Nerve Insider : horoscopes

New on Nerve, 5.19.08: Horoscopes

Peter Smith — Mon, 19 May 2008 19:38:00 GMT

Feeling vulnerable? Check out our horoscopes:

Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)
You may have a reputation for being as emotionally sturdy as baby seals are adorable (read: very), but don't let maintaining your street cred get in the way of maintaining your mental health. Because much like those fuzzy, big-eyed baby creatures, you need a little protection now and then from the brutal world of capitalism, interpersonal relationships and murderous roving walruses.

Not a Taurus? Click here for your horoscope.

New on Nerve, 5.12.08: Horoscopes

Peter Smith — Mon, 12 May 2008 18:02:00 GMT

Need some springtime guidance? Check out our horoscopes:

Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)
It's finally edging toward kite-flying weather, and your mood's swinging just as high as those whimsical paper-and-string contraptions. But make sure that you keep at least a part of yourself firmly planted on the soil — be it an elbow, a baby toe, whatever — because you're gonna feel the need to get rooted sooner rather than later. Mercury's gonna hit retrograde later next week, and while the skies are more or less sunny from here to there, it doesn't hurt to batten down the proverbial hatches a bit early. Plus, that kite string has enough uses to keep you and yours fully entertained in mildly stormy weather.

Not a Taurus? Click here for your horoscope.

New on Nerve, 5.5.08: Horoscopes

Nicole Ankowski — Mon, 05 May 2008 22:10:00 GMT

Torn between Tequila shots and margaritas as the perfect Cinco de Mayo thirst-quencher? Perhaps this week’s horoscopes will show you the way…

Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
You like to believe that there's not a single situation you can't wriggle your way out of — or into. And even though your ability to procure fake passports or swing onto rooftops with just a bucket and six feet of rope borders on genius, here's a gentle astrological reminder that you have neither a stunt double nor good insurance, so take it easy this week. The new moon on May 5th is easily going to be the best shakeup your life has seen so far — from bedroom to boardroom, you're finally going to get the break you've been craving. Living on the fly is fun and all, but you'll find that a little security — in your brain and in your wallet — is just what you need to gear up for the next big adventure.

Not a big, bad Aries? Find your sign here.

New on Nerve, 4.28.08: Horoscopes

Peter Smith — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 15:51:00 GMT

Need a little guidance? Look to our horoscopes:

Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)
At the beginning of this week, Venus is going to ride all up into your Sun sign, naked on a clamshell, which is a fabulous portent for your romantic liaisons. But while you're busy shaking down the sexy folks you've got lined up, keep in mind how important it is to show yourself a little love now and then. You're not one to be bothered with aesthetic expectations, but a nice back rub or a bubble bath will do wonders for all that tension you've got stored up in your shoulders — not to mention your flexibility.

Not a Taurus? Find your sign here.

New on Nerve, 4.21.08: Horoscopes

Peter Smith — Mon, 21 Apr 2008 14:49:00 GMT

Need a little guidance? Look to our horoscopes:

Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)
Remember those models of log cabins we used to make out of toothpicks in honor of Honest Abe's humble beginnings? You won't have to make those anymore, but you will start to feel more like a pioneer, striking out in search of uncharted territory. Even if "uncharted territory" just means going to bars in which you haven't already smooched more than half of the regular patrons, it will be a good start. Sunday's full moon may be nudging you towards commitment even more than your married friends already do, but it's probably best to take small steps in that regard — like dating people for reasons other than how good they look in a stovepipe hat.

Not a Taurus? Find your sign here.

New on Nerve, 4.14.08: Horoscopes

Nicole Ankowski — Mon, 14 Apr 2008 14:38:00 GMT

Is Turbotax not returning your frantic, last-minute e-mails? Look to our horoscopes for a little advice:

Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
Last week was all about getting your paper straight, but starting on Monday you can look forward to talking with the taxman about poetry, or at least something more personally fulfilling than number crunching. Mercury’s getting cozy with Neptune, and the ripples from their celestial nuzzling will unleash your inner avant-garde. Whether you find yourself interpreting punk rock in a unitard, finally settling down to write that short story, or painting your lover’s body with beet juice, any creative act will crackle with your fierce, independent vision. Of course, the full moon is always an emotional time for you, so make sure you’re surrounded by supportive folk on the 20th — even someone as headstrong as you needs assurance that your crocheted homage to Elvis definitely belongs at the Whitney.

