61 Frames Per Second : nintendo

Who Here Has Beaten Super Mario Bros “Lost Levels”?

Amber Ahlborn — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 02:00:00 GMT

A speed run video for Super Mario Bros. Lost Levels has been making the rounds and I just wanted to ask, how many of you out there have beaten this game yourselves? I have. It's evil, Nintendo Hard, and not terribly fun. That's okay, games don't have to be fun to offer a good experience (the topic of a forthcoming post actually).

I bought Super Mario All Stars for my SNES and battled my way through every Mario title on it. Super Mario Bros. 2 was actually the first Mario game I owned, and it took me half a year to beat it. Years later it didn't take me as long to beat Lost Levels (I'd gotten to be a lot better gamer y'see) and finishing that sucker was incredibly satisfying. Someday, when I'm feeling just slightly masochistic, I'll play it again.

Also, don't forget to Vote!

Think you're good?

This guy is really good.

Related Links:

Let the Mega Man 9 Speed Runs Begin

Indie Dev Moment: The Glory of Thunder Lizards, Speed, and Extinction

A Few Thoughts on Wii Graphics

Happy Endings With House of the Dead: Overkill

John Constantine — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 19:00:00 GMT

Happy Endings is a new, semi-regular feature on 61FPS that highlights some of gaming’s most memorable climaxes. Most games end badly. These games sum it all up in style. It goes without saying that Happy Endings is spoiler heavy so beware before you proceed.

House of the Dead: Overkill could have been an astounding failure. Headstrong Games had a decent pedigree, and there was little doubt that they could make a solid, entertaining rail shooter that stood next to the very best in Sega’s franchise, but humor is hard to implement in any game. Styling Overkill as a 1970s grindhouse feature was a brilliant move in theory, but making something that looks and sounds cool is a far cry from making something smart and legitimately funny. Headstrong pulled it off though. From the guffaw-worthy banter between Detective Washington and Agent G, to the waving American flag that adorns your health bar after stringing together thirty consecutive kills (yes, that combo is called a “Goregasm”), Overkill pulled off the impossible: it was a good game that was also funny.

But none of its cheese, ultra violence, or winking nods to classic exploitation prepared me for this dialog at the end.

As G and Washington fly off into the sunset on a helicopter, having killed the villain’s towering mother-turned-zombie-monster, they have this exchange:

“Frankly, Casanova, I’d be more worried about reading the past twelve hours as a fucking indictment of contemporary feminism!”

“Beg pardon?”

“I just think two dick wielding cop clichés taking down a one-hundred foot birthing mother is a statement limited in its interpretations.”

“I’m not sure you can read too much into that.”

“Not to mention the strongest female role model in this entire affair ain’t much more than a girkin in a pickle jar!” (Female lead Varla Guns is just a jar-bound brain at this point.)

I didn’t even know what to say when I saw this. Can anyone out there show me a single other game that actually ends on a self-analyzing punchline? No. Because it doesn’t happen. The princess is in another castle, tee-hee, does not count.

Related links:

Ode to the Light Gun or The Only Peripheral You’ll Ever Need
WTFriday: Goldman's Drama Academy
Trailer Review: House of the Dead – Overkill
Will Games Ever Be Funny?

My Night At DJ School With Rhythm Heaven

Derrick Sanskrit — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 14:30:00 GMT

I've written about Nintendo's Rhythm Heaven and its predecessor Rhythm Tengoku a couple of times before. I love them, they are my ideal games. Nintendo did not need to do anything fancy to get me excited about the game's long-awaited western release, and yet they were kind enough to invite me to their DJ School event hosted at Scratch DJ Academy last week. You guys are so good to me sometimes.

A decidedly casual affair outside of the hors d'ouevre, most of the people I talked to there were from local community meet-ups and hip-hop discussion groups, a welcome change from the depressingly stereotypical otaku at most of the Nintendo events I've attended. DS kiosks glowed on the dancefloor, surrounded on all sides by turntables, and everyone seemed to be having a good time playing around with both.

Describing the night's activity is kind of futile, though, so here's a video I shot to give you all a better idea of how it went down:

I did feel a little down that I didn't get to compete at the end of the night and show off the vinyl scratching skillz I'd picked up in the previous two hours, but considering I would have dominated in the DS portion of the competition, I also would have felt bad depriving somebody else of the prizes.

All in all, I had a blast. Chatting with real people about a video game they'd mostly never heard of or touched before that night which I'd already completed twice (granted, in another language) provided a fun new persepective, and getting a few pointers on scratching records was sort of a daydream-come-true for me. Add on that this was all to show off and promote what will probably end up being my favorite game of 2009 and DJ School may very well be my favorite game-related event I've attended in years. More like this, please!

Related articles:
Whatcha Playing: Tappable Rhythm Sequels
Fun Fact: Metroid Meets Metronome
Make The Music With Your Games, Kids!

8-Bit Love: The Ten Greatest Vintage Game Songs to Have Sex To, part 2

John Constantine — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 21:00:00 GMT

Cyriaque Lamar is a New York-based writer with a New Jersey-bred weltanschauung. He’s had original work published at Cracked.com and performed at The New York International Fringe Festival. Cyriaque is thrilled to contribute to 61FPS, as it brings him one step closer to his childhood dream of living on the set of Nick Arcade.

5.) Final Fight CD – “Walk In the Park (Bay Area)”

System: Sega CD (1993)
Sounds Like: A sweaty nooner with Don Johnson.
I always loved the premise of Final Fight. The idea of a city’s mayor stripping down to his underjohns and beating the shit out of unemployed people in order to stimulate job growth was really ahead of its time. Wait? Mike Haggar was actually fighting to save his daughter from an evil street gang? And here I thought the game was some kind of radical Objectivist propaganda. This Bay Area theme is classic whatever console you play Final Fight on, but the Sega CD version pushes it to the limit with gale-force porno guitars. Seriously, these riffs are like an F4 on the Fujita Scale. In my mind’s eye, the person who would get the most out of this track wears a ton of sea foam green and frequents Fort Lauderdale whorehouses. Sometimes, you just gotta be that person. When it comes to the Sega CD, the only thing sleazier is Night Trap.

4.) Chrono Trigger – Schala’s Theme

System: Super Nintendo (1995)
Sounds Like: Ravi Shankar, Level 12 Bard.
Another track from wunderkind Yasunori Mitsuda? Man, I should just wear my Chrono Trigger fanboyism on a t-shirt. Or a hat! Yes, a big fucking sombrero like those worn by morbidly obese stockbrokers at Jimmy Buffet concerts. My sombrero will depict the final battle against Lavos, with Robo, Lucca and Magus executing the Omega Flare triple tech. After I conceive my first-born son wearing this sombrero, I will store it in the broom closet until his first day of middle school, at which point I will place my abomination of a hat on his head and send him on his way. When he inevitably comes home tearful and bruised, his Chrono Sombrero torn asunder, I will embrace him and say, “Today you learned what it is to be a man. We’re ordering pizza tonight.”

3.) Streets of Rage 2 – S.O.R. Super Mix

System: Sega Genesis (1992)
Sounds Like: The Madchester music scene mashed into a Mega Drive cartridge.
I lived in Baltimore a few years ago. My neighborhood was more Pink Flamingos than The Wire, mostly pleasant with pockets of dicey urbanity. This track by the great Yuzo Kushiro (Actraiser) syncs up with that time in my life rather aptly. I had the streets and I had the rage. I also had the sick piano breakdown at 1:36. That emotional miasma and sweet key work made for a heady love making combo. Still does. It was a weird time in my life, but not Streets of Rage 2 weird. Game’s about a twelve-year-old in rollerblades who dismantles a heavily-armed crime syndicate. Go figure.

2.) The Last Ninja 2 – “The Mansion”

System: Commodore 64 (1988)
Sounds Like: Coming home from work, only to discover John Carpenter banging your wife.
Matt Gray’s soundtrack to The Last Ninja 2 is one of the better things in life, and “The Mansion” is one of its most memorable tracks. Its utility goes far beyond the bedroom. Sure, you and a buddy can thrust away to this instrumental’s nearly eight minutes of analog acrobatics, but why not use it for a more grand occasion? “The Mansion” is a more than adequate proxy for Pachelbel. It’ll make your nuptials more like the wedding scene from Big Trouble in Little China.

