61 Frames Per Second : nadia oxford

One Girl's Ancient Struggle Against Bad Games

Nadia Oxford — Thu, 23 Apr 2009 03:35:00 GMT

It's pretty cool these days for girls to stand up and say, “I'm a gamer!” Bonus admiration is issued if they do it with only half their clothes on, but male gamers are usually just happy to know we walk amongst their ranks. Game companies are definitely happy about us, because we spend money on everything from puppy sims to big games with big guns.

I'll let you in on a little secret. Girls have always liked games. What's different is that developers, game publications and marketing divisions are making an effort to let us know what's going on in the industry. Young females are being encouraged to try a little bit of everything and settle down into something they love, whether it's ponies or blowing someone's brains onto the ceiling. I'm glad, because I remember how awkward it was to be a girl gamer during those crucial years when I cared about what other people thought of me.

Mackey's retrospective on Bart vs The Space Mutants for the NES is what started me thinking back to those uncomfortable days when I wasn't just a girl gamer, but a “weird” one at that. My circle of friends was primarily made up of females in spite of my tomboyish ways, and I was invited to my fair share of girl-populated birthday parties. Most of these party houses had an NES, and even though games were almost strictly thought of as boy's stuff back in the olden days, the system never went ignored. We played plenty of games.

The problem? The games were all of the sucky, licensed variety--Bart vs The Space Mutants being a prime example of a wasted video game rental at an all-girl party. Not just once, either. No, you could count on a shitty licensed game like Home Alone to make a repeat appearance at parties as a five-dollar rental. We were often completely baffled by the vague goals and awful controls these games offered, but few of my friends wanted to move beyond the comfort of a familiar name. Sometimes they'd pick at a Mario title for a little while, thank God, but I was usually doomed to watch my friends struggle with an unplayable game for hours. My suggestions for games were usually shot down; even if the hostesses' brother had amassed an impressive collection of games, there was no question about exchanging Macaulay Culkin's unwinnable wank festival for something more solid, like Mega Man or Cobra Triangle.

Few of my girl friends played Nintendo, and it's no wonder. Nobody felt compelled to research what was out there with commercials being primarily boy-oriented, and when they did play, they were let down by shoddy licensed trash. They probably decided games weren't worth their time outside of a party environment, and with good reason. I was teased for being game-crazy and for reading Nintendo Power, but obviously, I'm glad I stuck to my guns. Girls, cave in to drugs and booze if you must, but Just Say No to bad games. You can do so much better.

(Disclaimer: please don't cave in to drugs and booze.)

Related Links:

Up All Night: Ex-Mutants
Indiana Jones, We Hardly Know Ye
Trailer Review: Scribblenauts

I Appreciate You, Game Boy

Nadia Oxford — Wed, 22 Apr 2009 03:29:00 GMT

It's the Game Boy's 20th anniversary, and I feel like I ought to honour the little white brick. Problem is, I have no idea what I can say that hasn't already been said. Writing all my good feelings towards the ancient Nintendo handheld that served as a springboard for the portable consoles I love today feels awkward, like writing a letter to a friend who's bailed you out of jail. Game Boy, I want to say “thanks” to you...but the thought of doing it makes me blush and squirm. There just aren't any suitable words for how much I care about you. I'll take you out for beers.

The Game Boy vaulted me into “real” gaming; it was my first console after the Colecovision/Atari 2600 Frankenstein that introduced me to gaming, but didn't necessarily make me fall in love with the pastime. Sure, I had previously been mystified by Super Mario Bros, but I wouldn't own an NES until late in the system's life. It was games like Super Mario Land, Double Dragon and Final Fantasy Legend taught me that video games could have form and structure; they could be more than a score-counter. They could have goals, and tell stories.

When I managed to separate my mother from Tetris, of course.

They could also affirm the crummy nature of the human race. I would have many video games stolen from me as I grew up, and I imagine I'll have still more spirited away from under my nose, but my first real story of loss came during a dark time when my parents were forced to put their house up for sale. This meant a lot of showings, which meant a lot of strange kids slipping away from their parents to rummage through our cupboards with snotty noses and sticky paws. One day, after one such showing, our copies of Super Mario Land and Double Dragon went missing. Theft is a serious accusation to make without any sort of proof, but daaaaaay-um, I owe those kids a kick in the teeth.

But before Mario was whisked away to another castle, I started and finished Super Mario Land all on my own. It was the first side-scrolling adventure I completed by my lonesome; back then, it seemed so expansive. A fairly recent replay reminded me of how tiny the adventure actually is. Oh, youth.

Now that I'm loosened/boozed up, I can say it. Thanks, Game Boy, for being my first “real” game console. When I'm rich, I promise I'll acquire a million of you and build a castle by the sea.

Related Links:

Nifty Nostalgia: Super Game Boy
Chiptune Friday: Game Boy Hero
Kid Icarus on Game Boy: Did Anyone Get To Play This?

What's in my MP3 Player: LetThereBeLight, a Mega Man 4 OC Remix

Nadia Oxford — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 03:54:00 GMT

Line up to revoke any good feelings you have about me, because I think that Mega Man 4's soundtrack is better than Mega Man 2's.

”Oh my God Nadia how can you embarrass yourself like this?”

Though I thoroughly believe Mega Man 2 deserves its pedestal in the hearts of the people, I actually don't have the same nostalgic attachment to the title as other Mega Man fans. My first game was Mega Man 3, which I followed up with Mega Man 4. Mega Man 4's gameplay isn't exceptionally good, but the graphics and soundtrack are among the NES' best.

”So you say, but you still sound like you were dropped on your head as a baby and dragged away by a dog, poor wee child.”

Maybe so, but if you give the soundtrack a good listen, you can hear an attempt to go somewhere different. Dustman's stage is far beyond Mega Man's usual rock n roll du jour; it's a subdued tune, quite melancholy, that brings you back to those rainy days you spent indoors with your NES.

It also gave rise to the greatest OC Remix of all time.

LetThereBeLight by musician Stefan Ajax/AmIEvil is a rare instance of a remix I don't feel compelled to explain to any non-gaming company within listening range. The name is a bit deceptive, since one might expect a remix of Brightman's stage (also awesome, don't deny it), but what counts is how it sounds. LetThereBeLight is melancholy, like its source material, but also dark, tortuous, and mysterious. You would expect it to accompany a scene in a movie where the main cast has resolved to find their way out of a haunted forest, but will inevitably end up in the mouth of some hell-dog.

AmIEvil hasn't contributed any OC Remixes for a number of years, but he does seem to have a band that's touring around Sweden. So here's a “Hooray!” for a talented guy, though I do miss his automatically-accessible work.

Related Links:

What's In My MP3 Player: Super Metroid "In Your Prime"
What's In My MP3 Player: Castlevania II "Castle of Tears"
What's in my MP3 Player: Shadow's Theme

Shadow of the Colossus: First Blood

Nadia Oxford — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 00:16:00 GMT

This weekend, I did a bit of shopping, visited my parents, and destroyed two idols the size of skyscrapers. Yes, I have drawn my first blood (or some kind of black ichor, anyway) from Shadow of the Colossus, and it's been as much fun as a naked pagan dance.

