The Modern Materialist

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• Sometimes a Cigar is a Big Fat Dong

  I’d like to formally thank our Big Sis Scanner Blog for, essentially, doing our job for us, by posting purchasable penises. Now, granted, we delivered dick diatribes just yesterday, but who wouldn’t want wangs out the wazoo? So without further alliteration, here’s a bunch of trouser snake stuff: Read More... Posted May 08 2008, 12:30 PM by Alex Zalben with | with no comments Filed under: gadgets, sexy, NSFW

• Penis Shampoo Dispenser: I Just Jizzed In Your Hair!

  This is f-ing gross, right? I mean, who likes the experience of spooge squirting in their hair enough to spend $12 on a reusable shampoo-penis? Although, I guess you could fill it with body wash, and then ejaculate moisturizing soap all over your chest. Okay, I totally grossed myself out now. Uncensored , NSFW picture after the jump: Read More... Posted May 07 2008, 04:30 PM by Alex Zalben with | with 1 comment(s) Filed under: bathroom, sexy

• I Was Just Massaging My Neck...

  Sure, your Pocket Rocket sounds like a lawnmower, but that doesn't mean you weren't trying to be discreet about your vibrator use. After the jump, my top five fave discreet sex toys: Read More... Posted Apr 25 2008, 03:30 PM by Steph Auteri with | with 1 comment(s) Filed under: toys, sexy

• The Sweet and the Low: Sex Chair

  [$999, Tantra Chair]   The Tantra Chair "gently guides and changes your pelvic angles during lovemaking creating amazing new sensations and unparalleled comfort." The website features a video and a graphic photographic position guide of a hot naked couple showing you exactly how to get the most, uh, bang, for your buck. If $1000 is too much to spend for "new sensations and unparralleled comfort," maybe this chair is right for you:   Read More... Posted Apr 25 2008, 11:30 AM by Wendy Atterberry with | with no comments Filed under: home goods, sexy

• Spin The Bottle...If You Dare

  [$35, JimmyJane]  A more grown-up version of the Spin the Bottles of yesteryear, and a more elegant spin on those cheap-ass erotic dice I bought at Duane Reade back in February, JimmyJane's Spin Me ups the ante. Read More... Posted Apr 24 2008, 03:00 PM by Steph Auteri with | with 1 comment(s) Filed under: toys, sexy

• Bikini Without That Annoying “Up Your Butt” Thing

  Being a dude*, I don’t really have a huge problem with underwear crawling up my butt. However, if Sarah Chalke is to be trusted (and she is), this is a huge problem for women. That’s why, women, I give you the Bikini Pants. The Bikini Pants give you that “My bikini is way over my waistline, ‘cause my pants are so low,” look all you ladies crave, without actually wearing any bikini or underwear, which, interestingly, is the look all dudes crave. A couple more pictures, and then the pricing, after the jump... Read More... Posted Apr 21 2008, 12:30 PM by Alex Zalben with | with 3 comment(s) Filed under: clothing, sexy, pants

• Bigger Breasts Through Handjobs

  Best Week Ever has broken the biggest story of the year: you can get giant boobs by jacking off two guys at once. At least, according to The Journal of Applied Research, a very real sounding magazine cited by Easy Curves, an exercise machine that takes your boobs, lifts, and jams them together. Ridiculous video, after the jump...  Read More... Posted Apr 17 2008, 05:30 PM by Alex Zalben with | with no comments Filed under: Videos, sexy, exercise

• I’ve Got a Golden Vibrator…

  Think about how different Charlie and the Chocolate Factory would have been if Willy Wonka was only a wee bit kinkier. Right? Thank goodness, then, for Jimmyjane and CITIZEN:citizen, producers of the solid gold vibrator. Produced in a limited quantity of 500, each individually numbered sex toy is emblazoned with the slogan “Fuck Design,” which is either to be read as derogatory towards design, or a literal comment on the function of the item. More vibrational hotness, after the jump...  Read More... Posted Apr 16 2008, 02:00 PM by Alex Zalben with | with no comments Filed under: gadgets, sexy, NSFW

• Clone-a-Willy Kit Comes in Chocolate, Soap

  There was literally almost no picture I could find safe for work enough to put in this post. I finally settled on the one you see above, cleverly censored by our dear MM logo. I will say, though, that there are some NSFW pictures after the jump, so, you know, look forward to that. Also, more info: Read More... Posted Apr 14 2008, 05:30 PM by Alex Zalben with | with 3 comment(s) Filed under: sexy

• Call Me G-String

  …Because a G-String peeking out from your jeans doesn’t send a clear enough message, why not print your phone number on it? At least, that’s the suggestion made by SEMDesign, which will custom print a message on the band of their G-Strings. You can get the undies* in small, medium, or large, in a three pack, with any message up to 20 characters printed on the band. May I humbly suggest: “I’m wearing a G-String!” More goodn-ass, after the jump...  Read More... Posted Apr 14 2008, 02:00 PM by Alex Zalben with | with 1 comment(s) Filed under: clothing, sexy

• Interactive Fleshlight Makes Me Feel Uncomfortable

  The other day there was an awkward moment on the subway when I made an off-hand joke about the Fleshlight to my S.O. This was the conversation that followed, after the jump... Read More... Posted Apr 11 2008, 10:30 AM by Alex Zalben with | with no comments Filed under: gadgets, sexy, NSFW

