Nerve Insider : scanner

In Other Blogs: Best Mugshots Ever, Angelina Jolie’s Nipples, and More

Nicole Ankowski — Tue, 20 May 2008 20:05:00 GMT

What’s the word on the bloggin’ streets? Scanner brings the news, and the crazy:

Best. Mugshots. Ever. (Take note: best not to wear your “I love midget porn” T-shirt over the long weekend, no?)
Lil Wayne has been reading Mayan prophecies: check out what he’s learned.
Two celebs we haven’t heard from in awhile suck face in public.
If you look closely, you can see Angelina Jolie’s nipples. For reals.
Penthouse owns online Christian dating sites. Also for reals.
Meet the new DC Comics character, Shy Crazy Lolita Canary.
Guess which Star Trek star will take advantage of California’s new gay marriage law? Live long and prosper! All this and so much more at your Daily Scanner.

Over at the Screengrab, we’ve got Joan Collins dishing on why Sean Connery never walked in one her naked body painted gold (and other deep thoughts on the James Bond franchise); Shreveport, Louisiana: not just for birthin’ Spears’ kids!; are you Jaman?; David Bowie calls “bullshit” on stage musical version of The Man Who Fell to Earth; and check out the latest from Cannes.

The Modern Materialist brings us the most evil calculator ever (don’t tease me!); Got Milk? Get this awesome milk-splash chair; all sorts o’ hour glasses; a dog house bigger than your apartment; the smoking cigarette gun; egg pants; and “You Condoms.” As Materialista Wendy says, “They're the modern day calling card — they feature an image on YOU right on the package. Just send in a photo of yourself and they'll make a stylized black and white image to create your very own calling card condoms. Klassy!”

And new video game blog 61 Frames Per Second brings us the trailer review for “The Conduit”; going vertical: how Capcom’s developers are changing the landscape of 3D games; a YouTube-r re-imagines Gradius as an old-fashioned text adventure; and are you “casual” or “hardcore”? Or is there another option…?

Scanner Taking Nominations for "Scanner's Top 10 Hottest Women in the World"

Nicole Ankowski — Thu, 15 May 2008 16:45:00 GMT

Scanner is serious about taking nominations for Scanner's Top 10 Hottest Women in the World. On Scanner Emily's list: “Jenny Lewis, Rilo Kiley frontwoman, child actor and even better solo artist.”

And it’s on! From ScarJo to Charlotte Rampling to…Faye Wong?...the noms are pouring in. Leave your brilliant suggestions in Scanner’s comments section. (I’m all for Thandie Newton. Even if she has gotten disturbingly skinny.)

And after you answer…Did you ever play the ol’ college game where people ask you to name, in your opinion, the hottest male and female celebrities?

So you name them.

And then – insert dramatic shoe-drop thud! here — the person asking the questions reveals that you only chose that celebrity because they look the most like you.

Which happened about 80% of the time. Except for me. I’m so proud to report I look absolutely nothing like the utterly gorgeous Thandie Newton.

::sigh::

What Thandie looks like:

The celebrity I most resembled in high school, according to some dude who made my sandwiches at Subway:

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

In Other Blogs, 5.13.08: Scanner Brings Us One Sexually Confused Fur Seal, A Thousand Amused Scientists…

Nicole Ankowski — Tue, 13 May 2008 18:13:00 GMT

It’s been an interesting day already with the Scanner crew. You really need to check out what happened when a male fur seal mistook a king penguin for a vagina. Lots of seal-on-penguin action shots (but in black and white, so they're classy!). You’ll want to check out:

Caught on tape: fur seal tries, unsuccessfully, to have sex with king penguin. For at least 45 minutes.
Caught in the White House: Vice Admiral John Stufflebeem stuffs his beam.
The Wizard of Ass: Dorothy Is Not a Virgin Anymore. Brought to you by Chuck Palahniuk.
The dangers of Google maps. Pertains to prostitution, nose-picking.
NY anchorwoman Sue Simmons very clearly drops the F-bomb on air.
Jimmy Fallon to replace Conan O’Brien?
Arizona considers ban on gay marriage too lenient a stance…
Do you love Blow? This woman doesn’t.
“Desire Paths”: sexy name for being lazy?

In Other Blogs, 5.7.08: Scanner Helps You Over Hump Day

Nicole Ankowski — Wed, 07 May 2008 21:23:00 GMT

Wow, the Scanner crew knows how to pick ‘em. Today they ask Who Would You Rather: R. Kelly or the Maytag Repairman? I bet you can guess who’s winning…Also helping you get over the Hump Day:

Penis Camouflage: Fun for the Whole Family.
The Spears Family: not so fun.
The Weather Channel wants to lick your swizzle stick, fire your ass if you say “no.”
Wardrobe Malfunction: Did totally classy actress Natasha Richardson really forget to wear panties?
Time Out New York shows real New Yorkers, really naked. For once, we’d rather have seen Julia Allison.
This carrot needs pants! (Thanks commentator “HOLY MACKEREL!”)
Video of Arizona State University’s drunken “Undie Run”: we can smell the Axe Body Spray from here.
“An Australian man was acquitted of forcing vampire sex on a 16-year-old girl who claims he stalked her for years”…I’m sorry. Wait. Vampire sex?

All this and so much more…over at your daily Scanner.

Scanner’s Top 10 Teen Pop Stars

Nicole Ankowski — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 21:00:00 GMT

Scanner Nicole Pasulka writes, “So by now you’ve heard the news: With a few snaps of the camera, Miley Cyrus has crashed down to Earth and shattered our (totally pathetic) hope that she would be a tween entertainment act to escape the scandal that comes with fame at a young age.

