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Scanner Highs and Lows: This Will Not Be Filled With News About Sarah Palin

2008-09-05T22:05:00Z

Seriously. There is very little Sarah Palin news in here. Promise.

Highs:

Scanner Emily returned from summer camp, though she had a hard time readjusting.

The D.C. Madam may be back in our lives.

Gay weddings in California prisons. Awesome. Um, rght?

Boobs. Bowling. You get the picture.

We still love Michael McDonald, possibly because he looks like our dad. Eek.

We rocked, and rolled in Joanna Angel's butthole.

Whether they were fake or not: Sarah Palin nude photos.

Lows:

We tried to start some rumors about Palin, but failed. Miserably.

We're still trying to decide if it's a good or bad thing that you'd rather sleep with Britney Spears than Palin.

Maybe that will help boost Brit's confidence for her appearance at the VMA's this weekend.

We went to the RNC (Day 1, Day 2, Day 3) and took some pictures.

Movie preview voice guy, Don LaFontaine, died.

Kids with guns. Never a good thing. Ever.

Sloppy Seconds: Palin on Oprah, Will She or Won't She?

2008-09-05T21:26:00Z

~~Mary~~ Nancy Wilson of Heart feels "completely fucked over" after the Republicans used the band's Barracuda as a theme song for Sarah Palin during the RNC. Wilson's sister and bandmate, Ann, chimed in: "Sarah Palin’s views and values in NO WAY represent us as American women. We ask that our song ‘Barracuda’ no longer be used to promote her image. The song ‘Barracuda’ was written in the late 70s as a scathing rant against the soulless, corporate nature of the music business, particularly for women." [Wonkette]

That's no matter, because John McCain's RNC speech had 500,000 more viewers than Obama's. Okay, so it's a difference of 38.4 million viewers (Obama) to 38.8 million viewers, but we all know what difference half a million votes can make (not that everyone who watched the RNC will vote for McCain). [Huffington Post]

Is this scary-ass Barbie doll really worth $100,000? Apparently so. [The Sun]

Um, if you're going to ride a mechanical bull, you might get hurt. Apparently there should be some kind-of waiver for this. [Daily News]

We're having a hard time believing that the 24 most eye-catching American Apparel ads couldn't have made it all the way to 25. [Debonair]

Vince Young's sausage taste's great. [Deadspin]

Oprah has made it clear that she has no intention of having Sarah Palin on her show, at least until after the election is over (which, honestly, we think is kind-of shitty... Oprah could at least give Palin the James Frey treatment). But, we get where she's coming from: "At the beginning of this presidential campaign when I decided that I was going to take my first public stance in support of a candidate, I made the decision not to use my show as a platform for any of the candidates," Winfrey, who was an early backer of Barack Obama, says in a statement to TMZ.com. "I agree that Sarah Palin would be a fantastic interview, and I would love to have her on after the campaign is over," she adds. "There has been absolutely no discussion about having Sarah Palin on my show." [Us]

Sarah "Pitbull With Lipstick" Palin Photoshop Contest

2008-09-05T20:49:00Z

"What's the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull?" Sarah Palin asked at the RNC. "Lipstick." We disagree; she's more of a Spaniel or a Terrier, but nevertheless, this inspired the design geeks here at Nerve to put together this Pitbull With Lipstick image.

Our first thought: this is really sexist. Our second thought: this is really ugly. Our third thought: as much as we hate to admit it, this is kind-of hilarious, but they could have made her look a little prettier.

If you think you can do better, and perhaps paint Ms. Palin's Pitbull in a more flattering light, send your Photoshopped images to scanner@nerve.com. We'll post the best ones for you to vote on next week and the winner will get something good. Perhaps a spanking from Scanner Brian?

Ow, My Eyes! "Ann Coulter Lite" Is Anti-Everything We Hold Awesome

2008-09-05T20:22:00Z

Ashley Herzog is a college student at Ohio University and a blogger for Town Hall, one of the last bastions of conservatism in a medium overrun by liberal outlets like the New York Post, the Washington Times, the Utah Herald Journal, and, of course, those Commie pinko queers at Fox News.