My previous assessment of the first Colossi battle was a little off. The first Colossi battle is a tutorial battle—of sorts. It's just not a very easy one. You're expected to learn and perfect the basics of climbing, stabbing, and shimmying. Otherwise you don't stand a chance against the second Colossi, which is three times as large as the first and has twice as many hooves to flatten you with. The sink-or-swim approach of Wander's first real fight is a clever way to bypass modern gaming's overzealous hand-holding, though it took me a while to realise I would get better if I tried. I was just initially scared to keep trying.

I'm not even sure why I harboured that fear. Who was going to laugh at me for my failures? The shadowy Gods flitting near the ceiling of the Temple of Worship? Wander, who wouldn't change his facial expression if you dropped a cinder block on his foot? Agro? Wander's dead girlfriend/wife? I eventually realised I was being silly, and took up the controller again.

Happily, Shadow of the Colossus gave me plenty of initiative to keep on trying. First, there just aren't too many games that let you scale the furry bum of a living idol. The, um, “bee scratching” segment of Super Mario Galaxy doesn't count, and let us never mention it again.

Second, every time I attempted to climb the first Colossi, I got a little closer to the pulsating rune on its head—and when I inevitably fell off, it became easier to climb back up. And I experienced a movement in my body that (to quote Mr Burns) took me back: my heart was thumping and banging like Animal from the Muppet Show.

I generally choose titles that help me relax, so it's not too often that games make my ticker jump up and go. Not that I object to it happening, but I don't think a video game has given me that kind of rush since I conquered the first challenges that honed my skills: beating up Bowser in Super Mario Bros 3, defeating the Mana Beast in Secret of Mana, bringing down Sigma in Mega Man X, wrecking Luca Blight in Suikoden II. I love my video games in the here and now, but it's extra special when you find that rare one that makes you feel like you're taking your first steps all over again.

Two Colossi down, fourteen to go. Slowly up the ladder.

Related Links:

Time for Me to Play Shadow of the Colossus
Shadow of the Colossus: First Impressions
Super Secret Castle Discovered in Shadow of the Colossus

Gaming for Two: Animal Crossing's Turf Wars

Nadia Oxford — Sat, 18 Apr 2009 03:54:00 GMT

I've been playing a lot of Animal Crossing: City Folk lately. Now, this doesn't mean I'm not angry with Nintendo for essentially dumping Wild World on the Wii with the halfhearted effort of a child making sand-pail towers at the beach. I, uh, just wanted to do the honest thing and pay off my mortgage.

But good intentions pave the road to Hell, and my return to the 'hood wasn't peaceful for long. I'm embroiled in a turf war with my husband, who controls the north side of Onett. I pimp my fruit trees in the south side, near the shore. Tilling foreign fruits will literally grow an orchard of money trees.

My husband doesn't see it that way, and he's already warned me that those damn trees had better not start creeping northward. He pretends he doesn't want my precious money trees, but I know otherwise. Now I'm vigilant whenever I hear him play the game.

“Are any of my trees in bloom?” I call from the other room.

He says, “Yeah, some oranges.”

“Don't you touch them.”

“I'm not going to touch your goddamn fruit.”

“You'd better not. I have connections. Nook hires out more than contracting.”

I expect my connections with Nook will dissolve soon. Probably violently. I took out ad space on the town's bulletin board to announce that he'll lick peanut butter off any body part it's applied to.

(”Anywhere.”)

Thank God the game gives one money-spewing rock per day to each player. Otherwise, shovels would be digging into jugulars.

Maybe we'll overcome our animalistic yearning for territory and live in an uneasy truce. More likely, I'll get tired of the game again and let my husband strut across Onett as its unchallenged Drug Baron.

Related Links:

Gaming for Two: Super Smash Bros Melee
Animal Crossing City Folk: Nintendo at their Worst
The Baa-ad Neighbours of Animal Crossing

WTFriday: Death Race Mario Kart

Nadia Oxford — Sat, 18 Apr 2009 02:58:00 GMT

We all count on Mackey's WTFridays to ease us into the weekend like, um...sorry, I can't think of any metaphors that are worthy of readers long done with elementary school. I will say that the only thing better than one WTFriday is two WTFridays.

I've never seen Death Race 2000, though it strikes me as the ultimate testosterone high: fast cars, women, violent death traps, do-or-die competition. I also know it scared the Jesus out of Roger Ebert back in 1975, and he was convinced the children(!!) sitting in the theatre watching the movie with him were going to overturn America with fire. Turned out we didn't; that would have cut into valuable Nintendo time.

Now, nearly 35 years later, the once-shocking Death Race 2000 is considered about as violent as a rainbow compared to what's in theatres today. Should we study this film as a noteable plateau in a medium that's ever-escalating to irrevocable levels of bloodshed and violence? Or should we add Mario Kart sound effects to the footage and laugh?

Duh. Mario Kart is always the answer.

Related Links:

WTFriday: Don't S*** Your Pants Teaches Valuable Life Lessons
WTFriday: Sega's Turd Polish
WTFriday: The Mario Paint Music Showcase

Come Back and Save the President, Zany Video Game Quotes

Nadia Oxford — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 03:55:00 GMT

The Internet isn't short on game-related humour. At every turn on the information highway (do the kids still call it that?), you'll find a comic artist who's only too willing to remind you that Princess Peach is frigid, and Mario is a sexually repressed mess because of it.

While that joke assuredly never gets old, I miss an old haunt that delivered game humour in its rawest form: Zany Video Game Quotes. Most game dialect still has a long climb before it's considered anything close to “respectable,” but today's games rarely deliver something completely baffling on the journey from Japan to your suburban American living room. The 8- and- 16-bit eras were something else entirely.

Zany Video Game Quotes is a storehouse of one-liners and truth: you can tell your kids all about A Winner Is You, or Dodongo Dislikes Smoke, but without proof they'll be like, “Nintendo games never said that! I hate you, Mom!”

Zany Video Game Quotes is also at the core of the All Your Base craze that your Uncle Steve still thinks is hilarious. A reader contributed an animated .gif of the famous intro, it fell into the wrong hands, and black magic happened. What's funny is that ZVGQ's Zero Wing page, which once crackled with enthusiasm for their original find, now carries itself with the pride of a whipped dog.

I don't want to say the site is officially dead, but without a whisper of an update for nearly three years, it's probably safe to assume that ZVGQ is not at the top of anyone's priorities anymore. This is not a true ending!

Related Links:

Katamari in the Classroom, Part 1
War Stories

Freaktastic Fanart: Mother 3 Models

Nadia Oxford — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 01:12:00 GMT

The fan made Mother 3 handbook is much gabbed-about for a reason. It is, without a doubt, the best way you'll spend $20. Outside of buying a fluffy new kitten. A grey one. With white socks.

The guide, put together by good-hearted people at Fangamer.net, Starmen.net, and possibly God, draws major inspiration from the Earthbound player's guide that came packed in with the ill-fated RPG when Nintendo localized it for American audiences. It's funny, it's thorough, it's well-written, and its pages are dotted with custom clay character models. The handbook is recorded proof that fans can come together to produce something beyond pornographic fanfiction or seventy-page arguments about who could reach the sun faster, Goku or Superman?

