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• Larry Flynt: How's About A Porn Bailout?

  You knew the world was in trouble when even prostitution and pornography were suffering from the financial crisis. Porn may have been the hardest hit-- sales and rentals are down (it's not like you can find DVDs anymore, what with all the stores being forced to close), while free porn sites have reported a jump in web traffic since the downturn began. Hell, even Naughty America, among the most popular of web porn makers, is closing offices and laying (off) employees. But instead of salvaging what remains of America's two oldest professions, Congress instead rewarded banks, institutions that already have all our savings, with all of our tax dollars, too.  Larry Flynt has a much better and far more entertaining solution to the crisis... Read More... Posted Jan 07 2009, 04:25 PM by Brian Fairbanks with | with no comments Filed under: porn star, larry flynt, funny, porn industry, vintage video of the day, sfw, sarah palin, bailout, nailin paylin, naylin palin, press releases, adult films

• Scanner's Greatest Hits: The Top 10 Posts of 2008

  Ed note: Yes, we're running it every day this week. Now that we're settling comfortably into 2009, we have a little time to reflect on 2008. And what kind of seemingly professional blog would we be if we didn't compile our top ten posts of last year? With boobs, Mormons, abortion and booze we hope the list is everything you hoped it would be and more. Read more... Posted Jan 07 2009, 03:18 PM by Emily Farris with | with no comments Filed under: nerve, al gore, hillary clinton, tacky, amy winehouse, lists, gay marriage, bloggers, the UK, 2008, top 10 lists, scanner emily, nude beaches, mormons, drinking, new jersey, australia, abortion, scanner brian, roe v. wade, emily farris, sex scandal, Eliot Spitzer, ashley alexandra dupre, math, boobies, dick cheney, comments, top 10, bad movies, groupies, california, breast feeding, scanner nicole, rnc, scanner verena, sarah palin, prop 8, proposition 8, mail goggles, almost famous, client no. 9, client number 9, the room, 2009, nude sunbathing, the mormons, 10-year-olds, suckling at the teet, the u.k, douche bag, sunbathing, pop music, governor eliot spitzer, missy quinn, drunkenness, top ten, commenters, james blunt, tabloid news stories, le pequena, la pequena sarah palin, protesters, douche, mormons in california, grown children breast feeding, mormons against prop 8, high class call girl, republican national convention, top 10 scanner posts of 2008, roe vs. wade, 35 year anniversary, i had an abortion

• Accused Murderer Is Italy's Woman of the Year

  You thought Natural Born Killers was a sick Tarantino-Oliver Stone fantasy that could never come true? The story of Amanda Knox, named Italy's "Woman of the Year" for 2008 proves it could, and sooner than you think... Read More... Posted Jan 06 2009, 04:12 PM by Brian Fairbanks with | with 4 comment(s) Filed under: halloween, scary, seattle, vampires, italy, comic books, washington, murder, Oliver Stone, Italian, murderers, quentin tarantino, sex crimes, sarah palin, manga, amanda knox

• In Case You Missed It Yesterday: The Top Ten Scanner Posts of 2008

  Now that we're settling comfortably into 2009, we have a little time to reflect on 2008. And what kind of seemingly professional blog would we be if we didn't compile our top ten posts of last year? With boobs, Mormons, abortion and booze we hope the list is everything you hoped it would be and more. Read more... Posted Jan 06 2009, 02:02 PM by Emily Farris with | with no comments Filed under: nerve, al gore, hillary clinton, tacky, amy winehouse, lists, gay marriage, bloggers, the UK, 2008, top 10 lists, scanner emily, nude beaches, mormons, drinking, new jersey, australia, abortion, scanner brian, roe v. wade, emily farris, sex scandal, Eliot Spitzer, ashley alexandra dupre, math, boobies, dick cheney, comments, top 10, bad movies, groupies, california, breast feeding, scanner nicole, rnc, scanner verena, sarah palin, prop 8, proposition 8, mail goggles, almost famous, client no. 9, client number 9, the room, 2009, nude sunbathing, the mormons, 10-year-olds, suckling at the teet, the u.k, douche bag, sunbathing, pop music, governor eliot spitzer, missy quinn, drunkenness, top ten, commenters, james blunt, tabloid news stories, le pequena, la pequena sarah palin, protesters, douche, mormons in california, grown children breast feeding, mormons against prop 8, high class call girl, republican national convention, top 10 scanner posts of 2008, roe vs. wade, 35 year anniversary, i had an abortion

