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  • F--k the Moon

    I hope Final Fantasy IV can see this, because I'm doing it as hard as I can.

    Last week, I cheerily reported on my ongoing affair with the DS remake of Final Fantasy IV, though I did have some reservations about the moon portion of the game, where I was currently stationed.  This week, I committed the ultimate act of hate you can do to a game: sending it back to GameFly unfinished.

    For bonus revenge points, I also watched the ending on YouTube.

    Read More...


  • Know Your Final Fantasy IV Trivia. It Could Save Your Life.

    For such a seemingly primitive game, Final Fantasy IV is pretty damn difficult to talk about. There are so many incarnations, I don't know who I'm going to offend if I let slip a "Final Fantasy II" instead of saying "Final Fantasy IV."

    (My maternal grandmother has already written me out of the will. It's a goddamn shame; I really wanted that Donkey Kong doll.)

    Back when the Internet had that new car smell and it still belonged to Trekkies instead of macro cats, there was a good deal of information to be found on the SNES version of Square-Enix's classic. Specifically, we discovered that "Final Fantasy II," henceforth referred to as Final Fantasy II US, was a dumbed-down Final Fantasy IV. Items were homogenised, character skills were missing (what, would a crowded command menu make us quiver in confused terror a second before our heads exploded?) and enemies were nerfed.

    It was enough of a shock to learn that Square-Enix was holding out on Fantasies, but discovering that we had the version of the game that had been cut into small pieces for Japan's "special" players was especially insulting. It was a kick to our souls' asses.

    So for years we scorned the fact that we'd been given Final Fantasy IV's "Easytpe". Or...had we?

    Read More...


  • Gaming on a Train: Final Fantasy IV

    Before I start, let me officially state that DAYUM Rydia is smokin' hot. There, I said it; I'd say it again if I had to. Let's move on, averting our attention to the right only when hormones deem it necessary.

    One benefit of taking a mass transit vacation--aside from inexplicably being surrounded by Amish people--is that you can kill most of your travel time by playing video games, instead of waiting for stop signs or the odd empty stretch of highway to squeeze in a quick few turns of Final Fantasy Tactics A2 (I have never done this).  On my most recent trip, I had initially planned on dabbling in quite a few different games I'd picked up over the summer, but ended up devoting all of my time to the Final Fantasy IV remake for reasons that say a lot about the decisions I make in life.

    Read More...


  • Final Fantasy IV DS: Love, Hope and Betrayal For the Busy Commuter

    Lo, and Nadia purchased Final Fantasy IV and brought the digital tome unto her home. And the Lord sayeth, "DUDE! You got your ass kicked by a sandworm!"

    Everything the fangeeks have been saying rings true: Square-Enix mixed up Final Fantasy IV. Up is down, the sky is green and for God's sake, don't assume that magic attacks will save you from the wrath of the Antlion's counterattack.

    The change-up was sorely needed, though, especially if you're a geek like me who knows the game better than priests know the Bible. Be warned: Final Fantasy IV DS is quite difficult. Kain and Cecil still begin the game as medieval brick shithouses, but they can die. For one thing, enemies are not afraid to use their special attacks and they counter if you so much as sneeze in their direction. I know more than one player who fell victim to the gradual petrification of the helldiver quartet that roams the path to the Mist Cave. As for me, I met a sandworm on our morning constitutional. It cast Whirlwind without hesitation and that was the end of the Dark Knight of Baron and that jumpy friend of his who wants to follow in his father's footsteps or something.

    The good news is that for every instance of enemy tweaking, there is an instance of character tweaking to match it. The most talked-about helper in the new battle against Golbez is the augment system, which allows characters to gain the abilities of other party members--typically the members who croak for story purposes. If you give augments to characters who are destined to depart, you usually get something better in return. Of course, if it's your first playthrough and you have no idea who's staying and who's going, it sucks to be you.

    Read More...


  • Are You Buying Final Fantasy IV DS? Huh? Huh? Huh??

    (Pant pant pant, eager tail wag.)

    Square-Enix's remake of its SNES classic is garnering good reviews, though I've seen more than one make mention about how it's a bit early for yet another Final Fantasy IV remake. For those of you at home keeping count, Final Fantasy IV has been released on the SNES, the PSOne, the Wonderswan (I think?), the GBA and now the Nintendo DS.

    I'm going to go ahead and offer myself up for blame: I buy every remake Square-Enix throws at me, except for the WonderSwan remake because that would just be wack. I can't help it; Final Fantasy IV, when it was known as the dumbed-down Final Fantasy II was a cornerstone of my awkward teenage years. I actually played it after getting through Final Fantasy III/VI, but I enjoyed it for its simple story and gorgeous music. I also played it while recovering from major surgery and I was pretty high, so there might be a bit of bias there. I'm pretty sure it's okay to love a game because it reminds you of your youth or the carefree summer days you should've spent outside, but it's less okay to love a game because it reminds you of a codeine daze.

    Read More...



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  • about the blogger

    John Constantine, our superhero, was raised by birds and then attended Penn State University. He is currently working on a novel about a fictional city that exists only in his mind. John has an astonishingly extensive knowledge of Scientology. Ultimately he would like to learn how to effectively use his brain. He continues to keep Wu-Tang's secret to himself.

    Peter Smith is like the lead character of Irwin Shaw's The 80-Yard Run, except less athletic. He considers himself very lucky to have this job. But it's a little premature to take "jack-off of all trades" off his resume. Besides writing, travelling, and painting houses, Pete plays guitar in a Led Zeppelin/Talking Heads/Police/Replacements-covering power trio called Shovel, and will gladly rock your world if you so desire.

    Cole Stryker is an American freelance writer living in York, England, where he resides with his archeologist wife. He writes for a travel company by day and argues about pop culture on the internet by night. Find him writing regularly here and here.

    Derrick Sanskrit is a self-professed geek in a variety of fields including typography, graphic design, comic books, music and cartoons. As a professional hipster graphic designer, his recent clients have included Nerve, Pitchfork and MoCCA, among others.

    Amber Ahlborn - artist, writer, gamer and DigiPen survivor, she maintains a day job as a graphic artist. By night Amber moonlights as a professional Metroid Fanatic and keeps a metal suit in the closet just in case. Has lived in the state of Washington and insists that it really doesn't rain as much as everyone says it does.

    Nadia Oxford is a housekeeping robot who was refurbished into a warrior when the world's need for justice was great. Now that the galaxy is at peace (give or take a conflict here or there), she works as a freelance writer for various sites and magazines. Based in Toronto, Nadia's prized possession is a certificate from the Ministry of Health declaring her tick and rabies-free.

    Bob Mackey is a grad student, writer, and cyborg, who uses the powerful girl-repelling nanomachines mad science grafted onto his body to allocate time towards interests of the nerd persuasion. He believes that complaining about things on the Internet is akin to the fine art of wine tasting, but with more spitting into buckets.

    Send tips to 61fps@nerve.com