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• While You Were Sleeping: Blake Fielder-Civil In Trouble Again

  Who cares if it makes us sound like a two-year-old: we can't stop shouting "I want! I want! I want!" when we watch this video about Tweenbots. It was the biggest Easter box-office of all time, thanks to Hannah Montana topping that dumb car race movie. First, gay marriage and now sexting will be legal... Read More... Posted Apr 13 2009, 09:54 AM by Brian Fairbanks with | with 1 comment(s) Filed under: marriage, scary, gay marriage, hannah montana, parodies, suri cruise, scientology, children, seinfeld, wedding, porn industry, vermont, easter, while you were sleeping, gay marriage ban, lawsuit, scientologists, sexting, polar bear, robot, tweens, roger federer, tweenbots

• PapSmeared: Somebody Should Tell Suri Cruise That Flip-Flops Aren't Part of the Scientology Detox Diet

  But damn, she still makes us want to have babies. Like, right now. [Image] Posted Apr 02 2009, 11:44 AM by Emily Farris with | with 1 comment(s) Filed under: babies, tom cruise, katie holmes, suri cruise, scientology, food, cute babies, papsmeared, scientology detox diet, flip-flops, celebrity babies

• Sloppy Seconds: Keep Yer Areolae Off My Facebook, Mmmkay?

  While trying to find out if the double homicide I think I heard happen early yesterday morning really happened, I found out that Al Capone's home is for sale in Chicago for a mere $450,000. Still no word on the homicide. [Crime Scene KC] Suri Cruise may very well be the cutest baby I've seen, like, ever, but I cannot get behind Tom and Katie going for nine more. I imagine Katie's vagina agrees. [Us] I'd like to think I'm not the only woman out there who would bed Woody Harrelson. In fact, I know I'm not. He just got married. [People] Read More... Posted Dec 30 2008, 06:51 PM by Emily Farris with | with 1 comment(s) Filed under: scanner, boobs, nerve, marriage, sloppy seconds, weddings, photos, facebook, crime, 2008, Woody Harrelson, scanner emily, tom cruise, katie holmes, pictures, suri cruise, scientology, vagina, celebrities, money, breasts, madonna, emily farris, Chicago, engagements, images, kansas city, nerve.com, murder, areolas, kabbalah, making babies, breastfeeding, pictures of boobs, pictures of breasts, scanner blog, sexy vagina, december 30, pictures of areolas, double homicide, won't you be my neighbor, philanthropy, al capone, mister rogers, areola, gchat, close-ups

• While You Were Sleeping: 93% Prefer Real Boobs

  A woman who selflessly built homes for Katrina victims is CNN's Hero of the Year, an award which is obviously way cooler than Time's Person of the Year. However, you look at it, this company is in deep shit: a radio station is being sued after a Win A Date With A Great Guy contest ended in the unlucky winner being raped. One commenter: "Is the radio station responsible for doing a through criminal background check? What's a 24 year old woman dating a 46 year old man anyway?" Here it is, the annual annoying survey of the Top 10 stars you'd like to invite over for Thanksgiving... Read More... Posted Nov 25 2008, 09:01 AM by Brian Fairbanks with | with 1 comment(s) Filed under: sports, Barack Obama, senate, tom cruise, FARK, Giveaway, football, cnn, suri cruise, hollywood, prison, radio stations, rape, fake boobs, jennifer aniston, joe biden, Hurricane Katrina, lawsuit, real or fake, hero of the day, pavement, ikea

• Who Wore it Better: Kate Hudson vs. Suri Cruise?

  Okay, okay, we know this isn't a baby blog, but we're a little obsessed with Suri Cruise's cuteness. She almost makes us want to bang a self-involved Scientologist nut job—but only if we could be guaranteed a little one as adorable as Suri. And you have to admit it's kind-of hilarious that she's trotting around the city in practically the same dress as as an adult actress. Read More... Posted Oct 10 2008, 11:59 AM by Emily Farris with | with 2 comment(s) Filed under: who would you rather, babies, Us Weekly, tom cruise, suri cruise, kate hudson, clothes, who wore it better, sciencetology, juicy coture, us magazine

