there was to walk up and actually look in the car." [NBC]

A woman claiming to be A-Rod's favorite stripper called a Detroit radio show this morning. Madonna's reps denied the singer made the call.

Is Milo Vermtitieitithatahghgag about to pop the question to Jailbait Hayden Panettiere? Dude, she's 18... you're 31... let her grow up a bit first!

Lucky for us an even better catch is back on the market: Emily Blunt, formerly attached to Michael Buble, is rejoining the dating circuit, woo hoo.

Worst. Coworker. Ever. [ABC]

A Chilean stripper was just arrested for pole dancing on the subway. You've been warned, L train girls. [Reuters]

And the eadline of the Day (from Fark): Austrian man who locked his daughter in dungeon for 24 years asks to be let out of his prison cell, explaining that he can't stand being cooped up [Fark]

The A-Rod Madonna Lenny Kravitz Clusterf*ck

Video of the Day: Subway Pole Dancing

Who Are Your Five To Watch in 2008?

Italian Dude Kidnaps Ex, Makes Her Do His Laundry

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 17 Jun 2008 16:53:00 GMT

Captain Obvious of the local police told the press the man was apparently angry at the woman for leaving him...

The 43-year-old man, who was not identified, tracked down his former girlfriend and dragged her out of a Genoa bar before pushing her into his car and taking her home.
There, he threatened her with physical harm before forcing her to wash and iron his clothes.

For some reason, this reminds us of the movie "Swept Away," an very dark Italian comedy about a battle of the sexes. Cabin boy and bleached blond married woman are shipwrecked, fall in love, then fall apart when the cabin boy wants her to be his subservient house wench. Maybe that's what happened here... although the original story may have said it best, however har-har it may have been:

Guess he wanted to iron out their differences.

Told you it was kinda lame.

Via Asbury Park Press.

George Clooney's Ex Posing Nude For Playboy?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 15:31:00 GMT

Sarah Larson, the Vegas cocktail waitress recently ditched by George Clooney, allegedly after getting breast implants, is now up for the cover of Playboy...

"She likes her new body so much that she would consider posing for Playboy," the source claims. Sarah's "rep" denies the rumor.

Like George, we're strongly against breast implants-- at best, they only attract the wrong type of guys-- but we're even more against ex-reality show stars (Larson won "Fear Factor") becoming A-list (or even C-list) stars... hopefully, George will next choose someone who doesn't need to do a nude pictoral as breakup revenge. A classy person deserves another classy person, no?

Via the Post-Chronicle.

Sloppy Seconds: Heather Mills, Liv Tyler, and... Roseanne Barr?!

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 09 May 2008 21:33:00 GMT

Facebook is causing all sort of problems in England: first, a bunch of crazy water-fight participants destroyed a famous garden; more importantly, an ex-girlfriend broke into her guy's account and wrote all about his douchebaggery.

Liv Tyler is getting divorced. Liv, you can message us through Facebook anytime.

The McGreevey's finally settled their custody battle. We'll resist the temptation to make any jokes about their multiple fathers, orgies, sex with staff members, and any other crimes we've already covered exhaustively.

Heather Mills is going to pursue a spot on "Celebrity: Apprentice." We've never so badly wanted that show to be canceled...

Hugh Hefner wants Miley Cyrus or whatever her name is to appear in Playboy. When she's legal, of course. Sorry, Hugh, but we've already seen more of her, the Olsen twins, and Suri Cruise than we'd ever want to see. You dirty old perv.

Possibly the most repulsive pickup line imaginable, not just because of the source: Roseanne (Barr/Arnold/n/a) came on strong to George Clooney when Clooney debuted on her rad 80s TV show: "You're really good looking, why don't you take me out behind the stage and make me stink." [Starpulse]

And, finally, why not end your week with a laugh, as this video does:

Arianna Huffington: Iraq is McCain's Viagra...
Stephen Colbert: I suppose the warning on that should be: "If your erection lasts more than a hundred years, pull out!"