1.) Tetris – “A-Type”

System: Game Boy (1989)
Sounds Like: Tetris. Duh.
There’s nothing inherently sexy about the Tetris theme. Thing is, everyone knows “A-Type”, and if you blast it in the sack, you will be your partner’s most memorable lover ever. Period. It doesn’t even matter how good or bad the sex is. Every time this pops into an ex-lover’s head, he or she’ll have no choice but to sigh, “[Your Name Here] balled me to the Tetris theme.” Decades may pass, but once they recall those opening Bolshevik bleep-bloops, a mnemonic trigger will kick in and your shining nudity will be all they have ever known.

Part 1

Previous Top Tens:

The Ten Greatest Ice Levels in Gaming History
The Ten Greatest Classic Mega Man Levels
The Ten Videogames That Should Have Been Controversial
The Ten Greatest Opening Levels in Gaming History
The Ten Most Adventurous Sequels in Gaming History
The Ten Greatest Fire Levels in Gaming History

8-Bit Love: The Ten Greatest Vintage Game Songs to Have Sex To, part 1

John Constantine — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 20:00:00 GMT

Cyriaque Lamar is a New York-based writer with a New Jersey-bred weltanschauung. He’s had original work published at Cracked.com and performed at The New York International Fringe Festival. Cyriaque is thrilled to contribute to 61FPS, as it brings him one step closer to his childhood dream of living on the set of Nick Arcade.

There are three reasons this list exists. First, I felt obliged to highlight 61FPS’s distinction as the gaming apparatchik of an internet sex publication. Second, I wished to showcase the unsung virtuosos of yesteryear who made masterworks using a limited palette of sounds. Finally, I intend to rebut those critics who still dismiss video games as low culture. Using the below examples, I intend to reclaim the carnal legacy of video games by evincing how early console music illustrated the gamut of human sexuality, from atavistic, heteronormative modes of eroticism to polymorphous perversity as delineated by Freud.

Plus, the thought of people sticking penises into vaginas to Nintendo music is funny.

10.) Radical Dreamers – “The Girl Who Stole the Stars”

System: Super Famicom Satellaview (1996)
Sounds Like: Koyaanisqatsi composed on Mario Paint.
Since roughly 95% of all human lovemaking involves someone with a XX chromosome pairing, I thought it necessary to seek out my female associates’ thoughts on which game music best applies to amore. The suggestions I received were few yet incisive — responses ranged from “the Kid Icarus theme” to “Who the eff effs to video games?” Ultimately though, I deferred to my own instincts and picked this pan-pipe jam from the Japan-exclusive, text-based sequel to Chrono Trigger. Composed by the legendary Yasunori Mitsuda, “The Girl Who Stole the Stars” is easily the most romantic theme on our list.

9.) Pole Position – Background noise

System: Atari 65XE (1985)
Sounds Like: Skynet becoming sentient.
The way I see it, there are two types of lovers in this world. The first type does it to The Whispers and The O’Jays, whereas the second diddles to Autechre, Radio-Activity-era Kraftwerk and the hum of AC units. The grating 8-bit drone of this Namco racing classic, is dedicated to the latter group — those who bang to cold, robotic minimalism. It’s also worth nothing that “PREPARE TO QUALIFY” is perhaps the best pre-coital war cry I’ve ever heard, particularly when your partner has no clue what you’re yelling about. Nothing improves foreplay like car metaphors and total incoherence. Remember the make-out scene from Gone In 60 Seconds?

Editor's Note: The Nerve and 61PFS by-laws state that no mention of Pole Position may go unaccompanied by this link.

8.) Metal Gear 2: Solid Snake – “Night Fall”

System: MSX2 (1990)
Sounds Like: Passion. Yearning. Crates.
Solid Snake, Big Boss, Naked Snake. Nobody pens phallic codenames quite like Metal Gear creator Hideo Kojima. This harmonica-fueled ditty is from the Japanese version of Metal Gear 2. “Night Fall” is the only song on this list with an in-game pedigree as a sex jam — it plays when Solid Snake angles for some love during wartime. He totally strikes out, but what did you expect? With all that spying and peeping he does, I always figured Snake likes to watch.

7.) Zoda’s Revenge: StarTropics II – “Dungeon Theme #2”

System: Nintendo (1994)
Sounds Like: Vicki Sue Robinson’s “Turn the Beat Around” sung by an alcoholic Speak & Spell.
Most of the songs thus far have a “Quiet-Storm-meets-Q*Bert” vibe, so we’re going to shake it up with a certifiable club banger. When it comes to dance floor heaters about time-traveling teenagers fighting crudely-animated yetis, “Dungeon Theme #2” is impossible to trump. Play it at your next party and bookend it with some Crystal Castles and Futurecop. If some loser balks, matter-of-factly reply, “This is some old-school Japanese shit. Kanye’s totally sampling this for his next single.” You’ll only be half-lying.

6.) Donkey Kong Country 2 – “Stickerbrush Symphony”

System: Super Nintendo (1995)
Sounds Like: Massive Attack’s “Heat Miser” driven by a Casio horn section.
What the hell is this? This is a game about a pair of simians wearing Payless sneakers. It’s borderline profane to have a track this Sade-smooth in a Donkey Kong game, but consider the alternative — the DKC2 soundtrack could well have been five hours of the Donkey Kong Rap . Credit goes to Rare composer David Wise for making a bramble maze filled with bees sound downright silky. So silky, in fact, that it's perfect for exploring your partner's very own bramble maze.

Part 2

Previous Top Tens:

The Ten Greatest Ice Levels in Gaming History
The Ten Greatest Classic Mega Man Levels
The Ten Videogames That Should Have Been Controversial
The Ten Greatest Opening Levels in Gaming History
The Ten Most Adventurous Sequels in Gaming History
The Ten Greatest Fire Levels in Gaming History

Your April Mission, If You Choose to Accept It

John Constantine — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 20:00:00 GMT

I am going to use a few phrases right now that I find unsavory. It’s best to take the band-aid approach in these situations, get it all that pain out of the way in one quick, nasty motion. *Breath*. Gamer community. Blogosphere. Trend. *GASP* Ow. That sucked.

Anyway, the point. April hasn’t been short of news or goings on in the gaming world – the DSi came out last Sunday, there a new Jak and Daxter coming, lots of savory news to satisfy the fanatic soul – but there’s a strong air of discontent across the gaming community blogosphere this week. April is a dead zone for new games this year. Not a whole lot coming out. Starbreeze’s Chronicles of Riddick came out a couple of days ago, and that’s pretty much it for even cult favorites until May. So fans, bloggers, enthusiasts, the whole sordid scene is grumbling.

Today, I ask everyone reading, everyone out there who likes videogames just a bit too much and follows the industry just a bit too closely, to do one simple thing: go play something old. There are hundreds of great games out there, far more than any one person will ever have time to play. It’s spring time. Go outside, enjoy the air, have sex, drink an iced tea, and when you do sit down to play some games, tackle that backlog. Revisit an old favorite. Take a recommendation from a friend.

Just because nothing new is coming out, that don’t mean there’s not stuff to play. Love the one you’re with, dear reader!

Related links:

Chiptune Friday: Spring Into Spring With Sonic
Spring Cleaning: Dusting Off Your Old Games
Chiptune Friday: Spring Is In the Air With Okami

Dragon Quest X and the Wii Lifetime Equation

John Constantine — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 21:00:00 GMT

It didn’t hit me until today just how long the Wii is going to stick around. Forget the fact that Nintendo have sold millions upon millions of consoles in record time or that the box continues to sell in vast quantities on a monthly basis. The real metric is Dragon Quest.

Consider this: there have been just three new Dragon Quest games released in the last seventeen years. The shortest gap between games was the three years between Dragon Quest V and Dragon Quest VI, the longest the five years before VII was released. Square-Enix plans to release Dragon Quest IX in July, a full five years after Dragon Quest VIII. This averages out to a new Dragon Quest every 4.25 years.

