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61 Frames Per Second

Gamepro Feature Mourns The Loss Of Mammaries

Posted by Nadia Oxford

 

"Top __________ Whatevers" lists are the lifeblood of games journalism, so Gamepro's decision to squeeze out a roster of the Eight Worst Game Character Remakes is not surprising.

Some of the entries are pretty expected, too. Maskless Scorpion from Mortal Kombat 3 is a no-brainer, and I'm sure a few psychologists would have a field day analysing Bomberman's re-design for Bomberman: Act Zero.

I'm not as impressed with some of the other selections. In fact, their write-up for Tomb Raider's Lara Croft gave me a big frowny face. I'm afraid I'm going to have to be one of "those" women for a second.

From the feature:

"To prove that Tomb Raider's iconic female archaeologist is more than just a top heavy Englishwoman in hiking boots, the series' developers forced their lovely protagonist to undergo a drastic surgical procedure. In Tomb Raider Legend, Lara emerged equipped with what could be compared to tangerines in place of what was once more akin to honeydews. But the game was good, and that's all that matters... right?"


Oh yeah, of course.

I know games journalists (my lumbering self included) aren't exactly one tier away from writing for the New York Times, but come on. If you'll allow me to sound like a teenager for a second, how juvenile can you possibly get? Lara Croft II, despite her wasp-waist and perfect figure, looks like she might actually pass as a female member of the human race. Do you know what Lara would be doing if she was a real woman with PSOne-era barbell boobs? Not a whole lot, thanks to chronic back pain and shortness of breath.

Maybe I'm a poor judge of girls, but how could anyone find PSOne Lara Croft sexy compared to Tomb Raider Legend Lara? Are that many guys so desperately infatuated with breasts that they can't appreciate a well-rounded package (to say nothing of the fact that Lara II's eyes actually have the expression of a living thing and not a dead fish)? I don't know what to say except keep wishing hard enough and maybe science will genetically engineer a woman who's composed of ten tits protruding from a faceless orb.

I don't ask for much out of other people, but I like folks who try to remember that games are a hobby for both sexes.

Grr, snort, etc.

Related Links:

The Five Greatest Enhanced Remakes--And Five That Weren't So Great, Part 1
A Letter to the Industry: How To Destroy the Female Gender Barricade
+ DIGG + DEL.ICIO.US + REDDIT
Posted Jul 23 2008, 04:28 PM
Filed under: , , , , ,

Comments

Roto13 said:

Solid Snake NEEDS his mullet. When I saw that Kirby didn't get a Mullet when he inhaled Snake in SSBB, I cried for a week.

Cel Shaded Link was great, too. :P He had ten times the personality of OOT Link.

I'm too lazy to check, but I'd bet the "original" version of Simon Belmont was just on the American NES box art and not in the Japanese version.

I never did like GamePro. MOER LIEK LAEMPRO M I RITE?

July 23, 2008 7:25 PM

Amber Ahlborn said:

I don't like Toon Link.  I never did and never will.  I just do not appreciate his football-headed stubbiness.  Wind Waker made chibi ugly.  I didn't like any of the human character designs really.  Most of them were just too long in the body which made them look a bit freakish when they ran.  There were exceptions of course.  Ganondorf looked great.  Link's Grandma looked good, heck, Tingle looked good.  Link was awful.  I liked most all of the nonhuman characters with Baloo the Dragon being a favorite.  The King of Red Lions boat was a neat design too.  Over-all, I really prefer the stylized look of Twilight Princess over Wind Waker.  Actually, comparing the two visually, my likes and dislikes tend to be opposites.  I like the human character designs in TP but a lot of the monsters were lacking.  I liked the environment designs in WW, but found them hit or miss in TP, etc.

July 24, 2008 9:32 AM

Demaar said:

I know you're not gamepro and that I shouldn't be commenting here, but whatever. Gonna go in the order they listed...

8. I kinda agree on Snake, I hate mullets. But everything else about him is way better. He's not a soldier now (not really) so his appearance doesn't need to be clean cut, and he's just plain more manly in MGS2.

