Nerve Insider

New on Nerve, 5.22.08: Dating Advice From…Voiceover Artists

Nicole Ankowski — Thu, 22 May 2008 16:43:00 GMT

I used to do voiceover work…and you know what? This is totally true. Much like in life, a smile can change everything:

What's the best way to sound sexy on the phone?
You know how you can hear it when a person is smiling? It literally changes the tone of your voice. You use different muscles. Same goes for posture. Lie down, turn the lights low and voila.

As can lying down and turning off the lights. Check out more Dating Advice From…Voiceover Artists right here.

Wii Wants to Get in Shape?

Nicole Ankowski — Wed, 21 May 2008 19:54:00 GMT

Will the Wii Fit replace my beloved yoga teacher Janice? Can a video game help you lose weight and work on your abs? Check out 61 Frames Per Second’s first review of Nintendo’s Wii Fit. We can’t wait to see John Constantine try it.

John, we want pictures of you doing the downward dog…

Want to Wear Hayden Panettiere's Used Clothes…For a Good Cause?

Nicole Ankowski — Wed, 21 May 2008 19:35:00 GMT

Wanna be a hero…or just get to know one? The Modern Materialist shows you how: check out how you get close, really close, to Heroes’ hottie Hayden Panettiere. Or, you know, wear her used clothes…

Also check out:
The $58,000 Personal Helicopter: wear a helmet!
The incredible, edible, chocolate…anus. No need to wear a helmet.
Deal of the day: Guitar Hero 3 for $60, Rock Band for $100.
Silent Dog Tags: for actual dogs.
Wendy’s guide to Chicago Shopping: plus, an ultra-cute picture of ultra-cute Wendy.
So you already own a $58,000 Personal Helicopter, and the $50,000 turntable, and now you want to build your own under-the-sea community? Steph brings you the perfect accessories.
Or, for the rest of us: ten deals under $10.
Wondering if you’ve got mail? But this and you’ll know, fo’ sho.
Sweet-ass places to park your booty.
Let the sunshine in: add a solar panel to your Prius!
Cheap trick for a cheap Penguin.
Worth the splurge? Pottery Barn’s Daily System.
And Wendy brings you: 80's Things That are Popular Again that I'm Too Old to Pull Off. (We think she can pull of neon.)

New on Nerve, 5.21.08: Miss Information

Peter Smith — Wed, 21 May 2008 18:00:00 GMT

This week, Miss Info cracks open a pint of Ben & Jerry's for a recently dumped reader in need of some comfort. First she offers a disclaimer:

How do I get over a heartbreak? Poorly. Same as everybody else.

But she's also got some useful tips:

I guess one thing I consistently do that I haven't observed in everybody else — or at least a good number of people who write me letters — is that I don't have a lot of contact with my exes. Interacting with them right after the breakup is bad news, I've found. It always inflicts pain on one or more parties. When it doesn't, it's a temporary sort of pleasure that you have regrets about the next morning, week, etc. as the complications set in. Like eating McDonald's.

Read the whole column here, you poor lovelorn sods.

Dating Confession of the Day, 5.21.08:

Nicole Ankowski — Wed, 21 May 2008 14:49:00 GMT

Just in time for summer:

“I've really never been into giving blow jobs before but...I'm saving the last popsicle in my freezer so that when you get here I can rub it on your dick and then lick all the melty sweet yumminess. I got it bad for you.”

Do you like to play with food? Give us the dish in the Nerve Dating Confessions.

From the Archives: "Brave New World" by Mike Albo

Nicole Ankowski — Tue, 20 May 2008 21:11:00 GMT

Every once in a while, you stumble upon a piece of writing that makes you feel like maybe your desires are a little more legit than you’d felt before. In his essay “Brave New World,” Mike Albo explores the idea of gender monogamy, a sexual utopia in which he can have a long-term partnership with a man who is free to sleep with women on the side. I think it’s important to explore the limitations of our self-definition; even though it’s tempting to define your desires, is it keeping you from getting what you want? Approaching the topic with candor, wit and mathematical equations, Albo has touched on the kind of relationship I’ve been looking for my entire life. So, I mean, of course I love it.