Herzog is atypical of college students-- and we mean besides the fact that she doesn't support lowering the drinking age to 18 (or 12, as we've always favored.) Here's part of her recent post about Back To School stuff:

When school starts in the fall, many college students will be paying exorbitant tuition to universities that offer a silver platter of worthless courses: classes in Marxism, prostitution (Sociology of the Sex Industry is all the rage), “queer theory,” pornography, and rock and rap music. While some of these classes are easy to spot as non-educational, others masquerade under legitimate-sounding names in mainstream academic departments.
As an Ohio University senior who has sat through plenty of college junk courses—many of which were required for graduation—I’ve compiled a list classes for incoming freshmen to avoid.

Well, we're pretty sure classes in Marxism, prostitution (Sociology of the Sex Industry is all the rage), “queer theory,” pornography, and rock and rap music were not required, you nitwit. And we're pretty sure even a liberal warhorse like, um, Ohio University has one or two classes up your conservative alley.

So, what are those classes we thinking people should avoid, Ash?

Don’t register for English classes that revolve around the writings of some allegedly oppressed group, such as “Gay and Lesbian Literature” or “Women and Writing.” These classes typically have nothing to do with great, or even good, literature.
Avoid classes that teach American history not as it actually happened, but as the professor thinks it should have happened. Check out the required texts before registering. If the professor uses books like Howard Zinn’s A People’s History of the United States (which claims that American leaders orchestrated the Civil War to halt the impending socialist revolution), don’t waste your money

Well, having read that book we can say the reason you're upset with it is because it doesn't present the world the way the conservative movement would like to see it. And sorry, Ashley, but sometimes that's the way things go...

Read the rest of her Drudge Report audition here. PS: The "Ow, My Eyes" thing refers to not her looks but her words.

New Zealand Party Poopers Move To Shut Down "Boobs On Bikes" Parade

David Vitter: "Thank Christ You Forgot About Me"

This Week In Gayness: Doctors Shocked To Learn They Can't Reject Gay Patients

Today in WTF: K-Mart Abstinence Pants

Scotsman Can Tell What Your Orgasms Are Like Just By Staring At You

2008-09-05T19:46:00Z

In what history will probably reveal is the most perverted study ever conducted by a major European university, researchers from the University of the West of Scotland (eh, probably not that major) went to Belgium to see if they could tell what a woman's orgasms were like just by looking at them...

And by "looking at them," we mean "a lot more than just sat around and used their eyes..."

1) The women they used were all Belgian university students. Pervs.

2) The women were asked about their sex lives and then videotaped (from the bushes, perhaps?) walking down the street. Pervs.

3) They had female sexologists (presumably hot professors with glasses and lab coats) watch the tapes and take a guess whether the women could have vaginal orgasms. Pervs. (You know, girls talking about other girls getting off...)

Seriously, though, it turns out women can have orgasms. Wait, sorry, we meant: it turns out that the sexologists guessed correctly guessed 80% of the time as to whether the woman could have orgasms vaginally. Um, no offense guys, but we're pretty sure if we said yes a bunch of times and no a bunch of times, we'd be correct about that much of the time. Or maybe not... after all, not as many women can have vaginal orgasms as you may think...

The study, published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine, found that trained sexologists were able to correctly infer vaginal orgasm more than 80 percent of the time by watching the way the women walked. Further analysis revealed that the sum of stride length and vertebral rotation was greater for the vaginally orgasmic women.

"This could reflect the free, unblocked energetic flow from the legs through the pelvis to the spine," the authors note.

A woman's anatomical features may predispose her to greater or lesser tendency to experience vaginal orgasm, the authors speculate.

We're sure you'll have jokes about how those Olympian speedwalkers must be great in bed... share them if you must.

Via UPI.

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75-Year-Old Granny Shows Teenage Strippers What A Real Act Looks Like

Olympian Alain Baxter Trying To Get Himself More, Um, Exposure

Because I Don't Wanna!

2008-09-05T19:13:00Z

Hey. Scanner Emily here. My blog reader isn't loading, which means I have absolutely no idea what's going on in the world. Because, God forbid, I actually go to a website. Plus, it's Friday (it is Friday, right?), and I'm ready for a drink. So I will take this opportunity to do what I do best when my blogging abilities are impaired: post pictures of LOL cats.

