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  • Time For Me To Play Shadow of the Colossus

    From the Department of “Oh God, Why?” comes word of a Shadow of the Colossus movie. Hollywood has yet to get a game movie right, and there's no immediate reason to decide that the movie based on this Playstation 2 masterpiece will be any different. In fact, Justin Marks, the talented hero responsible for Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li will be penning the script. May as well hunker down in the fallout shelter with your Civil Defence helmet pulled over your head. Feel free to sigh: that weary, defeated feeling that comes with most game movie announcements is no doubt familiar by now.

    What's especially sad is that a Shadow of the Colossus movie truly stands to be a heartbreaking waste of the source material. It's a game that thrives on its sparse atmosphere and quiet but riveting heroics. Sadly, Hollywood requires by law for action movies to waste approximately five words per second, and God only knows how it classifies video game movies. I suspect the categorization involves a filing cabinet marked “FOR AUTISTICS.” The Shadow of the Colossus movie is likely going to be very loud and it might contain jokes about horse boners.

    Admittedly, I am talking partially out of my bum. I have never played Shadow of the Colossus, but reading this dire news has driven me to bloody well start.

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  • Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li Scores 0% At Rotten Tomatoes

    It's a rare example of the human race coming together, joining hands, and speaking in one clear voice: Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li is deplorable.

    This isn't an instance of disgusted high-profile critics turning their heads and waving their hankies at the screen, either. In fact, the RottenTomatoes profile for Legend of Chun-Li is more or less devoid of many big names, as the film didn't offer a screening for critics. These are Street Fighter fans who are scraping dirt over the movie with the side of their shoe. These are people who saw 1994's silver screen attempt at Street Fighter and vastly prefer Jean-Claude Van Damme and his “powder blue beret.”

    Ouch, ouch, ouch. Goes to show there's no such thing as rock bottom; there's always one level underneath. For instance, Hell.

    Here's a small sampling of what critics are saying about Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li. Contains 3000% of the recommended daily intake of regret, remorse, and regurgitation.

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  • Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li Is Not For Critics

    There's a famous Penny Arcade strip—the very same strip that first introduces the quaint and chaotic cartoon duo Catsby and Twisp—that begins with Tycho making some remark about how Kevin Smith had decided that his film “Jersey Girls” was “not for critics.” Gabe responds, “Wow, I didn't know you could even do that.”

    Seems you can. The latest film to shut out critics is “Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li.” That is to say, there won't be an exclusive screening for Ebert and his kin. If they want to review Chun-Li's searing soul-search, they'll have to get in line for tickets and popcorn with the rest of us mortal slobs. Chances are they won't.

    But hey, no reviews mean that we'll go into the film with clear heads, right? Yes and no. “The Cutscene,” a Variety blog, confirms what even the most optimistic Chun-Li fans know deep in their hearts:

    [I]n 95% of cases, not screening a movie is the studio's way of admitting critics are sure to hate it -- usually because it's bad, occassionally because it's a genre, like horror, that critics rarely appreciate.


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  • Where, Specifically, Did The Street Fighter Movie Go Wrong?

     

    Mere days remain until Street Fighter IV steals up and punches us in the backs of our heads. The online game community is quivering and stamping in anticipation, more or less the kind of behaviour that's acceptable amongst bucks in rut and restless Street Fighter fans.

    I love the days that lead up to a big release, because all sorts of fun features and articles are published to fuel hype (and boost traffic, hey, it's not a sin). 1UP is celebrating Street Fighter IV's impending ascent to King of the Universe with The Greatest Scenes of Street Fighter: The Movie.

    Of course, you already know the Street Fighter movie is horrible. You're just that hip and clever, right? Scott Sharkey's feature is still well worth a look, thanks to embedded video clips of the offending scenes. I've read more “Eww, gross” pieces about the Street Fighter movie than any sort of religious text, but this video-heavy take puts things in a new perspective for me. Namely, what was director Steven de Souza trying to do with this thing?

