Scanner : Bill Clinton

Italy's Long National Nightmare Is Finally Over...

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 04 May 2009 22:01:00 GMT

The long national nightmare that is Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi's "Bill-Clinton-Multiplied-By-90,000" marriage has finally come to an end.

Today, we'll look back on Silvio's many... many... many reasons for driving his wife to, at long last, file for divorce...

-defended Mussolini as a guy who sent people "on vacation" and didn't kill anybody

-claimed "Communists eat children"

-has been linked on numerous occasions to the Mafia

-"If I wasn't already married, I would marry you right away," and "With you, I'd go anywhere" are quotes attributed to Berlusconi, apparently speaking to Mara Carfagna, the showgirl-turned politician. Berlusconi's wife, Veronica Lario, demanded an apology in an opposition newspaper following the alleged incident

-was accused of making "sexist remarks" when he said right-wing women are hotter than left-wingers (he obviously has never seen Ann Coulter on television.)

-celebrated Obama's election by calling him "handsome" and "even tanned."

-answering a question about rape in Italy and soldiers being sent out to put a stop to it: "We would need as many soldiers as beautiful women and I don't think that would be possible, because our women are so beautiful."

It goes on and on... are you getting a picture? You must be wondering at this point what the final straw was for a lovable wackjobjackass like Silvio Berlusconi. The answer comes to us from the Times Online:

Ms Lario, who met Mr Berlusconi nearly 30 years ago, attacked last week his plans to field young attractive showgirls in the European Parliament elections next month as “shameless rubbish to entertain the Emperor”.

Her fury was fuelled by the revelation that her husband had attended the 18th birthday party of Noemi Letizia, a friend’s daughter, and had given her a diamond and gold necklace. Ms Lario said that he had never attended his own children’s 18th birthday parties.

Sick, sick, sick.

Related:

Sloppy Seconds: Free Boobs!

French President Names Woman To Cabinet Because She's Hot

And You Thought Bill Clinton Was A Sex-Crazed Politician...

Italian Model's Virginity For Sale (And For Only $1.5 Million!)

Italy's Prime Minister Accused of "Pimping Out" Young Starlets

Paraguay Has Its Very Own Bill Clinton-Style Sex Scandal

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 13:53:00 GMT

This post marks the first time we've ever linked to Al Jazeera, at least that I can recall. Not that we're afraid of what Sean Hannity and his McCarthyite followers might say.

Rather, the famed Arabic news service is rarely one to break major sex scandals... until now. And we're glad we didn't miss this one like Fox News already has, because it has three classic scandal plot points...

1) Fernando Lugo, the President of Paraguay, has admitted to fathering a child out of wedlock with Viviana Carrillo, who was not even his girlfriend at the time.

2) The boy is almost two, making the woman 24 and and Lugo 55 at the time of conception.

3) Lugo was technically still a Roman Catholic bishop at the time he knocked up the young woman. He was staying with her at her godmother's house when their sexual relationship began, culminating in the birth of the boy almost a year before he won the Presidency. So, he didn't knock anybody up while in office (that we know of), but don't forget that the Pope had actually turned down his request be relieved of the vows of celibacy-- even after the boy's birth. (Pope Benedict eventually gave in.)

This all only came to light when the woman was forced to file a paternity suit against the Paraguayan President-- he thought he could pull a John Edwards up until the last minute. More via Al Jazeera.

Related:

Anderson Cooper's Mom Likes The Dirty Talk

Top 10 Feminist Icons... From A Male (Part Two)

Nevada Governor's Sex Scandal May Top Eliot Spitzer's

Pete Doherty's Unbelievable Butt Tattoo

"Britain's Sexiest Teacher" In Hot Water After Steamy Photo Shoot

Nevada Governor's Sex Scandal May Top Eliot Spitzer's

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 13:50:00 GMT

Jim Gibbons, Republican Governor of Nevada and accused sexual assailant, is one helluva piece of work. We've previously told you about Gibbons and an incident involving a waitress who claims she was assaulted and told to "shut up" by the Governor one night in a parking garage, although no charges were filed.

Now, the juicy details of the Gibbons family divorce are burning up the wire...

Mrs. Dawn Gibbons was sick of Gibbons and his philandering, although it was the Governor who filed for divorce last spring. Nonetheless, she has a bone to pick with him about his affairs with two specific women, although more infidelities are alleged.

1) One woman received approximately 860 texts from Gibbons's state-issued cell. When this information first came to light, Romeo was forced to reimburse $130. According to USA Today, Gibbons denies these were love notes.

2) As depicted in the photograph above, the Love Gov. is alleged to have snatched up a colleague's ex-wife: specifically the ex-wife of Reno's Mayor, who happens to be Leslie Durant, a former Playboy bunny and, we believe, Miss September 1989, something not reported in the mainstream media. (See here for a blog that discusses their relationship and outs her as 9/89's girl.) UPDATE: It has come to our attention that someone other than a Leslie Durant was Miss September that year, although there is a variety of evidence Leslie Durant (probably under her maiden name) appeared in Playboy that month.

Let us remind everyone that it's better to break up with someone than to cheat on them and try to get away with it. Gibbons hasn't learned that lesson from Bill Clinton or Spitzer, apparently.

Jersey Girl's Torrid Love Affair With An Eighth Grader

Married British Barrister Billed Client For Sex

Cloris Leachman Won't Wait For Her Entree, Wants You Now

Rumormongering: Rihanna Gave Chris Brown Herpes

American Woman: The Presidential Mistress

Emily Farris — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 14:54:00 GMT

When you think of presidential mistresses do you imagine Monica Lewinsky and her blue dress making nightly appearances on Inside Edition? Or maybe you picture Marilyn Monroe baring all for photographer Bruce Stern in The Last Sitting. In fact, save for America’s bittersweet love for Ms. Monroe, presidential girlfriends are rarely presented in a positive light. Until now.