Okay, fast forward to last week, a year or so later. Friend B calls and tells me how he and his boyfriend (let's call him aB) had some kind of ménage a quatre with Boy X and his friend, yX. Friend B exonerated himself from any guilt for this act by saying he didn't know that Boy X was Boy X until after their little four-way roundelay. That weekend Friend B had a party. I found myself on a rooftop with X, B, C, aB and yX. Jealous, freaked out and insane, I tried to employ the attentions of F, xG, and D(V-x) to retaliate. My life that night became a large calculus equation that I would never be able to solve.

But what do you think?

— Caitlin MacRae

Hollywood Sex Scene of the Day: Randy Spelling and Diora Baird in “Hot Tamales”

Nicole Ankowski — Tue, 20 May 2008 20:58:00 GMT

Not having seen the movie, I’m not sure what exactly “hot tamales” refers to. Though it could definitely be actress Diora Baird’s stupendous lady-humps. I’m not sure that appearing as a nice set of breasts in The Wedding Crashers constitutes a break-out role, but she had her moment with a Wilson brother. After that came 2006’s Hot Tamales, opposite Tori’s brother, Randy Spelling.

This roll-in-the-hay scene features the best line I’ve ever heard, if (a) one of you happens to be wearing camouflage underwear and if (b) the other one of you happens to be veteran…

Bet you can find some more hot tamales in Nerve’s Hollywood Sex Scene Database.

In Other Blogs: Best Mugshots Ever, Angelina Jolie’s Nipples, and More

Nicole Ankowski — Tue, 20 May 2008 20:05:00 GMT

What’s the word on the bloggin’ streets? Scanner brings the news, and the crazy:

Best. Mugshots. Ever. (Take note: best not to wear your “I love midget porn” T-shirt over the long weekend, no?)
Lil Wayne has been reading Mayan prophecies: check out what he’s learned.
Two celebs we haven’t heard from in awhile suck face in public.
If you look closely, you can see Angelina Jolie’s nipples. For reals.
Penthouse owns online Christian dating sites. Also for reals.
Meet the new DC Comics character, Shy Crazy Lolita Canary.
Guess which Star Trek star will take advantage of California’s new gay marriage law? Live long and prosper! All this and so much more at your Daily Scanner.

Over at the Screengrab, we’ve got Joan Collins dishing on why Sean Connery never walked in one her naked body painted gold (and other deep thoughts on the James Bond franchise); Shreveport, Louisiana: not just for birthin’ Spears’ kids!; are you Jaman?; David Bowie calls “bullshit” on stage musical version of The Man Who Fell to Earth; and check out the latest from Cannes.

The Modern Materialist brings us the most evil calculator ever (don’t tease me!); Got Milk? Get this awesome milk-splash chair; all sorts o’ hour glasses; a dog house bigger than your apartment; the smoking cigarette gun; egg pants; and “You Condoms.” As Materialista Wendy says, “They're the modern day calling card — they feature an image on YOU right on the package. Just send in a photo of yourself and they'll make a stylized black and white image to create your very own calling card condoms. Klassy!”

And new video game blog 61 Frames Per Second brings us the trailer review for “The Conduit”; going vertical: how Capcom’s developers are changing the landscape of 3D games; a YouTube-r re-imagines Gradius as an old-fashioned text adventure; and are you “casual” or “hardcore”? Or is there another option…?

Behind the Scenes: Dandy, Dirty Talk with Sebastian Horsley

Nicole Ankowski — Tue, 20 May 2008 19:34:00 GMT

Today’s Q&A with dandy Sebastian Horsley will rock your world. Ever had your girlfriend hide in a cupboard to spy on you having sex? Ever fall truly, madly, deeply in love with a prostitute? Ever been deported from the U.S. for “moral turpitude”? Didn’t think so. But Horsley has. Nerve’ own Alexandra Godfrey dishes on what it’s like have your socks charmed off by a natural-born dandy:

“Alexandraaaah,” he breathed into the phone, in all of his seductive, British glory.

“Oh” I said, taken aback. I hadn’t even announced myself. “I love my name in a British accent.”

“Do you, darling? Well then, I shall say it over and over again throughout our whole interview! Alexandraalexandraalexandra.”

