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• Take Him to Detroit: America's 11 Most Depressing Places

  This really ain't Michigan's week, is it? First, some dumbass ex-Mayor was arrested for having an extramarital affair in the middle of the street. Then, we made a mean joke about the Detroit Free Press and it's sex advice column, complete with a newspaper headline that says, "Detroit Blows." Now, comes word that Business Insider is further driving down the state's property values by including two MI cities on its list of the most depressing places in America. Cheer up and enjoy this sprightly little list... Read More... Posted May 14 2009, 03:46 PM by Brian Fairbanks with | with 5 comment(s) Filed under: dating, lists, cars, funny, florida, michigan, michael moore, travel, kansas, detroit, arizona, top 10, indiana, georgia, illinois, california, cities, auto industry bailout, auto industry

• Do You Like... Jumbo?

  Since no one in their right mind watches MTV anymore, we're guessing none of you have ever seen these condom PSA's the network has been running.  Here we have the complete 3-minute rundown of all the puppet porn hilarity... never has the term "pee-pee" been used to such great effect outside of the world of six-year-old boys... Read More... Posted May 13 2009, 05:41 PM by Brian Fairbanks with | with 1 comment(s) Filed under: video, advertisements, MTV, youtube, penis, condoms, funny, commercials, PSAs, penises, condom psa, big penis, condom ads, commercial advertising

• Hey Everyone, Let's Join the Sex Party

  In November, right after the American Presidential election, we brought you word of an emerging (but subsequently little-noticed) political party in Australia: The Sex Party. Here's what we said: In response to "moral campaigners and prudish politicians," Australia's open-minded citizens have decided to strike back. On Thursday, the Great Down Under will announce the only political news worth reporting on: the launch of the fortunately-named Australian Sex Party. And no, it's not that key-exchange game your Mom told you about. This week, Canada got in on that action with its very own-- and rather different-- Sex Party... Read More... Posted May 13 2009, 01:20 PM by Brian Fairbanks with | with no comments Filed under: politics, sex party, canada, funny, strippers, caption this, health, australia, elections, indecency, central park, exotic dancers, parks, vancouver, political porn stars, escort service, sex positive, british columbia

• Boobs Pull Double Breasted (Burger) Ad

  The Australian fast food chain called Nando's has offended the nation's sensibilities once again with a demeaning ad that involves boobs, French fries, "funny accents," and boobs. There are also boobs. Read More... Posted May 11 2009, 02:30 PM by Brian Fairbanks with | with 6 comment(s) Filed under: boobs, advertisements, ads, funny, australia, offensive, breasts, sexism, boobies, south africa, fast food, sfw, burger, ad campaigns, fried chicken

• Michael Phelps Still Celebrating With Strippers, Probably Hitting the Hash Pipe

  Michael Phelps appears to be content to vanish into a haze of canned beer stink and vaporized marijuana in the city of Baltimore, Maryland. Today, one of his sex partners (we hesitate to use the term "ex-girlfriend," since the only real date they had was a "special value meal" together at Taco Bell), a stripper named Theresa White (we're guessing the 25-year-old Latin bombshell is using an alias) spoke with News of the World about the orgies, drugs, junk food, and best of all, the three-hour marathon sex sessions with the Olympian... Read More... Posted May 11 2009, 11:27 AM by Brian Fairbanks with | with 4 comment(s) Filed under: stripper, drugs, athletes, funny, marijuana, nsfw, Maryland, olympics, baltimore, nude photos, spanish, topless photos, latin america, bikini, strip club, michael phelps, olympians, latina

• Scanner PSA Of The Day: Don't Masturbate With Your Sunroof Open

  EMBED-I Won A Math Debate - Watch more free videos There are three things that we learned from watching this video. 1)  Don't masturbate in your car with your sunroof open. Particularly when parked in front of an office building full of tech / new media peeps, regardless of whether you took the time to cover your furtive fap-fap-fap-ing with a t-shirt. 2)  If you ever have a bird's eye view of someone masturbating in their car with the sunroof open, definitely record it. 3)  If you ever have the opportunity to work at Nextopia, do it. Those guys are awesome. [via] Related: Caught on Tape: Cats Masturbating Today in WTF: Man Has Sex with or in a Dumpster Celebrate National Masturbation Month with the Masturbate-a-Thon Read More... Posted May 07 2009, 06:05 PM by Ina Maier with | with 3 comment(s) Filed under: funny, mastrubation, video 2009, man masturbating sunroof, man masturbating video, nextopia

• Congratulations, Miss Beautiful... Morals

  They don't allow women to drive; they barely allow them to breathe without permission. So, it should come as no surprise that the only "pageants" held in Saudi Arabia involve women who are basically invisible, covered until to the eyeballs in black fabric (in 120-degree temperature land, to boot.) Of course, these pageants are not about beauty... unless you consider rigid conservative "morals" beautiful. Meet Miss Beautiful Morals! She's hot as hell... under all that heavy material. Read More... Posted May 06 2009, 07:28 PM by Brian Fairbanks with | with 7 comment(s) Filed under: funny, afghanistan, sexism, pageants, conservative, men and women, beauty pageant, beauty pageant queens, saudi arabia, morals

• How Did the Mock-Ecstatic Amazon Review Trend Get Started?

  This isn't really news since it's something that's been around for ages, but we were thinking today, "Who/how/why did this whole trend of writing mock-ecstatic reviews of stupid Amazon products get started?" Not that we're complaining... once you see what we have for you today, you won't mind either... Read More... Posted May 06 2009, 03:05 PM by Brian Fairbanks with | with 4 comment(s) Filed under: funny, amazon.com, meth capital of the world, amazon, meth addicts, trend alert, wolves, wolf

• Kiwis Krazy for Shirtless Servers

  First, there were breastaurants. Now, New Zealand has started a new trend-- dudes dressed like Chippendales dancers waiting on you, hand and foot, in a dining establishment... Read More... Posted May 04 2009, 06:50 PM by Brian Fairbanks with | with no comments Filed under: stripper, underwear, funny, breasts, New Zealand, sfw, 1950s, beat generation, topless men, shirtless, greenwich Village, chippendale's

• Arizona University Paper Hosts Sex Advice Column, Silly Questions Ensue

  Northern Arizona University, in the Flagstaff area, has an award-winning newspaper called the Lumberjack, which features a sex advice column and questions from anonymous local dopes and maybe a few genuine practitioners of sex.  At the end of every semester, the Lumberjack, which can be found online as JackCentral, reproduces the leftover scraps. While they aren't as asinine as you might expect (we're pretty sure the craziest questions were left on the printing press floor), there are a few pieces of gold mixed in with questions about swimming sperm, anal sex, and circumcision... Read More... Posted May 01 2009, 01:01 PM by Brian Fairbanks with | with 2 comment(s) Filed under: sperm, britney spears, advice, wtf, funny, harvard, semen, arizona, anal sex, sfw, university, sex advice

• New X-Men Movie Sounds Like a Pile of Wolf Sh*t

  A friend sent us a link to the New York Daily News review of X-Men Origins: Wolverine, which doesn't say much of anything about the movie besides giving it one star. Hell, it doesn't even take that snoozer of a title to task. What's notable about the story is what happens in the comments section: a flamewar starts among a whole slew of people who have never even seen the damn movie... Read More... Posted Apr 30 2009, 03:35 PM by Brian Fairbanks with | with 3 comment(s) Filed under: movies, internet, funny, stupid, x-men origins: wolverine, hugh jackman, wolverine, commenters, x-men

• Couple Busted For Having Sex At the Queen's Residence, Filming A Japanese Porno

  We really had to check secondary sources to substantiate this one.  A couple of thirtysomethings were arrested for having sex outside Windsor Castle, while the freakin' Queen of England was kickin' it old school inside. You won't believe what they got away with during an amazing twenty-minute romp in the garden while untold numbers of tourists and pedestrians cheered them on... Read More... Posted Apr 30 2009, 02:28 PM by Brian Fairbanks with | with 4 comment(s) Filed under: wtf, public sex, funny, england, arrest, today in wtf, queen, wtf?, the queen of england, public boners

