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• While You Were Sleeping: Scrubs & Friends

  Denis Leary can't escape controversy if he tries. Geffen is blaming Axl Rose for the flop that is Chinese Democracy. Releasing the album exclusively to Best Buy stores and not really promoting that fact may not have been the blockbuster idea of the century either, dumbass. Someone send these people a lifetime supply of birth control pills, stat... Read More... Posted Dec 03 2008, 10:18 AM by Brian Fairbanks with | with 1 comment(s) Filed under: spencer pratt, heidi montag, paris hilton, music, Friends, women, drinking, driving, children, birth control, scrubs, courtney cox, iraq war, axl rose, chinese democracy, dennis leary

• Sloppy Seconds: Flavor of the Week

  Who the hell wants to steal used sex toys? Oh, right: weirdos. A drunk driver led police on a high-speed chase and after trying to escape from the scene, somehow running over both his legs with his own truck. You just have to read this one. Even better: almost two dozen people were arrested for underage drinking at a party celebrating the life of a person who died from... you get three guesses... Read More... Posted Nov 26 2008, 06:36 PM by Brian Fairbanks with | with 1 comment(s) Filed under: sex toys, police, dogs in the news, parties, Barack Obama, scanner emily, concerts, marijuana, driving, ohio, united kingdom, idiots, jay-z, underage, chase, coldplay, sarah palin, ex-boyfriends, twilight, kristen stewart

• While You Were Sleeping: The Naked Mannequin Orgy

  You'll be relieved to learn that this post has nothing to do with the you-know-what that's happening today... This is the creepiest and coolest Halloween prank we've seen this year A woman is charged with murder after stabbing her boyfriend with a pair of scissors after the argued over a slice of pizza. It's scary and insane enough that this guy murdered his girlfriend. But then to go and do... what? Read More... Posted Nov 04 2008, 09:31 AM by Brian Fairbanks with | with no comments Filed under: halloween, traci lords, pizza, guns, driving, orgies, naked, wife swapping, murder, porno, while you were sleeping, california, zach and miri make a porno, kevin smith, mannequins, castration

• BREAKING: McCain May Have Committed Vehicular Manslaughter in 1964

  This could be akin to either a) CBS releasing fake George W. Bush AWOL documents or b) George W. Bush's drunk-driving arrest coming to light the last week of the election and causing him to lose the popular vote. If it's true, in this case, it means the end of John McCain as a Presidential candidate... Read More... Posted Oct 28 2008, 10:31 AM by Brian Fairbanks with | with 6 comment(s) Filed under: driving, john McCain, elections, rumor mongering, campaigns, Breaking News, election 2008

• While You Were Sleeping: Watch Karl Rove Fight Off A Bunch of Hippies

  Richard Branson and his kids set off from New York at 2 a.m. in an attempt to break the transatlantic speed record by arriving in England in under six days. What is up with these cop impersonators lately? First, there was the fake cop who pulled over a guy who turned out to be his neighbor, who called the real police on him. Now, in our hometown of Hartford, Connecticut, a couple of phonies pulled over-- you called it-- an actual cop. A decision was reached in the Britney Spears driving trial... Read More... Posted Oct 22 2008, 10:35 AM by Brian Fairbanks with | with 1 comment(s) Filed under: tina fey, britney spears, police, cops, connecticut, driving, SNL, hippies, Karl Rove, while you were sleeping, trials, san francisco, sarah palin, tina fey as sarah palin, richard branson, ocean

• Video of the Day: Using A Cell Phone While Operating A Motor Vehicle

  By the way, this is legal in most US States, including Florida. Via Fark.com.  Posted Jul 11 2008, 11:40 AM by Brian Fairbanks with | with 1 comment(s) Filed under: video of the day, cell phones, FARK, youtube, India, florida, driving, cell phone etiquette

• Yeah, Um, We'd Rather Not Read About Laura Bush And Oral Sex, Please

  Can someone please read American Wife, the new Primary Colors-style fictionalized account of the life and marriage of First Lady Laura Bush, and let us know the juicy details? Because we'd rather not have to read anymore than we already did... Read More... Posted Jul 09 2008, 04:58 PM by Brian Fairbanks with | with 3 comment(s) Filed under: politics, porn, books, scandals, oral sex, sex scenes, driving, President Bush, Republican, bill o'reilly, scooter libby, murder, radar magazine, novels, laura bush, jossip

• Jesus: Out Of My Dreams and Into My Car?

  Earlier this year the South Carolina legislature unanimously decided the state's new license plates would boast a Christian cross and the tagline "I believe." Not only did the governor approve this measure, but the lieutenant governor offered to put up $4,000 of his own money to ensure that South Carolina would be the first state to issue the plates (because we're sure New York, Missouri and California are currently devising ways to beat South Carolina to this).  Read More... Posted Jun 20 2008, 09:44 AM by Emily Farris with | with 6 comment(s) Filed under: republicans, christians, cars, driving, jesus christ, South Carolina, license plates

• Reader "Ahem" a Braver, Hornier Driver Than We Are

  Hey, remember yesterday when we said not to have a threeway in a moving car? Yeah, well, Scanner reader Ahern would like to put an asterisk on that rule. Read More... Posted Feb 27 2008, 04:00 PM by Bryan Christian with | with 1 comment(s) Filed under: driving, threesomes, readers, corrections

• Rebecca De Mornay on Probabtion for Drunk Driving

  Rebecca De Mornay was sentenced to three years probation on a drunk driving charge yesterday. She should have just taken the subway. Even if she was in L.A. Rebecca De Mornay plus the subway equals all good.  Posted Feb 06 2008, 12:02 PM by Emily Farris with | with 1 comment(s) Filed under: tom cruise, rebecca de mornay, risky business, drinking, driving, probation, drunk driving, subways

• Holy Crap: Britney Spears Showed Up in Court, Y'all!

  We know, we're having a hard time believing it ourselves.  Read More... Posted Jan 22 2008, 03:09 PM by Emily Farris with | with 5 comment(s) Filed under: britney spears, kids, drugs, kevin federline, cars, custody, driving, alcoholism, court, the return of jt leroy

• The University of Phoenix Does Exist

  For real, kids, we drove past it when we were home for Christmas. We meant to rush back and tell you all, but we got so caught up with the Spears family and our computer crashing, it completely skipped our mind. We were reminded when we saw the ad this morning. The University of Phoenix actually does exist. We saw it with our own two eyes! Read More... Posted Jan 10 2008, 03:02 PM by Emily Farris with | with 11 comment(s) Filed under: fake universities, university of phoenix, online degrees, missouri, driving, online diplomas