Dragon Quest X was announced for the Wii last December. It’s reasonable then to assume we won’t see DQX until early 2013. That’ll be the Wii’s seventh year and Dragon Quest X’s release will guarantee the system at least one million more consoles sold that year.

Dragon Quest X + Wii = Potentially the longest shelf life for a Nintendo home console.

Math is fun!

Related links:

The 61FPS Review: Dragon Quest IV – Chapters of the Chosen
The 61FPS Review: Dragon Quest V: Hand of the Heavenly Bride
Dragon Quest III Remake Translation Patch Released
The 'Bout Time Report: Dragon Quest IX Gets a Release Date

Namco, Your Klonoa Commercial is Dangerously Misleading

John Constantine — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 01:00:00 GMT

Spoiler Warning. Giant, story-ruining, spoiler warning. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Spoiler Warning.

You know what, Namco, I’m getting a little tired of having to have these talks with you. I know you’re tired of it too. If you paid attention, this wouldn’t be happening. You’ve been doing a lot of good lately, and I want you to know I’m proud of you for it. Not only did you decide to remake Klonoa: Door to Phantomile on the game’s tenth anniversary, you brought back much of the Klonoa Works team to make it. Director Hideo Yoshizawa, artist Yoshihiko Arai, and composer Kanako Kakino. Wise, Namco, wise. You even decided against that atrocious redesign of Klonoa you were batting around last year.

This commercial, though, Namco. I don’t know if this is a very smart choice. It’s a little… misleading.

Yeah those kids sure are having fun. That announcer’s letting us know it too. Awesome. Some parent is going to buy Klonoa for their kid because it's about a fluffy bunny-cat man and his smiley face friend after watching this, for sure. Tell me this though?

How’s that happy kid going to feel when they get to the end of the eighth level and Klonoa's screaming, holding the corpse of his murdered grandfather?

How about when he beats it and he's told that Klonoa’s entire life was a lie and then the fluffy bunny-cat is forcefully torn out of reality, clutching onto the hands of the best friend that betrayed him?

Yeah. Way to think it through, Namco.

Editor’s Note: I wrote an article some months back identifying Shuichi Sakurazaki as the creator and director of Klonoa: Door to Phantomile. Seems that the credit should go to Hideo Yoshizawa. That said, as far as I can tell, these two men might be the same person. Anyone out there know what the deal is? The internet is less than forthcoming with the appropriate facts.

(Link: Kotaku)

Related links:

Klonoa: Careful, Namco. You Tread On My Dreams.
Klonoa's Truimphant(?) Return
Underrated: Klonoa Series
Where is Shuichi Sakurazaki, Creator of Ninja Gaiden?

Friend Codes from an Outsider's Perspective

Bob Mackey — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 22:00:00 GMT

If you're a hardcore Nintendo gamer, you've undoubtedly run into the problem of friend codes. For the most part, the unintuitive nature of Nintendo's online service (quick, tell me how to find your Wii's friend code) has been aggravating to those of us used to the user-friendly ways of XBox Live and PSN, as well any pedophiles out there looking to snag a pre-teen's digits--though I guess we shouldn't feel too bad for the latter group.

The topic of friend code frustration came up on the always-entertaining Drunken Gamer Radio this week, when one of the hosts talked about the impossibility of explaining the friend code system to a casual gamer eager to hop online with a Nintendo title. I experienced the very same thing a few weeks ago, when my girlfriend picked up a DS along with Animal Crossing; she planned on checking out the online features of the game, and asked me--an Animal Crossing veteran--how to do such a thing. At this point, I poured a big, sweaty glass of scotch and muttered, "Sit down. This is going to take a while."

What follows is a written reenactment of our conversation.

"So what do I do to get online in this game?"

"Well, first you need to find out your friend code. I can't remember if the DS has one or if the game has one." (I hit up Google) "Oh, it's just the game."

"So how do I know what my friend code is?"

"I'm not sure." (I hit up Google again) "Oh, you have to get it from someone in your town."

"Now what?"

"Now you need to find someone who has the game and make sure that you both have each others' friend codes. Then you need to coordinate a time when at least one of you has the game on in online mode."

"But I don't know anyone else with the game."

"Um, Internet?" (At this point I made a break for the door.)

Keep in mind that this post is not intended to patronize the uninformed; it's meant to show how impenetrable Nintendo's online features can be if you're not aware of how stupid they are--hell, when I picked up the DS Animal Crossing for myself a few years ago, it took me a bit of digging to find out just how I could play that bad boy online. Admittedly, Nintendo's ass-backwards ways do a good job of keeping children safe without parental intervention, but I can't imagine the amount of people who've given up on trying to take a Nintendo game online due to all of the convolution involved. Sure, complaining about friend codes is akin to pissing in the wind at this point, but it still seems a bit odd that the company is happy with befuddling and frustrating their casual audience along with us uber-nerds.

Related Links:

Two Years In: The Wii's Feats of Strength and Its Disappointments
Why the Wii's Hardware Sucks
NYCC 2009 - Ghostbusters Wii

There Is Significance Behind Super Mario's Cosplay

Nadia Oxford — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 00:08:00 GMT

Life isn't much good at being fair, and it's terrible at baking cookies. But it's great with lessons on perspective, and Lord knows it excels at making you feel old.

I thought I had young gamers figured out. I would sometimes stand in the Arrivals lobby of the airport and wait for a travel-weary grandma to shuffle in with outstretched arms. Once her grandson or granddaughter shrieked with recognition and charged, I'd stand between the two with a large poster of Mario. One hundred percent of the time, grandma was abandoned for a hug with the Mario poster.

I conducted this experiment to determine how recognisable Mario actually is, and also because I like making grandmothers cry. In conclusion, Mario is easily pointed out by the very young and the very old, and everyone in between—but not every aspect of Mario's character is acknowledged universally.

When we think of Mario, we think of a fat Italian guy who wears a hat and loves to bounce around saying, “Woo-hooo!” But Mario is more than a long-time Princess rescuer: he's also a master of shape-shifting. Every new adventure gives him some kind of alterform: a frog, a raccoon, a ghost, a Superman, etcetera, etcetera. Knowledge of these disguises and a twenty-second elevator ride taught me that just because Mario is so easy to point it in a crowd, it doesn't mean his image has remained consistent among gamers of all ages.

A couple of years back, a friend made me a Frog Mario button. I put it on my purse and never had the good sense to remove it, so it's still there. A few days ago, I was riding the elevator up to my apartment, and an eight-year-old kid who boarded with his dad noticed my button.

He said, “It's Luigi!”

Interesting take, I have to admit: when you see something green and vaguely Mario-ish, you may as well default to Luigi. I said, “No, but you're close.”

He looked at me, confused.

“It's Frog Mario.”

You know that stare kids give you when you start speaking to them in tongues?

His dad said, “I think he's too young for that.”

“I was your age when I first played Mario 3,” I told the kid. He looked conflicted. No doubt he hears “When I was your age” as often as we grown-ups hear, “You're past due on this pornography bill,” and he's likely tired of it. On the other hand, no young boy wants to pass up a conversation about Super Mario.

He said, “I like New Super Mario Bros! See, I was fighting Bowser, and there was this fire, right, and--”

Dad interrupted. “But who actually finished the game?”

The kid pointed to his dad.

He was still talking as he was pulled out of the elevator. Until that moment, it had never occurred to me that a young kid might not realise the significance behind Frog Mario, or Raccoon Mario, or even Caped Mario. Despite revivals on the Game Boy Advance and the Virtual Console, he belongs to the retro game community. That's okay, because without change, there is no survival...and Bee Mario is almost as fuzzy and cute as Tanooki Mario. Almost.