British painter Annie Kevans has captured every presidential mistress—and one mister—on record in her oil-on-paper series All the Presidents’ Girls.
JFK's conquests make up more than a third of the collection, but they share the spotlight with the likes of Jefferson’s slave girl Sally Hemings, Monica Lewinsky and William Rufus DeVane King—who was elected Vice President under Franklin Pierce and was rumored to have been James Buchanan’s undercover lover.

Kevans recently closed a three-day gallery show in New York but the entire series can be viewed online.

Related:

Mistress Contest Goes Horribly Wrong

Sloppy Seconds: Ron Wood's Mistress In The Buff

It Never Ends: Giuliani Billed NYC Taxpayers To Bang His Mistress/Future-Wife

Sloppy Seconds: Chris Brown's Mystery Woman Revealed

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 21:58:00 GMT

Hillary Clinton told everyone about falling in love with Bill Clinton. Of course, they only want to hear about how she fell out of love with Bill Clinton.

By the way, where did Rielle Hunter get the name Frances Bean from?

Young women mistakenly think men want potential female partners to drink them under the table. Got that?

Is the future of the conservative movement this woman? Whatever it is, we're getting tired of hearing that its next round of leaders are all women. After all, every one of them turns out to be a porn star (Stormy Daniels, Sarah Palin, and this Russian woman-- just check out that tiny photo near the top.)

Sienna Miller and Keira Knightley will battle for the love of Dylan Thomas in a new film. Winner, no matter what the historical evidence: Knightley.

A guy claims he successfully shipped himself from NYC to Vegas. We'd almost care except... he's a magician.

It always surprises us to see people driving along without a care in the world when their cars are wobbling violently from a flat tire. Turns out, they're probably wasted.

Why has it taken Congress so long to do anything to protect whistleblowers? What year did the Pentagon Papers come out again?

And the other woman in the Chris Brown-Rihanna story is revealed to be... his manager. (He may have had an affair with her at 16, Rihanna may have hit first, and a million other drops of bullshit that don't change the fact that he needs prison time.)

Woman Leads Cops Right to Her Liaison with Previous Victim

The UK Babies Having Babies Plot Thickens

Keira Knightley's Latest Nude Scene Kinda Puts Us To Sleep

Germany's Biggest Sex Scandal Comes To A Stunning Conclusion

While You Were Sleeping: Clit-Pumpin' Glory

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 14:42:00 GMT

An 83-year-old woman in Hungary warms our hearts by continuing to work in her chosen career: crime.

Amy Fisher is going on that rumored stripping tour.

There's a penis in Grand Theft Auto IV! Guess they have to do something to offset the rampant exploitation of women.

Funniest headline of the day: "'Clinton Lays Out Broad Asian Agenda'. This headline makes sense no matter how you arrange the words."

Try the clit pump-nasal spray combo for mind-blowing female orgasms!

How can you not love Sam Donaldson after this clip from a Wonkette/Gawker interview he did?

Jane's Addiction is back... and Nine Inch Nails says goodbye.

The Democrats in Congress are enjoying a rare boom in popularity thanks to the stimulus.

Check out the hamburger dress. Actually, don't bother.

Yay for Dita Von Teese, who insists she'd chose her stripping career over a man any day.

You should read this MTV story about the Lily Allen-Perez Hilton Twitter spat only because it's hilariously sad.

Related:

Eternal Hardons Landing Men in ER

Bedpost Beta Will Make You Feel Like The Slut You Really Are

No Foreplay For You

I Hate Myself For Loving You: Lily Allen

Pic via Drunken Stepfather

Happy Presidents Day! (From The Token Canadian)

Ina Maier — Mon, 16 Feb 2009 21:33:00 GMT

Look, let's be honest: I'm not American. I might have managed to procure citizenship via an immigration loophole on behalf of my maternal grandfather, but I'm pretty sure I spent the first 19 years of my life certain that Washington, DC was in the farthest Northeastern reaches of this fine conglomerate of states. North and South Carolina? Landlocked! Mason-Dixon? A dance, or possibly a barbeque restaurant, but most certainly something I will remain perpetually unable to define. I had my first taco (that wasn't out of an El Paso Taco Kit box) two years ago, say "Sore-ee" (as opposed to "Saw-ree"), and have ready at all times a long list of every single famous Canadian, should I ever find myself on the defensive side of a "51st State" debate.

All of which is a long way to say: I have absolutely nothing to offer on this fine day of celebration. Except for the two really awesome degrees of separation I've managed to dig up between myself, my family, and one prior president of the United States.

So, this one time, a few years ago, my one sister was totally dating one of Bill Clinton's post-presidential peeps and they went to go visit my other sister in New Zealand on a trip which not-so-coincidentally coincided with Clinton's own February 2006 trip to New Zealand, which is how, somehow, the New Zealand-based sister found herself in an elevator with the man himself, en route to a luncheon, at which point (in the elevator ride), Cool Hand Clinton turns to my sister, confirms that his tie matched his pinstripes and gave her a wink.

And I've been forever jealous ever since.

UPDATE:

So, after publishing this, I did a quick search through old emails to see what else I might be able to dig up about their encounter, and while I didn't get a recap, I did find our pre-Clinton meeting gchats which, because I'm an awesome sister, I've taken the liberty of re-printing here.