7. Link was always a kid, LOZ was always whimsical and cute. I actually disliked the changes OOT brought in that regard. I loved the other N64 Zelda though.

6. Lara just makes me lol. Her redesign is superior in every way except the colour of her shirt. It makes more sense, but that's an ugly brown.

5. Isn't maskless Sub Zero a different guy? If it's a new character, it's not a redesign.

4. I love Ayami Kojima's designs for Castlevania. Her Simon may look more effeminate, definitely no more campy.

3. See Sub Zero.

2. Crash was always crap, his redesign isn't realy much worse. It's kinda just more of the same.

1. Isn't Act Zero Bomberman the original design, and the SD one the redesign?

Pretty shitty list, Gamepro. Now I remember why I don't read their stuff.

July 24, 2008 10:36 AM

Apples said:

Mm. Write an article about the way the video game industry ignores/condescends to/insults women, and have the main point of your article completely ignored.

Yes yes, we all hate Gamepro. But let's hate them for endorsing a not only unattainable but outright disturbing standard of beauty, shall we? I think that's a little more important than some cartoon marsupial's arm tattoos.

(Sorry, I had to say something - I love the interesting articles on this blog and would hate to see it devolve into the seemingly much more popular "Most/top/best/worst # whatevers" lists.

July 24, 2008 11:08 AM

Amber Ahlborn said:

Apples, I didn't address the main point of the article simply because I already did.  Check the related links section which leads to my article: Letter to the Industry.

Your point is well taken all the same.  There is a constant low level white noise of misogyny in this country that pervades every level of society.  Dare call it out and you get labeled as a mythical "feminazi".  Reading the dudely comments posted on other game sites when the issue is address is enough to put me into a rage sometimes.  No wonder girl gamers are so rare in the larger public community.  What self respecting woman would voluntarily subject herself to the mindless vitriol of the privileged dudely gamers?  Only the ones with the thickest skins the strongest ignore-the-asshole-powers.

July 25, 2008 11:13 AM

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    • about the blogger

    John Constantine, our superhero, was raised by birds and then attended Penn State University. He is currently working on a novel about a fictional city that exists only in his mind. John has an astonishingly extensive knowledge of Scientology. Ultimately he would like to learn how to effectively use his brain. He continues to keep Wu-Tang's secret to himself.

    Peter Smith is like the lead character of Irwin Shaw's The 80-Yard Run, except less athletic. He considers himself very lucky to have this job. But it's a little premature to take "jack-off of all trades" off his resume. Besides writing, travelling, and painting houses, Pete plays guitar in a Led Zeppelin/Talking Heads/Police/Replacements-covering power trio called Shovel, and will gladly rock your world if you so desire.

    Cole Stryker is an American freelance writer living in York, England, where he resides with his archeologist wife. He writes for a travel company by day and argues about pop culture on the internet by night. Find him writing regularly here and here.

    Derrick Sanskrit is a self-professed geek in a variety of fields including typography, graphic design, comic books, music and cartoons. As a professional hipster graphic designer, his recent clients have included Nerve, Pitchfork and MoCCA, among others.

    Amber Ahlborn - artist, writer, gamer and DigiPen survivor, she maintains a day job as a graphic artist. By night Amber moonlights as a professional Metroid Fanatic and keeps a metal suit in the closet just in case. Has lived in the state of Washington and insists that it really doesn't rain as much as everyone says it does.

    Nadia Oxford is a housekeeping robot who was refurbished into a warrior when the world's need for justice was great. Now that the galaxy is at peace (give or take a conflict here or there), she works as a freelance writer for various sites and magazines. Based in Toronto, Nadia's prized possession is a certificate from the Ministry of Health declaring her tick and rabies-free.

    Bob Mackey is a grad student, writer, and cyborg, who uses the powerful girl-repelling nanomachines mad science grafted onto his body to allocate time towards interests of the nerd persuasion. He believes that complaining about things on the Internet is akin to the fine art of wine tasting, but with more spitting into buckets.

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