61 Frames Per Second : fan stuff

WTFriday: Death Race Mario Kart

Nadia Oxford — Sat, 18 Apr 2009 02:58:00 GMT

We all count on Mackey's WTFridays to ease us into the weekend like, um...sorry, I can't think of any metaphors that are worthy of readers long done with elementary school. I will say that the only thing better than one WTFriday is two WTFridays.

I've never seen Death Race 2000, though it strikes me as the ultimate testosterone high: fast cars, women, violent death traps, do-or-die competition. I also know it scared the Jesus out of Roger Ebert back in 1975, and he was convinced the children(!!) sitting in the theatre watching the movie with him were going to overturn America with fire. Turned out we didn't; that would have cut into valuable Nintendo time.

Now, nearly 35 years later, the once-shocking Death Race 2000 is considered about as violent as a rainbow compared to what's in theatres today. Should we study this film as a noteable plateau in a medium that's ever-escalating to irrevocable levels of bloodshed and violence? Or should we add Mario Kart sound effects to the footage and laugh?

Duh. Mario Kart is always the answer.

Related Links:

WTFriday: Don't S*** Your Pants Teaches Valuable Life Lessons
WTFriday: Sega's Turd Polish
WTFriday: The Mario Paint Music Showcase

Come Back and Save the President, Zany Video Game Quotes

Nadia Oxford — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 03:55:00 GMT

The Internet isn't short on game-related humour. At every turn on the information highway (do the kids still call it that?), you'll find a comic artist who's only too willing to remind you that Princess Peach is frigid, and Mario is a sexually repressed mess because of it.

While that joke assuredly never gets old, I miss an old haunt that delivered game humour in its rawest form: Zany Video Game Quotes. Most game dialect still has a long climb before it's considered anything close to “respectable,” but today's games rarely deliver something completely baffling on the journey from Japan to your suburban American living room. The 8- and- 16-bit eras were something else entirely.

Zany Video Game Quotes is a storehouse of one-liners and truth: you can tell your kids all about A Winner Is You, or Dodongo Dislikes Smoke, but without proof they'll be like, “Nintendo games never said that! I hate you, Mom!”

Zany Video Game Quotes is also at the core of the All Your Base craze that your Uncle Steve still thinks is hilarious. A reader contributed an animated .gif of the famous intro, it fell into the wrong hands, and black magic happened. What's funny is that ZVGQ's Zero Wing page, which once crackled with enthusiasm for their original find, now carries itself with the pride of a whipped dog.

I don't want to say the site is officially dead, but without a whisper of an update for nearly three years, it's probably safe to assume that ZVGQ is not at the top of anyone's priorities anymore. This is not a true ending!

Related Links:

Katamari in the Classroom, Part 1
War Stories

Freaktastic Fanart: Mother 3 Models

Nadia Oxford — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 01:12:00 GMT

The fan made Mother 3 handbook is much gabbed-about for a reason. It is, without a doubt, the best way you'll spend $20. Outside of buying a fluffy new kitten. A grey one. With white socks.

The guide, put together by good-hearted people at Fangamer.net, Starmen.net, and possibly God, draws major inspiration from the Earthbound player's guide that came packed in with the ill-fated RPG when Nintendo localized it for American audiences. It's funny, it's thorough, it's well-written, and its pages are dotted with custom clay character models. The handbook is recorded proof that fans can come together to produce something beyond pornographic fanfiction or seventy-page arguments about who could reach the sun faster, Goku or Superman?

The clay figurines photographed in the handbook are by Arizona artist Camille Young. Young shows off some of her most impressive pieces in a blog post, including the Mecha-Drago, the Ultimate Chimera, the N.K. Cyborg, and, of course, Porky the sadist man-child.

Especially impressive is Young's design for the Needles that render the dragon of Nowhere Islands benign. Mother 3 has very little in the way of official character sketches and art, so Young had to work with a vague bit of sprite work. She improvised, and the end result is nice:

Related Links:

Freaktastic Fanart: Join The Nintendo Fun Club, Little Mac!
Freaktastic Fanart: Mega Man Zero Fanservice
Freaktastic Fanart: The Momachu

Wrestlemania, Botched Flips, and Game Music: Three Great Tastes

Nadia Oxford — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 03:48:00 GMT

I have a passing familiarity with the men and ladies of the WWE. I don't follow wrestling with any regularity; tonight, my husband is flipping out over the Draft, and I'm content to sit here, type, and insert an “Uh huh” whenever he pauses (he doesn't often).

But even I can appreciate the high-flying antics of Wrestlemania, and I did in fact sit through all of Wrestlemania 25 earlier this month (I also attended the event live when Wrestlemania 18 came to Toronto).

I had fun. What's better than Wrestlemania? Wrestlemania bloopers. What's better than Wrestlemania bloopers? Video footage of said screw-ups (plus other iconic moments) with video game music sprinkled throughout.

Related Links:

World WTF Federation: Wrestling Games?
Shigeru Miyamoto, the Heartbreak...Man?
The Making of Wrestle Jam from The Wrestler

Jim Henson's Resident Evil 5

Nadia Oxford — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 19:26:00 GMT

Every generation is required to pity the subsequent generation for something, whether it's a degrading environmental situation, poor schools, or the belief that people are now lying, thieving jerks for the first time in humanity's history. I have my fits of nostalgia (obviously, since I can't stop gabbing about retro games), but I'm pretty content to leave the past in the past.

