The Modern Materialist : animals

Happy Hour: Drinkers Acting Like Animals

Steph Auteri — Thu, 14 May 2009 21:05:00 GMT

Dancing on the bar...starting fights...spending hours with head-in-toilet...drinkers are seriously acting like animals.

Then again, animals are also getting into the drinking...

[$20-22, Velocity]

These carved wooden bottle openers have brass details for optimal booze-opening.

[Via Design Dish]

Stuck Between a Sheep and a Hard Place

Steph Auteri — Tue, 12 May 2009 16:56:00 GMT

I don't know, you guys. I've had these bird feet bookends on my Amazon wish list since the fall, and not one of you has thought to send them to me.

No worries, though. I'm sorta crushing on these extra-cute animal bookends right here (entire animal included):

[$48, MollaSpace]

Bookends are available in boar, sheep, white lion, and dinosaur.

[Via Better Living Through Design]

Related: Hold Up!

Cat O' Nine Tails

Alex Zalben — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 19:02:00 GMT

Having troubles with your cat being attacked by mice? Then you might want to consider grabbing him (or her) a suit of armor. Granted, this is just an art project by Jeff de Boer, but... Wait, what's that? The Mice are suiting up too:

Oh no! Battle royale!

[Via Geekologie]

It's Syphilis, BTW

Steph Auteri — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 21:26:00 GMT

Yes, it's syphilis. And yes, I'm attempting to soften the blow by showing you cute baby animal pictures.

Is it working?

Grandma's Dead, a book of postcards allowing you to break "bad news with baby animals," is chock full of adorable bebehs willing to break any sort of bad news for you:

[$9.95, Amazon]

Best/Worst: Last Call of the Wild

Laureen Mahler — Tue, 27 Jan 2009 19:06:00 GMT

[Photo via]

Why the long face? Could it be that there aren't enough tipsy animals in your life? As a feline owner who assumes that raging catnip parties take place whenever I leave my apartment, I definitely appreciate some well-intended animal vice humor. Here's the problem, though: products based on drinking humor usually miss the mark on style and refinement.

But to keep things equitable and entertaining, here are the best and worst of products featuring animal intoxication:

Best: An otter walks up to a bar

[Megan Adie]

Lovely letterpressed cards that affirm my suspicion about otters: they do indeed prefer the hard stuff.

Worst: Shark humor gone wrong

[$20, Zazzle]

Exactly what occasion might call for this shirt? Maybe, maybe if you were attending a cocktail party for marine biologists and feeling especially ironic, you could think about thinking about wearing this.

Best: Drinking with bears

[$24, Little Paper Planes]

The best part of this artist print? The inscription that reads "The known practice of using domesticated bears as cushions while drinking."

Worst: Ill-advised puns remain ill advised

[$18, Cafe Press]

I have two issues here: 1) this doesn't make any sense, and 2) it is a clear ripoff of the Charmin Pooping Bear, icon of American advertising and my personal favorite toilet paper salesman.

Best: Behind the scenes at Meerkat Manor

[$4.25, Etsy]

Victorian zoological prints modified and made into magnets. Don't mind if I do, thanks.

Worst: Buy me a drink and I'll let you pet my hair.

[Nagi Noda]

These hair hats win points for craftsmanship, but I simply don't trust the model under the snout.

Best: Maakies, Maakies, Maakies

[$10, Dark Horse]

Drinky Crow has a very special, booze-soaked place in my heart, and this coaster homage makes me smile.

Worst: Wine storage gets weird

[$25, Red's Bazaar]

I'm willing to overlook the drunk pooches lounging in gigantic grape bunches. I'm even ready to accept the hiccupping dog cork topper. But why in the world would anyone need a wine holder for Charles Shaw?

Food Chain Friends

Alex Zalben — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 14:34:00 GMT

For the kid who likes science, and also, watching things die:

[$50, FAO Schwartz]

[Via Neatorama]

Elephants, Monkeys, and Bears, Oh My!