[REDACTED]: yoyo. just got a call and meeting clinton tommorrow morning. now nervous!
[REDACTED]: hmmmm
[REDACTED]: should i ask him if he wants to spank me?
Me: HAHAHA
Me: i mean
Me: i would
Me: i love him

[Edited to excerpt some unrelated nonsense about an unemployed Dutchman I met in Aspen...]

Me: So what are you giong to wear to meet clinton??
[REDACTED]: naked!!!
[REDACTED]: no, really, what should i wear?
[REDACTED]: the blue silky skirt? from cynthis vincent. and creme girly blouse
[REDACTED]: or pants and blouse
Me: i like the first option
Me: pants and blouse is booooooring
Me: its clinton
Me: hes a dude
Me: not george bush sr

Zing! Words of wisdom, people.See Also: what happens when two innapropriate and politically-incorrect females discuss themost famous poon-hound in presidential history.

[Editor's note: No former presidents were spanked in the making of this blog post...though not for lack of trying.]

Addendum: In a strange twist of fate, this same sister would end up being West Village neighbors with Monica Lewinsky. For serious.

Scanner Colleen's Encounters of the Presidential Kind

Because We'd Rather be Watching C-SPAN

Emily Farris — Tue, 20 Jan 2009 19:05:00 GMT

Hey, at least it's better than lolcats, right?

My Obama, My Choice

Emily Farris — Tue, 20 Jan 2009 18:01:00 GMT

Thursday will be Barack Obama's second full day in office. It is also the 36th anniversary of Roe v. Wade, the 1973 Supreme Court decision that legalized abortion in the United States. And according to "three Democratic sources" Obama is not going to let the day pass quietly.

According to CNN, Obama will most likely use the anniversary of Roe v. Wade to reverse a Ronald Reagan policy reinstated by Bush in 2001 that "prohibits U.S. money from funding international family planning groups that promote abortion or provide information, counseling or referrals about abortion services. It bans any organization receiving family planning funds from the U.S. Agency for International Development from offering abortions or abortion counseling." You may know the "Mexico City Policy" as "the Global Gag Rule."

Clinton reversed the policy shortly after taking office in 1993 and Bush, of course, reinstated it on the 28th anniversary of Roe v. Wade.

[CNN: Sources: Obama may quickly reverse abortion policy]

Send Flowers to Your Abortion Doctor

Commemorating the Right to Choose: Canada's Morgentaler Decision

Caption This: Bill and Hillary Ring in the New Year

Emily Farris — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 15:51:00 GMT

[Image]

House Party 2! Is Bill Headed Back to the Future II (Too)?

Scanner Matt — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 18:49:00 GMT

I apologize for the lame sequel references, but these movies did come about just around the time Bill Clinton started strategizing for the presidency.

In a recent interview Bill Clinton hinted at a position for himself in Barack Obama's cabinet. We highly doubt Obama would let this happen, but sometimes there is no resisting Slick Willy's hypnotic charm.

As we all know Hillary Clinton is in, and has accepted the position of Secretary of State in the Obama White House, but what's Bill doing these days? He claims, "I'll just try to be a helpful sounding board to her, but I don't think I'll do any more than that," as he told CNN on a trip to Hong Kong.

He spoke about what a tough decision it was for Hillary to leave the Senate (or more likely her original strategy for running in 2012) and the challenges she will face as the new SOS.

But this man works in mysterious ways. He did say he would just hang back unless (UNLESS... UNLESSS... ) Obama "asks me to do something specific, which I'm neither looking for nor closed to."

He's open. All you have to do is say the word, Obama, and the Wonder Twins will activate.

As Doc says to Marty in Back to the Future II, "Be careful around that Griff character. He's got a few short circuits in his bionic implants."

Related:

Presidents Who Smoke: A Photo History

**Bush: "People Voted For Barack Obama Because of Me" No sh*t!**

Is this guy the Barack Obama of the GOP? Um, no.

Photo/Weblogs

Report: Obama Picks The First-Ever Black Attorney General

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 20:33:00 GMT

Newsweek's blog claims that the Barack Obama transition team has made a choice for Attorney General that, if true, is not only a big surprise but an historical choice similar voters made in picking their President...

The man's name is Eric Holder, and he is an African-American lawyer-- who has learned the ropes of-- yup-- Washington, DC.

President-elect Obama has decided to tap Eric Holder as his attorney general, putting the veteran Washington lawyer in place to become the first African-American to head the Justice Department, according to two legal sources close to the presidential transition.
Holder, who served as deputy attorney general during the Clinton administration, still has to undergo a formal “vetting” review by the Obama transition team before the selection is final and is publicly announced, said one of the sources, who asked not to be identified talking about the transition process. But in the discussions over the past few days, Obama offered Holder the job and he accepted, the source said. The announcement is not likely until after Obama announces his choices to lead the Treasury and State departments.

By the way, the reason you aren't hearing about this anywhere else yet is because the decision is not final. Holder has yet to formally accept a full vetting, which he will likely agree to. But there are reasons to believe this is true: Holder was, again, Deputy Attorney General, served on Obama's VP-selection team, and ironically, Holder has actually been Attorney General of the United States, albeit an acting one: in 2001, while the Senate debated the disastrous appointment of John Ashcroft, Holder continued to serve President George W. Bush.

Meanwhile, members of the Obama transition team are still mulling the possible appointment of Hillary Clinton to be Secretary of State. They have to ask themselves whether Bill Cinton's financial dealings with foreign governments and hands-on approach to his wife's career could steal the future President's thunder. All signs point to Obama overruling these objections and nominating the Senator.