• No Matter How Uncool You Might Feel Sometimes, You'll Always Be Cooler Than These People

  The 12 Saddest World Record Attempts Ever Caught on Video Here's today's funniest video, courtesy of Cracked. Is there anything finer than a Poor Man's Wil Wheaton sitting around a bad bluescreen and making cracks about burning old people alive? Yes, there is: the morons that man lampoons. Posted Apr 29 2009, 04:34 PM by Brian Fairbanks with | with no comments Filed under: video, Cracked, funny, nsfw, naked people, nudism, stupid people, guiness book of world records, records

• Top 5 Nude Beaches in North America

  If you're gay or just want to see a bunch of naked men making out, tanning, splashing each other, or just plain frolicking in the sun, OutTraveler has the list for you. And if you're a lady person and just want to let it all hang out among guys who probably won't take your picture and put it on NudeBeachCam.com or whatever, you'll want to know where the hot spots are... Read More... Posted Apr 28 2009, 02:43 PM by Brian Fairbanks with | with 4 comment(s) Filed under: texas, nude beaches, canada, funny, florida, naked people, miami, topless photos, austin, conservative, beaches, toronto, sfw, vancouver, hawaii, nude sunbathing, maui

• "You Traitor Pig!"

  Yesterday, we showed you why it's important to avoid Facebook when you're pretending to need a sick day from work. Today, we'll show an even more dangerous trap users can fall in to-- especially if those users are planning on having a wild bachelor party... Read More... Posted Apr 28 2009, 11:34 AM by Brian Fairbanks with | with 7 comment(s) Filed under: stripper, cheating, wtf, facebook, funny, wedding, italy, bachelor parties, boobies, nude photos, cheaters, Italian, strip club, sfw, naked woman, facebook status, facebook status updates, traitor, pig

• Don't Use Facebook on Your Sick Day, Silly

  We know it's hard to quit Facebook, the awful and unreadable website that networks socials.  But it may be advisable not to post status messages of any kind when you're on sick leave... my Mom works for an insurance-fraud investigation company and the first thing they check is your Facebook page-- to see if it says something like "Back home from the hospital, kicking back and playing Nintendo Wii with both of my broken hands!" This dumbass should've known better... Read More... Posted Apr 27 2009, 03:49 PM by Brian Fairbanks with | with no comments Filed under: scary, facebook, booze, funny, drinking, alcohol, sick, funniest thing i've seen all day

• Welcome to Your Working Week with Eddie Izzard

  It's already been a long week and it's only 9:32am here in New Orleans. Last night, we stayed up till God-knows-what-hour scrolling through old Lego video reenactments of standup comedy. We realized that there's absolutely no reason not to share this, the greatest of 2-minute Lego comedy videos, with you, even though it's several years old. On this brutal Monday morning, be thankful you don't work in the cafeteria in the Death Star...   Related: EXCLUSIVE: Scanner Reveals Minnie Driver's Baby Daddy Posted Apr 27 2009, 10:38 AM by Brian Fairbanks with | with no comments Filed under: movies, star wars, drag, youtube, funny, comedians, comedy, eddie izzard, legos, death stare

• Will Her Fetus Be Charged As An Accomplice?

  New studies today reveal that fewer people are having babies, thanks to the horrible economy. Those who can't afford (or are unaware of) birth control methods are finding that other people having children are too frightening to have anything to do with, and so sit at home, isolated from everyone. If you think we're making that up, check out today's most bizarre news story: it involves a woman, a gun, money, and a fetus as an accessory to robbery... Read More... Posted Apr 23 2009, 03:40 PM by Brian Fairbanks with | with 1 comment(s) Filed under: wtf, pregnant, guns, women, funny, pregnancy, the Onion, money, north carolina, robberies, fetus absorbing another, fetus

• Matt and Kim Star in the Sexiest Music Video in Years

  This video is too sexy and scandalous (even with all the MTV censorship) for the front page of Scanner. You'll have to trust us when we say it's well worth the click and 3:38 of your time...  Read More... Posted Apr 22 2009, 02:14 PM by Brian Fairbanks with | with 6 comment(s) Filed under: music, MTV, funny, music videos, songs, streakers, music video, stripping, sfw, times square, public nudity, matt and kim, butch