The clay figurines photographed in the handbook are by Arizona artist Camille Young. Young shows off some of her most impressive pieces in a blog post, including the Mecha-Drago, the Ultimate Chimera, the N.K. Cyborg, and, of course, Porky the sadist man-child.

Especially impressive is Young's design for the Needles that render the dragon of Nowhere Islands benign. Mother 3 has very little in the way of official character sketches and art, so Young had to work with a vague bit of sprite work. She improvised, and the end result is nice:

Related Links:

Freaktastic Fanart: Join The Nintendo Fun Club, Little Mac!
Freaktastic Fanart: Mega Man Zero Fanservice
Freaktastic Fanart: The Momachu

Columbine Revisited: It Was Never About the Games

Nadia Oxford — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 04:23:00 GMT

Ten years after the Columbine shootings, violent video games have been cleared of blame for the massacre. All things considered, it's hardly an event worth breaking out the champagne for.

At the same time, even though I don't feel smug or vindicated in the least, I'm baffled that anyone would believe that two kids driven to such astronomical levels of violence would be inspired by the silly spurts and canned screams of video games. An article by USA Today revealed the twisted motivations of Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold, finally cobbled together through years of studying diary entries, emails, and witness testimonies. Harris and Klebold had initially planned to blow up Columbine High School—and the man they were imitating in reverence was Tim McVeigh, not Bomberman.

Society has long been wary of video games and the dashing ladies and gentlemen who play them, but the Columbine incident truly demonised the pastime thanks to seemingly fabricated reports that Harris and Klebold loved Doom. I remember reading that and thinking, all the way back in 1999, “Who plays Doom anymore?” Doom is fun and fully deserves its accolades, but it still makes me dizzy to even think that an ancient computer game could be blamed for such a tragic act of violence. Not because I'm worried about what strangers think about my favourite hobby, but because I am a sensible, sane person like 99.7% of gamers out there.

People who become depressed or angry enough to kill fellow human beings are thinking in a twisted, hellish realm that's thankfully closed off to most of us. Though outside factors—any outside factor—can trigger a final, deadly explosion, the problem lies with the damaged machinery itself. However, it's hard to accept that a person, especially a boy like Harris who put forth the polite facade of a good student, might be inherently borked in the head. For a decade the world was content to believe that Harris and Klebold were twisted by violent media, but in truth, they were both missing some frighteningly important cogs:

"These are not ordinary kids who were bullied into retaliation," psychologist Peter Langman writes in his new book, Why Kids Kill: Inside the Minds of School Shooters. "These are not ordinary kids who played too many video games. These are not ordinary kids who just wanted to be famous. These are simply not ordinary kids. These are kids with serious psychological problems."

I don't have all the answers to life's problems. I can't even do long division. I don't know if the massacre could have been prevented; USA Today's report makes some truly frightening revelations about two boys who were in the grips of something dark that grew more severe over time. Reading their thoughts makes the idea of their violent streak being inspired by Doom almost laughable. The psychological impact from a 90s-era violent video game would have pinged off them like a fly off the grill of a speeding truck.

It's my hope that authorities, medical professionals and the general population have, at the very least, been inspired to dig for the roots of malevolence instead of scratching at the topsoil and accepting the easiest answers.

Related Links:

Miyamoto is Concerned About the Excessive Violence in Video Games
Penn and Teller to Cover Gaming Violence
Facepalm: Video Game Violence

FMV Heaven: Panzer Dragoon's Opening Theatrics

Nadia Oxford — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 01:04:00 GMT

As far as I'm concerned, nobody has the right to laugh at you if you picked the Sega Saturn as your horse in the 32-bit console race. The Saturn was home to Panzer Dragoon, a series that wholly deserves to be thriving today. Unfortunately, even the memory of Sega's dragon-shooter is filmy; though game nostalgia is big business, Panzer Dragoon games have not haunted us beyond a weak attempt here and there, and we're sadder for it.

3D games in the 32/64-bit era tended to be afflicted with the Uglies. It was an awkward, transitional phase for gaming that was worsened by developers who fought against console limitations instead of working with them.

Panzer Dragoon worked with the Saturn's limitations. The shooter's visuals might not be as impressive as they once were, but there's no mistaking the care taken with the art direction, especially in the opening cutscene (thanks in part to creative contributions made by French artist Moebius, whose Arzach comic series served as the main inspiration for Panzer Dragoon's arid, rocky world).

The game's opening cinema doesn't burden the player with much in the way of text beyond a brief summary of events. Despite the brevity and the relative blandness of the character models (intentionally dull colours, low polygon count and textures, jerky movements), the hostility and danger of the environment is conveyed perfectly. Early in the cinema, a friend of the hero's is picked off by a scuttling crustacean with a large stinger. The hero chases the sand-crab into some ruins, where it's quickly preyed upon by a much bigger, even deadlier shelled beast. But within seconds, that monster is slain in the crossfire of a dragon fight, which is merely one far-reaching tentacle of a world-consuming war.

“No,” Panzer Dragoon says to the player, “the world you're about to explore is not pro-human.”

I've always loved the dragon designs in the Panzer Dragoon series. They're elegant without being flowery. Most dragon-riding fantasy books tend to turn the beasts into pretty pretty ponies, but the helmeted/horned masked dragons of Panzer Dragoon are mysterious, compelling—and unquestionably bad-ass.

Related Links:

What'd I Miss? Panzer Dragoon
Sega, Show Some Decency
Have You Seen This Xbox Game?

I Don't Think I Missed Much: Beyond Oasis

Nadia Oxford — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 01:16:00 GMT

Sonic's Ultimate Genesis Collection has proved invaluable in helping me patch the gaming gaps inflicted by my childhood loyalty to Nintendo. Aside from suffering at the hands of Altered Beast, I've been working my way through Beyond Oasis.

Beyond Oasis is an action-RPG that was released in 1995, a particularly rich vein of gaming history. Its top-down sword-swinging action is most often compared to The Legend of Zelda, though the large sprites, interchangeable weapons and focus on fighting over puzzle-solving remind me more of Secret of Mana.

With Secret of Mana being one of my very favourite ~~instruments of torture~~ video games, you would think that I'd latch right on to the Sega Genesis alternative about an Arabian boy with blue eyes and blonde hair. Alas, it has just not been so. Beyond Oasis works well as a distraction to pick at while waiting for my potatoes to boil, but something about it feels hollow. It feels strange to make this discovery, because I spent a lot of energy pretending not to care when the first big, beautiful screenshots of Beyond Oasis hit game magazines.

It's hard to name exactly what turns me off about Beyond Oasis. It might be the boxed-in feeling I get from maneuvering a big sprite on comparatively small playing fields. It might be the lame puzzles, or the unresponsive nature of Ali's elemental helpers. It might be the awful sound effects and voice samples. Really, Sega, if you can't conjure up a convincing “squeak” for your mutant rat enemies, don't stick me with something that sounds like a pen tapping the side of a glass.

I think I'm also irritated by the way the nondescript male townspeople swagger with their bellies sticking out a mile. The story isn't much to write home to mother about, either. Just something about the infinite scary power of a gold armlet, and a quest to find its silver mate. It's strange how A Link to the Past had a minimal story too, but it was presented in a manner that drove me from dungeon to dungeon, eager to find out what was next.