One exception: my generation had awesome Muppets. The new generation? Ehhh...not so much. Don't bother arguing unless you want to humiliate yourself by holding up Elmo's senseless baby-babble against the Muppet Show (isn't Elmo supposed to be a role model for children forming their first sentences?).

Thankfully, some resourceful and artistic gamers have put together a project that restores the Muppets to their former fuzzy glory: Jim Henson's Resident Evil 5. Because you can't send a man to do a Muppet's work.

Video after the jump.

Cracked: What If Game Characters Could Switch Games?

Nadia Oxford — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 03:53:00 GMT

Someone at Cracked wondered, “What if video game characters could switch games?” A thousand monkeys opened a thousand copies of Photoshop and began to dream.

Not all of the entries are winners—well, obviously, only one entry could be a winner—but there is definitely imagination at work here, and imagination is the very best nation of all.

However you look at it, this kind of project is far preferable to yet another ROM hack featuring Mega Man shooting Shyguys in Subcon.

Enjoy!

Related Links:

Do You Translate When You Emulate?
You Can't UNhear it: Time's Scar
Animal Crossing City Folk: Nintendo At Their Worst

The Kids Don't Get It: Sonic Epoch Advance and Misplaced Maturity

Nadia Oxford — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 03:17:00 GMT

I was talking with a friend earlier about one of fandom's most deplorable habits: forcing “maturation” upon the creative properties they supposedly love. One incident I will never be allowed to forget involved a “grown up” take on Chip 'n Dale Rescue Rangers. Gadget the mouse was pregnant, and there was a lot of swearing, spitting and smoking. The art was fantastic, but again, Gadget was pregnant, and there was a lot of swearing, spitting and smoking.

My friend asked me if I had heard of a Game Boy Advance project called Sonic Epoch Advance. I had not. I was about to be taken to exotic new places. Exotic, dark new places choked with oil, sludge, death and F-bombs.

Sonic Epoch Advance is a chatty action game based on DiC's old Sonic the Hedgehog cartoon—often better known as “Sonic SatAM.” Sonic SatAM earned a reputation for being dark and mature. It really wasn't, though it was ambitious for a kids' cartoon based on a video game. The plot involved Robotnik's eco-terrorism and Sonic's battle against said eco-terrorism. All things said, Sonic Epoch Advance could have chosen worse source material to expand upon.

Unfortunately, fans are pretty good at turning maturity into self-parody, and this little fan project is no exception. The story for Sonic Epoch Advance plays out some years after Sonic disappears in a time-traveling accident and is presumed dead. Princess Sally, an impressively strong female character in DiC's cartoon, falls apart without her hero, and attempts suicide. Tails stops her, but not before swearing a lot and showing off his scowl (it's a rough future, so Tails grew up all tuff. Get it?).

The black tone adopted for Sonic Epoch Advance is ridiculous, and it's hard to believe nobody on the team stopped and said, “Wait, guys, this is stupid.” Fans often feel obligated to realise the full story potential in a series, so they blindly throw in swear words and cigarettes in hopes that they themselves will be reflected as grown-up. It's a funny line of thought, since we start pining for innocence again once we hit our late 20s.

For me, the most disappointing aspect of the Sonic Epoch Advance project is its treatment of Princess Sally. In the cartoon, the exiled leader of Mobius fights alongside Sonic and is level-headed with or without him. Steady female characters are sorely lacking in cartoons and video games, but the project leaders decided that maturity means despair and suicide through a Saturday morning cartoon laser pistol instead of the enviable ability to keep things together during hard times. There are a lot of mixed-up people in this world.

Here's the first part of a Sonic Epoch Advance Let's Play, since the dialogue has to be read to be believed,

Related Links:

Sonic the Hedgehog: I'm Just Not That Into You
Sonic Unleashed Is Filled With Lies
FMV Hell: Sonic CD

Sheng Long and The Ghost of April Fools' Past

Nadia Oxford — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 02:07:00 GMT

Guard your funnybone: tomorrow is April Fool's Day. It's the most wonderful time of the year to be a games writer, and the most aggravating time of the year to be a gamer.

I've never actually participated in any kind of April Fool's joke. Despite my twisted, pulsating sense of humour, I've never been a fan of practical jokes. I can't stand crank calls, Punk'd, anything that derives a laugh from someone else's gobsmacked expression and/or explosive anger. Though, I have been the victim of crank calls that I felt stupidly honoured to be a part of (I worked in the grooming salon of a PetSmart a few years back and was asked if we sell unicorns. I told the caller to try Narnia).

It's still a lot of fun to lean back and watch the gaming community try to out-ridiculous each other every April 1st. Even better, the tradition pre-dates the Internet-based fandom considerably: the infamous “Sheng Long” edition of EGM (published April 1992) probably wasn't the first instance of games writers indulging in spring jack-assery, but it was definitely the prank that launched a thousand imitators.

To recap, EGM ran with Ryu's mistranslated victory slogan in Street Fighter II for the SNES--”You must defeat Sheng Long to stand a chance”--and turned a string of Engrish into a baffling hunt for Ryu and Ken's Master. If Ryu played through the roster without getting hit once (!), and resisted Bison until the timer hit 0 without sustaining damage (!!!), Sheng Long would appear, “toss M Bison away,” and fly at the player with super-fast Hadokens and Spinning Bird Kicks.

Turns out nobody stood a chance against Sheng Long. EGM first lamented that nobody on staff lasted more than a few seconds with the ethereal Master, then confessed it was all a hoax. A well-spread hoax, at that: game magazines around the world re-printed the trick, and fresh howls of torment rose from Street Fighter II fans as they attempted to do the impossible.

Really, though—ten rounds without getting hit once? Dodging Bison like a ballet dancer shot up with speed? Right off the bat, it's a recipe for a broken controller.

Either way, the race has since been on for game magazines and websites to outdo one another. Looks like The Mega Man Network has cast the first stone this year with, “Mega Man X9 Announced a Day Early.” Oh, you almost got me there.

So, any favourite game-related tomfoolery you want to recall in honour of April's premiere?

Related Links:

Where, Specifically, Did The Street Fighter Movie Go Wrong?
Licensing Tragedies: Malibu's Street Fighter Comic
The Five Characters You Won't See in Street Fighter IV

Super Mario's Warp Whistle Mishap

Nadia Oxford — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 03:40:00 GMT

Observant players of Super Mario 3 (in other words, my brothers, not me) noticed that when Mario tooted on the Warp Whistle, he was whisked to “World 9.” World 9 is simply a portal to the eight worlds below it, sort of a Mario-style Wood Between the Worlds.

But the universe is held together by more than a mere nine worlds. What would happen if Mario's attempt to warp went awry, and he ended up in a place that Homer Simpson once described as “the worst place of all?”

The Tanooki has the answer.

Warp Whistle
by MatthewDominick

Worst place of all, indeed. White Castle! Shudder!

Related Links:

The Wii Is Not Killing Video Games
The Super Mario Bros Anime
Brave New Super Mario World

Mega64 versus Metal Gear Solid 4's Dad

Nadia Oxford — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 23:44:00 GMT

Despite these tough times, the sun still rises, and those lovable scamps over at Mega64 are up to their old tricks. I think we'll all be okay.

Mega64 was at GDC this year, because it's important for someone to get all up in the face of video games when they become Serious Business. Sometimes, though, Serious Business bites back. At 2007's GDC, the boys of Mega64 dressed as Mario and Luigi and frolicked through the city streets, harassing attendees and women on cellphones. Everything was fun and games until some guy named “Shee-guyo Me-a-photo” put his hands on his hips and beat down the party with a look that said, “Come on guys, plumbers and mustaches are not joke material.”

Mega64 took the lesson to heart, but got a bit naughty again at 2009's GDC with a parody of Metal Gear Solid 4. Serious Business raised its solemn head once again, but this time the boys were running for their lives.

Kojima fills the role well, as does a certain someone near the end, but nothing can beat Miyamoto's bemused look (and the truncated Link cameo) from the first video.

Related Links:

Mega64 Calls Upon the Elite Beat Agents
10 Years Ago This Week: Silent Hill
True Tales of Thanksgiving Gaming

Freaktastic Fanart: Join the Nintendo Fun Club, Little Mac!

Nadia Oxford — Sat, 28 Mar 2009 03:19:00 GMT

I've been able to count on Shmorky for violent and filthy comics for many fulfilling Internet years (1 Internet year = 0.965 human years). He's turned kittens into crack addicts and squirrels into chain-smoking maniacs, but my favourite thing in the world is when he makes video game characters say and do things they never would.

Unless Yoshi really does have sex with his sister. He's not a talkative mount, and I think that's grounds for suspicion.

The one problem with Shmorky's work (that's right, there is only one problem) is that he fails to archive it with any kind of consistency. He just draws and leaves, like a mama sea turtle shuffling away from her eggs, or a tomcat spraying a filthy alley wall before slinking after a female. So I have no idea how old this Punch-Out!! comic is, but Doc's dead stare probably gets funnier with age, anyway.

Even if it's an old comic, it's still topical! Thanks, Nintendo!

Is Little Mac tired of his trainer's braindead dialogue, or is he just concerned? He looks kind of irritated, but also upset. :(

Related Links:

Freaktastic Fanart: Mega Man Zero Fanservice
Freaktastic Fanart: The Momachu

Mega Man 2.5D?

Nadia Oxford — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 05:30:00 GMT

I'm automatically skeptical about fan-made games. I will nod at the demos and videos and say, “That's very nice,” but I won't get excited until there's a final product for me to play through.

What can I say. I've seen innumerable projects that began with energy and enthusiasm that surged like Niagara Falls. All but maybe 3% have been dammed up by extended work schedules, “family issues,” or exam season.

For all my adult cynicism, I am hoping that the “Mega Man 2.5D” project survives. It aims to add half a dimension to the classic Mega Man 2, not unlike Super Paper Mario or even (twitch) Bug! for the Sega Saturn.

The demo video looks like the final product would be a lot of fun to blaze through, while at the same time it's a loving tribute to the pinnacle of retro platforming titles. Seems like there's no escape from the disappearing/reappearing blocks.

