61 Frames Per Second : sonic the hedgehog

Criterion Collection + Videogames = Best GAF Thread Ever

Peter Smith — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 00:00:00 GMT

Over the years, much has been made of Mega Man's hideous box art, and of the general pimplyness of game art's 8-bit pubescence. But ere we hurl stones at an older era's ugly glass houses, let us first look to our own, or something!

Like this, for example. Now that is some garish shit. Even the boxes for major games like Metroid Prime 3 aren't likely to win any design awards. Most of the time, they evoke summer-blockbuster viewing more than the subtler experiences their contents (hopefully) provide. They also tend to be stuffed full of colorful characters, when, more often, the unique experience of a game comes not from its characters but from the texture of its world.

Perhaps realizing this, some clever commenter over at NeoGAF started a thread soliciting game box art designed in the vein of Criterion Collection DVDs — playful, inventive, minimalistic, gorgeous. It is — ahem — the best thread ever. So much the best that even I, not much for Photoshop, spent a few hours mocking up some covers myself. Hit the jump for my efforts and my favorites from the thread.

Super Mario 64 - McBacon
Very much in the Criterion mold, which some contributors didn't quite catch.

Dr. Mario - somnific
Elegant, simple, instantly recognizable. Awesome work.

Bioshock - Bernbaum
This one's ingenious, and (given its simplicity) remarkably eerie in its evocation of the lost city.

Mirror's Edge - Jocchan
There are a bunch of Mirror's Edge pics in this thread, many of them very handsome, but this one makes a highbrow art reference in a non-arbitrary way.

Donkey Kong Country - Jocchan
Really captures the playfulness and tactile quality of many Criterion covers in a way that also perfectly suits the game.

Sonic the Hedgehog - zaidr
Just a great idea, and it also emphasizes how Sonic and co (in their earliest, best form) are less characters than multicolored, shiny projectiles in a giant pinball machine.

Okay — here are mine:

I've always loved that sunset/sunrise scene on Zelda's title screen; by hiding what's on the other side, it implies mystery and adventure in a way unskippable owl monologues never will.

Another wonderful thing about Zelda 1 is the mystery of the ancient. I wanted this picture to look like the dusty cover of some '60s anthropology book, but I'm not good enough at Photoshop for that, so instead it looks like the poster for an IFC documentary about Bali.

Then there's Zelda's sense of loneliness, which I thought was well-served by this Asher Durand painting. I picked that font cause it made me think of academic editions of 19th-century American classic novels (which often have Asher Durand paintings on the cover, as well). If I were really working for Criterion, I'd make sure to find a Durand painting with some hollow tree roots, to emphasize that sense in Zelda that there are secrets (to everyone!) tucked away everywhere.

The original Metroid is a scary game, largely because of the feeling of exploring a dead world. Those Chozo statues don't have a comic-book back story; they're just sitting there, creeping you the fuck out. Dead birds tell no tales, friends. (Until they get sequels, anyway.)

Using game assets seems like something of a cheat on these covers, since part of the goal is to suggest a tactile quality that the games themselves leave to the imagination. But when the game art is as immortal as Yoshitaka Amano's, it's hard to say no. (Sorry — that second one doesn't scan so well on a white background.)

So there you have it. (Sadly, the word "Actraiser" superimposed on El Greco's "Annunciation" wasn't as awesome as I'd hoped.) Go check out the thread, then start demanding better from your favorite game publishers!

The Kids Don't Get It: Sonic Epoch Advance and Misplaced Maturity

Nadia Oxford — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 03:17:00 GMT

I was talking with a friend earlier about one of fandom's most deplorable habits: forcing “maturation” upon the creative properties they supposedly love. One incident I will never be allowed to forget involved a “grown up” take on Chip 'n Dale Rescue Rangers. Gadget the mouse was pregnant, and there was a lot of swearing, spitting and smoking. The art was fantastic, but again, Gadget was pregnant, and there was a lot of swearing, spitting and smoking.

My friend asked me if I had heard of a Game Boy Advance project called Sonic Epoch Advance. I had not. I was about to be taken to exotic new places. Exotic, dark new places choked with oil, sludge, death and F-bombs.

Sonic Epoch Advance is a chatty action game based on DiC's old Sonic the Hedgehog cartoon—often better known as “Sonic SatAM.” Sonic SatAM earned a reputation for being dark and mature. It really wasn't, though it was ambitious for a kids' cartoon based on a video game. The plot involved Robotnik's eco-terrorism and Sonic's battle against said eco-terrorism. All things said, Sonic Epoch Advance could have chosen worse source material to expand upon.

Unfortunately, fans are pretty good at turning maturity into self-parody, and this little fan project is no exception. The story for Sonic Epoch Advance plays out some years after Sonic disappears in a time-traveling accident and is presumed dead. Princess Sally, an impressively strong female character in DiC's cartoon, falls apart without her hero, and attempts suicide. Tails stops her, but not before swearing a lot and showing off his scowl (it's a rough future, so Tails grew up all tuff. Get it?).

The black tone adopted for Sonic Epoch Advance is ridiculous, and it's hard to believe nobody on the team stopped and said, “Wait, guys, this is stupid.” Fans often feel obligated to realise the full story potential in a series, so they blindly throw in swear words and cigarettes in hopes that they themselves will be reflected as grown-up. It's a funny line of thought, since we start pining for innocence again once we hit our late 20s.

For me, the most disappointing aspect of the Sonic Epoch Advance project is its treatment of Princess Sally. In the cartoon, the exiled leader of Mobius fights alongside Sonic and is level-headed with or without him. Steady female characters are sorely lacking in cartoons and video games, but the project leaders decided that maturity means despair and suicide through a Saturday morning cartoon laser pistol instead of the enviable ability to keep things together during hard times. There are a lot of mixed-up people in this world.

Here's the first part of a Sonic Epoch Advance Let's Play, since the dialogue has to be read to be believed,

Related Links:

Sonic the Hedgehog: I'm Just Not That Into You
Sonic Unleashed Is Filled With Lies
FMV Hell: Sonic CD

Things You Should Watch: Gaming Guyz

Bob Mackey — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 16:00:00 GMT

Nadia's Friday post about Shmorky's (of Something Awful fame) Punch-Out comic made me think of something that's also a Shmorky/video game crossover of epic proportions: Gaming Guyz. Just as his Furious Famicom Faggot series skewered the Angry Nintendo Nerd and the millions of ripoffs who think that lousy games and profanity-based analogies are the peanut butter and chocolate of YouTube, Gaming Guyz has a satirical target that's gaming related, but a bit broader: you. Well, not you, per se; the fact that the comments sections of most 61FPS posts don't make me want to end my life says a lot about the intelligence of our audience. But even though this blog is refreshingly troll-free, Gaming Guyz hosts Andy and Paulo are a chilling reminder of how gaming culture can transform us into emotionally unstable idiots with a strange attachment to Sonic the Hedgehog.

If they were real people, Andy and Paulo would be tearing up the GameFAQs message boards, endlessly bitching about whether Cloud Strife or Solid Snake should have won the latest front page character poll. Thankfully, they're entirely fictional, even though they're basically composites of the thousands (if not millions) of teenage Internet idiots out there that make us want to go Amish on a daily basis. Each episode of Gaming Guyz plays out like your standard message board argument between two irrational morons, though viewed through the lens of unique Something Awful weirdness--so along with your typical console war screaming, you've also got suicide and Sonic the Hedgehog acting as a compassionate ear for miscarriage woes.