Even the graphics don't impress me as much as those old magazine pictures. The bright whites, greens and yellows are difficult for my eyes to digest. The world presented in Secret of Mana is painted in shades of unicorn puke, but the colours are soft and mesh well together. But hey, at least Beyond Oasis has this totally awesome anime intro, you guys. omg bettar than disney.

On the other hand, Sonic's Ultimate Genesis Collection offers a library of varied titles, and it can be hard to shift from one to the other. I'm currently working my way through Phantasy Star IV, which takes place in an arid world that's nearly spent. Switching into the technicolour lands of Beyond Oasis after a slog through Motavia would melt the eyes off a cyborg. I'll choose my playtime a little more carefully, keep going, and see where I end up. I know I've seen screenshots of a neat dragon boss. I want to celebrate its majesty by stabbing it.

Related Links:

I Will Defeat You, Altered Beast
The Untold Story of Sega Killing Their Own Hardware Business
Gaga for Segaga

Wrestlemania, Botched Flips, and Game Music: Three Great Tastes

Nadia Oxford — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 03:48:00 GMT

I have a passing familiarity with the men and ladies of the WWE. I don't follow wrestling with any regularity; tonight, my husband is flipping out over the Draft, and I'm content to sit here, type, and insert an “Uh huh” whenever he pauses (he doesn't often).

But even I can appreciate the high-flying antics of Wrestlemania, and I did in fact sit through all of Wrestlemania 25 earlier this month (I also attended the event live when Wrestlemania 18 came to Toronto).

I had fun. What's better than Wrestlemania? Wrestlemania bloopers. What's better than Wrestlemania bloopers? Video footage of said screw-ups (plus other iconic moments) with video game music sprinkled throughout.

Related Links:

World WTF Federation: Wrestling Games?
Shigeru Miyamoto, the Heartbreak...Man?
The Making of Wrestle Jam from The Wrestler

Unsolicited Scares: St Eva from Breath of Fire II Loves You Thiiis Much

Nadia Oxford — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 03:02:00 GMT

Circumstances beyond my control got me thinking the other day about Breath of Fire II, Capcom's SNES RPG for totally buff men (unless the US box art is lying to me). Breath of Fire II was my first experience with a God-slaying JRPG, and it stuck with me for a few reasons. Reason one: it nearly made me crap my pants.

Every good Messiah hunt includes a foray into the Master's den of cultists, and Breath of Fire predictably sends the hero Ryu and his pals into the heart of St Eva's town towards the end of the game. St Eva is God, but he's not benevolent. What a twist!

The story makes it obvious that St Eva stinks of corruption and rancid food (flowing robes are catch-alls for cheese and salsa drippings), so Ryu is a bit put off when he walks into St Eva's town and finds it a bustling, happy place. Revelers comment on the beautiful weather, the lame can walk, the blind can see, and every dog has a wagging tail.

Ryu thinks, “Well, maybe I had this Eva fellow pegged wrong,” and decides he needs to reconsider his options. He exits the town--

--and finds himself back inside the town gates.

Suddenly, the warm air is icy, and the friendly townspeople have transformed into cackling, shambling husks. I'm making the event sound especially chilly because it had a personal effect on me. See, there was this time I was in a death cult, and—just kidding. But there is a specific reason I never, ever forgot my trip to St Eva's Land.

I'm a very vivid dreamer. Said dreams don't always take me to pleasant places, but I'm used to them by now:

“How did you sleep?”

“Had a dream about dead puppies covered in flies, but all right otherwise.”

So I'm used to waking up, saying “Ugh, okay,” and getting on with my life. But there are still specific dreams that I classify as nightmares. Namely, I fight to get out of a terrible place, burst out of the exit into the fresh air—and find myself back in the house, cave, etc, with some kind of unidentifiable horror right behind me. I usually wake up in a cold sweat.

No doubt everyone has experienced the same dream at some point, likely throughout all their lives. I played Breath of Fire II nearly 14 years ago, but even then St Eva's trap was enough to give me the chills.

Then I smashed St Eva with the Kaiser Dragon transformation. That'll teach him for taking advantage of my psychological weaknesses.

Related Links:

Unsolicited Scares: Threed, Zombie Central
Unsolicited Scares: Terranigma and the Desert
The White Whale: Terranigma and Ahab Gaming

FMV Hell: Mystic Midway: Phantom Express

Nadia Oxford — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 03:50:00 GMT

I'm saddened by the sight of bare-footed orphans selling cast-away cigarette butts for a few pennies, but I'm devastated by the over-eager acting that accompanies some game FMVs. It wasn't so bad in the Playstation era: most of the voiceovers for early anime cutscenes deserved to be ridiculed, and at least the “actors” got to live in infamy.

But for a mercifully short time, gamers were infatuated with turtle-paced CD games that featured real actors, and not just a voice transplanted to a flapping mouth. These are the games that lived and died on the Sega CD and CD-i. Most FMV-based games were as much fun as sitting on an upright knife, but sometimes you have to look at the actors and think, “God bless them. They tried so hard, but to what avail?”

Mystic Midway: Phantom Express is an on-rails shooter for the CD-i that stars an unapologetically sarcastic carnival barker. The barker heckles you mercilessly, opening the game with a joke he cribbed from the tuff grade two kids who hogged the sand pits at recess: ”I was just reading the most hilarious story! It's called...YOUR LIFE!”

If you have at least one eye and/or one ear, you should be able to surmise why this guy's drama major probably never found use beyond a bottom-feeder game console. Still, he throws so much into the whole performance that just want to stand there and take his jabs. Yes, yes, my life is pitiful and my memory swarms with chilling instances of abuse and neglect. Shhh. It's okay. Go to sleep now.

Yeah, actually, this whole game is pretty depressing.

Related Links:

FMV Hell: Zombie Dinos from the Planet Zeltoid
FMV Hell: Mega Man X4
FMV Hell: Sonic CD

Jim Henson's Resident Evil 5

Nadia Oxford — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 19:26:00 GMT

Every generation is required to pity the subsequent generation for something, whether it's a degrading environmental situation, poor schools, or the belief that people are now lying, thieving jerks for the first time in humanity's history. I have my fits of nostalgia (obviously, since I can't stop gabbing about retro games), but I'm pretty content to leave the past in the past.

One exception: my generation had awesome Muppets. The new generation? Ehhh...not so much. Don't bother arguing unless you want to humiliate yourself by holding up Elmo's senseless baby-babble against the Muppet Show (isn't Elmo supposed to be a role model for children forming their first sentences?).

Thankfully, some resourceful and artistic gamers have put together a project that restores the Muppets to their former fuzzy glory: Jim Henson's Resident Evil 5. Because you can't send a man to do a Muppet's work.

Video after the jump.

Shadow of the Colossus: First Impressions

Nadia Oxford — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 19:06:00 GMT

Fear not. Shadow of the Colossus is a pretty epic title, but I won't run to the computer and bang out a report every time I actually get Agro to run in the direction I want him to—though if you ask me, that's an accomplishment in itself. First impressions are fun to read, though, so I will accommodate the good readers of 61FPS.

