Evil Commercial Jingles: Stop the Inanity!

Posted by Colleen Kane

 

I am tormented by three words in this order:  "five dollar footlong."

The commercial jingle has been circling in my head for what seems like weeks, but may only have been days, repeating over and over: "Five. Five dollar. Five dollar footlooooong." It sounds filthy, and I'm not even certain what it's advertising, possibly some sort of sandwich dealie at Subway. 

I even heard it in Spanish yesterday, and the variation provided only slight relief because it didn't wear an instant rut into my brain. (If you follow the link to YouTube, avoid the comments-- so racist. Avoid YouTube comments in general if you don't want to be depressed, but especially in this case.)

When I woke up in the middle of the night last night, there it was just waiting in my mind to start up again: "Five. Five dollar. Five dollar footlooooong."

How do you erase these evil jingles from memory? Before this one, it was the original tune for "Free Credit Report.com." Next it will probably be this atrocity (I heard it once and am attempting to never hear it again): 

 

Scanner readers, are any advertising tunes haunting your minds, and do you have any reliable ways of vanquishing them from running around in your heads?

Related: 

Let The Superbowl Commercials Begin, And Watch Justin Timberlake Get His Junk Crushed

Condom Commercials Go Bollywood

PeTA: Again With Thinking Sex Sells Unpopular Idea


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Posted Mar 11 2009, 12:58 PM
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Comments

Frantz said:

There's only one way Colleen: stay away from TV.

I know.

That's my solution.

March 11, 2009 1:19 PM

Kevin said:

If you think those jingles are bad, just imagine the hundreds and hundreds of horrible frat-bands that have covered those songs in their sets.

I confess to having sat down to figure out the "5 Dollar Footlong" song on guitar (w/ no intent to ever play it in public, though.  I do like the harmonies).  It's annoying how they're trying to get "real people" to act like they're singing the song in unison on the streets, and giggling at the "footlong" entendre.  Ok, now it's your turn, America!  

I'm kind of morbidly fascinated with the FCR.com "band" now.  It's come full circle.  Six months ago, I was scheming to murder that guy (the actor, the jingle writer, whichever).  Now, it's kind of a masochistic joy for me, like liking a Britney Spears song.  I like how they took it postmodern with the line, "...tell your friends, tell your dad, tell your mom/nevermind they've been singing our songs since we first showed up with the pirate hats on."  That's the pinnacle of jingle writing cockiness--I like it.  If that were an actual band, they'd probably be the most popular band in America right now. I can't think of the last band that's had 5 or 6 slam dunk singles in a row (or that kind of exposure).  Don't get me started on the FCR.com band.  It horrifies and fascinates me all the same.    

As far as cleansing the palette--I've found that "That's All" by Genesis usually does the trick. Or try, "Been around the world and I, I, I/I can't find my baby."  Those usually work for me.  

March 11, 2009 1:51 PM

Brian Fairbanks said:

I agree with Frantz. Why anyone watches commercial television anymore is beyond me. 30 Rock is on the internet (although, yeah, there are ads that can be ignored, just like everything else on the internet) and the only other shows worth watching are on HBO or Showtime.

The real question is why anyone would waste money upgrading to an HDTV just for the networks. "For Netflix" is the only the acceptable reason.

March 11, 2009 2:58 PM

profrobert said:

This is tangential, but why does an identity theft/bad credit report result in this guy having to work theme restaurants and RenFests?  I understand how that hurts in terms of getting a loan or a credit card, but are there really jobs that do credit checks before hiring employees?  I'd think as long as you don't have a criminal record or civil suits against you for, say, stealing from previous employers, it wouldn't make a difference.

March 11, 2009 3:27 PM

luke said:

<i>why does an identity theft/bad credit report result in this guy having to work theme restaurants and RenFests?  </i>

The same reason he can't afford to buy a home because of his girlfriend's credit rating, even though by his own admission he could buy a house with a dog and a yard on his own.  

March 11, 2009 4:19 PM

Maman said:

There is nothing like be awoken from a dead sleep to the sound of your husband singing that stupid filet o' fish song?

March 11, 2009 5:45 PM

About Colleen Kane

Colleen has been an editor at BUST and Playgirl magazines and has written for the endangered species of dead-tree magazines like SPIN and Plenty, as well as Radar Online and other websites. She lives in exile in Baton Rouge with her fiance, two dogs, and her former cat. Read her personal blogs at ColleenKane.com.

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