Nothing makes me feel unsexier than trying on sexy panties.

Yet there I was, in the try-on room at my local Victoria's Secret, trying to shove my considerable bulk into saucy boyshorts, lacy panties, and other fine-fabriced instruments of torture. And man was I frustrated. Whoever had tols me that boyshorts were flattering did not have thunder thighs.

In three days' time, I was scheduled to pose for an Intimate Portrait by artist Dorian Vallejo. I wasn't sure that — when it came down to it — I would be able to show my poo-cha-cha to a complete stranger, so here I was. My collection of cotton granny panties obviously wasn't gonna cut it.

...

My husband was eager and excited and perpetually turnd on by the thought of me posing nude. He held my hand more. He propositioned me more (if such a thing is possible). He stared at me lasciviously whether out in public or in the seclusion of our own home. "I don't know what it is," he whispered huskily, "but I am so turned on!"

When the day came, I showed up at Vallejo's home toting a duffel bag filled with shawls, pashminas, beach cover-ups, and even my favorite fuzzy pair of Cookie Monster pajama pants. Tossed over my shoulder was the blanket that someone had crocheted for me the year before. I was also wearing my best stomach-flattening skirt, and one of my pretties Gap bras. I was (over)prepared.

Vallejo spent about an hour giving me the lowdown. He sat me down in a room filled wall-to-wall with art books and showed me folders filled with sketches and finished pictures. He explained the full process to me and then showed me his studio. We started out slow.

First, Vallejo did some quick sketches, referred to as "gestures." During this part of the process, the subject tries out a variety of poses for 2-3 minutes at a time. I cyced through my various outfits, eventually becoming more and more unclothed. It was impossible to feel uncomfortable in front of Vallejo, despite the fact that my nips were hanging out. He had a boyish enthusiasm for the work he was doing, and I never felt as if I was being judged. Eventually, I felt safe enough to bare the vajayjay.

After picking our favorite pose, we spent the rest of the day working on the final painting. I lay in position for 20 minutes at a time, with 5-minute breaks in between. When I felt cold, I edged myself closer to a nearby space heater. When the arm beneath my head started aching, I attempted to will myself to sleep, or concentrate on the background music, or count really, really slowly, so that I could make it to the next beeper of the timer. Absolutely none of my discomfort stemmed from the fact that I was exposed.

[$1,000+, Dorian's Portraits]

When the day was done, I couldn't believe that the woman in the painting was me.

Other reactions:

"I forgot how fantastic your boobs were!" [an old college friend]

"Were you naked when he drew this!?" [no mom, he used his imagination. ::eye roll::]

"Let's have sexy time!" [my husband]

If you need a reminder that your boobs are, in fact, fantastic, or are searching for the perfect sexy gift for your significant other, I can't recomment Vallejo's work enough.

If you're interested in a more in depth essay on my experience, head on over here.

Related: Help Me Choose Some Coverage for My Partially Nude Debut!