• Tie One On With The Naughty Knot

  Like some sort of reject from the Unfinished Halloween Costumes Hall of Fame comes the Naughty Knot. Honestly, I do know if I need to describe what this is for, or how to use it, so I’ll leave it at one pressing question, and then give you some kinda not safe for work pictures: Why are there no bottoms? I mean, why isn’t there a matching pair of Naughty Knot Panties? Do they think you’re going to leave the bow on while you, uh… Put your present in the box, let’s say? ...You guys already skipped ahead to the other pictures, didn’t you? I’ll stop talking. They're after the jump: Read More... Posted Apr 10 2008, 12:30 PM by Alex Zalben with | with 2 comment(s) Filed under: sexy, Ridiculous

• Your Boobs Look Light Today

  Is this sexy? I mean, is this actually sexy? We’ll assume for the moment that you’re not performing in a drag show, or at an all night rave. Which are, of course, the appropriate venues for wearing an illuminated bra. Other venues where it’s appropriate to adorn yourself in nothing but a glowing top… The future, maybe? And Mars? After the jump, a bunch more pictures and styles...    Read More... Posted Apr 03 2008, 02:00 PM by Alex Zalben with | with 4 comment(s) Filed under: sexy, Bras

• Grim Specter of Butt I MEAN DEATH

  This is like some sort of amazing optical illusion… What do you see, readers, the skeleton, or the lady? The lady, right? Yeah, I thought so. More after the jump...   Read More... Posted Apr 03 2008, 11:30 AM by Alex Zalben with | with no comments Filed under: mirrors, sexy

• Pole Dancer Alarm Clock

  Oh yeah, you know it baby. You know you’re waking me up, baby. Look at that. I’m soooo awake, baby. No, baby, let me hit snooze one more time, baby, you know I’ll go to work. Please, baby, I’m so sleepy baby. Baby. Full shot after the jump.   Read More... Posted Apr 02 2008, 10:30 AM by Alex Zalben with | with no comments Filed under: Clocks, sexy

• Real Sexy Egg

  I used to love little Russian nesting dolls when I was a kid… Each layer was like a new discovery, a new secret hiding inside. I think I would have discovered a little too much too soon with this particular matryoshka. Each layer you remove takes off another piece of clothing, until you have a tiny, naked Russian woman. Get two of these for the complete TATU playset! [$76, Babooshka] [Via Nerd Approved] Posted Mar 28 2008, 10:30 AM by Alex Zalben with | with 1 comment(s) Filed under: toys, sexy

• Get Clayed With The Sculpta Sutra

  One of the common complaints I hear about the Kama Sutra* is that it just isn’t realistic for human beings to perform most of the… acts… Contained in the book. It’s the sort of thing better left for black light posters on your dorm wall, than the dorm itself. I say the problem is, you haven’t had a good enough 3-D representation of how to perform. Enter (no pun intended) the Sculpta Sutra, a clay modeling kit that helps you see just how everything fits together. After the jump, a couple more pics, and pricing...   Read More... Posted Mar 25 2008, 12:30 PM by Alex Zalben with | with no comments Filed under: sexy

• Strip 'Til You Drip* With The Electra-Pole

  Sadly, the Electra-Pole is not a new weapon for destroying your enemies. In actuality, it’s Carmen Electra’s brand new pole dancing kit, which comes complete with a pole. Yeah, that’s right. This Carmen Electra branded product is a pole in a box. You know, so you can do some sexy stripping? After the jump, I show you exactly where you can stick your pole...    Read More... Posted Mar 21 2008, 02:30 PM by Alex Zalben with | with no comments Filed under: sexy

• Have Cookie-Cutter Sex

  When I was a teenager, I would go into Spencer’s Gifts with my friends, and we would laugh and laugh at the boob shaped pasta. I wouldn’t buy it then because, you know, I didn’t cook for myself. And also I was uncomfortable about the changes happening in my body. As I got older, though, I still kind of mildly chuckled at the variety of “dirty” products you can pick up, but none of them really gave me any impetus to buy. I mean, what situation would you find yourself in that it’s appropriate to offer someone a stick of gum shaped like a penis? Beyond the AVN Awards, I guess? Find out what IS appropriate, after the jump. Read More... Posted Mar 19 2008, 04:30 PM by Alex Zalben with | with no comments Filed under: Food and Drink, sexy

• It’s Not The Size Of Your Eggs…

  …It’s how you cook them that counts. Other possible comments: -    “Yum, can’t wait to stick this in my mouth.” -    “Hey, this would go great with sausage.” -    “Why do you own this? What’s wrong with you?” Do you think if you bought this pan, you’d be obligated to make male member shaped eggs every time you cooked? Or would it just be for special occasions? And if the latter, what special occasions? The morning after an orgy? [€4, MegaGadgets] [Via Craziest Gadgets] Posted Mar 12 2008, 04:00 PM by Alex Zalben with | with no comments Filed under: Cooking, sexy

• Product Porn: Robotic Breast Massager

  I don't know what's creepier, the fact that this exists, or that the video has no sound, so you can't hear the silent screams of its victim: [Via Geekologie]  Posted Feb 27 2008, 12:00 PM by Alex Zalben with | with no comments Filed under: gadgets, concepts, tech, Product Porn, sexy