Who Will Be Time's Person of the Year?

While You Were Sleeping: Sarah Palin Likes Short Shorts

Who is GQ's Man of the Year? (File Under: Duh)

While You Were Sleeping: Barack Obama's Big Move

While You Were Sleeping: Sarah Palin Likes Short Shorts

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 14:08:00 GMT

Academy Awards season started up with the shortlisting of 15 feature documentaries, which includes "Man on a Wire" and films by Werner Herzog and Errol Morris. We're rooting for Encounters At the End of the World.

The lead singer of the Vines is battling the effects of his autism and the band has canceled all their upcoming shows.

There will be a female Secretary of State after all: According to the Guardian, Hillary Clinton was offered and has accepted the Secretary of State cabinet post, which opens up a whole new can of worms, not to mention a Senate seat in our current state of residence.

Hillary Clinton plans to accept the job of secretary of state offered by Barack Obama, who is reaching out to former rivals to build a broad coalition administration, the Guardian has learned.
Obama's advisers have begun looking into Bill Clinton's foundation, which distributes millions of dollars to Africa to help with development, to ensure that there is no conflict of interest. But Democrats do not believe that the vetting is likely to be a problem.
Clinton would be well placed to become the country's dominant voice in foreign affairs, replacing Condoleezza Rice. Since being elected senator for New York, she has specialised in foreign affairs and defence. Although she supported the war in Iraq, she and Obama basically agree on a withdrawal of American troops.

The New York Times Arts and Leisure Weekend may be awesome enough for you to make a trip here: Keith Olbermann, Lewis Black, Patti Smith, Salman Rushdie, the cast of The Closer, and a rumored appearance by Tom Cruise caught our attention..

Here's why we're the biggest nerds: the first thing we notice about these photos, taken of Sarah Palin (allegedly) boozing it up at a Miami hotel, isn't those short shorts, but the copy of USA Today in her hand. Sarah! USA Today is not hard to remember-- how come you couldn't name that as a newspaper you actually read?

More photos here.

Related:

Hot Teacher Caught After Three-Year Affair With Female Student

20-Year-Old Teacher Strips For Her Students... On Video

Sloppy Seconds: Photos of New Planets, Yay!

While You Were Sleeping: Nude Photo Hoax

Sloppy Seconds: Blake-Fielder Civil Escapes (More) Prison (Time)

Sloppy Seconds: The Craigslist Crackdown on Hookers

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 07 Nov 2008 21:53:00 GMT

The awesome sounding Ghostbusters game, featuring the original cast and creators, will be out in 2009, thanks to Atari, who rescued the franchise.

A heartbreaking post from a lesbian mom in California is here. Madonna, meanwhile, attacked Prop 8 in an LA concert and had Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake perform live with her, albeit at separate times.

A male major in the Japanese air force was busted for shopping for women's underwear... while naked.

Kanye West broke his media silence to give an interview in Singapore about what the Beatles mean to him.

Race was not a factor in the election in West Virginia. Take that, Bill Clinton!

Samantha Who star Christina Applegate will undergo reconstructive surgery following her double mastectomy.

Michelle Monaghan gave birth to a wee lil' gal.

And Craigslist will no charge $10 per erotic service ad, in an apparent attempt to crush the human trafficking that's been going on there.

The Giant Penis Is Watching Over You

Sloppy Seconds: The Grey's Anatomy Lesbian Controversy

While You Were Sleeping: The Naked Mannequin Orgy

And You Thought Bill Clinton Was A Sex-Crazed Politician...

Get Up, Get Out and Do Something

Emily Farris — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 15:05:00 GMT

Here's the dilly-o: It's election day. I'm in Missouri. Do you think I'm really going to sit in front of my computer and write about Britney Spears' vagina and Pete Wentz's penis? Fuck no. I'm going to hit the pavement in my homestate (and possibly soon to be home) of Missouri for Obama. Scanner Brian has a live thread going, at least until the Secret Service detains him, and I'll try to call in a few updates from the ground in Missouri. Needless to say, Scanner is going to be Scanner lite today. But you're probably not even sitting in front of your computer. You're calling your friends in swing states, making sure they'll vote, or maybe you're watching porn on VHS or DVD to remind yourself of a time when we had a Democratic president.

Whatever you do, get off your ass and vote. And then find someone to have victory sex with.

And You Thought Bill Clinton Was A Sex-Crazed Politician...

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 31 Oct 2008 13:52:00 GMT

As part of our continuing obsession with Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi('s sex life), we present highlights from the extended New Yorker profile of the high-profile cheater.

There won't be any juicier gossip in your news all day, even if Paris Hilton gets donkey punched by Brad Pitt...

Berlusconi, in his undeniably fascist approach to government, is only remotely concerned with his philandering, bribery, corruption, and other crimes. It makes for uncomfortable and even disturbing reading, although mighty juicy!

Here are a few highlights:

having survived some seventeen criminal trials without ultimately being convicted.
an enormous casting couch that Berlusconi used to grant favors to aspiring actresses and to try to bring down the government
does little to hide the fact that he has had a face-lift and hair transplants
a dodering septuagenarian addicted to penis pumps and mysterious injections; supports like to paint him as a tireless Don Juan, capable of satisfying two or three women at once
[a comedian said about Mara Carfagna, a close associate and rumored lover of Berlusconi's] "You can't make someone Minister of Equl Opportunity just because she's sucked your cock!"
does little to hide the fact that he has had a face-lift and hair transplants
[Carfagna] has undergone a major makeover since her days on television, when she favored short skirts.... "They've seen my ass even in Germany" [is a popular online video about featuring Carfagna in her showgirl days]
[Berlusconi to Carfagna] "If I weren't already married, I'd marry you!" [he said at a public event, which led to a tabloid-crazed spat with Mrs. Berlusconi, Veronica Lario]
[A note passed to Berlusconi during a session of Parliament, which Berlusconi controls with the same amount of unchecked power as Vladimir Putin or, worse yet, Joseph Stalin]: "Dear [President], we accept romantic appointments only from you."