Related Links:

Brave New Super Mario World
Super Mario World is Terrifying!
Super Mario's Warp Whistle Mishap

Jet Grind Television: WiiSpray

John Constantine — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 23:30:00 GMT

Last summer, Martin Lihs finished his thesis project at Bauhaus-University. Amidst the ocean of Wii remote mods created in the past three years, Lihs’ is especially cool. The WiiSpray is a plastic spray paint can with the motion sensing guts of your average Wiimote. Today, the WiiSpray has its own functioning interface and it lives up the homebrew peripheral’s promise. Utilizing the Wii’s internal tech and flash, Lihs has created a marvelous slick interface that recreates the look of Earth’s best urban vandalism. There are even stencils!

Being the consumer whore I am, I immediately starting thinking about WiiSpray’s potential franchise use. Jet Grind Radio is an obvious first choice. Imagine modifying the original’s analog skating with a smooth point and click interface that has you zipping about the city, choosing your tag spot and then filling the screen with your brick-and-mortar canvass. Then DJ Professor K could judge your style, spitting anarchist drivel out of the WiiSpray’s speaker.

The other might seem like a fanboy’s wishful thinking, but Mario Paint Wii would be another great fit for Lihs’ creation. The original Mario Paint is a technological anachronism in this day and age, considering how its core tools come built into damn near every operating system in existence. A new Mario Paint, however, packed with unique plug-in peripherals like WiiSpray, could modernize that classic in fine form. I could finally finish that cartoon I started in 1995 and I wouldn’t have to use that ridiculous mouse!

Check out the WiiSpray here.

(Link: Boing Boing)

Related links:

WTFriday: The Mario Paint Music Showcase
Handjobs for Homebrew: Mario Paint Composer DS
Have You Seen This XBox Game?
Sega, Show Some Decency

Give Super Punch-Out a Chance

Bob Mackey — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 23:00:00 GMT

I've been talking about Punch-Out a lot this week, from blogging about the new Wii update yesterday to gabbing about it on the Stand Under the Don't Tree and Riddle Me This podcast on Tuesday (episode release forthcoming). In fact, I've had so much Punch-Out on the brain that I happened to overlook the fact that one of my favorite games of all time, Super Punch-Out, saw a Virtual Console release this Monday. And now that I no longer have to play Sophie's Choice when it's time to decide which Wii Channel needs to die for the sake of a new download, you can bet I was beating the living snot out of large, cartoonish boxers as soon as humanly possible.

I've come to observe that Super Punch-Out is mostly unknown and unloved, especially when compared to its iconic little brother--a cultural touchstone for anyone growing up in the 80s (I guess we all wanted to beat up Mike Tyson). But when you strip away the nostalgia, Super Punch-Out is actually a much better game. Regrettably, it lacks a bit of the character that made the first one so memorable--there's no Doc, NYC jogging vignettes, or mid-round chatter--but Super Punch-Out is still a perfection and expansion of all the things that made the original game so great. And you get to beat up a clown--the deepest, darkest desire of any normal human being.

I'll admit that I overlooked Super Punch-Out back during the game's original 1994 release--after all, what more could you do with such a limited premise? But when I played it years later through the magic of emulation, I discovered it was everything I loved about the original game, but better: Little Mac had a few new moves to play around with, but some new power punches were nothing compared to what his 16 opponents (no repeat boxers here) could do. And, just like the original, SPO is a real showcase of Nintendo first-party polish; the characters are huge, well-animated, and still impressive today--and the realistic sound effects are contrastingly brutal for such a cartoony game.

Rather than reimagining old franchises, the best games of the 16-bit era perfected them; and Super Punch-Out--along with Super Metroid, Super Mario World, and A Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past--is a fine example of this trend. Don't miss out on this great game a second time.

Related Links:

The Problem with Punch-Out
Warning: Wii Punch-Out!! Might Just Kill You
The Erotic Adventure of Little Mac

Donkey Kong II’s Revisionist History Rights Old Wrongs

John Constantine — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 21:00:00 GMT

Am I the only person on the internet who didn’t know this existed? Jeff Kulczycki, proprietor of Jeff’s Romhack, made a full on sequel to Donkey Kong entitled Donkey Kong II: Jumpman Returns. The game has a little something for everybody. For the folks out there who just love the original Donkey Kong and don’t love Donkey Kong ’94, Jeff’s made four brand new levels for you to play. For the people who still consider Donkey Kong Jr’s vilification of Mario to be a grave injustice, here’s your chance to engage in soothing revisionist history. If you want to get try out Donkey Kong II, you can head over to the infamous Funspot Arcade in New Hampshire to try and earn a killscreen of your very own. If you actually happen to own a Donkey Kong cabinet, you can actually purchase a ROM upgrade and soup that baby up. If you’re merely curious, here’s a full playthrough.

Kulczycki’s original levels are well made, blending with the original four while providing pleasant upgrades. The orange-yellow color scheme is especially nice. Falling pies don’t strike me as the sort of thing you’d find a giant ape hurling off a construction site, but hey, fireballs aren’t typically sentient.

Hit up Jeff’s Romhack here.

(Link: NeoGAF)

Related links:

Licensing Tragedies: The Donkey Kong Country Cartoon
Alternate Soundtrack - Donkey Kong '94 vs. Les Savy Fav
No Alternate Soundtrack: Donkey Kong Jungle Beat
Fandom Unplugged: '80s Arcades and Hero Worship

The Problem with Punch-Out

Bob Mackey — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 19:00:00 GMT

Hardcore Nintendo fans have been grumbling this generation, and most would say rightfully so; the Wii updates to beloved franchises like Super Mario Kart, Animal Crossing, and Super Smash Bros. have been rehashes--and sometimes downgrades--of games seen last generation. Even The Legend of Zelda: Twlight Princess wasn't much more than a prettier Ocarina of Time. But Nintendo knows what bones to throw to the hardcore, and they throw them well. Take the upcoming Punch-Out, for example; old-school Nintendo fanboys have been heralding it as the Wii equivalent of The Second Coming, despite the fact that it's merely a pretty remake of a game they played 20 years ago. For Nintendo, this is a win-win situation--after all, they can keep the most vocal minority of their fanbase happy while appealing to the casuals who will no doubt buy this game en masse. But to the impartial observer, the freak-out over this long-awaited sequel calls into question just how much we're willing to forgive when something repeatedly jabs at our nostalgia nerve.

Before the hate starts a-flowin' let me say that I'm super-psyched for Punch-Out, but I still have a healthy dose of skepticism. While the game looks (and reportedly plays) like it was developed internally, if the reports of it being no more complex than the original Punch-Out are true, I'm going to be a tad disappointed. With Super Punch Out, the better but less-iconic sequel, Nintendo realized that the puzzle-fighting of the original game could only be stretched so far, so they added only a degree of fisticuff complexity along with boxers which had a much larger variety of moves. All in all, a perfect game, and a logical conclusion to the Punch Out series. But this new game looks to provide a more accessible and familiar experience at the cost of everything that made the sequel so great.

For now, I'm hoping that the gameplay impressions I've been getting from podcasts and the like will be improved upon with some in-depth previews sometime this month. Until then, I'm going to be a big, stinky curmudgeon about Punch Out, mostly because I hate fun. Please forgive me.

Related Links:

Everything You Need to Know About the Wii Storage Solution
GDC News: Final Fantasy to Hit Virtual Console
Reminder: Nintendo of Japan Still Gets All the Nicest Things

The New Graphics Whores: Bit.Trip Beat is Gorgeous, But Retro Style Does Not Equate Quality

John Constantine — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 22:30:00 GMT

A strange thing happened to me between downloading Bit.Trip Beat and beating its first boss. While delighting in its vivid color, laughing at its signature character leaving rainbows in his wake across digital space, and letting its infectious chiptune beats colonize my brain, I realized that I wasn’t having any fun. That’s fine — I’m a firm believer in the fact that a game doesn’t need to be fun to be good — but I was expecting to have fun. I wanted to have fun. I was engaged by it, but not in a good way. I found the game to be overbearing and stressful. Then it hit me: Bit.Trip Beat is a bad game.