And that is how I “met” Sebastian Horsley. Truth be told, I was quite nervous dialing those overseas digits as I prepared to call up a perfect stranger and ask him all about his sex life. I had no idea how he would react when I asked him about his drug addiction, his obsession with prostitutes or his sexuality. It’s a strange thing to do, even if you’re not shy. Which I’m not. But still, throughout our chat, I couldn’t help but wonder if Sebastian could somehow hear me blushing through the telephone wire. That’s just the sort of man he is, the kind that makes non-shy girls blush over telephone wires.

Sebastian and I did not just talk sex. We talked music, movies, MySpace, life, dreams, aspirations (his and mine) and by the time I thought to look at my watch, nearly two hours had passed. It felt like we were teenagers, dissecting life through the telephone, hiding under the covers so our parents wouldn’t know we were racking up the phone bill. It was the kind of conversation that changes your perception of the world. Before reading his memoir, I had no idea people like Sebastian existed, but after talking to the charming devil himself, I am so very glad they do.

The day after the interview I e-mailed Sebastian to thank him for his time and offered him a drink (or twelve) the next time I breeze through London. To my surprise, the immediate reply was:

“OK. Come to my room at 7.00 p.m. If you're late, I'll start without you. Sx”

Of course, he knows I live in New York City, making it impossible for me to come to his room at seven, but the gesture was nice. Besides, it’s always refreshing to talk to someone who lives in a fantasy land that the rest of us can only wish to visit.

“Ok, see you there.” I wrote back.

— Alexandra Godfrey

Visit the fantasy land: read the entire interview here.

Guess Who’s Coming to “90210”...And Potentially the Big Screen?

Nicole Ankowski — Mon, 19 May 2008 22:07:00 GMT

I admit it: I’m a Gossip Girl junkie. I didn’t want to love the show, but Blaire’s gorgeous extensions and all the drama pulled me in. But come Fall, will Blaire et al. have a run for their (old) money? Here’s a first look at the new (improved?) 90210…

I am mostly just excited that Jessica Walter, of Arrested Development fame, is in the promo. Though seeing her back on the small screen — and with no hope of an Arrested Development 2.0 in site — might just prove…too…painful.

Oh Bluth family, come back to us! (Unless…gasp!...could this IMDB page be correct?!)

From The Archives: About Last Night…The Boyfriend

Nicole Ankowski — Mon, 19 May 2008 21:19:00 GMT

I got my first boyfriend when I was fourteen. It lasted one month, and the month happened to be February. So for Valentines Day he gave me a small stuffed Grateful Dead dancing bear from the head shop he hung out at, and a butterfly necklace from Claire’s that broke the next day. Just like Carrie Hill Wilner, ten years later I still don’t know what exactly makes a boyfriend, but I do know that somewhere in between Meg Ryan movies and popping the big question, we do get some pretty great stories out of these guys…

Check out Carrie Hill Wilner’s “About Last Night…The Boyfriend” and follow her deceptively endearing journey to discovering that sometimes wanting that “confusing horrible freak-out sex” can really be quite comforting… — Alexandra Godfrey

New on Nerve, 5.19.08: Horoscopes

Peter Smith — Mon, 19 May 2008 19:38:00 GMT

Feeling vulnerable? Check out our horoscopes:

Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)
You may have a reputation for being as emotionally sturdy as baby seals are adorable (read: very), but don't let maintaining your street cred get in the way of maintaining your mental health. Because much like those fuzzy, big-eyed baby creatures, you need a little protection now and then from the brutal world of capitalism, interpersonal relationships and murderous roving walruses.

Not a Taurus? Click here for your horoscope.

We’re listening To…The Pogues’ “A Rainy Night in Soho”

Nicole Ankowski — Mon, 19 May 2008 19:00:00 GMT

To continue on the theme of rainy day music (and to wallow in the melancholy of my last week as Nerve Intern Caitlin… sigh), here’s one of my favorite songs by The Pogues, “Rainy Night in Soho.” Because, yes, we’re in Soho. Yes, it looks like it might rain any minute. And who doesn’t love some sad romantic Irish punk on a chilly day like this? Anyway. If anyone needs me, I’ll be crying into my whisky underneath the pool table.