Diana Vilibert — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 17:47:00 GMT

Is it a paperweight or a Chia-pet?

Neither--it's fancy soap! At $21 a pop, you may think fancy soap in the shape of anything other than soap is reserved for bathrooms with monogrammed hand towels and cashmere toilet seat covers, not one-ply toilet paper and a shower curtain from the dollar store, but no worries---these animal soaps from Gianna Rose are so cool looking, your guests will be afraid to actually use them, saving you money in the long run! Choose from a collection that includes cats, dogs, owls, birds, and elephants, and set up a petting zoo in your bathroom.

[$21, Gianna Rose]

Pig In Boots!

Alex Zalben — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 19:00:00 GMT

Eek! Cutest thing ever alert!

The above pic is of an English piggy who was afraid of mud (!!!), so the farmer who owned her (her name is Cinders! Ack! I'm going to die) took the boots off a key-ring, and now she can happily play around in the sty without getting scared.

I know.

So how does this relate to you, the Modern Materialist reader?

Not the same boots, but in case you end up having the same problem.

[Western Express, Inc.]

What Does Infinity Look Like?

Alex Zalben — Thu, 29 May 2008 20:30:00 GMT

Not to get all spiritual on you guys, but what does the infinite look like? Is it the horizon as you see a beautiful sunset? Is it the face of the one you love, as you kiss for the first time? Perhaps it’s the eyes of a child? Or maybe it’s this:

I think we can all see the infinite in this aquarium. Or at least, it’ll feel like it’s taking an infinite amount of time to clean.

Pricing is available on request.

[Generate]

How I Tried To Trap a Roach, and Then Fed It Peanut Butter

Alex Zalben — Tue, 20 May 2008 13:30:00 GMT

I swear I’m not totally stupid. Really. So please, keep that in mind, as I tell you what happened this weekend.

Saturday morning, I was doing a little cleaning in my apartment, when I glanced over to the kitchen, and saw a mouse run from the garbage, across the kitchen, and under the dishwasher. Now, I’m not really scared of mice the same way I am of bugs (yes, I’m a big strong man, I am), but the initial skittering, and the shock of seeing a mouse in the apartment made me kind of freak out.

This freak out took the form of opening my front door, and standing to the side of the front door in the hallway, under the assumption that the mouse was just waiting for me to open the door to the apartment for it, so it could leave. After the intial shock wore off, I realized this was stupid, and it was just a mouse, and I should calm down.

I should also do something to take care of it, so I headed for the hardware store, and picked up their last Havaheart Trap. For those of you not aware (though I can’t imagine there are many of you who aren’t), Havaheart Traps safely trap animals, without, you know, breaking their legs, or sticking them in glue. They’re just as acceptable for catching mice, as they are for raccoons, and larger animals, so why not pick one up? This is, by the way, my tangential excuse for posting this story on Modern Materialist.

[$12, Amazon]

So, after picking up the Havaheart, I headed home, and proceeded to set it up. The trap is pretty intuitive, and for the most part, set up for you. They suggest for mice, the best thing to attract them is peanut butter, which seemed difficult to apply, but I was game. I grabbed a knife, and my jar of Peanut Butter & Co. Smooth Operater, and slathered that trap with the finest PB you can buy.

[$5, Peanut Butter and Co.]

Then, I proceeded to place the trap on my kitchen floor, and wait. And wait. As I worked on my computer, every noise I heard seemed to indicate the trap was about to be sprung, but nothing. I even turned off all the lights, and left the house for an hour, but no mouse appeared.

Finally, on Monday night, I was, once again, just walking by the kitchen, when I spied something on the floor… And it wasn’t a mouse, it was a big fat roach, on it’s back. Which, remember, I hate bugs, and can’t even stand to look at them. Regardless, I grabbed my can of RAID, and sprayed that mofo until he was dead. From, you know, ten feet away. Because that’s how I roll.

That’s when it occurred to me… I hadn’t necessarily seen a mouse. I had turned my head at the right moment to see something large skittering across the floor of the kitchen, but it had just looked like a dark shadow. There had probably never, in fact, been a mouse at all.