Miley’s fall from teenage asexual grace seems like the perfect time to flash back to other kiddie song and dance acts who, while entertaining, have made us feel sort of uncomfortable. With Miley coming in at number 10, we move on to the next 9 pop stars too young to drive but old enough to have their lives ruined.

9. Kriss Kross. Jump! Jump! Then turn your pants around and go home for dinner, your mom’s calling you.”

Check out all ten (not in that way) right here.

The Top Ten Rich People Who Look Poor

Nicole Ankowski — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 16:18:00 GMT

As Scanner Emily says, ”When we were growing up, our mom always said 'just because we're poor doesn't mean we have to look poor.'" But over the last few years, we've noticed a new trend. Check out the Top Ten Rich People Who Look Poor. You might be surprised. Not by Nick Nolte, of course…but there are some good pics in there.

Scanner’s Top Ten Celebrity Pets

Nicole Ankowski — Thu, 24 Apr 2008 18:22:00 GMT

You can tell a lot about a person from the choice of pet. Or their choice of said pet’s weaves:

9. Foxxy Cleopatra, Nicole Richie’s Pomeranian. Named after Beyonce’s character in Austin Powers, Foxxy Cleopatra and the also unfortunately named HoneyChild are often paraded around town wearing weaves and hairbows. Here’s hoping they haven’t felt displaced since Nicole squeezed the bun out of her oven.

Woof, woof: check out the Top Ten Celebrity Pets here.

In Other Blogs, 4.23.08: Who Would You Rather?

Nicole Ankowski — Wed, 23 Apr 2008 17:16:00 GMT

The faboo Scanner crew delighted us with their Top 10 “Happy Earth Day” Sex Toys. But the fun doesn’t stop there. Get through “Hump Day” with a little help from your Scanner friends, and make sure to check out:

Who Would You Rather: Nancy Grace or Rachael Ray? Sadly, they didn’t give us a “none of the above” option.
Are you an effing potty mouth? The cuss-o-meter will let you know.
The Open-Source Boob Project. They wish Janet Jackson was involved.
Delta helps out in-flight masturbators.
Video of the Day: Doctors in the Philippines Remove a Can From a Man's Ass, Get a Good Laugh.
Pleasing boys and men everywhere: male masturbation “cuts cancer risk.” Of course, they didn’t mention the ladies. Medical equality, my humps.
Miley Cyrus will write a memoir; Scanner bloggers will rip their eyeballs out. (Also: if you are pedophile, you might enjoy these “pictures” of Miley.)
Smell Yo D*ck: the official video!
Good with a test tube? PETA might give you one million dollars.
More video: Norwegian Viking Metal band plays acoustic set for kindergartners. Why? Because “we need to let metal and Odin catch the kids before Jesus does." Obviously.
Self-validation: the “crazy cat lady” action figure.
Topless cello playing! And…bullshit?
Harry Potter’s real-life “wand”…rejected?! And Hermione is eighteen.

Want more? Live updates, all day long…at your DailyScanner.com.

The Screengrab brings us James Caan versus the Cookie Monster; hot mama Amy Poehler; Indiana Jones and the Curse of the Hollywood Accountants; Jessica Alba, serious actress!; and the trailer review of Neil LaBute’s Wicker Man remake, Lakeview Terrace.

And over at the Nerve Video Blog, has porn star Savanna Samson really been hired by Fox News? (And, do you want to see her in action?) Also check out: homeless James Bond; White House life; a cat versus a cake; the story of bacon; and the potato salad that brings all the boys to the yard. Delish!

Q&A With The Fugee’s Pras Michel

Nicole Ankowski — Wed, 16 Apr 2008 14:32:00 GMT

[Image via Variety]

Scanner Katie Halper recently interviewed Pras Michel of The Fugees, about his latest project, Skid Row, a documentary in which Pras goes undercover for nine days and nights as a homeless person in downtown L.A.’s notorious Skid Row. Katie met up with Pras in a hotel lobby in Manhattan to discuss the film. Pras discussed Muhammed Ali, why he likes Obama and doesn’t go for Bill Cosby, how Oprah and Snoop could help the “lost African-American generation” by meeting face to face, and why we’re in a “transitional moment.” But it was only when she asked Pras about what surprised him most about Skid Row, that they started talking about sex.

Sex talk and the Skid Row trailer, after the jump.

Katie: What surprised you most about Skid Row?

Pras: I met someone who said he hadn't been distracted by women in three years. That's how he stayed clean. Any little distraction and he would have slipped back. In my world, I think about sex -- I mean I don't think I think about sex like the average man does --

Which is 24/7?

Which is 24/7, I'm probably like ...

22/6?

22/6

No really, more like 22/7 right?

Yeah ... I can't lie to you -- sex was nowhere on my mind. Maybe because I was getting acclimated. But if I was there longer, I probably would have adapted.

And I surprised myself. When you're homeless a lot of things go out the window because it's all about survival. I had to do certain things I don't do. Like I'm not one of those people who smiles. It doesn't mean I'm not happy. It's just not part of my temperament. I never had to do that before. But on Skid Row, when I was looking for money, a guy said to "smile". He was gay. I'm not homophobic, far from it. Most guys would get offended. I wouldn't get offended, I just wouldn't smile. But on Skid Row when this guy offered me $5 to smile, I'm thinking, I have to eat. So I smiled for him. And another woman said to me, "Come on brother, it can't be that bad. Smile." And I smiled for her too.

See the Scanner post here, and read the full interview on AlterNet.