• Top Ten Scanner Posts of 2008

  Now that we're settling comfortably into 2009, we have a little time to reflect on 2008. And what kind of seemingly professional blog would we be if we didn't compile our top ten posts of last year? With boobs, Mormons, abortion and booze we hope the list is everything you hoped it would be and more. Read More... Posted Jan 05 2009, 04:07 PM by Emily Farris with | with 5 comment(s) Filed under: nerve, al gore, hillary clinton, tacky, amy winehouse, lists, gay marriage, bloggers, the UK, 2008, top 10 lists, scanner emily, nude beaches, mormons, drinking, new jersey, australia, abortion, scanner brian, roe v. wade, emily farris, sex scandal, Eliot Spitzer, ashley alexandra dupre, math, boobies, dick cheney, comments, top 10, bad movies, groupies, california, breast feeding, scanner nicole, rnc, scanner verena, sarah palin, prop 8, proposition 8, mail goggles, almost famous, client no. 9, client number 9, the room, 2009, nude sunbathing, the mormons, 10-year-olds, suckling at the teet, the u.k, douche bag, sunbathing, pop music, governor eliot spitzer, missy quinn, drunkenness, top ten, commenters, james blunt, tabloid news stories, le pequena, la pequena sarah palin, protesters, douche, mormons in california, grown children breast feeding, mormons against prop 8, high class call girl, republican national convention, top 10 scanner posts of 2008, roe vs. wade, 35 year anniversary, i had an abortion

• Sloppy Seconds: Kate Winslet's Secret

  Things seem to be looking up for Jennifer Hudson this year. Rumor has it, she may be singing the "Star Spangled Banner" for Obama's inauguration. [Radar] Matt Dillon is facing a possible three months in jail if convicted for driving 103 miles an hour in a 65-mph zone. [Us] John Travolta's son, Jett, is dead at 16. [Gawker] Read More... Posted Jan 02 2009, 04:33 PM by Emily Farris with | with no comments Filed under: marriage, larry craig, sloppy seconds, dead people, lily allen, jail, Barack Obama, sex, john travolta, babies having babies, babble, pregnancy, kate winslet, mile high club, airplane sex, famecrawler, senator larry craig, sex scandal, gray hair, alaska, birth, sarah palin, bristol palin, levi johnston, jennifer hudson, speeding, gym, inauguration, 2009, bathroom sex, january 2, look good without going to the gym, lily allen's boyfriend, why is mph not capitalized, matt dillon, gray-haired mystery man, lose weight without going to the gym, pilates, minneapolis-st. paul international airport, soliciting sex, miles per hour, mph, jett travolta, kelly preston

• Sarah Palin Elevated to GILF Status, or Bristol Palin Pops One Out

  Just yesterday we were commenting on the VPILF (Vice President I'd Like to Fuck) t-shirts blogger Rachel Kramer Bussel found and today we are pleased as punch to announce that our very own (well, ours, yours, Alaska's, Russia's) Sarah Palin is officially a GILF. World, please welcome little baby... Read More... Posted Dec 30 2008, 03:33 PM by Emily Farris with | with 1 comment(s) Filed under: babies, pregnant, babies having babies, pictures, pregnancy, vice president, russia, baby pictures, alaska, sarah palin, bristol palin, levi johnston, trig palin, vpilf, vice president i'd like to fuck, grandmother i'd like to fuck, trip easton mitchell johnston, bristol palin's baby, gilf, baby born

