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• "Paris Hilton's Vagina Bites Penguin" And Other Classic Celebrity Spam Headlines

  Mainly because it's Friday and we're burnt out from a romantic concert by Dean & Britta last night, we found this Top 10 List of Celebrity Spam bizarrely hilarious... Read More... Posted Aug 22 2008, 12:17 PM by Brian Fairbanks with | with no comments Filed under: michael jackson, lindsay lohan, britney spears, paris hilton, amy winehouse, spam, lists, Barack Obama, Princess Diana, funny, vagina, angelina joile, dean wareham, britta phillips, aliens, Breakup of the Week, top 10

• Was Nicole Kidman Ever Really Pregnant?

  Seriously! There is no human explanation for how a woman who popped out a fully formed being less than two weeks ago is able to look like this.    Read More... Posted Jul 22 2008, 04:40 PM by Verena von Pfetten with | with 5 comment(s) Filed under: tom cruise, nicole kidman, aliens, Kicole Kidman Pregnant, Alien Pregnancy

• Sloppy Seconds: Fake Gynecologist

  Tourists in Times Square decided the winner of the Toilet Paper Wedding Dress contest. [CNN]  Amy Winehouse does not have TB, is still in the hospital, and will make a disastrous toast to "my Blake, incarcerated" while performing live next week. [MTV]  We wish we'd thought of this first: ten memorable American political sex scandals. [Digg] Read More... Posted Jun 20 2008, 04:48 PM by Brian Fairbanks with | with no comments Filed under: amy winehouse, New York City, sex scandals, MTV, japan, brad pitt, Radiohead, wedding dresses, angelina joile, wedding, gynecologist, aliens, edward norton, perverts, fight club

• Five Things Women Think They Know About Men (But They're Wrong)

  At the risk of turning into Cosmo for the day, we're going to set the record straight about some things, since all of them are getting out of hand.  5) We are freaked out if you want to cook us dinner... on the second date. Read More... Posted Jun 13 2008, 03:00 PM by Brian Fairbanks with | with 13 comment(s) Filed under: fashion, dating, women, men, breasts, food, ron paul, george washington, aliens, fake boobs, std

• I Love Myself for Hating You: Outer Space

  Lately, Scanner has been showing love to a lot of hateful people and things (ahem--Hayden Panty-Lines?? Serious?). But it's time to get the Haterade out of the fridge and take a long drink. See, we've forgotten what we're really here for: to shit on things that other people mistakenly tolerate or enjoy. Today, that thing is outer space and, strangely enough, conception in outer space. This article (which is probably one of the best articles we've ever read, by the way), discusses two things that Scanner Nicole hopes never to be: pregnant and in space. Getting knocked up while in space is pretty much the last thing she wants to happen to her. So while we're on the topic, and in case you haven't already had the pleasure of listening to her "material" on space, we'll give you the abbreviated version: Read More... Posted Mar 06 2008, 04:42 PM by Nicole Pasulka with | with 5 comment(s) Filed under: space, Hayden Panettiere, aliens

• Assquatch Art Makes Us Proud to Be Alive

  We're not going to get cute with this one. We're not going to trick you, or tease you, or make any shitty puns. We're just going to come out with it. These are alien heads sculpted from deer ass. Right. You'll need a minute to let that sink in. It's OK, really. If you're anything like us, a lot has probably changed for you as you realize that someone, somewhere has immortalized the noble American pastimes of deer hunting and alien sighting together, in art. It's a deep and deeply beautiful thing, and we know better than to sully the moment with any of our cheap sass. A well-respected deer butt artist fills us in on the tricks of the trade after the jump: Read More... Posted Feb 28 2008, 03:26 PM by Nicole Pasulka with | with no comments Filed under: art, ass, aliens, assquatch