Behold, the latest in crack cocaine purchasing technology: our nation's newest five dollar bill. Designed to replace the last new five dollar bill -- which was introduced late last week and was notable for its for its incorporation of Abe Lincoln's raging case of encephalitis into his portrait -- this way better bill comes in purple and green or green and purple (just like The Incredible Hulk!) and contains twice as many cameras and sensors to monitor your spending and well-being. Also: it's gonna be worth less every day until January 20, 2009.

Have a great recession, everybody!