The series started back in March of 2008 and had its most recent update just a week ago, but unfortunately the realities of being an Internet cartoonist in a harsh economy has slowed down the output of Something Awful's Flash Tub chief, Shmorky. Until then, you can always donate a few bones and catch up with Gaming Guyz via the links below. And even though I write for Something Awful, please keep in mind I get no additional income for pimping one of their features. Even though I wish I did.

Gaming Guyz Episodes:

Episode One
Episode Two
Episode Three
Episode Four
Episode Five
Election and Christmas Specials (Scroll down to find them)

Related Links:

16-bit Morals: Sonic Warns You About Uncle Ernie
Doing the Mario Over Christmas Break
16-Bit Morals: Mario Threatens Hell Upon Drug Users

Licensing Tragedies: Sonic Live!

Nadia Oxford — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 03:57:00 GMT

Topless Robot hosted a contest for the worst single-issue comic of all time. It was a tough call, but a winner emerged. Now for the surprise: Sonic the Hedgehog is involved.

In the year 20XX, Archie put out a single-issue “comic” called “Sonic Live!” More accurately, “Sonic Live! The Last Game Cartridge Hero!” I am not sure how I am supposed to feel about that title.

The Sonic the Hedgehog comic is actually extremely long-lived, and like any creature of slow mortality, it's taken some pretty regrettable turns. “Sonic Live!” probably marks the series' deepest plunge, but I doubt you need me to elaborate. Just think of a genuinely exciting example of real-life kids teaming up with cartoon characters who tumbled out of the television. Take your time; I'll go make a big sandwich.

“Sonic Live!” might get away with merely being mediocre if not for three traits that make it very special. First, even though Archie comics had been commissioned to put together the Sonic comics, nobody on staff owned a Genesis. In one panel, a kid playing “Genesis” is actually holding a television remote sideways. The kid was a bit ahead of his time; the Wii was some years off.

Second, it's not clear why Archie decided to put this together, but the writer felt it was necessary for the “comic” to cast his son and niece as main characters.

Third, Sonic meets his makers: “Mori” and “Jerry.” Forget you crazy Sonic Team members and your hard-to-understand Japanese names. That's what you get for not being all-American.

It's kind of sad to look back at the height of Sonic's popularity. Despite the glory of the Genesis' heydey, it seems as if Sonic still stepped in poop again and again.

Related Links:

Licensing Tragedies: The Donkey Kong Country Cartoon
Licensing Tragedies: Malibu's Street Fighter Comic
Questionalbe Nintendo Products: Mario's Cradle-Robbing Picnic Plates

Chiptune Friday: Spring Into Spring With Sonic

Derrick Sanskrit — Fri, 20 Mar 2009 14:00:00 GMT

Though it's been feeling like Spring here in NYC for a couple of weeks (global warming has its occassional perks), the vernal equinox actually hits us at 11:44 am today. As the ice stages thaw, making way for beautiful fire flowers, should you happen to feel the urge to go outside and enjoy the world, we here at 61FPS are of course enouraging. However, since you're clearly somewhere with internet access, let's make this just a bit brighter and sunnier to get us all in the mood for months of sunshine and gaming. I can't think of a better way to kick the season off than with the theme to Spring Yard Zone from the original Sonic The Hedgehog:

(this loops for ten minutes, so feel free to hit play, jack up the volume and go for a good solid strut)

Oh yeah, that's the groove right there. You can practically hear the robot sunflowers in bloom.

Have a happy Equinox, everybody!

Previous Chiptune Holidays:
Christmas
Halloween
Independance Day

Sega, Show Some Decency

Bob Mackey — Wed, 18 Mar 2009 18:00:00 GMT

In the many years since Sega's fall from grace, we've seen the company systematically destroy every franchise we've ever held dear for the sake of profit at any cost. Really, the only series that are safe at this point are the ones that are simply too unpopular to bother exploiting. Rest assured, fans of Panzer Dragoon and Jet Set Radio, you are safe. Though, at this point, it wouldn't be too crazy to see Sega sink their greedy talons into franchises that never really had a chance; I honestly wouldn't be shocked if the company announced a Burning Rangers sequel with random dungeons and a snowboarding mini-game.

Because of the company's desperate status, Sega's had a rather spotty record lately. But one game has seemingly restored some dignity to once-great company: Valkyria Chronicles. In a world of lousy, misguided Sonic the Hedgehog games, it was a breath of fresh air to see a Miyazaki-inspired tactical RPG that brought to mind Dreamcast classics like Skies of Arcadia. Sega's reaction to this newly-restored dignity? "Let's make swimsuit-clad capsule toy versions of these great new characters!" That sound you just heard was the whole world shaking its head in shame.

This isn't exactly the biggest deal in the world; these are capsule toys, after all, so it's not like Sega is making intricate, expensive, and doubly creepy PVC models of these half-naked gals. We'll have to wait another few months to see those. But it's still a little depressing to see Sega whore out this new game so quickly; I don't know about you, but these figures don't make me too optimistic for the quality of a Valkyria Chronicles sequel--if such a thing could ever exist. I guess we'll just have to wait and see what new, fantastic way Sega's going to bungle what could have been an awesome franchise.

Special thanks to Silicon Era (via a link from the GameSpite Twitter) for the news.

Related Links:

The Untold Story of Sega Killing Their Own Hardware Business
Sega "Gets" the Wii
On Sega and the Proper Use of the Wii in 2009

Dear Virtual Console: No More Alex Kidd Games, Please

Bob Mackey — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 19:00:00 GMT

It's incredibly easy to bitch about Virtual Console, especially when you consider all of the notable games currently missing from Nintendo's digital download service. We're nearly two-and-a-half years into the life of the Wii, and still, no Yoshi's Island, no Majora's Mask, and no Earthbound. Yes, I went there; and I'd go back again if I had to. The absence of games that desperately need to be made available to Wii owners only becomes more tragic on the weeks when, like a turd sliding down the leg of a homeless man, the powers that be decide to release titles that should never be remembered, even in disgust. Ladies and gentlemen, with this week's selection of Alex Kidd: The Lost Stars, we are coming dangerously close to having the tracksuit-wearing monkey-boy's entire catalog available to a contemporary audience, and that ain't right.

To be fair, the whole Alex Kidd thing started with good intentions: he was originally intended to be Sega's answer to Mario (hey, video games are a cutthroat business). But for some reason, no one really gave much of a damn about the little freak; this was either due to the dismal sales of Sega's Master System in the USA or the fact that Sega of America's box art for Kidd's games often depicted him as a chubby, freckled child--and no one wants to see that. This would all be very, very tragic, if not for one important truth: all of Alex Kidd's games were terrible. And if you happen to like any of them, you are undoubtedly the victim of Stockholm Syndrome brought on by distracted parents who couldn't tell an NES from a hole in the ground. You know, for as much as I liked to fool around with that Master System demo unit at a local department store in the 80s (a now-defunct chain known as Hills), I always let my folks know that it was either Nintendo or the highway. Thankfully, they complied.

I have no idea how Virtual Console games are selected for release, but I can't help but feel that this whole Alex Kidd may be sort of conspiracy by Sega to somehow make Sonic the Hedgehog look much more competent. After all, Sonic basically took Alex's job; so what better way to make the new guy look better by showing how bad things used to be? I'd certainly rather play Sonic Unleashed than Alex Kidd: The Lost Stars. I'd also do other comically exaggerated things which would result in self-injury instead of playing anything featuring Alex Kidd--and for the record, I nearly typed Sonic the Hedgehog instead of the big-eared freak's name back there. So I guess my point with all of this is that all of Sega's franchise characters should suffer a painful death, regardless of whether they've seen any action in the past 20 years. And with that, I'm off to start an Internet petition. Thank you for your time.