Cultural Clusterf*ck: Gossip Girl Meets 30 Rock

2008-09-05T18:42:00Z

In what will surely finally give 30 Rock the huge ratings boost it deserves, the NBC comedy series has announced a series of high profile guest stars, including Jennifer Aniston and Oprah Winfrey.

But what should really do it for them is this idea for a guest appearance, which is apparently confirmed by the producers...

How about the ladies of Gossip Girl showing up on MILF Island, as sort of "foils" for the MILFS? While that problem won't happen, Blake, Leighton, and possibly other players of uppity snots will show up at Rockefeller Center in some capacity:

Gossip Girl stars Blake Lively and Leighton Meester have reportedly signed a deal to guest-star on U.S. TV show 30 Rock.
The actresses, who play spoiled students in their hit TV series, will feature in a Gossip Girl-inspired flashback sequence on 30 Rock during main character Liz Lemon's 20-year high school reunion, according to Ew.com.
But fans of the programme will be in for a shock as the sequence will reveal geeky Lemon, who is played by the sitcom's creator Tina Fey, was actually a bullying teenager.

That isn't reall much of a twist-- we've already seen that Liz has a much crazier side that she wants us to believe... but either way, this should be a great third season, don't ya think?

Via IMDB.

Top 10 Celebrity Moms Who Could Be Hookers

"MILF Island" T-Shirt: 100% Cotton, 200% Irony

Sloppy Seconds: Is Jamie Lynn Spears a MILF?

Are All Florida Teachers Bonking Their Students?

Caption This: Monkey Love

2008-09-05T18:10:00Z

Real caption below...

A 7-year-old male monkey named Wukong (R) and a 6-year old female monkey named Xiaoya are seen during a special wedding ceremony at a zoo in Wenling, Zhejiang province, September 4, 2008. The zoo organised the special wedding ceremony hoping to attract more visitors, local media reported. REUTERS/Stringer

Armed Robber In Wheelchair Going To Have A Blast Tonight

2008-09-05T17:38:00Z

An armed man in a wheelchair robbed his local convenience store in Dallas the other night. (We know it's his local store because, as witnesses noted, he's in there "stealing" and bothering employees on a near-daily basis.)

But it's not the fact that he is in a wheelchair that makes this story so memorable... because, hey, the disabled can be criminals, too!

"All the elements of this offense are a little out of the ordinary. However, it was a robbery, because he was wielding that bat and actually swung toward the clerk," Dallas Police Department Sr. Cpl. Kevin Janse said. "And he hit the cash register several times."

Out of the ordinary is putting it mildly, Cap'n. What struck us most was what this guy thought it was necessary to incriminate himself for (as, again, everybody in the store knew who he was, so it's not like he could've expected to get away with the robbery):

The robber threatened the clerk before taking off with condoms and energy drinks, police said.

Energy drinks and condoms! All you need for your Friday night o' fun...

Via MyFox.

Related:

Today In WTF: 22-Year-Old Guy Robs A House... His Mom's House

Teenage Girls Flash, Fondle and Then Rob the Crap Out of British Men

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How Young Is Too Young?

Sloppy Seconds: Father-Daughter Love Child

Because That Gorilla Suit Was Just Collecting Dust in Your Closet

2008-09-05T17:05:00Z

The Great Gorilla Run will take place on Sept 27th in London. It's a 7km course where all runners are dressed as gorillas and the money goes to protecting mountain gorilla habitats in the wild. Sure beats getting your pants gored off by bulls in Spain.

"We Support George McCain For President"

2008-09-05T16:32:00Z

For our last post about the RNC (thank The Lord Jesus That Watches Over Conservatives for that!), we wanted to show you a video that we think summarizes the feelings on the floor of the entire convention. Those feelings, conveniently, can be melted down to one line: some Republicans are staunch in their support of Bush and McCain, while others just wanted America to forget about Junior...

This video is one in which I, Scanner Brian, must, in the interest of full disclosure, admit I was participant (I got Dennis Hastert to say how much he loved Bush and McCain and to take a sticker-- he was by far the nicest GOP power player we met in the Twin Cities.)