When I was a kid, I called the disappearing/reappearing blocks “Dustbusters,” because, well, that's what they sound like.

Related Links:

Mega Man Robot Club
Know Your Mega Man Boss Weaknesses. It Will Save Your Life.
Mega Man 2 vs Mega Man 3: The Eternal Battle for Everlasting Peace

WTFriday: A Serial Killer's Ideas for Wii Games

Nadia Oxford — Sat, 21 Mar 2009 03:42:00 GMT

The Internet is good because it lets talented cartoonists like Chris Onstad of Achewood put together comics about serial killers penning their own ideas for Wii games. Gamer humour isn't absent from the syndicated newspaper slurry we're fed every morning, but you can't really expect the jokes to go beyond, “Ha ha, my wacky husband plays video games more than my kids (Also, Mary Worth keeps meddling in my life)!”

Achewood's Nice Pete is the most eccentric member of a bizarre cast: he's a mass murderer—it's implied he might in fact be a child murderer—but Onstad never asks the reader to pass judgment on him. Pete's proposal for “Cereal Pro 5000,” complete with its own Protip, is one of several quick glimpses we're given into a past composed of a broken family, rusted screen doors and hungry, limping dogs. The drunken father that Pete obviously had to work around on “bad” days is the same father he aims to make proud by designing Wii games. Wii games that he evidently believes everyone can relate to.

It's impossible to feel just one emotion at the end of an Achewood cartoon.

Related Links:

WTFriday: Mario Versus Airman
WTFriday: Mega Man A Cappella
WTFriday: The Splash Woman Rap

Freaktastic Fanart: Mega Man Zero Fanservice

Nadia Oxford — Wed, 18 Mar 2009 02:44:00 GMT

I haven't yet decided if game-related fandoms are more like the Hotel California (where you can check out any time you like, but you can never leave) or the maze of the Minotaur (where attempts at escape just draw you closer and closer to a misbegotten beast-man who will slit your belly with a horn).

I'm still active in the Mega Man fandom, though I'm not in the middle of it anymore. I just kind of squat on the fringes in my hermit shack and poke sticks at the bad yaoi fanfiction. But I still love the Blue Bomber, and I maintain a close group of like-minded friends. One such friend is Irene, also known as “Wave.” Her alias should give you an idea of how long she's been in the fandom, since it lacks a string of numbers at the end.

Wave has been an eye-popping artist for as long as I've known her. Even though she's all growed up now and working at Marvel, she can always be counted on for completely rad Mega Man X and Mega Man Zero oekakis. What's an oekaki? Sort of an illustrated message board. With a limited range of tools and layers, you draw what's on your mind and others comment on your work.

Click the jump for delightful samples of Wave's work. Check out her Deviantart account for the full-sized pics.

The above wasn't actually done on an oekaki, but it's too awesome and too red to pass up.

Anyway, any moron can make nice pictures on an oekaki! Just look at my own masterpiece!

Related Links:

Freaktastic Fanart: The Momachu
WTFriday: The Great Final Fantasy VI Breast Challenge
Me and My Moogles: A Love Affair Ahead of Its Time

The Atari Jaguar and the Bit Wars

Nadia Oxford — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 03:05:00 GMT

The Angry Video Game Nerd is back, and he's kicking off his resurrection with a two-part series on the Jaguar. Part one offers a brief history of the Jaguar, but doesn't explore its impotent game library at any length. Instead, the Nerd talks about how the Jaguar helped loosen a very powerful advertising ankle trap: the “Bit Wars.”

Putting it simply, if you were a gamer and conscious in between the years of 1985 and 1996, you were led to believe that more “bits” in a console equals a better system. You also fell for it, at least until certain truths started to leak out from pores of the 32/64-bit system race.

The NES was a huge improvement over the Atari 2600. The Super Nintendo and Sega Genesis were a huge improvement over the rinky-dink graphics on the NES. 32-bit systems were capable of orchestrated audio, anime cutscenes and 3D graphics. And that's where the waters started to muddy up.

Before the 32/64-bit race began in earnest, I was going through a small obsessive fit with Capcom arcade games. In particular, Street Fighter Alpha, and (sigh) Dungeons and Dragons: Shadows Over Mystara. I thought for certain I'd see ports on the N64, because, duh, Nintendo's system was going to be the most powerful one in the console race! Why wouldn't it happen?

I posted the question on my high school's BBS and was laughed at by a lot of angry video game nerds who predated the Angry Video Game Nerd.

Storage space, development kits, costs...those meant little to me. It was all about the bits. Even though Squaresoft had thrown up its hands over the N64's cartridges and said, “Nope.” Even though Atari had long since made an ass of itself with the Jaguar.

It took a while, but I came to realise that “bits” were an advertising ruse that was even more effective and long-lived than Sega's infamous Blast Processing. The scope and vision of Super Mario 64 could never be achieved on the Playstation, but all things told, it didn't look much better than a Playstation game, and I had been bred to believe that the evolution of games was marked by its aesthetics.

The Nerd mentions how hard it was to convince his parents that a 16-bit Super Nintendo was actually a whole new experience next to the 8-bit Nintendo. At least the visual jump was evident from the start. My biggest challenge was convincing my parents that a 32-bit Playstation offered a whole new gameplay experience next to the N64. The N64 had Shadows of the Empire and Waverace; the Playstation had sprites, Final Fantasy VII, and Mega Man X4.

Problem was, I had long ago trained them to believe that “up” was the only way to go with bit counts. They weren't about to let me spend hundreds of dollars on a downgrade.

Eventually, I won. And my parents knew for sure they'd been duped when they heard the top-quality voice acting in Castlevania: Symphony of the Night.

Related Links:

Life Without Playstation
The Angry Video Game Nerd's House of Nintendo Horrors
Wasted Rentals, Wasted Youth: Bram Stoker's Dracula

The Angry Video Game Nerd's House of Nintendo Horrors

Nadia Oxford — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 03:37:00 GMT

There's been a noticeable lull in publicised Angry Video Game Nerd rants. Apparently, Rolfe is waiting for his contract renewal with ScrewAttack, and he's forbidden to yell until the people who sign his paycheques say it's okay. Man, I've been there.

To tide over the masses, the Nerd has published a short YouTube video showing off his NES game collection. How many Nintendo games do you think he owns? Times 'a lot' by a skillion and you'll get an idea.

Actually, I got more out of this video than I thought I would. The Nerd shows us his legitimate games, but in spite of Nintendo's best efforts, the NES had a lot of titles that weren't anywhere close to legitimate. Tengen's “illegal” version of Tetris was only the Purgatory of a twisted plastic hell. Deeper in the forbidden depths, you will see atrocities like cartridges bandaged together with sticky “Sale!” stickers, and cartridges with connectors poking out of their misbegotten heads.

Come one, come all. Two bits a gander.

Related Links:

The Angry Video Game Nerd Says a Bad Word: Deadly Towers
Periphery: The Angry Video Game Nerd Edition
Wow, Superman 64 Really Was Terrible

Pick Up Chicks In the Zelda Mobile

Nadia Oxford — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 16:28:00 GMT

You deserve a sexy car. That's why you need to own the Legend of Zelda Car. It's a 1978 Ford Fairmount adorned with the full map from the first Legend of Zelda game and other Zelda-related eye candy.

Pictures of the Zelda Car have vroom-vroomed their way into Nintendo Power, Digg, and several game sites. Face it: this is the car you want to lose your virginity in, you studly 29-year-old. Well, good news. It's up for sale.

The owner of the Zelda Car has taken out an ad on craigslist; he (she?) simply doesn't need the vehicle anymore, though it's been as faithful to him as Epona. It's in good condition, has a mere 110,000 miles on it (surely Link has walked/ridden more), and has fairly new shocks and tires.

It's yours for $500.00 USD.

Buy it, will ya!

Related Links:

The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Stupidity
The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask: Why I Let Termina Go Squish
Faster, Link! Kill! Kill!

Mega Man Rap Video: Creative Work, a Lot of Filth, or Both?

Nadia Oxford — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 04:58:00 GMT

I have with me a video that people either seem to hate, or enjoy immensely. Simply titled “Mega Man 2,” it's a rap/metal conglomerate remix that, in my opinion, is catchy and pretty well put-together.

There's also forkfuls of swearing, which is what seems to turn people off. I don't think Mega Man would belt out lyrics like “From the windows/To the walls/'Til the sweat drips from my ballz”, no matter what any Robot Master might throw at him. But I guess worse has happened for the sake of a rhyme.

If you want to start complaining about continuity errors, you may as well ask why this video has Rush despite the Mega Man 2 theme. Rush and Protoman.

Video after the jump. What do you think?

Related Links:

The Mega Man Robot Club
Mega Man 9 Bosses Look Like Mega Man Bosses
Scene Re-Dub Attempts To Make Up for Mega Man X4's Past Sins

Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li Scores 0% At Rotten Tomatoes

Nadia Oxford — Sat, 28 Feb 2009 01:30:00 GMT

It's a rare example of the human race coming together, joining hands, and speaking in one clear voice: Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li is deplorable.

This isn't an instance of disgusted high-profile critics turning their heads and waving their hankies at the screen, either. In fact, the RottenTomatoes profile for Legend of Chun-Li is more or less devoid of many big names, as the film didn't offer a screening for critics. These are Street Fighter fans who are scraping dirt over the movie with the side of their shoe. These are people who saw 1994's silver screen attempt at Street Fighter and vastly prefer Jean-Claude Van Damme and his “powder blue beret.”

Ouch, ouch, ouch. Goes to show there's no such thing as rock bottom; there's always one level underneath. For instance, Hell.

Here's a small sampling of what critics are saying about Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li. Contains 3000% of the recommended daily intake of regret, remorse, and regurgitation.

”I much prefer the flamboyant badness of the '94 flick to the attractive, even-keeled mediocrity of this one. Jean-Claude Van Damme's stock just rose considerably.” -- Eugine Novikov, AMCtv.com

“Even by the admittedly lowered standards of video game adaptations, the new Street Fighter movie stinks.”-- Rob Vaux, Mania.com

“As a fan of the video game series, I can honestly say that this is hands down one of the worst films I have ever seen. Chris Klein is so bad that he made the movie a comedy.” -- Kevin McCarthy, CBS Radio

“Common sense says there's no reason to make a follow-up to a bad movie 15 years later. Take that, common sense! Coming soon: The origin of Pac-Man's taste for dots.” -- Matt Pais, Metromix.com

Artist Updates Classic Game Characters

Nadia Oxford — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 02:18:00 GMT

Over at a blog named Plan to Fail, there dwells a Canadian illustrator named Tom Rhodes. When Reading Week temporarily sprung Tom from the shackles of higher learning, he decided to celebrate by “updating” classic video game characters.

His first revisions centered on the characters from Earthworm Jim and Star Fox:

”I've never played [Star Fox] for more than 20 seconds, because I'd been spoiled by flight simulators I liked a lot more, but I always thought the character looked cool, so that's probably why he came to mind.”

The introduction of Krystal may have turned Star Fox into generic furry pin-up material, but in my heart, Fox is the last stand for genuinely cool animal-men.

A few more examples of Rhodes' work follow after the jump.

(Ken and Ryu. Love the wolf shirt on Ken.)

(The Pong Paddles. Seriously.)

(Guess.)

Related Links:

Chrono Trigger's Box Art Still Makes My Head Buzz
Yeah, But Is It Art?: Oh Wait, It's Already Art
The Art of Metroid Prime, Echoes and Corruption

The Reason Why Sonic the Hedgehog Doesn't Dig Water Sports

Nadia Oxford — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 04:26:00 GMT

As a prank, I'd like to run around the world and replace every zoology textbook with video games. In no time we'll have students believing they can make turtles come out of their shells by jumping on them, and that hedgehogs will sink like stones if you throw them in water.

Indeed, Sonic the Hedgehog borrows a lot of traits from Super Mario, but there is one vital difference: Mario can float in the water with the ease of a dead body. Sonic, built for speed and raw attitude, cannot bother his cool self with swimming lessons at the Y.

Videogamer.com wanted to find out the real reason Sonic can't swim. Did Yuji Naka intend for us to experience water physics from a new perspective? Did he want us to feel the panic that blossoms in our chests when the five-second countdown chops at our ears and we're helpless to simply swim to the surface?

Apparently, Naka simply thought hedgehogs can't swim. They can, though not exceptionally well. Hedgehogs shine in the pointy spike department, but can use work on their doggy-paddle.

Growing up, I gave Naka more credit. I read something years ago about how foxes sometimes kill hedgehogs by rolling them into a body of water, wherein the 'hogs automatically uncurl and expose their soft underbellies to the fox's pearly whites. That made an impression on me, and when I played Sonic the Hedgehog and noticed that Sonic was fairly helpless in water...

Though I guess if that were the case, Sonic would have to keep a wary eye on Tails in the Aquatic Ruin Zone.

Related Links:

Sonic Unleashed is Filled with Lies
The Untold Story of Sega Killing Their Own Hardware Business
Game Compilations: The Good, The Bad and the Fugly

The Console Wars Made Adorable

Nadia Oxford — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 00:50:00 GMT

Everyone gets embroiled in a console war once in a while. We have some kind of inborn instinct that causes us to rush to the defence of our beloved consoles as if they were a damsel cornered by a dragon. It's interesting to wonder what system-associated developers like Miyamoto think about such behaviour. “What, do you people have deep-rooted problems revolving around peer approval or something?”

When you think about how silly the console wars ultimately are, you really do have to duck your head in shame for participating (shortly before you go back and do it all over again). Or, sometimes, you might receive another reminder of how easily we can all get along if we just try. For instance, through an art project.

A board member on IGN has put together a small group of sketches titled, “The Console War is Officially Over.” The adorable pictures feature the major game consoles (and their young portable siblings) in various states of play.

(Those bedsheets should be burning merry hell.)

It's a heart-melting group of pics. It makes me feel really bad for ever fitting my Xbox 360 with sharp spurs and sending it after the PS3. They don't want to fight. They want to love. I vow to be a better console owner from now on.

(PSP, moar like Pee-ass-pee, lol)

Related Links:

Roundtable Discussion: Where Is the Handheld Version of the Console Wars?
Sign of the Times: Current Gen to Stick Around a Little Longer
Microsoft's New Year's Resolution

Mega64 Calls On the Elite Beat Agents

Nadia Oxford — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 23:46:00 GMT

The world would be a better place if the Elite Beat Agents could fly at our everyday problems singing and dancing. Flat tire? Beautiful voices can re-inflate that. Broken vase? The Elite Beat Agents can coax those pieces back into place. Failing with your girlfriend in bed? Maybe not. She might run away with Agent Spin (I know I would).

Game-related comedy troupe Mega64 has catapulted to nerd fame by videotaping themselves bouncing around in a kuribo, performing stealth operations in a grocery store as Solid Snake, and wandering around PetSmart as a lonely Tetris L-piece looking for a corner to lean on. This time, the group dressed up as the Elite Beat Agents and tried to bring joy to Californians by the ocean. Unfortunately, Californians seem immune to joy. Actually, given the demographic of San Francisco, they've probably just learn how to politely step around crazy people the same way suburban dwellers have learned to step around piles of dog poo.

Video after the jump.

Watching this makes me nostalgic for Elite Beat Agents. It was a great game with a fantastic localisation, but it wasn't the Nintendogs successor Nintendo was obviously hoping it would be. Despite careful retooling of the source title, Osu! Tatakae! Ouendan!, the sharp anime art style was still a bit intimidating for mom and dad.

Related Links:

How Chicago Inadvertently Penned an Anthem for Dead Fathers
Ready? Okay! Wii've Got Spirit, Yes Wii Do...
No Alternate Soundtrack: Chibi Robo

The Earthbound Legal Conundrum In-Depth

Nadia Oxford — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 04:13:00 GMT

The recent news about Earthbound never coming to the Virtual Console because of legal reasons has struck up a chorus of “But--” and “How come--”. People are understandably upset that Ness's adventure is going to remain in eBay Hell forever, and they want solid answers about why this wretched thing is happening.

There still aren't any solid answers, but the good man in charge of Mother 3's recent fan translation, Tomato, has put together an incredibly in-depth list of reasons why Nintendo is erring on the side of caution. Put in simplest terms, the Internet has made it easier than ever to conjure reasons for an IP lawsuit, and Nintendo already has numerous lawsuits hanging off it at any one time like parasitic fish on the belly of a whale. Even a company like Capcom likely doesn't see half the number of lawsuits Nintendo does, thus explaining why it shrugged off the release of Mega Man and Mega Man 2 on the Virtual Console, despite numerous musical “tributes” in both games.

As Tomato put it:

To avoid crap lawsuits, Nintendo has a team of legal people who have to go through everything Nintendo plans to release and look for anything that can cause potential lawsuits. Then these things are fixed if necessary.

The point is: they’re trying to avoid lawsuits in the first place. It doesn’t matter if they could clearly successfully win lawsuits brought against them; they’d still lose money in the process. Having this team of legal people is cheaper than putting up with every lawsuit that every crazy money-hungry company hits them with.

Remember Star Tropics, an 8-bit RPG by Nintendo? When we were kids, Mike pelted his enemies with a Yo-Yo. On the Virtual Console, his Yo-Yo became a “Star” because some Canadian company owns the rights to the Yo-Yo name. Likely said Canadians are too busy drinking and racing moose to care about an old Nintendo game, but Nintendo figures, why take the risk?

“So why is this all a problem now?” asks the Internet collective. “Why wasn't it a problem when Earthbound first came out for the SNES?”

There were copyright problems, and as Tomato notes, they were addressed. The awesomely-named “Grateful Dead Valley” became “Peaceful Rest Valley.” The Red Cross that marked in-game hospitals was removed, because sure enough the Red Cross will pitch a fit over logo copyrights otherwise. Dr Andonuts' “Sky Walker” craft became the “Sky Runner,” and the logo on the vaguely Coke-ish looking trucks was changed to something generic.

(The “Coke” logo was better off altered, anyway: the trucks in Mother 2 feature a suggestive white line under the word “Come.”)

So is this the very end, my friends? Is a VC release for Earthbound utterly hopeless? Tomato paints a pretty convincing argument, but like the UFO people often say, I want to believe. It's a funny old world out there, and it's full of just as many happy surprises as it is soul-crushing disappointments. Maybe all the lawyers in the world will simultaneously learn how to love again and Earthbound will show them the way.

Related Links:

Abandon All Hope: No Earthbound for the Virtual Console
Whatcha Listening To: The Earthbound Soundtrack
Earthbound and Back Again

Queen Plus Mario Equals High-Flying Fun

Nadia Oxford — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 04:45:00 GMT

Anime music videos—often known as animated music videos or simply AMVs—are about as hit-or-miss as a hobby based on video editing can possibly get. 95% of the AMVs that clog YouTube are garbage. Take note of that 95%. It is not a fabrication or exaggeration.

But once in a while something comes by that makes you glad people took the time to match up a bunch of animation frames to some kind of music. Super Platinum 61FPS member Roto13 made me aware of one such video: fast-paced Super Mario Galaxy footage set to Queen's “Don't Stop Me Now.”

Mario works really well alongside Queen's peppy rock. One of the reasons AMVs fail so often is because “editors” don't realise that Pokemon and Linkin Park will never mix, no matter what depraved means are exercised in order to force them to mate.

(By the way, if you also want to become a Super Platinum 61FPS Member, just slip me a hundred bucks while I throw this tinfoil ball up in the air to distract Constantine.)

Video after the jump.

Related Links:

Brave New Super Mario World
Super Mario Galaxy Cake is Made of Awesome (and Butter and Eggs and Sugar)
When Does a Console Pay For Itself?

WTFriday: A Sad Dog's Rush Cosplay

Nadia Oxford — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 17:50:00 GMT

On Christmas Day of 2008, an individual with a bad fake accent received a camera for a present, much as we're all rewarded for the hard work we performed during the birth of our Lord. Knowing the Internet was sorely lacking in pointlessly adorable content, this person went on to film his own series, “Dog Time,” starring a yellow lab with the saddest face in dogdom.

Episode 9 is relevant to our interests: the dog cosplays as Rush, Mega Man's trusty red pooch.

I swear the first words out of my mouth were, “Awwww, he wants to hang himseeeeelf!”

I work with dogs occasionally, so I like to think I can read them. I'm stumped with this puppy, though. I can't decide if he's really obedient to his master, or just really, really depressed.

“There is no Dog. Er, God.”