• Fox News Wants To Sex You Up

  Ah, yes, it's time to check in with the Sex Advice Column You All Love To Hate, mainly because it happens to be on FoxNews.com, features a non-manufactured cute doctor as its host, and was probably written in less time than it takes to read the posts we make fun of it in... Read More... Posted Apr 21 2009, 03:58 PM by Brian Fairbanks with | with 1 comment(s) Filed under: dating, marriage, antonio banderas, advice, relationships, cute, fox news, funny, intercourse, men and women, sexy people, sex advice

• Jesus Died For Somebody's Sins, But Not Mine

  This video has been making the rounds today. We love it because we love anything that exposes religion for the ridiculous waste of time we know it to be. Agree or disagree, you have to wonder why Jesus didn't turn deserts into fertile farm land. Or why God is such a jackass with an amusing accent. (By the way, another Biblical highlight from today's blogs.)   Related: Sloppy Seconds: TGIGF for @JesusChrist Sex Ed Class Enjoys Naked Man Parade Posted Apr 17 2009, 02:26 PM by Brian Fairbanks with | with 3 comment(s) Filed under: video, religion, funny, god, jesus christ the exclamatory, jesus christ, Christianity, New Zealand, religious wackos, religious fanatics, religious leader

• Former Disco Dancer Shocks British TV Audiences With Latest Routine

  A woman whose story reads like a 50's pulp novel survived multiple rapes, beatings from her mother, and a forced performance in a porno to become a disco dancing champion, before retiring to become a housewife. On Saturday night, she staged her second comeback on Britain's Got Talent, the Simon Cowell-run spectacle that has seen some serious competition lately. But Fabia Cerra takes them all down, easy, in our book-- watch what happens when this polite, nervous size 20 sweetheart does after taking the stage for the live taping... Read More... Posted Apr 15 2009, 12:12 PM by Brian Fairbanks with | with 2 comment(s) Filed under: stripper, reality shows, music, television, reality show stars we'd like to fuck, funny, simon cowell, breasts, burlesque, boobies, breast, sfw, censored, disco, plus size, dancers, the queen of england, britain's got talent

• More of the Best of "The Best of Craiglist"

  It's hard to believe it's been almost ten years since Craig's List officially took over the internet. Craig Newmark's baby has long since proved its staying power and questions about its eventual demise are considered silly since no end appears to be in sight. Another sign of its vitality is the continuing presence of wacky, original posts showcasing North America's admirable ability to not always take itself so seriously. These few posts prove the site will always be ridiculous, bizarre, unfiltered, and entirely readable... if only in the "Best of" section, which thankfully weeds out the dick pics and political maniacs. First, a personal ad that makes us wish we were lesbians... Read More... Posted Apr 14 2009, 03:43 PM by Brian Fairbanks with | with 3 comment(s) Filed under: marriage, wtf, internet, craigslist, nudity, funny, Wisconsin, wedding, gay sex, streakers, washington dc, hotel sex, toronto, Craigslist ad, sfw, naked men, montreal

• Ben & Eileen Dover Try Out New Porn Names

  Starting at about a minute in, we counted 12 sex pun names plus the mayonnaise joke to make it a Baker's Dozen of "How the hell did these people get away with this?" fun. Let's us know if we missed a few. "Hey Louu... Briccant! Hope your party goes smooth?" "Craven Moorehead... it's been a long way for me." How did the news anchor miss those? See, anybody can prank a dumb morning show with punny names, but to include more innuendo in the dedication and get away with it...? Congrats!   Related: Sarah Palin Porn Ain't Goin' Nowhere, No Ho Ho Ho Posted Apr 13 2009, 09:20 AM by Brian Fairbanks with | with 2 comment(s) Filed under: video, porn star, oral sex, birthday, penis, televison, funny, vagina, anniversaries, funny names, pranks, cunnilingus, morning shows

• "Fairbanks Man Gets Plea Deal, Wedding"

  It's always disturbed me to open a link someone sends me to read this on a newspaper's website: "FAIRBANKS-- A man charged with sexual assault is getting married." Thanks, but I'd rather not have either of those crimes attributed to me in dictionary definition form (i.e. FARRIS-- A woman charged with maintaining a stable of bearded men received probation today.")  Seriously, though, check out "my" quote in the paper today: “I’m dumbstruck to even have my name put in this situation,” he said. “This doesn’t begin to describe the caliber of man I am.” Read More... Posted Apr 10 2009, 12:22 PM by Brian Fairbanks with | with no comments Filed under: marriage, scanner emily, funny, assault, scanner brian, brian fairbanks, fairbanks, sexual assault, wedding, bearded men, sexual abuse, alaska, names

• Gah! Don't Let Your Kids Play With Satan's Testicles!

  Forgive us for an Easter Bunny photo so frightening, your future grandchild will be traumatized in perpetuity. We were forced to show it due to the seriousness of this situation, in order to draw your attention, much as Strollerderby dramatically alerted us, to What Is REALLY Happening Here In US Americans. Sunday is Easter Bunny Hunting Day, and there will be eggs in your yard, eggs in your trees, eggs in your pants. But did you know these eggs are really... Satan's schweddy balls?  Thank Christ Landover Baptist is on the case and we have their full, dramatic warning for you here... Read More... Posted Apr 10 2009, 09:11 AM by Brian Fairbanks with | with no comments Filed under: religion, books, wtf, balls, funny, Christian, Christianity, strollerderby, satan, easter, nuts, religious wackos, religious fanatics, testicles, easter bunny

• Spring Movies Full of Steamy Sex Scenes, Apparently

  Today's Entertainment Weekly blogs are all about sex scenes in movies. Sex scenes in Lifetime movies, even. If this is a true indicator of what to expect, then Spring 2009 is going to go down as having some of the hottest cinematic love scenes ever... Read More... Posted Apr 07 2009, 12:20 PM by Brian Fairbanks with | with 3 comment(s) Filed under: movies, harry potter, cops, cocaine, sex scenes, making out, malls, funny, heroin, seth rogan, date rape, Rupert Grint, kevin james, entertainment weekly, vomit, sfw, anna faris, sexy people, sex scene, tequila

• So You Think You Can Dance Better Than A Third Grader?

  This is exactly what we needed to kick off the week: a seriously badass brother and sister improvisational dance team.  Hopefully, these kids will grow up, find this on YouTube, and realize maybe it's actually pretty cool that their parents captured this moment in time. One commenter muses: "As Jack Donaghy says, In five years we'll all either be working for him or be dead by his hand." We'll tweak that a bit: he's either the next Black Michael Jackson or a future Melendez brother.   Related: This Kid Is Sooo Wasted... Posted Apr 06 2009, 09:20 AM by Brian Fairbanks with | with 2 comment(s) Filed under: video, video of the day, youtube, funny, dancing, children, child abuse, murder, dance, hiphop

• Seattle About To Enjoy Wave of Segway Strippers

  A blog covering the town of Burien, Washington, which is near Seattle and has a mere 31,000 residents, announced yesterday that a strip club is moving into a space that once housed an Office Depot. Normally, we could care less about this development, except our eyes fell straight to the words "strippers on Segways..." Read More... Posted Apr 02 2009, 01:13 PM by Brian Fairbanks with | with no comments Filed under: wtf, funny, strippers, plastic surgery, seattle, breast implants, washington, fake boobs, today in wtf, oregon, small towns, portland, nude revue, segway

• CW11 The Only News Outlet To Fall For An April Fool's Prank

  Last night, the CW11 in New York City reported that the group Improv Everywhere had staged one of their pranks on an unsuspecting grieving family. That's right, the CW11 actually believed that doing this on April Fool's Day meant these crazy kooks just showed up at somebody's funeral and messed with them. This clip has to be seen to be believed. Check out more about the stunt here. Posted Apr 02 2009, 10:32 AM by Brian Fairbanks with | with no comments Filed under: New York City, funny, stupid, pranks, funeral, improv everywhere, april fool's day, cw