We recommend watching it on YouTube in high quality, but it's not important. Anyway, don't miss the ending, in which Senator Norm Coleman is asked what his feelings are on the Bush legacy:

Q: I just want to know how you feel about the last eight years of George Bush.
A: Well, uh... bleheelyelylelyelyylellelelalalelela... [not an exact transcription]

Also, although it's not in this video, the woman who puts the sticker on her forehead was ultimately completely unable to say why she supported Bush (or McCain) and, in fact, called her husband on camera to ask him for her talking points. ("He says we don't believe in wealth redistribution." Genius.)

Via YouTube.

Trojan Girls Try To Get Republicans To Wear, Learn Uses Of Condoms

Politics Is Makin' Everybody S' Crazy!

Our Crazy RNC Photo Essay

Sloppy Seconds: Levi Johnston's New Tattoo

RNC Day Two: Eloquence No Substitution For A Record... Of Temper Tantrums

RNC Day One: Total Anarchy

Top 5 Rumors We'd Like to Start About Sarah Palin... But Won't

2008-09-05T15:58:00Z

After all the Sarah Palin rumor mongering that swept the blogosphere—and then the mainstream media—in the last week, we got a little scared by how easy it would be to start a rumor when one has a blog with a decent readership. Then we got a little excited by the idea. We were turned on by the power. But then we realized it would be wrong. Okay, we always knew it was wrong, but we realized we could get in trouble. In the end, though, making up rumors about someone we don't like is just too much fun to pass up. But it's wrong. So instead of starting rumors about Sarah Palin, we'll just tell you the rumors we thought about starting.

Ladies and gentleman, here you have it: the top 5 completely untrue (to our knowledge), absolutely false rumors we would make up about about GOP vice-presidential nominee Sarah Palin, but won't.

5. When the McCain camp got in touch with Palin about the vice-presidency, they told her she'd have to get rid of her Hummer. She was super upset, she said, because she felt like it was the only place she could get some alone time on her way to and from work and Wal-Mart.

4. Sarah married Todd Palin because she was pregnant with Track (okay, this one might actually be true, but we have no proof).

3. Sarah has a tattoo of Alaska right where her ass meets her back, on the left side.

2. Sarah once made out with Anne Heche while Heche was in town filming "Men in Trees." Palin later wrote Heche an email telling her how much she liked it.*

1. The media has it all backwards. Trig isn't the son of Bristol, he is Sarah's baby. But he is the son of Levi Johnston (Bristol's boyfriend). Sarah has been having an affair with Johnston since he was 13. Palin became pregnant with Johnston's child in the summer of 2006, but aborted it in the first trimester. When she got pregnant again, she felt too guilty to abort, especially considering it was conceived in her favorite place ever: her Hummer. Eventually, Johnston fell in love with Bristol and Sarah thought it would be a good idea to let the two date. Johnston claims he was always in love with Bristol and that Sarah Palin seduced him (against his will) one summer; Sarah claims otherwise.

Related:

RNC Day Three: Sarah Palin Makes Dick Cheney Look Like Al Gore

RNC Day Two: Eloquence No Substitution For A Record... Of Temper Tantrums

RNC Day One: Total Anarchy

Our Crazy RNC Photo Essay

Against Our Better Judgment, We're Reporting From The RNC This Week...

What'll Happen To Sarah Palin?

Real or Fake: Nude Sarah Palin Photo?

EXCLUSIVE: McCain-Palin Internal Talking Points Memo Leaked To Scanner

Palin's Grandbaby Daddy: Self-Proclaimed F*cking Redneck

We're Glad Levi Johnston Took This Opportunity To Start a College Fund for Baby

*This one's for you, Baron von Monkeychow.

This Is How They Do It: Flatworm Penis Fencing

2008-09-05T15:25:00Z

The flatworm has long been one of our favorite creepy crawlies for the very reason demonstrated in the video below:

They have both boy parts and girl parts, and they fence with their penises to determine who will be the male and who will be the female. What the hell could this possibly look like?

Check it out in all its feakiness below:

Flatworms Penis Fencing | Movies & TV | SPIKE.com

Imagine if every time you wanted to have sex, you had to fence with your junk to decide which gender you'd be....how totally twisted.

DC Madam Dictates Memoir From Beyond The Grave!

2008-09-05T14:52:00Z

A new, epic blog post on 10 Zen Monkeys may restart those rumors that said Deborah Jeane Palfrey committed suicide... or, as "Palfrey" herself says, quash them for good...

Yes, we understand this makes no sense... how is a victim of suicide or murder going to come back from the grave and solve their own case? Via metaphysical psychics, of course!

The 55-year-old astrologer lived 10 miles from Tarpon Springs, Florida where Palfrey had committed suicide in May. (Her body was discovered hanging from a noose in a storage shed behind her mother's mobile home.) [T]wo weeks later, "I was at home in my living room when I became aware that another person, a spirit entity, had suddenly entered my consciousness and my body..."

Daniel says he now has the answers to the questions surrounding the infamous brothel-keeper's death. (Was Palfrey's suicide faked by government conspirators? Would she reveal the names of her famous clients?) Within 10 seconds, he'd identified the visiting spirit as Deborah Jeane Palfrey. (And to make sure, he'd verified it — with another psychic.) In July, Daniel was ready to contact the sex-worker advocate to say the madam was now available for questions.

At this point, we were laughing so hard we almost stopped reading. Almost. We gotta admit, we wanted to hear what the ghost of whoredom past had to say about herself:

This is absolutely false! I am solely responsible for the manner in which my life ended. There was no conspiracy that I became aware of to kill me. And even if there was, it was not successful. I took my own life; it was my decision, end of story. Or is it...?

The Government was my own dark shadow. The Government is very often our own personal dark shadow. Once we begin to recognize this we can move past the guilt, punishment, blame games and victimization. Until such time as the Human Race gets really, totally and completely fed up with limiting beliefs and values, our Government will stand as a reminder, a grim reminder that we are anything but a free people living in a world of real freedom and personal fulfillment.

Zen Monkeys question whether this is the real voice of Palfrey (for some reason, she sounds to us like a lame middle-aged "psychic" who has a bone to pick with the Federales), but we think it most definitely is: who wouldn't kill themselves if they found themselves living in their mother's mobile home in Tarpon Springs...

More nonsense here.

Thanks to El Destiny for the link!

Sloppy Seconds: Elizabeth Hasselbeck Not Sure What A Vibrator Is For

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Move Over Lazy Young People, Persephone Lewin's Day Puts Yours To Shame

Who Would You Rather (Bring Down With A Political Sex Scandal)?

Rumor: Governor Running A Brothel Out of His Office

Swedes Get High On Nutmeg, End Up In Hospital For Cake Overload...

2008-09-05T14:20:00Z

We want to thank the Freakonomics blog for informing us that we can actually get high on nutmeg... although the hospitalization part that happened to these Swedish magazine readers is not really part of our agenda this weekend...

Tens of thousands of copies of a Swedish food magazine have been recalled this week after an error in an apple cake recipe sent four of its readers to the hospital with nutmeg poisoning.

The recipe should have called for two pinches of nutmeg. Instead, the magazine went to press telling chefs to use 20 whole nutmeg nuts. That was enough nutmeg for at least four adults to seek medical help for headaches and dizziness.

In large doses, nutmeg is a mild hallucinogen.

Mild or otherwise, it's better than the stuff the guy in 3B has been leaving in our mailbox...

"There was a mistake in a recipe for apple cake..." Matmagasinet's chief editor Ulla Cocke told Agence France-Presse. [ABC News]

Although we're pretty sure none of our readers subscribe, just be warned: the name of the magazine is Matmagsinet.... However, should anyone want to fix us up an LSD cake, as accidentally recommended here, we accept deliveries at the Nerve address all day...

via Freakonomics.

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While You Were Sleeping: Ciara's Naked Vibe Cover

2008-09-05T13:43:00Z

We still have a long way to go, baby: gay marriage is not equal to straight marriage in California and Massachusetts... at least when it comes to taxes.

Inspired by Radiohead's slap at the record industry, Michael Moore will post his next movie online for free. We think it's called "Sicko II: The John McCain Story."

And aren't we past this, especially with a female Vice Presidential candidate on the Republican ticket?

Kacy Stuart, a freshman at New Creation Center, a private Christian school, had practiced as a kicker for two months before being told by Hank St. Denis, executive board chairman of the Georgia Football League, that she would not be permitted to play.
Her mother vows to take the League to court.