It probably won't surprise you when I say the presentation in this game is absolutely gorgeous. I usually give an opening cinematic ten seconds to please me before I mash the Start button, but when I sat back and watched Wander's ponderous but purposeful journey to the Temple, I felt something familiar pull at me. Like I was watching a favourite sequence from a well-loved movie. Various flashes of imagery and sound in this game already remind me of The Neverending Story, a book that never fails to instill me with a sense of solemn adventure despite multiple readings.

Doubtlessly you already know that Shadow of the Colossus features a quiet, calming atmosphere that stands to be butchered by Hollywood, so I'll talk a bit about how it plays. What you need to know: this game is creaming me.

Shadow of the Colossus thrives on its singleness, so there are no menus to shuffle through and no items to sniff out. Most everything you need to hunt the Colossi is available from the very beginning. Wander has the moves standard to a warrior: running, jumping, clinging (very important) and horse-calling. Rolling, aiming, and swinging his sword should be familiar territory for the average 3D Zelda player.

Where Shadow of the Colossus differs from Nintendo's series is you are expected to hone these skills to a needle-sharp point if you're going to stand a chance against the Colossi—and the game isn't about to give you any freebies. I'm only on the first Colossi. I sauntered up to the big bugger thinking he'd be the prerequisite giveaway “tutorial” monster. Next thing I knew, he was wiping me off the bottom of his boulder-sized hoof.

The game doesn't leave you completely blind. Gentle prompts hint at what you need to slay these stone giants, but you won't be easily forgiven if you mess up. Getting smashed by a stone club twenty times the size of a human being hurts about as much as you'd expect it to.

What really caught me off guard was Agro. I'm so used to handling Link's steed, Epona, that I forgot real horses typically don't stop on a dime or make 180 turns as easily as a boy flips a Matchbox car. Like most horses, Agro needs to be coaxed, not controlled. But the bond between Wander and his beast feels more rewarding for it, somehow.

There will be further musings down the road, as this is a muse-worthy game. If I don't get utterly stuck at the first Colossi, mind.

Related Links:

Time For Me To Play Shadow of the Colossus
The Legend of Zelda: Manifest Destiny
The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Stupidity

I Will Defeat You, Altered Beast

Nadia Oxford — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 04:04:00 GMT

It took a while for the Sega Genesis to peel kids' grimy fingers off their NES controllers. The NES had Castlevania, Mega Man, Ninja Gaiden and its pantheon of Mario games. The Genesis had, well, Altered Beast.

Every time I play Altered Beast, I use explicatives I never new existed in my inner dictionary. “F this game! F its mom! Grrr! No wonder nobody liked the Genesis until Sonic the Hedgehog!”

Kids, can you point out what's wrong with that previous paragraph? Hint: ”Every time I play Altered Beast...”

I can't even give you a count of how many years I've been trying to beat Sega's classic. My efforts have doubled since I acquired Sonic's Ultimate Genesis Collection for the Xbox 360, but no dice. Incidentally, I have beaten the arcade version, also included on the Genesis Collection—but that's with the aid of unlimited and accessible continues. On my honour, I will finish Altered Beast on the Genesis with no cheats. This will surely please God more than contributing food or hours of boring volunteer services to the needy.

Why do I keep going back for some Altered Beast punishment? The graphics are laughable, the music is tinny, and an auto-scrolling beat-em-up is pretty much the worst idea ever—but changing into anthromorphic beasts is just so cool, I can't stop doing it. A wolf, a dragon, a tiger, a bear...if Zeus ever woke me up from eternal rest to save his daughter, he'd better damn well give me the option of turning into Nature's pro wrestlers.

I also like the way the zombies explode into bloody chunks if you so much as tap them with your foot. Additionally, there is something gratifying about grabbing a power orb and hearing Zeus declare, “Power. Up.” as your guy's bulging muscles shred his, em, toga. He even stops fighting long enough to throw you a sultry look. Too bad 16-bit technology was so limited; the only sensible follow-up to that look is a dance number by some inflated pecs.

I will continue to do what I must in order to finish this game legitimately. I've already wisen from my gwave about a hundred times. What's a hundred more?

Related Links:

Alternate Soundtrack: Altered Beast vs Natalie Portman's Shaved Head
Confessions of the Young and Stupid: I Almost Bought a Genesis for Moonwalker
Ecco the Dolphin: Was This Game Ever Considered Fun?

Time For Me To Play Shadow of the Colossus

Nadia Oxford — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 00:33:00 GMT

From the Department of “Oh God, Why?” comes word of a Shadow of the Colossus movie. Hollywood has yet to get a game movie right, and there's no immediate reason to decide that the movie based on this Playstation 2 masterpiece will be any different. In fact, Justin Marks, the talented hero responsible for Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li will be penning the script. May as well hunker down in the fallout shelter with your Civil Defence helmet pulled over your head. Feel free to sigh: that weary, defeated feeling that comes with most game movie announcements is no doubt familiar by now.

What's especially sad is that a Shadow of the Colossus movie truly stands to be a heartbreaking waste of the source material. It's a game that thrives on its sparse atmosphere and quiet but riveting heroics. Sadly, Hollywood requires by law for action movies to waste approximately five words per second, and God only knows how it classifies video game movies. I suspect the categorization involves a filing cabinet marked “FOR AUTISTICS.” The Shadow of the Colossus movie is likely going to be very loud and it might contain jokes about horse boners.

Admittedly, I am talking partially out of my bum. I have never played Shadow of the Colossus, but reading this dire news has driven me to bloody well start.

I once mentioned that the era of the Playstation 2 nearly passed me by: it was a very, very poor time for me, and I lacked the money to do anything much beyond keeping a roof over my head and peanut butter in a cupboard under said roof. I've been playing a very slow game of catch-up, and a friend helped me out by loaning me his copy of Shadow of the Colossus. I've been having trouble finding the time to make the disc connect with the Playstation 2's CD tray, but that's going to change.

Expect plenty of commentary about the game: Shadow of the Colossus is a favourite for many, and I think it will be fun to write a running retrospective on it (I've been doing something similar with Phantasy Star IV for the 1UP Retronauts Blog.

Away, Agro!

Related Links:

Super Secret Castle Discovered in Shadow of the Colossus
FIve Games That Will Be Awesome to Remake in LittleBigPlanet
Screen Test: Blood of Bahamut

Cracked: What If Game Characters Could Switch Games?

Nadia Oxford — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 03:53:00 GMT

Someone at Cracked wondered, “What if video game characters could switch games?” A thousand monkeys opened a thousand copies of Photoshop and began to dream.

Not all of the entries are winners—well, obviously, only one entry could be a winner—but there is definitely imagination at work here, and imagination is the very best nation of all.

However you look at it, this kind of project is far preferable to yet another ROM hack featuring Mega Man shooting Shyguys in Subcon.

Enjoy!

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You Can't UNhear it: Time's Scar
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Comfort Through Gaming: Accomplishing Anything in SimEarth

Nadia Oxford — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 03:06:00 GMT

A New Yorker article published in 2006 quoted Will Wright as being an advocate of the Montessori method of teaching. Wright argues that kids given sufficient materials and left to their own devices will educate themselves far more thoroughly than any structured program.

SimCity was apparently born from the legendary game designer's love for self-discovery:

”SimCity comes right out of Montessori—if you give people this model for building cities, they will abstract from it principles of urban design.”

Which is a valid point of view if you're a genius like Wright, but the average SimCity player is eventually just going to write “PENIS” with railroad tracks before giving up, Montessori education or no Montessori education.