Its presentation is immaculate and the idea behind its play is sound; a horizontal shooter that has you deflecting objects instead of projecting them, making ammunition and enemy one and the same — Pong + Arkanoid + Gradius = Bit.Trip Beat — is a great foundation. The game is broken though. The motion controls are adequate but far too sensitive, and the game doesn’t allow you to adjust the sensitivity. It also doesn’t offer d-pad control, so you’re stuck. As you chain together hits in rhythm to the music, your combo meter rises and the visual effects start to intensify. They intensify so much that the color and flashes of light make it impossible to follow the action. It should be challenging to play at a high level, of course, but it should come from the speed and layout of the game’s obstacles, not because it’s hard to see. Most problematic though is that there is no respite throughout Bit.Trip’s long levels. Scrolling shooters necessitate moments of peace that allow you to refocus and rest before the next series of challenges. You need chances to blink. Without them, the game becomes exhausting. Bit.Trip is oppressive, necessitating that you pay attention constantly, or fail as a result. In spite of these game breaking problems, Bit.Trip’s scoring very well in reviews. Why?

I worry that Bit.Trip Beat’s critical success is a case of the Emperor getting a new wardrobe. Game critics, fans, and casual players are all enamored with the retro-styled games trend. Games with chic visual and aural designs that recall gaming’s NES, Atari, and early-arcade heyday are in high demand right now and I think that some people might be willing to praise a game based solely on its aesthetics. They're new graphics whores for a nostalgia-obsessed age, drunk on the promise of limited technology instead of high-end graphical feats. I’m one of them. I laud Mega Man 9, Space Invaders Extreme, and Edge for their old school looks and sounds. Those are three very well made games underneath their attractive façades though. I expect great things out of Bit.Trip Beat's creators, Gaijin. They’re clearly a very talented team of developers. Before they make Bit.Trip Volume 2, I hope they learn from their first game’s mistakes, no matter how well their first game was received.

Related links:

BIT.TRIP BEAT is Hella Sweet
Chiptune Friday: Trip to the Beat
Design Resurrection: How Capcom Finally Proved That It’s Game and Not Graphics That Matters
The Commander's Out Of The Bag, And I Couldn't Be More Excited

Games You Can Never Go Back To: Animal Crossing

Bob Mackey — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 16:00:00 GMT

As a member of the nerd illuminati (also known as the gaming press), it's my job to get people hooked on video games, if only to make myself look less nerdy in comparison. Friends, family members, loved ones; all have been infected by a love of gaming--with me being the main carrier of this virus. So, when my girlfriend expressed a desire to get back into gaming with the purchase of a DS, I was as helpful and overbearing as anyone in my position could be.

And when it came to getting a game to go with this system, there was only one answer: Animal Crossing. While I prefer the GameCube version out of all the others (you can't beat free NES games), someone who's never played Animal Crossing has absolutely no idea what they're getting into; I was the same way back in the Fall of 2002, when this cutesy little underhyped Nintendo game charmed and surprised the pants off of me. But, as I watch my girlfriend become delighted by the antics involved with being enslaved by a shop-owning raccoon, I'm brought back to that old saying: you can't go home again.

This doesn't mean I never tried to re-capture some of that old Animal Crossing magic, though. I picked up the DS port of the game when it came out, legitimately thinking that I'd be able to lose myself in it like I did back in 2002. Unfortunately, this wasn't the case; while the online features were nice, I was bored by the fact that there were no fundamental changes to the game itself--and with the unlockable NES games eliminated, I had no real incentive to keep playing. The real shame in this is that Animal Crossing is an experience that could have--and should have--grown with its audience, but Nintendo is content with having their audience play what's essentially a port of an 8 year-old N64 title. The premise of Animal Crossing holds almost limitless potential, but Nintendo's "if you've never played it, it's new to you" sequel policy is really holding the series back.

Each version of Animal Crossing is a fantastic game, but Nintendo's life-sim experience is something you can only have fun with once. I'm actually a little jealous of my girlfriend, because she's experiencing the game as if it were new; and this makes me think how obsessed I was with Animal Crossing back in those early years of this decade. I may never be able to go home again, but I can at least dispense tips on the subject of playing the stalk market. Hey--a little insider trading never hurt anyone.

Related Links:

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Old Man Brings Misery to Animal Crossing
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Why I'm Excited For What WiiWare Could Soon Become

Derrick Sanskrit — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 14:00:00 GMT

Even though it was a firmware update that pretty much everybody called well over a year ago, it was still pretty exciting to see that SD Card channel go live on the Wii yesterday. Almost everyone who has downloaded more than one game from the Wii Shop Channel has felt the aggravation of having to "clean out the fridge" at some point, and with the twenty minutes of rearranging necessary for me to download the long-awaited Bit.Trip Beat last week, I was pretty much pissed at my favorite little white box. Getting home from work yesterday to see its inviting blue glow, I just wanted to hug the Wii and tell it that everything was going to be alright now.

First, I could happily move my Virtual Console and WiiWare games to the SD card without worrying about forgetting them forever. Then I could reinstall the Nintendo Channel and the Wii Fit channel I had to delete to make room for World of Goo. Ooh, and then I could finally install that Mario Kart Wii channel I'd been putting off. And then I can finish that game of Paper Mario I had to remove from the Wii when I downloaded Tetris Party!

Having access to these games without taking up precious system memory was not only liberating but a revelation. I'd been putting off or flat-out ignoring all but the most-desired WiiWare and Virtual Console games specifically to avoid having to delete old games, but now everything's changed! It's time to revisit the Wii Shop. Time to finally play LostWinds, Space Invaders Get Even and (yes, I'm terrible) Mega Man 9! I can actually look forward to upcoming WiiWare without having to worry, which is great because there are tons of great games coming out soon like Cave Story, Eduardo the Samurai Toaster, Cube Gardens of Zen, Super Meat Boy and Night Game. Oh, and Hudson's upcoming "first person soaker" Water Warfare. That may just be the first deathmatch shooter game I genuinely want to play.

Then, of course, I start dreaming about the potential...

Couldn't we get DEMOS now? I've downloaded plenty of demos on PSN. Some convinced me to buy the full game, some did not. Apple's app store has tons of Lite versions of games that serve as free demos (in fact I just downloaded one for Sway) and those have only proven to raise interest and ultimately sales of the finished products. Demos work in this day and age of downloadable distribution. I was perfectly willing to accept before that demos were impractical on the Wii because of memory limitations, but with hard drive space opened like this it should be no problem. The most Nintendo would need to do is add a page to the Wii Shop channel for demos specifically. I imagine the extra work for the developers to make a demo to stand beside the finished game would be negligible in most instances as long as Nintendo doesn't restrict file sizes any more than they would for the finished product. Think about it: not sure about Bit.Trip Beat? Try the first level. Think High Voltage Hot Rod Show might be for you? Here's one course to race around for free. Of course, these would not be mandatory and entirely up to the developer, but it seems like a fantastic idea to me, and one that would make users significantly more likely to try and maybe even buy otherwise unheard of games.

WiiWare should be the feather in the Wii's already fancy cap. As stated before, retail Wii games can not be updated once they're released, unlike PS3 and Xbox 360 games, but WiiWare can (I distinctly remember there being a Dr. Mario Online RX update at one point). The SD card solution released this week has made me exponentially more excited by the prospect of WiiWare and I already have plans to fork over more of my hard-earned money to the Wii Shop as a result. Take this momentum, Nintendo, and run with it. Make WiiWare great.

Related articles:
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Trailer Review: The Legend of Zelda: Spirit Tracks

Nadia Oxford — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 23:29:00 GMT

If the concept behind The Legend of Zelda: Spirit Tracks tells us anything, it's that humans and Hylians likely share a similar transportation history, from beast domestication to the age of iron and steam. Apparently, both our races got tired of getting our heads stomped in by irate horses, and decided that challenging billions of tonnes of angry water while riding a thin wooden shell is for the birds. Bending iron to our will is the only way to ride.

In The Legend of Zelda: Spirit Tracks, Link has stepped away from the filth of the stable (have you seen what goes into breeding horses?) and barrels across Hyrule as the conductor of a train. Dignity, Yes!