In Other Blogs, 4.14.08: Cake, Cunnilingus and Heidi Klum

Nicole Ankowski — Mon, 14 Apr 2008 20:59:00 GMT

It’s Cake (or steak, or salad) and Cunnilingus Day over at the Scanner - but whatever you choose to snack on today, make sure you check out all the sexy and crazy going down on this fine Monday. To wit: An Italian porn star does politics; a mostly naked Heidi Klum; the best way to get a one-night stand to make a hasty retreat; and the Marilyn Monroe sex tape you’ll probably never get to see. Also: fingers crossed that somehow this is true and Al Gore will finally be able to save America like he always wanted to.

Over at yon Screengrab, it’s confirmed: Werner Herzog is one great big mystery wrapped in an enigma, wrapped up in bacon and enveloped in strange interview responses; James Cagney still kicks ass and takes names; an awkward breakfast with Bud Cort; and a cause worth supporting. Also: file this under “Sweet merciful crap WHY IS THIS HAPPENING”: a fourth Austin Powers movie? Are you freaking kidding? …Sigh.

The Nerve Video Blog continues to have their metaphorical muffins buttered by Senator Obama, even especially when he has to awkwardly schmooze with a drunken American public, and across the pond, we’re not sure if Britain’s got talent, necessarily, but this dog totally freaking rules. Also wrecking the video world: hot dog pizza, Cooking with Coolio, and Bozard and the BBQ Boys. Bon appetit, y’all.

— Caitlin MacRae

In Other Blogs, 4.11.08: Friday WTF Edition

Nicole Ankowski — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 21:32:00 GMT

O my, O me…what a week it’s been! Let’s start with the Big-O: Scanner finds that the new Gossip Girl ads make you feel a little funny down there. But that’s the least of the WTF-worthy items of note:

Can you guess who has a new vagina?
Prostitution 101: class trip to the Chicken Ranch.
Is that a naked woman in Dick Cheney's sunglasses? Or is he just happy to see us?
Which Would You Rather: Rufus Wainwright's Green "Advocate" or Madonna's Green "Vanity Fair?"
“Jock Itch”: the best porno poster ever?
Bush signed torture memo: no joke. Unless the White House administration was kidding, all those times they insisted he didn’t.
Finally! An outlet for passive-aggressive note-leavers, and their prey.
Video of the Day: Pequeña Amy Winehouse.
Rape = chocolate cake?
“Extra Pillow” = prostitute?
The shitty things that happen to live, on-camera reporters: also kinda funny?
Candy Spelling sympathizes with Mommie Dearest.
Jessica Simpson decides to be super happy about little sister Ashlee's engagement to Pete Wentz.
Scary skinny Terri Hatcher performed a Carrie Underwood song on American Idol: if she weren't Terri Hatcher we might have thought it wasn't half bad.
Piss-poor Photoshoppers add third arm to Beyoncé.

On Screengrab, we wish Tina Fey was our baby mama; Paul Clark defends Uwe Boll; check out the which clique picks “Hick” flick; the Zombie Strippers trailer review; hotel dirty movie channels under siege by a clutch of conservative groups; and Blogwars!

And the Nerve Video Blog brings us Hayden Panettiere, in a very special PSA; disembodied-head Thursday, and dance-party Friday. Enjoy!

In Other Blogs, 4.8.08: Who Would You Rather?

Nicole Ankowski — Tue, 08 Apr 2008 21:19:00 GMT

Sometimes, the jokes just write themselves. Case in point: the New Zealand man being charged with assault for flinging a hedgehog at a 15-year-old boy. Then again, sometimes it’s harder to find the funny. Lucky for us, Scanner brings their A-game on the daily. Take a jaunt with them down to the Museum of Broken Relationships, where jilted lovers showcase the detritus of their failed romances; then marvel at the architectural porn that is the Finnish ice palace (like that story by F. Scott Fitzgerald! Anyone? Anyone?). But Scanner doesn’t just bring the news, they also ask the questions others are afraid to tackle, such as: How skinny is unf*ckable if you’re Jennifer Connolly? Tyra Banks vs. Jessie Spano, who’d you rather? Plus: The last supper turned hot gay orgy.

Over in Screengrab territory, we get a migraine-inducing preview of Oliver Stone’s Dubya biopic which, from the script snippets we’ve been handed, may as well be called Turdblossom and Friends; The Rep Report brings us the art house haps in three major cities; the DVD Digest gives us the skinny newly released flicks, from Munchausen to milkshakes; and finally, we get a look at Scarlett Johansson’s bone-crushingly literal album cover for her upcoming release (seriously, the only other option on the obviousness scale would be Tom Waits swaddled in a sheet.)

And lastly but not leastly, the Nerve Video Blog serves up bears playing hockey, the infamous pregnant man inviting the SNL cast to his baby shower (complete with pregnant stripper!), and an airline ad featuring hot buttered tits.

— Caitlin MacRae

In Other Blogs, 4.4.08: Friday WTF Edition

Nicole Ankowski — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 21:32:00 GMT

In addition to some Friday well-wishing that’ll take you way back to the glory days of Prince and his entourage (and deep into the dark subconscious of Scanner Nicole’s sleeping mind), Scanner brings us up to date with this week’s big gay news, including the gay naturist swimming hour, Chelsea Clinton courting the queermo constituency, E-harmony’s ludicrous bigotry, and a high school student suing for his right to be a bigot.

And as always (but especially today), Scanner brings up questions that burn hotter than a bad infection:
…Anime spooge sculptures?
Sonny Bono: was the skiing accident really a covert government assassination?
A bra made of raw bacon? We totally predicted this four days ago.
What’s better than Richard Simmons, Jimmy Kimmel, and the cowboy narrator of The Big Lebowski? (Answer: very little)
Ladies, how do you take your porn: gay, lesbian, or hetero?
Are we finally allowed to hate on Wong Kar-Wai?
And, finally, Bigfoot: benevolent myth or secret molester?