Not an Aries? Find your sign here.

New on Nerve, 4.7.08: Horoscopes

Nicole Ankowski — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 15:43:00 GMT

The tax man on your mind? Look to our horoscopes for a little life- and money-advice:

Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
Right now, it's like the universe is channeling the indomitable spirit of Ol' Dirty Bastard, all but singing out, "Baby, I got your money." Because you're such an impulsive little thing, sorting out your finances and planning ahead don't exactly set your heart aflutter. But with Mercury out of retrograde, you're going to feel ready to take on a few grown-up-style challenges, and you'll do it with more moxie than ever before. As you get used to doing things the responsible way, you're going to meet people with a lot more ambition than you're used to — don't ditch your old friends, but don't feel guilty for screwing around above your tax bracket, either.

Not an Aries? Find your sign here. The best ODB/Mariah Carey song ever? Check it after the jump...

New on Nerve, 3.31.08: Horoscopes

Nicole Ankowski — Mon, 31 Mar 2008 14:31:00 GMT

Those crazy kids: only the Nerve horoscope writers would commune with the heavens and come back to earth carrying news of a teddy-bear straight jacket. You gotta love it. Check out your week’s horoscopes, here.

Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)
Restrictive, fuzzy and mysterious aren't just apt descriptions of a straight-jacket made of teddy bears; they're also the perfect adjectives for your love life this week. Whether you're in a relationship, on the prowl, or stoked to be flying solo, your objectives and desires are going to feel all muddled, like there's some big emotional tsunami on the rise that you can see but can't run from. And even though unleashing your insecurities on suspecting passersby sounds really satisfying, you'll feel more together if you draw up a little list of what's got you down, and then set it on fire.

New on Nerve, 3.24.08: Horoscopes

Nicole Ankowski — Mon, 24 Mar 2008 14:54:00 GMT

Are you all ready for the rebirth of the earth this Spring, but unsure how best to cultivate your own personal awakenings? Check out this week’s horoscopes for guidance:

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Critical mass isn't just a cute term monopolized by the fixed-gear bike riding set — it's also a pretty perfect description of your week to come. Even though Jupiter and Uranus are scheming to have your week literally begin and end with a bang, you're going to feel like every situation that arises is fraught with bat-shit levels of insanity. But don't fret too much: like our good friend Dwight Schrute, you understand that the best way to get ahead is to form an alliance. Lucky for you, people looking to help relieve your tension won't be in short supply.

Not an Aquarius? Find your sign here.

New on Nerve, 3.17.08: Horoscopes

Nicole Ankowski — Mon, 17 Mar 2008 14:39:00 GMT

Happy St. Patrick’s Day! Whether you were born and bred on the Emerald Isle, or are just Irish for the day…everyone needs a little astrological advice to get you through the fabulous, Guinness-fueled holiday…

Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
Through this week's haze of watery green beer, you'll reevaluate some of your choices, from the fake Irishman you smooched outside the bodega, to the drinks you know you can't afford. You've always been impulsive, but just because you're the baby of the astrological chart doesn't mean the universe is going to bail you out forever. Plus, there's something undeniably hot about people who've got their shit together — take a page from the type-A handbook, and get cracking.

Not an Aries? Find your own sign right here.

New on Nerve, 3.10.08: Horoscopes

Nicole Ankowski — Mon, 10 Mar 2008 16:08:00 GMT

What’s the best soundtrack to your life? Which celeb frenemy duo do you most resemble? Find out in this week’s horoscopes:

Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)
You started strong last week, cleaning the house, going to the gym and blasting "Champagne Supernova" on your car radio. This week you'll keep rocking your college-rock-from-five-years-ago lifestyle, but in more melancholy fashion. May I suggest the heartbreaking melodies of Coldplay to nurture your angst about the once-unbreakable friendship that February destroyed? Don't spend too much time worrying though — if Nicole and Paris can rekindle their flame, you and your ex-bestie can, too.

Not a bully-bull? Check out your own horoscope, right here.