I am very much an average Sim player. I did well enough with SimCity for the Super Nintendo and (gasp) Commodore 64. When I picked up SimEarth for the SNES (developed by FCI instead of Maxis), I expected the game to merely be a global re-imagining of SimCity, intuitive and easy to jump into. Instead, I was met with something almost completely different that required a bit more book learning than “Commercial zones do really well next to residential zones.” SimEarth is full of controls, dials, variables, and there is little graphic reward: you won't see massive cities bristle from the wilds as civilisation progresses, and full-scale nuclear war is disappointingly toothless. Yet, something about the SNES installment of the earth simulator is laid-back to the point of being almost therapeutic. I never developed my totalitarian Tyrannosaurus Rex empire because I largely had no idea what I was doing, but I was content to try over and over.

SimEarth actually encourages you to take your time and slap around Gaia to your liking. “Energy” replaces money as the means with which to build your ecosystem, but on the Easy setting, Energy is unlimited and you are free to experiment.

There's also less pressure to succeed, unless you tie yourself down with a scenario (want to terraform Venus? Be my guest). When a fire breaks out in SimCity, it's a disaster that needs to be dealt with ASAP. When a fire breaks out in SimEarth, it's the natural way of things—or a means to an end (more on that in a bit). The fire leaves a scar, but the Earth, if healthy, will heal itself with pretty trees. The people of Earth are also largely unaware of the player's existence. Though people curse God on a daily basis, you won't hear it in SimEarth. But if the people of SimCity hate you, you're going to hear it, Mr (or Ms) Mayor.

I also remain fond of SimEarth's music, particularly the gruff, thudding Geologic time scale piece. This is the music that starts you on your quest to evolve intelligent life. At this point in the game, Earth's surface is nothing but molten rock; Takane Okubo's composition almost carries a dare. “Hey jackass, evolve this!”

You take that challenge, and life evolves from the primordial soup. And the game's music brightens. “Yatta! Let us work towards prosperity!”

There are several videos on YouTube of players attempting the game's scenarios. These are pretty basic: cool off a desert planet until it can sustain mammal life, nurture humanity until it can fly to the moon and become some other race's problem, etc. The very last scenario is the most interesting one: robots have taken over the world Terminator-style, and you must purge them and re-instate biological life.

How do you get rid of a metallic empire? You melt it down to scrap.

Yay! You are good at being God!

Except those filthy robots.

Related Links:

Comfort Through Gaming: Super Metroid's Dark Tunnels
Breaking Out Of Your Gaming Comfort Zone
Watcha Playing: The Palette Cleanser

Actraiser Is Overdue for a Resurrection

Nadia Oxford — Sat, 04 Apr 2009 03:49:00 GMT

We live in an age where game developers see fit to upgrade old classics. Some gamers think they've gone to hell for their sins, but I think we're chin-deep in good times. If nothing else, I can hold on to a slim hope that Square-Enix will revise Actraiser for modern consoles and put it up for sale on XLBA or WiiWare.

Why Actraiser? Good God, why the hell not. I was playing it just last month (my husband had never seen it) and it was such a comfortable, refreshing experience. The frequent switches between action stages and the development of civilisation keep any one thing about the game from getting stale. The graphics are good—that ice wyvern boss is still impressive—and the music is sublime.

Also, you are God. Take that, '90s furry mascots of the game world.

The basic concepts of Actraiser are fun to work through, and they're ripe for adding-onto. Most obviously, there should be more chaotic worlds to cultivate: beat up the monsters with sharp sticks and send them packing so that humans may till the soil. Beyond that, more control over the growth of the cities would be ideal, though admittedly there's something pleasantly uncomplicated about directing the people of Actraiser. Their wild sex orgies and subsequent population growth are merely a means to pump up God's power, but I'd still like to zoom in on one particular mortal, coddle him, praise him, them crush him like Job.

Some gameplay tweaks wouldn't be amiss, either. For someone who's supposed to know everything about human physiology, God is a pretty clunky guy. He holds his sword like a baseball bat and swings like a girl. Nobody corrects his stance though, because you generally don't want to contradict a being who can cast you into an eternal furnace.

God should also be louder, angrier, and have access to a time machine.

Actually, if a remake was ever considered for Actraiser, one rule would make it a success: “Do the opposite of everything Actraiser 2 tried to do.”

Related Links:

Actraiser III! Maybe!
OST: Soulblazer
Let The Mega Man 9 Speedruns Continue

Why Were Game Magazines So Cruel to Earthbound?

Nadia Oxford — Sat, 04 Apr 2009 03:20:00 GMT

Earthbound Central has been collecting old magazine reviews for Earthbound, circa Summer 1995. Thus far, the stable includes Gamepro, Game Players, EGM, and most recently, Video Games & Computer Entertainment.

I recently blamed Gamepro for destroying any interest my fifteen-year-old self had in Earthbound, as I well should: their review was wretched. But having looked back at Earthbound Central's library of horror, I've come to realise that Gamepro is not exclusively to blame for turning me off to Ness' adventure. American reviewers despised this poor game.

EGM's John Gurka reserved a coveted place beside the Throne of God for mentioning that the storyline rivals that of Final Fantasy VI, but even he can't resist sniffing at the “Nintendo-era graphics.” Every other review sneers at the very same, berating Earthbound's lovingly put-together world as “childish,” “cutesy,” and “McDonald's Playland meets Bobby's World.”

(So, which ultimately endeared itself to the world? Earthbound or Bobby's World?)

Earthbound is looked upon as one of gaming history's least appreciated games. The farts-n-pizza ad campaign didn't help, but the reviewers of olde probably didn't have them in mind when they snapped off the game and started banging on the keyboard. Why did Earthbound get shafted in the first place?

Though the JRPG genre didn't hit mainstream American culture until Final Fantasy VII, 16-bit era RPGs raised the heads of a few gamers who discovered the joy of an in-depth story. EGM wasn't off the mark when it compared Earthbound's story to Final Fantasy VI's—but there are obvious differences between the two games, not only in themes and narrative, but the delivery of said narrative as well.

Final Fantasy VI delivers its character development to the player, though sometimes those gab sessions take a little bit of searching (Sabin and Edgar, for instance, won't relay their past unless they're both in the party while visiting Figaro Castle). Earthbound, by comparison, scatters clues for the player to put together so they can draw their own conclusions. We learn a lot about Ness through the flashes of memory he experiences at his Sanctuary locations.

Both games tell a lovely story in very different ways. Japan, obviously long used to the nuances of JRPG storytelling by 1995, embraced Mother 2. America, still fresh from being hammered over the head with sex, betrayal, suicide, and everything else Final Fantasy VI offered us for the first time, understandably thought that epic RPG stories were meant to be fed to them intravenously.

In other words, America needed time to get tired of JRPGs ramming words down our throats. Now, over ten years later, we look back and see what a friend we had in Earthbound. Alas...

Related Links:

Abandon All Hope: No Earthbound for the Virtual Console
The Mother 3 Translation: We're Not Worthy!
Whatcha Listening To: The Earthbound Soundtrack

There Is Significance Behind Super Mario's Cosplay

Nadia Oxford — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 00:08:00 GMT

Life isn't much good at being fair, and it's terrible at baking cookies. But it's great with lessons on perspective, and Lord knows it excels at making you feel old.

I thought I had young gamers figured out. I would sometimes stand in the Arrivals lobby of the airport and wait for a travel-weary grandma to shuffle in with outstretched arms. Once her grandson or granddaughter shrieked with recognition and charged, I'd stand between the two with a large poster of Mario. One hundred percent of the time, grandma was abandoned for a hug with the Mario poster.

I conducted this experiment to determine how recognisable Mario actually is, and also because I like making grandmothers cry. In conclusion, Mario is easily pointed out by the very young and the very old, and everyone in between—but not every aspect of Mario's character is acknowledged universally.

When we think of Mario, we think of a fat Italian guy who wears a hat and loves to bounce around saying, “Woo-hooo!” But Mario is more than a long-time Princess rescuer: he's also a master of shape-shifting. Every new adventure gives him some kind of alterform: a frog, a raccoon, a ghost, a Superman, etcetera, etcetera. Knowledge of these disguises and a twenty-second elevator ride taught me that just because Mario is so easy to point it in a crowd, it doesn't mean his image has remained consistent among gamers of all ages.

A couple of years back, a friend made me a Frog Mario button. I put it on my purse and never had the good sense to remove it, so it's still there. A few days ago, I was riding the elevator up to my apartment, and an eight-year-old kid who boarded with his dad noticed my button.

He said, “It's Luigi!”

Interesting take, I have to admit: when you see something green and vaguely Mario-ish, you may as well default to Luigi. I said, “No, but you're close.”

He looked at me, confused.

“It's Frog Mario.”

You know that stare kids give you when you start speaking to them in tongues?

His dad said, “I think he's too young for that.”

“I was your age when I first played Mario 3,” I told the kid. He looked conflicted. No doubt he hears “When I was your age” as often as we grown-ups hear, “You're past due on this pornography bill,” and he's likely tired of it. On the other hand, no young boy wants to pass up a conversation about Super Mario.

He said, “I like New Super Mario Bros! See, I was fighting Bowser, and there was this fire, right, and--”

Dad interrupted. “But who actually finished the game?”

The kid pointed to his dad.

He was still talking as he was pulled out of the elevator. Until that moment, it had never occurred to me that a young kid might not realise the significance behind Frog Mario, or Raccoon Mario, or even Caped Mario. Despite revivals on the Game Boy Advance and the Virtual Console, he belongs to the retro game community. That's okay, because without change, there is no survival...and Bee Mario is almost as fuzzy and cute as Tanooki Mario. Almost.

Related Links:

Brave New Super Mario World
Super Mario World is Terrifying!
Super Mario's Warp Whistle Mishap

The Kids Don't Get It: Sonic Epoch Advance and Misplaced Maturity

Nadia Oxford — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 03:17:00 GMT

I was talking with a friend earlier about one of fandom's most deplorable habits: forcing “maturation” upon the creative properties they supposedly love. One incident I will never be allowed to forget involved a “grown up” take on Chip 'n Dale Rescue Rangers. Gadget the mouse was pregnant, and there was a lot of swearing, spitting and smoking. The art was fantastic, but again, Gadget was pregnant, and there was a lot of swearing, spitting and smoking.

My friend asked me if I had heard of a Game Boy Advance project called Sonic Epoch Advance. I had not. I was about to be taken to exotic new places. Exotic, dark new places choked with oil, sludge, death and F-bombs.

Sonic Epoch Advance is a chatty action game based on DiC's old Sonic the Hedgehog cartoon—often better known as “Sonic SatAM.” Sonic SatAM earned a reputation for being dark and mature. It really wasn't, though it was ambitious for a kids' cartoon based on a video game. The plot involved Robotnik's eco-terrorism and Sonic's battle against said eco-terrorism. All things said, Sonic Epoch Advance could have chosen worse source material to expand upon.

Unfortunately, fans are pretty good at turning maturity into self-parody, and this little fan project is no exception. The story for Sonic Epoch Advance plays out some years after Sonic disappears in a time-traveling accident and is presumed dead. Princess Sally, an impressively strong female character in DiC's cartoon, falls apart without her hero, and attempts suicide. Tails stops her, but not before swearing a lot and showing off his scowl (it's a rough future, so Tails grew up all tuff. Get it?).

The black tone adopted for Sonic Epoch Advance is ridiculous, and it's hard to believe nobody on the team stopped and said, “Wait, guys, this is stupid.” Fans often feel obligated to realise the full story potential in a series, so they blindly throw in swear words and cigarettes in hopes that they themselves will be reflected as grown-up. It's a funny line of thought, since we start pining for innocence again once we hit our late 20s.

For me, the most disappointing aspect of the Sonic Epoch Advance project is its treatment of Princess Sally. In the cartoon, the exiled leader of Mobius fights alongside Sonic and is level-headed with or without him. Steady female characters are sorely lacking in cartoons and video games, but the project leaders decided that maturity means despair and suicide through a Saturday morning cartoon laser pistol instead of the enviable ability to keep things together during hard times. There are a lot of mixed-up people in this world.

Here's the first part of a Sonic Epoch Advance Let's Play, since the dialogue has to be read to be believed,

Related Links:

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Sheng Long and The Ghost of April Fools' Past

Nadia Oxford — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 02:07:00 GMT

Guard your funnybone: tomorrow is April Fool's Day. It's the most wonderful time of the year to be a games writer, and the most aggravating time of the year to be a gamer.

I've never actually participated in any kind of April Fool's joke. Despite my twisted, pulsating sense of humour, I've never been a fan of practical jokes. I can't stand crank calls, Punk'd, anything that derives a laugh from someone else's gobsmacked expression and/or explosive anger. Though, I have been the victim of crank calls that I felt stupidly honoured to be a part of (I worked in the grooming salon of a PetSmart a few years back and was asked if we sell unicorns. I told the caller to try Narnia).

It's still a lot of fun to lean back and watch the gaming community try to out-ridiculous each other every April 1st. Even better, the tradition pre-dates the Internet-based fandom considerably: the infamous “Sheng Long” edition of EGM (published April 1992) probably wasn't the first instance of games writers indulging in spring jack-assery, but it was definitely the prank that launched a thousand imitators.

To recap, EGM ran with Ryu's mistranslated victory slogan in Street Fighter II for the SNES--”You must defeat Sheng Long to stand a chance”--and turned a string of Engrish into a baffling hunt for Ryu and Ken's Master. If Ryu played through the roster without getting hit once (!), and resisted Bison until the timer hit 0 without sustaining damage (!!!), Sheng Long would appear, “toss M Bison away,” and fly at the player with super-fast Hadokens and Spinning Bird Kicks.

Turns out nobody stood a chance against Sheng Long. EGM first lamented that nobody on staff lasted more than a few seconds with the ethereal Master, then confessed it was all a hoax. A well-spread hoax, at that: game magazines around the world re-printed the trick, and fresh howls of torment rose from Street Fighter II fans as they attempted to do the impossible.

Really, though—ten rounds without getting hit once? Dodging Bison like a ballet dancer shot up with speed? Right off the bat, it's a recipe for a broken controller.