Over at the Video Blog, your cup of WTF runneth over. Between the heartbreaking tale of Permanent Nutface Gary, flying penguins, an elephant painting a self-portrait, and John McCain threatening an inquisitive youngster with the draft … well, sometimes the internets just leave us speechless.

And lastly but not leastly, today’s Screengrab offerings tops off your day in whatthef*ck, beginning with the trailer for the new Cameron Diaz-Ashton Kutcher vehicle, which might just be the film world’s fourth horseman of the apocalypse. (Seriously. Why is this allowed to happen?) Also: Have music documentaries finally gone too far? What about the seemingly endless spawning of musicals from films we actually liked once? Can the world be saved by the likes of the 48 Hour Film Project or….gasp… Wong Kar-Wai?

Tune in next week for more questions without answers!

— Caitlin MacRae

Scanner Emily Asks “WTF?” About Smiling

Nicole Ankowski — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 21:23:00 GMT

We totally feel you, Emily! And yet, when dudes do this to us on the street, we always, invariably, end up smiling. (Why? Why?)

We liked what these readers said. We also liked that someone chose the screen name “SkyPork”…

SkyPork said:
We don't always want you pedestrian babes to smile; sometimes we like that droopy eye-lidded, open-mouthed, "I'm so horny I can't think straight" expression favored by Victoria's Secret cover girls. But "smile, baby!" almost always gets better results than "make that face like you're five seconds from orgasm, baby!"

My bet is, the dicktards you pass on the street get a feeling of control when you do what they say. Plus (follow the Man-logic here carefully), if you smile because he told you to, he can take full responsibility for brightening your day. So, you see, in effect, you owe him.

jane said:
I feel similar on the smile front, part of me is immediately offended when a random man tells/asks me to smile for him(also seriously, what the eff is going through his head?), but unfortunately, I can almost never not smile in these situations, whether I feel good about it or not. It's probably just the odd, random attention.

What do you have to say on the subject? Tell us—nay, the world—here.

Someone DVR This: Pregnant Man on Oprah

Nicole Ankowski — Thu, 03 Apr 2008 17:50:00 GMT

It’s a situation countless women have dreamed about, but never thought possible…until today. Thomas Beatie, Scanner’s Dad of the Day, is carrying a child as a transgender man because his wife wasn't able to do so.

And today he’ll appear on Oprah. This should be good, because the older and richer Oprah’s gotten, the more she skips small talk with the common folk, and cuts to the chase with her questioning. (“Why are you still with him?” “Don’t you realize this all comes back to your own fears?” “What is this contraption called a ‘laundry machine’?”) What the hell will come out of her mouth? Guaranteed: nothing as interesting as what will be coming out of Thomas…

And for women who always wanted to piss standing up: Nintendo’s got something for you.

Oh yes, Scanner’s got more:

Joy: hacked Muppet video = best Rickroll ever.
Pain: The last days of Chris Farley.
M&M Gets Caught in the Act. Yeah. That act.
Scanner Emily looks cute in her cast, wedding ring.

Sex therapists like it quick and rough. (Well, they like it quick, at least. We can only guess about the roughness.) Do you agree?

And, we’re still in love with Dita Von Teese’s lesbian porn. That lady can make anything look classy!

In Other Blogs, 3.31.08: Monday News, Including “Nude Man, Charged with Having Sex with Table”

Nicole Ankowski — Mon, 31 Mar 2008 22:22:00 GMT

Remember the original Nintendo, and the awe that came along with the release of Mario 3, complete with the raccoon tail feature that enabled Mario to fly? Well even if you don’t, video blogger Oliver does, and over at the Nerve Video Blog you can get a flashback-taste of that raccoon tail, along with a disturbing clip of Grand Theft Auto IV, apparently, the new “raccoon tail” for children of today…

Meanwhile, Scanner Emily is reminding us of yet another technological advancement that makes today’s childhoods just a little more F’ed up than ours was: Facebook! How does everyone feel about the new “people you might know” feature? Well Emily has an opinion, and yes, it has everything to do with ex-boyfriend angst…

Also on Scanner: Group French kissing: recipe for the Herp? Probably, but that didn’t stop this chain of New Yorkers from trying to break the world record! Also, did you watch TV last night? Hopefully you caught Scanner’s latest Crush of The Week. Plus: Pedophile beard; the ten weirdest pizza toppings; and a man has been charged with having sex with a table. We have so many questions about this…

Over at Screengrab, it’s all gossip, gossip, gossip surrounding Oliver Stone’s developing biopic W. James Cromwell as George Bush Sr.? Jeffrey Wright as Colin Powell? Maybe yes, maybe no- one thing we do know that this little project is going to be one hell of a goodbye present for good ol’ Dubya come January… Also: who knew April 1^st wasn’t just for foolin’?; The Top Bleakest Movie Endings; and, Tintin Revealed (he’s a cutie)!

— Alexandra Godfrey

In Other Blogs, 3.28.08: Friday WTF Edition

Nicole Ankowski — Fri, 28 Mar 2008 21:22:00 GMT

They don't look fuzzy to us...

Okay, there is a huuuuge debate going on over at Scanner. Granted, the “huuuge” part of it might be in my mind, but there is a debate. And it raises the question: is Maggie Gyllenhaal sexy? (Or is Secretary the most over-rated “sexy” film of the past decade?) Scanner Brian opens this can of worms, while also bringing you the nastiest sex scenes ever. “Nasty” as in a scene which both “turns you on and repulses you at the same time.”

Also under debate: Hot or Not? Scarlett Johansson's Fuzzy Nipple. Yes, there are pictures. And video.

