So by now you’ve heard the news: With a few snaps of the camera, Miley Cyrus has crashed down to Earth and shattered our (totally pathetic) hope that she would be a tween entertainment act to escape the scandal that comes with fame at a young age.
Miley’s fall from teenage asexual grace seems like the perfect time to flash back to other kiddie song and dance acts who, while entertaining, have made us feel sort of uncomfortable. With Miley coming in at number 10, we move on to the next 9 pop stars too young to drive but old enough to have their lives ruined.
9. Kriss Kross. Jump! Jump! Then turn your pants around and go home for dinner, your mom’s calling you.
8. Mini Pops. Toddlers in poodle skirts dancing and singing to “Stupid Cupid” is so unbelievably weird. Also, when you’re 8, there is really no need for lipstick. Also, they sing the Sheena Easton song “9 to 5”. With lyrics like “nighttime is the right time/ we make love” now seems like the right time to have a long a shower and wash off all the borderline child abuse we just witnessed.
7. Another Bad Creation. Whenever we hear the Iesha, we can’t help thinking that these kids are too young to be dating. Seriously, stick to the sand box and stop hanging out with Bell Biv Devoe and biting their songs.
6. The Chimpmunks and the Chipettes. OK they’re cartoons and really annoying, but they are performing children and they were a disturbingly formative part of our early childhoods. In other words, we had the record. Excuse us, records.
4. Tiffany. Looks like a junior high talent show act compared to the high-end trampiness of Christina Aguilera and Britney Spears, but remember, this was the 80s, when all you needed was a stage at the mall and an overbearing mother.
5. New Edition. Before there was ‘Whitney and Bobby,’ there was ‘New Edition and Bobby.’ Full disclosure: We’ve spent hours dancing along to the video for “If It Isn’t Love”.
3. Hanson. Oh that “Mmm Bop” is catchy. Plus you have to love that Hanson didn’t stop making music just because they got pubes.
2. Jordy. Our number two tiny performer may be too young to have any particular talent, but thank god that didn’t stop his parents from writing him a pop song and showing him off around the world—that is until the French government banned him from TV because they thought he was being exploited. This performance is so weird even Whitney Houston seems freaked out.
1. Jackson Five. Bubbles, Michael Jackson’s monkey, was unforgivably left off our Top 10 Celebrity Pets list, but the Jackson clan will not be forgotten this time. Do we have to explain? J5 epitomized the genius and the creepy that are kiddie pop music, and Michael went on to a solo career that was, well, the epitome of genius and creepy.
All other teen performers take note. This is how it’s done:
