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The Final Fantasy Rule: Why the New Final Fantasy XIII Demo Matters, Even if You Hate the Series

I’ve had to stop myself from doing something stupid many, many times in the past few weeks. Late at night, typically before bed while I’m enjoying that just-brushed-just-flossed feel of my teeth and that last drink of water, I’ve opened my laptop and gone to Play Asia, added an item to my cart, and made it all the way to the check out before stopping myself. What am I, an idiot? What kind of person would do this? I’ve slapped my own wrist, both literally and metaphorically, closed the computer, and waited for morning, when the sobering light of day inevitable reintroduces logic to my shoddy impulse control.

Honestly. Spending eighty dollars on a demo of Final Fantasy XIII, a demo in a language I don’t even understand, is stupid. Very, very stupid. Yes, it comes with a nice new version of Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children, but even that little perk isn’t worth blowing two weeks worth of grocery money on an hour long sampling of a game that will be out before too long.

The impulse is detestable. It is, however, an inevitable impulse, one that isn’t rooted in fanaticism. The allure of a new Final Fantasy, even just a taste of it, has less to do with fetishism and everything to do with wanting to see just what any given game console can do.

Posted Apr 16 2009, 07:00 PM by John Constantine with | with 1 comment(s)

Filed under: john constantine, final fantasy, square-enix, tetsuya nomura, final fantasy iv, final fantasy xiii, final fantasy x, final fantasy vii

Every Day is Better With Two Scoops of Final Fantasy XIII

There’s some speculation out and about on the internets that, even though there’s going to be a Japanese playable demo in March, Final Fantasy XIII will not be released outside of Japan until 2010. That means a full four years will have passed between the game’s debut and when we actually get to play the game. That is just shy of a videogame console’s traditional lifespan. Clearly, Square-Enix hates us all. And since there’s nothing quite like salting a wound, S-E is releasing a magazine in Japan tomorrow entitled Re: Final Fantasy XIII. The mag has a bunch of art and screens that people have been staring at for some two and a half years already as well as a DVD with the trailers for Final Fantasy XIII and Final Fantasy Versus XIII that were shown at last summer’s DKS3137 event behind closed doors. Yes, Square-Enix is making people pay for trailers for their games. That is not nice.

But, thankfully, the internet exists, and so, naturally, these trailers have already been ripped from the DVD and are free to watch right here.

Posted Dec 12 2008, 06:00 PM by John Constantine with | with 4 comment(s)

Filed under: john constantine, final fantasy, final fantasy 13, final fantasy xiii, square enix, final fantasy versus xiii

I’d Like to Thank the Imaginary Academy: Where Are the Videogame Awards That Matter?

MTV is a wily beast on the international stage. While we associate the one-time purveyor of actual music videos here in the States more with the decade long reign of TRL and reality shows starring wildly libidinous mannequins, Viacom’s behemoth plays host to a much wider and weirder slate of content across the globe. MTV Germany actually holds a special place in my heart. It introduced me to the Army of Lovers way back in 1997 during my international flight from the law. (I’d elaborate further, but this is a videogame blog. Let’s just say that I’ve atoned for my crimes and am no longer a target of Interpol. Sometimes you just have to cut a deal, you know?) I mean, just look at this video:

That’s the sort of thing that sticks with you.

MTV Germany held the MTV Game Awards last Friday. Yes, Game Awards.

Posted Nov 24 2008, 04:00 PM by John Constantine with | with 3 comment(s)

Filed under: john constantine, hideo kojima, igda, final fantasy xiii, mtv, army of lovers, academy awards, jade raymond

Achievements and Trophies and Unlocking, Oh Meh

Amazing things are going to happen in 2009. In the first third of the year, we’ll be playing a trifecta of raw, unadulterated Capcom goodness in the form of Street Fighter IV, Bionic Commando, and Resident Evil 5, Killzone 2 will finally come out and not look anything like the concept footage shown at E3 2005, we might find out just what the hell Alan Wake is, and maybe, just maybe, it’ll turn out that Final Fantasy XIII is actually a videogame and not just a three minute clip of a chick with nice hair. Home might even come out! Instead of the adorable little freak version of you that putters around your Wii games – or your Xbox 360, which is the exact same little freak but with hands and a selection of shirts from Old Navy – you’ll get to have a version of yourself that is iPod commercial ready, with glossy hair sharp enough to cut a Nomura character. You’ll get to go bowling, wonder why no one’s playing Warhawk and show off all your trophies. And you will have trophies, rest assured. Come ’09, Sony’s making them an obligatory component of any and all PS3 games.