We'd reveal more, but we want you to enjoy the New Yorker article for yourself. See the Nov. 3 issue for the rest.

Related:

Italian Model's Virginity For Sale (And For Only $1.5 Million!)

There She Is... The World's Most Beautiful Nun

Italian Prime Minister Hides--a Breast of--the Naked Truth Behind His Big Fat Head

Italy's Prime Minister Accused of "Pimping Out" Young Starlets

While You Were Sleeping: The Scientologists Planned Their Invasion of New York

Check Out The Top 10 Topless Socialists

Top 5 Sexiest Celebrity Costumes

Playboy's Presidential Sex Quiz A Welcome Distraction From Boring Obama Stories

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 18:40:00 GMT

The first U.S. president known to have been caught cheating on his wife was James Garfield. After finding out about the smutty letters he had written to an 18 year-old New York woman named Calhoun, his wife accused him of:

A. “abusing the executive privilege”
B. “sloppy penmanship, atrocious grammar and poor syntax”
C. “lawless passion”
D. “getting jiggy with that tenement trash”

And so it begins, Playboy's excellent time-waster on sex and the Presidents of the United States... find out the answer to this and several other quiz questions, after the jump...

TMI, Gennifer, TMI! Oh wait, this is William J. Clinton we're talking about here... do continue...

“I’ve had more women by accident than he’s had on purpose.”

A. George W. Bush about his dad
B. George H.W. Bush about his son
C. Lyndon Johnson about JFK
D. Franklin D. Roosevelt about Hitler

“Are you prepared for the storm of lovemaking with which you will be assailed?”

A. Martin Van Buren to a stranger in the next toilet stall
B. John F. Kennedy to Marilyn Monroe
C. Woodrow Wilson to Ellen Wilson
D. George Washington to Martha Washington

Check out the rest here... and let us know how you did... and by the way, if you didn't know the identity of the President rumored to have a four-year gay relationship (Abraham Lincoln), we don't even know what to say...

Let's Take A Look-See At The Ol' Electoral Map...

While You Were Sleeping: Posing Nude For Fun Or Charity

Hey Rev. Jeremiah Wright: Your Sex Scandal Is Not Helping

Swedish Hockey Fans Bombard Player With Dildo Parade

The John Edwards Affair And Love Child Scandal: The Sequel

SNL's Attempt at Barack and Michelle Obama: FAIL

Emily Farris — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 18:37:00 GMT

When we first heard that Maya Rudolph would play Michelle Obama on Saturday Night Live, we got got pretty excited. Not as excited as we did when we knew Sarah Palin would make an appearance (we actually went home to watch the entire episode), but excited enough (we looked it up online).

Unfortunately, Maya Rudolph and Fred Armisen failed to evoke their subjects and while the skit was centered around the Obama campaign playing it safe, it appears the SNL writers were playing it safe—or were just plain lazy— and refused to use anything even remotely negative they had on the Democratic candidate for satire. But hello? Ashley Todd????

A shame after what a good job they've been doing with Sarah Palin. Not that we're not guilty of the same thing here at Scanner.

As usual, Kristen Wiig was funny...

Related:

Crush of the Week: Adele

Video of the Day: SNL "Annuale" Skit You Missed While Busy Changing Your Tampon

"Vote in the Box" Not Nearly as Funny as "D*ck in a Box" But Still Warms Our Hearts

Sloppy Seconds: Crazy McCain Volunteer Was Not Marked With a "B" (At Least Not by an Obama Supporter)

Kristen Wiig May Never Get Her Chance to Play Sarah Palin

Live from New York: Fey and Poehler do Palin and Clinton

You Know, You Look Just Like...

Emily Farris — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 17:52:00 GMT

Apparently, I have "one of those faces." Or so everyone likes to tell me. People I meet always tell me I look like someone. Strangely, more than a few people have told me I look like their best friend from elementary school (does that mean I have a baby face?) but most often, there are the celebrity comparisons. They have changed over the years, with my hair color and weight fluctuations. While they started as not so bad, there were a few years in there when I wanted to scream, and lately I've been really happy when someone says, "You know, you look a lot like...."

From about age 8 to 14, I had long, straight dirty blonde hair. I parted it down the middle and wore baggy t-shirts. I was always told I looked like Veda, from "My Girl," played by Anna Chlumsky.

As I got older, and a little fatter, a certain intern was sleeping with a president. So, especially considering I wore too much make-up at the time, it took me a few years to live down "a blonde Monica Lewinsky."

When I moved to New York at 18, I lost the hair and kept the weight. "The Osbournes" was incredibly popular on MTV and a comparison to Kelly was inevitable... and painful.

Eventually, I let my hair grow out, lost some weight and stopped wearing so much make-up. At that point, I had (and believe me, I counted) four people (including my chiropractor) told me I looked like Scarlett Johansson. I still treasure this comparison, and though don't see it, I'll take it!

Now that "Mad Men" is so popular, and I've taken to wearing red lipstick again I hear "Joan from Mad Men" (played by Christina Hendricks) at least twice a week. I'm obviously very okay with this comparison. But it's amazing what a hair style, the right make-up and a few pounds will do. I don't think I actually look(ed) like any of these people... well, except maybe Veda. Even I saw that one.