Plus: Tina Fey wants “Kristen” (a.k.a. Ashley Alexandra Dupre) to appear on 30 Rock. And after I volunteered my uterus for that woman…
Scanner Bryan’s hard-on threatens to smash his keyboard: Children of Men: The Television Series.
Today in Global Warming: 10 Fun Surprises.
Scanner Emily hates herself for loving Men in Trees. (We, too, have researched moving to Alaska…)
School’s out; students celebrate by having giant orgy in town square.
Then the kids went home to watch 80s cartoon moments that, back in the day, made us pee in our Ninja Turtle-footed pajamas.
It’s not just Southwest: TSA forces woman to remove her nipple rings. Yes, they used pliers.
Meet Rip Glitter, the most metal online product reviewer in history.
Kate from Lost! Before she was famous! Looking to meet singles just like you!
Dominatrix offers service discounts for Bear Stearns employees.
Miss Bimbo is just misunderstood.
Sacré Blue! French First Lady is all nekkid and shit.

The Screengrab brings us more news on the X-Files leaked trailer; also, the Deception’s trailer kind of freaks us out (Hugh Jackman? Ewan McGregor? Sex games? Michelle Williams in blood-red lipstick? WTF is going on?); Penn & Teller…get killed?; and, of course, the Ten Greatest Mentors in Movie History.

And the Nerve Video Blog also takes a look at some trailers, including The Onion Movie and Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Undead. Plus: fondue and major boobage; Wal-Mart; and one hilarious commercial that would never be aired in the United States…

In Other Blogs, 3.26.08: Amy Winehouse's Facegate!

Nicole Ankowski — Wed, 26 Mar 2008 21:53:00 GMT

Today Scanner Emily bulldozes through heaps of dirt to bring us the latest goods on the Amy Winehouse Facegate drama. Apparently, British tabbie The Sun uncovered the less-than-flattering face shots. Says Emily, “We're not the type to kick people when they're down. Nor do we want to (publicly) pick at people's flaws. So you should know we feel really bad showing you this picture of Amy Winehouse.”

Speaking of the paps, South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone’s recent Britney Spears skewering is too rich for words. We’re fine with mere mumbles.

Scanner Brian is convulsing through his “nerdgasm” as he polishes off sexy Simpsons avatars from the cast of Battlestar Galactica.

Meanwhile, FOX News staffers are convulsing with fits of a different breed. Their faux moral outrage sniff test of the satire Miss Bimbo Virtual Fashion Game has failed them yet again.

A mossback spoof of MTV’s fakality show The Hills is better than the actual show. But then again, it doesn’t take too much.

In douchebag news, Girls Gone Wild Joe Francis could be headed back to the chink.

Screengrab examines a New York magazine article on John Waters, which finds the cutting-edge auteur interested in fake rubber pies and books on Nazism; ponders whether Brad Pitt and Barack Obama were separated at birth; lambastes Entertainment Weekly’s umpteenth list, this on movie villains; and previews Kids director Harmony Korine’s new flick, Mister Lonely.

— Joey Hood

In Other Blogs, 3.21.08: Friday WTF Edition

Nicole Ankowski — Fri, 21 Mar 2008 21:22:00 GMT

well, she's kinda-sorta related to today's wtf

Today Scanner Brian has been lounging in his “family's outdoor hot tub on a lake in the Connecticut wilderness, armed with boxed wine, rifles, purified water, and four hundred-plus orgiastic packs of Canadian geese.” But he made sure to drag his laptop over to the tub and share the joy: check out Bottoms for Obama.

And we’ve got more: Alien sex. With pictures, yo.
Oh, Lindsay. Watch out for hidden cameras, girl!
Mick Jagger enlightens us to how performing onstage is like sex; but how reading a book is not at all like sex. Also: he’s skinny because he’s a “war child.” Not because he’s snorted Keith Richards’ dad.
Discover our addictive, mindless website of the Day: P.S. I'll Find My Frog.
Nerd porn perplexes, delights.
New advances in ways to exploit (er, merchandise?) Ashley Alexandra Dupre.
Do you really want to see Eva Longoria Parker nude? (How about Scarlett Johansson?)
Dave Grohl and Will Ferrell vs. a Japanese ten-year-old.
Ron Jeremy wants to destroy your YouPorn.
Paris Hilton finds the perfect hat to wear when visiting a South African orphanage.
Another intern scandal: why won’t New York learn from Bill Clinton’s mistakes?
The Onion goes full frontal. But is it as hot as Chuck Norris wearing “Chuck Norris Action Jeans”?
Science finally justifies Anna Nicole Smith’s marriage to J. Howard Marshall. For evolutionary reasons, yo.
An open letter to Iraq, from America.
And make sure to celebrate Pillow Fight 2008 tomorrow!

Screengrab examines when good directors go bad (Not Errol Morris and Lou Diamond Phillips! No!); wonders what the hell Tyler Perry is doing in panty hose; plays Truth or Dare with Ricky Gervais; and brings us the ten best (however you choose to define “best”) murderous duos in the movies…don’t’ go outside alone!

And the Nerve Video Blog discovers the most rad school project ever: a “war on terror” film made entirely from porno clips. Check it here. Also, James Franco teaches us how to emote. An internet life coach teaches us five simple ways to have better sex. We don’t really believe the Easter Bunny hates us. And see the best TV pilot that never saw the light of day.