A new study indicates there is no link between those who are given the measles vaccine and autism.

Check out Screengrab's amusing look at the top films about school for the R-rated crowd.

The Governor of Texas is weighing whether he should stay the execution of an inmate. The inmate's trial, by the way, was marred by the relationship (sexual!) between the prosecutor and the judge. Oh, and here's a little Texas justice for ya: the Governor knows the inmate's appeals hearing is scheduled for after the inmate's scheduled execution.

We saw a headline scrolling along a building this morning: Breaking news: 84,000 new unemployed filings in August; rate jumps to 6.1%. Can't be good for the McCain campaign to wake up to after that speech.

Isn't that a bizarre cover? If the McCain campaign can fool people into thinking Tina Fey is actually his VP, he's got it all locked up...

And Ciara dishes on her relationship with 50 Cent on an (all nude) cover story for Vibe...

Video of the Day: Tracy Morgan Responds to Tina Fey on SNL

Who Would You Rather?: Evangeline Lilly In A Manshirt or Tina Fey Scarfing A Sandwich

The Next Big Star: Marisol Nichols

Howard Schatz Reminds Us How Much Steamier Sex Is Underwater

Sloppy Seconds: Levi Johnston's New Tattoo

2008-09-04T22:03:00Z

Shocking, shocking news out of Johns Hopkins University: women who binge drink are more likely to engage in unsafe sex. Shocking! Just shocking! [CBC]

Liv Tyler is just like us. Or just like Scanner Emily at summer camp, minus the cold sores and extra 13 pounds. [Daily Intel]

Kelly Ripa would like you to think about her breasts. And her ovaries. Actually, she—and us—would like you to think of your own, and make sure there are no woman-eating cells in there. [People]

Remember when Christina Aguilera said she'd keep nursing so she could keep her ginormous breasts? Yep, it seems to be working for her. [FameCrawler]

Levi Johnston debuted his "Bristol" ring-finger tattoo at the RNC, while Bristol herself debuted something else. Hello, ladies! [Us]

Who Would You Rather: Sarah Palin vs. Britney Spears (Our Last Palin Post of the Day, Promise)

2008-09-04T21:34:00Z

It's a simple enough question that we believe needs no explanation, just your vote.

&lt;a href="http://www.buzzdash.com/index.php?page=buzzbite&amp;BB_id=102386"&gt;Who Would You Rather?&lt;/a&gt; | &lt;a href="http://www.buzzdash.com"&gt;BuzzDash polls&lt;/a&gt;

Related:

No Wonder Sarah Palin Wants Kids to Stop Reading Books

Britney Spears Will Open VMA's, We Will Watch With Popcorn and Open Minds

No Wonder Sarah Palin Wants Kids to Stop Reading Books

2008-09-04T20:58:00Z

You really can't swing a limp dick around the Interwebs these days without hitting some news about GOP vice-presidential nominee Sarah Palin.

While we're looking forward to the Palin coverage dying down (hopefully along with her popularity), today BoingBoing brings us two wonderful little tidbits: one, the unfortunate cover of this children's book and two, the news that when Palin took office as mayor of Wasilla, AK, she approached her town librarian to find out how she could ban books from the library.

[Former Wasilla mayor] Stein says that as mayor, Palin continued to inject religious beliefs into her policy at times. “She asked the library how she could go about banning books,” he says, because some voters thought they had inappropriate language in them. “The librarian was aghast.” The librarian, Mary Ellen Baker, couldn’t be reached for comment, but news reports from the time show that Palin had threatened to fire her for not giving “full support” to the mayor.

Yes. Because books like "One, Two, Three Pull," can lead to things like teenage pregnancy. Oh, wait, she was concerned with language. Yeah, let's get rid of books so we can have better vocabularies.

[TIME via BoingBoing]

Related:

RNC Day Three: Sarah Palin Makes Dick Cheney Look Like Al Gore

RNC Day Two: Eloquence No Substitution For A Record... Of Temper Tantrums

RNC Day One: Total Anarchy

Our Crazy RNC Photo Essay

Against Our Better Judgment, We're Reporting From The RNC This Week...

What'll Happen To Sarah Palin?