Who do you look like? Or who have you looked like over the years? The good, the bad and the ugly. Bring it.

CNN Discovers Why Men Cheat (Gasp! It's About Their Feelings)

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 14:50:00 GMT

Second only to the New York Times for being last to figure out what's going on Planet Earth, the Cable News Network is not exactly known for breaking cultural news or actually telling us anything we don't already know. So it's no surprise that they've taken to publishing Oprah.com's columns on their website in lieu of doing their own fact-finding...

...and the results are predictable.

Among the shock revelations:

"It's not about blaming the wife. It can't be. I mean, cheating is ridiculous. It's wrong. And you can't justify it,"

Okay so far...

What's the number one reason men cheat? Ninety-two percent of men said it wasn't primarily about the sex.
"The majority said it was an emotional disconnection, specifically a sense of feeling underappreciated. A lack of thoughtful gestures..."

Like BJ's and letting him film your threesome.

Josh says he cheated on his wife, Jennifer, because he felt underappreciated at home and started feeling insecure. "That insecurity was really the catalyst," he says. "I didn't feel comfortable going to the one person in the world I should be going to, which is my wife."

We're sorry, but you were insecure? And Oprah is letting this guy get a free ride?! We're sorely disappointed.

Men have a winning mentality.

Except when they're cheating losers.

"Does he have ownership in the team? It looks like that. But as long as they're in the game, even to the very end, they'll watch. Once it's a blowout and they know their team can't win, television goes off. And what a lot of men will say to me through this research is, 'I just felt like I couldn't win.'"

A sports metaphor for talking about men? Please, go on for a few more paragraphs like this, it isn't tiresome or cliche at all...

For the first five years of his marriage, AJ says things were rocky with his wife, Janet. "We got to the point where we were really living in separate parts of the house. I went downstairs every time I came home from work..."

The Oprah guru goes on to say AJ eventually cheated on his wife. Honestly, we're not sure the word "cheated" is appropriate, though technically correct, in this case. You were living in separate wings of the house? Unless AJ is a cover for "William J. Clinton," we're pretty sure this guy's marriage was going to end anyway...

But maybe you have a different opinion. Hating on CNN and this stupid story? Not debatable, sorry.

Via CNN Living.

Related:

While You Were Sleeping: Mike Myers Is An Inglorious Bastard

This Week In Gayness: Guys Making Out On CNN

CNN Hasn't Been Getting Many Second Dates

Ladies, If You're Not In The Mood, CNN Is Here To Save You...

The Veep Deba(cle): Why Everybody Loses

Sloppy Seconds: Demi Moore And Her Boob Squirt

While You Were Sleeping: Colbert '08 Is On Again

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 13:08:00 GMT

Bruce Springsteen is playing the Super Bowl, a free show for Obama in Philly on Saturday, and a show with Billy Joel in New York next month.

Paris Hilton's new song "My BFF" has been called a "musical abortion."

A teenager was named prom king, coaches ice hockey, gets good grades, and works a steady job. The news here? He has down syndrome.

Megan Fox is... a man with a vagina. We're not against that.

Megan Fox reckons she will be the perfect wife because she is just like a man – except she has a vagina. [Entertainment Wise]

Stephen Colbert is running for the White House again... this time in comic book form.

As a joke, Colbert had tried but failed to get on both the Democratic and Republican presidential primary ballots in his home state of South Carolina. The consolation prize is a fictional appearance as a major candidate on a make-believe ticket in Spider-Man's world.

The Game isn't going to jail.

The case against OJ Simpson is going to the jury. Wonder if they'll get it right this time...

And Bill Clinton is finally helping out with the Obama campaign. And this time, his "helping" is actually legitimately helping.

Related:

Arkansas Televangelist Busted For Child Sex Acts

Who Would You Rather: Megan Fox vs. Gemma Arterton?

Top 10 Celebrities Who Are Probably Cool In Real Life

Naked Women of Curling... 2008!

Sloppy Seconds: Pete Wentz Puts His Money Where His Penis is Not

Crush of the Week: Kate Middleton, Rollerskating Queen

It's Friday, And There's Just Too Much Good Stuff To Squeeze It All In

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 20:10:00 GMT

We're busy getting ready for the debate tonight... stocking our liquor cabinets, preparing pancakes, you know, the usual...

We don't have time to tell you all about the other amazing stories going on in the world right now. The stories that involve Sacha Baron Cohen's invasion of an Italian fashion show... Wonkette's most hilarious debate watch party drinking game... Johnny Cash's beyond-the-grave meditation on freedom... and much more...

But we'll give you a varrry nice taste...

Sacha Baron Cohen's Bruno crashed the Iceberg show in Milan and walked the runway in that hilarious outfit. He was soon escorted out, but not before footage was captured for his totally ridonkulous new movie film... [Telegraph]

People Magazine released a beautiful and preachy recording of Johnny Cash reciting "I Am the Nation."

Fark has video of the first 1992 VP debate, which is apparently going to be somehow similar to this evening's Presidential battle. Meanwhile, Wonkette's drinking game for tonight is the greatest thing they've ever come up with.

A press report indicates the McCain campaign is in utter "chaos" following McCain's decision to suddenly fly to the site of the debate.

And a candidate for governor of Bangkok has pulled a McCain and suspended her electorial fight after her campaign manager drowned during a publicity stunt. The campaign manager was swimming in a canal with the candidate call attention to the area's unsafe drinking water when he began flailing his arms. TV cameras and onlookers assumed the worker was goofing off and didn't rush to help until after he had long since disappeared. The campaign manager, by the way, has a seven-months-pregnant wife. Damn.