Related Links:

The Untold Story of Sega Killing Their Own Hardware Business
You’re Doing Great, Sega: Space Harrier Returns
Creator of Sonic the Hedgehog Returns: Sega and Prope Making Game For Penguins

Namco, Why You Gotta Make Me Hit You: Sonic Co-Creator’s Unnecessary Pac-Man “Comeback”

John Constantine — Sat, 07 Mar 2009 00:30:00 GMT

Namco has hired Hirokazu Yasuhara to create a new Pac-Man to celebrate the little yellow glutton’s 30th anniversary in 2010. Namco chief of operations Makoto Iwai told Gamasutra that they’re making the game as a comeback vehicle for Pac-Man, to try and make him a relevant icon in today’s game market. When it comes to making great character-based games, you can’t do much better than Yasuhara. Yuji Naka’s gotten most of the glory, but Yasuhara was the real brains behind Sonic the Hedgehog’s glory days. He acted as director for the original Sonic trilogy on Genesis, was lead designer for Sonic 3 and Sonic & Knuckles, and headed up Sonic’s unfinished Saturn debut, Sonic Extreme. After leaving Sega, he joined Naughty Dog and acted as a designer for Jak 2 and 3 as well as Uncharted: Drake’s Fortune. That right there is a flawless pedigree, a veritable trail of excellence blazed across a decade and a half.

Why in the hell has this man been hired to make Pac-Man relevant again when Pac-Man’s creator already did just that two years ago? Someone please tell me how it makes sense to hire one of the best platformer designers of all time to make a freaking Pac-Man game? History has shown that a Pac-Man platformer is a terrible, terrible idea. Did Namco somehow forget Pac-Land? How about Pac-Man 2: The New Adventures or the Pac-Man World games? Is this selective memory or just idiocy? To quote one Tycho Brahe, which is it Namco? Assholes or retards? You don’t commemorate a game’s anniversary by making a game that is fundamentally different than the source material. I’m happy to hear Yasuhara’s getting more work, but this is a silly waste of a valuable resource.

Truth is I’m only angry about this is because of what a fantastic game Toru Iwatani’s Pac-Man Championship Edition is. It is the definitive version, and it perfectly modernized the 1980 classic in both presentation and play. You want to celebrate the 30th anniversary? Make an updated version of CE. You want to do something worthwhile with a talent like Yasuhara, Namco, you let him make you a brand new game.

God damn Pac-Land. Just listen to that music. That’s what hell sounds like.

Related links:

WAKA, WAKA: Pac-Man Championship Made Old School-er
Yeah, But Is It Art?: Pac-Man Championship Edition
Burn Your Skin for Pac-Man
Ms. Pac-Man: Feminist Champion

Artist Updates Classic Game Characters

Nadia Oxford — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 02:18:00 GMT

Over at a blog named Plan to Fail, there dwells a Canadian illustrator named Tom Rhodes. When Reading Week temporarily sprung Tom from the shackles of higher learning, he decided to celebrate by “updating” classic video game characters.

His first revisions centered on the characters from Earthworm Jim and Star Fox:

”I've never played [Star Fox] for more than 20 seconds, because I'd been spoiled by flight simulators I liked a lot more, but I always thought the character looked cool, so that's probably why he came to mind.”

The introduction of Krystal may have turned Star Fox into generic furry pin-up material, but in my heart, Fox is the last stand for genuinely cool animal-men.

A few more examples of Rhodes' work follow after the jump.

(Ken and Ryu. Love the wolf shirt on Ken.)

(The Pong Paddles. Seriously.)

(Guess.)

Related Links:

Chrono Trigger's Box Art Still Makes My Head Buzz
Yeah, But Is It Art?: Oh Wait, It's Already Art
The Art of Metroid Prime, Echoes and Corruption

Lest We Forget: Sonic and the Black Knight Due Out Next Week

Bob Mackey — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 17:00:00 GMT

It seems like it was only yesterday when Sega stunned the world with the announcement of Sonic and the Black Knight, a game that seems like nothing more than a contemptuous response to sensible gamers that think Sonic has strayed way too far from his roots. "Oh, so you want to run really fast through creative landscapes, eh? Well, have some combo swordfighting! We'll see you suckers next year with Sonic the Hedgehog Presents Quicken 2010."

I'm wondering just what the hell Sega was thinking with the very concept of the game to begin with. Even Mario, the most versatile video game character to ever exist, would look like a complete tool holding a sword--and if you look at all of his weapons in any of the Mario RPGs, you can tell Nintendo knows this as well. But I guess Mario was never intended to look scowly or "cool" as our friend Sonic over there, who's currently sporting a robot hand for what I assume makes sense in the content of Black Knight's story. I really don't want to do the research to find out why because if I recall this information out loud at a later date, someone may execute me on the spot. That's the price you pay for knowing terrible, terrible things about terrible, terrible video games. But don't let me taint your opinions; check out the Black Knight trailer and witness the disaster for yourself.

With Sonic now being weighed down with so many useless accessories, I guess it's only a matter of time until a Simpsons joke becomes reality and he's louder, angrier, and has access to a time machine. Also, expect sunglasses. Big ones.

Related Links:

Sonic: Nope, Still Not Into You
Sonic Unleased: Worse Than Syphilis
The Aberration of Sonic

The Reason Why Sonic the Hedgehog Doesn't Dig Water Sports

Nadia Oxford — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 04:26:00 GMT

As a prank, I'd like to run around the world and replace every zoology textbook with video games. In no time we'll have students believing they can make turtles come out of their shells by jumping on them, and that hedgehogs will sink like stones if you throw them in water.

Indeed, Sonic the Hedgehog borrows a lot of traits from Super Mario, but there is one vital difference: Mario can float in the water with the ease of a dead body. Sonic, built for speed and raw attitude, cannot bother his cool self with swimming lessons at the Y.

Videogamer.com wanted to find out the real reason Sonic can't swim. Did Yuji Naka intend for us to experience water physics from a new perspective? Did he want us to feel the panic that blossoms in our chests when the five-second countdown chops at our ears and we're helpless to simply swim to the surface?

Apparently, Naka simply thought hedgehogs can't swim. They can, though not exceptionally well. Hedgehogs shine in the pointy spike department, but can use work on their doggy-paddle.

Growing up, I gave Naka more credit. I read something years ago about how foxes sometimes kill hedgehogs by rolling them into a body of water, wherein the 'hogs automatically uncurl and expose their soft underbellies to the fox's pearly whites. That made an impression on me, and when I played Sonic the Hedgehog and noticed that Sonic was fairly helpless in water...

Though I guess if that were the case, Sonic would have to keep a wary eye on Tails in the Aquatic Ruin Zone.

Related Links:

Sonic Unleashed is Filled with Lies
The Untold Story of Sega Killing Their Own Hardware Business
Game Compilations: The Good, The Bad and the Fugly

Sonic's Secret Past

Bob Mackey — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 22:15:00 GMT

The ins and outs of Sonic the Hedgehog continuity have mostly been a mystery to all but the most insane fans of the franchise, mainly because Sonic's story really hasn't been all that consistent over time. We've gone from a little blue dude running on checkerboard-patterned dirt to emo inter-species love stories without any explanation as to just how this drastic change makes any sense whatsoever; and let's not forget about the multiple cartoon series and Archie Comics that make pinning down one true story of Sonic nigh impossible.

But from the character's very inception, he did have his own "bible," which is essentially a guide to ensure that the Sonic characters, as well as the setting they exist in, remain consistent regardless of who's handling the property. Over time, the mishandlers of the Sonic franchise have veered very, very far away from what the universe is supposed to be; but, thanks to some leaked documents from a NEOGaf user aptly named TheSonicRetard, confused gamers worldwide can catch a glimpse of Sega's intentions for Sonic from day one.