The trailer for Spirit Tracks stirs up conflicting emotions. I love the idea of trains in the Zelda series. Trains are my preferred method of transportation, and it's exciting to watch the trailer and speculate what might be. Will Link get to determine where tracks are laid down? Will he be able to somehow design stations? Will he pick up passengers? Why didn't Old West trains install pirate ship-style canons to protect against bandits?

Then there's the gameplay, which registers as a little less spectacular, at least in my picky heart.

From what we can garner by the video and Nintendo's press release—and I'm happy to remind the world that none of this is cemented fact—the dungeon exploration and game mechanics are pretty similar to what was already utilised in The Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass. Not a terrible thing by any means, but if the Internet loves mouthing off about something, it's how badly the Zelda series needs a shot of innovation.

For good reason, too. I love my traditional Zelda games. Heck, I love horses, those filthy beasts. But I also love being pleasantly surprised by new and delightful ideas from my favourite game franchises. Spirit Tracks appears to be letting Link take one step forward with the train concept, and one step back by recycling old dungeon mechanics.

Link is so adorable in his conductor's outfit, though. I may be willing to forgive all.

Related Links:

Trailer Review: Terrifying New Mirror's Edge Content
Trailer Review: Final Fantasy XIII Looks Disturbingly Interesting
Trailer Review: House of the Dead Overkill

Reminder: Nintendo of Japan Still Gets All the Nicest Things

Derrick Sanskrit — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 22:00:00 GMT

Nintendo president Satoru Iwata's keynote today was actually pretty nice. We got the long-awaited Wii storage solution, confirmation and reveals of a bunch of downloadable titles, the reveal of a new DS Zelda game, and some insight into just how creepy Shigeru Miyamoto really is to work with. As ecstatic as I am to see Nintendo committed to promoting Rhythm Heaven in America (my early pick for "game of the year"), it's still hard not to envy Japanese Nintendo fans. Of course they get many of the best games we never do (Captain Rainbow) or get very late (Professor Layton...still waiting on either of the sequels), and there are a few times when the tables are turned (Japan will likely never get MadWorld), but Nintendo of Japan just gets to do things that Nintendo of America would never dream of. Japanese Wiis can control television browsing and order business cards with your Mii on them. Nintendo of Japan even sponsors an annual student game developing seminar, 10 months of programming, sound and graphic design training for forty lucky applicants, with the best of the final student games distributed at Nintendo download centers. Not only do we in the west not get a program like this, we don't even get to enjoy the fruits of their awesome labors.

Just take a look at Fufu Kirarin, one of the games made available from the class of 2008:

Feel free to skip the first 1:50 of downloading the software.

Blow into the DS's microphone to launch the happy stars up into the top screen in the ADORABLE shooter. Look at this! This could be a finished product! Sure, it's only 24 minutes from beginning to end, but considering it's student work it's pretty amazing. Add a few more levels, stick it in a box and charge me twenty bucks, please!

Today's the last day users with access to Japanese download centers can access Fufu Kirarin, but upcoming student games include a hilarious sounding voice-acting sim with "unexpected videos", an action game where you control things by moving your body (I assume "you" is the character in the game and not the player), and a game where you goof around with a character with no body, creating goofy faces and photographing them. Plenty of mind-boggling screens available at Nintendo's game seminar website. I would probably be very happy to take ten months out of my life to learn things like this.

Thanks to Andria Sang for the translations!

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GDC News: Wii Storage Solution Confirmed

Bob Mackey — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 17:10:00 GMT

If you're a fan of the Wii's Virtual Console and WiiWare digital download services, you've undoubtedly encountered one of the console's biggest setbacks: its meager amount of storage space. The company's had many glib answers for angry fans demanding a solution to the Wii's lack of a hard drive, but we've only heard rumors and Nintendo's whole "just move your games to an SD card" line since the grumbling began. And who can forget the infamous and disingenuous fridge analogy that was spouted by a Nintendo PR rep in the Fall of '07 and repeated millions of times throughout the Internet to this day? Yes, we clean out our fridge when food goes bad, but downloaded ROMs are in no danger of rotting--okay, maybe the Alex Kidd games.

However, with Nintendo President Satoru Iwata's 2009 GDC keynote speech comes exciting news that addresses the concerns of hardcore Nintendo nerds. Thanks to the liveblogging efforts of Joystiq, we now have confirmation of a new SD Card Channel for the Wii, which will let owners of Nintendo's popular console run games straight from their SD cards. This is a huge and admittedly obvious correction to Nintendo''s storage solution of the past, which allowed a Wii owner to copy but not play games from an SD card. If you've ever had to delete channels to make room for new ones, you know what an annoying and time-consuming process (for the indecisive, anyway) it can be. While it's true that this simple solution should have happened a long time ago, it's nice to see Nintendo finally address an issue that only a minority of its fans are experiencing.

Apparently, this channel is now available with the newest system update, so turn on your Wii and give it a try.

Related Links:

Nintendo Might Just Hate You
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The Earthbound Legal Conundrum In-Depth

Respect the Pokeymans

Nadia Oxford — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 03:05:00 GMT

Confession: Pokemon frightens me. It's nothing to do with the dead eyes of Jinx or Psyduck, either (okay, maybe a little). The truth is, Pokemon is intimidating. It's a sprawling franchise that sucks you in waist-deep after two steps.

A skeptic who spares naught but a quick glance at Pokemon sees a bunch of cash-in kids' games that merely scotch tapes a few new Muppets to its roster with each new installment. So untrue. Oh, so untrue.

I was a self-proclaimed Pokemon Master through 1998-1999. No ten-year-old had a chance against my Nidoking, “AAAAAA” (“I choose you! AAAAAA!”). No job supervisor could tear me away from my heated matches for dominance—because I knew all the best places to hide.

I ran out of slacker friends to play Pokemon with, and I took a long sabbatical. A friend of mine bought me a copy of Pokemon Pearl, and I decided it was time to whup preschoolers again.

I quickly came to realise that the audience for Pokemon has grown up—and not all its fanbase dropped away as the franchise aged. Nintendo is well aware that there is a well-seasoned adult fanbase that is far beyond coddling Pikachu and drinking punch with Charmander in the shade of a big tree. They want numbers. They want stats. They want evolution and the abortion of said evolution. They want berries and balance and Ghost-types versus Normal-types and legendary dragon Pokemon that look unsettlingly like giant centipedes.

I thought I was all set in the world of Pokemon Pearl merely because I raised a Gyrados from a Magikarp. Soon, I was dragging “Super Joe” back to a PokeCenter on the end of a frayed rope leash. He smelled like a fish washed up on a beachside highway.

I mean, I imagine that's what he smelled like.

The haters are off their rockers: Pokemon isn't a kiddy sell-out franchise. It's a deep piece of work that requires equal parts skill, luck and memorisation. Granted, Pokemon doesn't punish you if you decide to strong-arm your way up to and through the Elite Four, but when I opt out of the fashion shows, I can feel my Bidoof burning a hole in the back of my head with his glare.

His pretty, long-lashed glare.

Related Links:

Gaming: A Throwaway Hobby
To Be a Pokemon Master
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Shigeru Miyamoto and Blasphemy, A Match Made in Heaven

John Constantine — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 01:30:00 GMT

Every time I think of the happy American families playing Wii Play and Wii Sports, I smile a little inside. I love it that everyone’s playing videogames. It means there will be more of them. I have to laugh a little too, particularly when USA Today or some other milquetoast news outlet does a write up on Nintendo’s family friendliness. Nintendogs! Well we can all enjoy that right? Sure we can.

In another world, Nintendo wouldn’t have stayed in business in the United States past 1984. Donkey Kong, Donkey Kong Jr., and Mario Bros. would be their only legacy in the land of the free. One day that year, I imagine the following dialogue took place between Mr. Miyamoto and Nameless Nintendo of America Head:

NNOAH: “"Hey Shigeru, I hear ya gots the latest follow up to Donkey Kong ready! Whatcha got to make us rich, kid?"

Shigeru Miyamoto: “It’s a maze game! We’re going to make some of that proverbial Pac-man cash!”

NNOAH: “Genius! Tell me more.”

SM: “I call it Devil World! You play as a little dinosaur in hell. You push a crucifix around hell to collect dots. Satan sits at the top of the screen, clapping his hands.”