New on Nerve, 3.3.08: Horoscopes

Nicole Ankowski — Mon, 03 Mar 2008 17:34:00 GMT

Would Gossip Girl qualify as a “prep-school punk”? I’m not sure, but it’s a nice excuse to post their pretty pics. Are you looking for nice excuses to explain your life, as well? Check out this week’s horoscopes…

Leo (July 22-Aug. 22)
You've heard the phrase, "March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb"? Well this month you'll be raging in and out and all over the place like the king of the jungle you are. This will begin with a fierce mid-week burst of energy — you won't need any excuse to party like a prep-school punk starting on Wednesday and carrying straight on into the weekend. Just keep an eye on your pride.

Not a Leo? Find your own astrological awesomeness, right here.

New on Nerve, 2.25.08: Horoscopes

Nicole Ankowski — Mon, 25 Feb 2008 16:23:00 GMT

Need a little direction in your life? Trying to decide between the blonde, brunette, or redhead? Check out this week’s horoscopes for a little astrological assistance? Check out the Nerve horoscopes. Here’s a sneak-peek for Sag:

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
February 24 has hit you hard, Sag. Spend a little time by yourself. Run a hot bath and read that dusty book of Jewel poetry; watch How I Met Your Mother reruns on TiVo. In short, do whatever it takes to feel re-energized for March. It's like spring cleaning for your eternal soul a few months early.

Not a Sagittarius? Find your own horoscope, here.

New on Nerve, 2.18.08: Horoscopes

Nicole Ankowski — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 15:45:00 GMT

Ah, you gotta love horoscopes which feature the term “shitstorm” in them…Check out what the planets have in store for you this week. Here’s a lil’ taste of Virgo:

The Godfather trilogy, Gilgamesh, the occasional foray into fantasy metal — you like epic stuff, as a rule. But this week, the dragon's going to be slaying you, dear Virgo. Leading up to the lunar eclipse on the 20th, you're going to feel a dark and foreboding shadow of panic passing over the mighty kingdom that has been your life. But mixed metaphors aside, this is going to be a rough week, so decide what's worth keeping, what's worth losing, and whether you actually want to keep that sexy elf by your side.

Not born August 23 through September 21? Check our your own horoscope here. Eleven out of twelve signs guaranteed not to have the word “shitstorm” in their future…

New on Nerve, 2.11.08: Horoscopes

Nicole Ankowski — Mon, 11 Feb 2008 16:10:00 GMT

You don’t want to disturb our horoscope writers when they’re interpreting the mysteries of the universe. They moan over Mercury, prattle on about Pluto, and really bitch at you if there’s no fresh coffee…it’s hard work, interpreting the celestial mysteries! But they do it all for you, and come up with little gems like this:

Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
You tend to take more mental vacations than the head of the current administration, but instead of starting wars, you hunker down and harness your creative energy. If you feel the need to stay in all week and work on that pasta sculpture, Krazy Glue away. And if your lover can't understand your need to construct a life-sized Rudyard Kipling out of fusilli, it might be time to cut them loose.

What’s your sign? Check ‘em all out here.

New on Nerve, 2.4.08: Horoscopes

Nicole Ankowski — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 17:07:00 GMT

Does Snoop Dogg read his horoscope each week? We bet he does…how else has he been so successful? Read this week’s horoscopes and see what’s in store for you. Here’s a sneak peek for some of you fire signs:

Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
In the immortal words if Snoop Dogg, you got to get yours, but fool, I gotta get mine. But this week, much to the delight of everyone around you, you're going to be in a giving mood, dropping affection and inhibitions like it ain't no thang. And not only will you have the personal satisfaction of being more giving and game than usual, your enthusiasm will inspire others to hop on the love train as well.

Not an Aries? Check out the key to your own personal destiny, right here.

New on Nerve, 1.28.08: Horoscopes

Nicole Ankowski — Mon, 28 Jan 2008 16:11:00 GMT

The stars have spoken…check out the forecast for your week ahead, and find out which sign should “flaunt their Bea Arthurs proudly.” Here’s a Scorpio sampler:

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
As a Scorpio, you're used to using your sexuality to communicate your needs to others. This week, though, planetary alignment suggests working on getting your needs met in other ways, from carrier pigeons to smoke signals to a well-placed note on the nightstand. It would behoove you to let people know not just what you need, but how you want it done. Your body's a smooth talker on its own, but without some verbal direction you'll find yourself harboring misplaced resentment.