In Other Blogs, 3.19.08: The End of the World As We Know It

Nicole Ankowski — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 20:58:00 GMT

What a whirlwind o’ activity in the bloggy netherlands. Here are some highlights from today:

Scanner Emily’s open letter to Ashley Alexandra Dupre (let her write your book, girl!).
[see also: the Ashley Alexandra Dupre Girls Gone Wild video]
Scanner Brian hates himself for loving you, Slut Machine.
Amy Winehouse gets naked, for real, for a good cause.
We’re just waiting to see what charities Heather Mills, nee McCartney, will be endowing. Besides her own closet.
Recession special: what businesses can learn from porn (and maybe Burt Reynolds).
Name those gnarly celebrity toes (for once: not Britney Spears’!).
Michael Stipe: officially gay. (Me: officially mourning the end of my fifth-grade-era dream of one day becoming Mrs. Michael Stipe. It’s the end of the world as I know it.)
Hot or Not? Madonna’s Hard Candy.
Babeland Staff: The MacGyvers of dildos?
And (surprise?) W.H. Auden was one dirty mothersucker.

Screengrab brings us the Indie box-office roundup (Snow Angels takes flight); Regal Cinemas to allow trailers with fart jokes; we’re still mourning Anthony Minghella; is 10,000 B.C. director Roland Emmerich’s mom is his harshest critic?; and (yes! yes! yes!) the new Street Fighter movie has been cast.

And the Nerve Video Blog brings us a fabulous procrastination tool; “Braa! Braa! It's the Melon Song!” (don’t ask—just watch); video from Tibet; and the Army’s annual “Bring Your Daughter to War Day.”

In Other Blogs, 3.17.08: Holy Effing Hell

Nicole Ankowski — Mon, 17 Mar 2008 22:17:00 GMT

Is my subject line a tad extreme? You be the judge. We’ve got a ton of funny, odd, and hot bits o’ pop culture for you today…but Scanner brings the most insane news report I’ve ever seen, involving semen in hair:

“A 21-year old woman is suing American Airlines for failing to protect her from involuntarily and unknowingly joining the mile high club. Apparently as the women slept during her flight from LA to Dallas, she got more than just beauty sleep. 20 minutes before the flight landed, the woman woke up to discover that a man had moved into the seat next to her, was looking at her, and masturbating. The woman responded my turning towards the window and nervously running her fingers through her hair when, in a There's Something About Mary moment (no, not the franks and beans one), she realized she had ‘a substantial amount of an extremely sticky substance in her hair.’”

Read all about it here.

In other, less horrifying news: see the best photo of Tori Spelling and the Target dog, ever! (plus, her boobs are fake); we say goodbye to Halle Berry’s glorious (and real) pregnancy breasts; learn how to save your relationship…and burn 300 calories; why philandering politicians better be careful if they marry a babe from Spain; Asia Argento threatens to stop doing nude scenes; a Chicago teen says foil just as good as condoms; maybe the Lesbian Park Rangers can help him out; the sexy women of Bollywood almost make us leave the audio on; and some awesome, awesome pics of shamrock pasties and more St. Patrick’s Day sexiness. Or, at the very least, some dude with a green beard…

The Screengrab brings us a St. Paddy’s Day special: singing Irishmen! Also check out: the trailer review of Meet Bill (“Jessica Alba — enjoy your stardom while it lasts, because once you can't coast on your looks anymore, you're going to be in a world of trouble”); the pervert’s guide to cinema; and the SxSW review of Full Battle Rattle.

And the Nerve Video Blog wears its green on its sleeve, bringing you a St. Patrick’s Day video feast featuring Miller’s Crossing; “Danny Boy” performed by the Muppets; Dennis Leary and Sinead O’Connor singing traditional Irish songs (not together, sadly); and somebody else with a song about potatoes. Plus: the sexiness of The L Word; the sexiness of Jonah Hill dating Andy Samberg’s dad; celebrities favorite curse words (yep, they say ‘em out loud!); and the return of 90210 causes Oliver to curse…

In Other Blogs, 3.14.08: Friday WTF Edition

Nicole Ankowski — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 21:45:00 GMT

Today Scanner discovered the most glorious way to waste your time ever (or, at least in the last twelve hours)…You’ll want to make the acquaintance of Flickrvision. I’ll let Scanner Bryan explain:

“Holy Shinola, people -- have you seen Flickrvision yet? It's pretty much the best thing we've ever seen, and we were at a bachelor party this weekend.

Basically, it's a Google Maps mashup where photos are geo-located on a world map, one at a time, within a minute of their being uploaded onto Flickr. No nudity or anything -- it is Flickr, after all -- but in the 4 minutes that we spent hypnotized by it, we caught some hockey, adorable Indian kids, Bill Gates, SXSW, the other night's Justice show at MSG, Noel from The Mighty Boosh, and a bunch of plants in Wales. Oh, and this pic, which comes to you directly from a freaking war zone.”

Other nearly-as-glorious wastes of time: see what happens when you mix Snoop Dogg with Ashley Alexandra Dupre; it’s a sensual seduction!; check out great reviews of bad movies; the video of the day: gay pink stick figures; Pi Day; deep thoughts on hipster sexuality; and meet Sarah Jessica Porkher.

Screengrab continues with the SxSW love, with reviews of Second Skin, Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay and more; plus, see Norah Jones in the My Blueberry Nights trailer.

And the Nerve Video Blog brings us the “Top Five Trio Scenes” in movie history (that’s threesomes, in plain English); an art film of zits being popped; Harry Potter puppets; and Horton Hears a Who! And we have heard enough WTF for today...

In Other Blogs, 3.12.08: Joe Francis, and the Attack of the Killer Tomatoes

Nicole Ankowski — Wed, 12 Mar 2008 22:03:00 GMT

It’s not just for coffee-house lovers: Scanner brings us yet another reason why people will be flocking to Amsterdam. (Just make sure your dog’s on a leash…even if you are not.) The crew also takes a look at Photoshop nightmares — don’t believe everything you see on the internet, people. Scanner Emily does, in fact, have two breasts…and two nostrils...