Real or Fake: Nude Sarah Palin Photo?

EXCLUSIVE: McCain-Palin Internal Talking Points Memo Leaked To Scanner

Palin's Grandbaby Daddy: Self-Proclaimed F*cking Redneck

We're Glad Levi Johnston Took This Opportunity To Start a College Fund for Baby

Trojan Girls Try To Get Republicans To Wear, Learn Uses Of Condoms

2008-09-04T20:23:00Z

Scanner Brian is in Minneapolis-St. Paul this week reporting from the Republican National Convention...

We have to admit our trip to the Trojan Bus near the Excel Center yesterday was not entirely on the up-and-up (no pun intended.)

We heard there were a half dozen hotties flirting with delegates, handing out condoms and buttons, and asking the ladies and gentlemen of the RNC to take some sort of condom test. This, we thought, sounds like Scanner material...

Trojan claims this is not a marketing ploy (you know, buy our condoms and you'll get these hot girls to like you), but rather a booming wake up call about the state of the country's sexual health. Hint: it's in the shitter.

David Johnson, Group Project Manager for Trojan Brand Condoms, says, "The main initiative is to open people's eyes and get them involved in the Evolve cause." The Trojan Evolve Tour plans to visit 60 college campuses in six months. The Trojan Tour Bus will have multimedia stations where students can play games and win the necessary prophylactics for all their sexual needs.College OTR] [

Ah, yes... about those games. What we experienced was basically the Relay Game. If you've read the rules off the sign in the above photo, you've pretty much figured out how that goes, we imagine. If only there was a way to roll a condom over a banana while taking pictures (we never did get the one-hand move down yet-- again, no pun intended), we would have figured it out and presented a full photo essay here. As it is, we think you can use your imagination.

However, here is some visualization, if only of the bus, which has a little ~~peep show booth~~ video booth where students and anyone else off the street can record their own sexual health-related message to America. (Our was going to be something about how it's Wednesday, which means it's Business Time, but we thought better of that...) Note that the story we're referencing in this short and relatively pointless Q&A with the leader of the Trojans is this one.

[Ugh, Vimeo screwed up our video and it's too late to fix it today. We'll update tonight. Here's the basic rundown: we try to get the Trojan Girl to say anything about Republicans or Democrats, but she rightly avoids our dumb questions and sticks to the subject. In any case, we will say this: we're glad a very dedicated group of people of any age are spreading a positive message about condoms. As one of the girls told a delegate as we walked back to the RNC, "One and four New Yorkers has herpes." The numbers, you should know, are almost as bad everywhere else as well...]

UPDATE: Here we go...

Trojan Girl Explains Her Presence At The RNC from Brian Fairbanks on Vimeo.

Follow the tour via Facebook and read more at the Trojan website. By the way, can someone please explain the logic behind the bus "evolution" drawings?

While You Were Sleeping: Dancing With The B-Listers

Those Who Can, Do; Those Who Can't, Teach Porn Techniques...

Sloppy Seconds: Carmen Electra's Stripping Tips

Summer Camp is So Gay!

Obama and McCain Condoms: F**cking Silly

Howard Schatz Reminds Us How Much Steamier Sex Is Underwater

2008-09-04T19:41:00Z

Fleshot has alerted us to photographer Howard Schatz's stunning collection of underwater nudes, which are now available on his website. Most of these were published in his celebrated 2007 book H20.

H20 is now exhibiting in Innsbruck, Montreal, and Louisville... but we present a grand tease of some of the finest shots we've come across...

To read more about Schatz and his show, check out his website here.

Scanner Highs And Lows: Michael Phelps Rules The Blog

Skinny Dip Sandwich Free To All Plungers

Video of the Day: Are the Olympics a Trap?

Secrets of Synchronized Swimming

The Whole World Would Get Naked In The Rain For Spencer Tunick

Do These Jeans Make My Head Look Big?

2008-09-04T19:03:00Z

If they got us laid, they probably do. But they didn't. And all we can tell you about lately are the clothes that didn't get us laid—which are pretty much all the clothes in our closet... and our dresser... and that plastic bin under the bed... and the clothes waiting to be picked up at the laundromat.