Not a Scorpio? Find your sign here.

New on Nerve, 1.14.08: Sweet Horoscopes

Nicole Ankowski — Mon, 14 Jan 2008 20:05:00 GMT

New week, new horoscopes…see what those celestial bodies above have in store for our celestial bodies down here. Here’s a sneak peak:

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
If normally the only bright spot in your midweek evenings is Project Runway, then by God: a) get a DVR so you can leave the house and, b) get excited for this week. The stars predict a romantic Wednesday night revelation. Already attached? Then design a sexy outfit for your partner to wear. If you're no seamstress and it falls to pieces (like that Twizzlers getup almost did), all the better.

Not a Capricorn? See what the future holds for your sign, right here.

Playing Catch-Up: Film Reviews and Photo Galleries

Sarah — Wed, 02 Jan 2008 17:00:00 GMT

The Nerve Insider was on vacation last week and we missed some great content. Let’s catch up…

- Monday’s horoscopes told Taurus to get ready for the mile-high club.

- On Friday we had two photo galleries, one of men smoking and one film-inspired woman. Something for everyone here…

- Also on Friday, film reviews. There Will Be Blood is “certainly some sort of masterpiece;” Persepolis “remains a great work;” The Orphanage “is eminently watchable.”

- On Thursday we got dating advice from Polar Bears. No, not real polar bears, silly! These cold-loving humans told us that “sex in the water is the best — you're like a fish.” Noted. But we may wait ‘til summer to test this one out.

New on Nerve, 12.17.2007: Horoscopes

Sarah — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 19:00:00 GMT

It wouldn’t be Monday without horoscopes. Communication is on the up-and-up this week. Scorpios and Pisces will have the best luck using their words; Cancers will have the most luck in love. Read your horoscope here.

New on Nerve, 12.10.07: Horoscopes

Sarah — Mon, 10 Dec 2007 16:37:00 GMT

Monday means horoscopes at Nerve.

Aires: “Now is be the time to try hula-hoop belly dancing, or enroll in a photography class at the local university.”

Leo: “The stars are sure to align and present you with your own romantic movie-star moment. Kissing in the rain optional.”

Capricorn: “The dancing vortexes and quasars in the astrological calendar give you a much-needed boost in charisma this week.”

Read the complete forecast here.

New on Nerve, 12.3.2007: Horoscopes

Sarah — Mon, 03 Dec 2007 16:30:00 GMT

Monday means horoscopes at Nerve. What do the stars say about your life? Capricorn, Aquarius and Gemini, your romantic prospects are looking up. Taurus and Geminis should expect additional moolah to flow their way. Read your complete horoscope here.

New on Nerve, 11.26.2007: Horoscopes

Sarah — Mon, 26 Nov 2007 19:30:00 GMT

Life is full of questions. Fortunately, the stars have the answers. Wondering about your romantic prospects? Here’s a teaser: this week Sagittarius and Gemini have extra sweet love lives filled with whipped cream and waffles. Who knew the stars were so into breakfast food? Click here to read your full horoscope.

Nerve Horoscopes

Sarah — Tue, 20 Nov 2007 16:13:00 GMT

This week Uranus turns direct. For Sagittarius this means a romantic weekend; Taurus can expect a creative high at the end of the week; Scorpio can will meet someone unexpected. Perhaps you’ll bump into an old high school sweetie when you visit your parents for Thanksgiving? Only the stars know... Read all the horoscopes here.

New on Nerve, 11.12.2007: Horoscopes

Sarah — Mon, 12 Nov 2007 15:57:00 GMT

Feeling a little confused this Monday morning? Let the Nerve horoscopes be your guide. Here’s a sample of what the stars told us this week: Scorpios can look forward to a corner office next year, barring any holiday party mishaps, Cancers’ social lives receive an uptick this week and Libras’ creativity peaks, so pause your DVR and get crackin’! For full horoscopes, go here.