That is all.

Borat Make New Movie Film For You!

Is Jessica Simpson Headed for a Life of Bad Clothes and TV Dinners?

McCain Sabotages His Own Attempt To Save The Nation

Which Candidate Spends More on Make-Up Than We Do On Shoes?

BREAKING: John McCain Suspends His Campaign

Arkansas Televangelist Busted For Child Sex Acts

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 15:12:00 GMT

The leader of a Jonestown-like cult, who once served four years in prison for tax evasion, is in jail again today after being arrested for transporting minors across state lines for sexual purposes. (Warren Jeffs, you've got a friend.)

Tony Alamo, who was celebrating his 74th birthday when the cops stormed his hotel room, who got his start on the streets of L.A. in the late 60s, is believed to have filmed and/or molested a series of underage women on videotape, one of which came forward to accuse him this week. The Feds also removed a group of 10 to 17 year old women from the Alamo ministries headquarters. Alamo, by the way, has said the age of consent is "puberty."

The Southern Poverty Law Center, which tracks hate groups, describes the ministry as a cult. Alamo's church rails against homosexuals, Roman Catholics and the government, and Alamo has preached that girls are fit for marriage once they are sexually mature.

"Consent is puberty," he said in an interview with The Associated Press last week from a telephone registered in the Los Angeles area while agents raided the compound. He denied any involvement with pornography.

The rest of the highlights:

1) When Alamo's wife Susan died, he left her body out for six months so mourners could pray for the resurrection he promised them.

2) Bill Clinton wrote in his autobiography that Alamo got involved with a young lady shortly after his wife's death. "Lo and behold, God spoke to him again and told him Susan wasn't coming back after all, so he took her out of the glass box and buried her."

3) Alamo's real name is Bernie Lazar Hoffman. Yep, he was born Jewish.

Via AP.

Related:

While You Were Sleeping: McCain Checked Palin Out Again

Boy Catches Teacher Jerking Off... On The Teacher's Porch

Scanner Controversy: We Asked For It This Time...

You Know Your Wedding Was A Blast When You Were Both Tasered... Twice

Woman Busted For Videotaping Her Underage Sex Crime

Top 10 Celebrities Who Are Probably Cool In Real Life

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 23 Sep 2008 19:21:00 GMT

Feel free to weigh in and add your own... especially if you can correct (or add) based on personal experience...

10. Neil Young-- because of-- or in spite of-- the fact that he is obsessed with model trains

9. Heidi Klum-- showing us her ass bruise yesterday is what got us thinking about this list in the first place

8. Anthony Bourdain-- the only man who works in a kitchen that we probably couldn't take in a fight... but he wouldn't start one with us... because he's cool like that

7. Simon Cowell-- once he steps out of character, he might be a pretty good wingman... same with Ryan Seacrest (just kidding!)

6. Elvis Costello-- if you've seen him in concert recently, you know he still has the same energy and kickass attitude that seemed so fresh in 1976

5. Bill Clinton-- unless, of course, you have a busty blond with you, hanging out with Bill Clinton is rumored to be a great time, where dirty jokes are always welcome... as long as they don't involve "interns"

4. David Bowie-- then again, David Bowie could sneer at us and it would kind of awesome

3. Wanda Sykes-- now here's somebody who you actually wouldn't mind it if she were "on" all the damn time

2. The dudes from Flight of the Conchords

1. Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert (tie)-- this we know from reliably sources... and, because, if they weren't cool in real life, it would break out poor widdle liberal hearts...

Also, a good way to tell if a celebrity might be an all right person in real life is to scan through this page of stories from waiters all over the country. They weight on whether a celebrity was a great tipper (Bill Murray, Joe Pesci, Stevie Nicks) or one who ordered "many bottles of wine" and still stiffed the help (Don Henley, big surprise.)

Related:

Sloppy Seconds: What Did Tina Fey Lose at the Emmys?

John Mayer And TMZ Make A Funny Video: "Do You Love Celebrities? I Sure Have."

What Celebrities Would Look Like if They Moved to Missouri

11 Celebrities at Their Poignantly Drunkest

Sloppy Seconds: Woman Who Delivered Baby In Car For VP?

While You Were Sleeping: Posing Nude For Fun Or Charity

While You Were Sleeping: Olympic Mania

The Top 5 Hottest Female Politicians

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 10 Sep 2008 20:06:00 GMT

Ever see those obnoxious ads in your Gmail for inside info about Bill Clinton and the above woman?

Maxim just released its list of the Top 10 Hottest (Female) Politicians, which is missing a few that we thought of off the top of our heads...

5. Kirsten Gillibrand, Congresswoman From New York State

4. Cristina Ferndez de Kirchner, President of Argentina (All right, yes, we only included her because of this picture...)

3. Yulia Tymoshenko, Prime Minister of Ukraine

2. Freya van den Bossche, former Deputy Prime Minister of Belgium

1. Belinda Stronach, Member of Canada's Parliament

Here's Maxim's list, which admittedly has a few ladies we wish we could use... for our purposes here, that is...

Related:

Check Out The Top 10 Topless Socialists

Carla Bruni Sings Of Sex With 30 Men

What'll Happen To Sarah Palin?

Women Get Away With Affairs Because of Their Expert Lying, Says Woman Who Got Away With An Affair With Future British Prime Minister

Caption This: Sarah Palin's Stilettos

Emily Farris — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 16:18:00 GMT

Our wordless caption after the jump.