Maybe we need to spend more time at The Clothes That Got Me Laid, so we can learn the secrets of the girls who are actually getting some. Except, we wear a lot of similar clothes (save the Doc Martens) and still aren't getting laid.

While we understand the power of putting on something that makes you feel like a sexy fucking beast, we hate to tell you: it's probably not the clothes. But this site is fun, nonetheless.

The Clothes That Got me Laid

Politics Is Makin' Everybody S' Crazy!

2008-09-04T18:31:00Z

Perhaps set off by Sarah Palin's explosive speech last night, the country is bursting at the seems with political intrigue, scandal, violence, and leaked reports of a Republican party implosion...

Noonan and Murphy on Palin

In this leaked clip from a commercial break following yesterday's Chuck Todd report on MSNBC, Peggy Noonan and Mike Murphy appear to say the choice of Palin was "bullshit" and that "it's over" for McCain. However, both Noonan and Todd argue they were discussing the Republican Party's era of dominance, in a way, is finished. As Noonan put it in today's Wall Street Journal:

"I made the case that this is no longer true, that party leaders seem to me stuck in the assumptions of 1988 and 1994, the assumptions that reigned when they were young and coming up. 'The first lesson they learned is the one they remember,' I said to Todd -- and I'm pretty certain that is a direct quote. But, I argued, that's over, those assumptions are yesterday, the party can no longer assume that its base is utterly in line with the thinking of the American people. And when I said, 'It's over!' -- and I said it more than once -- that is what I was referring to. I am pretty certain that is exactly what Todd and Murphy understood I was referring to."

(If you can't understand what they're saying, you'll need this transcript.)

McCain Campaign Knocks Down Enquirer's Palin Rumor

The latest buzz about Sarah Palin's personal life has centered around a loudly-trumpeted National Enquirer story that supposedly claims the Governor cheated with her husband's business partner. Of course, right-wing bloggers, among the only factions picking up on the story, blame it on Obama:

Turns out upon examination that the story is based on an anonymous source which the paper itself describes as an “incredible charge” by a well-connected insider. The story apparently comes down to someone in the Obama campaign feeding the Enquirer a line. That sheepish disclaimer did not pacify Sarah Palin’s team who are going to make a political issue out of media bias and dirty tricks from the Obama campaign. [Right Celebrity]

It should be noted that in no mainstream news report on this story does anyone mention this alleged "disclaimer."

Sarandon Hits Out At "Whiner" Clinton

In a recent interview, Susan Sarandon told an unknown media outlet that she would never play Clinton in a movie:

"At this point, to say after what's happened to her campaign and how they squandered all that money and all the different reasons her campaign fell apart, to blame it on sexism, I find so destructive to every young girl who dreams about making a difference through government.
"Instead of saying, 'Look how far I've gotten and you can do it too,' and all the positive things she could have done, she's turned into such a blamer and whiner, as if that was the reason, when clearly she wouldn't have been in the position she was in if she hadn't been a woman." {emphasis added} Um, kinda like Sarah Palin, no?

FBI Wanted To Charge Obama Plotters, But Rove Appointee Said "No"

Easily the most outrageous story we've heard this week, it turns out the supposed assassins busted in Colorado last week were much more serious than a local prosecutor suggested. Check out the charges:

Adolf said "it would not matter if he killed Senator Obama because police would simply add a murder charge to his pending charges," according to the records. There were seven outstanding warrants for Adolf's arrest.

The underage woman told law enforcement that Adolf also talked about using "a high-powered rifle 22-250 from a high vantage point" to shoot Senator Obama during his acceptance speech at INVESCO Field at Mile High during the DNC.
When police searched the hotel rooms and cars the men were using, they confiscated meth, needles, laptops, cell phones, a black mask, books indicating check fraud and forgery, bags of new clothes, tactical pants and bar coupons.

Based on the evidence, FBI special agent Robert Sawyer believed there was probable cause to charge the men with conspiracy to kill Senator Obama. However, US Attorney Troy Eid last week said there is insufficient evidence to indicate a true threat, plot or conspiracy against the senator.

For God's sake, the man's name was Adolf!

Meanwhile, it turns out this is the same prosecutor who called a press conference and blasted an inmate who sent fake anthrax powder to McCain's office just two weeks ago. Hmmm...

Read more at Firedoglake.