From the NeoGAF thread itself, here's TheSonicRetard's explaination of just what these newly-discovered documents contain:

So Dean Sitton (The guy who came up with the name Dr. Robotnik, level designer for Chakan the Forever man, the dude from the kid chameleon box art) comes through again. As a former SOA employee, he was given a "Sonic the Hedgehog" bible to help localize the game with. This is never-before-seen stuff recently released out of the kindness of his heart. What these are, are guides sega put out intending to be the absolute source on sonic the hedgehog so there would be hegemony in marketting. Every franchise goes through stuff like this, but it's rare that they get leaked to the public.

The most entertaining of all these documents has to be the rough draft of the story, where Sonic spends most of his life as a poor-but-proud Nebraskan named Sonny who spends a good deal of his time pranking bowling alley patrons. There's still a tiny chance that this could all be a hoax, but it's damned hilarious reading in the meantime. Thanks to the Retronauts Twitter for the tip.

Related Links:

On Sega and the Proper Use of the Wii in 2009
Sonic Unleashed is Filled With Lies
The Untold Story of Sega Killing Their Own Hardware Business

Mario and Sonic Coming To Canada

Nadia Oxford — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 04:30:00 GMT

I guess I'm still a child at heart, because earlier today I was all, “Oh wow, Sonic and Mario are coming to Canada!”

When the Pope or the Queen comes to Canada, it's like, eh, who gives a toss. But fictional video game mascots? I am so honoured.

I'm also a little sore. Mario and Sonic at the Winter Games (unofficial title) will be taking place in Vancouver, most likely because that's where the 2010 Winter Games will be occurring. Toronto just barely lost the 2008 Summer Games to Beijing, which is where Mario and Sonic first went head-to-head in the kind of foot race we dreamed about as children.

(According to sales figures, they're still running that foot race on a track paved with dollar bills. Mario and Sonic at the Olympic Games remains a top-seller for the Wii.)

So, Mario and Sonic won't be visiting my 'hood, but I can still appreciate the fact that they're visiting my home country. It's a familiar breed of resignation that comes with living in a city that hasn't won the Stanely Cup in over fifty years. When the season builds and the Leafs are inevitably evicted to the golf course yet again, you just hope some Canadian city takes it and not a warm-weather American town that doesn't know “ice hockey” from dwarf tossing.

Speaking of hockey, I imagine that might be included in the Winter Games. Mario and Sonic won't be running foot races, but someone will get smeared against the boards. It's going to be classic.

If that's not an exciting prospect, keep in mind that the Winter Games mean Curling.

Curling with Sonic.

Go'wan and get yourself a change of underwear, boy.

Sonic the Hedgehog: I'm Just Not That Into You
Trailer Review: Sonic Unleashed
Mario Will Not Retire. He Will Outlive Us All.

Let’s Tap Comes to America, Brings Amazing Theme Song With It

John Constantine — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 05:00:00 GMT

Yuji Naka would like to remind that you should not, under any circumstances, call it a comeback. He has been here for years, spending his precious hours rocking his peers and putting various suckers in fear. The creator of Sonic the Hedgehog, producer of Nights and Burning Rangers is going to take this itty bitty world by storm. Have no doubt that he is just getting warm.

Yes, Naka and his new studio Prope (pronounced Pro-pay) are bringing their family-style mini-game collection Let’s Tap to North America. Its wacky little box too. If you haven’t heard of Let’s Tap before, it’s understandable. The game hasn’t gotten too much press since its announcement last September or even after its December release in Japan. Check this trailer for the awesomest theme song in history.

Here’s the score: Let’s Tap is a four-player mini-game collection with five modes. The entire game is played by placing the Wii remote face down on a cardboard box (or any flat surface really) and tapping on the box. The least game-like of the modes is a visualizer; tap on the box and watch fireworks explode over a weird cityscape or see ripples wave across a pool of water. Silent Blocks is similar to Jenga and Rhthym Tap is not unlike Taiko Drum Master. The meatiest modes of the bunch are Tap Runner and Bubble Voyager. Runner is a sprint-race and obstacle course mode that’s far more visually and aurally appealing than it has any right to be. The trailer above really doesn’t do it justice, there’s just something hypnotic about it. Bubble Voyager is a sidescroller. You tap to keep your titular character – a classic little Naka character if there ever was one – afloat and to avoid obstacles.

I sat in on a demo of the fireworks visualizer, Tap Runner, and Bubble Voyager. The visualizer was certainly attractive, almost like a level of Rez you just float above instead of travel through, but it didn’t look like something you would ever try more than once. Both Tap Runner and Bubble Voyager looked fun, but really must be played with a group to get the most out of.

I’m ecstatic they’re bringing it to America but I’m not sure how successful Let’s Tap will be for Sega. The core gamer market will be interested in Let’s Tap based on Naka’s name alone, but the game is very light on content, not to mention devoid of a significant single player mode. Since Prope and Sega haven’t added any additional modes to the North American version, the game will be an even harder sell if it releases above a budget price. The other hurdle is getting it out to casual gamers and families. The games are simple and I can imagine them being addictive in a group setting, but the game’s abstract visuals just aren’t what the mainstream Wii audience looks for. I’ll be picking it up no matter what, but I’m a videogame fanatic. I’m not sure who else will.

Related links:

Creator of Sonic the Hedgehog Returns: Sega and Prope Making Game For Penguins
Tales of The Focus Group: Peter Moore Takes No Guff
On Sega and the Proper Use of the Wii in 2009

You’re Doing It Wrong: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Franchise Misuse

John Constantine — Tue, 27 Jan 2009 23:30:00 GMT

I understand. Using a familiar property to sell a game is a great way to make it popular. Just look at the myriad faux-sports games Nintendo’s made in the past decade. Would Tennis have been a hit on Gamecube? Hell no. That’s why you give Mario and everyone else living in a Mushroom Kingdom area code a racket and put them on the courts. The familiar will bring people in to play something they wouldn’t have otherwise. While the franchise-means-audience maxim holds true, I’m baffled by the way certain properties get used. Sonic Riders is a perfect example. Why in the hell would you make not one, but two separate racing games starring Sonic the Hedgehog when nobody runs? It would be like making a Transformers game where Optimus Prime spends the game renewing his trucking license.

Ubisoft’s new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles game for Wii is just as misguided. A Turtles fighting game isn’t an inherently bad idea. Actually, the long-forgotten Tournament Fighters has a decent reputation. But it’s not a genre the franchise is best suited for. TMNT: The Arcade Game's beat ‘em up model is perfect for the property because it’s about co-operation, not competition.

All that aside, the real reason this game is a terrible idea is that Ubisoft is wasting a great license, a license celebrating its twenty-fifth anniversary, on a game that doesn’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of finding an audience. Who in their right mind puts a Smash Bros. clone on the Wii? That the game is developed by Smash Bros. dev Game Arts is beside the point. That the Turtles are very popular is beside the point. The point is that Wii owners will have no incentive to buy this game. Turtles fans don’t get the action-adventure game that would appeal to them and Smash Bros. fans already own two copies of Smash Bros. Well done there, Ubisoft.