Related Links:

WTFriday: Mario versus Air Man
WTFriday: The Super Mario Bros Anime
WTFriday: The Star Fox 64 Promo Video

Georges St Pierre's Punch-Out!!

Nadia Oxford — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 22:43:00 GMT

Topless Robot argues that everything is better with Punch-Out!! sound effects, and I've not yet found a reason to disagree. In fact, I'd probably be a lot more interested in mixed martial arts fighting if little stars appeared over the fighters' heads as they got clobbered.

I had to look up Georges St Pierre on Wikipedia because I'm a girl and required by law to remain ignorant about sports. Apparently, “GSP” is the biggest name in the Ultimate Fighting Championship right now (that's what UFC stands for! -- see, I can Wiki with the best of 'em!), and in fact he was voted 2008's Canadian athlete of the year.

What that has to do with his trainer's advice about licking his fingers and rubbing his nipples, I don't know. Wiki wasn't forthcoming with any cool, scandalous information. Maybe you can tell me. Video after the jump.

Related Links:

Punch-Out Wii To Make Early 2009 A Little Less Depressing
Christmas in Nintendoland: The Tokyo Conference
The Erotic Adventure of Little Mac

This Functional Game Boy Costume Will Show Us the Way

Nadia Oxford — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 18:06:00 GMT

Video game cosplayers, take note. We've seen enough of that smelly Cloud costume that gets dragged out of the closet year after year, convention after convention. The cardboard sword is sagging, and a moth ate through the crotch of your pants. I don't know what continuity you're honouring by letting Cloud go commando, but either way, the fantasy is dead and the children are frightened. Give it up.

Cosplay has long been the Internet's equivalent of that guy who sits above a dunk tank at a carnival. I have nothing against this particular perched gentleman, same as I have nothing against cosplayers. I just can't resist taking a shot.

In fact, everyone jabs cosplayers now and then. There is an ancestral instinct that causes us to mock men in tights; it's how our forebears protected themselves from bards. But it's a petty person who won't recognise true costume-design talent when they see it. I've seen some fantastic costumes in my (regrettable?) years of anime con attendance, but there hasn't been anything quite like the functional Game Boy who waddled around Ohayocon 2009 and graciously put up with people playing Tetris on his chest.

A video of the costume in action lies under the jump.

I haven't seen too many people dress up as game consoles, but the original Game Boy is by far the most popular choice. This is just the first time I've seen a Game Boy costume that works, though I have also witnessed wishful thinking. One year I took my little brother trick or treating on Halloween. He ran up to a kid on the street dressed as a Game Boy and started punching him in the buttons. That was a particularly violent Hallow's Eve.

Related Links:

Kid Icarus on Game Boy: Did Anyone Get To Play This?
Many Colors in the Hardcore Rainbow
Wasted Rentals, Wasted Youth: Bram Stoker's Dracula

WTFriday: The Great Final Fantasy VI Breast Challenge

Nadia Oxford — Sat, 07 Feb 2009 02:56:00 GMT

I hope that Mackey will find it in his heart to forgive me for borrowing a “WTFriday” from him, but I'm afraid there is no other suitable phylum for that which I have recently...experienced.

I admire people who set goals for themselves and follow through, as long as those goals don't involve killing, maiming, raping, or smashing kneecaps with a roque mallet. But I admit my ol' brain shuffled through a deck of mightily confused emotions when an Internet friend (the best kind of friend) told me about an online artist's recent project.

See, this artist aims to draw every Final Fantasy VI boss character—male, female, neuter, and mechanical—with a plump pair of breasts.

S/he has an admirable head start.

Master Typhon? That's Mistress Typhon, you insolent pup.

Death Gaze? Of course. How else is s/he going to keep that Bahamut magicite shard warm while gliding through frigid, blood-tinted skies?

Phantom Train? Why the fuck not?

The most humiliating aspect of this project lies not with the ambitious artist, but with me. My friend wasn't able to provide a name or web address, so I've been desperately looking for this project's home base. If I'm ever pulled in for a heinous crime, the Mounties are going to find the following Google searches on my computer:

final fantasy vi+breasts

final fantasy vi+tits

final fantasy vi+tits+bosses

final fantasy vi+project tits

Alas, I turned up no name, and I've only made myself look like a deviant in the process. Join me by viewing a couple more completed pieces. And if you're the artist, uh, stop in and take a bow, I guess?

Old Man Brings Misery to Animal Crossing

Nadia Oxford — Fri, 06 Feb 2009 04:17:00 GMT

“Hey Ash, Whatcha Playin'” is series of videos about a family that plays games. A strange family.

Okay, so twisted gamers is hardly a new idea. How many game comics and videos are about two self-diagnosed Asperger's kids sitting on a couch and saying, “LOL Xbox is hueg?” I'd go as far as to say...ten.

“Hey Ash” is still a bit different, though. Sure, you have the snarky brother and the snappy sister, but the twisted father adds a new dimension. My father never had a conventional sense of humour either, but I don't think he'd try to fuck with my head through an Animal Crossing game.

(Granted, he wouldn't know how to turn on the Wii by himself.)

Video after the jump.

Related Links:

Animal Crossing City Folk: Nintendo at Their Worst
The Baa-ad Neighbours of Animal Crossing
Miyamoto Is Concerned About Excessive Violence in Video Games