I don’t necessarily think achievements and trophies are a bad thing, especially for the type of player who enjoys setting themselves inane goals outside a game’s explicit ones. I just don’t understand why they have to be a necessary feature in every game.

Posted Nov 21 2008, 03:30 PM by John Constantine with | with 5 comment(s)

Filed under: playstation 3, street fighter, xbox 360, wii, bionic commando, street fighter 4, mega man, gears of war, mega man 9, street fighter iv, mii, final fantasy xiii, resident evil 5, alan wake, achievements, killzone 2, trophies

Square-Enix's Coup Brings Back Memories

It was generally accepted that this year's subdued E3 wouldn't have much to offer in comparison to the big shiny blitzes that used to make game journalists hang themselves with laptop power cords. Goes to show what we know: things got exciting right off the bat with Square-Enix's announcement that Final Fantasy XIII will be coming to both the Playstation 3 and the Xbox 360.

Oh, you youngsters understandably have ants in your pants over Square-Enix's sudden shift, but I've been down this road before. Yes sir, I remember when I was riding high on the thrill of Final Fantasy VI and Chrono Trigger. Nintendo finally claimed supremacy in the sixteen-bit console wars thanks in part to their great RPGs, and we automatically assumed Square would develop for the N64---

Zzzzzz...

Zzzzz-- ! Ah! Huh? Oh, sorry. If I sit in the sun for too long, I doze off like an old dog.

Posted Jul 14 2008, 07:56 PM by Nadia Oxford with | with 3 comment(s)

Filed under: playstation 3, microsoft, xbox 360, sony, square-enix, e3, final fantasy 13, exclusive, final fantasy xiii

about the blogger

John Constantine, our superhero, was raised by birds and then attended Penn State University. He is currently working on a novel about a fictional city that exists only in his mind. John has an astonishingly extensive knowledge of Scientology. Ultimately he would like to learn how to effectively use his brain. He continues to keep Wu-Tang's secret to himself.

Derrick Sanskrit is a self-professed geek in a variety of fields including typography, graphic design, comic books, music and cartoons. As a professional hipster graphic designer, his recent clients have included Nerve, Pitchfork and MoCCA, among others.

Amber Ahlborn - artist, writer, gamer and DigiPen survivor, she maintains a day job as a graphic artist. By night Amber moonlights as a professional Metroid Fanatic and keeps a metal suit in the closet just in case. Has lived in the state of Washington and insists that it really doesn't rain as much as everyone says it does.

Nadia Oxford is a housekeeping robot who was refurbished into a warrior when the world's need for justice was great. Now that the galaxy is at peace (give or take a conflict here or there), she works as a freelance writer for various sites and magazines. Based in Toronto, Nadia prizes the certificate from the Ministry of Health declaring her tick and rabies-free.

Bob Mackey is a grad student, writer, and cyborg, who uses the powerful girl-repelling nanomachines mad science grafted onto his body to allocate time towards interests of the nerd persuasion. He believes that complaining about things on the Internet is akin to the fine art of wine tasting, but with more spitting into buckets.

Joe Keiser has a programming degree from Johns Hopkins University, a tiny apartment in Brooklyn, and a fake toy guitar built in the hollowed-out shell of a real guitar. He writes about games and technology for a variety of outlets. One day he will stop doing this. The day after that, police will find his body under a collapsed pile of (formerly neatly alphabetized) collector's edition tchotchkes.

Cole Stryker is an American freelance writer living in York, England, where he resides with his archeologist wife. He writes for a travel company by day and argues about pop culture on the internet by night. Find him writing regularly here and here.

Peter Smith is like the lead character of Irwin Shaw's The 80-Yard Run, except less athletic. He considers himself very lucky to have this job. But it's a little premature to take "jack-off of all trades" off his resume. Besides writing, travelling, and painting houses, Pete plays guitar in a rock trio called The Aye-Ayes. He calls them a 'power pop' band, but they generally sound more like Motorhead on a drinking binge.