— Caitlin MacRae

Young American Bodies Season 3 Promo

Nicole Ankowski — Mon, 19 May 2008 15:46:00 GMT

We’re as excited as the chick in the clip above: the Season 3 premiere of Joe Swanberg’s Young American Bodies series is coming May 28! If you haven’t had the extreme pleasure, you can watch Season 1 and Season 2 here. And from the above promo, this season looks better than ever…

New on Nerve, 5.19.08: “Art Star” by Ryan Britt

Nicole Ankowski — Mon, 19 May 2008 15:35:00 GMT

Have you ever dated an artist? However close and loving your relationship might be, it’s always startling to see yourself reflected in their work. Ryan Britt discovered this when he became his girlfriend’s muse:

He's really thin. He's naked. He's two-dimensional. If it weren't for the fact that he's lacking a head, he would be six-foot-one. My height. He looks just like me.
My girlfriend, Gabriela, takes a drag of her cigarette, blows the smoke across her Greenpoint studio, turns to look at the real Ryan and asks,
"Do you like it?"
"It looks like me," I say. But I'm lying just a little bit, because while this painting — entitled "White Bread" — has my chest, arms, legs and neck, his penis is bigger than mine.

The joy, the pain, the sex, the Star Trek: read the entire essay, here.

Hollywood Sex Scene of the Day, 5.16.08: The Pillow Book

Nicole Ankowski — Fri, 16 May 2008 21:40:00 GMT

Sometimes you just need a little equal-opportunity full-frontal nudity, arty sex, and French-tinged voiceovers. You’ll get all that and more in this sexy clip from 1996’s The Pillow Book, starring the gorgeous Vivian Wu. Anyone in the mood for a roll in the...paper?

Happy Friday, everyone:

In Other (Photo) Blogs, 5.16.08: Red Boxes and Ice Cream

Nicole Ankowski — Fri, 16 May 2008 21:22:00 GMT

What to do if you’re not feeling naughty enough? Siege knows: bathe yourself in raunchy red light, of course. Check out Siege’s late night at NYC burlesque bar, The Box, in all it’s red-lit glory. Afterwards, make sure to get up close and personal with blonde bombshell Anna. Who knew balance acts could be so beautiful? And if you want to get really, really up close, check this one out.

Don’t let Autumn’s grumpy little Paula make you grumpy (although we’re pretty sure she won’t)…ice cream is on the way! And she’s not just eating it in these deliciously drippy photos. Speaking of eating and deliciously dripping, see what Autumn bought the paper boy. And don’t hesitate to step into Autumn’s garden photos, for a scintillating secret…

Now, take a peek into Brandonland where it’s all penises and skateboards…and musings about SanFran. Oh, Brandonland, a place that always leaves little to the imagination, and lots to think about. For instance: the statement you make when pairing a naked light bulb, a loose fur coat, a beautiful girl and a…sword?

With Chase’s depiction of the pinnacle of Youth Angst and Drug Culture as our backdrop, we are made to ponder PBR’s place in the mix, among other things…like tantalizingly naked girls. Ever traveled to a seedy motel to eat a bag of ‘shrooms? Just for the fun of it? No matter what your drug of choice, don’t miss Chase’s twisted tale of Tybee Island.

What happens when you mix Rose and Olive, a lonely hotel room, Marilyn Monroe, a camera all together at 5 a.m.?.......THIS.

— Alexandra Godfrey

From the Archives: Sexual Amnesia and “Nocturnal Omissions”

Nicole Ankowski — Fri, 16 May 2008 18:27:00 GMT

Working here at the Nerve offices, I’ve found it’s completely natural to have sex on the brain pretty much always. When you spend your day figuring out the perfect words to parse the graphic, lovely photos from The Daily Siege, or mining the Nerve archives for steamy personal essays from years past, and when you are a sexually frustrated twenty-three year old, yes, you will spend much of your day thinking about boning.

But reading Betty Ross’s essay, Nocturnal Omissions, I felt a resonance different from the kind I get from reading hot fiction about gay sex. Because I don’t explicitly remember most of the sex I’ve had. I tend to chalk it up to having been drunk at the time.

