Ah...my mother.
First forced to give birth to me, and then expected to deal with my temper tantrums, my antisocial tendencies, my premarital sex, my decision to drop out of college, my later decision to write about sex for a living, my shopping problem and attendant crippling debt, and more.
And it's only been 28 years. Who knows what other shenanigans I can get up to in the coming years?
You better believe I'm not forgetting Mother's Day.
Time is running out, and this is our last installment of our monster Mother's Day gift list. After the jump, consider some final gift ideas and, for the love of god, get on it!
[choose your amount, Bed and Breakfast.com]
5. Bed and Breakfast Gift Card
Chances are, your parents haven't been on vacation in a reaallly long time, since they've been busy paying for your college education and stuff and, years later, they still haven't financially recovered. A couple years ago, I gifted my parents a bed and breakfast gift card, redeemable at nearly 4,000 B&Bs in the U.S. and Canada, and my mom still can't stop talking about it. I even researched a few B&Bs that were near enough for a weekend trip, with surrounding attractions, and put together a little packet for them, for inspiration. Yes, you can be as awesome a child as I am.
[$260, Swarovski]
4. Something Sparkly
Have you ever seen that commercial where a man gifts his wife with a vacuum cleaner and is sent to a subterranean purgatory until he learns his lesson? Women don't want things they need...things that relegate them to their allegedly rightful place in the kitchen or the laundry room or what-have-you. They will smile but secretly hate you for these types of gifts. What moms really want is to feel glamorous again. And what better way to provide her with that than with a bit of bling? My personal favorite pieces come from Swarovski. My mom has also loved every single piece I've ever gotten her from Whippoorwill Crafts. But you should know your mom's taste best. (Assuming you've been paying attention, you ungrateful brat.)
[LocalHarvest]
3. A Year's Worth of Groceries
Not to be completely hypocritical with what I just said above, but some moms do enjoy cooking. Which is why I think it's a good idea to consider giving your dear old mom a year's worth of groceries, with a membership at her local CSA (community-supported agriculture). Here's the lowdown: A farmer sells a certain amount of "shares" in the...um...fruits of his labors. Buy purchasing a share in that year's output, you're guaranteed to receive a certain amount of seasonal produce each week throughout the farming season. And you know that shit is way better than the crap your mom's finding in the produce section of your local ShopRite. You can search for your local CSA here.
[$820, Neiman Marcus]
2. Somewhere to Put Her Feet
Okay. Bear with me here. Not every ottoman out there is $820, but this is the one that I would want to be gifted by my fabulously wealthy daughter who does not yet exist. You could probably find something cheaper. I'm just sayin'. Sometimes, your mom just wants to put her feet up and pretend you don't exist. You cause her a lot of stress. Seriously. Or at least I did. Every holiday, when I ask my parents what they want, they tell me: "Peace and quiet." Maybe you should throw in a sleep mask as well.
1. A Grandchild
I've just spent an embarrassing amount of time watching videos like the one above and sobbing. In every video, the mother reacts in pretty much the same way: look of confusion...screaming...sobbing. The mere act of watching these videos is making me ovulate. I suggest getting yourself (or someone else) preggers and then presenting your mom with one of these. Don't forget your video camera!
As a reminder, here are the other posts in our Monster List of Mother's Day gifts:
