If you're recognizably female, breathing and ever been in a bar or club, you've probably been targeted by a Pick Up Artist.

For the uninitiated, PUA's are men who are so geeky that they have to reduce what is supposed to be fun flirting/hooking up to an RPG adventure in order to make any progress.


Hurry! Cast the Roofie spell while her fruity girl drink is unattended!

Probably the best known PUA is Mystery, seen in the Youtube link above. As you can see, he's stolen Pam Anderson's pink fuzzy hat and dyed it black. (I guess he figured she's sexy... so emulating her would make him sexy by extension? I can't explain the safety goggles. It's like he's trying to pick up ravers circa 1997. Man, do I miss my UFO pants.)

From what I can gather, PUA's try to be assholes to the ladies. They do something called "Negs," which are pretty much backhanded compliments. I actually had a guy say "Wow, your hair looks really great... is it yours?" before trying to up his "Kino" points by touching my back. Now, this was supposed to make me feel attracted to him because it's not the ass-kissing that I was expecting. Really, it just made me slap his hand away and go talk to someone else.

PUA's have it in their heads that if a woman is at all attractive, she doesn't want a nice guy. What they don't get is that if I'm gonna date/fuck an asshole, he should also be hot and preferably rich, with an undercurrent of vulnerability that explains why he's such an awful human being. Y'know... he should be every TV character that Julian McMahon has ever played. Guys like that don't need 1-ups and strategies to begin with.

So, if you're not the guy (and you probably aren't), you need to grow a nice personality and a pair of balls. I call it, The Fishnets Method.

1. Take pride in your appearance. I'm not saying you have to get all Queer Eye/GQ. But spend more than five seconds picking out your clothes. Maybe cultivate some perpetual five o'clock shadow, if that works for you. Try a new haircut. Figure out what hides your gut (or better yet, hit the gym.) Maybe pick up a nice, all-purpose cardigan. Ladies love cardigans. (OK, maybe just I do.)

2. Be yourself. You can't be someone else. You just can't. It'll make you look stupid if you try. Put yourself out there and see who is compatible. The secret is revealed! You have to be with women who like you. Ta-friggin'-dah.

3. Realize that there are women outside of bars and clubs. Seriously, unless you're an alcoholic or a dancing fiend, these are not the best places to meet that special someone. Everyone's drunk. Make friends with women at work and they'll introduce you to their sober girlfriends, sisters, cousins, etc.

4. Don't let some dude in a fuzzy hat tell you what to do. I mean... seriously. A fuzzy hat? What the fuck?

Now go forth and get laid.