My friends can regale me with detail after detail of their sex lives, but when my turn to spill comes around, I usually can’t muster anything more few brief, qualitative sentences. Ross’ essay explores the idea that sex – despite the amount of time, energy, and money we spend trying to figure it all out down to the littlest detail – may not actually be a memorable thing (also, this new study suggests that it may be true on a biological level):

But in making compelling or attractive points about the loss of sexual memory, they all miss the point: We don't need the bells and whistles of high-art fantasy sequences or Hollywood melodrama to engage in a fantasy about forgetting and sensuality — we live that amnesia every day. All of us remember less about our sex lives than we do about what it feels like to stub a toe or what we had for dinner last night. It is an unspoken truth that no matter how much time we spend obsessing about it, sex — even without the benefit of a Charlie Kaufman screenplay — is an inherently forgettable experience.

— Caitlin MacRae

Read the entire essay here.

We’re Listening To...Grace Potter and the Nocturnals “Falling or Flying”

Nicole Ankowski — Fri, 16 May 2008 18:10:00 GMT

It’s rainy days like today that I enjoy listening to songs like this. Raindrops like tears, oppressive skies, and my clothes all wet and clingy — I can’t help but feel melancholy. Not in a completely bad way — if that makes any sense — because the water feels like a cleansing. It’s spring, pouring rain means new beginnings, and even if the water washes away something good…better things could always be waiting after the storm passes. This song is perfect for that, because when caught in a storm, we never really know if we are falling or flying. — Alexandra Godfrey

Here’s “Falling or Flying,” live and gorgeous…

New on Nerve, 5.16.08: The Nerve Date with Bobbi

Nicole Ankowski — Fri, 16 May 2008 16:38:00 GMT

This week’s Nerve Date is pretty much the happy ending to a Craigslist missed-connection fantasy. Photographer Tony Stamolis spotted the lovely Bobbi as she sat, waiting for friends to pick her up at a train station. Thankfully they were late…

How to get a pretty young thing to talk to you?
“You offered me caffeine and the prospect of $1 vinyl.”

Check out the Nerve Date here, and a sneak peek at some of the Nerve Premium shots, after the jump…

Hebrew Hammers: The Top 12 Tough Jews in Cinema

Nicole Ankowski — Thu, 15 May 2008 20:28:00 GMT

“If any of us get laid tonight, it’s because of Eric Bana in Munich.”

So says Seth Rogen’s full-time slacker Ben Stone at the start of 2007’s Knocked Up, heralding a recent shift in the pop culture persona of the Chosen People from neurotic schlimazels of the Woody Allen variety to bad-ass playas like Bana. But, although the concept of “Jewish action star” is a relatively new phenomenon, film history is filled with tales of Hebrew heroes (and heavies), from ancient Egypt to modern Israel.

And thus, in tribute to the upcoming June 6th release of Adam Sandler’s meshuga Israeli commando/hair-stylist comedy You Don’t Mess With the Zohan, Screengrab is proud to present The Top 12 Tough Jews in Cinema!” — Andrew Osborne

Check out all the Hebrew Hammers, right here.

Scanner Taking Nominations for "Scanner's Top 10 Hottest Women in the World"

Nicole Ankowski — Thu, 15 May 2008 16:45:00 GMT

Scanner is serious about taking nominations for Scanner's Top 10 Hottest Women in the World. On Scanner Emily's list: “Jenny Lewis, Rilo Kiley frontwoman, child actor and even better solo artist.”

And it’s on! From ScarJo to Charlotte Rampling to…Faye Wong?...the noms are pouring in. Leave your brilliant suggestions in Scanner’s comments section. (I’m all for Thandie Newton. Even if she has gotten disturbingly skinny.)

And after you answer…Did you ever play the ol’ college game where people ask you to name, in your opinion, the hottest male and female celebrities?

So you name them.

And then – insert dramatic shoe-drop thud! here — the person asking the questions reveals that you only chose that celebrity because they look the most like you.

Which happened about 80% of the time. Except for me. I’m so proud to report I look absolutely nothing like the utterly gorgeous Thandie Newton.