NNOAH: “…”

SM: “I already have an arcade in Oklahoma interested in buying cabinets and…”

NNOAH: “Shut up.”

SM: “But…”

NNOAH: “Shut up. Before you destroy us all!”

Can you imagine the ruckus Devil World would have caused? Satanic imagery in videogames! The blasphemy! The horror. God fearing Americans across the land would have called for Miyamoto’s blood. Donkey Kong machines would have been burned. Mario would never have become the icon he is, his good, mustachioed name sullied by sinful association.

I had completely forgotten Devil World existed until last week, hence the post. The game’s innocuous; its derivative play is a great example of Miyamoto’s growing pains as a designer. I’d never really thought about how strange it is, though. I can’t confirm this, but I’d bet good money that this game had something to do with Nintendo of America’s censorship policies in the 80s. They did refuse to have crosses in games, after all.

Related links:

Great Moments in Design: Kuribo's Shoe Rising
Wii Music: A Rare Miss For Miyamoto?
Shigeru Miyamoto, the Heartbreak...Man
Videogame, Non-Game, Old Game, New Game: The Miyamoto Rule

Warning: Wii Punch-Out!! Might Just Kill You

John Constantine — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 23:00:00 GMT

Last week, I came down with a flu like sickness. It was bad. I was sent home from the office twice because, apparently, I sounded like I was coughing whole parts of my insides out of my body. Today I am a well man and it’s all thanks to the power of rest and Mythbusters. Let it be known that, provided you are horribly sick, own an Xbox 360, and are a Netflix subscriber, you too can watch Mythbusters until you are fit, or fitter, than a well-made fiddle. Dr. John Constantine prescribes it! During one particularly awesome episode, Adam Savage was isolating ingredients from Diet Coke to determine which of them causes Diet Coke-Mentos-Explosions. While testing caffeine, Savage mixed a solution while commenting, “This is a lot of caffeine. Enough to kill you.” This blew my bed-ridden mind. Caffeine can kill you? Of course it can, all stimulants can! I’d just never considered it. This revelation, in turn, reminded me how dangerous Nintendo can be.

Case in point: the new Wii Punch-Out!!. Like caffeine and stimulants of all stripes, fan service can kill a person depending on its purity and provided they have enough of it. Watch this trailer for an example of what a just-under-lethal dose looks like.

Seriously, that is potent. It’s more than just the returning characters, we already knew they’d be back. Doc Louis on the bike? The pink track suit? That’s the sort of fan service that will cause hearts to explode. They need to be careful with that.

Next Level Games have, it seems, foregone the crazy power-ups that made their Super Mario Strikers games so unpredictable. That’s okay. Punch-Out!!’s special moves, activated by stars earned in the fights, have always been elegant in their simplicity. The play looks as expected, a nice re-skinning of NES Punch-Out!!. I have to say though, while the game’s gorgeous and the new renditions of old fighters are clean and stylish, the new fighter, Disco Kid, is awfully plain. What gives, Next Level? I know your art team can do better than that.

Editor’s Note: I’m not really a doctor. I am sorry if I misled you. Do not try to cure yourself with Mythbusters.

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Punch-Out Wii to Make Early 2009 a Little Less Depressing
The Erotic Adventure of Little Mac
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WTFriday: A Serial Killer's Ideas for Wii Games

Nadia Oxford — Sat, 21 Mar 2009 03:42:00 GMT

The Internet is good because it lets talented cartoonists like Chris Onstad of Achewood put together comics about serial killers penning their own ideas for Wii games. Gamer humour isn't absent from the syndicated newspaper slurry we're fed every morning, but you can't really expect the jokes to go beyond, “Ha ha, my wacky husband plays video games more than my kids (Also, Mary Worth keeps meddling in my life)!”

Achewood's Nice Pete is the most eccentric member of a bizarre cast: he's a mass murderer—it's implied he might in fact be a child murderer—but Onstad never asks the reader to pass judgment on him. Pete's proposal for “Cereal Pro 5000,” complete with its own Protip, is one of several quick glimpses we're given into a past composed of a broken family, rusted screen doors and hungry, limping dogs. The drunken father that Pete obviously had to work around on “bad” days is the same father he aims to make proud by designing Wii games. Wii games that he evidently believes everyone can relate to.

It's impossible to feel just one emotion at the end of an Achewood cartoon.

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WTFriday: Mario Versus Airman
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Ninja Gaiden Sigma 2 and the Second Chance

John Constantine — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 17:00:00 GMT

There’s just something about a re-release. Not a remake mind you, I mean a game being released a second time, possibly ported to another system, with a few ancillary new features thrown in to entice previous owners to cough up more cash. Sometimes they just get me angry. Resident Evil 4 and Metroid Prime on Wii with new controls? Why?! You can buy perfectly good versions of those games for half the price and play ‘em the way they were supposed to be played! Grumble mumble whyioughta. That’s just the idiot inside, the natural born fanboy hungry to defend an allegiance, doesn’t matter to what or who. He’s easy to ignore, but hard to suppress. Most of the time, I love a good re-release. Resident Evil 4 and Metroid Prime on Wii with new controls? Excellent! Those are great games that more people should play, glad they’re getting a new lease on life.

It is too much to ask that a game be better than it was the first time around. If a game is good enough to warrant a second try, the best you can hope for is that whatever was excellent in the original release is preserved, that anything added is un-intrusive icing on an already delicious cake. There are rare exceptions to this rule though. Devil May Cry 3’s Special Edition re-release on PS2 was unceremonious but significant. The original game, known for its sadistic difficulty, had been rebalanced in its entirety and you could now play the entire game as its villain. Persona 3: Fes, in its North American incarnation, added twenty hours to the original, made a supporting character into the lead at the climax, and rewrote the game’s ending. These don’t happen often, but they do happen.

Team Ninja’s Ninja Gaiden is a curious example, since it is both proof of and the exception to the rule. When it was re-released the first time as Ninja Gaiden: Black, it was improved upon greatly, featuring many of the same tweaks and additions that made Devil May Cry 3: Special Edition so, well, special. It’s second re-release, however, was less rosy. Ninja Gaiden Sigma on PS3 modernized the visuals and added a new playable character but it also demonstrated just how much the underlying game of Ninja Gaiden had aged. It preserved, certainly, but added nothing.

Ninja Gaiden Sigma 2, Tecmo’s impending re-release of the Microsoft-published Ninja Gaiden 2, is branded as a remake. We all know better though, don’t we? My sincere hope is that Ninja Gaiden Sigma 2 is one of the rare improvements because, unlike its predecessor, Ninja Gaiden 2 wasn’t a very good game. Its camera couldn’t follow the action, the combat lacked Gaiden’s precision, and the environments were cramped and ugly. It felt, as I said in my review, unfinished. The Itagaki-less Team Ninja has a second shot at living up to the first game’s legacy. Good luck to them.

Related links:

Fix It: Alone in the Dark, Tiger Woods, and the Death of the Glitch
The 61FPS Review: Ninja Gaiden 2
My Top 10 of 2008 in No Particular Order: Persona 3: FES
Rock Star Designer Fallout: Team Ninja’s Post-Itagaki Future

Chiptune Friday: Spring Is In the Air With Okami

John Constantine — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 14:00:00 GMT

Two truths. Today is March 13th. It will not be spring for another eight days. Also, the original soundtrack to Okami is not chiptune. At all. In fact, it is fully orchestrated and entrenched in traditional Japanese composition, a far cry from the heavy metal and pop roots of the blissed-out blip songs composed on the NES or similar consoles.

Have you gone outside though? It is freaking gorgeous out there. It may rain, it may be cloudy, but the bitter miasma of late winter has lifted, washed away as if by… a celestial brush! Given, it’s likely that the fine weather is a result of the Earth’s natural solar orbit and axial spin, but I like to think that there’s a sun goddess wolf out there making it nice outside. I’m going to find her. We’ll go to the park and play fetch. Beautiful women will be all, “Oh your dog is beautiful!” And I’ll be all, “Check dis.” Then Amaterasu will make a bushel of fragrant botanicals grow at our feet.