Considering that no one knows anything about the game yet, I could very well be wrong. The new Turtles game could have a deep, lengthy co-operative campaign for all we know. As of right now though, a “TMNT Smash Up” seems like a waste. Now, if Ubisoft and Nintendo were re-releasing Smash Bros. Brawl with Turtles characters and levels added in, that would be a different story…

Related links:

Sonic Unleashed is Filled With Lies
Sonic the Hedgehog: I'm Just Not that Into You
Sonic Unleased: Worse Than Syphilis
Alternate Soundtrack: Battletoads vs. The Blood Brothers
A Perfectly Cromulent Beat-Em-Up

The Economy Strikes Again: Layoffs at Sega

Bob Mackey — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 17:00:00 GMT

In what seems like the worst time ever for employment in the video games industry--aside from the early 80s crash, of course--the bad news doesn't seem to stop a-comin'. And today is no different; a recent news report just came out of Edge Online stating that 30 employees at Sega of America have been given the axe. Here's what a Sega representative had to say about the downsizing (copied from the Edge's report):

"Sega of America has grown at pace with the booming videogame industry, but at this time of economic recession, harsh retail landscape, and the reality of business challenges to profitability, we must take steps to reduce our cost structure and ensure long-term success."

Joystiq's take on the matter was a bit perplexing to me:

In the future, it would be nice to see Sega invest in the promotion of its more unique titles (Valkyria Chronicles says hello) instead of focusing so intently on that past-his-prime blue hedgehog.

If you'll allow me to play Devil's Advocate here, producing nothing but Sonic the Hedgehog games would probably be the best course of action for Sega (economically, of course) until we get out of this soul-sucking slump. I do think it's a shame that, even with a better advertising campaign, Valkyria Chronicles would have made maybe 10 percent of Sonic Unleashed's sales numbers--but people still seem to buy that blue rodent's games in the millions for reasons that are inexplicable to me. Our lousy economy is almost necessitating the end of risky, unfamiliar games in favor of safe, tested franchises, and that certainly doesn't bode well for those who enjoy creativity.

Related Links:

The Untold Story of Sega Killing Their Own Hardware Business
On Sega and the Proper Use of the Wii in 2009
Quality? Not For You, America

Things that Make Me Swear Profusely: A Top 10 List - part 1

Amber Ahlborn — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 15:00:00 GMT

I love video games. If you're reading this you probably do too. And yet, even games I like often have parts that I hate. Parts that annoy and dissatisfy. Parts that disappoint. And parts that force my entire vocabulary of profane wordage to erupt involuntarily from my throat in blind rage.

Starting with the mildest offenders and working our way up, let's see what sets me off.

Rage + 1. Skies of Arcadia Legends and random monster encounters every two friggin steps – This is one of my favorite RPGs. I love it, but I really think the encounter rate is just a touch too high.

Come on already!

Rage + 2. The Legend of Zelda Phantom Hourglass and that one dungeon – You know the one. The one you have to revisit over and over and over and over and over and over...

Seems like I've been here before...

Rage + 3. Sonic and the Secret Rings and the controls of doom – This game does not suck. For a 3-D Sonic title, it's pretty darn good. But sometimes the control scheme does not work. Sometimes you die because Sonic can't turn around. Sometimes you die because his air dash sends you flying off into oblivion. Sometimes Sonic just sucks.

Not as cool as you think you are.

Rage + 4. Sonic Adventure and everything in it – I couldn't beat the first area with Tails because the wind kept killing me and the ground was a lie.

Sega, your game is broken.

Rage + 5. Dance Dance Revolution Hottest Party announcer guy – I bought this game simply for the exercise and after about 10 minutes developed a pure loathing for the announcer guy. Yeah, I already know I suck. You don't need to tell me, announcer guy. Go choke on a sweat sock.

Less talk.

continued in part 2...

Related Links:

Whatcha Playing: On the Road Again

Watcha Playing: Loving/Hating Mario Kart Wii

Ranty McRant Rant: What the Hell does Casual Mean?

When Tiger Handhelds Ruined Hope and Birthdays

Nadia Oxford — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 01:01:00 GMT

I grew up in a recession that echoes these days of cheer and plenty to a certain degree. One key difference is that parents in the '80s were less likely to risk riding the credit bronco. If there was no money to get you the latest tech toy, you damn well weren't getting the latest tech toy.

That's why some lucky kids had Nintendo and other kids had to settle for Tiger's Electronic Handhelds.

Topless Robot has a gallery of the 10 Most Worthless Tiger Electronic Handheld Games. You risked receiving these little beeping plastic bricks if you asked for a Nintendo game that had a Tiger counterpart. For a fraction of the cartridge price, you could play a fraction of the game.

Topless Robot correctly emphasises that it wasn't so bad to unwrap some generic Tiger football game, or some kind of nameless Ninja adventure. It was the “adaptations” that caused you to wipe your eyes and nose on your sleeve when mom wasn't looking. It shouldn't have been legal to let Tiger adapt Sonic the Hedgehog if the company knew from the start that the stupid animal was only going to be capable of running in place.

There should be a Wall of Names erected for the brave children who remained hopeful through their disappointment and convinced themselves—for however few seconds—that the Mega Man III Tiger game was just as fulfilling as the NES cartridge. That's what their grandmothers told them when they opened their present, and everyone knows grandma never lies.

The Topless Robot article also includes commercial footage. Most of them have faded from my memory, but I remember thinking that the ad for Tiger's Aladdin was stupid. “If you defeat Jafar and free Jasmine, you win!” You mean I don't win if Jafar turns into a giant cobra and bites me in the eye?

Related Links:

Where is the PSP?
iPhone Owners are Gamers, Idiots
How Sony Can Save the PSP in 2009

Music About Video Games Friday: Dr. Robotnik (Eggman)

Derrick Sanskrit — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 22:30:00 GMT

Two months ago, a consortium named Intercontinental Music Lab released their album Superheroes of Science, 12 songs about historical scientists and their works...and one song about a fictional scientist and his foibles.What fictional character was deemed a brilliant enough scientist to have their song stand alongside the likes of Wilhlem Conrad Rontgen, Galileo Galilei, and Wilhelm Reich? Why, Sonic the Hedgehog's arch-nemesis Dr. Robotnik, of course! (as if the picture at right didn't give that away)

If you enjoyed this song and want to hear more like it, you can stream or download the entire album for free right here and learn more about the project on the Superheroes of Science blog.

Related Articles:
The Only Thing I Know How To Say: "Thank You Mario..."
Blaze-A-Blaze In The Mushroom Kingdom
RAC vs. Zelda, A Link To The Past

Sonic Unleased: Worse Than Syphilis

Nadia Oxford — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 23:54:00 GMT

My husband and I bought a certain game about a certain hedgehog being unleashed. We were playing Tails' Tornado Quick Time Event when suddenly I felt something like a gas bubble travel gently up my spine and pop in my brain. After that, a numbness spread to the tips of my fingers and I thought I would never feel happy, angry or sad ever again.

I realised I was wrong when an acquaintance on Facebook mourned his return to work and I automatically replied with, “Sonic Unleashed is worse than syphilis.”

I've decided it would benefit me to stay indoors until I can be sure I won't respond to greetings/questions from retail clerks, doctors and policemen in the same manner.

I guess I was taken in by the infamous Sonic Cycle, which is interesting because I thought I was aware of the writing on the wall after Sonic Adventure 2. This is the first time in ages I've given the Blue Streak a moment to redeem himself in my eyes.

Sure enough, Sonic ran in and only had time to belt out “HEY, WATCH THI--” before he tripped, hit the ground at 300 MPH and exploded.

Oh, Sonic, Sonic. Why are you so helpless to realise what's good for you? I knew to expect the werehog stages, fifteen minutes apiece of bad beat-em-up drudgery. When I first brought Sonic Unleashed home, I had decided that I would just belt my way through the werehoggery, because the gorgeous scenery in the run-run-run stages is worth it.

But I can't overlook the unskippable biplane mini-game torture. It's bad enough someone decided Sonic needs to shoot down airborne robots using a gun turret (Super-Sonicing through airborne robots is acceptable), but it's inexcusable that you can only defend by pressing buttons in the right order. If I were a pigeon or a hamster in a cage, I might think the button-mashing event is cool. Unfortunately, it so happens I'm a pissed-off human being.

Sonic Unleashed apologists (Oh God, how can they possibly exist) put their hands on their hips and say, “Well, you push coloured buttons in Guitar Hero, right?”

Yes, and I can choose how fast and how frequent I want those button cues to fly at me. Sonic Unleashed gets you warmed up then throws so many colours/letters at you at once that it's a wonder your brain doesn't seize up.

Furthermore, I am rewarded with cool music when I don't screw up Guitar Hero. My reward for getting to the end of Sonic Unleashed's biplane hell is a ridiculous boss battle.

Furthermore, if I'm not having fun with a particular song in Guitar Hero, I can opt to skip it and try another, since I don't need to play every single song to move on. When you decide that you're not having fun as a missile target in Sonic Unleashed, well, it sucks to be you. If you don't finish the minigame, you don't move on.

What really makes me want to grab handfuls of my hair and scream is Sonic Team's assurance that they “got it” this time around. “We know what the fans want,” they said.

Sega, It's time to check the water cooler for lead, or to consult a Priest to exorcise the memory-stunting demon that's drifting around the office because Sonic Unleashed isn't just a mediocre attempt at reviving Sonic. It is a bad game. It is damn near unplayable.

The first step to a real revival would involve Sega having enough confidence to let Sonic run on his own. On. His. Own. No shitty friends.

“But--”

Nope.

“Chip isn't--”

None.

Related Links:

Sonic Unleashed is Filled With Lies
Sonic Unleashed's Silver Lining
Trailer Review: Sonic Unleashed

Sonic the Hedgehog Fans Really Exist

Bob Mackey — Mon, 22 Dec 2008 19:00:00 GMT

Sonic the Hedgehog is a joke. That is his only function. Whenever I'm writing an article/blog post/grocery list, some burn on Sonic the Hedgehog will inevitably appear on the page. I can't help it; the series is such an easy target that jokes about about cross-species love and stretchy-armed werehogs are starting to come into being of their own accord. But even though Sonic may be have the least dignity of any video game character next to Duke Nukem, he still has his fans. Fans that feel so strongly of their love that they're willing to show you the results of their devotion while wearing a t-shirt made 16 years ago. I will show you such a fan. Thank god YouTube allows us into the bedrooms of sick individuals, where previously only social workers were allowed to tread.

I still have to wonder just where these people come from. I mean, I have similar love for certain franchises, but I'm at least willing to admit where the fuck-ups are. Also, the decorated walls of my room are not the last thing a woman sees before she becomes part of a homemade skin suit. I'm not saying all Sonic the Hedgehog fans are cannibalistic, homicidal psychopaths, but I believe the burden of proof is upon them. Prove me wrong, Sonic fans. Prove me wrong.

Note to Sonic fans: This by no means implies that you should contact me.

Related Links:

Sonic Unleashed is Filled With Lies
The Aberration of Sonic
Trailer Review: Sonic Unleashed

On Sega and the Proper Use of the Wii in 2009

Joe Keiser — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 17:00:00 GMT

Every year around this time, I do my annual budgeting for the next year. It consists of these three steps:

1. Look at the release list for the next few months
2. Cry
3. Order a year’s worth of bulk ramen

Historically, the release of the Nintendo spring schedule alone doesn’t get me to step two. This year it has, but it’s not my fault—the only totally unjustifiable thing I will probably haul out of a store in the spring is Coraline, which will go directly into the “stupid things I’ve bought because of an unhealthy and often inexplicable love of Neil Gaiman” pile.

No, it’s Sega’s fault. Look at the entirety of the publisher’s Nintendo lineup: a new House of the Dead game. MadWorld, the latest post-modern brawler from the creators of the last, and only, post-modern brawler, God Hand. And a…Sonic game. But those are usually slightly better on Wii!

This got me looking at Sega’s Wii lineups both new and old, which taken together paint a picture of a publisher that is throwing full support behind the Wii while not falling into the pit of making endless cheap-o party games. In fact, Sega’s Wii games cater almost exclusively to the core. There’s the upcoming first-person shooter The Conduit, as just one example. Looking back, the company has put out, amazingly, new Nights and Samba De Amigo games. And Sega’s cheap-o output has largely been ports of super cheesy arcade games like House of the Dead, Ghost Squad, and Sega Bass Fishing, games old timers like me greatly appreciate. The only casual minigame collection in there is Let’s Tap, and that’s a game where the controller is also the box it comes in. Not all of these games were successful at what they intended to do, but all the same, this is not typical use of the console!

So congratulations Sega, you’ve learned something that it took other companies till this week to figure out: that the Wii is big business, a lot of people have them, and maybe some exciting, top-tier content on it would be good. Extra bonus points should be giving for picking up the ball Nintendo dropped and actually focusing the brunt of the effort on longtime fans.

A couple other choice picks from the Nintendo release list after the break.

Onechanbara: Bikini Zombie Slayers – America finally gets the schlockiest series in Japan’s Simple game lineup. Why it took this long for a game about a blood-splattered bikini girl with a sword and a cowboy hat to get to this country is beyond me. Is there really a chance this won’t sell?

Major Minor’s Majestic March – The return of the Parappa team, complete with artist Rodney Alan Greenblat, to the world of music games is a delightful turn of events.

Broken Sword: Shadow of the Templars – A classic adventure game with timeless hand-drawn graphics. I’ve now played this on PC, PlayStation and GBA, but will happily buy it again on DS or Wii.

Puzzle Quest: Galactrix – You played Puzzle Quest. You know why you want this.

Suikoden Tierkreis – The Suikoden franchise continues to coast on the success of Suikoden II and III. Fortunately, those games had more than enough success to go around. I’ll get this even though I don’t know really anything about it.

Flower, Sun, and Rain – One of the earliest games from crazed designer Suda51, this game will not be fun. But it will be a strange look behind the veil, straight into the mind of a madman.

Related Links:

The Untold Story of Sega Killing Their Own Hardware Business
Independent at a Price: Sega and Platinum Games
Creator of Sonic the Hedgehog Returns: Sega and Prope Making Game For Penguins

Looking Ahead: 10 Wii Games that I'm Looking Forward To in 2009. part 2

Amber Ahlborn — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 21:00:00 GMT

Everybody is making lists this time of year (and checking them twice) so I figured I'd get in on the act. While most of the lists I'm seeing pop up reflect on games of the past year, I figured I'd wish ya'll an early Happy New Year and knock off a couple lists of games I'm looking forward to in 2009.

Continued from part 1...

5. Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles: Echoes of Time – It's about damn time. The much disparaged original Chrystal Chronicles on the Gamecube was a great game crippled by a poorly considered play mechanic. I'm looking forward to seeing how this one is improved.

4. Marble Saga: Kororinpa – Better than Monkey Ball. Well okay, the first Monkey Ball was pretty good but after that...

3. Sonic & The Black Knight – Secret Rings was solid step in the right direction for the Sonic series. Here's hoping Black Knight keeps on stepping.

2. Sin and Punishment 2 – Assuming it makes it out in 2009. This game, if it's anything like the first, will kick major ass.

1. Ghostbusters – Hey, if Luigi armed with a vacuum cleaner can make a reasonably entertaining ghost hunting game, then playing with the experts should really rock, yeah?