• Sloppy Seconds: Pete Wentz Weighs in on the Taste of Breast Milk

  If we were guys who were into girls, we don't think we could come up with anything more dreamy than going on a karaoke date with Drew Barrymore. Lucky Jason Segel. [Us] Jennifer Aniston's "Marley and Me" outsold her ex Brad Pitt's "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" at the box office over the weekend, leaving us able to only mutter "nah nah nah nah boo boo." [FadedYouth] We're actually sort-of surprised we haven't seen a VPILF (Vice President I'd Like to Fuck) shirt sooner. [LustyLady] Speaking of Sarah Palin, Tina Fey has been voted the Associated Press' Entertainer of the Year. [AP] Read More... Posted Dec 29 2008, 06:51 PM by Emily Farris with | with 2 comment(s) Filed under: scanner, sloppy seconds, owen wilson, saturday night live, the UK, 2008, brad pitt, t-shirts, SNL, karaoke, cate blanchett, drew barrymore, pete wentz, images, nerve.com, ashlee simpson, jennifer aniston, ashlee simpson wentz, pete wentz penis pictures, sarah palin, breast milk, rated x, pete wentz penis, bronx mowgli wentz, tina fey 30 rock, december 28, jason segel, dress size and happiness, vpilf, cinema ratings, size conversions, entertainer of the year, rachel kramer bussel, the taste of breast milk, f. scott fitzgerald, nc17, the curious case of benjamin button, mother i'd like to fuck, drew barrymore and jason segel, karaoke date, benjamin button, how does breast milk taste, karaoke date with drew barrymore, human milk vs. cow's milk, lusty lady, uk to us clothing conversions, pete wentz tried breast milk, cow's milk vs. goat's milk, pete wentz and his penis, associated press, date with drew barrymore, vpilf t-shirt, dress size

• RNC Candidate Produces "Barack the Magic Negro" Song

  If you think the historic and decisive victory of Barack Obama has dealt a death blow to this country's racial intolerance, you're going to want to see this... Read More... Posted Dec 29 2008, 01:02 PM by Brian Fairbanks with | with 2 comment(s) Filed under: video, wtf, scary, george w bush, republicans, Barack Obama, parodies, spelling, mike Huckabee, Republican, racism, slavery, racists, al sharpton, rnc, conservative, jesse jackson, sarah palin, republican idiots

• Top 10 Reasons To Watch 30 Rock

  As if you need a reason besides the above-pictured lass, the year's #1 entertainer, according to various publications... Read More... Posted Dec 23 2008, 03:20 PM by Brian Fairbanks with | with no comments Filed under: tina fey, 30 rock, oprah winfrey, lists, top 10 lists, television, Will Arnett, NBC, alec baldwin, Emmy's, netflix, Tracy Morgan, jennifer aniston, ratings, sexy people, sarah palin, steve martin, television shows, liz lemon, alec baldwin, cameo, rachel dratch, elaine stritch

• Drug Charges

  Oh, that wacky, lovable Palin family... what have they got themselves into this time? Drugs? You betcha! Read More... Posted Dec 19 2008, 12:14 PM by Scanner Matt with | with 4 comment(s) Filed under: politics, who would you rather, nsfw, vice president, nude photos, fake boobs, real or fake, sarah palin, levi johnston, sarah palin nude photos, srah palin blow job, levi johnston mom drug charges, bristol palin drugs, bristol palin baby, levi johnston mom felon

• While You Were Sleeping: Emma Watson To Get Naked?

  Catherine Hardwicke, who ruined it for female directors everywhere by having the biggest opening with the worst movie, will not be invited back for the followup to Twilight. Jay Leno is sticking around late night after all. He'll host a show in the 10pm slot instead. For $12,000, you could've had a boatload of fun with Anne Hathaway... Read More... Posted Dec 09 2008, 09:06 AM by Brian Fairbanks with | with no comments Filed under: movies, robin williams, dating, harry potter, jay leno, television, money, sexism, Emma Watson, nude scenes, auction, anne hathaway, sarah palin, keanu reeves, twilight, catherine hardwicke

• While You Were Sleeping: Full House Coming Back to TV?

  The dumbest (tabloid) question of the day: "Does a woman's short haircut mean she isn't interested in sex?" Hitler was "the perfect boss," according to his maid. We'll, uh, refrain from wishing he was still of this world, thank you very much. Keanu Reeves' agent must have a mortgage to pay off or something if he's actually considering this... Read More... Posted Dec 05 2008, 09:08 AM by Brian Fairbanks with | with no comments Filed under: religion, oprah winfrey, Hitler, television, Republican, gay sex, Christian, assassination, sex life, full house, religious fanatics, interview, sitcom, sarah palin, haircuts, republican idiots, keanu reeves, twilight, robert pattinson, john stamos, rick warren

• While You Were Sleeping: Imagine Porky's... But Starring Kate Winslet

  Lil' Wayne won the popularity contest known as the Grammy nominations process. However, it wasn't a total loss: M.I.A., Coldplay, Taylor Swift, and Alison Krauss at least received more than their share. Sarah Palin's latest ethics violation is being blamed on an "administrative error." Yeah, right-- then why has it been two months since the media had a field day with this "oversight" and only now you're fixing it? Hey fatasses in Louisiana... Vermont can squeeze you in... Read More... Posted Dec 04 2008, 09:08 AM by Brian Fairbanks with | with 1 comment(s) Filed under: boobs, jessica biel, judd apatow, brad pitt, alison kraus, kate winslet, grammys, New Orleans, vermont, lil wayne, louisiana, ellen degeneres, fat people, m.i.a., coldplay, sarah palin, taylor swift, ethics

• When Tina Fey Was "Fat"

  You love Tina Fey now, right? But would you have loved her when she was not really fat but considered fat by Hollywood's standards? According to her and Maureen Dowd, and possibly Steve Martin, maybe not. We haven't received our Vanity Fair in the mail yet, and we'll admit, we just skimmed the online version of Maureen Dowd's profile of the funny lady to find the quote about her famous scar. But the kids over at Daily Intel, who are much more diligent than we are, went through the article and pulled out all the quotes regarding Fey's previous, er, heaviness. And, well, fuck. Read More... Posted Dec 03 2008, 03:23 PM by Emily Farris with | with 2 comment(s) Filed under: scanner, new york, nerve, tina fey, 30 rock, saturday night live, fatties, scanner emily, pictures, photographs, fat, vanity fair, Chicago, jenny craig, annie leibovitz, salad, sarah palin, steve martin, liz lemon, b.l.t, weight watchers, fat women, kristie alley, doppelganger, tina fey in chicago, adam mckay, hollywood's standards of fat, fat actress, fat comedians, fat actresses, donuts, rubenesque, 30 rock's liz lemon, daily intel, second city, alec baldwin, breakfast, fat females, tina fey fat, maureen down, when tina fey was fat, tina fey at second city

• Video of the Day: Now That's Some Polar Bear Sh*t

  We don't know why we're so obsessed with this video of polar bear shit (which is the equivalent of asking you to pull our finger), but we'd like to dedicate this video to the memory of Sarah Palin's bid for vice president and to Gina Gershon for reminding us that Sarah Palin thinks global warming is polar bear shit. Read More... Posted Dec 02 2008, 04:46 PM by Emily Farris with | with no comments Filed under: video, video of the day, poop, disgusting, gross, global warming, sarah palin, polar bear pooping in water, polar bear pooping, pooping in water, fart jokes, gina gerson, pooping in the pool, sarah palin thinks global warming is polar bear shit, shitting in the pool, the shits, shitting, polar bear pooping in the pool, the runs, poop jokes, pull my finger, toilet humor, hershey squirts, polar bear shit, polar bear, diarrhea

• Bush: "People Voted For Barack Obama Because of Me" No sh*t!

  The ABC Bush interview will be the first of many farewells to that mighty president with whom we embarked on a new century. And let us just say, though we have had some rough times and our differences, in the end Mr. President, we'll still always hate you... a lot. Here are some highlights from George W. Bush's interview with the paternal Norman Rockwell-esque Charlie Gibson that will have you reaching back into your 80s lexicon and letting fly some of your favorite grade school expressions such as, "No shit, Sherlock!" "Duh-uh!" "Thanks, Captain Obvious!" and the timeless classic, "I wish I was never born!" Read More... Posted Dec 02 2008, 01:16 PM by Scanner Matt with | with no comments Filed under: Barack Obama, W, sarah palin, sarah palin sex tape, george bush drunk, smoking presidents, presidents who smoke, george bush crying, bill o'reilly sucks, white housese, george bush sucks, irush limbaugh sucks, george bush sex tape, bush is an idiot, george bush countdown, i hate george bush, laura bush porno, i hate barack obama, sarah palin porno, presidents suck

• Study: Strawberries 'Splain Sex

  (Sorry, we just love alliteration.) Anyway, unless you're our mom, or Sarah Palin, you might not argue with the statement that we all came from hermaphrodites. But for years, biologists have tried to figure out why and how the separate male and female sexes evolved. Now a fruit we already associate with sex may hold the answer. Read More... Posted Dec 01 2008, 04:22 PM by Emily Farris with | with no comments Filed under: science, sex, evolution, sexual revolution, dinosaurs, studies, sarah palin, scanner emily's mom, sexual evolution, lay man's terms, science in lay man's terms, strawberries, sexual science, emliy's mom, layman's terms, hermaphrodites