::sigh::

What Thandie looks like:

The celebrity I most resembled in high school, according to some dude who made my sandwiches at Subway:

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

The Twenty Worst Pre-Rock Star Jobs

Nicole Ankowski — Thu, 15 May 2008 16:33:00 GMT

This list gives hope to the aspiring actors/writers/pop-star divas/presidential nominees in all of us… For example, what pre-fame struggling dancer “worked behind the counter at a Dunkin' Donuts in Times Square” and “was reportedly fired for squirting jelly on a customer”?

Answer: her Madgesty, Madonna…that’s who. Reportedly. Though we wish there was video of the squirting.

Drug dealers, grave diggers, Mickey D hamburger-slingers, cotton pickers and more…check out the entire list here. And let’s all go home and make some art tonight. Even if Grey’s Anatomy is on…

[via Spinner]

New on Nerve, 5.15.08: Behind the Scenes (and the Sex Drive) in “Life After Death”

Nicole Ankowski — Thu, 15 May 2008 15:06:00 GMT

"Has anyone hit on you yet?"
My brother asked me this a few months into my grieving. "No," I told him. "Of course not. I have widow cooties."

Today we’re proud to publish Susan Seligson’s personal essay, “Life After Death.” She took time to speak with us about the writing process, love, grief, sex — and what happens when you just want to get hit on, but all you receive are hugs. We'll turn it over to Susan:

“In the months following my husband¹s death, I couldn¹t write much. I resisted some friends’ well-meaning insistence that I write about what I was experiencing. Throughout my career I¹ve told my own stories in a way that — or so I¹m often told — touches a common nerve, makes people laugh, cry, or both. But it takes time to gain the clarity to do this. (Joan Didion wrote nothing for a long time before she began her stunning book The Year of Magical Thinking.) I may never feel compelled to tell the whole story, but this Nerve essay touches on just one aspect of widowhood I find provocative — how recent widows are habitually viewed as asexual — and one I can¹t recall reading much about. I’m eager to see comments from readers, especially those who have lost their partners and can relate to that feeling of ‘otherness.’”

Read the entire essay here.

New on Nerve, 5.14.08: Sex and Dating Advice from Miss Information

Peter Smith — Wed, 14 May 2008 17:06:00 GMT

I'm Not There is a sweet guy who has trouble coming during sex. He's looking for possible solutions, and a way to make his girlfriend feel less inadequate because of it. Miss Information has the cure, and after offering some physical tips, she's got ways to put the ladyfriend at ease:

I think it's less about words and more about grunts and moans. It should be really apparent that you're into the festivities. An orgasm is like a big wet sticky gold star for your partner. You need to give her a tangible substitute, whether it's compliments on her technique or a "OMG u R best FCK evr!" text message an hour after she drops you off.

Good advice? Weigh in after you check out the whole column here.

Sneak Peek: Photoblogger Autumn’s Work To Appear in Journal Nico

Nicole Ankowski — Wed, 14 May 2008 16:25:00 GMT

We love Autumn Sonnichsen, and her fabulous Nerve photoblog. Her blog is like an instant mental trip to Brazil, and a world made up of lazy mornings, week-long beach adventures, and wild city nights. Oh yes, and did I mention all the gorgeous naked women? (And sometimes, if we’re lucky, men.) Autumn’s work is also being featured in the summer issue of Nico, a gorgeous fashion/photography/art/design journal.

Here’s a sneak peek of some her delicious spread…

...and you can order Nico here.

The Modern Materialist Helps You Spend Your “Economic Stimulus” Check…

Nicole Ankowski — Wed, 14 May 2008 16:09:00 GMT

Have you gotten your $600 “economic-stimulus” check from the government yet? When you do, the Modern Materialist has over six hundred great ways to spend it… Here’s a round-up of their latest treasures:
The Walk of Shame Kit: where was this when I was in college?! (Also helpful on the morning after: the universal shower diffuser.)
Faux sure: the electronic cigarette.
Pun Tiles: not actually puns, but really, really cool.
Hangover Helper Mints: “eliminates ass mouth.”
Umbrella Stools: As in your can sit on them. Not the other kind…
Twist Naked Sponges: good for the environment, nice way to bring up getting’ nude with your significant other…
The travel bar: with two sexy flasks, it’s also a nice way to bring up getting’ nude with your significant other.
Also environmentally friendly: blue balls.
Do you need a giant guitar?
Screw Target: get your personalized pool-float here.
Webcams: not just for live sex feeds, anymore.
And finally, the Fractal 23 desk. Okay, it’s made to order, and costs $20,000. But if you have 33.33 friends who all really like art desks…well, you’re golden.
And if you spent your entire economic stimulus on fun goodies and can’t afford therapy, get your therapy flashcards on, on the cheap.

All this and more, at the Modern Materialist!

From the Archives: “Ass Backwards” By Kevin Keck

Nicole Ankowski — Wed, 14 May 2008 14:00:00 GMT

There is a big difference between fantasy and reality. We all know this, logically speaking. But sexual fantasies very rarely have a logical component. Kevin Keck found this out the (very) hard way…

“When I was sixteen my mom confessed to me that she had a vibrator, which a friend had given to her, but which she never used. She just liked to keep it around ‘for laughs.’” Within a day I found the vibrator and immediately plunged it into my own ass while in a fit of vigorous masturbation. I could spend the rest of my life in analysis and never get to the bottom of that one. In fact, I don't even know why I felt the need to stimulate my prostate (I wasn't even aware I had one), unless on some level my ass knew that such an act of appropriating your mother's sex toys is the modern equivalent of killing your father.

Eventually, though, the vibrator vanished. I don't know if my mom pressed her ear to the bathroom door one night only to hear a familiar whir, or if my constant treatments of bleach (hey, sanitation first) to the vibe's surface irritated her in some fashion that she couldn't fathom and she tossed it. Either way, such a loss lead me to desperate measures, involving cucumbers, a broom handle, a fire poker (just the handle) and, in an incident I refer to simply as "The Chiquita Affair," a banana that broke off inside me. I nearly killed myself straining to get that out as quickly as possible, and let me tell you: there's nothing more fucked up than shitting a banana.

However, this was just my ass. I couldn't get over the fact that I was potentially a freak, and possibly violating some serious biblical code. I mean, Jews can't eat pork — surely anal delights are way higher up on the list. When I walked by people in my small town, I tried to imagine them pillaging their rectums with a variety of implements (usually garden tools), and I just couldn't do it. And somehow, when they looked back at me, I felt they knew an ice cream scooper had once protruded from my posterior. (Oh, and sickness of sicknesses, that same ice cream scooper is still nestled in one of the drawers in my parents' kitchen! I know it's been many years and numerous rinse cycles, but on those hot August afternoons when my dad suggests a chocolate sundae, I politely decline.)”

Lucky for us, Kevin gives us more…and lets us cringe (and laugh) along with him. Read his entire essay, here.

Busty Bachelor Winner, Meet Joe Francis…

Nicole Ankowski — Tue, 13 May 2008 22:41:00 GMT

The latest Bachelor: London Calling “winner” Shayne Lamas got way more than just some big-ass bling and the pet name “Monkey”…

She’s also snagged a six-page spread in Girls Gone Wild…the magazine. (They have a magazine?).

People reports: Girls Gone Wild publisher Joe Francis says Lamas’ appeal is easy to sum up. “Shayne has a genuine ‘girl next door’ quality,” he said in a press release. “But she also happens to be very hot.”

Sadly, he wasn’t able to convince her to pose nude in the mag. Because that would have been degrading…

[Via Jezebel, via People]

Hollywood Sex Scene of the Day, 5.13.08:

Nicole Ankowski — Tue, 13 May 2008 21:05:00 GMT

Here is the inimitable sex scene featured on some posters for 1992’s Damage. The ever-lovely Juliette Binoche and the ever-gangly Jeremy Irons completely commit to making this on-screen copulation look as wild and writhing and boundary-less as good sex can be.

That, or they look like two pale nude stick-bugs goin’ at it near the bathroom door…

Either way, I know you want to take a peak:

Wanna see the top five sex scenes that could incite a revolution? All this and more in Nerve’s Hollywood Sex Scene Database…