This list is hardly exhaustive and no doubt other games not highlighted here will come out and blow me away. Still, from the perspective of speculation, these titles look promising and worth anticipating their releases. Now to compile my DS list...

Related Links:

Looking Ahead: 10 Wii Games that I'm Looking Forward To in 2009. part 1

Derrick's Top 13 Games of 2008 - Part 1

Top 5 Reasons Why 2009 Will Bring the End of Lists

Sonic Unleashed is Filled With Lies

John Constantine — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 18:00:00 GMT

This is a lie: “Sonic is all about speed. Without it, he is not Sonic. So we needed to put absolute priority on the sense of speed.” – Yoshihisa Hashimoto, Project Lead, Game Director, and Lead Game Designer on Sonic Unleashed

This is also a lie: “Yes, I think this will be the game Sonic fans have been waiting for. Sonic will be reborn in the state he always should have existed in with a new control scheme, fresh new gameplay elements, all while simultaneously returning to Sonic’s roots.” – Yoshihisa Hashimoto

Yes, Sega has pulled quite the switcheroo with Sonic Unleashed. The very first screens and video that leaked last spring showed only the gorgeous 2D/3D platforming levels in Sonic Unleashed and, since then, Sega has placed all emphasis on these portions in their promotion. It’s classic Sonic play in 3D! It’s a return to Sonic’s roots! It’s what people want in their Sonic games! Even just two months ago, when I sat down to demo the game, I was allowed to watch and play a number of Unleashed’s platforming levels. But only a portion of one werehog brawler level was shown and I wasn’t allowed to play that. Wasn’t ready, they said. Based on what I played then, Unleashed really was the perfect 3D Sonic. It was fast, gorgeous, and you actually had to play the game; pressing right to sprint through Unleashed’s pan-continental levels wasn’t enough to win.

Well, I finally sat down with the finished version of Sonic Unleashed last night. Turns out Yoshihisa Hashimoto is big liar. He lies to people. He obscures the truth behind honeyed words. He is not a nice man.

I played Sonic Unleashed for one hour and ten minutes. Ten of those minutes were spent playing the very brief introductory and first full platforming levels, the same Greek-themed coastal job I played in October. They were challenging and delightful. Another ten minutes was spent skipping Unleashed’s cutscenes and RPG-light hub-world exploration. I was impressed right off the bat how Sonic Team has made both of these aspects of the game optional. Then? Then I had to play two of the werehog levels. They lasted roughly twenty minutes a piece. They are terrible.

Sonic the Werehog is slow. Very slow. He plods about the environments looking like he’s suffering from rickets. There is a dash button but it makes him difficult to control. You are often thrust into a room full of enemies, a handful of robots and glowing blobs. You mash buttons and, as opposed to punching or clawing them, it looks and feels like Sonic’s paws go through them until they just disappear in a flood of glowing orbs. Then you are asked to navigate platforming sections where Sonic has to cross balance beams, and since he controls like a twitchy, top-heavy oaf, he easily falls off said beams to his death. Death will send you back to a checkpoint far from where you died, forcing you through one or more of the fights you already slogged through. Then, for kicks, you have to slowly push blocks around large rooms to place them on switches to open doors.

Apparently, Sonic isn’t all about speed. He is one-seventh about speed.

Oh, and if you’re curious, those last ten minutes? Yeah, those were spent playing a button-pressing quicktime event masked as a shooter. It involves Tails. I’ve had more fun getting punched.

After five attempts, Sonic Team finally excised all of the technical problems, namely the camera and imprecise platforming control, that plagued Sonic the Hedgehog’s 3D transition. And this is what they made with it.

Related links:

Sonic Bound: After Three Botched Reboots, Sonic the Hedgehog May Finally Get His 3D Due
New Sonic Game Looking Strangely Tolerable
Sonic Unleashed's Silver Lining
Trailer Review: Sonic Unleashed
Sonic the Hedgehog: I'm Just Not that Into You
Sonic Unleashed Wii: Should Dimps Be Trying Harder?
Do You Hold Any Hope For Sonic Unleashed?
Quality? Not For You, America

Sonic: Nope, Still Not Into You

Bob Mackey — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 00:00:00 GMT

A while back, I blogged about how my personal problems with Sonic the Hedgehog were keeping me from enjoying his supposedly "good" games. I didn't have time to play much over my admittedly short and action-packed Thanksgiving break, but I was able to test out my Sonic Hatred Hypothesis on what's supposed to be one of the best installments the series has seen in years: Sonic Chronicles: The Dark Brotherhood. This game held quite a bit of promise for the simple reason that it was an RPG that Sonic Team didn't touch with their dirty, dirty hands. And 1UP.com's review even gave it an A!

But still, that fundamental hatred for Sonic and His Shitty Friends goes a long, looong way.

Let me explain: I fully intended to enjoy The Dark Brotherhood; comparisons to the original Super Mario RPG got me ready to enjoy a lightweight role-playing experience with some nice, interactive battles. And The Dark Brotherhood has these qualities. What it also has is Sonic and Company as legitimate characters--and I really sympathize with Bioware for having to extrapolate entire personalities out of basic character traits, i.e., Sonic is cool, Knuckles is cool but kind of a dick, Shadow is just a dick. But there's just something about these horrible, sneering cash cow woodland creatures that I just can't buy as actual characters with dialogue. Nintendo may be a bit stuck in the past by refusing to give their major characters dialogue outside of grunts and catchphrase-y expressions, but their intentions are more than clear after you check out the competition.

I'll admit it's weird for me to get hung up over something as necessary as dialogue in an RPG. And I realized that I'm a damn weirdo for feeling this way; that's why I decided to act out my aggression towards Sega's characters by trying to make Sonic into a right bastard. Just as with any Bioware game, The Dark Brotherhood offers many dialogue choices that range from polite to rude; obviously, I felt that Sonic should hate himself and everyone around him. And I would have played through the entire game to just be surly to everyone in the Sonicverse, if not for Tails' constant reminders that I should be nice to people. That's right; Sonic Chronicles doesn't even let you enjoy your grumpyness. Every sassy reply leads to Tails rebuffing you with, "Oh, come on, Sonic..." instead of crying like I wanted him to. It's like Tails is the apologist for the drunk family member at any seasonal gathering. "Oh, that's just Sonic. He's had a few beers. He's normally not like this."

Tails, why won't you let me have the simple joy of inflicting pain on others? Never mind, I can't really hear you from the inside of that GameFly envelope.

Related Links:

Sonic the Hedgehog: I'm Just Not that Into You
Sonic Bound: After Three Botched Reboots, Sonic the Hedgehog May Finally Get His 3D Due
The Aberration of Sonic

Sonic Unleashed's Silver Lining

Bob Mackey — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 19:00:00 GMT

The reviews for Sonic Unleashed are out, and they ain't pretty. It seems that the enthusiast press is showing a lot more skepticism about all of the recent hedgehog reboots, too; Sega's claim of "This time we did it, guys!" has been used so many times that I honestly can't see what angle they're going to approach the next Sonic game from. Really, the only way that they could save face would be to include a formal apology signed by every member of Sonic Team and a crisp, new one-hundred dollar bill inside every copy of Sonic 2: Unleashed Further.

But recently, a magical thing happened: something of moderate to good quality related to Sonic the Hedgehog has been released to the public. Obviously, this is big news. The item in question, Night of the Werehog, is an animated short which I assume was made to promote Unleashed. This CGI cartoon may star a character I've grown to hate and a new character I hated immediately, but it's also cute, clever, and, most importantly, tells an interesting story without a single line of dialogue. We can only hope Sonic Team can learn from this:

Of course, Sonic Team has a distinct habit of not learning from their mistakes in a way that pales in comparison to the efforts of toddlers and household pets. They're the only development team that keeps touching that hot stove just to remember what it feels like. Maybe they just need a social worker?

