Al Gore today declined to speculate on whether he will end up the consensus candidate and drive a Gore-Clinton Prius to the White House this year. In celebration of the former President-Elect's resurgence, Live Science put together a list of the Top 10 Surprising Results of Global Warming, most of which do not involve blogging by candlelight.
10. Aggravated Allergies, which we think is a great parody name for another one of those awful emo bands.
9. Animals Are Heading For The Hills, which would be a great title for a Gawker post about this season's premiere.
8. The Artic is Blooming! Plants are springing up earlier than ever, it seems. Unfortunately, those plants are embedded in icebergs rushing at 40 knots per minute toward New York City.
7. 125 lakes have disappeared from the Arctic in just the last few years. Any neocons wanna guess where that water might end up?
6. Global warming is thawing shit that's, like, under the ice! Like, the soil or something. Seriously, your house is going to collapse into one of the new Grand Canyons sure to spring up in 2312.
5. Animals may miss out on food because their migration patterns won't change with the fluctuations in the seasons. Without any birds around, Dick Cheney will be forced to blame his shooting of humans on drink and despair.
4. Speedier Satellites. Will James Bond be able to stop S.P.E.C.T.R.E. if this happens? Holy shit, we're doomed.
3. Mountains will grow in elevation. Wait, mountains are fucking alive?!
2. Ruined Ruins. Flooding will destroy monuments to extinct civilizations, such as something called "Black People in Louisiana."
1. Forest Fire Frenzy. That's okay, everybody has fire insurance that covers forest fire-related damage and contains no secret clauses, right? Whoops.
For the real list, click here.