Either way, the race has since been on for game magazines and websites to outdo one another. Looks like The Mega Man Network has cast the first stone this year with, “Mega Man X9 Announced a Day Early.” Oh, you almost got me there.

So, any favourite game-related tomfoolery you want to recall in honour of April's premiere?

Related Links:

Where, Specifically, Did The Street Fighter Movie Go Wrong?
Licensing Tragedies: Malibu's Street Fighter Comic
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Super Mario's Warp Whistle Mishap

Nadia Oxford — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 03:40:00 GMT

Observant players of Super Mario 3 (in other words, my brothers, not me) noticed that when Mario tooted on the Warp Whistle, he was whisked to “World 9.” World 9 is simply a portal to the eight worlds below it, sort of a Mario-style Wood Between the Worlds.

But the universe is held together by more than a mere nine worlds. What would happen if Mario's attempt to warp went awry, and he ended up in a place that Homer Simpson once described as “the worst place of all?”

The Tanooki has the answer.

Warp Whistle
by MatthewDominick

Worst place of all, indeed. White Castle! Shudder!

Related Links:

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Mega64 versus Metal Gear Solid 4's Dad

Nadia Oxford — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 23:44:00 GMT

Despite these tough times, the sun still rises, and those lovable scamps over at Mega64 are up to their old tricks. I think we'll all be okay.

Mega64 was at GDC this year, because it's important for someone to get all up in the face of video games when they become Serious Business. Sometimes, though, Serious Business bites back. At 2007's GDC, the boys of Mega64 dressed as Mario and Luigi and frolicked through the city streets, harassing attendees and women on cellphones. Everything was fun and games until some guy named “Shee-guyo Me-a-photo” put his hands on his hips and beat down the party with a look that said, “Come on guys, plumbers and mustaches are not joke material.”

Mega64 took the lesson to heart, but got a bit naughty again at 2009's GDC with a parody of Metal Gear Solid 4. Serious Business raised its solemn head once again, but this time the boys were running for their lives.

Kojima fills the role well, as does a certain someone near the end, but nothing can beat Miyamoto's bemused look (and the truncated Link cameo) from the first video.

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Game Endings Out of Left Field: Chrono Trigger and the Dream Project

Nadia Oxford — Sat, 28 Mar 2009 03:32:00 GMT

I bought Chrono Trigger for the SNES from a game store merchant who called it “The game that never ends.” If only. There eventually came a time when I had in fact seen everything the game had to offer, and all that was left was to gnaw on its bones in a future search for Schala.

Still, the beauty thing about Chrono Trigger is its lack of a cemented beginning, middle and end. Sure, it's a fairly linear adventure the first time you play through...but after you've taken in your fill of the Moonlight Parade, you're encouraged to slip away and explore Crono's world from as many angles as possible. Even making the tiniest changes in the time stream before taking down Lavos could result in a whole new game ending. Go up against Lavos before you're scheduled to fight Magus, and Frog will fight him one-on-one. Visit the spiky bastard after unlocking the door to the Mammon Machine, and listen to Marle and Lucca make lewd comments about Men Through The Ages.

Then there's my personal favourite: finish the game before it even starts, and visit the development staff.

Discovering this ending for the first time helped me realise that my favourite games were not in fact programmed by super robots from Mars: they were written, planned and programmed by human beings with families and tight schedules. I've likewise since come to realise that the good-natured jokes about losing weight and getting grey hairs probably weren't hyperbole.

The Dream Project ending in Chrono Trigger DS differs slightly. Did Manabu Daishima always wag his finger at rented and borrowed games?

Yuji Horii says, "Wow, the years sure do fly by! This game was first released in 1995!" Square-Enix left out, "Got your money again, suckas!"

The “adjusted” credits screen still makes me laugh.

Related Links:

Game Endings Out Of Left Field: Pilotwings

Freaktastic Fanart: Join the Nintendo Fun Club, Little Mac!

Nadia Oxford — Sat, 28 Mar 2009 03:19:00 GMT

I've been able to count on Shmorky for violent and filthy comics for many fulfilling Internet years (1 Internet year = 0.965 human years). He's turned kittens into crack addicts and squirrels into chain-smoking maniacs, but my favourite thing in the world is when he makes video game characters say and do things they never would.

Unless Yoshi really does have sex with his sister. He's not a talkative mount, and I think that's grounds for suspicion.

The one problem with Shmorky's work (that's right, there is only one problem) is that he fails to archive it with any kind of consistency. He just draws and leaves, like a mama sea turtle shuffling away from her eggs, or a tomcat spraying a filthy alley wall before slinking after a female. So I have no idea how old this Punch-Out!! comic is, but Doc's dead stare probably gets funnier with age, anyway.

Even if it's an old comic, it's still topical! Thanks, Nintendo!

Is Little Mac tired of his trainer's braindead dialogue, or is he just concerned? He looks kind of irritated, but also upset. :(

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Box Art Worth Remembering: Dragon Warrior III (NES)

Nadia Oxford — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 02:30:00 GMT

Gamers are a resourceful species. We play our games, and then sharpen our claws on the box art. This has been our way for decades. It's an old practise, rich with tradition. I mean...look at this stuff.

North American box art has only recently stopped trying to hide the flavour of its innards. Anime character designs, for instance, were used very sparingly until the latter half of the PSOne's life. Instead, A-list titles like Castlevania: Symphony of the Night and Suikoden received jewel case covers that would have been well-suited for a “Count With the Count!” Sesame Street soundtrack, and an instructional CD on 108 ways to draw a generic hero.

Regardless, I think some interesting design choices came out of that strange era. When box art illustrators put forth an effort, the end result was comparable in quality to the original Japanese work. One of my favourite examples is from a title that remains one of my all-time beloved: Dragon Warrior III for the NES.

In 1991, Dragon Ball Z was still millions of years away from American audiences, thus rendering Akira Toriyama more or less nameless on this side of the pond. For Dragon Warrior III Enix of America chose a box design that was absent of any title characters—an interesting choice, given Dragon Warrior III's emphasis on character classes and large parties.

Dragon Warrior III's box art does reveal a couple of items that are key to the game. First and most obvious is one of the six Orbs needed to complete the adventure, towering over a field of weapons and flame. Second is the Hero's sword at the forefront of the illustration.

Speaking once more about interesting design choices, the sword's hilt is shaped like the Crest of Loto. Enix's localisation for the early Dragon Warrior games replaced the legendary Loto with the more manly-sounding Erdrick. Erdrick's crest was key to finishing Dragon Warrior, but whereas the Dragon Quest games made his family badge nearly as iconic as the Slime, Dragon Warrior did little with the heraldic symbol.

The box art for Dragon Warrior III has a sombre feeling about it. One of the things that surprised me most about the revitalisation of the franchise in America was learning how light-hearted the Dragon Quest games actually are. Enix of America's re-designs and translations always made events seem a lot more serious.

That's not entirely a bad thing, though. Video games were most certainly kids' stuff in the 8-bit era, and Dragon Warrior III's box art made you feel like you were about to undertake a solemn task when you opened up the package.

Related Links:

The 61FPS Review: Dragon Quest IV: Chapters of the Chosen
The 61FPS Review: Dragon Quest V: Hand of the Heavenly Bride
Dragon Quest IV: Re-Reading the Chapters of the Chosen