Related Links:

Sonic Bound: After Three Botched Reboots, Sonic the Hedgehog May Finally Get His 3D Due
The Aberration of Sonic
For Love of the Game: Sonic 2 HD

Fandom: Gone to the Movies

Amber Ahlborn — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 15:00:00 GMT

Video game fans are something else. I've been a gamer since forever but despite my long term interest in the industry, I'm simply not at the level of people who create self playing Mario levels or sprite based Flash movies. These are the super fans who have talent (and a lot of time) on their hands and aren't afraid to use their powers for the forces of geekiness.

Today I simply must pay homage to the creation of one “Alvin Earthworm” who has brought us Super Mario Bros. Z.

Check out the first three episodes:

Super Mario Bros. Z takes the characters from the Mario and Sonic universes and mashes them together with a Dragon Ball Z inspired plot line, and it works freakishly well. Everything about this series has been polished to a shine with impressive sprite animation, sound, and clever writing. So far the series is up to episode 7 and it really does keep getting better.

You can find the full complement of episodes at the smbz homepage or just Google Super Mario Bros. Z to find them hosted all over the place; a good thing since the fan site has been crushed under the weight of its own popularity a few times already.

The only bad thing I can say about Super Mario Bros. Z is it's sure hard to wait for the next chapter. I know these are a lot of work and I appreciate your dedication Mr. “Earthworm”. So, when's episode 8 coming out?

Related Links:

How Deep Are You Into Fandom?

Brave New Super Mario World

The Mother 3 Strategy Guide: Fandom Done Right

Quality? Not For You, America

Bob Mackey — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 02:30:00 GMT

Yesterday, i gave pure evil the benefit of the doubt and claimed that Sonic Unleashed might not be completely disappointing. Soon after making that post, I found out some disturbing news: we (meaning all of you proud, patriotic Americans out there) are getting an inferior version of a game that promises to at least be better than airborne, infectious cancer. According to Wired's Game|Life:

Sega has announced that the Xbox 360 and PlayStation 3 versions of Sonic Unleashed in Japan -- where it's known as Sonic World Adventure -- are getting pushed back from their original December 18 release date to the nebulous "spring 2009."

The move doesn't affect the Wii version -- still set for December 18 -- and the only reasons stated for the delay are to "further enhance the content" and "improve the quality" of the title.

The North American Xbox 360 version of Unleashed is set to come out November 24, and Sega's US site for the game has no mention of any delays.

The transparency of quotes like "further enhance the content" and "improve the quality" are pretty astounding. Where was Sega's PR department, whose job is to turn blunt statements like these into easy-to-swallow lies? You know, stuff like "Our computers ran out of blue" and "We need to stock up on more RAMs." Right now, Sega's statements are implicitly stating that there will be a lack of both content and quality in the American version of Unleashed, and that ain't good. It's not uncommon to see a refined edition of a game come out later in Japan and never make it to the States--like Final Fantasy XII International Zodiac Job System--but this is just some straight-up Sega dumbness.

Sega, we all want to like Sonic again. Why won't you let us?

Related Links:

New Sonic Game Looking Strangely Tolerable
FMV Hell: Sonic CD
For Love of the Game: Sonic 2 HD

New Sonic Game Looking Strangely Tolerable

Bob Mackey — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 02:00:00 GMT

I know, I know; Sega's been using the marketing ploy of "This time we didn't fuck up!" for over half a decade now. But there's something strangely compelling about this new footage of Sonic Unleashed I recently scrounged up from YouTube. Many of the franchise's problems still exist in Unleashed, but the game play looks refreshingly traditional. Check it out:

The clip starts out with a less-than-promising addition: a new shitty friend for Sonic who goes by the name of Chip. There's also about two minutes of cutscenes, when all we really need are two sentences: "You are Sonic. Go fast." But the game play--which resembles the best parts of Sonic Adventure 1 and 2--looks okay, even if it does feature the same sort of cruise control action that's been attached to Sonic since the Dreamcast days. I've always been under the impression that Sonic needs a complete overhaul; his simple transition from 2D to 3D produced a rather empty series of games that don't require much input from the player. But still, we takes what we can gets, and Sonic Unleashed could be much worse.

Of course, I'm going to hold my tongue until the game actually comes out--I won't exactly be surprised if Unleashed needlessly includes multiple game genres and interminable stories about inter-species love. But at least we know that they've gotten one level right! That's all the congratulation my healthy sense of skepticism will allow.

Related Links:

Sonic Bound: After Three Botched Reboots, Sonic the Hedgehog May Finally Get His 3D Due
The Aberration of Sonic
Sonic's Lost Innocence...Sort Of.

Game Compilations: The Good, the Bad, and the Fugly

John Constantine — Thu, 06 Nov 2008 22:00:00 GMT

Time was, I thought game compilations, museum, and anniversary collections, and anything else you’d want to call them were the cat’s meow. Greatest thing since sliced bread. The *ahem* tits. Then The Mega Man Anniversary Collection for Gamecube came out back in 2004. Fifty simoleons for all eight console Mega Man games plus an opportunity to finally play Mega Man: The Power Battle and Power Fighters? Sounds like a dream come true. Then I found out that instead of the A button making the little blue fella shoot and the B button making him jump, the buttons were reversed for the compilation. There is no way to change this control scheme. It turns playing Mega Man 1 through 6 into a personalized hell, the place where cheat code users go when they die. Compilations are dangerous business because, more often than not, the publisher puts no effort whatsoever into them and people buy them anyway. That’s how you end up with Mega Man’s jumping and shooting getting reversed, how Sega releases not one, but two Sonic the Hedgehog collections with fantastic unlockables that are almost impossible to unlock, and how Namco can release the same damn Galaga/Dig Dug/Pac-man collection nine-hundred times.

Of course, they really can be a treat. Despite all the load times and inaccessible unlockables, the Sonic Mega Collection is still a great way to play Sonic at his best. Occasionally, budget numbers like the Capcom Classics Mini Mix, a no-frills GBA collection with Bionic Commando NES, Strider NES, and Mighty Final Fight, can come along and introduce you to games you’ve never ever heard of. (Seriously, Mighty Final Fight? When did that happen? It’s got mini Haggar!) They are a more palatable alternative to Virtual Console-style downloads too, as far as price is concerned. Sega’s just-announced Sonic’s Ultimate Genesis Collection for PS3 and Xbox 360 comes with forty games, and for thirty bucks you get what Nintendo would charge $120 for on Wii. Plus, they wouldn’t even all fit on the Wii’s memory! But again, the production values are highly questionable. As Jeremy Parish pointed out with the screen Sega released of Shinobi III, the emulation work on this new collection isn’t exactly screaming HD-console-quality visuals. Look at this:

That's a game that Backbone Entertainment has already put on Xbox Live Arcade! It didn't look half that muddy. See?

So, what’s the problem? Why can’t Sega, and every other publisher with a mind to, release well-considered, value-laden collections like the Capcom Classics Collection (which has radical Street Fighter tutorials?)

(Link: Joystiq)

Editor's Note: Pictured at the top is Sega's own Fantasy Zone Complete collection. It is awesome.

Related links:

What I'm Playing This Weekend: Mega Man Anniversary Collection
Sega "Gets" the Wii
Infinite Mega Man 9: Composer Ippo Yamada Talks Living Up to a Serious Musical Pedigree
Where I Draw the Line With Retro
Growl, Snarl, Bark: Screw Attack's Top 10 Genesis Games