Here are three selections from the Okami soundtrack. Listen, be in bloom, and grab your DS or PSP. Go play outside today!

The Great Goddess Amaterasu’s Revival

We’ll Always Be Together!

Two People Gazing At Each Other

Related links:

Chiptune Friday: Ethernet’s “Theme For the Water Shrine” Makes Me Want to Adventure and Possibly Defeat an Ancient Evil
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Gradius ReBirth and The Joy of Sisyphean Gaming

John Constantine — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 15:00:00 GMT

Every few years, I get the itch. I’ll be reading a book or sitting in café, enjoying the air and taking in some company, when my conscious mind will simply shut off. My eyes glaze over, I drool a bit, and whoever I happen to be with at the time starts to worry. They wonder if they’ll regret not bringing a tranq gun by the end of the day. It’d probably be wise for me to start wearing a medical bracelet. It should read: “John Constantine. Irregular shmup addiction. Administer either space/terrestrial, horizontal/vertical shooter immediately. Contact Dr. Vic Viper at Up, Down, Left, Right, B, A, Select, Start.” At the very least, it would ensure that no one gets hurt.

While Derrick’s been having a renaissance with the genre and Joe’s all but abandoned it, my predilection for shoot ‘em ups has been constant over the past two decades. As I said, it isn’t regular. It just comes out of nowhere. It starts with having to track one down, preferably horizontal, with a killer soundtrack, and bright color. Then I go for weeks without playing anything except for stray, half hour sessions with them, games like Einhander, Life Force, or R-Type Final. Thing of it is, I’ve never gotten good at any of them. I wouldn’t say that I’m terrible. I can usually get through the first level of a shooter without dying or, in extreme cases, continuing on the first try. But I’ve never beaten one without cheating and I’m usually struggling to keep up just a few levels in. I love the ebb and flow of a great shmup, the movement from speed and escape to the sluggish crawl that almost always precedes some giant conflict against a screen filling boss. When I die, I smile, and start over. Bullet hell or Konami standard, I take immense satisfaction in pushing the rock uphill and letting it tumble back over me.

Which, when you get down to it, flies in the face of what we expect to be a satisfying experience, right? When we judge games, the most damning thing you can say about it is that it’s frustrating, the highest praise that it challenges us in a way that makes us want to persevere, to master it. If you aren’t good at it and you don’t get better, what’s the point?

Maybe it’s an issue of play vocabulary. If something is closed and linear, defined by a beginning, middle, and end, the way we play is defined by adhering to that linearity. That’s the game language we understand. For games like a shooter though, the pleasure comes from locomotion and reflex, moving a digital phantom limb about the screen and having it respond to your intent. Winning, beating it, getting to the end doesn’t need to be the point. This might be why we feel fighters and shmups feel like evolutionary dead ends design wise; they aren’t being designed to be fun even if you fail.

I’ve got the itch right now, and I know I’m going to have to clean out the Wii fridge one day very soon. Gradius ReBirth is a scratch worth scraping at. I won’t get past the third level, I know. But I’ll push against the stone, pick up a few options, and have a hell of a good time.

Related links:

Roundtable Discussion: Genre Design Evolution
Get Option. You Cannot Reach Option.
The Ten Greatest Opening Levels in Gaming History

Trailer Review: Muramasa – The Demon Blade

John Constantine — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 14:00:00 GMT

What can I say that hasn’t been said about Vanillaware’s two-dimensional skills. Undoubtedly, they can pay the bills. They are gorgeous. They are vivid. They are blinding in the extent of their flowing beauty, a realization of hand drawn gaming’s promise, a vision of the most fantastic landscapes while still evocative of the world’s natural beauty. Adjectives, adjectives, adjectives. Muramasa: The Demon Blade is good looking, god damn it. See what I mean?

This trailer is more than, as they say, a pretty face. Most promising is that Muramasa’s play looks fast, free of the slowdown that crippled much of Odin Sphere. The combat itself looks to be an evolution of that game’s combo-based slicing and dicing as well. Odin Sphere, like Princess Crown before it, was a little too awkward to be perfect, and it's heartening to see Muramasa is improving on the formula. Here’s hoping that Vanillaware has also grown a better sense of pacing. Their previous games have been uneven, to say the least.

Previous Trailer Reviews:

InFamous
Watchmen: The End is Nigh
Henry Hatsworth in the Puzzling Adventure
Dante’s Inferno is Looking Even More… Something
Machinarium
Mightier
Demon’s Souls
Final Fantasy XIII Looks Disturbingly Interesting
Priston Tale II: The 2nd Enigma
King of the Fighters XII
Edge
Dante's Inferno
Star Wars: The Old Republic
Resident Evil 5

The Angry Video Game Nerd's House of Nintendo Horrors

Nadia Oxford — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 03:37:00 GMT

There's been a noticeable lull in publicised Angry Video Game Nerd rants. Apparently, Rolfe is waiting for his contract renewal with ScrewAttack, and he's forbidden to yell until the people who sign his paycheques say it's okay. Man, I've been there.

To tide over the masses, the Nerd has published a short YouTube video showing off his NES game collection. How many Nintendo games do you think he owns? Times 'a lot' by a skillion and you'll get an idea.

Actually, I got more out of this video than I thought I would. The Nerd shows us his legitimate games, but in spite of Nintendo's best efforts, the NES had a lot of titles that weren't anywhere close to legitimate. Tengen's “illegal” version of Tetris was only the Purgatory of a twisted plastic hell. Deeper in the forbidden depths, you will see atrocities like cartridges bandaged together with sticky “Sale!” stickers, and cartridges with connectors poking out of their misbegotten heads.

Come one, come all. Two bits a gander.

Related Links:

The Angry Video Game Nerd Says a Bad Word: Deadly Towers
Periphery: The Angry Video Game Nerd Edition
Wow, Superman 64 Really Was Terrible

You’re Doing it Wrong: Excitebots Should Be Super Smash Bros. Kart

John Constantine — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 23:00:00 GMT

I don’t know about you, but I thought Excite Truck was a hell of a game. Not just as a launch game either. Its terrain deformation, ridiculous stunts, enormous jumps, and speed were good fun. It wasn’t as demanding as its grandpappy Excitebike, but that suited its loose motion controls nicely. It flopped hard though, failing to break into the top selling games the month it came out. In fairness, it deserved to flop. Who puts out a racing game at launch and doesn’t include multiplayer? Appalling. More than that though, there was no aesthetic hook to sell Excite Truck to Nintendo’s audience. Its beefy trucks and muddy trails milieu might have played back in 1987, or even ’97, but those days were long gone for Nintendo by the time the Wii released.

Now, Monster Games is back with Excitebots: Trick Racing. It looks like a lot of fun. Excite Truck but with wacky animal-robot-cars, more stunts, power-ups that involve driving into giant sandwiches, and, most importantly, multiplayer. I’m excited to play it. I’m also mystified by Nintendo’s decision to send this poor game out to pasture, just like Excite Truck. Animal-robots or not, there’s nothing here to grab up the massive Nintendo audience. There’s an easy way to make Excitebots into a multi-million seller instead of a ten-thousand seller. You make it a Smash Bros. game.

Watch this trailer. The play hooks are already there since the racing is about impacting your competitors and the environment to pull off big tricks. It’s also a fast-paced “gamer’s” game, which would make it a compliment to the slower-paced Mario Kart rather than a competing product. More than anything, though, it would be one more way to capitalize on Nintendo’s mascot stable and appeal to the broadest swath of Wii owners possible. It would ensure that people actually went out of their way to play a good game on the Wii.

Instead, Nintendo’s going to let yet another racing game from a good developer die on the vine. One day, I’m going to kick that company directly in the metaphysical balls. That, or I’m just going to buy Zelda again. Time will tell.

Related links:

Robot Chicken Torments the Excite Bike Guy
Waiting: Four More Games That Will Be Awesome To Remake In LittleBigPlanet
10 Games Nadia Played In 2008 Instead Of Working: Super Smash Bros Brawl