    The Street Fighter movie isn't quite comedy, though God knows it's hilarious at points—intentionally and unintentionally. It's not exciting enough to be an action film, and it's certainly not a martial arts flick. It's some bastard swamp child, doomed to drift without a name or an identity or a loving touch. It's almost a shame because the film had the good sense not to take itself very seriously some of the time. Key problem: some of the time.

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  • Games to Movies: Why Is It So Gad-Danged Hard?

    Pardon me, but might I bother you to turn your head while I spew vulgarities? The live-action Castlevania movie by Paul W.S. Anderson is going to be as stinking and putrid as a zombie's testicles. Yeah, as rotten as zombie testicles stewing like dumplings in a pool of sweat collected in the crotch of a pair of leather pants. And...the testicles are dangling. By, like, one scrap of skin.

    One scrap of maggot-chewed skin.

    We're used to this, right? It's the curse of video game-based movies to be absolutely no good. A friend of mine who's a huge Silent Hill fan convinced a non-gaming friend of mine to see the Silent Hill movie. Second friend saw the movie and still insists that first friend owes her eight bucks for making her see the stupidest film in the world.

    But it's not as if the Silent Hill series is incapable of keeping even hardcore horror fans up all night. Why do games translate so badly into movies? Is it because directors (we're not even counting Uwe Boll) have no qualms about taking creative liberties with the source material--the lack of a whip for Simon Belmont's film being a perfect example?

    That certainly can't be helping the problem. On the other hand, there are game-to-movie adaptations, mostly of Japanese origin, that are as easily recognisable as their inspirations...but they still suck.

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  • about the blogger

    John Constantine, our superhero, was raised by birds and then attended Penn State University. He is currently working on a novel about a fictional city that exists only in his mind. John has an astonishingly extensive knowledge of Scientology. Ultimately he would like to learn how to effectively use his brain. He continues to keep Wu-Tang's secret to himself.

    Derrick Sanskrit is a self-professed geek in a variety of fields including typography, graphic design, comic books, music and cartoons. As a professional hipster graphic designer, his recent clients have included Nerve, Pitchfork and MoCCA, among others.

    Amber Ahlborn - artist, writer, gamer and DigiPen survivor, she maintains a day job as a graphic artist. By night Amber moonlights as a professional Metroid Fanatic and keeps a metal suit in the closet just in case. Has lived in the state of Washington and insists that it really doesn't rain as much as everyone says it does.

    Nadia Oxford is a housekeeping robot who was refurbished into a warrior when the world's need for justice was great. Now that the galaxy is at peace (give or take a conflict here or there), she works as a freelance writer for various sites and magazines. Based in Toronto, Nadia prizes the certificate from the Ministry of Health declaring her tick and rabies-free.

    Bob Mackey is a grad student, writer, and cyborg, who uses the powerful girl-repelling nanomachines mad science grafted onto his body to allocate time towards interests of the nerd persuasion. He believes that complaining about things on the Internet is akin to the fine art of wine tasting, but with more spitting into buckets.

    Joe Keiser has a programming degree from Johns Hopkins University, a tiny apartment in Brooklyn, and a fake toy guitar built in the hollowed-out shell of a real guitar. He writes about games and technology for a variety of outlets. One day he will stop doing this. The day after that, police will find his body under a collapsed pile of (formerly neatly alphabetized) collector's edition tchotchkes.

    Cole Stryker is an American freelance writer living in York, England, where he resides with his archeologist wife. He writes for a travel company by day and argues about pop culture on the internet by night. Find him writing regularly here and here.

    Peter Smith is like the lead character of Irwin Shaw's The 80-Yard Run, except less athletic. He considers himself very lucky to have this job. But it's a little premature to take "jack-off of all trades" off his resume. Besides writing, travelling, and painting houses, Pete plays guitar in a rock trio called The Aye-Ayes. He calls them a 'power pop' band, but they generally sound more like Motorhead on a drinking binge.


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