True Love Will Find You In The End... If You're A Swan

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 27 Mar 2008 18:51:00 GMT

Remember the story we told you about last week? The saddest breakup story ever? Well, maybe it was a breakup like the Carrie-Mr. Big breakups always are...

Yahoo!/Odd News is reporting on this breaking news: The black swan has been dumped by her new lover and may be moving back in with the giant wooden boat.

Huh? you're saying, apparently the only person on earth who hasn't heard about the black German swan and her epic love affair with a white wooden swan-shaped pedal boat. Petra fell for the Berlin lake's tied-up boat in 2006, was housed with the lovely piece of manmade beauty in an indoor zoo through the last winter, and stayed with her "man" through these past few months. Last week, we reported that the lovebirds (Scanner Emily, the only blogger here knowledgeable enough about animals and animal sex to confirm or deny any speculation about whether this metaphor is heavy handed) had split up after Petra fell for a real-life white swan.

Her lover, who we're sure lured Petra away only because he wanted what he couldn't have, snatched her up but quickly realized he's just a douche. Reports indicate the new man quickly broke up with Petra and ran away to be with the rest of the whiteys. (There's a metaphor for Barack Obama's recent speech here, but maybe we're too lazy to see it.)

A zoo statement says that Petra "appears to feel lonely" and is swimming around in an agitated state. The solution? On Friday, she will be taken back to the nearby lake and her faithful paddleboat. [Yahoo]

See, people? Even with a seemingly rock-solid marriage like Robin Williams's coming to a close after 19 years, there is still reason to have faith in the possibilities...

Previously: Swan Love Story Saddest Breakup Ever

Swan + Swan Boat Love Story Saddest Breakup Ever

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 18 Mar 2008 19:49:00 GMT

The weirdest and most Disney-worthy love story of our time has come to an end today.

Back in 2006, the universe made up of people who have too much time on their hands (certainly not any of you Scanner readers, of course) read of Petra, the German swan, who had fallen in love with a large white swan. The only reason anyone besides overly romantic lovers, park flashers, and the rest of the country's nature lovers even knew about this is because the large white swan was, in fact, a pedal boat.

Petra, a tiny black swan, followed the boat around a Munster lake for days at a time, and seemed unperturbed by her celebrity and media attention. During the '06-'07 winter season, the boat's owner was forced to remove the boat from the lake but was not going to be the bad guy in this story and had Petra move into an indoor pond in the city... along with her boyfriend.

The first sign of trouble was noted more than a year ago in a Der Spiegel story:

Wildlife experts hope she will lose interest in the boat when she gets to know the other black swans living in the pond. "There are four singles among them. So there's hope," said zookeeper Monika Ewering.

Today, Weird News confirmed that although their long courtship had lasted much longer than anyone thought, and was thought to be thriving through this past summer when both were out on the lake again, Petra and The Boat have indeed split up:

Zoo director Joerg Adler says Petra and her new mate - a white swan - are building a nest together.
The boat is to be returned to its local owner on Thursday.

Happy hour is starting early for us today, folks, sniff.

[Image courtesy the Associated Press and link via Weird News.]

Breakup of the Week: Wave Goodbye to Halle Berry's Glorious Pregnancy Breasts

Bryan Christian — Mon, 17 Mar 2008 21:00:00 GMT

Like you, we are ecstatic over the news of Halle Berry and her boyfriend Whatshisface celebrating the birth of their new, presumably-eye-scaldingly-beautiful baby girl. But as Julian Schnabel titled his laughable-yet-strangely-appealing debut album, every silver lining has a cloud. Which in this is case is, of course, the end of the deeply, er, touching relationship that we had built with Ms. Berry's constantly expanding décolletage. It seems like only yesterday that we were first getting to know those two, and now... now, like every other relationship we've had, we'll have only the pictures and a few tattered restraining orders to remind us of the good times. So won't you join us please as we say goodbye -- no, let us say au revoir -- to these wondrous testaments to the miracle of birth?

... and just so we don't forget...

... we're gonna get through this somehow.