Also check out: women’s history…with porn stars; a political sex scandal “Who Would You Rather?”; can you name that bush?; nudism through the ages; why John McCain’s daughter is the best thing to come out of the GOP; and watch out, ladies! Joe Francis is free, and probably wants to see your boobies. He probably calls ‘em that, too…

Screengrab brings us SxSw film awards roundups and reviews; the Wall-E trailer restores our faith in Pixar; and—watch out!—the Attack of the Killer Tomatoes returns. No, it’s not about GMO crops…

And the Nerve Video Blog brings us a whole new world (over, sideways, AND under!); the best X-Box commercial ever; rejected cartoons… and real-life rejected cartoons! That’s cheese on your face, dude…

In Other Blogs, 3.10.08: Robert Downey, Jr., The Church of England, and Danger Shoes!

Nicole Ankowski — Mon, 10 Mar 2008 20:20:00 GMT

The ever vigilant Scanner bloggers bring us the latest & greatest (& sexiest) breaking news: The Church of England makes the shocking revelation that, gasp, penis-in-vagina is the most direct way to pregnancy; contemplating National Abortion Provider Appreciation Day in a country that keeps trying to tell your vagina what to do; a former Scientologist exposes the bizarre details of Tom Cruise’s “alleged” sham marriage (yawn?); Brian Christian hates on the Bourne; and Who’d You Rather: Old and Crazy Legends Edition. And in the Scanner shorties: politicians and hookers join forces once again for another ho-hum scandal; Google gets cocky and insults your junk, and… danger shoes (don’t do ’em)!

Screengrab takes us up in its interwebbed arms and whisks us away to the SxSW fest we all wish we were attending, giving us the lowdown on two documentaries: one exploring the segregated Mardi Gras celebrations of Mobile, Alabama, the other looking at the effects of Bush’s cowboy act on the once-invisible Crawford, TX. Also of note: George Romero decries the highly unrealistic trope of the speedy zombie, Cyndi Lauper reminds us that goonies never say die, and more weigh-ins on Robert Downey, Jr.’s twitter-inducing role in Tropic Thunder – edgy and original, or worthy of Soul Man-esque cringing?

And all up in the Nerve Video Blog, we find out what happens when the silent half of Pen & Teller is left alone in Vegas with zombie hordes; watch a stuntman blow an audition; realize that snuggling and drumming kittens make bad days better; experience the glory of The Waldo Ultimatum, and bust out all kinds of Hallelujah.

— Caitlin M.

In Other Blogs, 3.7.08: Getting Lost with Lost

Nicole Ankowski — Fri, 07 Mar 2008 22:10:00 GMT

Scanner hits us with the hard questions, like: why does Hurley remain pleasantly plump, while running around on a virtually foodless island? I have wondered the same thing myself, because all the Survivor kids become gaunt and sand-encrusted within three days....

Do you have your own questions for Lost? If so, check out what (the f*ck) happens next in Lost.

Also check out how Zach Braff went from making indie films, winning America’s heart whilst wearing Scrubs, and making out with Natalie Portman, to…this guy; how Paris Hilton punked the paparazzi; what celebrities would look like if they moved to Missouri; Kate Hudson’s ass (why not?); we shake our fingers (and our heels) at Glamour; porn stars celebrate international women’s day; why Scanner Nicole (and this Nicole) would never want to be pregnant in outer space; and gonna be in Vienna on May 11^th with nothing to do? Take off your clothes and become art, man.

In honor of this weekend’s opening The Bank Job, Screengrab brings us the top five true-crime films; in honor (?) of 10,000 B.C., the guys also bring us forgotten gems like 1981’s Caveman; the trailer, and trailer review, of Where in the World is Osama Bin Laden?; and just for the hell of it, the Twelve Greatest Opening Credits in Movie History.

And the Nerve Video Blog brings us some Friday Hallelujahs, lion lovin’, and “The Waldo Ultimatum.” He’s not as hot as Jason Bourne, but he rocks a striped sweater like no other.

In Other Blogs, 3.6.08: Buffy Loves the Ladies...

Nicole Ankowski — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 21:06:00 GMT

Even though the cult classic television series Buffy the Vampire Slayer boasted a lesbonic Wiccan best friend (played by cutie-pie Alyson Hannigan), the hero herself never dabbled in the vaginal arts. But Scanner serves us the inside dish on the Buffy the Vampire Slayer comic book series, which recently featured the titular character’s first same-sex tryst...

“It puts the reader in this ‘Oh my God’ moment,” perpetually genius Buffy creator Joss Whedon said. And just think what it will do for under-stimulated comic book geeks.

Also, Scanner Brian hates himself loving you, Hayden Paniettiere. And he has the photographic proof to back it up. Scanner also just kind plain hates the Kardashians (though we love their butts!). Plus, check out the L Word Lady of the Week; old-school Susan Sarandon boobs; reports from inside the douchebag trial; and Songs in the Key of Craigslist.

Over at the Nerve Video Blog, Red State Update’s Dunlap and Jackie are skewering another feminist icon, Hillary Clinton.

“It’s not that we want Obama to win,” Dunlap tells us with his tongue firmly implanted in cheek, “it’s just that we want him to humiliate and destroy Hillary Clinton.”

Also check out: hot lion lovin’; crazy Japanese political candidates; and the crazy genius of Will Arnett.

While we’re on the subject of feminism, Screengrab’s John Constantine is raving about Radar’s recent roundup of the most misogynistic movies of the past eight years. We’re guessing that Radar writer Amy Monaghan stuffed her list with cutting remarks on Eli Roth’s icky torture porn fetish. Meanwhile, in other Nerve news, The Modern Materialist is keeping the patriarchy afloat this week by investing in a pair of brass grundles.