So what I had done was:

- Bought a Havaheart trap.
- Lovingly slathered it with premium peanut butter.
- Left it out for days, on the floor of my kitchen.

For a cockroach.

Remember at the beginning of this post when I swore to you I’m not actually stupid? Yeah, so try to remember that.

OctopusMe Jewelry Has a Secret

Alex Zalben — Wed, 14 May 2008 16:30:00 GMT

The item pictured above has a secret. Want to know what it is?

Ready?

It’s actually made from an octopus. Yup. Yes. Okay. Not really. Whew. Wait, what?

At first, when I read that the OctopusMe line of jewelry was made from real live animals, I freaked out. Because frankly, those beaked motherfrakkers can stay under the ocean for all I care. Turns out, though, what they meant is they make the mold from real octopi, and then forge the pieces from, “SOLID Sterling silver with no Octopus remains in the jewelry.”

Ew.

There’s a ton of items available, including rings, necklaces, and more. And, if you see something you want made from an octopus that isn’t available, just message the Etsy seller, and they’ll make it for you, real special like. Out of an octopus.

Pictured above are the OctopusMe Double Tentacle Earrings, which I’ve pasted pricing for below.

[$75, Etsy]

[Via Trendhunter]

Get Ready for the Fish-lympics

Alex Zalben — Mon, 12 May 2008 16:30:00 GMT

They say you can’t teach an old dog new tricks, but, as it turns out, you can teach a goldfish to play sports. Using operant conditioning, positive reinforcement, and the R2 Fish School Training Kit, your goldfish will be playing soccer in no time. Also, limbo, fetch, slalom, basketball, and much more.

Check out a video of a fish playing Football:

[$30, Amazon]

[Via Neatorama]

AntWorks Makes Ant Farms Futuristic, More Horrifying

Alex Zalben — Thu, 20 Mar 2008 17:30:00 GMT

When I was younger, I was totally into creepy crawly stuff because, you know, I was a little boy. I liked venus fly traps, and in particular, feeding them. I liked playing with spiders. And, I loved ant farms.

I never had the terrifying “Oops, I knocked over the ant farm, and now the ants are everywhere!” moment, but there was a point when I went from loving bugs to be being deathly afraid of them… I made have been the day I was covered in bees, or the time I found a bee in my pants, or the time I swallowed a bee*. Or maybe it was a years of bug horror that led to me absolutely loathing everything that creeps on six or eight legs.

That all being said, I’m not everybody (if you can believe that… Yeah, right, Alex, you say. You are TOTALLY everybody), so you might be completely into AntWorks, the illuminated, gel-like ant farm modeled on the same farms used by Space Ants.

Those being ants taken into space by NASA, not our eventual lords and masters, the Space Antz. Notice the z at the end, there’s a difference.

The ants create tunnels in blue colored gel, instead of sand. And, if you want, after the ants die, you can keep the farm as a sculpture. If you do that, just a quick warning: you are totally gross.

There’s a few basic sets, as well as tunnels to connect two or more sets together. I recommend getting the tunnel set, for MAXIMUM ANT-AGE!

[$30, AntWorks]

*These are all 100% true.

Product Porn: Tennis Ball Robot Meets Dog

Alex Zalben — Thu, 20 Mar 2008 16:00:00 GMT

I think this dog has clearly been driven mad by his power, don't you?

Thanks Jodi!

Art Prints for the Pooch

Steph Auteri — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 22:00:00 GMT

[$24.95-$139.95, Mod-Dog]

Dog owners frighten me. Seriously. With their little dog sweaters and slippers and their rhinestone collars and their Halloween dog parades. And now there are fine art prints featuring various types of dogs, such as the mod pomeranian above.

I mean, I have a cat-shaped lamp and cat-centric Andy Warhol prints and cat porcelain figurines, and -- my god -- Gizmo just loved the water fountain I bought him last weekend.

But dog people? Seriously frightening.