Meet 21-year-old Antonio Vasquez. He was arrested in Fresno over the weekend after he broke into a home, robbed its inhabitants of $900 and...

a) humped their dog.
b) beat a man with an 8-pound sausage.
c) threw spices in a man's face.

B and C.

The bizarre crime is detailed in a Fresno County Sheriff's Department report, the funniest document you'll read this month. According to investigators, Vasquez, pictured in the mug shot below, robbed the home of a group of farmworkers, two of whom were assaulted during the 8 AM confrontation. Santiago Cabrera told deputies that he was sleeping on the home's front porch when he "felt something hit him in the face," the report notes. Struggling to awake, Cabrera found "an unknown male bent over him. The male continued to strike him in the face and head area with a sausage." Santiago, deputies reported, "said the sausage was about 8" long." Another resident, Cesar Macias, recalled that he was sleeping on a futon in the family room when the intruder threw Pappy's seasoning in his face. The Fresno-based Pappy's specializes in "high quality all purpose spice blends, sauces and marinades," according to its web site. Before fleeing the residence, Vasquez, for some reason, removed his shorts, which contained his driver's license, credit cards, school IDs, and cell phone. He ran into a nearby orange orchard, but was soon apprehended by a deputy who noted that the suspect was wearing "a white sleeveless tee shirt and green boxers." However, cops were unable to recover Vasquez's principal weapon. "I asked Santiago where the sausage was," Deputy George Ozburn wrote, "he advised his dog ate it."

[The Smoking Gun: Assault With an 8-Inch Sausage]