The Modern Materialist : funny

Can't Afford a Kindle? Invest in a Kindling

Laureen Mahler — Thu, 14 May 2009 20:02:00 GMT

Truth be told, my commitment to live as a true word nerd (ie spend half my life savings on books and lovingly heave them around with me everywhere I go) means that I'm a little wary of a device like the Amazon Kindle. But the non-Amazon Kindling? I'm in!

[$61 and up, eBay via Cockeyed.com]

The Amazon Kindling is the clever little brainchild of Cockeyed.com, which teamed up with Evil Mad Scientist to create a (sorta) true-to-life Kindle out of wood. The wireless, wooden e-book may only fit about 150 words, but it's electricity-free, lightweight, and multi-use... it can actually be broken up into firewood.

I suppose you could make your own version of this, given access to a lasercutter. Otherwise, bid away, my book-loving compatriots!

[via Boing Boing]

Take Away This Ball and Chain

Laureen Mahler — Thu, 14 May 2009 15:32:00 GMT

[$115, Curiosite]

You know it's time to reevaluate your priorities when you go to the Internet, discover a bona fide ball and chain for sale, and decide to not only blog about it but also purchase one immediately. I kid you not, everybody. This really exists:

Okay, so the ball and chain is being marketed as a "study ball" for parents to attach to their kids' ankles. The ball weighs 20 pounds and is attached via a time-lock shackle. Parents can set a study time of up to four hours, at which point the shackle will release. In other words, it's like a pc version of sending your kid to prison so they finish their homework.

So why must I own this ball and chain? Let me count the ways:

1. Focused blogging without frequent snack breaks.
2. Concrete justification for staying in bed four hours longer than anticipated.
3. Forcible justification for other people staying in bed with me four hours longer than anticipated.
4. Perfect training device for Lifetime Movie marathon night.

And the list goes on...

[via Gizmodo]

The Real Organic

Laureen Mahler — Thu, 14 May 2009 13:29:00 GMT

There's been a lot of debate recently about what does and does not constitute "organic." Thank goodness for these stickers, which clear the definition right up.

[$2.50 for 10 stickers, Evil Mad Scientist]

These 2.5" x 1.5" stickers get right to the point: namely, that organic means "slower, and with more bugs."

The added bonus here is that really, the stickering possibilities are endless. Kind of gross, but still endless.

Gnomes Behaving Badly

Laureen Mahler — Mon, 11 May 2009 16:07:00 GMT

[£44.50, Gnomeland]

I've never been a huge fan of garden gnomes, but it's not every day that you see a gnome mooning you from beyond a bed of assholes. Excuse me, I meant to say azaleas. And that's just the beginning:

[£49.50, Gnomeland]

[£69.50, Gnomeland]

[£59.50, Gnomeland]

Apparently these naughty gnomes are all the rage in the UK. Though, as our cohorts over at Scanner recently revealed, not everybody is laughing.

I think my personal favorite is the gnome who's giving everyone the finger. He sort of reminds me of a Mooninite. Sigh.

p.s. Anyone catch my Man with Two Brains reference up there? It is truly one of the finest films about a man with two brains that has ever graced modern cinema.

[via Your Funny Stuff]

Mow the Lawn

Laureen Mahler — Mon, 04 May 2009 17:29:00 GMT

Um, not that kind of lawn. You know, the kind of lawn that gets a little more exposure during bikini season:

Presenting the Wilkinson Sword 2-in-1 Quattro razor and, ahem, lawn-trimming device:

[£9, Wilkinson Sword]

The Quattro is a perfect complement for that new swimsuit you just bought, and officially the product with the best advertising campaign in the history of razors that also trim bikini lines. Check out their (hilarious) ad:

How can you not want to buy one of these after that? But just in case you need added inspiration, here are the specs for the Quattro:

• high-quality dual blade razor with added trimming function
• battery-operated, waterproof trimmer is hidden at the bottom of the razor
• includes a trimmer comb

The Quattro's site also offers a complete how-to section on the bikini line shave that will work with your suit's cut. Though let's be honest, it's really all about that ad.

[via Laughing Squid]

Have a Little Mercy

Laureen Mahler — Fri, 01 May 2009 17:32:00 GMT

Times when I could really use a Mercy Card to express my emotions:

• When I don't want to do the dishes even though I didn't cook.
• When I don't get enough sleep.
• When I do something dumb but don't want to admit it.
• When I know I'm right but want to be nice about it.
• When it's time for makeup sex, but I'm too stubborn to say so.

Mercy Cards have captured that perfect balance between apologizing and saying what you really mean:

[$12 box of 24, Set Editions]

The notecard box comes with two each of the following messages: "I am right, you are wrong," "You are right, I am wrong," "Never, ever bring this up again," "I am in a bad mood and taking it out on you," "Shut your mouth and take off your clothes," "I don't even know what we're arguing about," and, simply, "Mercy."

If this product had a tagline, I think it would be something along the lines of: "Making the hard parts of a relationship much more concise."

[via NOTCOT]

Rock Band for Your Kitchen

Laureen Mahler — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 19:37:00 GMT

Once upon a time, your parents told you not to play with your food. Well, now you can play bonafide music with your utensils. Start with the salt and pepper maraca shakers above, and keep up the beat with these accompanying musical kitchen tools:

Wine glasses with note measurements etched into their sides,

drum stick chopsticks,

guitar plates, and a musical note utensil hanger.

Why are the very best products concept-only? Sigh.

[Tuvie]

Tim and Eric Awesome Shoes, Good Job!

Shaun Seneviratne — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 17:30:00 GMT

Yes, that's Tim and Eric and yes, that poster is made up of cats.

And here is a shoe made up of Tim and Eric:

[$60, Zazzle]

If you're not familiar with the hilarity that is "Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Good Job!" (not to mention my favorite character, Dr. Steve Brule), I highly recommend checking it out in all of it's green screen and random glory. Here is a great introduction for ya:

Thanks to Umar for the tip!

The State. Finally.

Shaun Seneviratne — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 16:02:00 GMT

This time has finally come. MTV is releasing The State on DVD on July 14 (Bastille Day)!

Though the episodes have been online for awhile, you can soon pick up the DVD with unaired sketches and commentary. Get all the ball-dipping and pudding you want!

Here's the trailer:

The Father-Son Race is one of my favorite sketches:

[MTV]

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

Laureen Mahler — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 17:01:00 GMT

In the long-standing battle between pirates and Abraham Lincoln, there is much more than beard style and hat choice at stake. The real fight goes much deeper, into the annals of underground comics and Etsy treasure lists and hipster innuendo. Have our hearts been captured by Captain Jack's scintillating disregard for hygiene, or have we instead been hopelesly captivated by Lincoln's mysterious presidential smirk?

I think we can count this just-announced project as a win for Lincoln's side:

Publisher's Weekly recently announced that Seth Grahame-Smith (of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies literary fame) has agreed to pen Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. It's rumored that Smith agreed to a publishing deal worth $575,000, due in no small part to the unexpected success of what is now affectionately known as P&P&Z, which has more than 100,000 copies in print since its April 1st release.

Of course, we here at MM could have told you that Jane Austen and zombies would be a big hit. And while there isn't a release date or press packet for AL:VH yet, we imagine that it will look something like this:

... with concentrated garlic bullets in that chain gun, of course.

Rest assured we'll be keeping a close eye on AL:VH developments; in the meantime, may the war of cool rage on to new depths of hilariousness.

Thanks to Diana for the tip!

How to Write Off Tax Day

Laureen Mahler — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 16:25:00 GMT

Oh, dreaded tax day. All year long, I pretend that it doesn't exist, only to find myself last-minute panicked and knee-deep in forms that I don't understand and old receipts that I probably can't use as deductions. But once the taxes are done, the most important thing to do is this: take a deep breath, fix yourself an income tax cocktail (recipe below), and take a load off.

Here are five tips that will help you forget all about tax day:

1. Purchase sassy tax apparel:

[$13, Cult Classics]

There's a lot of silly tax stuff out there, but these baby bibs are pretty irresistible. If you don't have your very own bouncing bundle of deduction, you might have to settle on this "When all else fails, manipulate the data" shirt for adults.

2. Do something creative with your tax forms:

Those copies of your 1040 that you're supposed to keep on file? Those would go to way better use as wearable tax art. Playmate Britt Savage's tax form dress serves as excellent inspiration.

3. Remember, it could be worse:

You might owe the IRS a little bit of money. No biggie, just remind yourself that you're way better off than Lil Kim, who reportedly owes $979,090 in delinquent federal and state taxes. I probably won't ever make that much (and I mean cumulatively over my lifetime), much less owe that amount in taxes.

4. Make yourself a stiff drink:

It really isn't all that surprising that tax day has its own cocktail; here's how can make this (very well-deserved) drink:

The Income Tax Cocktail
• 2 oz gin
• 1/4 oz sweet vermouth
• 1/4 oz dry vermouth
• 1 oz orange juice
• splash of bitters
Mix ingredients with ice in a cocktail shaker; shake well and serve up with a slice of orange.

5. It's never too early to plan ahead:

[$46 for binder, dividers, and paper pockets, Russell and Hazel]

Once you've had a chance to relax, remember that all of this would've been much easier if you had been prepared (ahem, me: are you listening?). The first step is to make your own tax binder to start organizing for next year. Of course, the second step is to actually save all the paperwork you might need over the course of the year.

Hang in there, guys. Tax day is nearly over.

Another Effing Greeting Card

Laureen Mahler — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 13:28:00 GMT

Here at MM, we've introduced you guys to a wide variety of "honest" greeting cards, which is just one reason why the Effing Card Company deserves its very own post. The other reason? Their cards are effing awesome:

[£2.20 each, Effing Card Company]

This is just a fraction of their selection, so they're certain to have the perfect message for your card-worthy circumstances. You can also pick and choose 10 cards for £18. And that's not all: if you prefer, Effing Card Company will mail your card -- anonymously -- for about $1 to any US destination (free to the UK). Effing rad!

[via Cool Material]

Luxury Bong Water?

Laureen Mahler — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 15:02:00 GMT

[$32 per case, Fine Water Imports]

Subpar bong water: silly non-issue or serious problem? To tell you the truth, I would have gone with the former; that is, until I came across 420 water. Apparently, now stoners everywhere can breath a collective cough, I mean sigh, of relief.

Okay, okay, so upon further investigation, it appears that 420 is actually just fancy artesian water from New Zealand whose name refers to the fact that it comes in 420ml bottles. But geez guys, nobody at the 420 company spent, say, ten seconds googling their name before making things official? You know, just to be safe?

On second thought, maybe they knew exacty what they were doing...

[via BallerHouse]

Shirt of the Day: Raptor Jesus (Plus T-Rex Takes a Bite Out of Jesus Fish)

Shaun Seneviratne — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 13:02:00 GMT

[$19, Far Out Shirts]

The wrath of God doesn't really strike fear into my heart, but Raptors totally do. When Jurassic Park came out it took me three times to get through the entire movie because I kept crying during the scene where the velociraptors were chasing the kids in the kitchen (fuck you, I was seven!). Alright raptor, I believe I believe! I will preach the gospel in the Times Square subway tunnel. ("The Raptors will Rapture us!")

The Raptors aren't the only ones gunning for the top spot. It looks like the T-Rex has an appetite for a certain fish. . .

[$11, Danna Bananas]

. . .a Jesus Fish! If this car emblem and Raptor shirt are any indication, expect Armageddon to resemble the final scene of Jurassic Park.

[Via Fashionably Geek and Nerd Approved]

Have The Funniest Funeral Ever

Shaun Seneviratne — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 15:17:00 GMT

I hate bumming people out. Funerals are kind of a bummer. I want to at least try to put a funny/positive spin on it and make it bittersweet. The above coffin says, "Rest in Peas." Right up my alley.

Creative Coffins makes coffins that are funny, nostalgic, or personal. Whether you use one of their designs or customize your own, Creative Coffins are here to make your transition to the afterlife a little sillier. These coffins ae also made from cartonboard, so it's biodegradable. It's even cremation friendly! Yessss. Here are some other sample coffins:

For your party animal friend.

And for the choco-holic. . .

The Beatles super-fan would enjoy this.

E-mail for price! I've never been so excited to plan my funeral.

[Creative Coffins]

[Via Nerd Approved]

Related: Concept: Tea Bag Coffin

Shirt of the Day: Batman <3 Robin

Shaun Seneviratne — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 14:01:00 GMT

Exhibit A.

Exhibit B.

Exhibit C.

All this evidence leads the prosecution to believe this:

Objection, your Honor, but this is all inconclusive! This is just what best friends do, right?

Sorry Batman and Robin. I tried my best.

[£25 (Approx. $36), Urban Retro]

[Via Fashionably Geek]

Shirt of the Day: You Just Got. . .

Shaun Seneviratne — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 14:02:00 GMT

[photo via]

Don't be afraid to read more, it's totally safe for work (I promise):

Sorry! I had to do it. I'm sorry if I told you a lie and hurt you. . . but rest assured, Rick Astley would never do that to you.

Available in 26 different colors.

[$14, The Shirt Alert]

[Via Fashionably Geek]

LOL Cats Sell Out

Laureen Mahler — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 16:38:00 GMT

[Image via]

A little while ago, Alex told you about the true origins of the LOL Cats: how their fuzzy shenanigans (not to mention priceless diction) actually started way back in the 1920s. Well, now you can have the original Laugh-Out-Loud Cats at home with you...

[$10, Amazon]

... with the new compilation of classic LOL comics. Selling out has never been so freakin' adorable.

And here's an image from A. Koford's blog, to give you a taste of what's inside that there treasury of cute:

[via Boing Boing]

Don't Be a Weenie

Laureen Mahler — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 20:38:00 GMT

You know those little mini sausages that sometimes show up at parties? The ones with toothpicks sticking out of them, usually stacked up next to a bowl of lukewarm mystery sauce? God, I love those weenies. If I could, I'd build a tiny conveyor belt to travel from the weenie plate to my mouth. Nom nom nom, indeed.

