Scanner Highs and Lows: Finders Keepers, Finders Weepers

Posted by Brian Fairbanks

Oh, the things you'll learn!

HIGHS:

We found a picture of a very sexy carrot.

We found out about... sommmmeeboddyy'sss birthdaaay!

We discovered a secret pantie run at ASU. Okay, it couldn't have been that secret if hundreds of Arizonians were ready with their cameras when it went down.

We uncovered the ancient art of the VHS tape.

We revealed the identity of Minnie Driver's baby daddy. And no, she's not "fucking Matt Damon."

We learned that homosexuality is a whopping 140 years old!

We began a new contest after finding one of the great dive bars.

LOWS:

We uncovered a Google Map pertaining to the sexual conquests of an individual unfortuantely named "Igor."

We found out that Grey's Anatomy is resorting to raunchy lesbian sex to keep its ratings up. Shame on them?

We discovered the Ugly Models Agency is not really all that bad. It makes us feel ugly, in fact.

Our eyes burned after learning about anal from Spencer Pratt.

We mourned the wonderful news of Scarlett Johansson's enagement.

IN-BETWEENS:

We learned the identity of the owner of a famous third nipple. Actually, everyone cheated by reading the name of the celebrity off the title of the photo. Whoops!

And we learned about America's most sexually satisfying cities. None of them are near us, damn it.

+ DIGG

+ DEL.ICIO.US

+ REDDIT

Posted May 09 2008, 05:51 PM

Filed under: wikipedia, spencer pratt, matt damon, greys anatomy, scanner emily, new orleans 9th ward, food we might be able to f*ck, scarlett johansson, google maps, arizona, minnie driver, dive bars, carrot, anal sex, mark Wahlberg, ugly models, sexual satisfaction, vhs

Comments

Erin O'Brien said:

It is shockingly satisfying to learn that people in Indianapolis, Indiana and Columbus, Ohio are getting more than the overblown gasbags in LA and NY.

I'm in Cleveland. No complaints here either.

May 12, 2008 9:35 AM

About Brian Fairbanks

Brian Fairbanks, the Senior National Political Correspondent for Nerve, is a filmmaker living in Brooklyn or New Orleans, depending on the season. He is a heavily-armed advocate of gun control.