— Joey Hood

New on Nerve, 3.5.08: 10 Reasons the Recession Will Rock Your Love Life

Nicole Ankowski — Wed, 05 Mar 2008 21:31:00 GMT

You haven’t lived until you’ve been part of a brainstorming session for the top ten ways the recession will rock your love life. Ok, I admit it, I clammed up…

Tina Fey, how do you make the funny all the time? I think, if shameful memory serves, I just kept saying #2 works because apartments are so tiny you can easily fall on someone’s d*ck. Thank the dating gods that Caitlin M., economist, sexologist and Nerve intern, came to the rescue.

Here’s the real #2:

Tinier apartments lead to accidental sex.
Since rents never seem to drop with the rest of the market, you’ll need to downgrade from that sturdy loft to a tiny railroad apartment whose walls seem to actually amplify your neighbors’ late-night viewing choices. Might as well seize the opportunity to accidentally on purpose touch one of your five roommates’ breasts while reaching around her to grab your coffee mug in the morning. With everyone unemployed and starved for a little human contact – and the unpaid electric bill shrouding you in darkness -- you can get away with more than usual.

Check out all ten, right here.

In Other Blogs, 3.3.08: Erotic Falconry, Naughty Cats, and...This Chick

Nicole Ankowski — Mon, 03 Mar 2008 23:40:00 GMT

So, we learned new things about elves and cats today. Amazingly, both involve sex. And photographic evidence. (Okay, the cat's on video...but still...)

Today, Scanner brings us the best (worst?) of LARPing erotica and the sexual habits of animals – from erotic falconry, world of warcraft porn, and “drunken kiwi women ravaging the shire” to videos of masturbating cats, we are left continually speechless. Also of note: A Catholic charity worker doing the lord’s work by offering alms in exchange for sex, brides-to-be going apeshit for cheap dresses, and dudes trying to get off with household appliances. You’re welcome.

Screengrab weighs in on Jack Nicholson’s really creepy Hillary support video, there’s a critical examination of the heist caper in film, and gives you the skinny on how to be a creepster and purchase proximity to Scarlett Johansson. Also: calling bullshit on other top ten lists, and a leaked X-Files Movie teaser gives superfans cause to go change their unmentionables.

All up in the internets, Nerve Video offers up an old-timey look at how editorial meetings at Us Weekly must go down, every small-town blogger’s fantasy, and freakish overuse of the word “swede.” Best in Show: A three minute blooper reel from Superbad. There’s just something about Michael Cera that hits us right in the love bone.

And, finally but no less classily, The Modern Materialist busts out with accessories inspired by bacon and gum balls…

— Caitlin M.

In Other Blogs, 2.29.08: A Leapin’ Friday WTF Edition

Nicole Ankowski — Fri, 29 Feb 2008 22:45:00 GMT

How can we not begin with Scanner, and this little item of note: Kate Beckinsale has a special pet name for her privates...

No, there are no vajayjays in Beckinsale’s world…only the lucky few can gain entrance to the “Pharoah’s Tomb.” In her own words: “My best feature is unfortunately a private matter. Although I'm told it is spectacular."

Pharoah's Tomb! To be fair, she also mouthed the word “twat.” We love a girl who can talk dirty, but still compare her junk to ancient Egyptian architecture. Oh, the British!

Also, it turns out that the Southwest Airlines-scandalized “too hot to fly” girls are actually not that hot; meet the gay twin acrobats of Columbia University; Ms. Pac-Man – feminist hero!; a Hillary-Barack Choose-Your-Own-Adventure; and ride along with a Mother Jones journalist as she goes undercover with sugar daddies. Delicious!

The Screengrab reviews the latest films, like Chop Shop and City of Men, and looks forward to Iron Man starring Robert Downey Jr. (“as Jon Favreau is deftly proving with each new glimpse of his upcoming Iron Man flick, Robert Downey Jr. is even more awesome when he’s the one causing things to explode.”) We also look at the five most intriguing SxSW trailers; five films about the year 1968; and a brief guide to this year’s Academy Award’s outrages. Nobody puts Whoopi in a corner; nobody!

And the Nerve Video Blog can’t tell if Scarlett Johansson and Natalie Portman in the same room make us feel faint because of their combined hotness, or because they are the most uncharismatic interviewees alive. Plus: The Daily Show rocks; the “Baseball Boogie” rolls; Starbucks closes; Barack Obama drops it like it’s hot. Or at least like it’s lukewarm.

In Other Blogs, 2.27.08: Scanner Asks the Deep Questions…

Nicole Ankowski — Wed, 27 Feb 2008 22:46:00 GMT

Have you met Carlizina Jolectron? She is, apparently, the hottest woman…not actually alive. I’ll let Scanner introduce her: she is a “computer generated combination of Angelina Jolie's hair and lips, Carmen Electra's eyes, and Charlize Theron's nose.” I’ll also let Scanner Nicole sum up: “When people are hacking body parts from Fergie to illustrate female perfection, we are in trouble.”

Also, Scanner asks the deep questions. Such as: Is K-Fed an evil genius? Did Mike Huckabee win over Tyra Banks…and her gays? Is The L Word a fountain of hot-youthfulness for aging actresses? Does anyone else think Stephin Merritt from the Magnetic Fields is not, technically, wearing all brown here? Am I the only one who’s never gotten the “piss shivers”? Can Prince make even his hip replacement sexxxy (ooh, titanium)? And do we care that Sienna Miller and her boyfriend Rhys Ifans have joined the Mile-High Club? (Do we even know who Rhys Ifans is?)

Can you take any more? If so, check out all that Scanner has to offer, here.