Now, for the cocktail weenie addicted, there is finally help:

[$5, Archie McPhee]

Break the addiction with chewing gum that's shaped like little weenies.

Alas, I think I'm still on step one of the recovery process: recognizing that I have a problem.

[via Nerd Approved]

Babies Finally Earn Their Keep

Laureen Mahler — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 14:31:00 GMT

Babies. Sure they have their cute moments, but do they really pull their weight around the house? Thanks to this mop onesie, now they do:

[Book of Joe]

I can't decide what's funnier: the fact that this product exists, or the indignant expression on that baby's face. You know he's secretly planning a piercing-and-death-metal vengeance to take place in about 12 years' time.

[via Foolish Gadgets]

Own a Part of Tommy Tutone

Laureen Mahler — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 16:07:00 GMT

What is the most famous phone number in the United States? That's right, it's Jenny's. And while all know and love 867-5309, there are only a proud few who can claim ownership to the number itself. Now you can be one of them:

[$400,100 and up, eBay Auction]

The eBay auction is actually for the DJ company that owns the number, and apparently it gets around 10,000 random (ie extremely drunk) callers every year.

And just in case you don't already have the song stuck in your head, you can find the video here.

[via Geekologie]

Honest Greeting Cards

Shaun Seneviratne — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 17:16:00 GMT

Nothing says "I Love You" like a card that is both romantic AND crazy. Uncooked makes some of the funniest greeting cards I've ever seen. And at such a low price, you really can afford one of these for every occasion.

Here are some other gems:

Thanks to Lauren for the tip!

[$2.50 - $3.25, Uncooked]

How Much Would You Pay For a Novelty Rug?

Shaun Seneviratne — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 21:27:00 GMT

Dan Golden makes some pretty cute rugs with funny phrases. Here is another one of his.

I particularly like this one:

Too bad they carry pretty funny price tags.

[$2,880 - $13,000, Dan Golden]

[Via Holycool]

Could You Hold These for a Minute?

Laureen Mahler — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 22:51:00 GMT

Sometimes I worry about my breasts. Do they get bored, fettered in confining undergarments? Are they stressed out, wondering what's happening in the big, wide world beyond the blouse? Maybe it's time to give something back...

Behold the breast-massaging bra:

It's a bra. That massages your breasts.

Has anyone tried this? Does it feel like there's a tiny masseuse trapped in your shirt?

Alas, the Magical Massage Bra is only available in bulk from its manufacturer.

[Shenzen Pengo Electronic Co.]

Seriously, There Is No Try

Laureen Mahler — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 17:28:00 GMT

With so many innovative wall art options out there, what's a girl to do? Needless to say, these demotivational posters only add to the conundrum. But justification for purchasing yet more ironic decor presents itself with this...

[$12.95-$29.95, Despair]

Irony and function come together with this customizable 2009 calendar of demotivation. With over 100 demotivating images to choose from, you're sure to find the best ways to avoid, circumvent, or otherwise quash this year's goals and aspirations.

Build yours today! Or wait. Whatever.

[via GiggleSugar]

Shirt of the Day: Ask Me About My Crippling Shyness

Diana Vilibert — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 21:32:00 GMT

Things Shy People Don't Like to Do (Or, Things This Shy Person Has Done and Hated):

give speeches or lectures in front of an audience, especially into a microphone
fake an orgasm on stage into a microphone to an audience at Lucky Cheng's (seriously. I wanted to die.)
talk about why they are shy, or be asked any derivative of "why are you so shy?"

Still, I can't help but love the t-shirt after the jump. As long as no one actually comments on it, of course.

[$10, Glarkware]

Shirt of the Day: Grammar Crackers

Diana Vilibert — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 16:31:00 GMT

"Them are the goodest crackers I ever ate!"

I like crackers. I like grammar. I love this shirt.

[$17, Loiter Ink]

Shirt of the Day: Mostly Sunny, Slight Chance of Sex

Diana Vilibert — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 13:27:00 GMT

I once drove from Jersey to Brooklyn for what I thought was clearly a booty call, and didn't get laid. I was tempted to mail him a reciept from the gas stop I made. (I'm so classy). Save yourself from the same awful fate by making your intentions clear with this SomeEcards t-shirt from Busted Tees.

[$14.99, Busted Tees]

Hot Chicks

Diana Vilibert — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 19:02:00 GMT

Why buy a chicken suit when you can buy a Chickens Suit? As in clothing for chickens. After the jump, check out real chickens modeling the latest in chicken fashion, including a chicken dressed in camo. Wow, that's sentence I never thought I'd type.

[Chickens Suit]