Palin Image

Clinton image via New York Times.

Why Did Jesse Jackson Attack Obama?

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 14:16:00 GMT

Why did Jesse Jackson break the rules that you don't attack your party's nominee with a nasty remark about Barack Obama?

Turns out, he was merely venting during a commercial interruption that he thought wasn't being broadcast/recorded.

During a break from taping "Fox & Friends" on Sunday, a fellow guest asked Jackson about speeches on morality Obama has given at black churches. Jackson said at a news conference Wednesday that he responded that Obama's speeches can come off as speaking down to black people and that there were other important issues to be addressed, such as unemployment, the mortgage crisis and the number of blacks in prison.
In September, The State newspaper in South Carolina reported that Jackson had said Obama was "acting like he's white" in his response to the arrest of six black juveniles in Jena, La. Jackson disputed the quote.

While we agreed that Obama should have shown more guts during the days of the Jena Six, we know that Obama isn't going to make everyone happy. There will always be people who want him to do everything for the country and do it all at once. This is unrealistic-- he only has so much time to win over middle-class voters, the centrists who make up "the swing vote." He can't spend all his time talking about one group's problems or what he will do for that one group while in office. Jackson, who would've never made these comments on the record, knows this-- he immediately apologized and pledged his continuing, unwavering support for Obama '08.

The real question is whether this division in the black community will come to the surface-- will more prominent members accuse Obama of "talking white," etc., and turn off previously energized African-Americans? Most pundits argue that it's actually Jackson that looks bad, whereas Obama comes off like a weird cousin of Bill Clinton following Clinton's attacks on Sistah Souljah:

"It will, be damaging to Jesse Jackson, particularly among African-American who are not going to forget what he said. Barack Obama is a unique figure; he is an African-American candidate for president. But he doesn't come out of the civil rights movement like Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton. There could be some resentment because of that. Maybe they feel he should be more deferential to them, pay more respect to his elders" [CNN]

Via Hotline on Call and the AP.

Guess Which US President Is Getting a Sewage Treatment Plant Named After Him...

Nicole Pasulka — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 16:16:00 GMT

Hint: It's not Bill Clinton.

That's right, there's a campaign in San Francisco to rename the Oceanside Water Pollution Control Plant after George W. Bush when he leaves office. A group called the Presidential Memorial Committee of San Francisco is circulating a petition to have the issue voted on during November elections. The fact that people have taken the time to collect 12,00 signatures supporting this name change is a perfect reason to both love and hate San Francisco. But it seems like the treatment plant will be more socially and environmentally beneficial than its namesake ever was.

Billionaire Pervert Turns Himself In To Face Jail, Butt Sex

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 14:25:00 GMT

Jeffrey Epstein, convicted of soliciting underage girls for sex in his Florida pleasure palace, started his 18 month jail sentence this week. A look at what brought down one of the country's richest men, who owns Manhattan's largest town house, and who, until Monday, was holed up at a tropical paradise known as Xanadu.

It is a stunning downfall for Mr. Epstein, who grew up in Coney Island and went on to live the life of a billionaire, only to become a tabloid monument to an age of hyperwealth. Mr. Epstein owns a Boeing 727 and the largest town house in Manhattan. He has paid for college educations for personal employees and students from Rwanda, and spent millions on a project to develop a thinking and feeling computer and on music intended to alleviate depression.

His crime? This friend of President Clinton's liked massages with happy endings. The happy endings were, of course, provided by teenage girls. (He paid the fourteen-year-old who ended up turning him in a sum of $200 for her services.)

Using his big connections (Ken Starr and Alan Dershowitz were both on his team), Epstein at first seemed to avoid jail time. But an attorney for the government's office in Miami wasn't having it, insisting that Epstein not buy his way out of jail like so many of the rich can do.

Now, Epstein's e-mail autoresponse says he's "on vacation." The future registered sex offender will, in a year and a half, return to Xanadu, where a new estate is being built for him.

The villa will occupy the island’s promontory, which offers views of the Atlantic on one side and the Caribbean on the other. It will have a separate library to house Mr. Epstein’s 90,000 volumes, a Japanese bathhouse and what he calls a “Ziegfeld” movie theater.
For now, however, those visions of a private paradise have been replaced by the cold reality of a jail cell.

Via the New York Times.

Bill Clinton To Obama: Kiss My Ass

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 14:00:00 GMT

Will Democratic disunity fade away or continue through Election Day, November 4th?

Bill Clinton, the sexiest, angriest President alive, allegedly told one of his advisors that...

Obama could "kiss my ass" in return for his support.

Whether he said those exact words or not is beside the point. Democrats have got to be worried about Clinton's silence following his wife's opponent's win-- without Clinton's full-fledged support, particularly during the convention, Obama will have an even harder road ahead than he already has. And with Bill Clinton's well-disclosed temper, he's not likely to easily accept defeat, put on a gracious smile, and give 100% to the campaign.

The Telegraph has learned that the former president's rage is still so great that even loyal allies are shocked by his patronising attitude to Mr Obama, and believe that he risks damaging his own reputation by his intransigence.

To be continued on that... but meanwhile, many voters are still upset with Hillary's loss and have taken to blogs and other sites to attack Obama. We always welcome deserved barbs that sting any politician, but we haven't seen anything out there that sticks-- for example, most remarks we saw were attacking the DNC for the Florida debacle, which made no difference in Obama's eventual victory anyway, not attacks on specific issues or comments Obama has made.

What is it about Obama that Clinton supporters who have gone to McCain (or are now uncommitted) don't like?

Via Telegraph.