I'm in this really weird state of mind. I spent the last couple weeks stressing over the fact that I might be pregnant. I've been pregnant before so I know what it feels like. Airheadgenius' post about pregnancy made me want to write a whole post about the subject but then I decided not to get into it. People would surely start spewing their political bullshit and quite frankly I have no interest in hearing it. But the last few weeks I felt that familiar pregnant feeling. My tits hurt just if you looked at them too long, I was eating non-stop and having weird bouts of nausea, weird crying jags followed by intense blow ups. I was getting ready to pee on a stick by the end of the week and have to face my boyfriend again with the bad news. If you know me, you know I'm as fertile as a goddamn flower bed, which is ironic because, for the most part, I don't want to become a mother. I love kids, don't get me wrong. I love when my nephew comes bouncing over and jumps on the couch and jumps on his uncle and begs for candy which I secretly give him and I love watching him torture the cat and playing with his uncles old Ninja Turtles toys from the 80's. But at the end of the day, I am glad when he goes back home and is someone else's responsibility. It has nothing to do with with maturity, selfishness or anything else. I just have zero interest in becoming a mother or having "a family" in the traditional sense of the word. 

This morning I woke up in a strange mood. Relieved because my period had started, which also took a huge load off my shoulders. I don't think I could have gone through the pain and sadness that follows having to terminate a pregnancy.There was an other feeling on hand this morning, though. Marriage. Last night, while drinking many celebratory Obama beer and crying about this and that and freaking out at my boyfriend, we managed to have some kind of talk about the future without speaking directly about it. I'm one of those gals who doesn't really talk about feelings and other bullshit like that. I'm not going to try and get a guy to open up about his feelings or ask him what he's thinking every hour on the hour. That shit pisses me off. However, last night a lot of garbage flew out of my mouth. We'll blame the booze..it's always the best excuse.

My boyfriend and I already discussed the fact that we don't want to get married in a traditional way. We don't believe in church and have no wish to be married in one, behind one, or next to one. God will not be overlooking my wedding, should that day ever happen. But I want to marry him. I don't want to wear a white dress,  have thousands of dollars spent on food, clothes, flowers, whatever the hell people spend money needlessly on for their wedding. I want to get married wearing a purple tube dress over my frayed jeans and beat up camouflaged Converse. I haven't told him about this. He doesn't know that I want to marry him. I've never wanted to marry before. I'm not even entirely sure I want to marry, honestly, but today, right now, I would love to say to him, "I love you, let's run off to Vegas and get married by Elvis and then have honeymoon sex in a big vibrating round bed"- this feeling might pass, just like heart burn after eating spicy chili (it does kind of feel like a bad case of indigestion), but maybe not. The morning after I had met him, I was completely enamored with him. I kept telling friends, "He's so perfect for me" and "He will be mine, you watch!" and I even blurted out "I'm going to marry him one day" - which was saying a whole lot becauseI don't think those words ever came out of my mouth before that, let alone after spending one night with someone. But I'm getting off track. 

What makes someone the marrying kind? Is it a desire to have a family, a suburabn house with a goldren retriever and  prescription meds for when your husband "works late" four nights out of five? Is it a desire to be with someone completely and utterly for the rest of your life? Is it a business deal like Lori Gottlieb wrote in The Atlantic back in January? Is it a need to be secure? Someone to look after you?

I don't think I'm the marrying kind.I don't know what kind I am, honestly.I don't particularly have a desire for anything mentioned above, except maybe wanting to be with someone completely and utterly. Maybe I'm just the kind that has finally realized that I can be secure in this relationship, that I don't need to worry about petty bullshit like I tend to do and that our little family with our cat, pit-bull puppy and all our plants is just what I want and need, and I don't need a ring to tell me that. Although, a cake right now with two little action figures on top would be pretty great.

 So, are you the marrying kind?