Maybe, if you close your eyes and think really, really
hard, there can be an upside to the tragedy of bad sex. Okay, maybe there’s
only one and it’s kind of a stretch: bad sex can be sort of a catalyst, whether
as a deal-breaker in a situation you were looking for a way out of, or as a
friendly note-to-self that maybe sex for the sake of it doesn’t work if you’re
not getting off. Or it can serve as fodder for a wickedly funny personal essay.
Inducing as much laughter as it does empathy-pain, Jonathan Goldstein’s take on
Bad Sex – recounting the hands-down worst handjob he’s ever received – is
full of gleefully f*cked-up similes and wry observations. And, hey, after three
hours of thankless manual stimulation, we’re impressed that he could manage
such coherence, let alone wit.
“So used to the way I handjobbed myself, it took me a good ten
minutes just to acclimatize to another person's touch. Once we got going, I
needed a lot of encouragement — reassuring talk, oils, balms and constant
repositioning. Plus, a decade of self-abuse had rendered my dick pretty much
aristocratically indifferent. I had to practically slam it in a doorjamb to get
it halfway turgid. So a typical handjob usually took anywhere between twenty to
thirty minutes, with me shouting 'harder!' and 'faster!'
like I was whipping a team of snow dogs across the tundra.”
Check
out the entire essay here, one of Nerve’s 10th Anniversary “10
Funniest Articles.”
— Caitlin M.