• Sloppy Seconds: Flavor of the Week

  Who the hell wants to steal used sex toys? Oh, right: weirdos. A drunk driver led police on a high-speed chase and after trying to escape from the scene, somehow running over both his legs with his own truck. You just have to read this one. Even better: almost two dozen people were arrested for underage drinking at a party celebrating the life of a person who died from... you get three guesses... Read More... Posted Nov 26 2008, 06:36 PM by Brian Fairbanks with | with 1 comment(s) Filed under: sex toys, police, dogs in the news, parties, Barack Obama, scanner emily, concerts, marijuana, driving, ohio, united kingdom, idiots, jay-z, underage, chase, coldplay, sarah palin, ex-boyfriends, twilight, kristen stewart

• Sloppy Seconds: Joe The Plumber's New Homeland Security Gig

  We can't think of anything more unAmurrrican than George W. Bush pardoning an eagle killer. Okay, we can, but still... [Gawker] Hugh Jackman's wife was totally cool with him kissing Nicole Kidman. [Us] Who was totally not cool on David Letterman last night. [Jezebel] Read More... Posted Nov 25 2008, 05:52 PM by Emily Farris with | with no comments Filed under: sloppy seconds, drugs, kissing, amy winehouse, sexiest man alive, advertisements, Barack Obama, television, commercials, david letterman, talk shows, the olsen twins, nicole kidman, National Security, australia, john McCain, rehab, hospital, hugh jackman, the iraq war, meth, joe biden, baby daddy, full house, W, sarah palin, the real world, joe the plumber, unpatriotic, converter boxes, pardons, presidential election 2008, cody herpin, dtv transition, jodie sweetin, eagles, stephanie from full house, public safety, the war in iraq, people 2008, medication, digital tv transition, george bush pardons eagle killer, bob sagett, digital tv, president of the united states, candace cameron, Samuel Wurzelbacher, stephanie tanner, late night talk shows, george w. bush, election 08, unamerican

• Is this guy the Barack Obama of the GOP? Um, no.

  With the Republican Party in crisis many are looking for a new leader to win them back the throne in 2012 (does anyone really believe it will be Sarah Palin?). Thirty-six-year-old Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal (short listed as a McCain VP nominee before the barracuda graced our lives) just might be the guy. He's surrounded by presidential buzz and—let's be honest—it wouldn't hurt the GOP if their conventions looked a little less like white supremacist rallies. Piyush “Bobby” Jindal picked up his Anglo nickname from The Brady Bunch. Yes, that Bobby, seriously, which he commonly uses as his first name. He at first appears to be a very intelligent individual; he was a Rhodes Scholar at Oxford. But here’s the thing. He’s crazy. Read More... Posted Nov 25 2008, 05:23 PM by Scanner Matt with | with 9 comment(s) Filed under: GOP, India, vice president, Democrats, President, katrina, New Orleans, white supremacists, kkk, Pro Life, america ferrera, family values, sarah palin, right wing, vp pick, extremist, republicancan, brady bunck, dumb idiots, wing nut, bobby jindal, 2012, catholicism, prochoice, politician porn, republicancans, bobby from the brady bunch

• "Don't Mess With My Governor" Turkey Guy From Palin Video Speaks Out

  We should probably call him “Brian the Turkey Slayer.” Brian Tomes, the man slaughtering turkeys behind Sarah Palin in the infamous video that has earned itself over 2.2 million hits on You Tube alone (PETA must be proud), has finally been hassled by the media. Read More... Posted Nov 25 2008, 12:15 PM by Scanner Matt with | with 3 comment(s) Filed under: boobs, PETA, rush limbaugh, g spot, sarah palin, sarah palin nude, sarah palin naked, nailin palin, bristol, dead turkey, naylin palin, naylin paylin, guy in video, thanksgiving day, don't mess with my govenor, turkey guy in sarah palin video, happy thanksgiving, turkey sluaghter, srah palin blow job

• Top 3 Reasons "Twilight" Isn't Cool…or Sexy... or Worth Your $10

  1. Mormons 2. Abstinence 3. There’s a better vampire movie you should be watching Reason #1: Never let devout religious people teach or describe sex to you. It’s like having George Bush explain his foreign policy (a bunch of cautionary bullshit and no results). Stephanie Meyer is a Mormon. Yes, those guys who helped spearhead the anti-gay “Yes on Prop 8” campaign… and by the way, who the h