• Sloppy Seconds: How Sarah Palin Brought a Litte Heaven Into Our Lives

  Do we sound like your mother when we say that Kirsten Dunst looks so much cuter without a cigarette attached to her face? [Faded Youth] Clay Aiken addressed his seemingly homophobic Claymates—he's the same old Gay Aiken he's always been. [MollyGood] We want to eat Suri Cruise. Really. She's so fucking cute. [INF] Read More... Posted Oct 06 2008, 05:33 PM by Emily Farris with | with 3 comment(s) Filed under: tina fey, sloppy seconds, babies, saturday night live, tom cruise, katie holmes, suri cruise, kirsten dunst, smoking, clay aiken, joe biden, cigarettes, sarah palin, gay aiken, reward in heaven, paris hilton hilton, queen latifa

• While You Were Sleeping: The Scientologists Planned Their Invasion of New York

  Remember Silvio Berlusconi, the guy who hired the hot new Italian minister who was our Crush of the Week last week? Well, we now know she doesn't support "pointless" gay pride. If that means teddy bears (stuffed, not human) with nipple rings and rainbow t-shirts, we would almost get where she's coming from (because pierced teddy bears always freaked us out), but as a politician she probably shouldn't have said it out loud. Except it appears that's not what she meant at all. [Queerty]  Would you wear undewear-wear-wear-eh-eh-eh designed by Rihanna? [ICYDN] If you look hard enough, you can see Angelina Jolie's nipple in this picture. [Fleshbot] Read More... Posted May 20 2008, 10:41 AM by Emily Farris with | with no comments Filed under: nip slips, sloppy seconds, underwear, Lost, rihanna, pete doherty, tom cruise, katie holmes, suri cruise, scientology, Broadway, angelina joile, children, gays, gay pride, nipple, Silvio Berlusconi, plays, arthur miller, matthew fox

• Sloppy Seconds: In Which Men Everywhere Mourn a Great Loss

  After experiencing chest pains, Courtney Love was admitted to the hospital for "strep throat." [StarPulse]  Okay, seriously: why does Suri Curise have to be so freaking cute? [FameCrawler] The term "illegal three way" kind-of sounds like "illegal u-turn" until you add R. Kelly to the mix. [Celebrity Dirt]  Hot or not? Pink and her apparent new BFF Bai Ling went frolicking on the beach in their biknis. [Hollywood Tuna] Read More... Posted May 05 2008, 06:01 PM by Emily Farris with | with 1 comment(s) Filed under: courtney love, sloppy seconds, R Kelly, scarlett johansson, pregnancy, suri cruise, engaged, reese witherspoon, bai ling, pink, ryan reynolds, country star, gretchen wilson

• Sloppy Seconds: Pretty Young Things

  Chelsea Clinton can't get enough of the gays. And apparently, they can't get enough of her. [Queerty]  Suri Cruise is two-years-old. And still so fucking cute. We just want to squeeze her! [People] If you are a pedophile, you might enjoy these "sexy" pictures of Miley Cyrus. [JustJared]  The other U.S. American Miss South Carolina will work for the John McCain campaign and like such as. [Wonkette] Read More... Posted Apr 21 2008, 05:33 PM by Emily Farris with | with 2 comment(s) Filed under: harry potter, sloppy seconds, robots, miley cyrus, scarlett johansson, suri cruise, john McCain, Chelsea clinton, harrison ford, Emma Watson, interns, pretty young things, class rings, miss south carolina

• Katie Holmes' Vocabulary Limited to 3 Words: Lovely, Magical, Beautiful

  Look, Katie Holmes is lovely. We know it, David Letterman knows it, there's just no denying it. And we pretty much want to kidnap little Suri, and not just to get her away from her crazy Scientologist father, either. We're sure her life is lovely, magical, beautiful and everything in between, but come on Katie, since the chemical reaction that was TomKat you're such a robot. Is this what Scientology does to you? We want to see little Suri throw up all over that pretty white dress of yours right before you yell "Shitfuck!" and she bursts into tears. Give us something so we'll know your body hasn't been taken over by pod people.    Posted Jan 15 2008, 02:33 PM by Emily Farris with | with no comments Filed under: tom cruise, katie holmes, david letterman, suri cruise